Archive of Our Own

A soft sigh fell from Jungkook’s lips as he stared at the paper in front of him. He’d spent countless days staring at the blank page, trying desperately to think of something to draw for his final piece. The semester was coming to an end and, though Jungkook knew he only had a week left until he needed to hand in his piece, he hadn’t even started.

No, that was a lie. He had started. And then started again. And again. He’d tried so many times and nothing had been good enough.

The bell rang indicating the end of the class, and Jungkook felt like throwing up. He wasn’t going to pass if he couldn’t get a single line on the paper. Jungkook had spent so long fighting with his parents, trying to tell them that he wanted to major in fine arts. If he went to them and told him he failed, it would be a bigger disappointment than saying he wanted to be an artist.

Shoving his sketchbook into his backpack, Jungkook stormed from the class, feeling his head spinning and his stomach turning. But it felt as if all of his worries melted away the moment he stepped out of the front doors of the building, his eyes immediately falling on the figure leaned against a lamppost, waiting for him.

The smile that spread over Namjoon’s lips was dazzling, his dimples showing so clearly as he met Jungkook’s eyes. Fuck, Jungkook felt his heart soar in his chest as he rushed down the steps to meet up with his friend.

Just a friend. Nothing more. No matter how much Namjoon made Jungkook’s stomach flip and head spin.

Jungkook had met Namjoon in daycare when they were still children. And even back then, when Jungkook was barely out of diapers, he was sure he had been in love with Namjoon. He would always seek him out the moment his mother would drop him off, and anytime Namjoon would be absent from daycare, Jungkook would cry on his own under the play structure.

He wasn’t even sure when he’d actually realized it, or when it had started. But somewhere along the way to university, Jungkook learned what love meant. And from there, it was easy to deduce what he felt.

Jungkook loved Namjoon. He had for a very long time.

The issue was that Jungkook had no idea what Namjoon felt, and he wasn’t about to lose his best friend by confessing. He’d tried so many times to pry some information out of Namjoon to no avail. It somehow ended with Namjoon rambling about a completely unrelated subject, leaving Jungkook answerless.

Loving Namjoon was not easy, especially when he felt an ache in his chest every time their eyes would meet, knowing that he couldn’t just reach out and take Namjoon’s hand.Namjoon would wait for Jungkook after class and, every single time, Jungkook would long to throw his arms around Namjoon, but never once had he actually done it.

“How was class?” Namjoon hummed, hands tucked in his pockets as he stepped over to where Jungkook was approaching. Did friends normally ask things like that?

“It sucked. I got nothing done,” Jungkook grumbled as he began to follow Namjoon. They walked without thinking, always heading to the nearby coffee shop after their day had finished. It was the best place for them to work on their school work together, seeing as they practically lived off of caffeine.

“Still got nothing for your final project?” 

“Absolutely nothing,” Jungkook grumbled, watching the ground under his feet. “At this point, I think I should accept that I’m the family disappointment.”

“Wow, I never thought I’d hear you give up.” Namjoon’s tone was light, his shoulder bumping against Jungkook’s as they walked. “How about I help you tonight? We can drink a bit and bounce some ideas off of each other.”

It wasn’t a bad idea. Namjoon would often go to art museums in his spare time, so Jungkook knew he would be able to help. It was a bit strange to be talking to his philosophy major friend about his fine arts project.

“That sounds good, yeah,” he finally agreed, a small smile on his lips. It would also mean having some drinks with Namjoon, which was one of Jungkook’s favourite pastimes. Hearing Namjoon ramble about anything and everything as his words slowly got more slurred was like heaven. A drug that Jungkook couldn’t get enough of.

“I already have some drinks at my place if you wanna come over after coffee,” Namjoon suggested as they slipped into the little café, making their way to the first open booth they saw.

With their plans now set up for the night, the two got to work trying to finish their homework. As Namjoon flipped quietly through Plato’s Republic, Jungkook stared down at his sketchbook once more. He had so many thoughts swirling around in his head, but not a single one jumped forward to actually be used. He couldn’t make sense of anything in his mind.

“Remember that one piece you did in high school?” Namjoon spoke up suddenly, pulling Jungkook’s attention away from the paper. 

“Any more details?” Jungkook couldn’t help but laugh at Namjoon’s vague words, earning himself a small smile.

“I can’t remember exactly what it looked like, but you used a gold foil on it.” Namjoon paused for a moment to think about it, but Jungkook didn’t need any further details. He knew exactly what Namjoon was talking about.

