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Chapter Text

It’s a terrible idea. Shen Jiu knows this. However, like every other terrible idea he’s had in his life, it doesn’t stop him from carrying it through.

His meridians burn, and he ends up on Qian Cao peak after one of his disciples find him in a puddle of coughed up blood in the bamboo house.

He’s staring blankly up at the ceiling when he feels Yue Qingyuan approaching. Shen Jiu doesn’t have the mental or emotional strength for this right now, so when the sect leader says, “Xiao Jiu?”

Instead of letting loose with a bunch of vitriol which he really wants to, he decides to do the exact opposite. Shen Jiu? Sorry, don’t know him.

“Who?” he asks simply, and pretends not to know the sect leader.

Thick brows furrow on Yue Qingyuan’s face and he looks devastated for a moment before his expression clears. “...Shen Qingqiu?”

What Shen Jiu should do is snap at the sect leader, tell him he was just fucking with him.

He Should.

He doesn’t.

“I don’t know who that is,” he says calmly.

Yue Qingyuan’s mouth opens and closes a few times. “I’m getting Mu Shidi,” he says, and walks off quickly.

Ha. Has he finally, after all this time, found the secret to stop the sect leader from bothering him?

Shortly, Mu Qingfang returns, trailed by Yue Qingyuan. “Hello,” he greets. “I am Mu Qingfang. Do you know who you are?”

Shen Jiu really should just admit that he’s fine. Well, for someone that almost just died from a qi deviation. He should. But. He kind of wants to see what will happen if he doesn’t. He’s made so many bad decisions in his life, obviously, this is just another in a long line of them. He nearly died. Surely he’s entitled to fuck with people a little, isn’t he?

“I don’t remember my name,” Shen Jiu tells him. “Do you know it? Do you know me?”

He’s kind of proud of his acting. When he lived on the streets he used to be able to cry at the drop of a hat. This is not that different. Strangely, it appears that those skills were just dormant, not gone.

He’s so sick of trying to make good choices and having it fail miserably. Honestly, he might as well just make the bad choice and be done with it.

He listens to Mu Qingfang explain who he is, and where he is and what happened. Does he remember cultivating, Mu Qingfang wants to know.

If he has amnesia he should say no, right? “Yes,” Shen Jiu says clearly. He holds out his hand and calls a shimmering ball of light to his hand, then dissipates it.

“Interesting,” Mu Qingfang murmurs thoughtfully. “What’s the first thing you remember?”

“Looking up at the ceiling,” Shen Jiu answers promptly. “Why do you think this might have happened?”

After a moment Mu Qingfang says, “It’s possible that the qi deviation was caused by long standing heart demons. Shen Shixiong, I’m sorry to tell you, you have been prone to qi deviations for a long time.”

Normally this would infuriate him. Normally, he’d leave in a huff, radiating icy disdain. Instead, he shrugs. “Well. Perhaps since I can’t remember anything bad happening to me, my cultivation will improve.” He folds his hands primly in his lap.

The physician just stares at Shen Jiu, like he can’t believe what he’s hearing.

“When can I go home?” Shen Jiu asks, looking up at the doctor.

“When can you-Shen Shixiong!” Mu Qingfang sputters. “Do you even know where you live?”

Shrugging, Shen Jiu says, “Not really. Does it matter?” He has to work a little bit to suppress the grin that’s threatening. Poor Mu Shidi is starting to look like he might qi deviate.

He’s left alone for awhile. He feels a strong qi signature approaching and looks up to see Liu Qingge entering the room. He has surely been recruited to try and elicit some reaction in Shen Jiu. “Hello,” he greets politely.

Liu Qingge looks pissed off already, scowling deeply at him. “Shen Qingqiu! What sort of game are you playing!”

Remembering all the times Liu Shidi has made his life miserable, Shen Jiu thinks about how this one fucking man is responsible for so much of his unhappiness. Tears fill his eyes. “Why are you shouting at me?” he asks pitifully, widening his eyes. “I’m just sitting here by myself.”

To his utter and complete shock, Liu Shidi is silent, just staring at him.

“I don’t even know who you are,” Shen Jiu continues pitifully, then sniffs. He looks away, biting his lip.

“I-I’m sorry,” Liu Qingge apologizes. He keeps staring at Shen Jiu like he doesn’t know what to do about him.

This is starting to be a little fun, Shen Jiu decides. “Did I do something to you? I don’t remember if I did, but I’m sorry for whatever it was.” Is this over the top? Maybe! He wipes his eyes, and hastily, Liu Qingge reaches inside his sleeve and produces a handkerchief.

Shen Jiu looks up at him through his eyelashes. “Thanking immortal master,” he says, eyeing Liu Shidi carefully. He’s often thought over the years that it’s a shame that Liu Shidi’s personality is so objectionable, because really, he is extremely attractive. Shen Jiu has always enjoyed looking at him. In another life, he might have even pursued him, or attempted to be more friendly at least.

Alas. Shen Jiu has been firmly consigned to the Scum Villain role in Liu Qingge’s headspace.

Although…isn’t now a perfect opportunity to change that?

Strangely, Liu Qingge hasn’t left the room yet, but continues standing there. Finally he clears his throat and says, “Liu Qingge. Don’t…call me immortal master.”

Shen Jiu smiles. “Hello, Liu Qingge. I’m Shen Jiu. It’s good to meet you.”

As he watches, a light pink flush creeps up Liu Qingge’s neck and face. Without a further word, he spins on his heel and leaves.

Wow. Did he get rid of Liu Shidi just by smiling? That’s a weapon he had no idea was even in his arsenal!

Making bad decisions is really paying off today. Mu Shidi comes back and though he hems and haws for awhile, untimely Shen Jiu is allowed to return to his home on Qing Jing peak.

“I’m the peak lord?” He asks, going for appropriately awed. “At Cang Qiong Mountain Sect?”

Troubled, Mu Shidi nods. “Your memory may return sooner if you are among familiar surroundings.”

“Thank you,” Shen Jiu says enthusiastically. “It’s just that..I’m not sure how to get there.”

“Ah. Not to worry,” Mu Qingfang tells him kindly. “Our martial brother has offered to walk you to your home. You met him earlier, Liu Qingge. What did you think of him?”

