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When Hyunjin was six years old, a boy named Seungmin sat down next to him on his first day of school. The dress shirt of his uniform was neatly tucked into his pants, its sleeves carefully rolled up because it was very warm that day, and he bowed when he introduced himself, which Hyunjin found very endearing and which made him smile despite his nervosity.
When Hyunjin was eleven, he and Seungmin found white dandelions at the side of the road. Hyunjin loved flowers and he loved dandelions because they fascinated him. Seungmin picked two, careful not to let any of the white fluid drip on his hands, and handed Hyunjin one.
“Make a wish,” he said.
So Hyunjin did. He wished that he and Seungmin would have lots of classes together when they started middle school, so he wouldn’t have to miss his best friend. Hyunjin closed his eyes and blew on the flower, then watched its seeds float away in the warm breeze. Next to him, Seungmin closed his eyes and blew on his dandelion, too.
“What did you wish for?” Hyunjin asked, twisting and squeezing the green stalk in his hand until it turned all mushy.
Seungmin blushed, but a bright, toothy grin appeared on his face. “For your wish to come true.”
And two months later, it did.
When Hyunjin was sixteen, he took up all his courage and told Seungmin that he liked boys the same way he liked girls. It had weighed so heavy on his heart for such a long time that he ended up crying rivers onto Seungmin’s favorite hoodie, his head buried in the crook of Seungmin’s neck as the other held his hand for thirty minutes.
Seungmin promised him that it was nothing to be sad about, that Hyunjin was perfect and that he shouldn’t be ashamed or sad about it. When Hyunjin didn’t believe him, Seungmin gently disentangled their limbs, helped his trembling friend lie down comfortably on his bed and pulled out his laptop to show that biologically speaking, what Hyunjin felt was common in almost all animal species in the world, and the thing that only humans did was turn it into something bad.
At the end of the day, Hyunjin didn’t feel bad about himself anymore. But he did feel different about Seungmin. And that feeling, like dandelion seeds floating around in his stomach whenever they were together, just wouldn’t go away, no matter how many heavy breaths Hyunjin let out.
But when Hyunjin was eighteen his world fell apart because Seungmin went to study abroad.
And by the time he was twenty, they hadn’t spoken in almost a year, and Hyunjin doubted they ever would again.
*
“Jisung? Where are we–”
“I told you! It’s a party!”
“I don’t like parties.”
“But you like me enough to go with me, don’t you?”
Jisung’s hand is warm in his, pulling him across the deserted campus as Hyunjin tries to keep up with his friend’s pace. Though Hyunjin is taller, Jisung is quicker, and Hyunjin struggles not to stumble over his own feet as he trails a little bit behind his friend. His stomach still feels full from the kimchi fried rice they just ate, and his body is sluggish and heavy.
“Slow down!” he calls, but Jisung barely does, instead pulling him along even harder.
Recently, Jisung has really been into college parties. They used to spend their evenings alone together in their dorm, Hyunjin painting, Jisung playing on his PlayStation or watching TV. Now, Jisung accepts every party invitation he gets. Hyunjin knows that’s only because a while back, he’s seen a really cute guy at the library but was too shy to ask for his number, so now he’s going to every campus social event trying to find him again. It’s a bit ridiculous if Hyunjin’s honest, but it’s also a little bit romantic, and when romance is involved how could Hyunjin say no?
So he speeds up and falls into step behind Jisung, taking his own now sweaty hand back and wiping it on his black skinny jeans. His silky dress shirt clings to his damp skin, and not for the first time he curses his decision to move into the dorm the furthest away from all the others. Perfect to escape the bustling campus atmosphere, bad if you want to be a part of it, especially if it’s the end of September and still unbearably warm and humid even after the sun has gone down.
Jisung leads them to one of the dorms that seems more like a real house, located at the Western end of the campus. Here, the dorms are only two stories high, have a garden in the back and enough bathrooms that you don’t have to queue up for the showers in the evening. It’s where the students whose parents have a lot of money live, and Hyunjin always feels a little bit out of place here. He has friends here, well, more like acquaintances, but since the dance department is rather far away, it’s a part of the campus that he rarely visits, if ever.
