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Sam turned on the faucet on and let the water run wincing when the sound fills the room.He sits on the edge of the bathtub holding his head in his hands. Today had been rough. Scratch that the past few weeks months had been rough.
Endless hours spent hanging over his ipad just doing one more sketch or finishing one more painting. Getting a couple hours sleep curled up on the couch if he was lucky before he had to go to his bartending shift at the club. Moneys tight and its getting harder and harder to keep believing his art will one day be able to support them full time. It's also getting more difficult to keep rejecting his boss' offer of a stripper job.
He shudders.
He'd get more money, secure hours and bigger tips, but he remembers the feeling of all those hands on his body. The way he'd freeze when someone went just that little too close. How dirty he felt each night scrubbing his skin raw sat on the shower floor before running home hoping no one was following him. He'd paint a smile on his face just as he arrived at the door, kiss his mama on the cheek and try not to throw up when his dad told him how proud he was of the man Sam was becoming. He was just a kid.
Rubbing his eyes he shakes his head. It's not an option. He respected the dancers, but theres no way. He's worked too hard to go back to feeling like that every night things had to work out. He doesn't know what he'll do if they don't. Blaine would hate it if he started dancing again. He's matured a lot since they were teens fighting in a choir room over Sam selling his body, but he'd be so worried all the time. He can't do that to him. God, Sam's so sick of disappointing people. he couldn't stand disappointing Blaine.
At some point the tears start flowing, caressing his face with a reminder of how pathetic he is. He chokes back a sob which makes his head feel like it's going to explode. Every sounds hurts, shocking his system. It reminds him of going to a firework show with his parents when he was four. The way all his excitement and childhood wonder drained out of him when the loud bang went off. Tears blurring the beautiful display into smudges of colour as he ran back into his mother's arms. It took them years to get him to go to another show.
He misses his parents. He really should call them, but everytime he hears warm, comforting words of his mother or the soft giggles of his siblings racing to the phone desperate to tell him all about their day or tell him how they still think he's the best brother in the world it feels like someone twisting a knife right into his heart. He feels like he did at sixteen unable to tell them just how much of a disappointment he really is.
Everything is too much. His brain hasn't stopped buzzing in months, but not a single decent thought he can use.
His broken sobs get lost in the mess of his own thoughts, everything hurts. He tries not to think about how Blaine's not came home on time for a month. He spends his days off out writing in coffee shops or with his friends, Sam can only guess they barely speak anymore. Everytime they do it ends in a fight. Sam knows he's worried, but he's sick of having to be the one to be looked after. He's honestly just thankful Blaine hasn't left for good yet. He wouldn't blame him for leaving, if Sam could he'd leave him too. Blaine has always been too good for him.
Sam gets so trapped in his loud mental mess he misses the sound of the front door and Blaine setting down his keys in the bowl by the door. He misses the footsteps and soft gasp of the man he loves as he stands by the bathroom door. Distantly he thinks he hears someone say his name, but he's so scared it's in his own head he ignores it, gasping for breath.
It's not until the voice gets closer and someone is taking his hand that he opens his eyes. He can't make out much more than the swirls Blaine's styled hair and the smudges of gray from his soft sweater through his tears, but it's unmistakenly him. The warm careful voice soothing him, telling him to breathe with him. The sweet scent of raspberries that seems to follow him everywhere and the warmth of his callused hand grounding him. He always manages to get the perfect amount of pressure to bring him back and remind him he isn't alone.
It takes some time, but slowly he comes back down. Breathing becoming even and his thoughts finally stop flying around his brain. Blaine waits a moment longer before starting to stand from where he is crouching in front of him.
Sam panics.
His hands immediatly tighten their hold as he holds his breath. Looking down at their hands he can't help but think What if this is it? What if this is him leaving for good?
"Hey, hey. Can you look at me?" Blaine cuts his spiral off gently, still using the tone you'd use to a skittish cat. Sam shakes his head stubbornly. He can't stand to see the look in his eyes as he tells him he's leaving.
"Okay well I'm not going anywhere I promise you Sam. I just need to turn off the water. I don't know how long it's been on, but the plug wasn't in so it's just going down the drain." And now Sam's even more embarrassed. They've barely spoken in weeks and now not only has he just had a meltdown, but now he's an idiot who can't even run himself a bath. Great.
Sam pulls his hands back immediatly like he just got burned. He's so sick of feeling like a child.
"Can-" Blaine reaches his hand out to touch Sam before he pulls back and cuts himself off. "Can we move to the sofa? Sam you're freezing." He hadn't noticed he'd been shaking until Blaine mentioned it. Today's the worst.
