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Sometimes Raph would dissociate. It didn't happen often and it wouldn't last for long, however. No, he couldn't allow himself to, being the oldest and having more responsibilities. He had to be there for his brothers, had to remain in reality for them. Raph would take deep breaths and count to ten in order to calm himself down.
The first time it happened, it had been after the fight with Shredder. His family had freed the people of New York and gone to Todd's place, tending to wounds and gushing about their mystic powers. They'd have to repair their lair at a later date. Raph could remember getting there and laughing at a joke his dad had said. After that, it was a blur. He suddenly wasn't tethered to reality, his mind peaceful and floating in space. He was able to see things happening but it didn't really register in his brain.
The snapping turtle couldn't remember the last time he'd felt truly at peace. No responsibilities, no little brothers getting in trouble, and nobody trying to kill his family. It was like he'd found a piece of serenity and he savored each second of it. Then, he felt something pulling at his mind, tugging and weighing him down. Back down to his body, to earth, to reality. His mind fought to keep the serene space within its grasp, hanging on by a thread.
The thread snapped and he was falling. Raph returned with a gasp, shaking his head and looking for the source that had pulled him back. It was Donnie. The softshell was on his knees and looking up at him with concern. Raph frowned and glanced around him, noticing the rest of his family off playing with puppies. When he'd sat down, he had no clue. A hand on his knee brought his attention back to his worried brother.
According to Donnie, he'd been silent and standing for about thirty minutes. The softshell had been the one to seat him, shooing the others away as soon as he'd seen his brother's state. It was a state he knew too well. They had a long discussion about it after that, Donnie giving him advice on what to do the next time it happened. Raph had assured him it wouldn't happen again, that he'd be careful and recognize the signs before it could start.
That was nearly three years ago and he'd been careful ever since then. Only letting himself be when alone and everyone was asleep. Raphael wasn't able to catch the signs this time until it was too late. Earth was safe. Leo was safe, minus the obvious wounds littering his body. They'd won and now they'd go tend to their wounds. After assessing the damages on Leo and reuniting with everyone else, Raph let out a heavy breath.
A soft static noise filled his head and his mind drifted off. It floated up and into the clouds, into that familiar peacful scene. He tried to break it, tried to pull himself back down. It wasn't until they reached the lair, until Donnie somehow patched him up and pushed him into his room to rest, that he felt the static leave. Unlike his normal, slow descent back into the world, it was fast. A quick rush back into his body. It had Raph gasping for air and blinking rapidly. His heart pounded in his ears and his body shook.
Suddenly, he was back. Back in the tentacles of the Krang and having his mind probed. He snapped his head up to look at his surroundings, breath uneven and picking up rapidly. He couldn't escape, his vision blurring and swimming with images of pink slimy flesh wrapped tightly around him. Raph shook his head and wrapped his arms around himself tightly, a wave of dizziness washing over him.
'No', he thought to himself. 'It's not real. They're gone and I'm home.' Whimpers left his throat as he curled up in a ball on the floor. He had to pull himself together. His family couldn't see him like this, weak and pathetic. He had to be there for his brothers. They needed him to be strong, to take care of and help them.
The snapping turtle laid there for several minutes and tried to calm himself down. It felt like hours had passed by the time he let his limbs unfurl from their position. His heartbeat slowed, the pounding in his ears lessened. Body aching and head pounding, he rose to his hands and knees. Bile crept up his throat and he swallowed hard to keep it down, mouth dry. Raph stayed in that position for a few more minutes before moving himself to sit back on his haunches.
He was tired now, the exhaustion from the fight and whatever had just happened creeping up on him. His wounds didn't make it any better. Mustering up the remainder of his strength, Raph stood and glanced around him. No one was in his room. Good. They didn't need to see whatever that whole situation was. He wiped his face free of tears and took several deep breaths.
Once he was sure he was okay, he slowly shuffled his feet out the door. Pulling the curtain to his room back, he glanced around and made his way to the medbay in order to check on everyone. He'd look up what had happened later. Right now, his responsibility was checking on his family and making sure they comforted and taken care of. As he made his way there, he spotted Mikey and April in the kitchen. Raph looked them over, scanning for any signs of distress. He didn't find any and continued his walk to the medbay. He'd make sure to talk with him later, not wanting to disrupt the conversation the two were having.