Back in high school, Jungkook had gotten a gold foil that he was wanting to use for one of his projects. He settled on making an autumn landscape with gold accents. Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before Jungkook realized that gold foil was the bane of his existence. He’d tried and failed so many times and, though he ended up getting a decent mark on that piece, he hated it enough that he ended up throwing it out without a second thought. The mere memory of that piece had Jungkook shivering, disgust painting across his face.

“You know I hated that shit.”

“Which is why I think it would be good for your final project.” Namjoon smiled prettily. Jungkook felt his heart soar as he stared at Namjoon’s beautiful face. Namjoon definitely knew what he was doing when he smiled like that. He knew Jungkook couldn’t say no.

And, well… It wasn’t a horrible idea. To use a medium that he had previously struggled with would be a good way to show his artistic progress.

“What would I even do, though?” Jungkook tapped the tip of his pencil against the blank paper. It was so frustrating not having a single useable idea for his project. 

“What’s something that inspires you?” Namjoon asked, leaning back in the booth. “Or something you love?”

Jungkook fell silent, staring at Namjoon across from him. He couldn’t even bring himself to answer, his heart racing way too quickly.

“Just think on it a bit longer,” Namjoon suggested before turning back to his book. And that was it; he ended the conversation there, but Jungkook couldn’t get the last question out of his head.

Something he loved? Across from him was the love of Jungkook’s life. The sunlight reflected off of Namjoon’s lavender hair and warmed his already golden skin. He was completely oblivious to the eyes on him, still flipping quietly through his book. His dark eyes flicked over the words, seemingly absorbing them all effortlessly.

Jungkook could feel his heart hammering in his chest as his eyes fell to Namjoon’s lips. They were parted slightly and looked so soft. Countless nights had been spent wondering what Namjoon’s lips might feel like, whether they were as pillowy as they looked. 

Something Jungkook loved? 

Well, Namjoon, of course.

Just like that, as if dragged by the feelings that coursed through his veins, Jungkook slowly began to sketch.

He sketched high cheekbones and a small, button nose. Eyes that were sharp like those of a dragon but held endless amounts of kindness. Lips that Jungkook could only dream of kissing.

Pressing his lips together, heart racing, Jungkook stared down at the messy sketch of Namjoon. There was no way he was actually going to draw Namjoon for his final project, right?

Right?

That’s what he told Namjoon later on that night, at least. As they laid back on Namjoon’s bed, a couple empty beer cans already gathered on the bedside table, and Namjoon finally brought up the project again.

“So, did you think over what you’re going to do?” Namjoon tapped his finger gently against the cover of Jungkook’s sketchbook, making his heart lurch. If Namjoon opened that book, he might see the sketch from the coffee shop. Would he think it was weird that Jungkook had drawn him? 

“A little bit.” Jungkook tried to act casual as he took the sketchbook, pulling it into his lap and away from Namjoon’s hands. Crisis averted. “I still don’t have any ideas.”

Quietly, Namjoon hummed, lifting a fresh can of beer to his lips as he thought. 

“A whale,” Namjoon mumbled, finger tapping gently against the can. Blinking, Jungkook tried to make sense of what Namjoon was talking about. A whale? 

“What are you talking about?” Jungkook tipped his head to the side, watching as Namjoon set his drink down again, gathering his thoughts.

“I was reading today about a whale. Its song is in a completely different sound range than what other whales can hear. So, he sings endlessly for other whales, but no one can hear him,” Namjoon explained, pulling his knees up to his chest with a small smile. “He was named the loneliest whale.”

Jungkook felt his heart ache as Namjoon told him about the poor animal, forever meant to call to others without any response.

“I think you could make something incredibly beautiful from that idea.” Namjoon gave a small smile, sending Jungkook’s heart into a frenzy. God, the way the dim lights accentuated his pretty dimples made Jungkook’s head spin. How was Namjoon so effortlessly pretty?

“I think I could use that,” Jungkook murmured, though he still wasn’t exactly sure what to do. A painting of a whale wasn’t exactly something personal. He’d figure it out.

Silence fell around them as Namjoon sipped at his drink for a moment, eyes staring off at the other side of the room. There was a dark hint to his gaze, something so incredibly forlorn in his eyes, something Jungkook couldn’t quite place. He glanced over his shoulder at the dark corner of the room before he looked back at Namjoon.

“Hyung?” He asked hesitantly, tapping his foot gently against Namjoon’s knee and, in an instant, his attention was torn back to reality, dark eyes staring at Jungkook. But that heavy sadness didn’t leave. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just thinking about the whale,” Namjoon laughed quietly, eyes falling down to his drink. “You know, I feel like I understand him. It feels like, no matter how hard I try, I’m alone. I’m calling out into the endless ocean, trying to find someone to love, but no one hears me.”

