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Betrayal ebbed through my veins, twin currents of hurt and pain along with it. It hurt to know she hid this from me… hurt to know I would never be enough. Not to myself, not to anyone. I will forever feel the pressure of the world, feeling myself buckle under the weight - creating a new me for everyone. Maybe then… I’ll be enough.
-
“Kid?” Plagg's rough voice greeted me from behind.
His footsteps echoed in the hall of the Agreste Mansion, bare feet padding across the floor. A couple months ago, Plagg had given me his Kwagatama on my 16th birthday. As it turned out, we had bonded. An unbreakable bond that no one could break between a human and kwami. A kwami only had very few chosen in their entire lifetime where the holder and kwami had utmost trust in each other and where the kwami even adopted human traits. Plagg could now transform into a human at will and switch back to a kwami whenever he pleased.
“Kid, what’s going on? I should’ve been able to remember what happened to this Akuma, but I can’t. I can see through your eyes now, but I have no recollection of what happened,” Plagg questioned.
I sighed and tossed him a chunk of camembert. “Eat your cheese.”
With abnormal reflexes, Plagg caught it, but merely inspected it. Then he chucked it at my head.
“Really? What now?” I responded, rather annoyed, hoping my true thoughts remained concealed.
“You’re not fooling anyone, kid. Something bad happened. Now, are you going to tell me or what?”
I stayed silent, pleading with the events from earlier to stop plaguing my mind. They rammed my skull like a truck, never letting me forget. Suddenly, a jerk pulled me back to the present.
“KID! You were about to walk out the open window!” Plagg cried, trying to cover the waver in his voice.
I knew he cared deep down. I cared for him too. He’s the only person who knows all of me. But this moment was one I had to keep for myself.
“It…. it doesn’t really matter,” I responded warily, expecting a bombardment of questions.
“Kid, of course it matters! You were just about to kill yourself! What. Happened.” Plagg’s bright green eyes flashed menacingly.
“I can’t tell you,” I responded.
Plagg surveyed my appearance. “You can and will tell me. Now!”
“No!” I cried, backing away onto my bed.
“Kid… You look a little older. I’m not imagining, am I? It’s the lack of Camembert getting to my head!”
“You did that to yourself! I gave it to you!”
Plagg sighed contently after eating the cheese that he threw before, “BURP! Yeah, no I’m not imagining. You look a little older. What happened? Is Ladybug finally making you age…?” He drawled, teasingly.
I hiccuped, holding back tears. I couldn’t tell him what happened. I couldn’t!
“Woah. Kid? Kid, I'm serious, what happened?”
“I… need to take my contacts out,” I choked out before shuffling away.
( https://i.pinimg.com/originals/70/aa/38/70aa38e01429781a28d338847b58aff2.jpg )
Plagg sighed in annoyance, “Fine. Then you come talk, right after. I mean it. Something is bothering you, making you cry and wanting to fall out of windows.” As I trudged to the bathroom, I heard Plagg mumbling. “Add to hit list along with Lila, Gabriel, Hawkbaby, and Felix … person/thing/whatever that made Adrien cry.”
I rolled my eyes. As I got my contacts out and slid my glasses on, I'd like to say that I was getting better. Instead, I burst into even more tears.
“Kid? You’re crying again…” Plagg said, turning back into a human after phasing through the door.
“Plagg! What if I was naked! Or using the bathroom?” I asked incredulously, swiping at my tears.
“Uh… I have to admit, I didn’t think of that.”
“Wow. I’m appalled by your intelligence Mr. ‘I'm as old as time’,” I said.
“Yeah, yeah. I’m still a god. Now, you’re going to tell me what happened.”
“There’s no getting out of this is there?”
“No. I need to kill- er… know who made you cry?”
“No killing anyone. But fine… If I can’t tell it to you, who can I tell?”
“Exactly! Now speak.”
“It started… technically a year ago.”
“WHAT?”
“Shut up! I’m trying to tell you what happened!’
“Right.”
“Okay. It started a year ago for me… technically yesterday for everyone else. There was an Akuma…”
--
LOCATION: Eiffel tower
“Hey, M’lady!” I cried happily, as I walked up to Ladybug.
“Hey, Chat! I just wanted to say… Thank you. It’s been a year since you’ve helped me be guardian. I also extremely appreciate how you helped me get all the miraculous back, except for the Peacock and Butterfly. I know they’re lost again because of me, but I’m sure we'll find them together. You and me against the world, yeah?” Ladybug said, earnestly.
