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The world was foggy, distant. Perhaps they were dreaming. Everything that they could sense felt illogical and strange, as though the world had become a puzzle that they needed to piece together. Slowly, carefully, piece by piece, they put this and that together, so that the sounds entering their ears became comprehensible human speech, and not mere murmurs.
“...You really… are a strange person.” The speaker was a man with a smooth, calm voice. “You aren’t going to tell me anything else, are you?”
“Why would I?” Another male speaker. “You’re just a prisoner who happens to be a doctor, and you’re only here because of circumstance.”
Their eyelids felt heavy. However, they had… something that they had to do, didn’t they? There was a reason that they had to open their eyes. There was a reason that they had to continue to live. That reason was… that reason was… …what… was… it…?
They groaned slightly and shifted as their eyelids fluttered open. Someone put a cold hand on their forehead, as if to tell them to stop.
“You should stay in bed, Es-kun. Your fever is still rather high.”
Es scowled. “...Shidou.”
They wanted to pry the man’s hand off of them. It was irritating to have such a patronizing person touching them with such a concerned expression. Shidou thought of them as a child, and that was something they could not accept. Even if they were 15, even if they didn’t have their memories, they weren’t a child. They were the prison warden of MILGRAM.
He smiled at them, as though he knew precisely what they were thinking. “You’re my patient at the moment. So, as your doctor, allow me to enforce bed rest.”
Es glared at him for a moment before rolling over - they were on their bed, they realized - and sighing. “Am I so sick that Jackalope absolutely had to bring you here? I thought prisoners weren’t allowed here,” they muttered.
“Jackalope…” Shidou repeated. “Ha. I suppose that’s a good name for them. And yes. From what I’ve been told…” He sighed. “Nevermind.”
“Nevermind? What nevermind?” Es tried to sit up, only to find that it made their body ache to do so, and they fell back down against their pillows.
“Don’t strain yourself. Your body is a bit too busy trying to fight the infection to be able to function well at the moment.” Shidou put a hand against their forehead again, which made Es shudder.
“Cold…” they mumbled without meaning to. It had just slipped out.
Shidou gave them a small smile. “Yes. Your fever’s very high. I’m surprised you’re awake.”
Es hated the fact that Shidou’s presence made them feel at ease. The very fact that it put them at ease, that it made them feel vaguely safe and cared for and protected, was unsettling. They weren’t someone that needed those things. So it was scary. They weren’t a child. So it was scary to remember that they technically were. They weren’t weak or useless. So it was scary… because children were.
“...Get out.” It came out quietly, their voice cracking partway through, and Shidou turned to fetch a bottle of water for them. He unscrewed the cap and held it to their lips, and Es tried to snatch it away.
It was more like Shidou indulged Es’ desire and allowed them to hold the bottle. They drank until their thirst was quenched, which resulted in most of the bottle being emptied, and then handed it back to Shidou.
“Thanks.” Es didn’t smile. “Now, get out.”
Shidou, in contrast, continued to smile. “No.”
Es clenched their hands in the sheets. “Just… get out. I forgave you for the first trial, didn’t I? You should be mad at me for that. Wasn’t your wish to have me condemn you?” They at last smiled at Shidou, though it was a cold expression. “Aren’t you angry? Even though you want to be put to death, you aren’t being punished in the slightest…”
Shidou had paled and frozen in place at first, but as Es had continued speaking, he had composed himself, and his lips had even curved up slightly. “Es-kun… Do you want me to be angry at you?”
They glared at him. “You should be. You’re a filthy criminal, and I am your warden. There’s no need for you to like me. The circumstances would dictate that we wouldn’t be on friendly terms.”
Es’ job wasn’t to be liked by the prisoners, nor to be hated by them. It was simply to watch over them and to judge them. There was nothing else. While being liked might seem to be better, it was nothing more than sinners trying to ingratiate themselves to them. So they abhorred it. To be liked, to be sucked up to… it was disgusting, revolting, wrong, awful, made them sick to their stomach -
“I see.” Shidou’s smile made them feel nauseous. “I can’t say that I agree with your decision to forgive me. It hasn’t brought me anything but torment.” His eyes darkened. “But you’re -”
“I’m not a child!” Es snapped. “Stop saying that I am! Or I’ll forgive you until the end, and you won’t get that death you want, you pathetic excuse for a doctor.”
They gritted their teeth to brace themselves for the anger filling their mind, and the nausea filling their body. Rather than someone like this, who was so annoying to predict and to deal with, and who they didn’t understand in the slightest, they would have preferred to see Yuno again. When she took off that bubbly facade, the bitter girl beneath, with blunt words and cold eyes, was pleasant to deal with.
“...Es-kun. You’re fifteen years old.” Shidou sighed.
“...Just… shut up,” Es muttered.
“Muu spoke with me about -”
“About what?” Es interrupted. “Whatever it is, I don’t want to hear it.”
Shidou placed a hand on top of their head. “You’re an amnesiac, aren’t you?”