It’s no trouble at all to call up a blush. “He’s…very handsome isn’t he? Just looking at his face makes me feel all fluttery.” It’s sort of true actually. He’s just been repressing it for about a decade and a half. For maximum effect, Shen Jiu adds, “He was so kind to me earlier.”

Mu Shidi blinks a few times, speechless at this ridiculousness. “I see. That’s …good to hear. I will fetch him now.”

Shen Jiu is waiting patiently when Liu Shidi enters the room. His face is pink already and idly, Shen Jiu wonders if Mu Qingfang (unable to resist good gossip) passed along Shen Jiu’s comments on the war god’s beauty. “Liu Qingge, thank you for your escort. I’m sure you have much more important things to do than to assist me back home.”

Liu Qingge presses his lips together tightly like he’s holding back a bunch of uncharitable thoughts. He inclines his head, and together they leave Qian Cao peak.

It’s a lovely day, and Shen Jiu doesn’t attempt to start any conversation along the way. They cross the Rainbow bridge into Bai Zhan peak, and continue along the pebbled walkway. Liu Qingge’s peak is quite spartan compared to his own. There’s no fancy landscaping, or indeed, any attempts at feng shui.

Liu Shidi keeps stealing glances at Shen Jiu like he’s waiting for a verbal attack. So sorry, Liu Shidi, not today!

They pass the training grounds and some disciples in white and gray come running up to them. “Shizun, are you sparring with Shen Shibo today?”

Clearing his throat, Liu Shidi says simply, “No. Go train,” he says, again checking Shen Jiu for his reaction.

If Shen Jiu knew that being friendly would rattle Liu Shidi so much, he could have started off this way.

Soon, they come to another rainbow bridge and this time they cross into Qing Jing. Shen Jiu feels like he wants to breathe a sigh of relief just being back on his own peak.

Interestingly, Liu Shidi does not take him via the most expeditious route to the bamboo house. Instead, he guides them to the right which will take them close to the disciple training rounds and dormitories.

Liu Shidi! Is this you being sneaky? If it is, Shen Jiu approves. He says nothing as they approach the training grounds. When they get closer, Shen Jiu stops in his tracks.

“What are you doing?” he calls out. A small circle of disciples in green and white are huddled in a tight circle and they appear to be kicking the shit out of someone on the ground.

Startled to see two peak lords, the Qing Jing disciples stop. One of them still even has his leg cocked back. Ah, Shen Jiu realizes. Liu Qingge brought him this way to test him! Okay, not bad, Liu Shidi! Very crafty. However, Shidi doesn’t realize that Shen Jiu is committed to this course of action now.

“Shizun,” one of them says. “We were correcting Luo Shidi since he didn’t come to class this morning.”

Probably, because his shixiongs gave him their own chores to do, Shen Jiu knows. Normally this would not bother him in the least.

However.

He is currently Amnesiac!Shizun, not Actual!Shizun. Shen Jiu strides forward. “Why are you bullying your shidi? Who is that on the ground, help him up now.”

Liu Qingge remains behind him, watching but silent.

Shen Jiu watches his disciples try to figure why he’s acting so weird. Good luck with that, brats. Shen Jiu doesn’t even know himself! This next few minutes will be a true test, though. Because he honestly can not stand that little beast.

Luo Binghe manages to pull himself to his feet, obviously favoring his right leg. His eye is swollen, and one arm is wrapped around himself, as if to splint some broken ribs.

For a moment their eyes meet. Shen Jiu remembers his time on the streets. Does Luo Binghe think he’s the only brat in the world who's gotten beat up? At least fight back, little beast, Shen Jiu thinks.

For a moment Shen Jiu imagines what he would have wanted to happen when he was the one on the ground. Some coddling no doubt, and for the abusers to be punished. Fine. He can work with that. “The rest of you run thirty laps around the base of the peak.” He walks over to Luo Binghe, Liu Shidi trailing uselessly behind him.

Eyeing the boy, Shen Jiu digs deep and says, “Are you all right?” He says this in a perfectly normal tone of voice.

The boy…flinches. Beast, why are you flinching? I haven’t even done anything this time!

“This disciple is fine, Shizun.” The boy says to the ground, like Shen Jiu doesn’t have eyes.

“My memory may be gone, but my eyes still work,” Shen Jiu says mildly, causing another flinch. Stop flinching little beast! That used to get Shen Jiu more beatings, not less! “Can you bear weight on your leg?”

Luo Binghe hesitantly meets Shen Jiu’s eyes, quickly looking away. “Yes, Shizun.”

“Are you able to get to Qian Cao peak on your own or do you need help?” Any street kid would sooner die than accept help. Shen Jiu honestly wonders what Luo Binghe will do.

The little beast attempts to take a step and nearly falls to the ground. Nearly, because Shen Jiu catches him and scoops him up into his arms before he can hit the ground. Ha! Shen Jiu thinks. Would I do this if I could remember anything, Liu Shidi?

“Liu Qingge,” Shen Jiu says, turning to his martial brother. “Would you be able to assist my disciple? At the moment I am unable to recall if I have medical supplies at my house.”

“Give him to me. I will carry him while I take you to your house, then I will bring the boy to Qian Cao.”

Remembering his secret weapon, Shen Jiu gives Liu Qingge a bright, beaming smile. It feels so wrong. But it works! His shidi swallows and then moves closer, slipping Luo Binghe out of Shen Jiu’s arm and into his own.

Shen Jiu can’t help the way his gaze lingers on the bulging muscles of Liu Shidi’s biceps and forearms. “Thank you, Liu Qingge.” he says softly. “Please lead the way.”

He sees his little beast exchanging a glance with the Bai Zhan peak lord, but neither of them comment on his obvious out of character behavior.

Liu Qingge leaves him at the bamboo house, promising to come back with an update about his little beast. Luo Binghe looks a little star struck to be up close and personal with Liu Qingge.

That’s fair, Shen Jiu thinks. It’s not everyday that the Bai Zhan war god acts as a ferry to the medical peak for the littlest Shidi on Qing Jing.

He makes the terrible medicinal tea that Mu Qingfang forced on him and sips it slowly. What would he normally do? Meditate? Paint? Practice the guqin, or calligraphy?

Therefore he opts to do none of those things, and lays down on his bed instead.

Normally, if he had to go to Qian Cao, Mu Qingfang greets him with long-suffering sighs of disappointment.

Normally, any interaction with Yue Qingyuan ends with Shen Jiu demanding answers and the sect leader apologizing uselessly.