“Of course. I-” I started, rudely cut off by a scream.
An Akuma had struck.
“The Sandboy just checked in… Now nightmares can begin.”
Suddenly a copy of me materialized - except for the fact that they were… completely white. I swiveled my head to face Ladybug who was screaming at the sight of the inverted color version of myself. My mind started to wander. ‘Was Ladybug afraid of me? Was-’
I stopped my thoughts, racing towards her. I extended my staff, blocking the other me from attacking her. I wondered why Ladybug stood still, pale and shaking. I swung a fist, only to have the other me catch it. He drop-kicked me, while I jumped back up to my feet. I swiped at his feet and he tripped, falling flat on the floor. I called my cataclysm. Suddenly, he grinned, manically, and backed up. I stood rather confused until I realized that he was backing up to a crying Ladybug, calling upon a cataclysm as well. An Akuma materialized and flew straight towards a ribbon in Ladybug’s hair.
“NO!” I screamed, in panic. “Ladybug, don’t listen to-”
As purple bubbles took over her figure, she pushed me off the side of the Eiffel tower, and my descent to the ground commenced.
—
“Yeah, I remember that fall kid...” Plagg said, clenching his fists until his knuckles went white. “I remember all of that, but what happened after? Did you figure out who the white cat is?”
“I did,” I growled.
“Sheesh, okay. You’re probably going to get to it anyway. Continue.”
As I fell, I could feel my transformation release. As Cat Noir fell, Adrien Agreste soon took his place. My head hit a street lamp on the way down and blood trekked its way down my face. My vision was filled with spots and my head ached. Pain blossomed in my head and through the last bits of vision I had left, I could see myself approach the ground. I closed my eyes, bracing for the impact, sending apologies to the ones I loved.
They lied. When you were close to death, you didn’t see your life playback before you. You just saw the important bits.
The time father taught me to draw
When mother would sing me lullabies
Felix and I playing together to trick our parents.
Mother dying
Father changing
Meeting Plagg
Meeting Ladybug
Miraculous
Death
I saw white bleach my vision.
--
“Oh my god, kid. I knew the underworld was real but like, I never knew someone who went there! Usually, they never come back!”
“Plagg quit being a moron, you pig. I didn’t go to the underworld! I was in the Burrow!”
“Wait, like Bunnyx’s burrow?”
“Yep.”
“Oh, I’m starting to see where the time difference comes in.”
“Yeah…”
--
“Adrien… wake up!” A voice called out to me.
I tried, I really did. My eyelids were too heavy and refused to open.
“Cat Noir! Wake up!”
That snapped me awake. I was somewhere in which someone knew my identity. “Who…”
“Bunnyx. Alix, remember?”
“Right… Why am I…” I squinted. “Why am I in the Burrow?”
“I fixed you right up, I did. You were almost dead, Sunshine.”
“Oh… thanks..”
“Don’t thank me yet. You… have a job to do.”
“What?”
“The timeline in which Ladybug gets akumatized still exists. You need to fix it…”
That made all my fuzzy memories become crystal clear. I drowned Alix out. I FORGOT! Oh no. I’m a horrible partner. No wonder Ladybug doesn’t trust me… How could I forget?
“...and face Cat Blanc and an akumatized Ladybug. Got it?”
“Wait… what?”
“Weren’t you listening? You need to fix the broken timeline as Ladybug did before!”
“Ladybug fixed a timeline? Who’s Cat Blanc? If… if you got Ladybug to fix a timeline before, why didn’t you pick her again?” I mumbled, trying not to show my hurt feelings. Ladybug got picked to save the world without me… maybe for good reason if we remember what happened in New York.
“She didn’t tell you? She was supposed to by now!”
“Tell me what?”
“Um… You know what? Never mind. Just know you have to face two incredibly powerful, akumatized superheroes.”
I gulped, “So why not Ladybug again?”
“She’s not ready. She can’t face these 2. I’ve already tried.”
I looked down. I was only the second choice… again.
--
“You’re telling me that Bunnyx sent you in there with little to no explanation as to what was going on, and expected you to perform flawlessly?” Plagg exclaimed in disbelief. His expression morphed into one of confusion and mild anger.
“Yeah well, I did take a year to do it. I couldn’t do it by myself and with some hints from… you actually, I made my way to Tibet.”