He nods once and moves slowly to their couch without a word. Blaine follows closely behind, stopping to grab his water bottle from his satchel abandoned on the floor by the door. He places it on the small table in front of Sam and sits down near the centre of the couch, close but still leaving space inbetween them. Neither of them know if he fits there anymore.
"Is it okay if I stay?" Sam nods again, Blaine being there is the only think stopping him losing it again.
"Can you speak? If you can't it's okay." "yes" Sam croaks out pathetically.
"You're still shaking. can I wrap the blanket around you?" He sounds so concerned it just makes Sam feel worse. He blinks away the tears threatening to fall and lets out a noise that sounds almost like a yes. Blaine takes it for the permission it is. Initially, he stays where he is seated and attempts to wrap the knitted blanket around him while respecting his space, but eventually he realises it's impossible to do when Sam is no help sat frozen curled up on himself. He looks smaller than Blaine has ever seen him.
"I have to come closer to get it around you is that okay?" Sam hums back eyes trained on the water bottle. He expects Blaine to slide closer on the couch, but finds Blaine stood in front of him instead. Not knowing where to look Sam shuts his eyes again. Soon he is engulfed in the warmth of the Blanket before Blaine steps back again, but stays in front of him. That swift second Blaine's arms were around him were the closest he's had to a hug in a long time. He can't stop the whine that comes out.
"Sam..." Blaine starts. "I know it's a lot for you right now, but you are going to really hurt yourself if you keep scratching your arm." He registers Blaine's pleading tone and gasps looking down at his now red inflamed arm. He runs his fingers down the stinging red lines. He hadn't even noticed he was doing it. "sorry." he mumbles back, feeling small.
"You don't have anything to apologise for, Sam. I just don't want you to get hurt."
The silence that follows is suffocating. Sam's dealt with a lot of shitty situations in his life, but painting a smile on his face and pretending he's all okay won't fix this one. They've always know what to say and do. They always know how to fix it, but he doesn't know the right answer this time and thats how he knows that he's a few steps away from possibly losing Blaine forever.
Sam's just so tired. He doesn't even remember why they are fighting anymore. He wonders how long it'll take for Blaine to decide he's stable enough on his own. How long it'll take him to go to their room and shut the door, shut the door on them forever.
"I don't know how to fix this Blaine." Is what he ends up spitting out. His voice is hoarse and it seems like most important thing he's ever said.
"I'm so tired and scared and I don't know how to make this better. I don't know how to prove I can be better anymore.I-" His voice cracks as a few tears slip out. It feels like nails running down his sensitive skin. They burn deep.
"I don't know what to say to make you want to stay because you shouldn't." The words hang in the air between them before wrapping around his throat, cutting off his air. "I don't know you've stayed as long as you have, but you deserve more than whatever this is now. More than me. Sometimes it's okay to admit things are too hard. It's not a failure."
The room is still as his ears ring, filling his head with a high pitched tone.The only reason he knows Blaine is still there is the sound of his laboured breathing and slight sniffling.
"I-. How can-. I don't. What are you talking about? I have have no idea whats going on in your head Sam. What, one rough patch and suddenly everythings too hard? Suddenly I'm looking for a way out? I don't understand."
"Blaine please..." "No. Okay, no. You don't get to do this.You don't get to put this on me. If you want to leave and give up. If you want an out then you are the one thats going to man up and be honest alright? Don't put that shit on me." Sam squeezes his eyes shut as he hears Blaine choke on his own sobs. He starts pacing the room as he speaks.
"I have been patient and I've given you your space. I've tried to talk to you. I tried to tell you I was worried about you and us and YOU shut me out.You told me not to worry. A-and I know you get overwhelmed and you don't always understand what's going on in your own head sometimes, but we've always been honest with each other. We work together thats what we've always done. So why are you doing this to us? I just want to help. Whatever your brain is telling you isn't true. I love you and we can fix this just don't give up on us." Sam flinches when Blaine's apparent anger turns to something much more weak and pleading and yet he keeps his voice barely louder than a regular volume. Even in the most emotional state he still recognises Sam's oversensitivity to sound when he's had one of his moments. Sam can't breathe.
"Blaine I..." He whispers. "Do you love me?" Blaine cuts in.
"Of course I do, more than anything. But thats not the point." He pleads with him to understand Sam is doing this for him.
"So you love me and I love you with everything in me so I don't understand why you are so desperate to throw it all away." "I don't, but the longer this goes on the more it's going to hurt when you do leave."
"We were best friends for so long before we got together. I've loved you for years Sam how can I convince you anymore that I'm not going to leave."
"I-I don't think you can. I want better for you. You can't tell me I've made you happy these past few months. Forever is a long time to be stuck with someone like me Blaine."