Normally, any interaction with Liu Shidi ends up with drawn swords, raised voices and harsh words on all sides.

He has to admit…it’s a little bit…nice…not having those things happen.

Even his little beast didn’t seem quite so irritating this morning.

Surprisingly, Shen Jiu finds it a little easier to circulate his qi than he expects. With this revelation he begins cultivating and loses himself for the next few hours. Sharp rapping at his door brings him back to awareness and he gets up to see who’s there.

He finds Liu Qingge on his doorstep. This is unusual because the Bai Zhan peak lord is known for his habit of kicking in doors like a brute. Shen Jiu considers this the most startling event of the day, really.

“Liu Qingge,” Shen Jiu greets, and gives him a smile. (The secret weapon! WHY, why did he not know this?)

“Shen Jiu. Your disciple is fine. He had a cracked rib and pretty bad sprained ankle. I made him go to the dormitory, even though he said he would be fine in the woodshed.” Liu Qingge glowers at him.

Frowning, Shen Jiu considers his words carefully. “Please, come in.” He says, making an effort at hospitality. He actually hadn’t known the little beast was sleeping in the woodshed. Weak, he thinks. He should have fought back, or at least come and told Shen Jiu about it. Although, he supposes after he dumped tea on the kid’s head, Luo Binghe probably didn’t trust him much. Good! That’s something that Shen Jiu actually approves of! Trust is bad! Trusting people to do the right thing is also bad, as evidenced by, well, Shen Jiu’s entire life.

He realizes that Liu Shidi has been waiting patiently and says, “I will talk to the other disciples tomorrow.” Slyly he peeks at his Shidi and finds him with a perplexed expression on his face.

“Would you care for some tea?” Shen Jiu offers since Liu Shidi is just standing there.

Liu Qingge opens his mouth and then closes it again. He crosses his arms over his chest. “No, thank you. I must return to my peak.”

Nodding, Shen Jiu says, “Thanking Shidi for his time spent with this Shen Jiu today. Perhaps you would like to join me for tea another time?”

The pink flush seeps up into Liu Shidi’s cheeks. What has him so flustered? Honestly Shen Jiu isn’t even messing with him that much?

“Another time perhaps,” Liu Shidi says and escapes the bamboo house like Shen Jiu is waving his sword at him.

His martial siblings are being so strange today. Surely this is not caused just by Shen Jiu pretending he can’t remember them?

Well, he supposes. There’s nothing for it. He looks forward to another day of amnesia tomorrow.

Chapter Text

Having fake amnesia is much more relaxing than having his actual memory, Shen Jiu decides. He considers his day spent pretending to know nothing a hard won victory.

If the strategy is working, he decides, why stop now?

At any rate, one of the rewards he reaped thus far includes a few hours of non-nightmare sleep. Amazing! Is this what normal people feel like in the morning, he wonders?

Shen Jiu prepares the medicinal tea and slowly sips it at the low table in his main room. What other things should he change in the name of not knowing any better? What other actions has he been taking while trying to do the ‘right thing’ which have failed miserably?

Ideas float through his head while he works on his tea.

He’s been so preoccupied with pretending to be a ‘peerless immortal’ all these years so no one found out about his extremely humble beginnings. Would his martial siblings collective heads explode if they knew he was a former slave?

He’s been trying for so long to prove his worth, to make them see that they need him, but how has that worked out for him? Banned from Xian Shu peak! Implied to be blackmailing the sect leader for preferential treatment! Called all sorts of foul names from the pretty boy peak lord next door.

Liu Qingge gets a special mention here, Shen Jiu thinks. For a while the Bai Zhan lord had almost stalked him across the peaks and down to the town in the valley, chasing him when he visited his friends at the brothel.

On Qing Jing peak, probably the most egregious thing he’s done is try and beat some sense into his little beast of a disciple, Luo Binghe. It was just so infuriating that the stupid child has so much potential but did he use it? No!

He let himself get bullied, and so did not cultivate or attend class, making it impossible for him to improve and stop the bullying.

Certainly no one helped Shen Jiu when he was the one living in the woodshed! Why should he help the little beast!

Still. If he’s going to do the opposite thing he normally would, then he should (he mentally shudders) take the little beast under his wing. It would really cement his story of amnesia, he tells himself. Anyone who knows him, whether it be a disciple or peak lord would never expect him to help the little brat.

He walks into the boys dormitory that morning, but already knows Luo Binghe will have been run out by his shixiongs. Actual!Shizun of course, would not have a problem with it, but Actual!Shizun is not home today so the shixiongs get a collective punishment for being assholes.

Once at the woodshed, Shen Jiu does not rip the door open like he wants to, but opens it slowly. “Luo Binghe?” he calls into the dark shed, and hears rustling.

“Shizun?” the brat sounds equal parts horrified and shocked.

“What are you doing in here? Peak Lord Liu told me he dropped you off at the dorms?” Now that he’s stepped inside, he sees the little beast propped up against a stack of chopped wood, looking miserable.

“Um.” the boy says intelligently.

Resisting the urge to scream at the boy to hurry up and say what’s on his mind, Shen Jiu actually says, “Is something wrong? Luo Binghe looks upset.”

To his absolute shock, tears fill the child’s eyes.

!!!

Does this Shizun look like someone who enjoys tears?! With a mental sigh, and grasping for the dregs of his patience, Shen Jiu crouches down. “Tell Shizun what’s wrong, hm?”

This just makes the little beast start sobbing. He covers his eyes and his shoulders shake and shake. After a few minutes Shen Jiu starts to get concerned. Surely this can’t be normal? He sifts through his own memories. He never really allowed himself to cry like this, not for real.

Oh gods, he realizes. Is that part of his problem? Well, Shen Jiu is not about to join the boy in crying. He has no idea how to handle things. Okay, he thinks quickly. What if, what if I was a loving parent. How would I handle this? The answer comes to him and he can only think, Ugh.

Shen Jiu leans forward and carefully, draws his little beast against his chest and wraps his arms around him, patting him gently.

Weirdly, this makes the kid cry harder.

Really, what is wrong with this child? Sighing deeply, Shen Jiu, committed to the act now, tightens his arms. After several more minutes the boy finally quiets down, but clutches Shen Jiu’s robes desperately.

What’s the last thing in the world that Actual!Shizun would do in this situation?