The door to the house is wide open, so are almost all windows, and the smell of fruity drinks and pizza drifts over to them before they even step over the threshold. The music is loud, the students’ chattering over it even louder, and Hyunjin already misses the quiet calm of his room. He loops his right arm around Jisung’s, who pulls him into the center of the common room before immediately starting to scan the room.
After a minute, Jisung starts pouting. “He’s not here,” he mewls, shoulders slumping and his whole demeanor changing.
It breaks Hyunjin’s heart just a little bit. Jisung must have really felt drawn to the student if he still searches for him months later, still talks and thinks and looks for him even if it’s become almost certain now that he’ll never see him again.
Hyunjin swallows hard. It’s almost like–
“Sorry for dragging you here again, man,” Jisung tells him over the music. “I should just give up at this point. It’s stupid. I’m stupid.”
Discouraged, he sighs. Hyunjin’s heart sinks and he shakes his head.
“It’s not stupid. It’s cute. If he knew how hard you’re trying to find him, he’d be charmed for sure.”
Hyunjin squeezes his best friend’s arm, giving him a small smile, and Jisung quickly starts cheering up.
“I am a charmer, aren’t I?”
Hyunjin giggles. “Oh, definitely.”
They make their way to the kitchen where another student is serving drinks to everyone. The boy has freckles and an English accent as he hands them their drinks, and Hyunjin thanks him. The drink is pink and tastes like cherry – Hyunjin’s favorite – and he sips on it happily, humming.
He and Jisung find a quiet spot in a hallway and lean against the wall, far away enough from the stereo that they can have a normal conversation but still close enough that there’s people passing them constantly; girls holding hands on their way to the bathroom, tipsy guys stumbling over empty beer cans, couples clearly in search of a quiet corner. Hyunjin watches the latter as they kiss, walk a few steps, kiss again, smile, then drag each other along. His heart aches, yearning for this sort of love, wishing he could find someone to give his heart to like this, but he can’t, he can’t, because his heart is half a world away and he might never get it back.
“Hey.”
Hyunjin’s head whips around as Jisung nudges his shoe with his foot, his head subtly nodding in the direction of the common room.
“One o’clock, the girl leaning next to the dead plant over there,” he whispers, “she keeps staring at you.”
Hyunjin blinks at him for a moment, Jisung’s words only slowly trickling into his mind that is still half lost in painful thought. When he’s back to reality, he sneaks a glance over Jisung’s shoulder and almost immediately his eyes lock with the girl. She’s tall, towering over her short friend that keeps talking to her, but she’s clearly not listening. Hyunjin swallows, gives her a polite smile. She smiles back, cutely pushing a strand of brown hair behind her ear, and cocks her head as if to beckon him to come up to her and strike a conversation.
Hyunjin pulls his gaze away from her, blushing. Jisung is grinning.
“She’s cute, right?”
Hyunjin takes another sip from his drink, a big one this time.
“I guess so. She looks kind.”
Jisung huffs. “She looks kind? Come on, Jinnie, you can admit she’s cute. She’s your type, right? Tall, pretty eyes, soft fringe, dressed in comfortable clothes and not those fancy cocktail dresses…”
Hyunjin downs another sip, feeling his cheeks and ears heat up. Well…
“You know you can go talk to her, right? I dragged you here for nothing, so the least I can do is let you abandon me and have some fun, if you know what I mean.”
Jisung wiggles his eyebrows, smirking, and Hyunjin almost chokes on the small ice cube he didn’t notice he’d swallowed.
“I’m fine,” he says, coughing, and Jisung pats him on the back. “I don’t want to meet anyone here.”
“You always say that! You have twice the amount of people to choose from, but you never choose anyone!”
“Jisung, that’s not how bisexuality wor–”
“You never want to meet anyone!”
Crushing his now empty cup in his hands, he presses his lips together, tries not to let the sudden rush of emotions overwhelm him.
“I know…” It’s no more than a whisper.
He sighs, trying to calm himself down, steady his racing heart and push away the thought of tall, pretty eyes, soft fringe, comfortable clothes, because yes, it’s true, it’s what Hyunjin likes, all of it, but only if, only if it’s–
“It’s him!!!”
