Work Text:
In a shocking turn of events, Dazai actually showed up to work for once. He figured that Kunikida would be proud and naturally, Dazai wanted to make Kunikida proud. He wanted to see Kunikida smile when Dazai walked in, not only because Dazai finally showed up to work on time, but because they got to see each other more often than they already did.
Or at least that was the plan.
But alas, things don't always go according to plan.
Upon entering the agency's headquarters, Dazai quickly realized that Kunikida was not only not at his desk doing paperwork like he usually was, but he was nowhere to be found. This was too strange. Since when did Kunikida of all people skip work? Dazai began to look around. Naturally, he was worried since this was way too out of the ordinary.
Forget it. Dazai would have to make Kunikida proud by showing up to work some other day. Kunikida wasn't at work anyway, so Dazai didn't feel like making an effort this time. He concluded that his most urgent mission was to locate his quite possibly missing boyfriend.
The boyfriend in question was currently at home, trying to fight the thoughts that currently plagued him. Today was undoubtedly the worst day of the year for Kunikida: the anniversary of his student's death. It was that distressing event that led him to quit teaching. Sometimes he still wondered if that had truly been the best decision. It wasn't like the deceased student had been the only one Kunikida had, he had had plenty of others and there were times that he wondered if they felt betrayed by his departure despite the fact that he had explained things to them, not to mention apologized multiple times. Sure, they had told him that he should do what he thought was best for himself, but part of him felt like they were just saying that so he wouldn't feel bad. Not only did he feel guilty for not being able to save his student that had lost their life, but he also felt like he had just abandoned the rest of his students and by extension, felt guilty about that, too. They had been suffering from the death just as much as Kunikida had, and yet he still left.
Kunikida wasn't only thinking about his student (though that was his current main focus) but also of all the other people he more recently hadn't been able to save while on the job. The kid with the grenades that had died right in front of him especially came to mind. That particular event had rendered him unable to join the battle the agency had been facing all the time. It was bad. Heck, it was still that bad. Kunikida felt like every moment of his existence was consumed by guilt. He never truly stopped feeling bad about not being able to save everyone. Let it be known that it was a true curse. On one hand, he wished he could just stop feeling guilty because it was really hard to constantly be having thoughts like that. But on the other hand, part of him believed he deserved to feel that way since he couldn't save people who had every right to live. Either way, it felt like the guilt was here to stay. It rarely, if ever, left. However, it always got a hundred times worse on this specific day. Even now, the death of Kunikida's student was the worst he'd ever experienced. Every death was bad, but this one especially stood out since Kunikida had cared so much about his student.
Kunikida then got up. It was time to visit his student's grave like he did every anniversary of their death. He walked out the door and towards the cemetery.
Before long, Kunikida reached a familiar grave, gently laid some flowers on it, and sat in front of the grave. He took a deep breath. This never got easier, even after all this time. "Hey...I know it's been awhile and I'm sorry about that. I really am. I couldn't prevent you from meeting an untimely end, and I can't even visit you in death that much, either. You must really think I'm the worst...and that's completely understandable. I deserve it...and I wish you were still here...you didn't deserve to die the way you did...you didn't deserve to die at all..." Kunikida's voice cracked and he started to tear up as he just gazed at the tombstone. Just a few short years ago, his student had been alive and well and ready to take on the world...and now here they were, permanently gone and never to return again. As unrealistic as it was, sometimes Kunikida still hoped that one day he'd wake up and find out that this was a nightmare and his student was still here. But that wasn't true, and it never would be. And that knowledge absolutely crushed Kunikida.
Kunikida took off his glasses and rubbed at his eyes, trying to keep his composure despite being alone. He didn't want anyone to see him like this. He could already tell he wouldn't be able to stay calm if he was already beginning to fail at that when he'd only just arrived at the cemetery three minutes and twenty-six seconds ago. Therefore, he hoped no one would find him here. That would certainly not be ideal in any way. He kept looking at the tombstone as if it would grow legs and wander off if he took his eyes off it. It was all he could do to at least somewhat keep a lid on his emotions, and even that wasn't working very well.
Meanwhile, Dazai had been wandering throughout the city after having knocked on Kunikida's door and not receiving an answer. He still hadn't found Kunikida, and he wasn't going to give up until he did. He was starting to get worried, and that worry wouldn't disappear until he knew for sure that Kunikida was ok. "Kunikida...?"
No answer.
Dazai was growing more and more worried. He continued to look around for Kunikida. As he did so, he decided to think back to see if there were any clues he had been missing.