Shaking his head a little, Shen Jiu just picks up Luo Binghe and carries him to the bamboo house. Once inside, Shen Jiu parks him on a chair and says, “Stay put. I am making tea and then you will tell me what’s wrong.”

He flings a handkerchief at the boy and busies himself making tea. He hears the boy start to settle and the tea is done shortly after. Pouring them each a cup, Shen Jiu prods the boy, “All right? Tell Shizun what’s wrong.”

“Everyone hates me!” Luo Binghe bursts out.

…Okay? Shen Jiu was expecting him to complain about getting beat up by his shixiongs but this also tracks.

Normally he’d tell the kid to suck it up and punish him for whining about it. Withholding a deep sigh, Shen Jiu just raises his eyebrows.

“The other boys are so mean and they make me do all their chores because I can’t beat them up and then I don’t have time to try and cultivate.. and …and you hate me too! Why are you pretending to be nice!”

Ah, so the little beast is smarter than Shen Jiu had previously thought! That’s a nice surprise. “This Shizun is suffering from memory loss,” Shen Jiu lies blatantly.

Luo Binghes eyes fill with tears again. “And as soon as you remember anything you’ll hate me again and you never even said what I did to make you hate me in the first place! I just wanted someone to care about me and to help me, just a little, is that so wrong?”

Shen Jiu stares at him, finger running along the top of the teacup. He remembers thinking the same things after he was forced into slavery with the wretched Qiu family.

“No,” he says softly. “It’s not so wrong to want that.” Shen Jiu wishes someone had said that to him so long ago. What else had he wished for, locked in various closets and taking various beatings? He’d wished for hope that things might get better despite all evidence to the contrary.

“Why did Shizun hate me?” Luo Binghe asks with teary eyes.

The truth? He pretty much hates everyone starting with himself. It’s not personal. But the little beast had a much better start than Shen Jiu did, and more potential too. Mn. Bad combination, Shen Jiu thinks, looking back.

Anyway! Amnesiac!Shizun gets to sidestep the question! Another benefit!

“I can’t answer the question now,” Shen Jiu says drily. “But I can guess that it likely had nothing to do with you personally. It was probably something that Shizun needed to straighten out his own head about.”

Luo Binghe looks like he’s about to start crying again, and Shen Jiu really can’t take anymore tears this morning. “Why is your cultivation stalled?” he asks, scrambling for a different topic. This one is kind of just as bad though, in a slightly different way.

Frowning, the boy looks at the table. “This disciple is stupid and doesn’t understand.”

“Well, have you been reading your manual?” Shen Jiu asks.

“Yes, but Shizun,- it, I swear, it doesn’t make any sense!”

“Show me,” Shen Jiu says flatly. He might as well review it with the little brat since they’re both sitting here.

Luo Binghe hands it over and Shen Jiu’s mood darkens the longer he looks at it. “Where did you get this?” he asks, and judging from Binghe’s expression, he needs to modulate his tone. Remember, he tells himself, Amnesiac!Shizun is neutral to the little beast. “I am asking,” he adds, “because this manual-” He shakes it. “Is something that if you used for more than a short time could cause irrevocable damage to your cultivation system, including possible qi deviation.”

The little beast looks down, but his face darkens. Not such a pushover, after all, eh?

“This is not the manual that Qing Jing disciples are supposed to receive. Ming Fan was supposed to-”

Luo Binghe’s eyes meet his.

“I see.” And he does. All too clearly.

How funny that Amnesiac!Shizun, is by far the better master.

Hmm. Well. What would Actual!Shizun do, Shen Jiu wonders. Probably-well, he’d have to punish Ming Fan, who would then be out for Luo Binge’s blood. Moving forward, Shen Jiu predicts more sabotage, dual retaliation and all around bad feelings.Eventually, someone would try to harm the other and actually succeed.

Those are predictions, he tells himself. What would he have done.

Thrown the little beast out of his house without listening? Ignore everything?

Okay, Shen Jiu thinks, what’s the last thing in the world I ever would have done before? It comes to him with a flash of inspiration. “Binghe, go meditate in the bamboo forest. Stay away from Ming Fan. I will be back shortly.”

______________________

He glides past the sputtering head disciple of Qiong Ding peak without a word, strolling right into Yue Qingyuan’s office.

The Sect Leader is sitting behind his desk, a shocked expression on his face.

“Zhangmen shixiong,” Shen Jiu says with a bow. “This useless Shen Jiu must ask for assistance.”

Quickly rising to his feet, Yue Qingyuan says, “What has happened? Is Qingqiu shidi well?”

“I am well, but something has happened and I seek counsel.” Shen Jiu says this perfectly calmly, and with a straight face for which he deserves a medal.

Yue Qingyuan blinks at him. Then tilts his head to the side. He swallows. “Of course. Shall we sit somewhere more comfortable?” The Sect Leader ushers Shen Jiu to a connecting room. It’s smaller, almost cozy with more comfortable furniture. Huh. Yue Qingyuan apparently likes plants?

They take seats on plush cushions next to a low tea table. With a quick talisman, Yue Qingyuan requests tea and snacks. Once the tea has been served and the snacks plated, the sect leader turns an expectant look to Shen Jiu.

Sorry, he needs a moment. This is…the first time since he joined Cang Qiong that he’s sitting at the same table as Qi-ge Zhangmen Shixiong without harsh words or useless apologies being thrown around. For a moment, just a moment, Shen Jiu longs for the terrible days when it was the two of them against the world.

Okay, moment is up! Ruthlessly, Shen Jiu shovels that bullshit to the back of his mind, covers it up and mentally stomps on it for good measure.

“I have discovered a problem on my peak, and …given my…difficulties, I am unsure how to proceed.” Shen Jiu says. “I have discovered that my head disciple, without my knowledge, gave my youngest disciple a false cultivation manual.”

Dark brows furrow on Yue Qingyuan’s face. “The one that’s always getting into trouble?”

“Yes.” Shen Jiu says. Good. Let Yue Qi figure out what to do about it. This way, Shen Jiu has plausible deniability! So sorry, it was the Sect Leader’s decision, not mine! All my decisions are bad so trust me, you don’t want me making them!

Yue Qingyuan sits back on his cushion, considering the matter. “Perhaps…” The Sect Leader smiles, and it nearly breaks Shen Jiu’s heart. It’s not the bland smile he gives everyone here. No. This smile is all Qi-ge, ready to kick some ass, and take a beating if needed.