After turning another corner and passing a few more rooms, he made it to his destination. Peeking his head inside, he noticed Leo, Donnie, Casey, and his dad all talking. A smile graced the snapping turtle's lips at the sight. They were going to be okay. He pushed himself forward and waved at the four once they turned to see him. Walking up to the gurney, Raph smiled down at the slider.
"Everything okay, guys", he asked cheerfully. They all smiled up at him. Well, everyone except for Donnie. The softshell glared at his older brother and folded his arms.
"I know I've seen better days but, nothing a little TLC won't fix", the slider chuckled. Donnie scoffed and rolled his eyes, Splinter mirroring his action.
"Blue has a concussion and a few broken ribs."
" As well as a few cracks on his shell. It'll take a while to heal but, nothing too bad", the softshell added. Leo frowned and stuck out his tongue in annoyance. The action made Raph smile and shake his head.
" What about you, Master Donatello? Are you alright?" Casey gazed at him with concern. The softshell hummed and nodded his head.
"I'll be fine. Just a few bruises here and there. However", he turned towards Raph, a scowl on his face. "I thought I'd sent you to get some rest. Why are you up and about, Raph?" The snapping turtle let out a nervous chuckle and scratched the back of his head. He couldn't tell him that he'd been freaking out a moment ago. That would only worry his younger brother even more. It was Leo who spoke up then, an uneasy grimace marring his face.
"You should listen to D, Raph. You've...You need to take it easy, yeah? After all that's happened..." Raph's smile faltered just a bit before he fixed it and shook his head.
"I'm fine, Leo. Never better, actually. All that matters is you guys are okay, yeah?" The slider groaned and Splinter gazed at his eldest son, worry evident in his eyes. He placed a hand on his arm and stood up to face him.
"Raphael, it might be best to listen to your brothers. Please go and get some sleep. We can all talk later once everyone is well rested, yes?" The snapping turtle gave a pout and nodded his head. He knew his family was right, knew he needed to take it slow. With a sigh and a wave, he turned on his heel and made his way out of the room.
"Don't worry, Raph", he heard Leo yell after him. "We can totally have a turtle pile later, okay?" He smiled at that, turning his head to nod at the slider.
He'd managed to return to his room, closing the curtain behind him. Raph let out a breath and brought his hand to lay against his chest, feeling the steady beat of his heart through his plastron. Now that he was alone and not distracted, he could finally think. His brow furrowed and he let out a huff of frustration. That hadn't happened before. That intense feeling of fear and helplessness. He couldn't do anything about it and it angered him. Raph climbed into bed, borrowing himself in the sheets, and pulled out his phone. He opened the browser with a grimace and typed in everything he had been feeling almost an hour ago.
After what seemed like hours and hours of scrowling and scanning through texts, he turned his phone off. Laying on his back with a sigh, he grabbed one of his plushies and placed a hand back on his chest. There were a lot of big words on the sites he went on. Many he didn't understand. But, one thing remained the same no matter what he read. Panic. He'd had a panic attack. He wasn't sure how long it had lasted but, he knew he had hallucinated during it.
Turning on his side, he clutched his plushie close to his chest and clenched his eyes shut. Tears were forming behind his eyes and he let out a small whimper. This was all new territory for him and he didn't know how to deal with it. He couldn't tell his family, didn't want to burden them with it when they themselves had problems. As he let out quiet sniffles into his pillow, he prayed that this was only a one time thing. His silent cries slowly but surely died down, exhaustion and body aches lulling him to sleep.
"Raph..! Raph, please! I'm sorry!" Terror shown bright within the slider's tearful eyes, hands gripping and clawing at the tentacle wrapped tightly around his throat. Raph tried to stop himself, watched as his hand formed into claws. He could hear Donnie and Mikey scream at him in desperation. Anything to get him stop. It was like he was being held back, his mind yelling at him to let his brother go. His body wasn't his own anymore, the tentacle wrapped around his brother tightening it's hold.
