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How do you fix something that’s been broken so many times? Is it even possible to stitch back together all these shattered pieces? Is it worth it to spend all the effort and time, when the rebuilt could never hold a candle to how it was before? Alicent didn’t know the answers to these questions. She did know that she had almost done something terrible. She had gone too far.
In her grief and anger, she may have broken things beyond repair. Her father did not seem to care, in fact, he encouraged it. But Alicent could not stop the gnawing feeling in her gut, telling her what she knew she had to do.
Alicent calmly strode through the halls of Driftmark, her destination clear in her mind. Ser Criston trailed behind her, it was comforting to the queen to know he remained ever by her side. He was not the kindest of men, she knew he was dangerous when he wanted to be, but it was far preferred to her father or Lord Larys. Gods…Harwin and Lyonel…it still doesn’t feel real…
Alicent could feel everyone’s eyes on her. The servants at least had the decency to pretend they were not staring, but Lord Corlys, Prince Daemon, even her own husband, their eyes peered into her soul. Judging her for what happened last night. “The queen has gone mad,” they whisper, in all likelihood. Alicent kept a straight face, eyes only forward towards her destination. That was how her father taught her, do not show weakness. And yet, last night, she had.
“Are you sure about this, my queen?” Ser Criston asked when they arrived where they intended, Rhaenyra’s chambers. The knight’s voice fell to a whisper only she could hear, “Every word of what you said about her last night was true. It does not feel right to leave you alone with her.”
“I did not ask for your advice on this matter, Ser. Do your duty.” Criston reluctantly nodded, opening the door. Alicent’s eyes immediately landed on Rhaenyra, the cut on her arm still fresh, the stitching barely begun. The maester sat next to her, inspecting the wound, while her children stood next to her with worried looks. Jacaerys was none the worse for wear after last night, but Lucerys had cloth in his bloody nose, Aemond had broken it.
At their entrance, all eyes fell on Criston and the queen. The maester blinked in surprise, while Jace stood protectively in front of his brother, who was trying and failing to hide his fear of the queen. The look on the poor boy’s face nearly broke Alicent’s neutral demeanor. This was her fault, she had come at the boy with a knife in her grief. What was she thinking? He had every right to be afraid. Alicent wouldn’t have truly slashed the boy’s eye out, or at least, she believed now, clear of mind, she could never do such a thing. But last night, she was not thinking straight.
Rhaenyra looked at her with contempt, her jaw clenched. Alicent had to look away to keep from breaking. She needed to maintain composure. She was the queen, this is how she was taught.
“The queen,” Criston gestured to Alicent with a bow, “would care for a moment of your time before she departs, princess.”
“We are still treating the princess’ wounds. If Her Grace would like to come back-” The maester began.
“It is alright,” Rhaenyra interrupted, to the maester’s surprise. He whispered something to her, Rhaenyra whispered back, and at once, he stood up to leave. Rhaenyra then turned to her children, who were nervously glancing between the queen and their mother. Rhaenyra pulled them close and spoke to them. “I will be just fine, go find your father, okay?” The two reluctantly left. Ser Criston bowed to the queen, and shot a look of disdain at the princess, before taking his leave as well. Finally, the two of them were alone.
Rhaenyra looked at her expectantly, but all words seemed to escape Alicent at the moment. She only stared at the wound she had left on the princess, blood still timidly trickling out of it. “What did the maester say?” Alicent’s words came out quieter than she had intended.
“It will heal, but a scar will remain,” Rhaenyra responded smoothly.
Alicent could just say what she wanted to say and be done with it, but her eyes remained fixated on the wound. “Do you mind if I…?” Alicent’s words escaped her, instead just gesturing meekly to her arm and the stitches that remained on the table. “It is the least I can do.”
Rhaenyra hesitated, expecting there to be some trick. Perhaps it was not the best idea to trust the woman who recently tried to stab her with a needle to poke into her flesh. All the same, Alicent had come here for a reason and Rhaenyra did not believe she would do anything rash after last night, so the princess nodded.
Alicent quietly sat in the maester’s seat and took the thread and needle. No words were spoken between the two as Alicent got to work stitching the wound, neither knew where to begin. The tension in the room was thick, the silence only quickly broken every so often when Rhaenyra would inhale sharply as the needle pierced her skin.
“I’m sorry,” Alicent muttered quickly after Rhaenyra’s latest wince. The princess assumed she was merely apologizing for the pain until the queen stopped for a moment, staring intently at the wound, her lips curling into a frown. “I’m sorry.” Louder this time, the queen quickly blinked away tears that were forming in her eyes.
Rhaenyra did not know quite what to say, so she said nothing. She stared at the queen, her anger fizzling, but knew it could not be that easy to forgive Alicent after all that had occurred. When the princess did not respond, Alicent quietly went back to stitching.
