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A westerly wind was blowing down from the mountain range, carrying with it the chill of the snow covered mountains. Lucy stood out on the deck, a coffee in hand. She gave up cigarettes after leaving NC. Just swapped one bad habit for another, she had joked. The vapor of the hot liquid swirled and eddied in the invisible currents of the breeze, dissipating its inviting scent across her nose. It was the clear, crisp mornings like these that she loved to gaze out to the horizon, over the deep forest green, to the cobalt blue peaks. Her mind was as clear as the morning air. Immersed totally in that moment of tranquillity. That was at least until the monsters would come.
“It all still there?”
She turned with a start, she hadn’t noticed him leaning on the doorframe, looking at her with a grin. She couldn’t help but smile when she saw him in the mornings. She could scarcely believe he was real, flesh, blood and chrome. For the first six months she would go to physically touch him, just to make sure he was truly there. But there he was, real as the chilled air brushing her face. She still had a hard time accepting him in denim and flannel. She remembered her gentle teasing when he first stepped out of the changing room, looking about ready to tear down a 40ft pine with his bare hands. That was not the boy she first met. But it was the man he is today.
“Heh, yeah. It’s all there! Just enjoying the quiet.”
“Yeah. Not sure I could ever get used to this. In the best way. It’s like I wake up and wonder if I’ve died and somehow made it to heaven on a daily basis.”
A shudder came over her. A brief, fear filled thought of what might have been had they stayed in that city.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, just the wind. I’m gonna come in.”
“The monsters are up.”
“Seriously?! Ugh, these two!”
David let out a small chuckle, his grin remaining firmly in place.
“Don’t worry, I’ve got them. Take your time, you deserve it.”
“I do? What for?”
“Just do.”
If the wind was biting, she wouldn’t know. The warmth enveloping her melted all chill away. She watched David walk back inside. The sound of two high pitched voices arguing percolated outside as he turned to go back inside. As he shut the door it dimmed down to a dull, inaudible verbal altercation, presumably over the color of the spoon they wanted their breakfast with. It was always the yellow one. She couldn’t help but smile at the thought.
If that’s the worst kind of fight they’re ever gonna get in, that’s fine by me.
She caught herself reaching up to feel the back of her neck. It had become a habit since the surgery. The scar on her neck was still there, a dull pain emanating from the site where she touched.
“Look, getting rid of a runner port is not easy. There won’t be everything gone, the interior connections will still be there around your spine and brain. Touching those risks doing major nervous damage. And, removing the exterior jacks… it might not be pretty. Stuff like this, it wasn’t installed with the intent of being removed at a later date.”
The surgeon needed some convincing, and a good number of liability waivers signed in case anything did go wrong. They had paid the Eddies and she went under the knife. The last vestige of her old life, the pain, the loss, replaced with an ugly scar. She remembered breaking down into tears as the bandages came off. The angry red of freshly grafted and soutured flesh replacing the elegant gunmetal of the port. The metal of her past wouldn’t be so easily removed, and would not leave no trace of its destruction upon her.
She wondered at that point if she would ever be truly free of her past. She had feared seeing David’s reaction to the scar. Would he still look at her like he always had done? But she also remembered what had happened almost immediately after the tears had started. In that sterile smelling, bland hospital room David stood behind her, leant over and gave the scar a gentle kiss.
“I like it.”
The pain she had from the scar as his lips made contact with it was sharper back then, fresher, rawer. But it didn’t matter. He could do that a thousand times over and she wouldn’t care. She couldn’t have loved him at that moment any more if she tried. Whether or not she could be truly free of her past. If she had David by her side, she knew she wouldn’t be bound by it.
“Rebecca Gloria Martinez! Sit your butt down on that chair right now!”
The noise of David’s earnest attempt at commanding a five year old snapped her back to reality. The words were dulled through the walls, but she could hear what David was saying loud and clear. The two of them had wondered if they were setting themselves up for a hard time by naming her after Rebecca. Would they raise a firecracker just like her namesake was? Fuck, Rebecca wasn’t a fire cracker, she was a tactical nuke.
“You too, Maine! I’m sorry we don’t have two yellow spoons, but one of you is going to have to just be okay with the blue one!”
Time to go inside. David was, at one time, one of the toughest Edgerunners in NC. But it categorically had not translated to his parenting style. He was a big softy, let those two get away with anything, and boy did they know it. She entered the fray of the three-way power struggle unfolding in front of her.
“Mom! Maine had the yellow spoon for dinner last night. I want a turn for breakfast!”
Rebecca was always quick to the draw.
“I got to the kitchen first! You snooze you lose, right dad?”