“Ask Liu Shidi if he will keep the boy on his peak for two weeks. That should teach him a less-well, actually he may learn many lessons.” Yue Qingyuan’s lopsided grin is something that Shen Jiu had no idea he had missed so much.

Probably because it’s not something he allows himself to think about, ever. That way lies only pain. Oh, Shen Jiu thinks. He has an idea. The best part is, it’s absolutely something he would never normally do.

“Did we know each other well?” Shen Jiu asks, peeking up through his eyelashes. “I feel like-” He takes a deep breath. “I feel like I miss you so terribly, but we live in the same sect so that doesn’t make sense. Did we even know each other?”

He watches grief fill Yue Qingyuan’s eyes. “Xiao-ah. Qingqiu-Shidi. Yes, we…grew up together in a way, then we got separated for many years. I …I promised I would come back for you, but-”

“You failed,” Shen Jiu says flatly, though less poisonously than he usually would.

“By the time I did manage to get to you-”

WHAT.

“The place you had been living was burned to the ground.” Yue Qingyuan stares at the table in shame. “I thought you were dead for years, until-” He looks up, meeting Shen Jiu’s eyes. “Until we ran into each other by chance. And you saved my life.” His eyes are glassy.

Shen Jiu, meanwhile, is in something like shock. Qi-ge…hadn’t left him to die? He’d tried? He tries to say something, but his throat is much too tight.

Qi-ge had come back for him!

Something in his chest loosens, a ball of pain that’s been there for years, stabbing him every time Yue Qingyuan gives him a bland smile, or one of those terrible gifts.

Wait, he realizes. If those gifts, hairpins and knick knacks, and such weren’t meant to be bribes then….what were they for? Did that mean that Qi-ge just…wanted him to have them?

Shen Jiu is so confused.

“I’m so confused,” he says. “I thought you were ashamed of me.”

“Xiao Jiu? Your memories?” Qi ge says eagerly, eyes shining. He leans forward, staring intently.

Well, fuck. Let’s make more poor decisions! He thinks.

Sighing, Shen Jiu runs a hand over his face. “I hated my life,” he says, and Yue Qingyuan’s face crumples. “So when I had that qi deviation…” This is going to sound terrible, he knows. “It felt like every single decision I’ve made in my life turned out to be the wrong thing. Even when I tried to do the right thing, people still hated me, or believed I tried to kill them. Even you,” he accuses, “Always think the very worst of me.” Shen Jiu shrugs, looking away. “So I started doing the opposite. Every single decision I’d do the exact opposite thing I usually would.”

He chances a peek at Yue Qingyuan. Wait, why does he look so pleased? Never mind, Shen Jiu has had enough of sharing and caring today.

He stands up, announces, “Thanking Zhangmen Shixiong for his wisdom, I will contact Liu Shidi this afternoon, I will leave first.” He’s not running away, Shen Jiu thinks, he is simply walking very fast.

He makes it back to Qing Jing without being pursued. He finds the little beast meditating quietly in the bamboo forest actually looking like a respectable disciple for once. Shen Jiu watches him silently for a few minutes.

For some reason without that tight lump in his chest all the time, he doesn’t feel as angry. The constant simmering fury just waiting for an excuse to blow has just…faded.

“Luo Binghe,” he calls and the boy jumps, nearly falling over.

“Shizun!” He greets with a smile, but quickly wipes away the expression.

“Yes.” Shen Jiu looks down at the boy for a long moment. “Come with me.”

The little beast follows with a rather subdued face. What’s the problem, brat?! Shen Jiu strides directly to the music pavilion which is where Ming Fan should be.

“Wait here,” he says to Binghe at the doorway and continues into the building.

He passes the juniors and goes straight to the more advanced guqin class. He stands in the doorway, arms crossed and glowering. “Ming Fan,” he snaps. “With me.”

Startled at the harsh address, Ming Fan rises. He makes a move to put away his instrument but Shen Jiu tells him, “Leave it and come with me.”

The smug expression falls away from the boy's face.

When they emerge from the pavilion and Ming Fan spies Luo Binghe waiting, Shen Jiu suddenly knows exactly what’s going to happen.

“Shizun, look! The little beast skipped class again this morning, do you want me to punish him?” Ming Fan says too eagerly.

It’s disheartening in a way, to know that he, Actual!Shizun, was responsible for making this boy the way he is. Another past bad decision comes home to roost.

Shen Jiu gives Luo Binghe an even look, mentally telling the kid not to panic. To Ming Fan he says, mildly, “Does Ming Fan have a guess as to why my little beast missed his morning lesson?”

Luo Binghe blinks.

Ming Fan glares at his shidi. “Because he’s lazy and tries to get out of his punishments. He’s stupid, so he doesn’t come to classes. He thinks he’s too good for Qing Jing peak.”

“I see.” Shen Jiu says in that same mild tone. “Both of you, follow me.” He motions to Luo Binghe to walk at his side, and Ming Fan falls into step on his other side. They cross the rainbow bridge to Bai Zhan.

Liu Shidi has a disciple stationed at the bridge. “You there,” Shen Jiu calls, “Is your peak lord in residence today?”

Startled to see the hated Qing Jing peak lord with two disciples on the warrior peak, the boy stammers, “Yes, Shen Shibo. Shizun is at the lower training fields overseeing sword practice.”

“Thanking Shizi,” Shen Jiu says. “We will go find him.” He strides away, his disciples trailing him like puppies.

Shen Jiu is unfortunately acquainted with the lower Bai Zhan training fields. He’s had his ass kicked there more times than he cares to remember. As they get closer, he hears various grunts and thuds. Probably, the kids are flinging themselves at Liu Shidi and he’s knocking them halfway across the peak.

Liu Qingge sees him immediately, and stops sparring. The disciple he’s fighting doesn’t have as quick reflexes and accidentally stabs Liu Qingge in the arm. Liu Shidi gives the kid an unimpressed look, and rolls his eyes. “Beat it,” he tells them, eying Shen Jiu warily.

Once the Bai Zhan kids have scattered, Liu Qingge wipes his forehead and says gruffly, “What do you want.”

“Liu Shidi,” Shen Jiu says, “I must beg a favor. I have a disciple who has overstepped his place and disappointed me greatly.” He ignores the way Ming Fan glares smugly at Luo Binghe. “I discussed the matter with Zhangmen Shixiong-” Shen Jiu watches Liu Qingge’s eyes widen. “And the sect leader suggested a two week trial period at Bai Zhan, since this disciple has ignored my wishes.”

