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Robert is sitting in one of the plastic, uncomfortable hospital chairs, staring at the opposite wall. Not really comprehending what he has done. What his actions have caused.
They are all dead. Chrissie, Lachlan, Lawrence, Rebecca. A whole family wiped out. Police saying it’s an accident. Paramedics saying, it’s not his fault. He tried to help them. It was too late, the force of the impact too high.
And yet it was his fault, altogether. He knows it.
No one is asking questions about what he was doing at the scene. They probably won’t. It will be ruled an accident caused by Chrissie’s dangerous driving. She will be given the blame for his reckless actions.
Thank God that the lorry driver has escaped unscathed.
Beside Robert, still in the car seat, Seb starts to cry. The boy is wearing his pile all-in-one suit and must be really warm by now. Robert unfastens the belt holding the child in place and picks him up. Seb is whimpering softly now so Robert shushes him as he takes the thick suit off.
There is a commotion in the AE waiting room, it looks like there has been another accident. Robert watches as injured people are being rolled in, followed by their loved ones.
How long has he been siting here? He doesn’t even remember. Everything is so blurred together, as if time has stopped.
He wonders briefly if he needs to do something more, identify the bodies. Since the White family have been declared dead on arrival, no one has spoken to him. He remembers signing some forms but that was hours ago. Or was it?
Seb starts to cry again, and Robert thinks his son must be hungry by now and needing a fresh diaper. All the things are neatly packed in a big suitcase in his car. He needs to get them. Or just get out of here and….
…And go where? Yes, he had a plan before, he booked a hotel in London under a false name, thinking that’s where he would wait the storm out and think through what options he had. But going there now would feel strange. His phone has vibrated a couple of times, it must be texts from Vic asking if everything was fine. The news of the crash might or might not reached the village yet.
He puts Seb back in the car seat and goes out. A gust of wind greets him as he opens the door, making his eyes sting. He holds the seat protectively close to himself, worried about Seb catching a cold. It’s just a few steps to the car but Robert feels like it takes an eternity to get to the vehicle. He is unsteady on his legs, like they’re made of cotton.
He’s had a shock, and this must be a delayed reaction. The paramedics mentioned something about it earlier when he was given a blanket and a cup of some hot liquid at the scene of the car crash. A shock, nothing serious. He shouldn’t be driving straight away, they said, he should call for someone to pick him up.
But when has he ever listened to good advice?
He takes the phone out of his pocket. Vic has texted six times and tried to call him six more. There is a text from Aaron as well as from Diane. They must know, they must all know. Which means he can’t be keeping radio silence; he owns them an explanation. Maybe it’s best to find a hotel or a B&B somewhere near instead, spend a night, text everyone back, assuring he and Seb are okay, and them head to London?
Robert turns the ignition on and stares ahead. The images of four dead bodies are flashing before his eyes, making him suddenly forget how a car works. He needs to get his shit together. Seb’s crying continues and Robert pats his son’s cheek. Will he ever be forgiven by Seb for what he’s done? How will he even be able to ever explain…?
Why didn’t he listened to Vic when she had second thoughts about the whole insane plan of his?
The telephone is ringing. Vic, again, as if reading Robert’s thoughts. He picks up this time, suspecting she must be frantic by now.
‘Where have you been’ she’s almost shouting, anger and relief mixed together in her voice. ‘I’ve been worried sick, what’s happened?! Is it true, the accident? That they all…’
‘They’re dead. All of them’ he answers blankly.
‘Have you…?’ The question is hanging in the air, Vic apparently not able to utter it. Have you killed them, that’s what she’s trying to ask. Robert doesn’t blame her. He wants to scream that he has, he has killed them even if it wasn’t his car crashing into the Whites’ SUV.
‘Have you got Seb? Are you two alright?’
Oh. Not thinking the worst of him, Vic, after all. It comes as a surprise, and it brings a lot of comfort.
‘We’re fine. We’re at the carpark at Hotten General. I don’t know what to do, Vic.’