David looked like a deer in headlights. She still couldn’t quite get over how ridiculous that phrase was after learning it from the locals. She certainly knew what headlights were, but what deer were and their reactions to headlights - a total novelty.
“The two of you have been so competitive since the very first day I found out I was carrying you! I still remember the kicking competition you got into with each other six months in! You’re gonna have to learn to talk this stuff out!”.
“Yeah, tell me about it! And it’s never calmed down between you two! Fighting’s not gonna get you far. We need to trust each other!”. David had continued, like a gladiator tagged into the arena by their partner.
She did remember that kicking competition. It was a precious moment of joy and hopefulness in an otherwise fraught pregnancy. It had started out joyful and hopeful, in between the brutal morning sickness, that is. But reality had quickly set in. Of everything she had ever been through in Night City, nothing compared to the dread and despair of possibly losing what would become the two most precious things in her life.
“I would like to see you every week, so I can keep a close eye on the baby. While it’s by no means impossible, the chance of a healthy, full term pregnancy is lower both with and after implant usage. And judging by your scans, you have made… significant use of implants.”
You went too far. You fucked up. You’ve paid a price you had no idea you were paying.
That’s what Lucy had heard in that examination room. It’s not what the OBGYN had said. But it’s what she was telling Lucy. David was beside her, the gentle resting of his hand on hers had almost imperceptibly become a squeeze as the conversation had progressed.
“The two of us have chromed down a lot, doc. You telling us it’s still bad?”. David had asked.
“Removal of implants has certainly helped, however heavy usage of implants leaves long lasting, possibly permanent effects on your neural and endocrine systems. An imbalanced hormonal system increases risk of improper fetal development, health complications in both baby and mother, pre-term delivery, and possibly miscarriage or stillbirth.”. The OBGYN had responded with the detached, yet soft matter-of-factness only experience can give.
Lucy had been overwhelmed. And she must have been visibly distraught, as David’s hand over hers had turned into a full hug. She felt useless in that moment. Like she had failed him. She wanted to apologize a thousand times over.
I’m sorry I might not be able to give us our dream.
“It’s gonna be okay, we’re gonna figure this out. Me and you.”
David’s voice was slightly shaking. He was scared for them, for her. And she knew he’d be internalizing guilt about it. He’d be figuring out all the ways he could make it his life mission to make this all okay. For all the ways he had changed, grown, that was the one thing that remained immutably him. His desire to charge in, to save the day. The OBGYN had given them a moment for that much needed embrace and reassurance. How many similar situations had she encountered in her time? How many instances of bad news had she been cursed with delivering to hopeful couples who only wanted to create and love new life? She broke the moment and started talking again.
“I don’t want you to think that it’s a hopeless situation. You’re both young, that goes in your favor. You’re both committed to a healthier lifestyle, with less implants.”. She started.
David and Lucy’s eyes were both trained on her. Hanging on every word the doctor uttered. They were desperate for hope, for any affirmation that this was a good idea, that things were going to be okay.
“These are all good things. I just need the two of you to be as prepared as you can be for a worst case scenario. Where I fit into all this, is seeing you weekly to ensure everything is going how it should, and catch any potential problems as early as possible. At home, Lucy I need you to take it as easy as possible. Take the pre-natal vitamins, avoid the foods I listed in your intake paperwork. Do every single thing you can do to keep you and the baby healthy.”
It was like a man dying in the desert getting a glass of cold water. Or a drowning person breaching the water’s surface and getting a gasp of air. The hope the two of them needed. They had left that appointment knowing what they needed to do, and all the resolve and determination to do it thrice over. Despite the worry, there had been interludes of joy… and shock.
“Okay and we should be getting a heartbeat now.”.
The nurse’s voice barely registered, both hers and David’s eyes were glued to the monitor displaying the ultrasound. There was a tense, dread filled moment every to-be parent felt. Were they going to hear anything? Then there it was, the quick ‘ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum’, coming through loud and clear. David was squeezing her hand, an unconstrained smile across his face. Her face matched his, tears rolling down her cheeks.
“Oh! Now wait a minute!”
That had registered, they both looked to the nurse. Had something been wrong? The nurse moved the ultrasound wand to a different angle, to get a different view. The single ‘ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum’ became multiple, two heartbeats interleaving each other.
“What is it, is something wrong?”. David had asked anxiously.
The nurse had let out a giggle, “Not at all, that there is baby number two. It’s twins!”.
Sure enough, a second tiny blob behind the first, and a few pixels oscillating between light and dark, showing a heartbeat. There were two of them. A brief moment of stunned silence filled the space between David and Lucy as they looked at each other. David had broken the silence by letting out a laugh, equal measures of shock and happiness. She matched his laugh, the tears continuing. He brought his forehead to hers, and kissed her nose. Their dream, fulfilled twice.
