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It's been a few months since Kim dumped Chay if you can call it that, because as far as the curly boy knows nothing they did was ever real.
That was about as long as Chay needed to stop crying when he saw the pictures he'd taken when he was in that so-called relationship.
The friendship that Macau offered him, and the distraction that it brought with it helped the memory of Kim to be almost forgotten, Porschay could swear that he could almost smile when he saw things related to the Musician on the internet, not holding as much disdain as the first days after Kim left him.
Chay understood, that maybe they weren't meant to be.
One day in the early morning Chay is getting ready to go to bed, after a tiring day at the university where he had to help prepare a fundraising event, what he wanted more was to relax than the sounds of the pouring rain that fell outside immersed him in a state of relaxation. The sound was so calming.
When he heard the doorbell of his apartment ring, he got up from the bed where he was sitting and went to the door, but not before taking a baseball bat, being afraid that some kind of incident would happen like the one that happened when Kim was still his boyfriend and they were at his old house.
When he opened the door he met Kim's brown eyes. His hair fell into his beautiful brown eyes, leaving traces of the rain that was drenching him. His hair stuck to his forehead. His clothes clinging to his body from the water that had fallen on it.
When porschay seemed to get out of his trance when seeing his ex at the entrance of his apartment, Kim seemed to notice it, because he said "I just want to talk"
And Chay felt a range of emotions arise in his heart upon hearing those words he thought about refusing, he had nothing to talk to him about.
But then he remembered how it had felt not to have the opportunity to say everything he felt. The same opportunity that the man standing in front of him had denied him that tragic day that left him crying at the door of that stupid building where they had spent most of his afternoons, playing at being the perfect couple.
The tears in Kim's eyes, or maybe the stupid feeling that it could have happened if it had all been real, made it impossible for Chay to deny him the opportunity to speak.
Chay mentally prayed to the gods, the universe, or whatever mystical force that would make Kim not screw up his progress on the "Getting Over a Breakup" journal. All because he wasn't quite out of it yet, and of course, he wanted to stop loving with such force the person who was in front of him.
He was trying to get over everything he had lived with Kim, all the moments they had created, all the memories. But it was difficult, it was difficult to forget everything when he didn't know what was real and what wasn't, a feeling that led him to overthink things over and over again, never letting the wound heal.
Chay wanted Kim to stay in his memories, but he had shown up that day, only to ruin all the things he had achieved, he wanted to leave it in the past, get over the trauma of his first breakup, and the disappointment of his first love, but Kim didn't seem to want to let him do it. First with the thousands of messages that he sent him until the curly boy decided to block him. Then the video for that song that Kim had created to the tune of the song that Porschay wrote, that video had left him crying for days, but Kim had never shown up at his apartment door on a rainy night, like that night.
Kim was crying. Chay realized that the boy who was drenched in the rain in the middle of his kitchen was drunk. And that he was trying to play the victim as if he wasn't the one who had abandoned Porschay months ago.
Kim didn't listen when Porschay whispered a little "I wish that you would stay in my memories"
Kim had just gotten closer to him, not listening and not understanding Chay's feelings, kissing the curly-haired boy, while their tears got in the way of the kiss.
Chay couldn't say goodbye if Kim stayed all night at his apartment, and he couldn't finish something Kim tried to start over and over again.
Chay could swear the ending would always be the same, him crying in a room while Kim seemed unconcerned about his mere existence as she abandoned him.
So Chay didn't see a good reason to make himself believe that they could have hope again, the little moments in his memories wanting to argue against that argument, all the little kisses and hugs and smiles telling him maybe they could. If they gave themselves a new opportunity, they could achieve it, that maybe this new time everything would be better, but Chay didn't believe that.
Chay didn't want to be his friend, because Kim didn't make friends, Chay didn't want to be his lover, because that would only guarantee him heartbreak again, and he definitely didn't want to be the reason their hold back each other from falling in love with somebody else.
"I wish that you would stay in my memories," Chay thought for the second time that night.
But since Kim was in his kitchen so late at night, and all soaked, he figured he'd let him stay. Just long enough for him to pick up the last things Chay had of him in his apartment, his old guitar, the books he lend Chay, his favorite leather jacket that he gave Chay one night that they were on a supposed "date" because the curly boy was shivering from cold.
And the wonderful perfume that Chay had bought for Kim on her birthday, and that the older one had forgotten one of the many days they had spent at Chay's house. Chay only brought it to his apartment because the smell soothed him and at the same time made him want to never smell it again in his life.
And if Chay really thought about it, that perfume was all over his house, too many memories, on his clothes, on his things, on everything that belonged to him and it only made him feel an enormous sadness, almost as if he were dying.
With the presence of his first love there, Chay felt like he was barely surviving because everything that had ever made him happy made him feel so sad in the present.
Chay told himself " Breathe , breathe , and don't go after him." as he took a deep breath and thought for the last time as he watched Kim walk out of his apartment that he wished the boy would only stay in his memories.