‘Come home, of course’ she replies. ‘Just come home and you can tell me everything then, okay?’
‘I don’t know it it’s a good idea’ he tries to protest, knowing he’s in the lost position. Vic will not take a ‘no’ for an answer.
He’s right. She doesn’t.
‘Don’t be daft. Just drive safely, okay? I’ll put the kettle on.’
He’s forgotten all about the diaper and Seb is screaming most of the ride home. But Robert doesn’t want to stop anywhere, not once he’s been able to gather enough self-control to get the car back on the road. He knows driving in his state, with a baby onboard, is far from ideal.
Ideal, he is really kidding himself. It’s madness, knowing it’s only his extreme stubbornness that keeps him from falling apart here and now.
When he finally reaches the road sign welcoming him back in the village, he’s so grateful he wants to cry. He pulls the car up on outside Victoria’s cottage and is greeted by her warm and strong embrace.
‘I was so worried, you’ve got no idea’ she says, taking the portable car seat from him. She frees Seb from it and swiftly takes care of both the diaper and feeding the little boy. Seb is so exhausted of crying, he goes out like a light in Victoria’s arms.
‘How did you know there had been an accident?’ Robert finally asks, sitting on his sister’s sofa with a cup of tea warming his hands. His teeth are clattering. He can’t seem to get warm enough, even though he’s got his jacket still on. He fetches a blanket, thinking how stupid he must look now.
‘You’re shaking’ Vic states, matter-of-factly.
‘I’m fine. Just stunned, I suppose. It all happened so quickly. I think I’m having some sort of a delayed reaction or something.’
Victoria smiles at him encouragingly. He has never been more graceful for her help that he is now.
‘I got a call from Aaron, asking if I knew there had been an accident. Apparently, Cain had got the news from someone, told Belle because Lachlan had been in the car, Belle called Aaron and so it went. Aaron was beside himself, we tried to call you, the pair of us, but you didn’t answer. Then I called the hospital, but they wouldn’t tell me anything. Neither the police. I really thought this was it. I thought the Whites crashed into you or you into them, and all of you were dead.’
Now it’s Victoria who starts to cry. Robert puts an arm around her, cursing himself for bringing even more pain to people’s lives.
‘I’m fine, really. Chrissie drove straight into a lorry; I was way ahead of them. But I saw it, Vic, I saw it in the rear-view mirror. The sound, it was sickening.’
Suddenly, Robert goes all pale. Barely managing to untangle himself from Vic, he rushes to the toilet. He hasn’t been eating much the whole day so it’s just the warm tea that comes back up.
‘Robert?’ Vic is standing on the other side of the door. ‘Tell me if you need anything, okay?’
‘M’fine.’
‘You’ve been telling it a lot, but I don’t think I believe you.’
He splashes some cold water on his face and comes out. The feeling of uneasiness lingers though.
‘I need to think, Vic. I just don’t know what to do now. This whole mess, this is my fault. I thought I could outsmart them; I thought I could get away. Turns out, I couldn’t. And now Seb won’t ever have a mum and I will have to live with it for the rest of my life.’
‘I should have stopped you’ Victoria cuts in, squeezing Robert’s arm comfortingly. ‘I knew it was a bad idea too.’
‘It’s not on you, I wouldn’t have listened. It was like… When the detective told us that Bex had bought the tickets, I… I felt so mad. All I could think about was that she was trying to hurt me in the process. Kidnapping my child. Turns out I did exactly the same thing, with far worse consequences.’
Robert sinks back into the sofa. He’s emotionally exhausted. There is so much that needs to be done. He is Seb’s father in the eyes of the law, but he guesses he needs to rapport somewhere that he is a sole parent. He wonders if social services will come to look at the accommodation he can provide for himself and Seb. There is none right now. He can’t say he’s staying at his sister’s, can he? The last thing he needs right now is someone undermining his ability to take care of his own son.
