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The sun was slowly setting and you were making your way towards McDonald's, your mind yearning for the touch and feel of a McDonald's Hamburger Product. You clutched your stolen $300 Gucci handbag, in fear of dropping it in the sewer openings again. You wouldn't risk that happening, not after the summer of 2003 in which you did drop your other stolen $700 Gucci handbag in the sewers. Sighing regretfully as you recalled the tragic memory, you were now outside the McDonald's.
As your hand reached for the door, you heard a strange scuttling noise nearby. It sounded like that of a strange bug, or an alien creature perhaps. The first time, you ignored it. You got closer to the McDonald's and there it was again. You tried to make out where it was coming from, and walked towards the nearby dumpster.
Curiously, you looked around for any rats or overgrown centipedes. None to be found... but the noise was clearly coming from INSIDE the dumpster. You set your stolen $300 Gucci handbag on the ground, and slowly opened the lid...
Something lunged at your face immediately. Panicking, you attempted to pry it off, but it latched on like one of those headcrabs from the Half Life Series(TM). You fell back, and the smaller being flew off of your face. Luckily, you were unharmed, as you could tell from nothing hurting except your head from the fall.
You opened your eyes and made direct eye contact with.. a small man..? He seemed to be about a foot tall, donning pink and yellow tinted glasses, a large, beautiful pointed nose, little feets, and a gay hairstyle. He had a permanent smile on his face that sent flutters through your heart. You blinked at him, trying to tell if he was real or not.
"..Hi." you finally spoke to him.
"HEY EVERY!!" the little man said to you. There was nobody else around. You stared at him for a little bit.
"..Do you need anything?" you asked him.
"MY NAME IS SPAMTON G. SPAMTON!!" the creature said. He seemed to always be yelling, or that's just what he sounds like. Strangely, his voice was music to your ears.. "NOBODY HAS OPENED MY [Garbage $#!% House] IN QUITE SOME TIME, LITTLE SPONGE!!!" He then proceeded to hop back into the dumpster, and pull out a variety of items and products. He jumped back out, showing you various items.
"..I'm Y/N." you responded. "What are those items you got there?"
"NOW, Y/N, I HAVE SOME [Vairous Deals & Goods] YOU MAY LIKE!" Spamton said to you, pulling out a piece of shit broken Nintendo DS device. "THIS HEAR IS A [Foldable Video Game Device(TM) est2004]!!!!! AND FOR YOU, LITTLE SPONGE... IT'S ONLY 3 KROMER!!"
"Uhh, I already have one of those. At home." you said to him. "And mine's not broken."
"ARE YOU SURE? THIS ONE HAS [[Hamsterz Life 2006]] ON IT!" the small man tried to convince you. You shook your head.
"Uh, no.. You got anything else?"
"OF COURSE I DO, YOU [Funky Little Worm]!!!" Spamton pulled out a shit-stained Webkinz plush of a.. What the fuck even was that? It looked like a cat but crusty. And it had one mouse ear, and instead of paws it had pig feet. "BEHOLD! THIS HErE IS A [Funny Furry Best Friend Beautiful Newborn Baby Plush]!!! AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW, IT IS ALREADY [Pre-Milked]!!! WHAT DO YOU SAY!!"
You thought you smelled curdled milk as you looked at the plush. "Uhh... Not that one. Sorry."
"GREAT, BECAUSE I HAVE MORE [Products & Items] FOR YOU TO ENJOAY!!!" Spamton pulled out the next item. It was just a piece of cabbage. It looked kind of old.
"..No. Don't want it." you said. You felt kind of bad denying his specil offers, for some reason.. Maybe the next product would be good?
"I HAVE ONLY ONE [Insert Cash To Complete Transaction] LEFT FOR YOU, LITTLE SPONGE!!" Spamton said, pulling out the fourth and final item... A singular roll of 1-ply toilet paper. It appeared to have his face crudely drawn on in crayon. "THE OFFICIAL [Spamton G. Spamton Officially Licensed 1-ply Toilet Papeur]!!!! AND IT CAN BE YOURS.. FOR JUST 1997 KROMER!!! HURRY BEFORE IT'S GONE!!"
You took a good look at the product, and grabbed your stolen $300 Gucci handbag to the side of the dumpster, digging through to find your wallet. You pulled it out, failing to notice the bite taken out of it and pulled out a surplus of money, handing it to the small man. You didn't know what kromer was, but surely this would do, right?