Liu Qingge glares down at Luo Binghe and Ming Fan. A crease appears between his eyebrows. “...Yue Shixiong suggested it?” he asks skeptically.

Demurely, Shen Jiu lowers his eyes. “I was unsure how to proceed so naturally I sought guidance from my Shixiong.”

Crossing his arms over his chest, Liu Qingge says, “Fine. Which one.”

Ah, good, poor Liu Shidi has taken the bait! Shen Jiu smiles, bright and wide and watches Liu Qingge’s eyes dilate.

“Ming Fan,” he says crisply. “Go with Liu Shishu.”

Beside him, Luo Binghe stops breathing.

“Sh-Shizun?” Ming Fan asks, finally understanding. “What…what do you mean, what did I do?”

Tilting his head to the side, Shen Jiu looks at him with disdain. Ah. A normal expression, finally! “Somehow Luo Binghe here was given a false cultivation manual. As head disciple, it was your responsibility to take your shidi under your wing and teach him what he needs to know to be a productive member of the peak.” He takes a step closer to Ming Fan, now looming over the boy. “And instead of being a good shixiong, you gave Luo Shidi a cultivation manual that could have killed him.”

Shen Jiu turns his full attention to the Bai Zhan peak lord. “Thanking Shidi for his assistance with this matter. I am sure that Ming Fan will pay close attention to your lessons. If you are not satisfied with his behavior at the end of the two week trial period, I will await your recommendation if I should take him back or dismiss him from Cang Qiong sect altogether.”

“But Shizun…” Ming Fan actually looks devastated.

Good, Shen Jiu thinks. “Go with Liu Shishu.” Then to make an even pointier point, he lays a hand on Luo Binghe’s shoulder and pats the boy. To his credit, Luo Binghe manages not to flinch.

“I’ll return him in two weeks,” Liu Qingge says, clearly dismissing them.

Bowing, Shen Jiu says, “Thanking Shidi.”

He turns and walks away, Binghe at his heels.

“Are you all right?” Liu Qingge calls out.

Pausing, Shen Jiu says after a moment, “I’m getting there.”

Chapter Text

Life settles into something approaching normal, except it’s…better…than Shen Jiu’s usual normal. After a few days, he finds that he doesn’t have to work so hard to do the opposite thing. That actually thinking about what actions or words he wants to use is…helpful?

Yeah. He doesn’t quite believe it, either.

But the flow of his qi continues to get easier. Luo Binghe isn’t quite such an annoying little beast as he’d thought, though make no mistake, the kid is still annoying as fuck. Did Shen Jiu ask for the brat to start cooking him meals?! No!

He has to threaten to send the kid to Bai Zhan with Ming Fan to make him mostly stop. Idiot boy. At least his cultivation is improving, and Shen Jiu swears the brat has gotten taller every day.

At the next peak lord meeting Shen Jiu keeps waiting for Yue Qingyuan to give him up that he isn’t actually Amnesiac!Shizun. However, the sect leader surprised him and doesn’t mention it at all. Mu Qingfang catches him after the meeting which Shen Jiu submits to with as much grace as possible.

After the quick meridian check, Liu Qingge is waiting for a turn to chat. My gods. Is…is Shen Jiu popular now? What the fuck, talk about an unintended consequence, Shen Jiu thinks with no little amount of amusement, even if it’s at his own expense. Therefore when Liu Shidi prods him about the offer for tea, Shen Jiu hums an agreement and suggests the afternoon, two days hence.

He is definitely not expecting a still bleeding corpse on his front doorstep when he gets back to Qing Jing peak.

This must be payback, Shen Jiu thinks. Clearly Liu Qingge has figured out his little game and decided to get even with this stupid prank. Annoyed as fuck about the stench, not to mention the blood stains on his bamboo porch, Shen Jiu immolates the beast using a moderate amount of qi. He calls a disciple to get some buckets of water and rinse the blood off.

His little beast, naturally, volunteers for this duty. Quickly losing his will to deal with this shit, Shen Jiu leaves Luo Binghe to it, and goes inside to plot.

Why on earth would Liu Qingge dump a beast on his porch?! Since his first instinct is to fly over to Bai Zhan peak and scream at his Shidi, Shen Jiu considers his thoughtful response of Not Doing That opposite enough.

Once he’s had a cup of Mu Qingfang’s terrible tea, Shen Jiu feels less like murdering Liu Qingge, which he considers a success. He’s been doing so well lately on avoiding homicidal tendencies, he really doesn’t want to ruin his track record now. Still, he needs to find a way to fuck with that brute without causing too much mayhem. Liu Qingge can be a petty bitch just like Shen Jiu can, after all. Really it’s too bad they both made such a terrible first impression on each other, because in another world they might have even been friends.

If Shen Jiu did friends, that is.

Anyway, the rest of the day passes quickly. Shen Jiu looks over some work by his disciples and contents himself with using his brushes and ink instead of stringing them up in the woodshed. Their little downtrodden faces are nearly as good, and this way he doesn’t have to send them over to bother Mu Shidi.

Amnesiac!Shizun doesn’t seem to have the same desire to beat the shit out of stupid kids. He’s not sure that’s a plus. Well, he supposes. Time will tell.

He decides to sort through his painting supplies when an idea hits him. Oh, this will be good, he thinks gleefully.

He prepares his easel and paints.

And paints a truly lovely, but utterly indecent picture of Liu Qingge. Shen Jiu grins for most of the time he works on it, playing close attention to the sharp angles of Liu Shidi’s jawline, and perfectly straight nose.

When he finishes, Shen Jiu finds that what should have been a prank accidentally came out…kind of as a masterpiece? Fuck. he could actually sell this one down at the local markets and make a killing.

Liu Qingge would definitely want his head on a pike for the insult though. Once he found out about it, that is.

He stands back, arms crossed over his chest and looks at it critically.

How did he manage to capture this? Maybe Mu Shidi’s tea is influencing his memory.

In the painting, Liu Shidi is naked from the waist up, clad in only white pants that leave, well, very little to the imagination. He’s bringing Cheng Luan down in an angular strike and the frankly oversized sword has lovely gold sword glare. His other arm is extended and appears to be in motion, showing off the bunching of his muscles. The background behind him is a field full of flowers, which is supposed to represent the war god’s innocence. Unfortunately, it gives him an ethereal and otherworldly look which is a nice contrast to the fierce expression on his face.