Jisung shouts, then clasps a hand in front of his mouth as he realizes just how loud he’s been. Several heads turn to them and Hyunjin follows Jisung’s gaze until it lands on, objectively, one of the most handsome guys Hyunjin has ever seen in his whole life. He’s all high cheekbones, jawline, perfect lips and a perfect nose, and yeah, alright, Hyunjin gets why Jisung couldn’t forget about him.
“It’s really him?” Hyunjin whispers, and notices that Jisung is tightly holding on to the wall for balance. Hyunjin chuckles inwardly.
“Oh baby, I could recognize those cheekbones anywhere.”
Hyunjin clasps a hand in front of his mouth to stifle a laugh. That’s good enough for him.
The guy passes them, not taking note of either of them, and Jisung’s eyes follow him until he’s turned around the corner to the kitchen.
Hyunjin is already pushing him in the same direction.
“Go talk to him!”
Jisung’s hand is fisted tightly in his shirt, his eyes wide like a prey scared of its predator. “I can’t.”
“If you don’t, I swear to God, Han Jisung, I will make you pay me back with actual money for the time I have spent with you going to parties these past weeks. Talk to him, now!”
“Okay, okay, okay,” Jisung says, fiddling with his hair and smoothing down his now crumpled shirt. “But… I don’t even know if he’s into guys.”
“GO!!”
“Jesus Christ, okay.”
Fondly, Hyunjin watches Jisung shuffle down the hallway, turning around the corner with one last helpless look around his shoulder. Hyunjin gives him a thumbs up, mouths, “Charmer”, and then he’s gone.
Hyunjin lets out a deep breath, running a hand through his hair and leaning his head against the cold wall. He really hopes this will be the end of Jisung’s party crasher era. And he hopes the guy actually is into men and will give Jisung a chance. If not, Hyunjin will have to mentally prepare himself for a sulky Jisung, which is infinitely worse than a happy, annoying Jisung.
He hadn’t noticed that he’d closed his eyes, but when he opens them again his gaze meets the girl’s again. She’s still smiling sweetly at him and Hyunjin almost considers walking up to her, but he doesn’t. It would be unfair. He couldn’t give her what she wanted. And that’s stupid, Hyunjin’s stupid, and hopeless, and he’s seen one too many k-dramas making him believe that holding onto someone that’s gone forever is going to pay off in the end. It’s not. His mind knows that, but his heart… His heart can still only see him.
With an apologetic shake of his head, Hyunjin turns away from the girl, walking down the hallway in the opposite direction. He doesn’t know where he’s going but follows two guys until he finds himself outside at the back of the house. The two guys in front of him join a group of cardplaying students at the picknick table on the terrace, but Hyunjin passes them and instead sits down on the short staircase leading down to the garden. Taking in a deep breath, he feels his foggy mind clear up a bit. He hadn’t even noticed how stuffy it was inside.
Looking up, there are fairy lights spanned between the few trees and the terrace of the house, illuminating the garden just enough. Hyunjin places his empty, crushed cup beside him and counts the light bulbs on the string under which he sits. Twenty-two, and all those lights against the darkness of the night sky are like his own little starry galaxy. He feels the cool breeze beneath his silky shirt and smiles.
“Hy-Hyunjinnie?”
A heartbeat skipped.
“Hwang Hyunjin?”
It’s his heart, about to jump out of his chest.
The voice.
He knows that voice.
Hyunjin had almost forgotten how beautiful it sounds.
He looks up. There’s a face above his, a head of dark hair blocking one of the bright light bulbs, casting a shadow over the student’s face and making it hard to distinguish any features.
But Hyunjin’s heart starts racing, because it already knows that it’s him long before his brain does.
“Minnie?”
Hyunjin scrambles to get up, almost falls off the stairs in the process, but a steady hand on his wrist saves him. The touch is warm, comforting, achingly familiar.
“It’s me. But I can’t… I can’t believe it’s you.”
And then, even though Hyunjin’s feet are back firmly on the ground, the world starts spinning. Suddenly, everything is blurry, everything except the man in front of him, because it’s him, tall, pretty eyes, soft fringe, comfortable clothes. It’s Seungmin.
It’s really, really him.