"GREAT!!! THANK YOU FOR [[Request Accepted]], Y/N!!!" Spamton yelled, shoving the stack of money into his mouth and swallowing it whole with ease. "HERE IS YOUR [[Hyperlink Blocked]]!!" He threw the roll of toilet paper directly at you, and you caught it in your $300 stolen Gucci handbag.
Something possessed you to buy that, you thought. 1-ply toilet paper isn't even fucking good. But.. something about his allure.. His beautiful pointed nose.. His greasy gay haircut... His short stature which you found oh so cute..
"Do you.. wanna go to McDonald's with me, Spamton?" you asked politely, batting your eyelashes at the little man. His permanent smile did not disappear. He accepted your offer.
"OF COURSE I DO, LITTLE SPONGE!" he exclaimed. "PUT ME IN YOUR [Stolen 300 Kromer Gucci(TM) Purse Handbag Carrier] QUICK!!" You scooped him up in your arms, gently placing him in your handbag and he sat in it like a little puppy.
You got up, grabbed your bag, now holding a live Spamton, and made your way back to the McDonald's. As you walked inside, you felt eyes on you. You couldn't figure out why...
You sat down at a table, taking Spamton out of the handbag and holding him on your lap. He was so cute like this.. The way the atmosphere of the McDonald's establishment complimented the immense amount of grease in his hair... His constant, permanent smile... His little feets... You couldn't help but slowly fall in love with the strange little salesman... The way he spoke like a strange Youtube Poop or perhaps a commercial you saw on the TV while watching your favorite show, George Lopez (The Show) at three in the morning...
You were distracted by Spamton's charms until the waiter came up to your table. She looked oddly familiar...
"Hi, I'm Reimu Hakurei and I'll be your server today." the woman said. Oh. That's why she was familiar. "Welcome to McDonald's, home of the Whopper, what can I get you two?" She seemed very tired...
"What do you want, Spammy Baby?" You asked him.. without thinking, you already gave a pet name to him. You hoped he didn't notice or care, but considering his demeanor... He was already calling you little sponge, you were sure it'd be alright.
"OHH THERE ARE SO MANY [Options & Chouices] To CHOOSE FROM AT THIS HERE [Mc Donald Establishmente]!!!! HOW COULD I POSSIBLY CHOOSE....." he said.
"...He's asking what you'd suggest." you said to Reimu, the waiter.
"Hmm.. I think he'd appreciate the McChicken(TM)." Reimu said. You and Spamton both ordered the McChicken(TM) and she walked away, leaving the two of you alone for a while.
You were again entranced by the beauty of Spamton G. Spamton... You swore the more you watched him, and were with him, the more you fell in love... How could it be? You've only known him for twenty minutes. Maybe he was truly the one for you... After the fifty divorces you've went through (All of which ended in you taking a grenade launcher and murdering all your ex-spouses) you finally found the one, and it was him.. This small little man... You could feel your heart rate grow faster as you thought about him.. It started to hurt.
"Spamton, I.." Just as you were about to confess your true feelings of a romantic nature to the man, Reimu Hakurei came back with your meals, handing a sopping wet brown bag full of McChickens to you.
"Enjoy your meals. Bye." Reimu left without even asking you to pay. ...You took the opportunity. You stole the McChickens. You ran back home with Spamton, who was encouraging you the entire time...
You and Spamton consumed your McChickens. Just watching him peck at his sandwich like a bird was beautiful to you...
"Spamton, about earlier.." you began. "I wanted to tell you something."
"Y/N!! YOU LITTLE SPONGE, GO ON!!! SPILL THE [Bush's Baked Beans Slow cooked with our signature spices, Bush's® Baked Beans are perfect for any meal. Try one of our 13 bean recipes including Original and Vegetarian]!!" he said. You exhaled a bit.
"Spamton... I've fallen deeply, terribly in love with you already..." you stammered, fiddling with the strings on your Gamer Hoodie(TM). "I know we've not known each other long... but your vibes, your aura just... Something hit me, and.. I believe we're just...."
"Y/N!!! I FEEL THE Same Way..." Spamton began to blush.. it was so cute... "Y/N.. YOU MAKE ME FEEL [[TWICE - Feel Specil Nightcore 12 Hours]]!!"
Your heart began to race, but not with anxiety.. with love. You were so relieved he felt the same way... You picked up Spamton, cradling him gently in your arms, and gave him a little kiss on his greasy forehead. "T..Thank you, Spammy.. I love you."
~~
THE END
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