Chapter Text
You can’t understand how you two got to this point. Levi picks your son, Eren, and he stays at his house the weekends. It’s a new routine.
You see Levi once a week, when he picks up Eren. You watch from the front door as he and Eren walk to his car, your son talking excitedly with his dad. It’s weird having an empty side of the bed, an empty chair at the table. An empty heart.
You are not divorced (yet) but it’s in process and Levi doesn’t live with you anymore. Everyone around you was shocked about the news of you two getting divorced. Your family was devastated and you know his was too. Telling your parents that you are getting divorced to the man you thought was the love of your life was extremely hard, but nothing compares to telling your son that daddy is not going to be around as much as before.
Your kid was destroyed, obviously. Your soon yo be ex husband and you sat with him on the couch, telling him mommy and daddy can’t be together anymore and watching his little face crumble at those words was the worst pain you’ve ever felt.
Levi tried to calm him down, reassuring him that he will always love him and be there for him, and that they’re still going to do things together like always. You watch as he fights the tears and tries to hug his son but it’s fruitless as Eren yells at you that he hates you both and runs to his room, shutting the door with all the force he can.
Nothing could ever hurt like this, you think.
Eren just said he hates you.
Finally the tears run freely down your cheeks and you can hear Levi stifle a sob.
You stare at the back of his head, tears blurring your vision.
After Levi leaves, you finally brake to the ground, loud sob’s emitting from your throat. You don’t know what to do anymore, it feels like everything is crumbling down and you only want a hug, a kiss on the forehead, something that can soothe the burn in your heart, anything.
But you can’t think of yourself right know, your son needs you, so you dry the tears on your cheeks and breathe deeply.
The walk up the stairs feels wobbly, like you’re dizzy or high, you can’t think straight.
When you reach your son’s room with the “E R E N” sign hanging on the door, you breathe one more time, drying your eyes and nose one last time with your sleeve before you open the door carefully.
The sight before you brakes your heart into pieces.
Eren’s sleeping on the floor instead of his bed, the floor keeping him warm and there’s a wet spot on the carpet that makes your eyes sting.
You carefully step into the room, glancing at all the toys scattered on the floor, careful not to step on any. With tiredness running through your body, you bend down and pick your five year old into your arms, hand cupping the back of his head tenderly.
He moves slightly in his sleep and you can see the red rim around his eyes. God, you feel so guilty.
Quietly you tuck him to bed, giving him a kiss on the forehead and a caress to his little nose. You observe his face and try not to cry when seeing your husbands features. His nose, his lips and bone structure. Eren, a product of your love, a blessing to your life.
You try not to think of what Eren yelled at you earlier, you try to convince yourself he didn’t mean it.
Goodnight, Eren. I’m sorry.
“You need to eat.” You tell your son for the fifth time this morning. He stays quiet, you don’t want to pressure him into talk, you tried but it was fruitless. But you want him to eat. “Please, Eren.” You plead again, he just looks at you with a frown, as if he was extremely angry at you and it makes you heart hurt.
“This is all your fault!” He yells and the hatred behind it makes you flinch. “Dad left because of you!” You heart breaks and your son stands up, angry expression on his face.
Your eyes sting and for the first time in years you don’t know how to respond. Was it your fault? Did your marriage failed because of you? You know it wasn’t only you who failed, but the insecurity is sitting at the back of your brain. You swallow the lump in your throat and stand up, Eren is upstairs already. You know if it weren’t for what he said you’d already scolded him, but what he said caught you off guard.
“Fucking!” You try to let it out but your kid is upstairs, you won’t swear right know.
Just as you start to spiral your phone rings and you heart stops when you see the screen light up.
Levi A. Incoming Call.
Shit. What does he want? Is he regretting everything? He hasn’t call you since you both agreed to end things, only a few messages discussing about Eren.
Shit.
With shaky hands you pick up the call and you’re meet with a deep, rough voice.
“Hey.” He says, it’s short and cold, as always. It feels wrong.
“What do you want?” You try to keep it short, trying your best not to sound too mean, he’s the father of your child nowadays.
“I just wanted to tell you that Eren is staying with me this weekend.” Right, it’s about that.
“You got a place already?” You want to know, as far as you knew he was staying at a crappy hotel across town or something like that.