Jungkook swallowed heavily as he stared at Namjoon, listening to his quiet ramblings. His eyes were once again growing unfocused and, as Namjoon continued to explain the deep loneliness he was feeling, his voice grew quieter. He was no longer speaking to Jungkook, instead, explaining his own loneliness to himself.

How long had Namjoon felt like that? He and Jungkook had always been together, always there for one another, but Namjoon seemed to be looking for something more. Just having Jungkook there as a friend wasn’t enough. Namjoon wanted a romantic relationship and Jungkook felt utterly helpless. He wanted to be that for Namjoon.

Jungkook remained silent, staring across the bed at Namjoon. He understood that loneliness as well. He’d spent almost his entire life longing for someone he couldn’t have, someone just out of reach.

The room felt heavy as the two continued to drink, their brains slowly becoming fuzzier as more cans built up around them. Maybe, if they continued to drink, they would both forget about how lonely they were.

Jungkook started his painting the very next day. He had spent the entire semester at a complete loss for what to do, but suddenly it felt as if he couldn’t calm his racing train of thoughts. He let the brush carry itself across the canvas, starting with basic shapes before he slowly added in more and more detail. Suddenly, the grey blob that he’d painted was taking shape as a head, cracked down the middle, an infinite galaxy inside.

Reaching for the coffee at his right, Jungkook felt his eyes growing heavy. He’d spent hours on the painting, long enough that he was sure the sun would begin to rise soon. He was exhausted, but there was no stopping. He was so far behind, and he needed to hand in the painting by the end of the week.

Taking that small sip from his now-cold coffee gave Jungkook at least a little bit of a break. He glanced down at his phone for the first time since he’d gotten home, tapping the screen to see what notifications had come in.

From : Joonie-hyung

I’m bored. What are you up to?

[ Received : 2:37 AM ]

Jungkook blinked in surprise. Namjoon was very rarely awake past midnight, so to have a message from him at half past 2 was a bit surprising. It was long past Jungkook had received the message, but he answered regardless.

To : Joonie-hyung

sry i was painting i didnt see this

[ Sent: 5:52 AM ]

From : Joonie-hyung

That’s okay. Can I come over?

[ Received : 5:53 AM ]

If Jungkook had been surprised before, it was nothing compared to what he was feeling after that message. A bit worried by the quick response and strange time, Jungkook quickly messaged back, telling Namjoon to come over.

Barely any time passed before a gentle knock sounded at Jungkook’s front door. His painting was quickly forgotten as he rushed to let Namjoon in, finding his friend standing in the hallway, looking… perfectly fine? A bit tired, but otherwise normal.

“Hey,” Namjoon said easily, seemingly unaware of the hammering of Jungkook’s worried heart.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, just bored.” Namjoon followed Jungkook into the small bachelor pad, flopping back on the messy bed. His answer did little to calm Jungkook’s unease. 

“Why are you awake? Have you slept?” He asked, settling down on the bed next to Namjoon, placing a hand on the man’s forehead. Maybe he was sick? He felt fine, though.

The touch seemed to bring a smile to Namjoon’s lips, his eyes slipping closed.“No, I haven’t. I was trying to finish my essay for class today, but I couldn’t seem to get anything done,” Namjoon grumbled, cracking open an eye to glance up at Jungkook. “I sat in the library all night, forcing myself to work on it.”

Classic Namjoon. The visual image of a frustrated Namjoon typing away at his laptop in the library was cute. Jungkook could feel himself smiling. 

“Why don’t you rest a bit? You can sleep here.” 

Namjoon’s apartment wasn’t far away by any means, but when he already looked exhausted, Jungkook wasn’t going to make him walk home. Admittedly, he also didn’t want Namjoon to leave.

“Have you slept?” Namjoon asked quietly, tired eyes blinking up at Jungkook. The sight of Namjoon laying on his bed, looking sleepy and far too pretty, made Jungkook’s heart stutter.

“Not yet,” Jungkook whispered weakly, suddenly all too aware that his hand was still resting on Namjoon’s forehead. He should move it, yet he couldn’t bring himself to. He liked the feeling of Namjoon’s warm skin against his own, and the gentle brush of his hair against Jungkooks’s fingers.

Quietly, Namjoon hummed, shifting back on the mattress a little bit.The implication behind it made Jungkook’s mouth go dry.

Sure, they’d slept in the same bed, but that had been when they were still kids. Now, they were fully grown. 