Leo let out a strangled cry, body weakly fighting against his brother's grip. Raph's mind begged and cried as he watched the scene unfold.
"R-Raaaph...please..!" Before the slider could utter another word, claws ripped through his plastron. Breaking flesh and tearing through organs before protruding through his shell. A gasp left his lips, blood bubbling up his throat. The elder of the two watched in horror as his brother coughed up the blood sitting within his throat, the light within his eyes starting to fade. As his body began to fall limp, Leo gazed up at his brother tears falling freely.
A small, whimpered "why" was the last thing the slider managed before his eyes drooped shut and his limbs stopped their movements. Raphael could do nothing but sob, his body flinging Leo away and turning to grab his other two siblings.
Raph awoke with a start, a gasping sob rattling in his chest. Sweat drenched his sheets and clung onto his overheated frame. Practically ripping them off his body, he sat up and slammed his hands on the sides of his head. His heart was pounding so hard, he thought it would burst. Breathing was becoming difficult and bile was crawling up his throat. He tried hard to hold it down, but it was no use. The contents of his stomach - nothing but acid from the lack of food from recent events - were emptied on his sheets.
Raph's body curled in on itself, tears pouring from his eyes. It was happening again. Why was it happening again?! He tried to remain quiet while it happened, not wanting to alert his family. It would pass. It had to pass, needed to pass. Seconds turned into minutes and minutes turned into an hour. By the time his heartbeat slowed and his whimpers died down, he was staring up at his ceiling. Everything hurt. His chest hurt, his head hurt, his body...his shell...
Raph let out a soft groan and rolled himself into a sitting position, albeit rather slowly and a bit dizzy. He'd somehow managed to fall to the floor, sheets crumpled up beside him. Taking a few moments to regulate his breathing, Raph slowly but surely made his way to his feet. Hand on his head, he shuffled to pull the curtain to his room back. He looked left and right, making sure nobody was around to hear what had transpired. When he saw no one was around, he let out a sigh and frowned.
This was going to be a problem. How was he going to hide having these issues from his brothers? 'No', he thought, 'I'm not going have another one. This is crazy. I should be able to handle this better!' He grumbled curses at himself under his breath. He was tired and in pain and yet...That nightmare... Raph shuddered and gulped down a whine. He wasn't going back to sleep anytime soon. With a resigned sigh, he padded his way towards the kitchen. Tea and a little pizza would help. Only, once he got there and warmed himself a slice, his stomach soured in protest. Okay, so, no food. Got it. He sighed and made himself some chamomile tea. Not his favorite but, he recalled his dad mentioning it's calming affects so, it would have to do.
Adding a little honey and lemon, he brought the cup to his lips and took a long sip with a sigh. He turned on his heel to go sit in the living room when, he spotted a familiar orange bandana hunched over the dining room table. Mikey glanced up at his older brother and gave a small smile, placing his pizza down on his plate. Raph watched as his hands shook with the movement, frowning slightly at the bandages wrapped around them.
"Hey, Raphie! How's it hangin?" The smaller of the two let out an awkward chuckle, moving his hands behind his back. It was obvious he was trying to hide them. Raph gave him a small smile and went to sit next to his brother. He figured Mikey would tell him what was wrong when he was ready. The two had a long conversation, ending only because Mikey had fallen asleep. His head resting on his brother's lap. Raphael couldn't help the grin that spread on his face as he watched his brother sleep. For the rest of the night he remained on his phone, sipping his tea and staying still so that Mikey could get his sleep. He'd get better on his own. Right now, he just needed to be there for his brothers.
*Two months and six days*
He wasn't getting better. In fact, it was getting worse. His sleep pattern was practically nonexistent at this point. Everytime he closed his eyes, he could see images of himself killing each one of his brothers over and over. Eating wasn't exactly an option either. At best, he could scarf down toast and some water, albeit his stomach gurgling in disagreement. If he even remotely came into contact with anything slimey or squishy, he'd flinch and back away from it with a shriek. Raph had tried to play it off as being surprised anytime someone caught him doing so. Nevermind that the panic attacks would come at random, sometimes three times a day. It was tiring and Raph was becoming unsure of his ability to keep it secret much longer.