“Seungminnie, wha– I thought– You– But–”
Seungmin smiles and Hyunjin feels his knees about to give out again, so he clutches the stair-rail so hard his knuckles turn white. It’s the same smile. Of course it is, because it’s him, but it’s been so many years of Hyunjin dreaming about seeing it again that now that he does, it seems more like a mirage, an illusion created by his yearning heart playing tricks on his tired mind. That must be it, and Seungmin isn’t actually here because he can’t be, he’s in America, and Hyunjin is dreaming and he’ll be woken up in a second by Jisung tripping over his charging cable across the room and shouting in agony.
Except, it can’t be a dream because Seungmin looks different. Not much, but a little. He’s taller than Hyunjin remembers, his features stronger, his jawline sharper, his hair a little longer, but beneath it all there’s the same softness in his expression, the same kindness in his eyes and the same sweetness in his smile that Hyunjin had missed like nothing else in the world after they’d been pulled apart.
“I’ve been back,” Seungmin says, “for a few months now. I missed Korea so much, and I found out I can take classes here, the last credit points I need, so I’m technically on a year abroad right now, even though it’s actually coming home.”
Hyunjin listens. He struggles, though, because his heart is racing and the dandelion seeds in his stomach are floating left and right and he thinks he can even smell Seungmin, the same smell of cotton fabric softener, and yeah, he’s really here.
It hits Hyunjin all at once. He’s been here for months, but he hasn’t told Hyunjin.
But of course he hasn’t. They haven’t talked in over two years.
“I thought I might see you here, but I didn’t think I really would,” Seungmin says quietly and looks away shyly. “I… I’m really sorry that… um…”
Hyunjin feels his eyes fill with tears. It’s like all the hurt and the yearning and the missing-his-singer of the past two years are coming back all at once, and it’s so much Hyunjin has to look up and stare into the starry lights to blink away his tears.
Suddenly, high-pitched laughter pierces their ears as the group of cardplaying students end their game. They start shouting at each other, and Seungmin’s gaze flicks nervously around the terrace.
“Can we… talk?” Seungmin asks. “Somewhere more quiet?”
Hyunjin can’t do more than nod.
He trails behind as they walk across the soft grass, Seungmin leading them to one of the trees that the fairy lights are fastened to. It’s darker here without the light streaming out of the windows, but Hyunjin can still make out Seungmin’s face, illuminated by the artificial stars above their head.
Hyunjin leans his back against the trunk, not yet trusting his legs to hold him, and it’s almost quiet except for the faint bass of the music and the sounds of a Seoul that never sleeps.
They look at each other, and Hyunjin feels the familiar heat creep back up his cheeks at the intensity of his gaze. Thinking back to it now, Hyunjin wonders how he could spend hours upon hours every day with Seungmin looking at him like this, like Hyunjin is the only person in the world. And he knows, he knows that’s just a Seungmin thing, has nothing to do with him, but even after such a long time he can’t help but wish that it did.
“Jinnie, can I… can I apologize?”
Hyunjin swallows, then nods. He would let Seungmin do about anything right now, say anything to him. He hadn’t realized how much he’d just missed his voice alone, and it sends another arrow through his chest at the reminder of how much time has passed, how much time Hyunjin had to move on, and yet never found the power in him to.
“Thank you, I… I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for not texting you more, for not calling you more, and for not explaining why I was distancing myself. I know I always told you I wasn’t, that I was just busy, but you know, you must know, I would have always made time for you. I…”
As much as Hyunjin was there for Seungmin, it always felt to him like Seungmin was there much more for him. He was his support system, soft on the outside but strong on the inside, Hyunjin’s pillar that he could lean on for support whenever he needed to, never faltering or cracking or breaking. Even more of a surprise is the wetness in Seungmin’s eyes now, the tremble of his lips, the jitter running through his whole body as he tries to find words that used to come so easily to him.
“I missed you so much, Jinnie.”
Hyunjin tries to swallow down the lump in his throat, choking out the next words that have been sitting at the tip of his tongue for years. “I missed you, too. I never forgot about you.”
“Neither did I.”
Hyunjin shakes as he stumbles over his own words, his voice laced with all the hurt of a lover who had to watch the object of their love slip through their grasp, run through their fingers like water.