Blaine stops pacing, moving in front of Sam again and crouching down to look at him. Sam can't handle him this close. He tries to look away, but it's futile. The second his eyes meet Blaine's he can't bring himself to move. Even devasted he's the most beautiful thing Sam's ever laid eyes on.
"I'm not stuck with you. I've never been stuck with you. God, Sam you- you're everything to me. I hate anyone who's put it in your head that you aren't good enough because you're the best. Things have been bad, yeah. You pulled away and I didn't know how to help this time, but that doesn't mean that we can't fix this. I'm sorry I let you get so wrapped up in your own head and you've let yourself believe all that shit again, but I promise it isn't true. I'm not perfect you know that better than anyone.
I don't know who this idealised version of me that lives in your head is, but it isn't me. I get too stressed and snappy over the smallest details. I leave my sheet music all over the place. I nag you constantly about cleaning up your art stuff, even sometimes while you're still using it. I don't know when to take breaks. I'm a huge baby when I'm sick. I'm overly emotional and clingy and I love you more than anything because you put up with me even when I'm moody. You drop off my sheet music and never complain. You bring me coffee and massages and moral support and reality checks when I need them. You never care how clingy I am because you are just as clingy. You love me and I love you and we work, normally. One bump in the road does not erase everything we've built together.
These past few months have been hard and scary, but I'm still here. You know me.
I am not going to leave you if I can help it. As long as you want me around I'm here. And I know sometimes you need reminded of that so I'm sorry I didn't do a good job of that recently, but I will spend the rest of my life doing everything I can to make it as clear as possible. I'm not giving up on you just because you've given up on yourself."
Sam doesn't know what to say. By the end of Blaine's speech they are both openly crying, staring into each others eyes. He tries to find some words, but nothing seems to come out.
"Can I please touch you?" Blaine asks through his tears, always putting Sam's needs first. He barely finishes his sentence before Sam is gasping out a "please."
Blaine jumps up on the couch next to him, one hand cupping his face while the other wraps around his shoulders dragging him closer as he leans on the back of the couch. Sam's face hides in Blaine's chest breathing him in while Blaine presses kisses anywhere he can reach. They are both soaking each other with tears and drowning in each others love.
Sam's arms wrap around Blaine's back ,gripping his sweater holding on for dear life. He pulls him impossibly closer as he hiccups and gasps. Despite all the pain, uncertainty and still unspoken words it's the most at home they've felt in far too long.
Blaine's kisses are placed with purpose, not too light to tickle his sensitive skin, but enough for the warmth to linger and fill Sam with the early flickers of hope.
They are both naturally tactile people and being so deprived of each others touch has them starving for more. They are completly entwined hours later, well into the early hours of the morning when the only light in the room is the glimpse of moonlight. Tears and hiccups subsided yet they are too scared to move incase it breaks the spell. The fear its all a dream and the slightest shift will have the other fading into nothing.
Sam's hands still curled into his sweater, fingers long past cramping, but he can't bring himself to losen his hold. They haven't spoken in hours, but they continue to stare as they hold each other close. Occasionally brushing their noses together as they drink each other in. Their lips never touch though. Things are too raw for them both and they seem to understand that.
Sam is the first to move significantly, it shocks them both. He brushes his nose against Blaine's before moving further to press a single soft kiss on his cheek. Blaine gasps and presses into it. Sam moves back with the smallest hint of a smile. They can fix this.
Blaine manages to get Sam to eat some fruit and drink some water before he offers to run Sam a bath. It takes a promise that Blaine won't leave his side even for a second for Sam to agree.
They must look so silly walking around their apartment completely wrapped up in each other with Sam's blanket still wrapped around them. It would be funny had it been any other time.
They detangle themselves in their small bathroom, but link their hands as Sam busies himself brushing his teeth, eyes focused on Blaine in the reflection of their mirror as Blaine turns on the water and adds some of his own body wash to the bath. He turns to find Sam staring at him in the mirror. He holds Sam's hand in both of his own and brings their entwinged hands up to his mouth to place a lingering kisses he holds his eye contact. They'll be fine.
Once Sam has finished Blaine checks the temperature making sure it's slightly cooler than usual so it won't feel harsh on Sam's skin. He nods wordlessly to let Sam know it's time to get in when he sees Sam's sudden nervousness as he bites his lip hard enough to bleed and looks down at his hand fiddling with the bottom of his t-shirt.
Blaine rubs his thumb along his bottom lip until he removes his teeth. "I can look away if you would feel more comfortable, but you have to know whatever your body looks like doesn't matter to me the way it does to you. I love you and I just want you to be happy and healthy, okay ?"
