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The training room is quiet, a sound Mai craves so often that relief floods her as she stands amongst wooden dummies and weapons. Once, Mai never knew quiet was a sound. She thought while peaceful, it led to boredom far too quickly. Yet after thirteen years of children crying for her, fighting over toys, and their laughter, she realizes how in the silence she hears the sound of her own breath, the swish of her arm brushing against her shirt, and the humming in her ears that she wonders if it is real. She closes her eyes, expecting to hear Yuka or the twins shriek for her. If there’s any commotion, she will not hear it. Azula and Ty Lee are responsible to handle any drama that occurs with her six children for the next hour. While they experience a sliver of her daily routine, except they have each other to help, she will stand before a dartboard and throw knives.
This should not be a big deal. If someone told Mai at sixteen that at thirty-two, she will have not thrown a knife in thirteen years, haven't exercised in ten, and a single mother to six children, she would have whipped a knife at their heart. She would have been horrified to witness what she became. She would have done everything in her power to stop such a life. She would have stared at her in disgust. She’s sure sixteen year old Mai would laugh at who she ends up marrying, a man who she met so briefly, but ends up falling in love in a way she never imagined. She would say, “That kid from Ember Island? The one my boyfriend punched?”
She would be shocked to hear she does not marry Zuko, no, she refutes his love for a boy who loves knives and dreams of a family that welcomes him home with hugs every night. She falls for a boy who made her laugh and listened to her deepest secrets, a boy who promised to love her forever, a boy who marries her on Ember Island, a boy who cried when he held his firstborn for the first time, a boy who Mai once assumed she would never see again. She married that boy, who became a man who spent the last decade of their marriage laundering money from the Fire Nation as the treasurer to sleep with other women under the guise of business trips. A man who claimed to love her as her waistline increased from the solace, she found in fruit tarts and mochi in the night as their children slept. A man who gave her five more children after he first cheated on her. A man who loved their children so much it made her heart nearly burst. A man who helped her with baths and stories and bedtime. A man who laid beside her every night he was home and kissed her and hugged her and made love to her and told her she was his soulmate and made plans to grow old with her, all while fucking girls who never ate a fruit tart.
Mai fell in love with Ruon-Jian Sekemoto at seventeen. At eighteen, she became Mai Sekemoto, and at nineteen, Mama. At twenty-nine, she became the ex-wife to a man caught stealing thousands upon thousands of gold coins to conduct affairs under the guise of business trips. She found herself in debt to a nation run by her best friend's brother, her ex-boyfriend, who profusely apologized and tried all that he could to ease her financial burdens. At twenty-nine, she was no longer Mai Sekemoto, wife to Ruon-Jian, Mama to Satoru, Kunai, Hoshi, and Yuka and the twins inside her. She was Mai Sekemoto, the fat ex-wife of a cheater in prison and mother to four, with two babies on the way.
At thirty-two, Mai is Mama to six, best friend to Azula and Ty Lee, friend to Fire Lord Zuko, and employee of Mura’s Flowers. She tries to give herself purpose, but she is nothing without her children. The sad truth wraps around her like a string that never leaves, yanking on her heart in moments she least expects it, reminding her of how pathetic she is. She wallows in this some nights in her apartment too small for her family. She comforts herself with anything she can eat, a way to cope with her anxiety that’s plagued her since she first discovered she was pregnant with her eldest son. She imagines what will happen when all her children grow up and leave her, though that will not be for many years. The life she planned for, reading books alongside Ruon Jian, games of Pai Sho, visiting grandchildren, and trips to Ember Island, imploded with the rest of her life two and a half years ago. If she never admitted these fears to Zuko, she would not be standing here in the training room she once loved.