“Then why… why didn’t you call? If you… if you found new friends that you wanted to spend time with, you could have told me. I know you were so happy about studying abroad, I would have understood if you started a new life that I… that I didn’t fit in anymore.”
“Hyunjin…”
He bites his lip as Seungmin tentatively takes his hand, fingers peeking out beneath his sweater paws to hold onto him softly. Warm, he’s still so warm, and the touch sends shivers down Hyunjin’s spine.
“Do you think it was easy for me to go?” Seungmin asks quietly, his eyes never leaving Hyunjin’s face. “To leave you behind? It was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. But I did it because I knew that if I let this opportunity pass, I would regret it for the rest of my life.”
Hyunjin nods, the warmth of Seungmin’s touch slowly spreading through his body, giving him goosebumps and comfort at the same time. Exactly like how it used to be.
No matter how much Hyunjin would have liked to fill his aching heart with anger instead of love, he never could have been mad at Seungmin for leaving. Hyunjin would never stand in the way of opportunity for his friends. And he can’t be mad at Seungmin for not calling either, because… well, because he can’t be mad at Seungmin for anything, really, but also because he knows that for everything he does, there is always a reason. He knows in his heart that Seungmin didn’t mean to hurt him and that, no matter how hard Hyunjin tried, if Seungmin didn’t think their friendship stood a chance, then all the anger would have only been a useless burden anyway.
“You don’t have to explain,” Hyunjin says. “I don’t blame you for leaving.”
Seungmin huffs. “I know. But I blame myself for not trying harder to stay by your side.”
Hyunjin shrugs. “We were half a world apart.”
“Jinnie, you were my world.”
The breath he’s taking gets stuck in his throat, and his eyes widen and fill with tears again. This time he can’t blink them all away, feels one of them leave behind a damp, salty trail as it runs down his cheeks.
His voice quivers as he says, “You were my world, too.”
But Seungmin, squeezing his hand one last time before letting go, takes one step closer, close enough that he becomes the only thing in Hyunjin’s tiny, fairy light universe, and shakes his head with wet, sparkly eyes and a desperate look on his face that Hyunjin has never seen on him before.
“No, you don’t understand. I… I loved you, like, I adored you so completely, but I didn’t realize it until I was already away, and then it started hurting so bad, knowing I’ve missed my chance because even if I’d told you and even if you’d loved me back, we wouldn’t have been able to be with each other anymore. But I couldn’t bear the pain of being so in love with you but not being able to see you or touch you, but I also couldn’t end our friendship because you meant so much to me, so I thought if I just made it seem like we grew apart naturally, then it would be easier for both of us. Looking back, I was just a coward and mean and unfair to you, and, Hyunjinnie, I’m so sorry.”
There are a lot of things that Seungmin just said, but only one that keeps replaying in Hyunjin’s head again and again and again.
I loved you.
Hyunjin feels another tear slip down his cheek.
I adored you so completely.
Seungmin’s hand comes up, gently touching Hyunjin’s face, and with his thumb he wipes away the traces of his overflowing love.
“Don’t cry, Jinnie,” Seungmin says, ”or you’ll make me cry, too.”
Hyunjin breathes, and then he says, “I loved you, too.”
Seungmin smiles softly, yet a little sad. “You don’t have to–”
“No. I love you still. God, I–”
Hyunjin tilts his head up and stares into the lights, which are softly swaying in the wind. This, it almost feels like when he was sixteen and told Seungmin that he liked boys, too. This secret that he’s been carrying with himself for years now is finally out in the open, the heavy weight lifted, and he doesn’t dare look Seungmin in the eyes as he feels him take another step closer, their chests almost touching.
“Please look at me.”
Hyunjin can’t not. Seungmin is still too beautiful for him to pull his gaze away for too long. Galaxy in his eyes, he smiles bright like the sun, and isn’t that what he’s been to Hyunjin, always? His sun that he needs for living and breathing and functioning, that keeps him in a steady orbit, even if he’s half a planet away, because if your love is as big as a solar system, then 10.000 kilometres are nothing.
“I need to know,” Seungmin breathes. “Do you mean it? Do you love me right now?”
“Minnie... I love you always.”
“Oh, Hyunjin…”
Seungmin’s face comes closer and closer, and then their foreheads are touching and Hyunjin feels Seungmin’s every breath hit his nose.