It reminds him of something but he can’t quite remember what. Oh, well, probably not important, right?

Somehow, he’s managed to capture the essence of his stupid warrior shidi.

What a fuck up!

After Shen Jiu runs a hand over his face, he dries the paint with qi, and goes to lay on his bed.

“I don’t get it,” he says to the ceiling. “How in the fuck did I paint him so well?!”

Well. He has been on the receiving end of that look plenty of times. Maybe it’s not actually as bad as he thinks. That’s it, he decides. He needs a second opinion.

A sichen later the Sect Leader is staring at the painting, dumbfounded. He keeps taking these peeking glances at Shen Jiu, like he can’t see Yue Qingyuan side eyeing him.

“Ah, Shidi…” Yue Qingyuan trails off, gaze roaming the piece.

“It’s terrible, isn’t it? No, don’t try and spare my feelings-” Shen Jiu says.

“It’s beautiful,” Yue Qingyuan tells him, a lopsided smile on his face. “I just never truly realized how talented Qingqiu Shidi is.” He shifts, turning a little to face Shen Jiu. “Is this a …gift for Liu Shidi?

Damn. He really can’t bear to see Qi-ge give him a disappointed look. Shen Jiu takes a deep breath and lies through his teeth. “I have found a new appreciation for Liu Shidi, especially after the qi deviation and his willingness to help me out with my head disciple issue.” He considers the painting again. He tilts his head to the side for a moment. “He is very handsome, isn’t he?” That asshole, is how he finishes that thought, but keeps that part to himself.

Meanwhile. Yue Qingyuan is staring at him like he’s grown another head.

“What,” Shen Jiu demands irritably, not looking at Qi-ge’s stupid face.

“Nothing, nothing at all,” Yue Qingyuan smiles, patting Shen Jiu’s shoulder. “Shixiong is very proud of you, Shidi.”

“It’s not too much?” Shen Jiu presses.

“With a gift like that, I don’t see how he can refuse.” Yue Qingyuan tells him happily.

Why is the sect leader so happy about a painting? Whatever! Aside from that one moment of extreme weirdness, Shen Jiu has a nice visit with the sect leader. Which honestly is something that he never thought he would ever think.

The next morning his little beast brings him fresh congee for breakfast. This was the compromise Shen Jiu had insisted on. Luo BInghe could only bring him one meal a day, and Shen Jiu preferred that it was his snow white congee which was easy on his stomach and had the benefit of being unfairly delicious.

Anyway, the brat spies the uncovered painting and wanders over to look at it. Shen Jiu hears the sound of choking from the other room and calls, “You better not be dying on my floor, little beast. You know what happens to dead beasts around my house.”

“Shizun, this-- you painted Liu Shishu, like this, are you-” Luo Binghe can’t seem to string a sentence together.

Shen Jiu gets up from the table (his congee is getting cold!) and finds his disciple staring at the painting looking shell shocked. “What? Don’t you think it’s a good likeness?” He crosses his arms over his chest defensively.

“No, no, no, that’s not it!” Luo Binghe scrambles to correct. “I just meant…Wow.” He finishes with a much smaller voice. He adds hesitantly, “Does Shizun…like the look of Liu Shishu?”

“Name a more handsome man, I dare you,” Shen Jiu challenges the boy.

“I…see…” Binghe trails off, apparently at a loss for some reason. Then he gathers himself and says, “Shizun should enjoy breakfast.” And takes himself off without another word or even waiting for dismissal.

Brat.

Shen Jiu has nothing in particular planned for today (if anyone suggested he was nervous waiting for tomorrow’s tea date with Liu Qingge, he’d hang them) so he wanders around Qing Jing just checking on things. Amnesiac!Shizun takes more of an interest in daily life, after all.

Strangely, silences seem to precede him wherever he goes on the peak. Music pavilions, to art studios, to the bamboo forest. It’s as if people stop talking about him right before he arrives. Surely…that’s…a little paranoid? What could they have to gossip about!?

Actual!Shizun might have a fit at this treatment, so Shen Jiu retreats to his bamboo house. What’s the opposite of pouting, he wonders, because he is certainly not doing that!

He lays on his bed and looks up at the ceiling. This is one of his favorite activities now.

Eventually he is able to cultivate and the next thing he knows it’s morning.

When Luo Binghe brings breakfast, the boy seems unusually subdued. He presents Shen Jiu with flawless congee, but doesn’t even say a word.

“All right, what's wrong today?” Shen Jiu sighs. He takes a spoonful of food. Delicious!

“Answering Shizun, this disciple is fine.”

“Mn. Yes, you seem fine, Binghe. Out with it.”

Luo Binghe kneels at Shen Jiu’s side and looks up at him with teary eyes. This child really should have been an actor. He’s truly talented and crying on cue. “This disciple has only realized that…he was born too late, and wishes to be older.”

“Ah? And what do you want to do so badly?” Shen Jiu wonders out loud.

When no answer comes, Shen Jiu glances down. He frowns. “Little beast? Are you all right?”

The boy looks up at him with reddened eyes. So these were real tears then. Interesting. “I will be, Shizun.”

Shen Jiu pats him on the head twice and then tells him, “Out. Go study or something.” Watching the kid scram out of the house, Shen Jiu wonders if he’s not missing something. That was unusually somber for Binghe.

When Liu Shidi finally arrives, the first thing he says is, “Did you like it?”

Shen Jiu blinks. What is he talking about? Mindlessly, he stands back and allows Liu Shidi to enter the house.

“The beast I left for you the other day,” Liu Shidi continues.

“A very impressive kill,” Shen Jiu agrees, figuring that’s pretty noncommittal.

But Liu Qingge just brightens, and then actually smiles.

That’s…that’s not fair! He has to prepare if Liu Qingge is going to give him a look like that. Shen Jiu grips his fan so hard the spines creak. He clears his throat and indicates that Shidi should sit.

“That’s good, then.” Liu Shidi says, eyes warm.

What.

What is happening?

The beast was a…a gift? Not a prank? “I will return momentarily-I …forgot to prepare the tea,” he confesses, walking to the kitchen mostly for a chance to catch his breath.