On the other hand, he’s happy there are things he must take care of. Real things. He needs to keep himself busy, can’t be left to his own thoughts for so long. Seb needs him, and he needs him in a fit state, not a wobbling mess.
‘Earth to Robert’ Vic is smiling at him. ‘You zoned out. I was asking if you fancy a bite, I was planning to fix something to eat. Or maybe you’d rather go out to the pub?’
Oh no, no pubs. There are people there, they will ask questions he’s got no good answer to.
‘I’d rather stay in. But you go if you want. I need to make a few calls to the estate agents and find us somewhere to stay.’
‘You’re both welcome to stay here as long as you need’ Victoria opposes. ‘And I will be glad to help you to take care of Seb. It’s really not a problem.’
‘Thanks Vic but I’ve overstayed my welcome. Really. I need to get a place of my own, sooner or later it’ll be too cramped for us three here. And Seb crying a lot, you will not sleep a wink at nights, and you need to go to work.’
‘The offer stands if you change your mind.’
The night is awful. Seb starts to scream the moment Robert’s head touches the pillow. He’s up. Cuddling the boy, feeding him, changing the diaper, putting him to sleep, and then the whole circus starts again. He wonders if you go mad after first night and why is no one talking about it.
In the morning, Vic greets him with a cup of the strongest coffee he’s ever drank. It helps a bit, but he still feels like a zombie. Seb is thankfully asleep for the moment, but the peace and quiet doesn’t last long.
His phone rings, one of the estate agents and Seb is awake again. Robert curses himself for not putting the goddamn mobile into silent mode. The call is not worth it all either, as there is no good news. Nothing to rent available, sorry sir, but keep trying, something will surely turn up.
Vic goes to work and Robert stars to feel more and more desperate. Taking care of a child shouldn’t be so hard, there must be ways to calm an upset baby down, otherwise the mankind wouldn’t have survived. Robert wonders if he can call someone and ask for a bit of advice. But neither Nicola nor Vanessa is picking up, and he can’t come up with anyone else to turn to. He wished his own mother was still alive. She would know what to do, she would come and help, offering comfort and support.
But his on his own. It’s his mess and he’s on his own.
Aaron knocks and knocks. From inside the cottage, he hears a child crying, no, more like screaming inconsolably. No one would hear knocking in this noise, so Aaron tries pressing the doorhandle. Turns out the door is not even locked.
Inside, it looks like someone has taken all the clothing items in the whole house and spread them all over. A few plates with some leftovers are lying scattered here and there and the whole place smells of old diapers.
Standing in the middle of this mess is Robert, bare-chested, cradling the screaming baby. He doesn’t even notice Aaron coming in. He is shushing the baby to no avail. When his eyes finally rest upon the guest, he almost jumps up.
‘You should have knocked’ he says. ‘You scared me almost to death.’
‘I did knock. But I don’t think you’d have heard an army marching in with the baby crying like that. He’s got strong lungs.’
‘Yeah, he’s been like that for the last few hours. I’ve got no clue what the problem is. Tried everything that both me and the internet can come up with. Nothing works. I’m on my wit’s ends soon.’
‘Maybe he doesn’t like the clutter around?’
‘Haha, very funny. But I need to clean, just don’t know when. I don’t want Vic coming home to this but…’
‘I can give ya a hand if you want.’
‘Can you hold him for a while? I’m so stressed by all this, maybe he feels it somehow? In one of the parents’ groups on the net someone said that babies are extremely receptive.’
‘What is the world coming to, Robert Sugden’s been hanging on mums.net’ Aaron jokes. He’s not sure about even coming close to the baby, but he’s got no chance to protest because suddenly he finds himself holding the little boy. Seb must be equally shocked as Aaron because he stops crying at once and gives Aaron a blue-eyed glance.
‘See, you’re a natural’ Robert states. ‘Can you just please hold him a while longer, I need to mix some formula for him and find him clean clothes.’
‘As long as he’s quiet’ Aaron half jokes. ‘I’ll manage. Go and take a shower, you’ve got something whiteish on your right shoulder and on your back.’
