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It was promised to her that she would love and be loved. Love. Such a powerful feeling and word capable of saving her soul. The possibility of comforting her after a long day under the sun. Love. She heard once that she was named after someone that knew that realm really well.
Yes, love.
So why did she feel only pain?
Every walking second had something that reminded her, even if for a while, of her children. Nothing felt the same, ever since they were taken for her. And even though she was still alive, after a while, she came to notice that the days had mixed together and she couldn’t tell them apart.
It seemed fitting for her situation. How does one wake up from a nightmare?
But Forneus kept a routine. She noticed it made things easier to navigate in life. Wake up, travel to one of her usual places in each biome, stay there for a few days. Repeat.
And the black cat was maintaining that. Her big and tired feet helped her travel to Darkwood, the darkness and the variety of shades of green always bringing some comfort to her heart. Even before she had lost herself. It was funny. Her dark eyes could even light up for a while. Green. It reminded her of-
She shook her head lightly. Not now. She didn’t want to think of that.
But her now shining eyes would always betray her, when they got interested in the tall construction ahead. A statue built in the image of the Red Crown and it’s God. A statue surrounded by bright red camellia. So well hidden that the big cat wondered if she had stumbled in a sacred place. Interesting. She never had run through one of them and she wondered if it meant something. A statue, a resting place. She heard stories that one of the bishops had constructed it, that they had maintained it for their brother. Forneus always wondered if these stories were true. If it was true, that would mean the Gods could suffer from the same pain that made her heart heavy and weak, ready to give up.
She had met some of it’s crown bearers in her short life span. And the pain they brought her.
They had told her that, one day, the Red Crown would come back, and claim a new animal as being worthy to have it’s presence. And with that, her kittens would come back.
But the Red Crown had gone silent, the summer breeze and the memories being the only thing that remained. Yes, the memories. Oh, to forget them would be to live blissfully, but it would also mean to abandon her kittens’ memory.
She longed for any answer from The One Who Waits Below. She longed to know what had become of her children.
So she waited. Waiting wasn’t an attribute greeted only to Gods. In every trip she would take between the biomes, she was always sure to stop and admire the big temple that chained the old God. To wait for Him would mean she would be granted by her children's presence once again. How could she do otherwise? The space her sweet babies had left on her soul was always present, always pulsing, and she could nearly feel that pain physically. Forneus always wondered, if He could feel it, how much her body suffered now that her kittens were long gone. Was He so heartless to not care about her pain?
In her stop, she gazed at the sky. The day seemed troubled, more than normally, and that made her anxious. The wind was strong, strong enough to make some of the strong trees nearby to turn and move. The sky was an ugly gray blanket that hid even the shining sun and all it's glory. It was nearly impossible to determine where a cloud started and where it ended, for it was a big and confusing blur in the dark blanket. Maybe it was an extension of her heart: a constant and lost storm. Maybe that's why it intrigued her so much.
A weird sound, was what brought her back to reality, what broke her monotone view for the first time in that cold evening. A brown blur was possible to see between the bushes, but she didn't bother to approach it. Her body had become so heavy. Has it always been like that?
But the blur decided to reveal itself and she, in her innocence, didn't look at first, smiling and greeting the traveling animal. Till her smile faded.
Ratau.
It had been a while since they last saw each other. Looked at each other's eyes. Ratau, coward, too weak to start a conversation. Forneus, too bitter to start one. But it seemed like things had changed.
Ratau had watched in silence when Forneus stopped to welcome the new customer, till her gaze lied upon the brown rat. Her gaze then changed, from the warming eyes he had grown used to, to a void, impossible to read and decipher at the moment. None dared to break the unbearable silence that lay between them, for any movement could bring unnecessary fights. His left eye still ached from their last argument.
They remained still, two beings acting as if looking at a stranger, an enemy. The silence had become too loud, however, and Ratau made a weak attempt in cleaning his used voice.
"Forneus", Ratau started, his voice weak and his breath uneasy. "I need your help".
Her expression twitched and she looked around, searching for a way out of this situation. Ratau grew anxious next to her, she could feel it. His small body shaking, in a fight or flight sensation. That wasn't him, Forneus hadn't felt him like that since-
"What have ye done?", she asked, her voice as neutral as ever, as she went back to work, closing and opening some of the boxes that she always brought in her caravan. They were so distant now. And to think they were as close as siblings once.
"I-I did a terrible thing", he said, and for the first time that evening, Forneus looked at him with a weak interest. "You don't need to help me, b-but please, I need you to help them".
Ah, yes, the lamb. She hadn't noticed them at first, hiding and hugging the back of their guardian, as if their life depended on it. Their gaze always so intense for a child. The black cat thought fondly of them, for they once were her kittens' friend.
"What help do ye need?", she asked, her question earning a relief sigh from the small rat.
"Hide them", he said without a second passing by, as if the answer was already digging deep in the tip of his tongue.
Why? Why would she help them? Helping the lamb meant helping that damned rat. Why should she, when he betrayed her?
Her long and black fur slowly seemed to grow. Her eyes, even if fixed on Ratau, weren't seeing the poor animal that backed away, as if by doing so, that would calm the cat down.
Forneus wanted to say so many things on that windy night. So many things that got stuck into her throat for 4 years after her kittens’ were sacrificed. All the pain that the Red Crown had brought her. All of her life she had to sacrifice for it.
Only for it to destroy everything.
"You don't need to help me", he said in her silence. She blinked and tilted her head to the left. "I only want you to help-", and his voice broke and Ratau pressed his working eye closed, as if to hold his emotions at bay. Ratau wasn't going to cry over that in front of his child, if he could even call them that after all his mistakes. "Please, take them", he managed to say lowly. "They're all I have left".
The small lamb pulled his shirt, their big eyes shining between the dark robe they were wearing to hide them. The lamb didn't seem to grasp what was bothering their father and why the once friendly cat seemed so angry. Have they got into a fight? Have they done something to upset them? Ratau, however, opened his eye finally, and could look at the little one, who let out a soft sigh before extending their arms to be picked up. And the old rat smiled. He wanted to protect that child with his life.
And Forneus could understand that. She didn't need anyone to describe what she was seeing. She didn't need anyone to describe the love of a parent for their child. The things someone is capable of doing to protect them. The most pure kind of love. The black cat knew it well.
That thought made her heart ache.
She could deny them. Ratau was asking for her help, not demanding it. So she could deny it.
But how could she do it when she knew how much they loved each other? What could she do when that scene made her think of her own children, now long gone?
No, she couldn't do it.
"Come inside", the cat said softly, her gaze fixed on something only she could see for a few seconds. "It's getting cold".
The rat looked at her for a while, unsure if he imagined her words, till his confirmation came when she gestured for them to enter her caravan. He smiled, smiled and cried openly for the first time in a while, picking up the lamb and murmuring 'it's going to be okay' over and over again in their ear, reassuring both of them.
While both of them entered her caravan, she sighed and looked at the sky and the shape-shifting clouds that ruled over them, unbothered by their angst and suffering. She longed to be a being of love and, while the clouds gave her no answers, her mind was infested with these thoughts. Slowly, but surely, her sadness and misery were shifted into some warmth, like a cloud that dances through the sky, that survives the hardship of the journey.
She wanted to give her heart to those kind ones that still looked fondly at her, even after all the things she had done. For what good are hearts if they cannot be given?