Jungkook could feel his entire body burning at the thought of laying next to Namjoon.But when Jungkook didn’t move, Namjoon let out a small laugh, patting the mattress next to him.

“Come nap with me.”

Jungkook was going to faint. With a light, dizzy feeling coursing through his entire body, he nodded. How could he refuse when Namjoon looked so beautiful and asked so sweetly? No, he hadn’t even asked. He had demanded, and Jungkook couldn’t say no.

Shutting off the lights, Jungkook moved back over to the bed, feeling his heart racing in his chest as he slipped under the covers where Namjoon had already gotten himself comfortable. Jungkook was sure the pounding of his heart could be heard through the mattress, vibrating under them. He was sure Namjoon could hear it, but he didn’t say a single thing.

Jungkook tried to close his eyes and not think about the situation he was in, but listening to Namjoon’s quiet breaths was incredibly distracting. And he could feel Namjoon shifting around a little bit, his fingers only centimetres away from Jungkook’s. God, he could move just a little bit, and he would be holding Namjoon’s hand. 

Eventually, the sun began to rise. The entire time, Jungkook had laid on his bed, completely frozen and unable to actually fall asleep. He was simply listening to Namjoon exist next to him. He was fast asleep, exhausted from his long day of writing, and with the sun finally filtering through the window, Jungkook could see him once more.

Namjoon’s cheek was squished against the pillow, his lips parted as gentle snores slipped from his lips. They used to be much worse. Jungkook could remember times when they would have sleepovers and he would be kept up by Namjoon’s intense snores. He never said it out loud, but when Namjoon finally got surgery for his nose, Jungkook was a bit relieved. Not just for himself, but he was sure it was much more comfortable for Namjoon.

But now, it was so gentle, barely even a noise following his soft breaths. He looked so peaceful, and seeing him completely relaxed made Jungkook smile. Namjoon always seemed to carry a tension in his body, one that he never even seemed to notice was there. But when he slept, that tension disappeared. 

Jungkook couldn’t hold back a small smile as he carefully brushed Namjoon’s hair from his forehead. He was so beautiful. Jungkook felt an intense warmth spread through his chest.

With a quiet hum, Namjoon shifted closer. Just that small movement was enough to send Jungkook’s poor heart into a frenzy. Oh god, Namjoon was so close to him, hand gripping the pillowcase gently. 

So cute.

Swallowing heavily, Jungkook knew he couldn’t continue to stare at Namjoon as he slept. Silently berating himself for acting weird, Jungkook rolled over, pulling the covers up to his chin. And though he could still hear Namjoon’s soft snores, he was finally able to give into his own exhaustion. The coffee finally seemed to be wearing off, and Jungkook let his eyes close and his body relax.

Sleeping in the same bed as Namjoon was definitely different when they were younger. Particularly when waking up.

When they were kids, they would sometimes wake up all cuddled up together under the sheets, Jungkook’s head tucked into the crook of Namjoon’s neck. They would laugh about it and move on.

But waking up with Namjoon’s arms wrapped around his waist when they were adults was a bit different. 

At first, Jungkook didn’t really register it, a soft hum leaving his lips as he shifted closer to the warmth behind him. But it was when he felt something pressing against his thigh that he actually fully clued in. Jungkook felt his heart in his throat and his eyes snapped open. 

The warmth behind him and the arms around his waist were Namjoon. And he knew exactly what was pressed against his thigh.

He couldn’t breathe.

Jungkook tried to form a single thought, his head spinning. He had to move, had to leave. He couldn’t just let Namjoon’s boner keep rubbing against his thigh. 

It took some effort to pull himself out of Namjoon’s strong arms, Jungkook was able to get out of the bed. Thankfully, Namjoon just rolled over, a quiet mumble leaving his lips as he tugged the pillow close to his chest. He was still fast asleep. 

Jungkook took a moment to let his racing heart calm down, flopping back into his desk chair so he could simply gather his thoughts. 

Holy fuck, there was no way that had actually happened. Jungkook had always thought that was something that only happened in fanfiction and shitty pornos. He never expected it to happen in real life. To happen to him.

Eyes flicking down to his own lap, Jungkook felt his entire body heat up when he realized that it wasn’t only Namjoon who had gotten turned on overnight. 

Cursing to himself, Jungkook rushed to the bathroom, needing to leave the room. He needed privacy and probably a cold shower.

He took his time in the shower, scrubbing his body furiously as he tried to remove the memory from his mind. The longer he thought about it, the more his body would continue to react. Sure, he had touched himself while thinking about Namjoon before, but he refused to let himself do it while he was in the next room over. He had higher standards for himself than that.