He exhales and responds. “Yeah, I’m signing today. Don’t worry, I got one with a spare room for him.” He says and you chew your bottom lip and try to keep to tears at bay. You can’t help but think about when you first got this house.
You were pregnant with Eren, so he wanted a bigger house where Eren could grow. You remember the soft look in his eyes as you wandered around the house with a bright smile on your face. The way he would hug you from behind in the kitchen while running his hands down your belly.
You think of how nothing of that lasted. Now he’s buying an apartment across the city.
“Okay, I’ll tell him.” You whisper. The two of you just stay in silence, neither of you hanging. You feel the tension, the burning ache and the tears clinging to your eyes. You can hear his choppy breathing and you know he’s nervous. You convince yourself that this is necessary, you two can’t be together, this is for the best.
But the silencie feels so loud… until he finally speaks.
“Okay.” He says quietly. “I’ll pick him up by Friday, around six.”
You’re about to respond, but the line is cut.
Nothing has ever hurt like this.
Eren stars spending all the weekends at Levi’s. He is distant to both of you and you can tell it affects him more and more by each passing day. You start receiving notes from the kindergarten teachers, saying that he’s been fighting other kids and throwing tantrums.
In a few months he’s turning six but he doesn’t seem so excited about his birthday party anymore because “it’s not the same.” You can’t help but feel guilty.
You try to understand when did your marriage started to fail. Levi and you loved each other so much, were so happy to have a family. You remember the times you spend cuddling in bed, tracing each others faces with your fingers, the nights makings love, the mornings kissing in the shower.
You remember the times watching cartoons with Eren sitting between the of you, looking at each other while your kid watched the TV. You try to understand why did that stopped.
Suddenly both of you stopped showing affection, breakfast was quiet if Eren wasn’t the one rambling about something. Your sex life was hanging by a thin line.
What happened?
Eren’s birthday comes and finally you see your husband. He’s wearing black pants and a tight black shirt. He’s got presents for Eren.
“Dad!” You hear Eren say as he runs to his dad with a wide smile and you try to hide yours behind your hand. “I thought you wouldn’t come” He says and Levi’s eyes dart to you for a moment. You watch his steely blue eyes asses you for a moment and suddenly you feel out of place.
“Wouldn’t miss it” He says and ruffles Eren’s hair, making the small boy giggle, trying to stop him from making his hair a mess.
The sound of kids running around fills your ears. You are currently at the kitchen, watching Eren guide his dad to a table at the yard, where all your friends are sitting.
Hange and Moblit are standing next to the food table, probably debating about some weird shit. The thought makes you laugh a little. At the table you can see Erwin greet Levi, who sits next to him after giving Eren a hug. You recline your arms on the counter, watching your son run around with Mikasa, Armin and all the kids. God, you love those kids so much.
But you can’t help to feel weird, the feeling that you’re the only one hurting. You watch Levi across the yard, sitting there, talking to people while he didn’t even said hello to you. You watch as the man who promised to always love you, ignores you and despite having a cold and uninterested expression, he doesn’t look sad by any means.
Are you the only one hurting?
“Don’t sweat it too much.” A voice startled you, making you jump a little. When you turn around you see Hange standing next to you with a can of soda on their hand.
“Fuck, you scared me.” You joke lightly after relaxing a bit. They smile but you can tell they’re not buying your happy facade.
“You know it’s normal to be mad, right?” They say calmly, small and understanding smile on their face.
You look aside.
“I know… I just don’t want to ruin Eren’s day. He’s been all gloomy since we told him the news, at least he’s having fun today.” You reply with a sad smile. Your priority is your kid, no one else.
“Ah, I understand. I meant that, if he pretends you don’t exist, he’s really stupid.” They say with a light laugh. “You are the mother of his child, that’s a bond he can’t never hide or break.” You know that’s true, but you wish that there was more than one reason for him to talk to you.
“I don’t know what went wrong.” You whisper, throat feeling tight. “I tried to make it work…” They stay silent, looking at you with sad eyes.
“Just give it time, think about it.” They say “The divorce, I mean.” And with that they leave, leaving you with your thoughts.
Think about it? As if you hadn’t.
As if you hadn’t.
You throw Levi one last look, watching as he laughs lightly at something Erwin said. How much you missed that smile. That rare smile.