“Can I kiss you?”
Hyunjin wants to scream yes, a thousand times yes, you don’t know how long I’ve waited, how much I’ve dreamed, but instead he whispers,
“I’ve never kissed anyone before.”
And it hits him then, as Seungmin’s eyes widen and his mouth twists into a silent o in that adorable way he used to, that Hyunjin has waited for this, has waited for him for six whole years and maybe even longer than that and how ridiculous, how hopelessly romantic is that?
“Really?”
There’s no mock in Seungmin’s voice, just genuine surprise, and Hyunjin starts to feel a little stupid again. Who saves his first kiss for a person they might never see again? He, he does. Because it’s Seungmin. It’s always been Seungmin.
Hyunjin nods, feels himself blush and hopes the color on his cheeks is hidden by the dim light. But then that tell-tale little smile tugs at Seungmin’s lips that he’s missed so much, the one he puts on whenever he’s about to be a little tease, and Hyunjin’s heart skips another beat.
“So you’ve waited for me?” he smirks.
The breath of each syllable hits Hyunjin’s lips, and Seungmin’s hand is still warm and soft in his, and he takes a leap of faith and says, “And what if I did?”
But then, a quiet melody plays, interrupting their moment. Hyunjin reflexively looks down at the golden watch on his wrist. There, the dim screen displays the reminder Seungmin’s birthday ♡.
The sound stops playing, and Hyunjin looks back up at Seungmin with wide eyes and understanding slowly seeping into his mind.
“The party…”
Seungmin grins. “It’s for me, yes.”
It’s only now that Hyunjin realizes that 22-year-old Seungmin is wearing braces, and oh God, none of this is good for Hyunjin’s poor, poor heart. Hasn’t it been through enough?
“Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Jinnie.”
Hyunjin is dumbstruck – did Jisung know whose birthday party they were going to? – but he manages to say a heartfelt, “Happy birthday, Seungminnie. Um, I’m sorry I don’t have a present.”
Seungmin’s fingers thread through his hair, making Hyunjin’s breath hitch, and it’s adorable the way he gets on his tiptoes so they’re on the same level. Steadying himself by pressing their chests together, Hyunjin can feel his warmth even through two layers of clothes.
“I can think of one thing you can give me,” he whispers, and his gaze flicks back and forth between Hyunjin’s eyes and his lips. “After all, didn’t you save your first kiss for me?”
It’s a question that doesn’t need an answer.
Kissing Seungmin, it’s like everything Hyunjin has ever thought it would be. His lips are warm and soft and fit perfectly onto his, and Seungmin welcomes him in with an arm wrapped tightly around his waist. He uses his grip on Hyunjin’s hair to tilt his head until suddenly, they fit even better. Hyunjin lets his eyes fall close and his body slumps against Seungmin’s, and when he notices that Hyunjin is shaking he chuckles into the kiss, smiling against his lips. He lets Hyunjin determine the pace, and he loves Seungmin even more for it.
Pressing more intently, Hyunjin accidentally bumps their noses together and whispers a quiet “Sorry,” but Seungmin only whispers back, “It’s okay, you’re doing well,” and Hyunjin melts back into his arms and stops thinking.
When a minute (or an hour, or a day, or a whole eternity) has passed, Seungmin’s friends come to look for him, and they find him with his tongue in Hyunjin’s mouth and his hand in the back pocket of Hyunjin’s impractically tight jeans. Some guy whistles and it pulls them apart abruptly.
Hyunjin pants. Seungmin’s lips are red and swollen and his cheeks tinted pink and his fringe all messed up and Hyunjin can feel a million more flowers blooming in his stomach at the sight.
When the guy who whistled approaches, he’s not alone. He’s holding the pinky of another guy, and it’s only when their eyes briefly meet that Hyunjin realizes the guy is Jisung’s crush, and the finger he’s holding belongs to Jisung himself.
“It’s him?” Jisung whispers giddily as the other guy pulls Seungmin from Hyunjin’s grasp to congratulate him, and Hyunjin nods, his mind no longer heavy and his heart no longer aching.
“Yeah,” he whispers back, his smile matching Jisung’s and his voice steadier than it’s ever been before. “It’s him.”