But fuck, was the idea tempting. 

Turning the water colder, Jungkook shivered as it hit his skin. It was almost painful, but it finally did the trick, getting his heated body to cool down enough that he could finally step out of the freezing water. 

Jungkook distracted himself with his skincare and getting his hair dried, but maybe he wasted too much time in the bathroom. When he stepped out in nothing but a towel, Jungkook was face to face with a very awake Namjoon. He was sitting up in the bed, his eyes wide as he stared at Jungkook. 

Was he checking Jungkook out?

“You’ve been working out,” was all Namjoon said at first, eyes flicking over Jungkook’s abs and chest. So much for cooling himself down. Namjoon’s gaze had Jungkook’s whole body burning again.

“Sorry, I thought you would still be asleep,” Jungkook apologized, busying himself with grabbing the first clothes he could find in his closet. He needed to get his eyes off of Namjoon, especially when he was being watched so intently.

“No, don’t worry about it. I was waiting for the bathroom.” Behind him, there was a bit of shuffling as Namjoon got himself out of bed and Jungkook barely saw him pass by, slipping into the bathroom. Jungkook felt his stomach turn, eyes lifting to where the door closed. He was sure he knew what was happening behind that door. 

Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it. Please, stop thinking about it.

Jungkook turned his eyes back to the closet, thinking about anything but Namjoon as he pulled on some sweats and a hoodie, scrubbing his hands over his face. He was down so bad for Namjoon and it was driving him absolutely insane. As Jungkook tried to gather himself, Namjoon slipped out of the bathroom, the sound pulling Jungkook’s attention away from his own racing mind.

“Your painting,” Namjoon murmured, pointing to the large canvas that was leaned against the wall. It wasn’t much more than blobs of colour, but it was a start. While Jungkook knew what everything was, Namjoon probably just saw splashes of purple, blue, and white. “What did you decide on?”

Jungkook swallowed, staring at the painting. How should he explain it?

“I went off of the whale idea you gave,” Jungkook murmured, stepping over to where his palette was. All of the paint he had poured the night before was dried up, leaving a thick crust of colour on the plastic. 

Jungkook wasn’t sure exactly how he wanted to describe the painting to Namjoon. Honestly, he would like for it to be a surprise, though he wasn’t sure if Namjoon would feel weird about Jungkook using his likeness for the face.

In the end, Jungkook ended up saying, “I’ll show you when it’s done.”

“A bit of mystery, huh?” Namjoon laughed quietly, leaning against the wall, head tipped to the side. It was such a simple gesture but it made Jungkook’s stomach flutter. How did Namjoon manage to look good doing absolutely nothing? “Well, I should let you get back to working on it.”

“And you should get back to working on your essay.” Just the mention had Namjoon’s shoulders slumping, bringing a smile to Jungkook’s lips. 

“I don’t even want to think about this fucking essay anymore.”

“I know, but you’ve gotta get it done,” Jungkook smiled, stepping closer to where Namjoon was. He felt his cheeks warm as Namjoon’s eyes lifted to flick over his face. Silence filled the space between them, neither of them moving. 

That was until Namjoon lifted a hand, fingers gently brushing a loose strand of Jungkook’s hair from his forehead, a smile on his lips.

“Your hair is getting long,” he commented, oblivious to the way Jungkook’s entire being was vibrating. His heart was going to beat out of his chest.

“Yeah, I, uh…” Jungkook’s mind seemed to be going blank. Namjoon was playing with the lock of hair, twirling it mindlessly around his finger. “Cut it. I should cut it.”

“If you want,” Namjoon murmured, letting his hand drop. It felt like Jungkook could finally breathe again. “I like how it looks when it’s long.”

“I’ll keep it, then.” Jungkook said those words a bit too quickly, his heart hammering in his chest. 

Namjoon liked his hair long. He liked how Jungkook looked.

His heart was going to burst.

A soft laugh slipped from Namjoon’s lips as he pushed himself away from the wall.

“Good. You look good with long hair,” Namjoon smiled and Jungkook felt like he was two seconds away from fainting. But Namjoon seemed to be even more aware of his words, smile faltering as he spoke again. “Not to say you look bad with shorter hair. You always look good. I mean—”

“I have to get back to painting now!” Jungkook quickly cut him off, barely processing a single thing that was happening anymore. He needed Namjoon to leave before he completely passed out from how much his head was racing. “Go work on your essay.”