Rhaenyra broke the silence by laughing abruptly. Alicent paused, confused, meeting the princess’ eyes, looking for an answer. “Do you remember when we were kids and I dragged you to the training grounds in the middle of the night?”
Alicent’s eyes lit up at the memory, filling in the next part of the story. “You cut your leg open trying to show off with a sword that you had idea how to use.” Now, Alicent could see why this memory was being brought up now. “We were so desperate for your parents not to find out, we broke into the maester’s vault and I had to stitch it up.”
“Which you did terribly, by the way,” Rhaenyra said, a smile on her face, “they tore the next day and my mother caught me with my leg dripping blood.”
“I’d never done it before, I just tried to copy the way I’d seen my mother do it,” Alicent defended herself with a grin of her own. “My hands were shaking so bad, you’d think I was the one bleeding.”
The two women enjoyed the small moment of reminiscence, letting out the last of their laughs, before the memories of what happened last night, and the last fifteen years, in truth, came flooding back to them. “How did it all go so wrong?” Rhaenyra said weakly, her eyes locked on the queen.
“We grew up, I suppose,” the queen said, avoiding direct eye contact. That was a lie, and Rhaenyra knew it. The princess’ gaze felt like fire to Alicent, reminding her of every thing she had done and every way she had been wronged. “Stop looking at me like that.”
Rhaenyra did not. “That is it? We simply grew apart?” The princess mocked. “Surely you know it is not that simple.”
Alicent dropped the needle, pushing the chair away from the table, but could not find the strength to get up and leave under Rhaenyra’s judging eyes. “I tried to remain friends with you, you repaid me with coldness and lies.”
“It is my fault?” Rhaenyra scoffed at the insinuation. “I have not been calling your children bastards since the day they were born nor have I raised mine to hate yours. It is your hatred that carved the blade that took your son’s eye.”
“You broke the laws of gods and men siring those bastards, do not pretend otherwise.” Alicent’s anger flared, as did the princess’.
“Even now you cannot set aside your petty grievances,” Rhaenyra said.
“You are to be the queen. The first queen to ever rule, a precarious position with hundreds of enemies waiting for any reason to overthrow you.” Alicent’s voice was getting louder.
“I suppose you will be leading my enemies. You're searching in every nook and cranny you can find for any reason to justify your selfish desire to see Aegon on the throne.” Rhaenyra’s voice was responding in kind.
“My selfish desire? You are the one who forsook your duty to your husband and all the realm will suffer for it.”
“A husband I did not choose, who wants me even less than I want him.”
“And yet you still do your duty,” Alicent’s tone was harsh. “It does not matter your whims or wishes, you do your duty as you are expected to.”
“You cannot possibly believe the horseshit coming out of your mouth. ‘Your duty’. Was it your duty to seduce my father before my mother’s body was even cold?”
At that, the princess saw the same fire in Alicent’s eyes that she did last night. “You think I wanted any of this?” Alicent hissed, standing up. “You think I wanted to spend my days caring for your decrepit father, twice my age, who calls another woman’s name as he puts another son in me that he will not care for? You think, if I had my choice, I would pick your disgusting, rotting father?” If anyone had heard Alicent shouting those words through the wall, they could be brought to the king and she would be punished for it, but the queen did not care at the moment.
“You did not seem to complain very often when that marriage made you Queen of the Seven Kingdoms.” Rhaenyra stood as well.
“Because that is who I must be, the dutiful wife. I do not get the luxury of your royal protection to do whatever I want and get away with it. I have had to sacrifice everything, my entire life and every dream I ever had! For my father, for my husband, for my sons! And I have nothing to show for any of it beyond a lifetime of misery and regrets!” Alicent’s voice was hoarse, tears falling from her eyes at this point.
Rhaenyra could only stand and watch as the queen took deep breaths, trying desperately to calm herself after her outburst. A cloak of your own righteousness , Rhaenyra had called it last night when the queen had much the same to say, but there was no one else here. Maybe it was not a cloak, or at least, not as Rhaenyra imagined. Alicent truly believed everything she had said, that this was her duty and she could not escape it. She was not pretending. It was not a cloak she made herself, but one her father had placed over her when she was young and Alicent had never known life without it.
“What dreams did you have?” Rhaenyra asked cautiously. “Before you married my father?”
Alicent looked back at her confused, tears still wet on her cheek. “I don’t know,” the queen said absentmindedly. “I suppose…I would’ve liked to see more of the world.”
“Where?”
“I don’t know!” Alicent yelled bitterly. “Anywhere but that fucking city.” The two remained in silence again, the queen trying to recall any of her dreams from those days. It had been so long, she had repressed so many. “Your dragon…”
“Excuse me?”