With a groan, he tore his gaze away from his phone and waddled his way out of his room. Trudging towards the bathroom, Raph clutched his stomach as it rumbled in protest. As soon as he made it to his destination, he fumbled his way towards the toliet, clutching the sides of the rim and heaving. Nothing would come out save some water and spittle. After a few coughs and gags, he stopped and pulled himself up to gaze at his reflection in the mirror.
He looked horrible. Bags under his eyes dark and drooping low, cheeks a bit sunken in due to malnutrition. Glancing down at his frame, he could've sworn he looked slightly smaller than normal. Raph wiped at his mouth and turned on the sink in order to brush his teeth. That was the least he could do to appear somewhat put together. He didn't know what to do. All of the articles he read online suggested he get help from others but, he just couldn't bring himself to. Leo was almost completely healed up, Mikey had gotten a stabilizer from Donnie for the tremors he'd developed in his hands - a side effect of the portal opening - and Donnie's shell was better than ever.
They'd all talked and helped each other with the nightmares and affects the Krang had left. The only one left struggling in silence was Raph. He had to remain strong. Him and his brothers were a team and they needed each other to be strong for one another.
"C'mon Raph. Get it together. Hold it in for a few more hours. You've got hero work to do."
With a huff and a gentle slap to his face, the snapping turtle straightened his posture and walked out of the bathroom. He made his way towards the training room - hoping to get a good work out in to distract himself - only to be met with his brothers all training together. Mikey was the one to notice him first, flinging Leo away and moving to pull Raph in a hug with a wide grin on his face.
"Raph! You here to train with us?!" The snapping turtle smiled and nodded his head, wrapping his own arms around his brother. He watched as Leo groaned from his position on the floor, a chuckle escaping him.
"Owww...Really, Mikey?" The younger turtle pulled himself away from Raph and turned to the slider with a grin.
"Sorry, Leon. But, now that Raph is here, we can do two versus two!" It was then that Donnie sidled up to the pair, looking Raph over with a grimace. Raphael started sweating nervously as the softshell inspected him from head to toe.
"Why do you look...smaller", he questioned with his arms folded and eyebrow raised. Raph gave a nervous laugh and waved his hand in a dismissive manner.
"I've been, uh...dieting! Yeah, dieting. Just wanna stay in shape, yeah? Yeah..." The elder turtle gave a small, nervous smile and shook his head. Pulling out his sais, he jumped up and landed in the middle of the room with a grin on his face.
"Anyways! Less talky, more train...y? Whatever. Mikey! You're on my team!" The box turtle whooped with joy and stood next to his brother, stance widened for battle and nunchucks in hand. Leo huffed and stood, swords at the ready as he motioned for Donnie to come at his side. The genius huffed and held up his bo. Leo grinned and waved a sword at the snapping turtle.
"Ya ready to lose, big Raphie~?"
"As if! Let's do this, Mikey!" With a cheerful "cowabunga", the fight began. Mikey flung his nunchucks at the slider, attempting to wrap them around him, only for him to slide underneath and charge at Raph. Donnie spun around and charged at the box turtle, bo deflecting an aim for his face. The snapping turtle brought his sais up to deflect Leo's attack, pushing him away and delivering a blow to his lower plastron. The slider grunted and counterattacked by hitting Raph's chest with his elbow. The fight went on for several minutes, Donnie against Mikey and Leo against Raph. Neither side wanted to lose.
This had been their first real training in months and it was safe to say that the affects of no action was creeping up. Both teams were getting winded, their blows hard and unrelenting. Raph was starting to tire more so, his breath coming out in heavy pants. Then, Leo put him in a headlock.
His vision swayed and suddenly it was slimy pink tentacles wrapped around him, not his brothers arms. With a shout, Raphael grabbed the appendages tightly, pulling himself free and flipping his captor over his head. Snarling, he brought his fist up and punched the pink blob in its side. It shrieked as he wrapped his hands around it's would-be neck area and squeezed with all his might. It's tentacles tried prying him off but, he kept squeezing and squeezing, determined to kill it before it could hurt him. Never again. It wasn't allowed to harm him or his family ever again. A blow to his face sent him flying backwards, his grip on the monster gone and he fell onto his back. The snapping turtle groaned before glaring in the blob's direction, only to feel his heart drop.