The weeks had gone by, the appointments, the scans. David was on high alert the whole time. He wouldn’t let Lucy lift a finger, it wore him out. Every little pain, bump, or just the feeling something wasn’t right meant a call to the doctor’s office. They got to know them by voice quite well. It wasn’t long before they were on first name terms with much of the practice. The first trimester came and went, and then the second. They had gotten to work on making their house into a home, not for one but for two little ones. They were in the clear, they had thought.
“David?! DAVID?!”
Lucy’s mind was mercilessly jolted to that day. The day everything changed. David had not moved so quickly since they left NC. Lucy was leant with her back against one of the kitchen counters, clutching her belly. He had run through from the front room, one second blissfully distracted by a game on his handheld, the next in a state of abject panic. The floor around Lucy’s feet was slick, her pants as if someone had just thrown a cup of water on them. But then David saw one of the reasons for her scream, among the fluid around Lucy’s feet swirled red ribbons.
This can’t be it. It can’t be now?! It’s only been 35 weeks! Please let them be okay!
The next five minutes were a blur in Lucy’s memory. All she remembered was the experience. Panic, terror, despair, and the sharp, tightening, breathtaking pain of a contraction. The next thing she remembered was the old musty smell of their pickup, sat in the front passenger seat shifted all the way back to give her legs space. A towel underneath her completed the experience of undignified discomfort.
“It’s going to be okay. We’re going to be fine. We’re going to get to the hospital, and they’re gonna take care of you. It’s going to be okay!”
David was on repeat, like a broken robot. He was saying everything out loud, ostensibly to her. Though he was saying it as much to himself as anybody else. Watching him watch the road, eyes fixed forward, panic set in across his face & his posture, Lucy felt a sudden wave of calm dull the sharp jagged edges of her dread.
He’s going to be a great dad.
She reached across to his arm, and placed her hand on his forearm closest to her. As if snapped out of a trance, he looked over at her, and gave a weak smile, trying to reassure her. He took her hand in his and linked fingers. His posture had relaxed, the stress lines in his face had loosened out a little.
“I’m really glad you’re here.”. Lucy had said.
“Yeah, me too.”. David had replied, his voice almost a whisper.
They had walked out of the hospital three weeks after that day carrying two tiny new human beings. The NICU stay had been necessary, to give their little lungs more time to develop so they could breathe on their own without any help, or worry. They were brand new parents, ready to face a whole new world.
“Hey, where’d you go?”
She was back in the kitchen. The kids were still engaged in the petty argument, but David had seen fit to disengage from that, and come check on her. She hadn’t noticed that he had gently gripped her hand. He was looking at her, a gentle smile on his face, with a hint of concern. It took her a short moment to compose her thoughts into a response.
“Just thinking about all the stuff we’ve had to do, everything we’ve had to go through, to get to here and now.”. She had finally said.
“Wouldn’t trade it. Not for the world, not anything.”. David had softly replied. She had barely heard him over the din of the escalating Great War for the Yellow Spoon.
“Not the moon either.”. She replied, a smile on her face. She knew what she meant. He did too.
They were locked in a mutual gaze for a brief moment, before David bobbed his head towards the kids as if to say “We better sort this out”. She gave a small nod and let out a sigh. David had turned back around to face them.
“Come on, Maine. You did have the spoon for dinner last night. And yeah, maybe you got to the kitchen first, but you gotta share with your sister. You two do love each other, afterall.”
That last sentence was made with a hint of sardony, meant only for Lucy. He had given her a knowing side-eyed glance as he said it. She barely caught a chuckle in time. The kids wouldn’t yet know what that tone really meant. A tongue in cheek assertion that ran contrary to the daily routine of the two children. Maine was not happy, but he begrudgingly slid the yellow spoon over to Rebecca. She picked it up with a gleeful smile and began eating her CheeryFlakes.
“Hey, Rebecca, Maine did something nice for you. What do we say?”. Lucy asked in that particular manner you used when trying to cajole a child into doing what they know they should be doing without needing to be asked. Rebecca had given Maine the stink-eye for a half second. And without turning to look at him, she finally said, “Thank you, Maine.”.
The tone approached sincere, but wasn’t quite there. Not a battle worth fighting, though. Maine hadn’t responded as he dug into his CheeryFlakes with the dreaded blue spoon. A bemused smile had crawled across David’s face as he turned to dry the remaining dishes. Real clay and China plates. Ones that you washed after use, and could use again. Not just throw away. Another novelty. She matched his smile with a grin of her own.
Let it be over yellow spoons, who got to the kitchen first, and nothing else for the rest of our lives.