It was Zuko who noticed her lack of hobbies. Somehow both Azula and Ty Lee failed to realize their friend's entire personhood revolves around her children, but not Zuko. He was the one who asked what she did for herself, what books- not about child rearing- did she read at night while her children slept, what she did to relax after a long day of mediating fights and cleaning and snuggling. She had no answer. She tried to say embroidery, shame swooping in over how much she sounded like her mother, but he redacted that with noting all she created was for her children. She couldn’t tell him the truth, that the only thing that silenced the whispers in her head that her children will die, her children will grow ill, or that her children will become gravely injured, was eating. If she said that, he could tell her that was obvious. She told him there was nothing.
It was her answer, and Zuko’s improvement in observational skills, that led her to this training room in training clothes that stretched across her stomach and clung to her legs, clothes that had not fit her five years ago, and certainly not now. He decided she would rediscover her passion for knife throwing, despite years of not practicing. She agreed when he planned this with bright eyes and promised it would be enjoyable.
Sixteen year old Mai would grab a knife from the vast wall filled with silver weapons, or take one from her own body, and throw with agility that disappeared sometime after Kunai’s birth, only thirteen months after Satoru. Kunai, her girl named for her favorite knives, who smiled at her in that awkward twelve year old girl way when Mai asked her to please be respectful to her Aunts. That Mai would wonder why she even had two kids thirteen months apart. Perhaps sixteen year old Mai would drop a knife hearing she goes on to have four more.
As she closes her eyes, she imagines the girl she once was. She can see her in that turtleneck with fabric to spare, those long pants that elongated her legs, and her long locks she devoted so much time too. Her hair, her beloved hair, that she chopped to her shoulders when she had two children under two and refused to leave them with a nanny for even a moment. She would bend to grab a knife with such ease, bounce on her toes with grace, and throw knives with perfect aim. She would bend back and forward, her breasts perfectly in place, unaware that someday they will sag from children. She would put her hands on her waist and only feel the hardness of her abdominal muscles from her daily workouts.
Something inside Mai aches at this memory, a yearning so strong it may swallow her whole. Then the guilt follows, washing away any whispers that she wishes that was still her, as how could she ever wish away her babies? She reasons that she never wishes for a life without them, she wants to be that girl for just one more moment, to feel how it felt to stand in that body, to feel that hair against her back, to feel confident in her clothes.
Mai would do it all over and over and over for her children, regardless of the outcome. In every universe, Mai would walk into the tea shop where she first reunited with Ruon-Jian, a chance encounter with Ty Lee that rainy day three months after they rescued Tom-Tom and Kiyi from the kemikurage. She would visit the weapons store the following week and see him again. She would agree to his request to have noodles with her. She would allow him to kiss her beneath the welcome sign for the noodles store after their date. She would go on countless dates with him, falling harder and faster than she ever had before. She would say yes when he asked to make her his wife. She would walk down the aisle surrounded by their family and friends and promise to love him forever.
She would have all her children again, knowing it ends with him imprisoned for thirty years for fraud. She would kiss him every single time, love him just as hard as she did, for her children to be hers. She would agree to every pound that changed her body, every stretch mark rippled across her skin, and every curve to her hips, no matter how much she wishes they didn’t exist. Mai would forever choose this for them. She tried to explain this to Ty Lee and Azula once, when they asked if she wishes she never met Ruo- Jian, but they only nodded politely at her attempt to justify her answer.
The door creaks and she turns around, broken from a trance of what ifs. Zuko stands in the doorway with a sheepish grin. “Did I scare you?” He asks. “I got here a few minutes late because I expected you to be late. I thought Akihiro or Ayumi would cry or something.” He scratches the back of his neck. “Did they?”
“Just for a moment, but they really love it here, so I’m not worried.” She is worried. She fears her twins will cause trouble and one will get hurt or Yuka will fall and break her neck, or an assassin will come and decide to take out the nieces and nephews of Princess Azula. Every time she leaves her children for even a minute, even her older two, she imagines the terrors that could occur with her gone. She cannot admit that, so instead she forces a smile to Zuko.