His eyes widened in terror as the hallucination died down and he saw that Leo was sat holding his throat and coughing. Donnie was standing above Raph, eyebrows furrowed and bo held firmly within his grasp. He'd clearly been the one to knock him off of the slider. Mikey was holding onto Leo, frightened tears in his eyes. The slider groaned and looked up at his brother in confusion. Raph looked down at his hands, tears starting to blur his vision and body shivering in disbelief. He'd hurt him, almost killed him. Raph, the self proclaimed protector of his brothers, almost killed Leo. A sob rattled in his chest and he pushed himself up and out of the room, running into walls and doors in an attempt to leave the area. He had to go, had to leave the lair. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he left the sewers and jumped from rooftop to rooftop.
"Raph...We have to find Raph", Leo choked out, his throat burning slightly. Mikey helped him to his feet and inspected his throat.
"Are you okay, Leo?" The slider nodded and turned to Donnie. The softshell was glaring at the floor, eyebrows scrunched up in frustration.
"That big...dumb dumb...I knew something was wrong", he muttered, sounding as though he were chastising himself.
"Donnie, we need to find him. If you've got a way to track him, start it up. Tell me whatever it is that you know about what's going on with him." The younger twin nodded, typing away at his wrist tech. The three made their way out of the lair, only stopping to allow Mikey his request of checking around their home first. As they hopped from rooftop to rooftop, Donnie relayed what he believed to be going on.
"My guess is PTSD", he stated. "He's dealt with something along the lines of it before. I'd caught him dissociating once and I advised him how to help it. But...I think he's - Raph isn't... He isn't okay." The softshell felt himself become emotional, tears pricking behind his eyes. He'd known something was wrong for a while now. Knowing his older brother, he'd have thought his personal problems weren't as important as his brothers'. A common Raphael thought process. Raph never brought himself to tell anyone and Donnie wasn't known for being emotionally educated. Still, he shouldn't have waited untill it had gotten this bad.
With a frustrated grunt, the softshell shook his head and sighed. This wasn't the time to be feeling bad about himself. His big brother needed his help, goddammit. Leo glanced over at his brother and frowned. They'd work all this out once they found Raph. That was their priority. As they dashed and lept across buildings, Mikey began feeling uneasy. He'd noticed some things too and never said anything. Raph usually went to bed early in order to wake up early the next day. But, for several days, Mikey would see him shuffle towards the kitchen at late hours of the night. Not only that but, he had been drinking chamomile tea a lot. The snapping turtle didn't even like chamomile.
A loud ding sounded from Donnie's wrist, alerting the three. The softshell glanced down and typed away, his face losing the determined gleam and becoming one of sadness. With a bated breath, he looked at his other two brothers and scratched at his arm.
"He's...He's at Metro Tower..." Leo frowned and motioned for the other two to follow him. This wasn't that much of a surprise to the slider. He'd done his own digging around the subject of PTSD once, when he found Donnie - scared and panicked about the fights with Shredder - making shields for the lair. It wasn't uncommon for people with it to go to the site that caused the trauma. Soon, the three had reached their destination. Leo portaled them to the top and almost immediately spotted Raph.
The snapping turtle had his knees drawn up to his chest, head between them and arms wrapped tightly around himself. Sobs wracked his frame and his breathing was uneven. The sight of his big brother's state made Leo's chest ache and he reached out to place a gentle hand on the back of his head. This action did more harm that good, Raph seizing up before screaming and slapping the slider's hand away.
Raphael was back with the Krang. The monsters were trying to touch him, trying to put that damn Krang eye on him. They were going to turn him into a bloodthirsty monster. He screamed and thrashed. And then, the scene changed. It was Leo. The slider had tears in his eyes and arms outstretched towards him, trying to touch him. Raph shook his head, couldn't allow himself to be near his brother. The brother he almost killed -
"No", he screamed as he pulled himself back from Leo. "Don't touch me! Leave me alone!" His words were slurring together, making them sound jumbled and messy.