While he’s filling the teapot he hears Liu Shidi get up and wander around, looking at his wall hangings and such. Too late, he realizes-

“What is thi—” Liu Qingge’s voice just cuts off.

Shen Jiu closes his eyes. He forgot to cover the easel.

Loud footsteps signal Liu Qingge’s approach and Shen Jiu stiffens defensively waiting for the incoming attack.

As expected, Liu Qingge grabs Shen Jiu by his upper arms.

Here it comes, Shen Jiu thinks, expecting to get tossed through the wall of his house.

Heart racing, Shen Jiu looks into Liu Qingge’s eyes. Liu Qingge is staring intensely at him. Biting his lip, Shen Jiu closes his eyes. “Just do it,” he mutters. “Quit dragging it out. You know you want-mnph!”

Shen Jiu finds that his mouth is very suddenly occupied and unable to make words. It’s fine! He can’t really think either, not with the way that Liu Qingge is pressing their lips together.

When his shidi finally draws back, Liu Qingge says breathlessly, “I accept!” His face is open, and happy.

Shen Jiu’s lips part. First he gets surprise smiles and now this look?! “I’m..glad…”
Apparently that is enough to net him an actual hug to go along with more kissing.

Oh, that’s…that’s really….nice.

Shen Jiu has never been hugged by an adult man, all right?! How was he supposed to know it felt like this? Slowly, he brings his arms up and closes them around Liu Qingge’s back. He turns his head, pressing his cheek into Liu Qingge’s shoulder. “...so you liked it then?”

“It’s incredible…my mother will refuse to give you any peace until you paint one for her too.” Liu Qingge murmurs into Shen Jiu’s hair.

This…really…is not how he was expecting today to go!

For one thing, apparently Shen Jiu is now allowed to run his hands all over Liu Shidi’s shoulders, and back. And cheeks, and lips, and neck…

By the time Liu Shidi leaves the bamboo house it’s late afternoon. Somehow -Like Shen Jiu had nothing to do with it, right? Like he wasn’t pulling Qingge into the other room so they could lay down together talking and…also not talking.

Okay, if he’s honest, most of the time was spent making out and grinning at each other like idiots.

From what Shen Jiu can infer, the dead beast was a courting gift? And Liu Shidi took the painting as a return gift, thus sealing their engagement!

Qi ge tells him later that upon leaving Shen Jiu yesterday he flew immediately to Liu Qingge to congratulate his on his successful efforts. Apparently the sect leader had at some point run into his little beast of a disciple who told the sect leader alllll about how handsome Shizun thinks Liu Shishu is.

Betrayed! He’s been betrayed!

Well, Shen Jiu thinks, running his fingertips across his lower lip, still a little swollen from an afternoon of making out like disciples.

He should probably tell Liu Shidi that he never lost his memories.

He should.

Shrugging, Shen Jiu figures it’s probably fine to let it lie. After all, he’s not exactly known for making good decisions, is he?

The day before their wedding, impulsively Shen Jiu sneaks over to Bai Zhan peak. Liu Qingge greets him with a kiss on the cheek and arm around his waist. He leans into Liu Qingge for a long time. After a while he says into Qingge’s shoulder, “I have to tell you something.”

“Save it.” Liu Qingge says, resting his chin on Shen Jiu’s head.

“It’s important-” Shen Jiu protests.

Liu Qingge says, “It’s not.”

“I never really lost my memories,” he says, words muffled by Liu Qingge’s robes. “I was sick of everyone hating me, and I wanted to start fresh. Especially… especially with you.”

The arms around his waist tighten. “I know.” Liu Qingge says simply. “But even if I didn’t, I still wouldn’t care.”

Shen Jiu feels like his body goes completely limp. Liu Qingge scoops him up and carries him to the bedroom. He deposits Shen Jiu on the bed, and then perches on the bedside.

“How did you know?” Shen Jiu says finally, peeking up at his betrothed.

To his surprise, Liu Qingge snorts. “You’re going to get angry.” He warns.

“Okay…” Shen Jiu says warily. “I still want to know, though.”

Liu Qingge smiles, bright and wide. He leans down and kisses the tip of Shen Jiu’s nose. “Yue Qingyuan told me.”

“That asshole!” Shen Jiu cries.

Nodding, Liu Qingge adds, “He was so delighted that you sought him out to find out what to do about your disciple. I wasn’t sure if you were really telling the truth about asking Zhangmen Shixiong, so I flew over there the next day. I actually…I thought that if you made up with Yue Shixiong, that you must be serious about making up with me as well.” He looks down, and then chuckles a little. “The other thing is that I knew when I saw that painting. I didn’t know you didn’t remember the mission we went on when we were disciples, but you actually had a qi deviation right afterwards.”

Slowly Shen Jiu shakes his head. “No, I don’t remember that at all.”

“Mu Shidi sent us out to look for rare herbs, and we had to cross a meadow filled with aphrodisiac plants. You told me to wait, but…”

“You just charged right ahead, didn’t you?” Shen Jiu demands, with a glare.

Laughing, Liu Qingge continues, “I was stomping across this meadow, not paying any attention to you at all, and then you flew over me to the other side. You kicked up a bunch of dust, and that stirred up some Stinging Nettle Bees. They swarmed me and some of them got in my robes, so I ripped my robes off and was trying to kill tiny bees with Cheng Luan.” His gray eyes are warm, and Liu Qingge lays a hand on Shen Jiu’s cheek. “My silly shixiong laughed himself into a qi deviation. Mu Shidi was so angry.”

“So that painting I made…”

“Right before you deviated you told me you’d paint that someday and sell it on the open market and see how much the naked war god sold for.” Liu Qingge says. “It’s probably worth more now, anyway,” he adds, enjoying this way too much.

Liu Qingge slips into the bed next to Shen Jiu. “It’s nice that you told me the truth though.”

“It’s not…” Shen Jiu frowns. “I don’t know what the right thing is to do, most of the time,” he warns.

“You’re trying though.” Liu Qingge states this as a fact.

Shen Jiu raises himself on his elbow, just meeting Liu Qingge’s eyes. He smiles. “I suppose I am.”

Goodbye Amnesiac!Shizun. It’s been nice knowing you!

Actual!Shizun is ready to take the reins again, god help us.

Shen Jiu is going to make one last bad decision and not worry about the future. He’s pretty sure, things will be okay.

(And they are.)