“Tibet? The-”
“Yep, exactly that. The Temple of the Guardians. They told me I was pretty much ready for something and trained me properly for three months.”
“Trained you for what?”
“Becoming a Guardian, Plagg. I’m a Guardian.”
“... I need cheese.”
I stifled sad laughter as he got up to retrieve more cheese.
“Do you have a mark?”
I parted my hair on the nape of my neck. “There.”
He inspected my guardian mark and ruffled my hair proudly. “Great job kid! You became a guardian because you deserve it!”
“Thanks, I guess. But it weighed down on me a lot. I would’ve spoken to Ladybug if she were there, but she wasn’t. At least, not one that wasn’t akumatized.”
“I helped, right?”
“A lot, but it wasn’t enough. I told Nino.”
“Right.”
“Hawk Moth was a different person. I think someone else found the miraculous. They called themselves Queen Monarch.”
“Kid… you went against three evil miraculous holders. Was the white cat, you?”
“It was me, just akumatized. Ladybug hid this from me for almost two to three years depending on the person. And four evil miraculous holders actually. Blue - who was actually a peacock miraculous holder, joined in. Not for a good reason though. I used the miraculous from my box.”
“Kid, if you have a different box, can I still stay?”
“Yes. You’re in it. My box is the miraculous of Destruction. You’re in the center. The others are the destruction with Fire, Natural disasters, Global Warming - we just call her Global - and Earth. Earth makes awesome volcanoes. I got hurt pretty bad in there, but the thing with my box is that you can’t heal properly.”
“What happened after,” Plagg asked, munching on camembert.
“Well, the miraculous holders found Nino’s house. They threatened Alya. And Nino gave me up,” I said lamely. I was still hurt and betrayed from that, despite knowing that it never happened here… yet.
Plagg stayed silent for a long time. “Are you still injured?
I blanched, “Unfortunately. But it’s not horrible-”
Plagg dragged me to the floor. “Show me. I’m not going to let you continue with injuries.”
When I didn’t listen, Plagg used our bond to figure out himself. “KID, WHAT THE HECK!? YOU’VE GOT MULTIPLE STAB WOUNDS, A BULLET EMBEDDED IN YOUR ARM, AND A WOUND ON YOUR HEAD! WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU!”
“Just… a collection of wounds from a year’s worth of fighting miraculous users?”
“You’re going to a hospital.”
“Plagg! I can’t explain my-”
“Fine. I’m properly treating your wounds. Kid, it looks like you haven’t changed your bandages in ages!”
Plagg pushed me back to the bathroom and undressed the bandages. He properly cleaned them, removed stitches, and cared for them. I, in the meantime, passed out. Wonderful distribution of work, don’t you think?
“Kid. Wake up.”
I groaned, “I’m fine right where I am, thanks.”
“Now. I want to know what happened next. How’d you purify the Akuma and return everything to normal?”
“Ah. That.”
--
Time: Eleven Months of the twelve Adrien spent in this year
I panted, clutching my bleeding abdomen. Justice Bug swatted me aside like I was nothing but a pesky fly, buzzing in her ears. My back flung against the rusted metal of the destroyed Eiffel tower. I just barely bit back a scream. My arms and back went hot with pain. Cat Blanc advanced with an attack - one that I narrowly missed. My back was erupting into flares of excruciating pain.
Funnily enough, a small, detached part of me noticed that somewhere along the line sandboy was the illusion and Chat Blanc was very much real. Eying my opponents (I couldn’t think of any of them - mainly Ladybug - as people I knew. I had to distance myself from them) I realized that Justice Bug had disappeared. Before I could react, she popped out of nowhere and punched my abdomen. My legs gave out as I fell to the floor, in and out of consciousness, unable to bear the pain. I could hear my heart thumping echoing through my body, its rate slowing with every struggled breath and poisoned minute.
Grunting, I willed myself up, only to realize something. Justice Bug was always protecting Blanc’s bell while Blanc was always protecting the ribbon. I already knew about the ribbon, but now, I knew where Blanc’s Akuma was. Then, someone kicked me in the back. I slowly turned around, only to see the peacock holder. I cursed under my breath.
“Can’t you just leave me alone?” I whined, rather pathetically.
“No,” Blue deadpanned.
Blue fought well, but I noticed that he was still a bit awkward. He fought with practice but almost seemed like he hadn’t had the miraculous for a while.
I called my cataclysm, holding it out as a shield. Blue stopped briefly, and at that moment, I grabbed the peacock brooch.