Eyes screwed shut in absolute fear, Raph curled in on himself and shivered. A loud, static like buzz filled his head and made it throb. It was happening again. Trying and failing to stand, he began to cough and gag as bile crept up his throat. A sharp, hot pain pierced through his stomach and he collapsed back onto his knees. He placed a hand over his mouth, trying to quiet his sounds and failing. Spit and drool leaked from his fingers, tears fell down his face onto the rooftop of the building. Tremors wracked his body and he mentally cursed himself for appearing weak in front of his brother.
"Raph...Raph, eveything is going to be okay." A voice...Mikey...? The box turtle's voice wavered and sounded stuffy, like he'd been crying. A sniffle was heard. Another voice spoke quietly. Donnie's.
"Leo, we need to get him somewhere quiet. Portal us home." The snapping turtle quickly shook his head, a wave of dizziness rushing over him from the action.
"Nooo...", he slurred, "Can't hurt...noone..." A gasp left him as his chest began to ache. Curling into a ball and pressing his hands against his plastron, Raph whimpered as another wave of dizziness rushed him.
"Hey big Raphie...It's me, Leon. Everything's gonna be okay. I'm gonna touch you now, yeah?" The slider's hand gently traced up his back. Raph shook and shuddered from the touch. It didn't scare him as bad as he thought it would.
"Me too, Raph. I'm here with you. We all are", Mikey said while slowly but surely placing a hand on the elder's shoulder.
"We know this seems scary, Raph. But I promise, it's not dangerous. You're doing so good, big brother." Donnie was the one to speak up, placing his hand on the snapping turtle's arm. Leo took a deep breath and rubbed Raph's back in small circles.
"You can get through this, big brother. Can you understand us?"
Raph swallowed the bile in his throat and nodded slowly. This made the others sigh in relief. The slider continued to speak softly.
"If you can, breath in and out with me? Slowly, yeah? I'll count to ten." The snapping turtle sucked in a shuddering breath, trying hard to listen to his brother's words. Slowly, he did as the slider instructed, breathing in time with his brother. The concentrated breathing coupled with the circles being rubbed into his skin and shell were helping to ease the pounding of his heart. The static in his head slowly began to fade out into white noise, his heart no longer pounding in his ears as harshly as before.
The brothers sat there for a while, gentle encouraging words aimed at their older brother. Soon, Raph's limbs unfurled from their position. He found himself laying on his back with his gaze up at the early evening sky. His brothers were sat around him, quietly watching him as his breathing continued to regulate itself. The familiar aches and exhaustion was starting to creep up, something he was becoming used to unfortunately.
He blinked a few times and ran his tongue over his lips. A deep breath and he was finally steady. It was then that Leo decided to speak up.
"How ya doing there, bud?" The snapping turtle gave a small smile as an answer, not quite ready to talk yet. This made the others sigh in relief, Mikey moving his head into his big brother's line of vision.
"I'm glad you're okay, Raph. Please don't worry us like that again." Donnie hummed in agreement and placed a hand on Raph's shoulder.
"I know I'm not the best with feelings and what not but...Please know that you don't have to go through things like this alone. We're your brothers. It doesn't matter if you're the oldest, you still need help at times too. We'll always be here and we're not gonna look down at you for showing yourself being vulnerable." Raph became flustered at his words, wanting to reject everything but, knew it was true. Tears pricked at his eyes and he pouted, almost seeming like a scolded child.
"Sorry", he croaked, throat sore. "I'm sorry for worrying ya...I'll get better. Promise..."
"Course you will", Leo piped up, laying down beside his brother and lightly flicking his forehead. "We'll be with you every step of the way to help make sure you do. No getting out of this one and trying to do it yourself, hermano." Moving to pull all four of them into a group hug, Mikey giggled and sighed.
"We'll work together on this, Raphie. As a family." If Raphael wasn't so dehydrated at this moment, he would have been sobbing uncontrollably. He gave a small chuckle and sighed.
"Thanks, guys." The four laid there on the rooftop watching as the sun began to set and Raph knew he was going to be okay.