“Eren! Come here, it’s time for the cake!” You call and suddenly a group of kids, yours included, is running full force to the big table with the chocolate cake. It’s a simple cake, Half chocolate Half vanilla.
“That looks so good.” Marco, a kid next door says with a bright smile. All the kids ooing at the cake. “Hurry up, Eren!”
“I’m coming, I’m coming.” Your son says grumplily. Sometimes he was such a brat like his dad.
Eren sits behind the cake, but his eyes focus on both you and Levi, who is standing close to you but not close enough. Eren’s face looks sad and the alarms on both of you ring.
“What’s wrong baby?” You try to ask, Levi getting closer but your son doesn’t utter a word, just looks down at his cake with a frown.
You try again but you’re met with a hand on your shoulder.
“Leave it like that.” You turn your head and see your husband looking at you with a bored expression. You’re frozen in place, he has his hands on you. He notices your lack of response and let’s go of you. It shouldn’t make you feel like this, just a simple touch. Both of you had touch each other in the most intimate ways, but for some reason it feels weird.
You almost forgot how his hands feel on you, his hand clasping all of your shoulder. How pathetic you, spiraling about a fleeting touch when you used to have it all.
“Alright! Let’s begin…” You can hear Hange interact with the kids, they knows how to lighten Eren and that works for you. Both you and Levi have your phones out, taking pictures and videos of Eren while you all sing “Happy Birthday” or pictures of him and his friends such as Mikasa, Armin, Connie, etc.
“Alright, family photo time!” Hange squeaks and you stiffened.
Are you still even a family?
But you play along despite feeling doubtful, because you love your son. Levi stands behind Eren, a hand placed on his shoulder while you stand on the other side. You can look sideways and see Levi staring at the camera with a small smile, that rare smile he keeps for his loved ones.
“Hey, eyes on the camera!” Hange says with a grin while pointing the camera at you. You smile bright and squish your cheek with Eren’s, earning a playful grunt from him. At least he’s not mad at you like before, when he wouldn’t even talk to you.
“Dad, get closer!” They say again, motioning with a hand for him to get closer. He does, he bends down slightly and presses his cheek against Eren’s. You can smell him from here. You can smell the familiar scent you used to wake up every morning, mint.
“There you go! You look adorable.” Hange says softly and you see Levi advert his eyes to the side, his mouth pressed closed.
“Can I see it?” You ask shyly, aware of the eyes of your friends watching you.
“Of course.” They move closer to you and pass the phone. Your eyes sting when you see it, how happy Eren looks having you both this close, the small smile on Levi’s face and the bright one on yours. You feel like crying because you know is a lie, the happy family act.
“Thank you.” You whisper, eyes glued to the screen.
“Sure.” They say softly, eyes assessing your face.
“Alright, I’ll start putting the presents inside.” You just want to excuse yourself but you don’t want it to be that obvious. You gave Eren a kiss before you left.
You walk to the big table placed by the door and start grabbing some of the presents. You look around, boxes and birthday bags tucked in your arms. You look for your son, just checking everything’s alright. You spot him sitting with Mikasa on a bench and you’re quick to notice the small blush on his ears.
You always knew he had a crush on her, he just doesn’t want to admit it. You smile fondly at the sight.
“He’s growing fast.” A deep voice says behind you. “Eren.” You turn around and there he stands. He looks handsome as always and his expression is neutral.
“I’ll help you.” He says, squaring his shoulders and grabbing some presents.
“Yeah, I can’t believe he’s six now.” You laugh lightly as you both walk inside the house. “Feels like yesterday when he was chewing at my hair.” At that he just grunts.
“Yeah.”
Yeah.
You both start placing the presents on the floor by the couch, when you’re done, Levi is just staring at you. Words try to come out of his mouth but you know he’s struggling.
“I wanted to tell you that the attorney called me yesterday.”
You just stare at him, fidgeting with your fingers.
“We need to sign the divorce next month.”
Divorce. Divorce Levi.
You feel your heart stop for a moment, rush of emotions going down your stomach.
He really wants the divorce.
You feel silly for even thinking you could have him back. You did everything you could.
“Alright. I’ll see you… next month.” You say with a tight smile, tears stinging behind your lids. You never thought your story would end like this, not when you experienced love the way you did with him. After everything, you’re sure you can’t ever love someone they way you loved him, not in the slightest.
