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Thank you, thank you. Well. It's wonderful to return to my birthplace after 44 years. I did not grow up here, but while you guys welcomed me with open arms, German Academy of Sciences at Berlin sent me a fucking cease and desist letter for implying they allowed a mother at their campus even though I distinctly remember running around their campus as a young child. Their loss, I suppose.
First of all, on behalf of Angela and I, I would like to humbly extend my thanks to the wonderful people here at Leipzig University who helped me piece together my full ancestry. You worked thanklessly for months and then kindly reached out to ask if I would like to meet my family. Even if it didn't go as plan and I probably would've been fine without it, I still acknowledge the amount of work it took.
Turns out my father quite literally fled to Mexico! He was that afraid of being responsible for my existence. He would return to Poland when I was about 20 and we had given up on trying to find him, where he would promptly become part of the neo-nazi party despite being Jewish and then would be beaten to death 3 years later by what we'll call a "good Samaritan". His inferiority complex was severe, and his level of loser-ness was even more so.
He had 3 kids and a wife on the way. They apparently moved to Norway after he died and got really into Germanophobic Euroskepticism, so when I contacted them, they were less than pleased and decided to cancel when I had landed. Jokes on them, I visited Jonas instead and he said he loved me and was going to sign a treaty with me so who's being backstabbed now?
I don't think I'll change my last name. I do not belong to my father. I belong to Angela Kasner, no matter what surname she adopts. And nobody can force me to change that.
I am honestly surprised by the reception I have gotten. Most people said they knew all along, which is an interesting idea, while others were just generally kind to me. The CDU twisted themselves in a pretzel trying to justify their thought process, but honestly, really, truly, honestly...does anyone care what they think? Really?
Emmanuel told me "Olaf, I don't know how to feel about leaving Angela for her son." But I don't think it's weird. I think it makes sense on some level. Pick the next best option, you know?
In other news, Joachim's kids reached out to me recently. Apparently they didn't not like me, rather they somehow managed to believe that I was just a political guy showing up at awkward times. One would think that me being so nice to Joachim wouldn't clued them in, but no! They're very embarrassed of course, but I do find it a bit funny. Christmas will probably be much more amicable now.
Also, Joachim, I would like to take a moment to apologize to you. You did not deserve the harassment you received. I have done my best to prosecute those responsible very harshly. Let this serve as a warning to others: This is Germany. You do not touch my family.
Well, I think that's all. Once again, thank you to the researchers here working to connect the dots and find the stranger who walked these corridors 45 years ago. I cannot imagine how difficult it was, with all the destruction that happened, whether from the state, from Angela, or from the sands of time.
Does this count as a Kanzler Kompakt? Ha, just kidding. Well, I must return to have dinner with my family, who has gotten quite big as of late. This is Olaf Kasner, have a good night.