Chapter Text
Tyler studied himself in the mirror. Eyes, mouth, nose, back to eyes; rinse and repeat. As he dragged his index finger vertically down his cheek, it seemed all he could think about was how dull the week had been. Opaque, dull, colorless; there was nothing even remotely worth mentioning. Come to think of it, the entire month along with it.
Just get through today, he thought to himself.
Just get through today, he’s told himself every day this week.
Maybe he could attribute it to the changing season. Or maybe the influx of unfinished projects piling on to themselves. Whatever the case might be, all he knew was the hours were beginning to feel like minutes, and if there was anything he hated, it was losing time.
“Hey, so… were we still gonna work on stuff?”
Josh leaned against the open bathroom door, peering into what felt like Tyler’s soul.
“We’re not,” Tyler mumbled.
“We’re not?” Josh repeated.
“Well, maybe. I don’t know,” Tyler said, frustratedly, shaking his head. Josh seemed to catch on to this as he stood back upright.
“If you don’t want to work on music-”
“No, no, I do,” Tyler interjected, rubbing his eyes. “That’s the problem.”
Josh frowned. Tyler knew he pitied him; they had at least a dozen unsuccessful rehearsals this month alone- not counting the times they had planned to meet up, then didn’t. Nothing of which was Josh’s fault, which in its own sense made things harder, considering now there was nobody to share the blame.
“Tyler, you can’t keep trying to force these new ideas. You’re driving yourself up a wall.”
Tyler followed Josh back to the living room, throwing himself onto the couch with a sigh. He wished he could sink into the cushions and disappear.
“Well obviously just waiting around for them to come isn’t helping too much either,” he mumbled, looking down at his hands.
You’re being dramatic.
He knew what Josh was thinking. That his mind was reeling every second, being filled and drained constantly with song ideas, melodies, anything and everything, but nothing seemed to stick.
Maybe that was true once. But not anymore. For the first time in Tyler’s life, there was nothing. His own personal hell, so to speak; one that kept him locked in his studio for hours upon hours, pacing the floors like a caged animal.
An uninspired, unmotivated animal.
“You know,” Josh said. “We can hang out without trying to work on music.”
Tyler dropped his shoulders, which caused Josh to backtrack.
“Not that I don’t like it,” He said quickly. “I just feel like you’re using it as an excuse to do something; plus we can always just switch to music making if we happen to be inspired.”
Tyler mindlessly picked at his nails, eyebrows raised in a blank expression.
“It’s just killing me, you know?”
It was.
…
“Come on, come on!”
Smolder, fizzle, caput.
“Damn it!”
Clancy chucked the flint and steel angrily to the ground as he was once again enveloped in darkness.
He spent the rest of his time wishing for nothing more than an ounce of warmth to thaw his ailing body. The icy, unrelenting rain had felt like needles on his exposed back, torn and ragged from the trek across the drowning land. It served as perfect conditions to stumble and fall, at some points even just lying there, wondering what the hell he was doing.
And though he had managed to seek refuge in nearby cave systems, he had yet to light a fire.
Clancy sat back, sighing heavily as he rested his gaze on the cold pile of ashes. People had been here before; there was no doubt about it. The cold fire and the frantic, nonsensical etches along the cave walls served as a grim reminder that there had once been life. Even just for a short while. People who no doubt had either died or returned to Dema. He shuddered, breaking himself from his musings.
“God, why am I even here?” He murmured, loosely tracing his stick through the ash.
Why he was in Trench, why he had even left the banditos in the first place. It made no sense, not even to him as he retraced the night's events.
He had slipped away, a perfect escape in the middle of the night while the rest were asleep. Looking back, he wasn’t sure why he had done it. As if a voice inside him beckoned to leave, to venture out alone where he knew he wouldn’t hold anyone back. He knew they cared for him- and that’s the part that bothered him most. They cared, they helped, and they received nothing in return. He had nothing to give to them. But despite these things, he missed them more than anything.
Which, in its own funny way, made Clancy feel like he deserved the isolation even more.
…
Two Missed Calls.
One New Voicemail.
“Hey, hadn’t heard from you today. Just wanted to make sure everything was alright. I’m always here if you need me.”
There was a pause.
“If you don’t get back with me by tonight I’m gonna swing in. Alright, love ya man.”
Click!
Tyler stared absently at the phone in front of him, trying to work up the will to call his friend back. He knew if Josh was calling, he was serious, considering how much he despises phone conversations. But it felt like his body was filled with pounds upon pounds of wet cement, weighing down on his bones to the point it felt like he was paralyzed. He hated making him worry, making anyone worry, but he also hated wasting people’s time.
Tyler pulled his knees to his chest. It felt like no matter what he did, he was unsatisfied with himself to some extent. If Josh were there, he felt like he was wasting his time. If Josh wasn’t there, he was worrying him by ignoring his calls.
And sure, he could lie, say he’s fine and that he didn’t need anything. But he knew Josh would see right through it. He tried it more times than he could count. It hurt Josh just the same to be lied to.
The phone buzzed again.
Please answer.
He felt a pang in his chest. You’re hurting him. You’re hurting your best friend, and all you can do is feel sorry for yourself?
He watched as the screen on the phone went black once again.
Pathetic.
…
“What do you mean he’s gone?”
Torchbearer had woken with a start as a small group of banditos gathered in front of his tent. The news had reached them early in the morning, hours after Clancy had left. As the sun rose behind them, it cast a deceptively warm glow onto the cold, barren landscape.
“We’ve scoured the whole camp and found nothing,” one bandito said, shaking their head. “Not even a note.”