They glared at him, but didn’t speak. They couldn’t deny it, but they didn’t want to discuss it. Out of all the prisoners, the one they trusted was Kotoko. Not Shidou. Not this man.
“You’re a child.” Shidou was… ruffling their hair.
Es blinked. There was the usual revulsion, the urge to protest and shout at him until he stopped. But there was also a strange sense of peace and calm. Had they had parents, once? Had those parents ruffled their hair and checked their forehead against the cool banks of their hands when they were sick? Had those parents laughed at things they’d said as ‘foolish’ and called them ‘childish’ or ‘mature for your age’? Had those parents been anything like Shidou?
They didn’t know. They didn’t remember. And the fact that they had no idea at all, not even the faintest hint of a memory, was more painful than any truth.
Es closed their eyes. “Call me whatever you like… I’m the prison warden, so I’ll punish you later. When I’ve recovered.”
Their thoughts were disordered, and they weren’t in a proper mental state to be speaking to anyone. That was all. It was easier to not look, to not think, to not understand. Their job was to understand the prisoners, and they wanted to work diligently towards that end. And yet, the more they tried to understand Shidou, the more they didn’t (want to) understand.
The same hands that had, by his own admission, killed many people… were the same hands that were now ruffling their hair, the same hands that had given them water, the same hands that had felt good against their forehead. They didn’t feel like the hands of a murderer. They felt like safety, like care, like all the things Es didn’t and shouldn’t have.
Shidou had wanted Es to tell him that he was guilty. Es hadn’t been able to do that. Jackalope had called it cruelty. Es could only call it a conflict of interest.
“Ah, before you sleep, Es-kun.” Shidou stepped away for a moment and then returned. Es didn’t bother to look and see, but they listened closely to his footsteps. They were steady and quick, befitting a doctor who was practiced in speed and in meticulous care.
“These pills are for fever and pain reduction… You might not be able to tell right now, but while you were unconscious I did have to administer medication through injection. But since you’re doing a bit better now, I’d prefer to avoid such measures.” Shidou pressed the bottle of water into their hands.
Es opened their eyes a crack. “...Alright.”
Put the pills into their mouth. Put water into their mouth. Swallow. It was that simple. While they did so, they tried to expand their awareness of their body, but they didn’t feel any pain or the shifting of any bandages. Their mind and body felt numb. It was difficult to properly sense anything except the warmth and heaviness of the blankets, the aches that plagued various body parts, and the hot and cold waves that came and went.
“Thank you.” Shidou smiled at them.
They glared at that smile, which seemed to mock them. “If you’re about to call me a good kid, I’m going to have you eat nothing but stale bread for the rest of your time here.”
His smile widened. “I might die from lack of proper nutrition.”
Es tried to roll their eyes at that, but it made them dizzy. “I see… Do you want to die that badly?”
He sighed. “...I don’t think I deserve to live. Do you?”
“Right now… I don’t know,” Es admitted quietly. “You’re a murderer. But…”
“But what?” Shidou’s voice had become quiet as well, more akin to a soft plea than anything else.
It wasn’t that Es wanted Shidou to live and to suffer the weight of his sins. It wasn’t that Es thought that Shidou hadn’t done anything wrong. It wasn’t that Shidou was such a good person that it made up for everything. It wasn’t that Es even liked Shidou, right? Right…?
“...I don’t know,” Es repeated. “I don’t know why… I forgave you.” Their voice shook a bit. Their eyes, their face, their body, all shook and felt hot, like they were overflowing. “I wish I could hate you.”
There was a pressure around their body, gentle but present. Though their vision had blurred, Es understood what it was. Shidou’s arms around them were shaking, and Es was shaking too. It was the first hug that Es could think of. The first and only one in the world. So they buried their face in Shidou’s shoulder and cried.
Es cried, sobbed, and called out nothing-words that weren’t words at all, just meaningless sounds that were snachets of thought and emotion vocalized. Shidou, in return, with a soft voice, told them that they were alright over and over. That he didn’t hate them over and over. They didn’t know why he was saying that. They weren’t alright, and whether or not Shidou hated them wasn’t important at all. But it felt good to hear Shidou’s voice anyway, so they didn’t try to tell him to stop - not that they could have.
Shidou felt safe when he shouldn’t have, and Es was crying when they shouldn’t be, and Jackalope had let Shidou into Es’ safe space especially just to treat them and Jackalope would be disappointed and give Es one of those remarks about how they needed to be more strict with the prisoners and take their job seriously and… Es just cried more thinking about it. They didn’t want to be a child, didn’t want to cry, didn’t want to love anyone, didn’t want to be hated, didn’t want…
“Please don’t die.” It was whispered so softly that Es almost believed that it had remained a thought in their head, that they hadn’t said something so shameful aloud.
“So long as you don’t let me.” It was whispered back just as softly.
Shidou was hugging Es tightly. Es hugged him back. They wanted to go home, but they didn’t have a home to go to. So, just in this moment, Shidou was good enough.