Blue stumbled back in surprise - revealing… FELIX.
“FELIX?!”
Felix looked at me, as realization dawned on him, “I know you. I’d know that face. It’s my face… Adrien? Wait…” he said, looking at my condition.
I was too angry to care. At the same time, I could see Felix doing this. I promised myself to not trust again. It only gave me trouble.
“Get lost.”
He complied, but not before running to Queen Monarch - the butterfly holder - and grabbing her miraculous. In her place was Lila. I stared. She stared back. Felix gave the miraculous to me, “Fix this.”
“Your mess, you mean?”
“I- yeah. If it means any consolation, I’m sorry, I didn’t come to your dad’s funeral.”
I snorted, “It’s not as if I didn’t do it to you.”
--
“Your dad died?” Plagg questioned.
“Yeah…”
“Good riddance.”
“PLAGG, THAT’S MY DAD.”
“So? What’s your point? At least that’s one less person on the hit list.”
“You are a moron.”
“Whatever. We still needa open up a cheese shop.”
“Do you want to know how I fixed everything?”
“Yeah, yeah, continue.”
--
I lay exhausted from using the destruction kwamis. Their power could only be used by their Guardian, and… took a bit of their life as they were used. I stared at the akumas that lay in my hands. They whispered awful things to me.
‘No one really liked you. That’s why they keep betraying you. Poor Plagg didn’t even get to choose his chosen. If he did, he would’ve picked a better Cat Noir. How did Master Fu go so wrong? Don't you think you should disappear? At least let us help, we can make you better. Because you’re horrible right now… No wonder Ladybug is afraid of you and doesn’t trust you.’
--
“Uh, hold on. Kid, I may not have been able to pick my chosen, but you’re pretty cool. I mean, you let me have freedom and camembert, but you're also my Bonded one. You're literally the best chosen I’ve ever had - and a Sunshine child to boot! You better not have listened to the stupid akumas, got it?”
“Yeah. I do now. Thanks, Plagg. And why do people keep calling me a Sunshine Child?”
--
Ladybug offered to purify the akumas and soon realized that she couldn’t touch them. The other me tried as well. No luck. I was stuck listening to the awful words of the akumas again.
‘Please, Please, go away. Can’t their darkness be destroyed or something? Stop talking to me, leave me alone. I can’t be everything they said. People need me… right?’ I thought, desperately.
I heard yelling all around me.
“CAT NOIR! OPEN YOUR EYES,” Ladybug cried out.
I obeyed, astonished to see two purified butterflies.
The other me looked at me in awe, “It’s in your thoughts. The miraculous is only restricted by the holder’s thoughts.”
I looked at him and suddenly understood. However, my wounds took the better of me as I sank to the floor, peering in on the doors of unconsciousness.
“...Bunnyx…” I whispered.
--
“Kid. None of my holders have been able to do that. I didn’t know my miraculous could do that. You just changed your thinking from ‘I need to purify’ to ‘ I need to destroy the darkness’ and since your thinking changed to fit your given powers, it worked. You humans are very interesting.”
“Plagg, you are literally a human right now.” I rolled my eyes.
“Same difference. So, how’d you get home?”
--
Bunnyx fussed over me as I struggled to my feet. I noticed my appearance had changed in a reflection on the floor. I had a faux fur neck warmer, more jagged padding with green accents and a new mask.
“Kitty noir, you did well. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to come for you earlier but you did it! Even if it took a year.”
“I tried…”
“I’m not saying you did bad! You did amazing!”
“But Ladybug could’ve done it faster. Why didn’t she tell me about Cat Blanc? Doesn’t she trust me? I-.. I’ve tried to be there for her but it wasn’t enough, was it? SHE. DOESN’T. TRUST. ME. She lied to me…”
“Wait… Kitty Noir, I’m sorry but-”
“I just wanna go home. Can you bring me back home? I saw so much and I can’t get them out of my head. I’m hurt, and apparently a guardian of destructive forces. I’m so so tired. Nino basically betrayed me, my father is dead, Felix got the peacock and Lila the butterfly-”
“Usually, I never let people see their alternate universes. But you needed to. And I’m sorry that there is so much to take in… but your job isn’t done yet. How were you planning to fix the place?”
“...what?”
“You have to return everything to normal? Remember?”