“You asked me, several times actually, to go dragon riding with you. I wish I had accepted.”
“...truly?” Rhaenyra was shocked. Those days seemed a thousand years ago, she never thought Alicent even considered her offer the times she had asked. It seemed more like an inside joke after a while.
“You were the best…the only good thing I had in King’s Landing after my mother died,” Alicent admitted. “I never dreamed of anything but you. For the rest of our lives, I just wanted me and you, together.”
Rhaenyra suddenly felt as if she was fifteen again, her heart swelling as it did whenever Alicent was around. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
“What could I have said?” Alicent laughed bitterly. “My thoughts were sinful and wrong and it could never be. My father asked me to do my duty, and I had no choice but to push my own desires aside.”
“You should’ve told me,” Rhaenyra said. “We could’ve found a way.”
Alicent looked up at her in surprise, blinking in confusion for a moment, until it dawned on her what Rhaenyra meant. She had felt the same all those years ago, but neither had said anything.
“Even you could not change the way of the world,” Alicent mumbled, turning her gaze away.
“So we should not have even tried?” Rhaenyra asked incredulously. The queen could not meet her eyes, she fidgeted with her fingers and did not respond. “Maybe you’re right…” Rhaenyra admitted sadly, “but our children need not suffer as we did. There can still be peace.”
Alicent seemed to consider it for a moment. She truly did not want a war and she knew Aegon did not want the crown, she only wanted to protect her children and her father had poisoned her mind. “My father will not rest until he sees Aegon on the throne, nor will dozens of other lords. Your succession will be challenged and my sons stand in your way, it is bigger than you or I to stop it now.”
“Then what shall we do?” Rhaenyra asked. “Shall we go back to despising each other on the ‘morrow, as if this conversation never happened?”
“Do you not still despise me?” Alicent asked.
Rhaenyra took a few moments to answer, honestly rather unsure of her feelings towards the queen now. She has not and could not forgive their many arguments over the years so quickly, and yet today was the first time they had spoken plainly to each other in years and, in truth, Rhaenyra did miss her friend. “Not entirely…” Rhaenyra decided, “We could still salvage what we had.”
Alicent looked at the princess, miserable and conflicted. If she accepted Rhaenyra’s friendship, she would either be torn away from her sons or from Rhaenyra when war broke out. It was not an if, it was a when. And yet, saying no felt wrong. Alicent hated her life and who she had become. With Rhaenyra, she may still have a chance to be who she once was, or at least someone resembling her.
“I don’t know, princess,” Alicent replied sadly. The two remained in silence once again, Alicent quietly pulling the chair back towards the table. Getting the message, Rhaenyra sat back down as well, and Alicent wordlessly went back to work stitching her wound.
Quickly, perhaps too quickly for either woman’s wishes, Alicent finished and there was no more reason to stay. “I am sorry,” Alicent said again, breaking the silence, this time looking into Rhaenyra’s eyes. “For last night. For how I’ve treated your sons. For how I’ve treated you. Everything.”
“I am sorry as well,” Rhaenyra said, taking Alicent’s hand in her own. “For what happened to Aemond. For not seeing your pain when it was right in front of me. For judging you without knowing. Everything.”
The two women spent a moment, quietly considering all they had done to each other and what could be done to fix it. “I have to go,” Alicent said, sadness clear in her voice, “I must return to King’s Landing.” Without you , the words went unspoken. Rhaenyra and her family had gone to Dragonstone to stay.
“I could try to visit sometimes,” Rhaenyra promised. She had always planned to visit, for her father and her half-sister who she quite liked, but now she had a new reason.
“I think…” Alicent hesitated, the words fighting in her throat to break free, “I think I would like that, Rhaenyra.”
A soft smile appeared on the queen’s face, one of farewell, but not forever. The queen almost stood to leave, but Rhaenyra held her wrist. She met the queen’s hazel eyes with her own, wordlessly communicating that she did not want to leave her friend like this.
Alicent got the message, leaning forward. Rhaenyra responded in kind, connecting their lips together. It was a soft kiss, full of words unsaid and longing for more but knowing they could not. It was not a seal of reconciliation, but a promise to try. Rhaenyra could still taste the salty tears Alicent had shed on her lips. Alicent knew it was better than any kiss she had ever shared with her husband, and part of her wished to stay like this, but both knew the truth. Not only was it a dangerous relationship to have, but the emotional wounds both had inflicted on the other had not yet healed. It would take much more time.
They separated and Alicent sadly bid the princess farewell, but even as she departed from Driftmark, the queen did not despair. A spark of hope had been lit inside of her. She did not know what would happen in the future, if their relationship could ever be what it was, or more, or if the war would shatter it all over again. But for today, at least, she had said what she needed to say for so long, and her future looked just a little bit brighter.