Sam nods with wide eyes and Blaine goes to look away, but Sam stops him. "Help me get undressed.Please." Yeah they're going to get better.
Blaine gives him a dopey smile and kisses his hand one more time before slowly letting go. Sam raises his arms to Blaine's waist so they are still connected as Blaine lifts the Blanket off Sam's shoulders and folds it before placing it aside.
He hears Sam's breathing quicken when he touches the edge of his t-shirt. He waits patiently for Sam's signal which comes only a few seconds later. Sam closes his eyes and raises his arms as Blaine lifts his shirt. Blaine quickly glances over his torso just to check the situation and notices Sam sucking in his stomach slightly. Unlike when Sam is usually overwhelmed he seems to have worked out less this time. He is a little skinnier than he is usually and there is a little less muscle definition, but overall no major causes for alarm. He presses a kiss to his cheek and watches as a light blush arises.
Sam keeps his eyes closed as he undresses him the rest of the way. He quickly lifts each foot removing his socks before pulling his shorts and boxers down in one swift movement. He puts the clothes in the washing basket and keeps his eyes on Sam's the second they open. "Ready?" "Yeah."
Sam steps in the bathtub with Blaine keeping him steady. He slowly sits down twitching a little when the water hits his skin. It doesn't take long before it feels nice. Blaine crouches down next to the bath, their hands once again entwined, holding on tightly.
"I'm going to brush my teeth, then I can wash your hair if you want me to?" Sam whines. "Yes please."
But when he moves to let go of his hand to go to the sink Sam pulls him closer. Blaine understands. He never wants to let him go again either. "I need to go to the sink." Sam frowns.
"I know it's silly" He starts in a small voice "but I just... I'm scared if I let go then..." "then I'll disappear." Blaine finishes for him. He nods.
"It's fine. I'll wait until you are done." The wide eyed look of hope he gets is worth it.
"C'mon sit back I'll wash your hair."
Blaine always loved washing Sam's hair. Sam is so responsive and it makes him so happy and peaceful, but his heart aches for the hundreth time that night at just how much Sam melts. He lets a small cross his face as he tells Sam to close his eyes so he can rinse his hair and he sees him pout. Sam scans Blaine's face as if he's commiting every detail to memory and wraps one hand gently around Blaine's right wrist.
He makes quick work of it already missing those blue eyes and presses another kiss on his forehead. "Open." He says softly. Sam scrunches his face and peaks one eye open like a little kid. Blaine shivers at the first full genuine smile he's gotten in far too long. How could he do anything but smile back?
"I love you so so much. I'm really glad you're still here" Sam says and Blaine knows he means it.
"I love you like a ring, never ending." Blaine says and Sam hopes he means it.
"I wish the tub was bigger." "I know. we could cuddle."
"Yeah we could." They sit in silence for some time, both emotionally and physically exausted from everything.
"Lets go to bed, Blaine." Sam cups Blaine's face as they both push down the emotions bubbling inside of them. It's such a simple thing. It shouldn't mean so much, but they haven't shared a bed in weeks. Blaine let's out a wet laugh. "Yeah let's go." He says nodding his head repeatedly.
He wraps Sam up in a fluffy towel with such care and love Sam feels butterflies . It's nice to be looked after.
They softly pad their way to the bedroom. Sam reluctantly lets go of Blaine's hand, but only long enough for them to dress. Their usual attire for bed would be just their underwear, but for today they both silently decide on an old t-shirt and pj trousers for Blaine and a t-shirt and shorts for Sam.
It's oddly nerveracking as they look down at the bed. They both stand on the left (Sam's) side. It's awkward for a moment before Blaine mumbles. "I uh I've been sleeping on your side since... you know." Sam lets out a breath and frowns. "When I've made it to the bed and you weren't there I've been sleeping on yours. I'd hide my face in your pillow I was so confused why it didn't smell like you. God I'm so sorry Blaine."
Blaine clears his throat and squeezes his hand twice.
"So how-" "Which side-" They both burst out at the same time.
The stand for another moment before Sam lies down near the middle of the bed and tugs Blaine down beside him until they melt together. Blaine ends up curled up on Sam's chest tucked in safely.
"It's 7am probably not the best idea to go to sleep now." Blaine murmers with no real intention. "Yeah probably not."
"I'll see you when I wake up?" Blaine aims for casual, but the tiredness and vunerability seeps in. Sam kisses his nose before burying his face in Blaine's curls. He's always loved the scent of berries. "I'll be right here. We'll talk more I promise. I love you, Blaine"
"I love you more than you'll ever know." Blaine manages to get out just before they fall asleep wrapped up in each other.
There's still a lot to deal with and a lot to discuss. It isnt guarenteed they will work, but for the first time in a long time Sam has some hope