Yesterday, Kunikida had been at work, but he'd seemed a bit out of it. He was even acting differently towards Dazai. Not in a bad way or anything, but enough to raise concerns. Even when Dazai had tried to grab his notebook and read it, Kunikida seemed like he didn't even have the energy to lecture Dazai. All he'd done was take the notebook back and then return to doing his paperwork. After Dazai's little stunt had failed, he'd resorted to watching Kunikida intently. To Dazai's shock, Kunikida looked...sad? That wasn't completely out of the ordinary. But as far as Dazai knew, it usually only happened when he tried to die, and for once he hadn't done that yesterday. Maybe Kunikida looked sad more often and just tended to hide it and only failed to do so whenever Dazai attempted suicide. Either way, Dazai decided he needed to get to the bottom of this. He continued in his search for his missing boyfriend.
Eventually, Dazai's search led him to walk by the cemetery. He was still looking around, hoping to catch even a glimpse of Kunikida.
Wait...
Was that him?
Dazai squinted and noticed someone sitting by a grave a distance away. He began to inch closer to see who it was. Yep. It was Kunikida. And he looked even sadder than he had yesterday.
Apparently sensint someone was there, Kunikida glanced up and noticed Dazai walking towards him. At least it looked like Dazai. Kunikida still had his glasses off so he couldn't tell for sure.
Dazai was now standing right in front of Kunikida. "There you are. I've been looking everywhere for you." He peered more closely at Kunikida. His eyes looked red, had he been crying?
Kunikida didn't answer and just looked down again.
"Kunikida?" Dazai asked.
Kunikida still didn't answer.
"Ok, you're really starting to scare me. What's going on?" Dazai questioned.
Silence.
Dazai glanced at the tombstone and instantly knew what this was about. Kunikida had once mentioned having a student that died. Today must be the anniversary of the student's death and that was why Kunikida took the day off. Dazai looked at Kunikida again.
Kunikida had the expression of someone who was really sad but trying to hide it.
Dazai continued to gaze at his boyfriend. "Hey, um...Kunikida? You know, you really helped me a lot when you joined me to visit Odasaku's grave, and I want to offer you that same help now...if you'll let me. But if you'd rather have me leave, then I'll do that. I don't want to make you feel worse than you already do." He turned and began to walk away. But before he could, he felt something grab his hand.
Without saying a word, Kunikida had reached up and taken Dazai's hand as a way to ask him to stay. He didn't trust his voice at the moment, so he hoped Dazai would get the unspoken message.
"You want me to stay?" Dazai asked.
Kunikida nodded, still not looking up.
"Then I will." Dazai sat down beside Kunikida.
"...Why does this never get easier?" Kunikida suddenly asked.
Dazai looked at Kunikida questioningly. "What, experiencing the anniversary of your student's death and then going to visit their grave? That sort of thing?"
"Yeah..."
"Because you cared about your student a lot."
"...I did. I still do, even if they're gone."
"That makes sense."
"I figure it's the least I can do since I couldn't save them..."
"But based on what you told me, there was no way you could've since you didn't know what happened until after the fact."
"That doesn't mean I don't feel guilty about it all the time, because I really do. No matter how illogical it may sound, sometimes I still think that maybe if I'd been there, I could've done something to keep my student from dying."
And it was true. Logically, Kunikida knew there wasn't anything he could've done about the fate that befell his late student, but of course his heart refused to believe that and insisted that he could have done something.
"Sometimes you really do care too much," Dazai remarked.
"I've been told that many times before," Kunikida admitted.
"And it's true."
"Maybe, but I can't just stop thinking that way."
"Yeah, I'm sure it's not an easy thing to break free from."
Kunikida finally looked at Dazai for a minute. "It really isn't..." He looked back down.
Dazai patted Kunikida's arm.
"Whenever I think about my student, I'm reminded of how I couldn't save them...and then I think about how eventually I might not be able to save you, either. And that scares me so bad. I can't lose you, too...I don't know what I'd do if I ever did..." Kunikida's voice broke.
In that moment, Dazai was also hit with a sense of guilt. As hard as it was to not think about wanting to die, he felt guilty for not being able to stop. He knew how much Kunikida cared about him. How could he not? The man always made it very clear. Dazai really did appreciate it, but sometimes he still felt like he didn't deserve it. But Kunikida always made sure to tell him how wrong he was when it came to those thoughts. Then Dazai snapped out of it. This wasn't about him right now. What was important was trying his best to help Kunikida feel better.
Kunikida had gone quiet again and was just looking down, trying desperately to hold in his tears.
Dazai glanced at Kunikida, silently taking note of that. I don't know why he bothers trying to hide his feelings as often as he does. No matter how hard he tries to pretend otherwise, he's still an open book. And I love that about him. I only wish he loved that about himself too...