Namjoon blinked for a moment before nodding, giving a quiet thank you before leaving. The moment the door closed behind Namjoon, Jungkook let himself sink to the floor, a ridiculous smile on his lips as he stared up at the ceiling. 

Holy fuck. Namjoon had said he always looked good.

Resisting the urge to kick his feet in excitement, Jungkook simply covered his face, releasing a delighted squeal into his palms. 

He would have to make sure the painting was perfect.

Jungkook knew he really shouldn’t have been missing the last week of class, but his painting wasn’t one that he could haul all the way to class and then back to his apartment. So, he sent a quick email to his professor, explaining that he would be working on his project from home and he would bring it in by Friday. She didn’t seem thrilled by this idea, but Jungkook didn’t care too much.

So, the next couple days were spent in his apartment, hands covered in paint and dark circles under his eyes. But even with his intense work on the painting, Jungkook didn’t miss a single day at the café with Namjoon. He made sure to get himself all tidied up to get to the coffee shop on campus. 

He and Namjoon had spoken very little over the past few days, all of their conversations shoved into those short meetings over coffee before Jungkook would head back to his apartment to work on the painting. He had to make sure every detail was perfect, that he was ready to show it to Namjoon.

It was Thursday afternoon in the coffee shop whenJungkook noticed something was a bit off with Namjoon. He’d finished his essay, so he definitely shouldn’t have been as out of it as he was, but as they sat across from each other, Namjoon stared into the distance. He looked completely zoned out, his eyes unfocused. It reminded Jungkook of that night when they’d been drinking. It reminded him of the deep loneliness he’d seen in Namjoon’s eyes that night.

His stomach turned painfully as he tapped his fingers against the table, pulling Namjoon’s attention away from the far wall.

“Are you okay?” Jungkook asked, feeling his knee bump Namjoon’s under the table. Normally, that would send his heart into a frenzy, but he could barely think of anything other than the pain in his friend’s eyes. He could see Namjoon’s throat bob as he swallowed, eyes falling to where Jungkook’s fingers had tapped the tabletop.

“Yeah, just having an off day,” Namjoon murmured. Jungkook knew there was more to it. He could hear it in Namjoon’s voice and see it on his face. He wasn’t telling Jungkook everything, and that made Jungkook’s heart ache.

Namjoon never kept anything from Jungkook. What was he keeping a secret? And why?

Unsure if he should pry, Jungkook simply nodded, feeling as if his heart was breaking in his chest. He couldn’t understand why Namjoon would keep secrets from him. They had always been honest with each other.

Well, except for the major secret of Jungkook’s feelings.

“If you want to talk about it at all, I’m always here,” Jungkook tried, hoping that would at least leave an opening for discussion between them.

“I know.” Namjoon gave a small smile, though it didn’t reach his eyes. The sound of Namjoon’s phone buzzing against the table pulled their attention away. Namjoon picked up his phone and, after a moment, tucked it away in his pocket. “I should get going.”

It was so sudden, catching Jungkook off guard. Normally they would stay for a few hours together, but it had barely been half an hour. Had Jungkook done something wrong? 

Jungkook watched Namjoon gather his belongings for a moment before he stood up.

“Want to come over tonight?” He asked quickly, his words stopping Namjoon in his tracks, his hands frozen where they were tucking his book into his bag. Jungkook could see so many emotions crossing Namjoon’s eyes but he couldn’t place a single one.

“Sorry, I’m a bit busy,” Namjoon murmured, lips pressed together, as if considering his next words. But nothing could have prepared Jungkook for what Namjoon was about to say. “I have a date tonight.”

In an instant, it felt as if Jungkook’s entire world came crashing down. His heart was shattered on the floor at Namjoon’s feet, crushed by the weight of those words.

Namjoon had a date. Jungkook didn't even know Namjoon was seeing anyone. 

He’d waited so long, scared to admit his own feelings. And now he had to watch as Namjoon slipped through his fingers.

“I’ll talk to you later.” 

Namjoon couldn’t even meet Jungkook’s eyes as he left. Did he know? Did he know that he just tore Jungkook’s heart in two? 

Jungkook’s entire body was left feeling cold as he watched the door close behind Namjoon, his figure disappearing into the distance. He felt sick, his stomach turning and his head spinning. Why had he stayed quiet so long? Why hadn’t he confessed?

A part of Jungkook felt as if Namjoon would always be there for him, always be his, never really considering that they weren’t actually together. Namjoon had no real attachment to Jungkook.

They were just friends, nothing more. And it was all Jungkook’s fault.