“No. NONONONO. I can’t do this. How am I supposed to fix this? I can’t do it-” I broke off, feeling the tears pool in my eyes. I pleaded with her so many times to let me go home, only to have her look at me with pity. The tears dripped down my face as I felt the pressure press on me, suffocating me.
“Noir, you’re a smart kid. Think.”
--
“I was hyperventilating. I couldn’t breathe and there was so much pressure on me. I was so overwhelmed because Ladybug lied to me, Nino betrayed me, Felix went against me-”
“Kid. you are hyperventilating. Deep breaths. Calm down.”
“Can we… take a break,” I said, trying to calm myself down.
“Yeah. Let’s take a break.”
Plagg got up and grabbed a controller. He pulled up Ultimate Mecha Strike 8 and passed me a controller. I smiled gratefully.
Soon enough, I fell asleep.
Plagg shook me awake the next morning, “Kid wake up. You’re lucky you don’t have school today.”
I woke up, staring Plagg in the eye. “I’m ready to tell you what happened next.”
He stared at me for a moment. “You sure?”
“Yeah.”
He sat down criss-cross and motioned me to sit.
“So, I had this idea to use a Ladybug’s help from another timeline, but we don’t get them directly affected. Basically, we guide the magic ladybugs into that timeline to fix it.”
“Did it work?”
“Yeah, actually. The ladybugs fixed the timeline and a little bit of me. Then I got sent home…”
“You still feel hurt,” Plagg sighed.
“I do. Ladybug never told me, never trusted me. She was afraid of me… and now, I'm afraid of her. She’s the one who injured me. The others never actually tried to cause me bodily harm to the point where I'd be unrecognizable.”
“Oh really? Wait WHAT-”
“Plagg. Don’t overreact-”
“Hey kid, can I go out for a sec?”
“Huh? Yeah sure Plagg. You’ll come back though, right?”
“Of course, kid. I’ll come back. I promise.”
It took almost a full hour before Plagg came back, phasing through my window. I couldn’t help but give him a bone-crushing hug as soon as he took his human form.
“I thought you weren’t going to come back. I thought you weren’t coming back…” I whispered into his shoulder.
“Aw, kid. I told you I was coming back…”
“But everyone left me. I couldn’t help but think-”
“Kid, you realize I can stay forever now, right? I’ll never have to leave.”
“How so?” I asked, sniffling.
“You’re technically my guardian. I’ve got to stay with you, and I would like to stay with you.”
“But Ladybug?”
“Ladybug can shove her orders up her-”
“PLAGG!”
“Right, sorry. Forgot we have virgin ears here.”
“Shut up.”
“Well, anyway. I’m part of your box, so, I can technically stay here forever.”
“Won’t you miss your fellow kwamis?”
“... I will. But I can always see them. You let me anyway. We’re immortal. You’re not. By the way, I’ve got you an appointment with Ladybug.”
“WHAT? Plagg, I can’t! Please-”
“No, Kid. You’ve been telling me that you feel hurt based on what she did to you. You need to tell her. Don’t do what she did to you and hide.”
I stayed silent.
“Kid?”
“Let’s go. PLAGG, CLAWS OUT.”
I leaped out my window, and to the Eiffel Tower, where I saw Ladybug’s silhouette.
“Cat! How are you? Woah, new suit?”
“No. Stop.”
“Cat, what are you-”
“You lied to me. You hid things from me. You don’t trust me, you are scared of me .”
‘What-”
“I know about Cat Blanc.”
Ladybug inhaled deeply, stumbling backward and falling to her knees, “H-how?”
“The same way you did. Except you got akumatized. But my akumatized self was there too. So was the peacock's miraculous holder and the butterfly.”
“You know who they are? But why didn’t you tell me? Wait-!”
“LADYBUG!” I roared. “You hurt me too many times. You don’t trust me, and now, I don’t think I can either. I can’t follow you blindly anymore, I can’t even listen to you without wondering if you’re hiding something from me. I thought you said you stopped?” I croaked softly.
“Kitty I-”
“You’ve broken my heart way too many times for me to forgive you now Ladybug. I can’t trust you anymore. I trusted you, Ladybug. I loved you. But not anymore. You know? At some point, you just put me under so much pressure I had to craft an entirely new Cat Noir… just for you. Just so I can please you. But it never was enough was it? You’ve hurt me far beyond repair.”
With that I raced across the rooftops, swiping the tears that leaked from my eyes.
The world has hurt me too many times…
I need to be good enough for myself. No one else. And so…
I’m done with it all.