Robert disappears upstairs. It takes a while and then he emerges with wet hair and fresh clothes on. Seb must have been completely drained by all this screaming because his eyelids are heavy and he’s asleep in no time. Aaron is almost proud of himself. Not that he’s done much. But apparently, whatever he has done, it’s been enough.
‘Put the bottle away’ he tells Robert. ‘He’s asleep. I gather you don’t want to wake him up and expose our ears for more screaming.’
‘Thank you’ Robert sighs. ‘I was ready to call Vic and ask her to come home earlier, this crying can drill itself into your skull.’
‘You think I can put him to bed now or will I have to stand here until he wakes up?’
‘Oh, I don’t know’ Robert sound lost. ‘Can you try to sit down with him in your lap or something?’
He sounds so pleadingly Aaron’s got no choice than to do as he asks. It works, thankfully, Seb is still asleep.
‘You look run down. When did you last eat something?’
‘I don’t think I remember. I made a sandwich before, but I seem to have mislaid it somewhere.’
‘You can’t go on like this, Robert. You need to take care of yourself, you’ll be no use to him otherwise.’
‘And how am I supposed to do that? It’s just me and him now, Aaron. Vic is working, I don’t want to burden her with this. I’m looking for a place of my own, we can’t stay here. It’s not like I’ve got relatives queuing to help me. I made this mess; I need to take care of it.’
Robert’s voice is on the verge of breaking and Aaron sees how much strain he’s under.
‘Diane could help?’
‘Yeah, she’s been here once, mouth full of praises for my father, how well he coped when my mum died. The truth is, he didn’t. But it’s not like she’ll listen anyway.’
‘But you were older when Sarah died.’
‘Not Sarah. My birth mum. She… she died in a car accident when I was a baby.’
‘You’ve never mentioned her before’ Aaron has totally forgotten Sarah was only Robert’s adoptive mother.
‘No, I… I don’t think of her as often as I should. I never knew her and now Seb won’t…’
It must be the lack of sleep and the stress of the past days because suddenly Robert’s voice breaks completely. ‘It’s my fault. He will never meet his mum and it’s my fault, Aaron.’
His eyes are wet, and he wipes them with the sleeve of his sweater. Aaron suspect Robert could use with a hug but he’s still holding the baby, not daring to move even an inch.
‘How can it be your fault?’ he asks instead.
‘You haven’t heard? The accident, Chrissie was chasing me. They crashed because they were going after me. I might have as well pulled the trigger. I should have known how it would end. But I never do, do I? I never think before I act. How will I ever be able to tell my son what I did?’
He’s crying openly now. Maybe it is what Robert needs, Aaron thinks. Just cry and release the tension.
‘He will hate me when he finds out. I don’t want my son to hate me’ Robert hiccups.
‘He will not hate you, you’ll be a great dad, Rob. You already are. Don’t be so hard on yourself.’
‘I don’t even know how. There was never… I never heard “I love you” from my dad. I know it was hard on him, losing two wives, but I was just a kid. I wanted what every kid my age wanted. To feel loved and acknowledged. To know he would do anything for me. But he didn’t. He didn’t want to know of me, in the end. Isn’t it what parents should do, forgive their kids, and have their backs, no matter what?’
‘Hey, but you’re not like him.’
Robert sniffs. He’s not looking at Aaron, s if ashamed to be falling apart like that. Aaron’s happy though that he can be of some help, even if he’s only a shoulder to cry on. That’s what friends do, and he promises himself he will not fail Robert, not leave him alone in this. For once, he can prize himself useful.
‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have burdened you with all this. It’s nothing compared to your experiences, it’s just me feeling sorry for myself.’
‘No, don’t say that. What you went through growing up, is not less valid because I had worse. But it made you the man you are today, and I’m sure you know exactly what not to do as a parent. So just do the opposite and it’ll turn out okay.’
There is a shade of smile on Robert’s face. And that’s a starting point.