Feeling tears welling up, Jungkook was quick to leave the café. He needed to be alone. No. He needed Namjoon. 

But he’d lost that chance.

The night passed so slowly, Jungkook’s eyes staring at the painting across the room, at Namjoon’s gold-lined features. He couldn’t move from his bed; he was completely frozen. 

He felt empty, at a complete loss for what to do with himself. 

Just that morning, he’d been painting Namjoon’s eyes, peacefully unaware of the fact that Namjoon had found someone else. Unaware that he had let the love of his life get away from him.

Jungkook felt empty. Broken.

Tears could no longer fall, leaving Jungkook completely numb as he laid on his bed. 

How could his heart break so easily and so quickly? A few simple words and Jungkook felt as if his life was coming to an end.

I have a date tonight.  

Did they make Namjoon happy? Did he smile when he thought about them?

Who was it?

The eyes on the painting stared into Jungkook, tearing apart his heart and soul. Taunting him. His stomach hadn’t stopped turning since he left the café and those gold eyes only made him feel even more sick. Those eyes that Jungkook had painted with love stared back at him, cold and empty. 

Gritting his teeth, Jungkook felt a wave of anger wash over him, mixing in with the endless ocean of hurt. How had he fooled himself? He’d let himself believe that Namjoon could love him back, that somehow, his silent feelings would get through to Namjoon. How could he have been so fucking stupid?

It was his fault. He’d let Namjoon get away, he’d let his feelings go unspoken. 

Namjoon hadn’t broken Jungkook’s heart. No, the blade that pierced his heart was held by his own hands.

Dragging himself out of bed, Jungkook picked up a pair of scissors from his desk, holding the paint-stained handles in his hand as he looked back at the painting. Those eyes stared back at him, unloving. 

Gritting his teeth, Jungkook’s grip on the scissors tightened, the blades lifted over his head, ready to tear the canvas to pieces.

But a knock on his door stopped him.

His hands trembled, staring down at the painting. When had he begun crying again? 

A quiet, broken sob slipped from Jungkook’s lips as he dropped the scissors to the ground, lifting his eyes to the door as another knock sounded.

“Kookie?” 

Jungkook sucked in a sharp breath when he heard Namjoon’s voice. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he tried to hold in another sob. 

“Please, I need to talk to you. Can you open the door?”

No, he couldn’t open it. Jungkook felt completely frozen, a heavy ache echoing through his chest. 

There was a quiet thump and when Namjoon spoke again, his voice was barely audible, his words weak.

“Please, Jungkook-ah…”

There was pain in Namjoon's voice, a weakness that Jungkook couldn’t ignore. And despite the tears streaming down his cheeks, Jungkook stepped over to the door. It took a moment to slowly prepare himself before he opened it.

Seeing Namjoon’s face had Jungkook’s heart aching once again. 

“How was your date?” Jungkook tried to ask, his voice wavering slightly with those words. But Namjoon didn’t answer, ushering Jungkook into his apartment as he slipped inside behind him.

“How can you ask me that like you’re not crying right now?” Namjoon huffed and, fuck, his hands were so warm as he cupped Jungkook’s cheeks, wiping away his tears. “Why are you crying?”

“Why are you here?” Jungkook tried his hardest to avoid the question, though he couldn’t stop himself from leaning into Namjoon’s touch, feeling his skin tingling. 

“I had to come talk to you.” Dropping his hands down to take Jungkook’s hands, he led him over to the bed, prompting him to sit down. And Jungkook couldn’t do anything but follow Namjoon’s lead. 

There was a moment of silence as Namjoon seemed to be gathering his thoughts, settling on the bed next to Jungkook.

“My date didn’t exactly go as planned,” Namjoon finally said, his hands tucked in his lap. Those words really shouldn’t have sent a spark of hope through Jungkook’s heart. “I mentioned how lonely I was feeling before, so when one of my classmates asked me out, I accepted. I was hoping that maybe I could make myself like him and I could stop being lonely.”

Jungkook felt his heart aching as he took Namjoon’s hands, almost as if his body moved on its own. His hands were trembling, and he couldn’t stop from squeezing Namjoon’s hands tightly.

“Hyung, I can be with you,” Jungkook said quickly, desperation seeping into his words. “Then you don’t have to be lonely anymore.”

Jungkook was barely even processing his words, far too caught up in one single thought. He couldn’t lose Namjoon. He didn’t even realize the implication behind his words until he saw pure shock painted across Namjoon’s face.

Then it clicked. It dawned on Jungkook exactly how his words could be taken.