He began to feel the gravity of the situation as it crashed down around him. Why would Clancy leave? Had he been captured? He stood, his head reeling.
“We need to look for him.”
“What if he left for a reason?” Someone suggested. “Maybe there’s something he knows that we don’t?”
Torch frowned, turning to overlook Trench. Already, he could feel his eyes darting across the landscape, searching for even a minuscule clue as to where Clancy might be. He knew Clancy wouldn’t return to Dema willingly. Even if he had been captured, they would’ve seen some sign of struggle. If there was anything he knew about his friend, it was that he never goes quietly. If he had known something important, there’s no reason he would’ve kept it to himself.
“How long has it been since he left?”
“We noticed he was gone around daybreak, so maybe six to seven hours maximum.”
“And how far can one get in that time frame?”
The bandito cast his eyes to the ground in thought.
“The whole other side of Trench, maybe. But I guess that depends which direction he went.”
Torch stood, gathering himself.
“Then we head out now. Take the morning to gather your things, then we head west."
“West?” A bandito said. “But where we are, west leads right back toward...”
There was a murmur among the group. Torch sighed.
“I know. But nobody can be left behind.”
As the group packed their things, it was obvious to him that they had reservations about the plan. Though everyone agreed they wanted Clancy back, it was the first time the group had gone anywhere that wasn’t away from Dema, much less toward it.
Hell, it terrified him too.
“I don’t know how I feel about this,” he overheard someone say. A group of banditos huddled around the fire, unaware of Torch’s proximity.
“Don’t you think it seems… rash? I mean, how do we know that’s where he went?”
“Yeah, but I mean this is one of our own we’re talking about. Plus Clancy is a big source of hope for those still in Dema, if word gets out he’s gone, who knows what will happen.”
“Agreed, we need to do something.”
Another bandito chimed in, voice hushed.
“Do you think Torchbearer is still fit to lead, though? I know they were close.”
Torch, lost in the conversation, hadn’t even noticed as a bandito, Jen, came up behind him, putting a hand on his shoulder.
“Don’t worry about them,” she smiled. “We’re behind you.”
Torch frowned.
“If they can just trust me-”
“-They do. They’re just afraid.”
Torch looked solemnly back out to the campfire and noticed that the group had already dispersed.
“Do you think he’s afraid too?”
He looked to Jen, watching as her smile faded away.
“We’ll get him back.”
…
Josh’s eyes followed helplessly as Tyler paced the room, his footsteps echoing frantically off the walls of the silent studio. Despite his protest, Tyler had insisted they at least spend some time pitching ideas- something they rarely ever did.
As Josh liked to describe it, he was more the catcher than the pitcher.
Granted, it wasn’t like he minded listening to Tyler work, especially now considering how little he’s been able to see him. It was nice to at least be around, even if he wasn’t really doing much.
“I don’t know, what do you think?” Tyler asked suddenly, breaking Josh out of his thoughts.
“Oh, uh yeah that sounds good to me.”
“So you agree, we should quit music and just resort to selling custom mugs?”
Josh blinked, realizing he actually had no idea what Tyler had said.
“Oh,” Josh said, smiling nervously.
Tyler put a hand to his face, growing even more distressed. Josh could tell he was trying his best to mask it, dramatic groans, uncertain laughter. Tyler liked to add flourish to things when he wasn’t sure what else to do.
To be fair, neither of them dealt with stress very well. Josh had a bad habit of smiling and laughing when he was uncomfortable, which had always gotten him into less-than-ideal situations. It was only until he could go home that he would wail on his drums to release some of the energy before it turned into a full-blown panic attack.
Which hadn’t happened for quite some time, though he wouldn’t want to jinx it.
Tyler sat back down in his chair with a huff, absentmindedly nibbling on his thumb in thought.
“Maybe this is it,” he said quietly. His dejected stare returned.
“What do you mean?”
“Maybe this is it,” he repeated. “I’ve put out everything I had left and it’ll just be downhill from here.”
It had been almost a year since they had put out Vessel, and though Tyler had music prepared, it wasn’t enough for a whole album.
“I don’t think that’s true,” Josh said calmly. “It’s just a bump in the road, nothing you can’t get past.”
Tyler looked up, and Josh noticed there were tears in his eyes.
“I just feel like I’m losing my mind.”
As Tyler’s voice broke, Josh could feel his chest twist and turn into knots. The year hadn’t been easy for Tyler- the past few years, actually. He had always struggled to an extent, at least for as long as he had known him. But some episodes were worse than others, this being one of them.
“Ty…” he whispered, standing.
“I’m sorry,” Tyler said, wiping his eyes with his palms. “I shouldn’t be making this your problem.”
“Hey,” Josh said softly, putting a hand on the front of Tyler’s shoulder.
Tyler closed his eyes, leaning forward until the very top of his head pressed into Josh’s chest.
“Whatever it is, we’ll get through it,” Josh reassured him. “We always do.”
Tyler was quiet now, the only noise being an occasional quiet sob.
It always hurt to see Tyler like this, falling apart at the seams over something that was out of his control. Sometimes he wished he could take the pain from him. Even just for a day, so he could finally get a good night's rest.
Josh reached out, ruffling Tyler’s hair, eliciting a small chuckle from the other.
“I don’t know if anyone has ever told you this…”
Tyler looked up through heavy eyelashes, a tear still lingering on his cheek.
“But… you cry when you're beautiful.”
Tyler burst into laughter, garnering a chuckle from Josh as well.
“You’re so lame,” Tyler laughed, shaking his head as he wiped his eyes again.
Though Josh knew it wouldn’t last forever, it was at least some comfort for the time being.