All of Kunikida's efforts had gone to waste. He began to tear up again and at the worst time, no less: when someone else was there. This was seriously not ideal. He gripped his hands into fists, trying to regain control of his emotions. "And the worst part is...I know no matter how much I miss my student or wish they were still here, that won't bring them back. Nothing will, and I have to keep living with that knowledge..." He bit his lip, dangerously close to crying now but still trying everything in his power to avoid doing so. It was becoming harder to keep up the stoic facade he was known for. Nevertheless, he fully intended on not breaking into tears in front of anyone and he'd succeed.
Dazsj reached his arm out and gently pulled Kunikida closer to him, securing him in a hug. "It's ok, Kunikida. Let it out."
That was all it took for Kunikida to completely lose it. At this point, he was almost beyond caring about the fact that he was currently breaking down in front of someone. Sure, he'd always tried to make sure that would never happen, but this was the worst day of the year for him and of course he wouldn't be doing too well. And at least it was Dazai, aka the best person in his life, here by his side and not a random person. Kunikida hugged Dazai back and just cried on his shoulder, letting out all the pain he'd been holding in for years.
Dazai kept a gentle hold on Kunikida and patted his back every so often just to let him know he was there for him and wouldn't leave.
This went on for a good half hour or so, maybe more, and then Kunikida began to calm down a little. He pulled away, taking a deep breath and rubbing at his eyes.
Dazai watched Kunikida, making sure he was feeling at least somewhat better. "Are you ok?"
Kunikida finally put his glasses back on. "As ok as I can be, I guess. Which isn't actually that ok, but you know what I mean."
Dazai smiled. "That's good."
Kunikida looked at Dazai and managed to give him a small smile back. "Thanks, Dazai." He sniffled a bit, still not completely calm again but definitely feeling more at peace than he had even just a few minutes ago.
"Anytime, my love. It's my duty as your boyfriend to make sure you're doing well. After all, you always do that for me so it's the least I could do." Dazai had never been more relieved to see Kunikida smile.
"You're the best...you really are."
"I know. Right back at ya."
Kunikida laid his head on Dazai's shoulder again. "I mean it, Dazai. I know how I'm always stubbornly refusing to talk about my feelings and I don't even know why I try that anymore since everyone I know says I'm an open book. But thanks for not leaving me. It really did help."
Dazai stroked Kunikida's hair. "No problem. I've said it before and I'll say it again: if you ever need to talk about anything, anything at all, I'm here."
"Same goes for you."
"Oh, I know. You say it quite a lot. I just figured I needed to say it to you too since you're so stubborn."
Kunikida sat up straight again. "I'm not stubborn. That would be you."
"Ah, but here's the thing, my dear Kunikida. You just admitted to being stubborn," Dazai reminded him.
Dang, he's right, Kunikida thought. "Nope. I didn't. You didn't hear anything."
"You're the worst liar ever."
"Rude."
"I didn't say that was a bad thing, sweetheart."
The pet name caused Kunikida to blush. "Right..."
Dazai laughed. "Am I turning you into a human tomato again?"
Kunikida covered his face in response.
Dazai kept laughing, knowing full well that he had, in fact, turned Kunikida into a human tomato again.
After a minute, Kunikida uncovered his face and looked at Dazai again. "Dazai. Why must you mercilessly tease me today of all days?"
Dazai giggled a bit. "Sorry, I'll stop if you want me to."
"No, no, it's fine. You're still helping a lot," Kunikida assured him.
Dazai smirked. "Well in that case, I shall keep going."
"Oh no, what have I said...?" Kunikida asked in horror.
"Are you suicide? Cause I would commit to you any day."
"That one was so bad..."
"Right, right, my apologies. Apparently my pick-up lines suck. Who would've guessed it?"
"Only that one. The rest aren't bad."
"Good to know not all my pick-up lines are bad."
"Of course they aren't. You're saying them."
Dazai blushed. "Why are you suddenly being the flirty one? That's my job."
"You have a job? I couldn't have guessed that," Kunikida joked.
Dazai pretended to be offended. "Excuse you! I'll have you know I was going to actually show up at work today and give you a nice surprise since I never do that, but then I got there and noticed you were gone."
"Yeah...I should've told you I'd be gone. Sorry..."
"Kunikida, don't worry about it. This is never a good day for you, of course your first thought wouldn't be to announce to the agency that you won't be there."
"That's true."
"So don't be sorry. Ok?"
Kunikida laid his head on Dazai's shoulder again. "Alright, if you say so."
"Good." Dazai rubbed Kunikida's back.
Kunikida went quiet again and just stared at the grave in front of him. He still missed his student, he always would. But Dazai had been there for him, and that made things easier. If Kunikida was being honest, everything, even the worst situations, always felt so much better when Dazai was around.
After a bit more time had passed, the two of them got up and left the graveyard. Dazai kept an arm around Kunikida, not wanting to let him go. He was glad to see that Kunikida felt the same way. The two of them may have experienced devastating losses, but they still had each other, and that meant the world to both of them.