“Hyung, I—”

“Jungkook, tell me the truth,” Namjoon quickly cut him off, squeezing Jungkook’s hands. He was shaking, his eyes searching over Jungkook’s face. “What do you feel for me?”

And for a moment, Jungkook’s mouth simply hung open, his eyes staring into Namjoon’s, as if searching for the right answer. But he couldn’t find anything. He could only be honest. 

He couldn’t hide it any longer.

“I love you.”

Silence. Silence followed those words as Namjoon simply stared at Jungkook. The entire world felt as if it came to a halt, time frozen around them. Jungkook could feel his tears falling once more, his entire heart laid bare before Namjoon.

“I’m so sorry,” Jungkook breathed, desperately wanting to break the silence, not caring if it broke his heart as well. “I didn’t want to—”

The words never left Jungkook’s lips. That sentence never got finished, as he was cut off again; only this time, it was by lips crashing into his own.

Jungkook’s heart stopped, his eyes wide as he tried to process what was happening. Lips against his own. 

Not just any lips. Namjoon’s lips. 

Namjoon was kissing him, his hands squeezing Jungkook’s wrists so tightly, as if he was scared to let go.

A broken sob slipped from Jungkook’s lips before he could kiss Namjoon back, arms tearing from the older man’s tight grip so he could throw his arms around him. Neither of them seemed to care as they crashed back onto the mattress, Jungkook far too lost in the feeling of Namjoon’s lips against his own, kissing him like there was no tomorrow. And fuck, he could feel Namjoon’s fingers curling into his sweater, pulling him closer.

It wasn’t until he pulled back to breathe that the situation really hit Jungkook.

“What the fuck just happened?” He gasped, his words pulling a quiet laugh from Namjoon. Gentle fingers lifted to brush Jungkook’s hair out of his eyes, Namjoon’s warm fingertips brushing away the tears on Jungkook’s cheek.

“How long have you known?”

“I’m not sure,” Jungkook answered honestly, still incredibly confused as to what was happening. “A long fucking time.”

Namjoon nodded slowly, his eyes lifting from where he was touching Jungkook’s cheek up to his eyes. A pretty smile was spread over his lips and the look in his eyes was so affectionate.

“I wish I had known you felt the same.” Those words made Jungkook’s heart race. 

The same? Which meant—

“Hyung, do you mean…?”

“I love you too, Jungkookie.” 

Jungkook’s lip quivered as he lurched back down to press their lips together again. He almost couldn’t believe it, but he wasn’t going to question it. All of those broken pieces of Jungkook’s heart slowly felt like they were clicking back together. 

Namjoon loved him.

Those words weren’t just spoken in his dreams. Namjoon really loved him.

Countless hours were spent curled up on Jungkook’s bed, simply talking. Jungkook explained how he’d spent years pining after Namjoon, completely unaware that Namjoon was doing the exact same. Neither of them had picked up on the other's feelings, though now they seemed incredibly obvious.

Namjoon even told Jungkook about his date, how his classmate, Yoongi, had asked him out. Jungkook had seen Min Yoongi around before. A short man that held the presence of someone a foot taller than him. He was quiet and incredibly intimidating. 

They went for dinner and Yoongi had said that he was surprised that Namjoon had accepted his invitation. He had been sure that Namjoon was dating Jungkook. And Namjoon, not wanting to be dishonest, admitted his feelings for Jungkook to Yoongi, but said that he was sure it wasn’t mutual.

“You know what he told me?” Namjoon laughed, his fingers trailing over Jungkook’s hand. “He said I was fucking blind. That even he could tell that you felt the same.”

Jungkook couldn’t help but laugh as well.

It seemed that they were both obvious about their feelings and the only people who never realized were them.

“So, when were you gonna tell me that your final project was a painting of me?” Namjoon asked with a small smile, eyes flicking over to the canvas across the room. The scissors were still on the floor in front of the painting and Jungkook couldn’t be more glad that Namjoon had showed up when he had. If Jungkook had destroyed the painting, not only he would have fucked himself over for his final project — he would have destroyed a piece of his heart itself.

“You inspired me,” Jungkook explained, leaning his cheek against Namjoon’s shoulder as he looked over at the painting. His heart was fluttering with every touch of Namjoon’s hand. “That loneliness you talked about, it was so genuine.”

“Well, I don’t have to be lonely anymore,” Namjoon murmured, turning his head back to Jungkook. Their noses brushed gently and Jungkook’s heart soared. He didn’t have to feel scared as he closed the distance between them.

“No,” Jungkook smiled as he whispered against Namjoon’s lips. “You have me.”