He says your name and you snap out of your thoughts. Levi is staring at you with a hesitating look, which is weird coming from him, his usually stoic face looking troubled as he speaks.
“I want Eren’s custody.” He says with a firm look, his blue eyes never leaving yours and you can feel all the emotions filling your chest. The first one being confusion.
“What!?” You shout scandalized. You never even worried about Eren’s custody because you assumed he wouldn’t do anything about it, he knows Eren needs you and that he needs to stay with you. So why is Levi trying to separate you?
“I just want what’s best for him.” He says irritated, scowl forming on his face. You cross your arms and stare at him with a deep frown.
“The hell is that gonna be good for him. Being away from me?” You narrow your eyes and get closer to him. “I knew you couldn’t stand me anymore but this is too far.” You snarl at his face. He stays quiet before he frowns, confusion and anger showing on his face.
“What?” You are closer to him, inches apart his face and both of you have deep scowls on your face, but Levi seems genuinely confused.
“Don’t play dumb!” You tell again, tears falling down your face angrily. “You can’t stand me anymore! That’s why we’re getting the divorce but I’d be dead first if you take my kid away from me, Ackerman!” You shout with a red face, voice breaking and his breathing turns erratic, as if he’s having trouble controlling himself.
“I just want to stay close to him.” He tries to say but it comes out in a breathy voice. He looks at your face, red and teary and he adverts his gaze, eyes glued to the wall behind you.
“You don’t have to take him from me.” You whisper. “You can come and visit him like you always do.” You look at his face, his troubled expression and the way his brows are deeply furrowed, the way his lips are pressed in a thin line and his arms are crossed across his chest. “Why are you doing this?” You ask with a broken voice.
Why is he trying to separate you?
Why isn’t he fighting for you…?
Why did he stopped loving you?
You look at him, he looks at you.
He tried to keep his expression neutral but as soon as a sob shooks from your throat, his face crumbles and suddenly becomes filled with worry.
You sob hard, throat closing and eyes blurred with tears. You can’t do this no more, you want your life back, your heart, your family; your husband.
“Shit!” You hear him whisper shout. “Shit, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He says and you feel his cold hands hold your face, thumbs brushing away the tears. When your vision returns you can see the fear and worry on his face and that makes your heart feel tight inside your chest.
“We can talk about this later.” He says calmly as he wipes your face gently. “look, i-“
“Ah, there you are” Erwin’s voices cuts through the air and both of you go rigid, Levi’s hands pausing against your cheeks.
Erwin looks between the two of you with slightly widen eyes, concern itching on his face. “sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt but Eren is asking for you.” He says with a calm voice. Shit, Eren. Quickly you take a step back, Levi’s hands falling to his sides.
You look at Erwin with a soft smile and wipe the last of your tears with the back of your hand. “I’ll better get going.” You smile, sniffing a little. “Excuse me.” You walk past Erwin in a hurry without looking back at Levi.
When you get to the backyard you can see everyone sitting on the floor, playing games and laughing and the sight makes you feel a little better. You spot your child sitting on a chair next to a table, he’s watching his friends play around with a soft smile, his head resting on his little palm and his smile makes you feel warm.
You walk to the table and sit beside him.
“Where were you?” He asks without looking at you, eyes still trained on the group of people in front of you. You look at him and smile, this kid was something else, you wouldn’t believe he’s actually six if it weren’t for the amount of tantrum’s he throws.
“I was having a conversation with your dad.” You answer. This seems to catch his attention and he turns to you as if surprised.
“Are you gonna get back together!?” He ask with wide eyes. You wince.
“Um, no, that’s not it.” You say. “Just having an adult conversation, nothing you need to worry about.” You turn to him with a soft smile, but you can’t help but notice the sad look in his green eyes. “I’m sorry… I know this is difficult to you.” You say in a soft whisper. “But I want you to know that both me and your father love you so much, Eren. I love you more than anything, and so does your dad.” Your son looks at you with a neutral expression, as if he’s curious of what you are going to say.
“Nothing is never going to keep us apart baby, I promise you. “ You raise your pinky and his face breaks into a grin, his little pinky intertwining with yours.
“Okay.” He says as he looks at you with a smile.
You love Levi, hell you do.
But you won’t let him take your son away.