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C/o The All-American Girls Professional Baseball League
FOA Carson Shaw, Rockford Peaches
Dear Carson.
I’m sorry if this letter is not something you wanted. I am sorry for many things. I understand if your first instinct is to throw it away.
If you are still reading, then please know that I am mesmerised by what you have done in the league. I began following it because it made me think of you, and how much you loved baseball. I was astonished when I realised that my daughter was one of the Rockford Peaches. I don’t claim pride as that is not my place. But the things you have achieved, both for yourself and behalf of your team, leave me in awe of your capabilities. I saw parts of that in you as a child, but we both know I wasn’t there long enough to see how that turned out.
I am sorry for that too.
I can’t know how you feel about me leaving. I can only say this. If I could have taken you with me, I would have. But I was heading into a world that wasn’t kind to women like me. I had no husband, and I had to make my own way. I knew I wouldn’t have much, and I was choosing hard times. I wasn’t wrong. But please know that I wanted to take you. If I am being really honest with you, I can’t say I would have taken both of you. Meg fitted that world, and taking her from it would have been a cruelty. But I saw me in you, and I never knew if leaving you in that world was a kindness. Seeing you in the league makes me feel like maybe I made the right decision. But I’ve leave it to you to decide if I’m right or not.
I don’t know what it was like for you without me there. I hope it wasn’t the same way it was for me. But when I saw you in the league, my heart soared for you. You were being everything I saw in you when you were little. I take no credit for it, but I am glad.
If you have read this far, you might be willing to know a little about me. I am happy. That might make you angry, and you’d have the right to be. But I am. It took me some time but I found that life I ran away to find. It’s not perfect, because if you ever have children you will know that their absence is painful no matter the reason why. But I won’t lie and say to you that I am not happier now than I was in Idaho.
I hope you are happy Carson. I truly do. You seem so, in the pictures I have seen from the league. If I can say anything you would listen to, then I say only this. Fight for the happiness I see in these pictures. Most days, it is worth the cost.
I hope that this finds you well. I am sorry for so much, I always loved you, but I know that doesn’t make up for the leaving. Maybe nothing does. But keep doing what you're doing. It’s a hell of a thing to find happiness Carson. If I left you nothing else I hope I left you with that.
With admiration,
Correna.