Chapter Text
It was supposed to be a simple mission- really. They were just going to teleport inside the hall of records, locate the incriminating files against Ludinus Da’leth the Cobalt Soul had tipped them off about, and bamph out before anyone could notice. And since they needed to keep things on the downlow, it was decided that just Caleb and Jester would go in to prevent any sort of unnecessary risks.
It was supposed to be simple. They had done far more dangerous missions, broken into far more secure places when they were far less powerful and had far fewer connections. They had a plan- a good one, at that- and all they had accounted for everything that could possibly go wrong.
Well… almost everything.
He and Jester were in the middle of pulling documents from a large, heavy file folder when, quite suddenly, the door swung open. Standing in the doorway was a dark-skinned gnomish young woman with black and red braids looped in a complicated updo behind her head. Her brown eyes were wide behind her glasses and, based on Veth and Beau’s research, he could only assume that this was Dorothy Mintressel: the assistant record keeper.
“Who are you?” Dorothy cried, “What are you doing here?”
Caleb stared at her, eyes wide. The last thing that he wanted was to harm this random bookkeeper who had no idea what any of this was about. But at the same time, if the Cobalt Soul was correct about these documents, they could potentially send Da’leth to prison for good. This was too good of an opportunity to squander.
Beside him, Jester’s face transformed from the wide, deer in the lights look of someone caught into a sheepish smile.
“Oh my gosh, this is so embarrassing, Caleb,” she muttered, “We’ve been caught in a lover’s rendezvous!”
A what? For a moment, her using the word lover so closely to his name threw him for a loop. But as he started to piece together where Jester might be going with this, he realized that his wide eyes and now flushing cheeks had inadvertently helped them out. Because Dorothy, who had been eyeing them with an understandable degree of fear and suspicion given the circumstances, was now jumping up and down and squealing like a schoolgirl.
“That’s the cutest thing I’ve ever heard! Oooh, why is it a secret? What stands in our way?” she asked.
How honest should they be? How fantastical should they be? Honestly, was it even possible for things to become more sensational than what was actually going on? Truly, truth was stranger than fiction- at least, where the Mighty Nein was concerned.
“Her father is a crime boss,” Caleb whispered, settling for something in the middle, “Who doesn’t approve of some of his daughter’s… decisions.”
A tiny flash of sadness passed across Jester’s face at the mention of Babenon, but like his initial panic, it only seemed to aid their story.
“That’s absolutely tragic,” Dorothy said, clutching a hand to her heart, “How long has this been going on?”
“F-for years,” he mumbled, glancing at Jester. This was not his area of expertise- he could lie, of course, but his lies were usually far simpler, far more grounded. She was the one who was proficient in tall tales.
“Four years,” Jester added.
“For four years,” Caleb agreed, wrapping an arm around her shoulders in a way that he desperately hoped looked less stiff and awkward than he felt.
If it was, Dorothy didn’t seem to mind.
“Oh, that’s just so beautiful. A passionate romance hidden in the dark of the night because it is not safe in the daytime! Oh!” she squealed that last part in excitement, “I know what to do that will force your father to approve!”
“That’s wonderful!” Jester cried, a smile plastered on her face. It almost looked real, but Caleb knew there were a few too many teeth.
“Well, I’m not a cleric or a priest, but the temple of Erathis does ordain people, so I can officiate your wedding!”
Caleb opened his mouth to protest, but Jester was too quick.
“Oh my gosh, that’s so sweet of you!” she squealed.
This was fine. This was completely, totally fine. They would just let her do this, sign with fake names, and try again another time. This was still under control, even if their grip on that control was beginning to seriously slacken.
Dorothy giggled furiously.
“Wonderful! I’m going to run upstairs and get the certificate- you two do whatever you need to do; it’ll be ten, fifteen minutes.”
Thirteen minutes later, Caleb stared at Jester- the documents they needed crafted into a bouquet of folded paper flowers and a small veil to match. He was, admittedly, impressed by both the craftsmanship and the sneakiness- though, at this point neither should have been a surprise to him. But in his defense, he was standing in a dark, barely lit hall of records in front of a wall of cabinets about to get married to Jester Lavorre. Even if it was a false pretense, that situation was too much for his hopelessly devoted heart to wrap its head around.
“By the power vested in me by the temple of Erathis, I now pronounce you husband and wife!”
Caleb stared, still slightly too dumbfounded to move. The candlelight flickered across Jester’s face, and for a moment, the paper veil appeared like fabric and he could almost imagine that this was a real- stupid, useless, foolish, she would never.
“You may kiss the bride,” Dorothy prompted, looking up at him expectantly.
Suddenly, Caleb became very aware of his blinking as both women watched him, waiting for his next move. Mercifully, Jester turned to Dorothy.
“He’s so shy!” she explained fondly.
And just like that, she reached up and gave him a small peck on the lips, and it might as well have been a punch from Beauregard, given how stunned he felt. He was vaguely aware of the sound of applause that surely must have come from Dorothy, but it sounded distant compared to the drumming of his own internal panic.
It was fine. It was fine. As long as they didn’t sign the paperwork with their own names, this wouldn’t mean a thing. Sure, the others would tease them about it, but the marriage would not be legally binding.
“Here you go, just sign here and here,” Dorothy explained, pointing as she handed Jester a quill.
Grinning, Jester took it and, in big, looping letters, signed Jester Lavorre.
Shit. Well, he couldn’t leave her alone in this- if someone was to track this down and it was only her name on the paper... Panicked, he messily scrawled Caleb Widogast beside it.
“Congratulations, you two!” Dorothy squealed, “Now, go tell your father!”
They stumbled out into the moonlight, Jester clutching her veil of evidence as she smiled to herself.
When they rounded the corner, Veth was the first to notice them.
“Did you get the- what the fuck?”
Once they were safely in the tower, it was several hours before the others were done teasing- not that Caleb could blame them, but it was starting to be a bit much. So when Caduceus finally went to bed, he turned towards Jester.
“So, uh, that was some great quick thinking there, but we have a problem now.”
Jester stared at him over a mug of cocoa, a slightly puzzled expression on her face.
“Did we not get all the documents we needed?” she asked.
“N-no, we did that, but,” Caleb paused, taking a deep breath to calm his nerves, “Jester, we are legally married. At some point, we are going to need to change that if either of us ever want to- it’s something we are going to have to fix.”
She frowned into her drink. Had he been too harsh?
“It was a good idea,” Caleb clarified, “But we will have to do something about it in the future, is what I am saying.”
Jester nodded, slowly, carefully. Caleb watched as she mulled it over.
“So, you’re saying you want a divorce?”
Well, that was technically what he was saying, wasn’t it? Only it sounded much worse the way she put it.
“Ja, I suppose. Eventually. It is too soon now, of course.”
“So we’re going to have to check in about it?” Jester asked.
He nodded, exhaustion and confusion had begun to creep in, making words more difficult than normal.
Jester must have sensed this, standing up and putting on a bright smile.
“Great, then we can go out for our anniversary!”
And with that, she bounced away.
Caleb watched her as she went, silently shaking his head- though if it was due to disappointment or amusement, even he could not tell. He was trying to get a divorce from the woman he wanted to be with because they were married and yet not together…
Well, this should certainly be interesting.