It’s not completely a lie. Her children love spending the night in the palace. After Ruon-Jian’s arrest, Azula demanded they stay with her and Ty Lee, which meant sharing space with the family she once was meant to marry into. It was a confusing time, the heartbreak of her husband's betrayal, the fear of the unknown, the shame of her situation, all while she was pregnant with the twins. They stayed until the twins were six months, ten months of life in the palace, and she finally had enough money to rent a small three bedroom apartment in Caldera. Her kids still enjoy coming here as a break from the cramped spaces they occupy in their current home.
“I love having them here. And you, of course. I really like when you visit. I love it actually.” Zuko smiles at her after she strains to catch every word he says.
Although her heart finally returned to normal speed after his startling arrival, she feels it quicken at the sight before her. This happens too often lately whenever she’s around Zuko. His bright grin, flushed cheeks, and cocked head make her feel oddly young again. Her stomach flutters as she takes in his sleeveless red tunic that exposes his defined muscles. His broad chest and stormy arms are even more impressive at thirty-three than they were at seventeen. Like Ruo- Jian, she knows Zuko works out daily. He does katas and pushups and throws swords and keeps himself in shape. He does not eat and eat until his stomach churns and his body aches until suddenly he’s unrecognizable.
It’s not just his physical appearance that leaves her breathless. The feeling arrives when he bends down to one of her kids' levels to ask about their day, his commitment to playing their outlandish games, and his conversations with her. Many of the nights they spend here she ends up talking to him late into the evening. She finds they slip into conversations like they’re young again, even if everything is different. He talks to her about plays, history, his family, and so much more, that she remembers every time because she dated him. She knows she must stomp out these emotions. Of all the hundreds of reasons why she cannot like Zuko, the most important one is he would never like her back.
Mai knows this to be true as she catches his eyes on her stomach. She scans his face for signs of disgust, and while he manages to hide it, she knows he’s judging her. How could he not? She wraps her arms around her stomach, desperate to conceal as much of her flaws as possible. She never wears clothing this tight if she can help it. She chooses garments that will swallow her body, even if her mother says it’s unflattering. She’ll look horrible either way, why shouldn’t she be slightly comfortable?
He tears his eyes away after this and claps his hands together. “Okay, um, first we’re going to stand in the center of the mat. So yeah, we can just go…” He stands in the center, and she follows to stand beside him. The red mat squishes beneath her feet, nostalgia hitting her for the days of training alongside Azula and Ty Lee in their youth. “Do you know how to stretch still?” Zuko continues. “Not still, I mean, I don’t mean that you can’t. I meant, you said you didn’t really…. so I thought maybe you didn’t, but I’m sure you do. Uh… yeah.”
I can’t. I haven’t even tried to touch my toes since before Yuka. I get dressed with the candles off and avoid mirrors whenever I can. I don’t think I could do a sit up. I dedicated my life to raising these children and this is what happened.
“How about you tell me what to do, Sifu Zuko?” She smirks at him. “What’s my first step?”
He runs a hand through his hair again, stopping at his own ponytail. “Very funny,” The warmth in his voice tells her he’s not annoyed at her sarcasm. “First, we’re going to butterfly. Uh, okay, I’ll do it also.”
She lowers herself to the ground, trying to ignore the awkwardness of her movements opposed to Zuko’s briskness. She pushes her feet together and attempts to pull them closer to her thighs, as Zuko begins to bend forward to put his head against the mat, his knees at a perfect angle. Her thighs burn as she pushes her own body forward, but from the ache alone, she knows it’s useless. She imagines how her old self would react to this.
Zuko directs her through stretches, and while she maneuvers herself into the positions with familiarity, the strangeness arrives when she must move within them. Her body feels too stiff to bend the ways that once came naturally. While Mai was never as flexible as Ty Lee, she could bend herself farther than this. Tears prickle at her eyes as she attempts to push her head down to the mat with her legs spread in a straddle. Her straddle could barely classify as such. Her legs did not extend as far as she expected, leaving them in an awkward triangle shape. Something stops her from reaching out, and it tugs at her thighs and hurts her stomach. How did this happen to her? She’s sure the young girls Ruon-Jian indulged himself in could spread their legs to extreme lengths and stretch their stomachs down to the floor.
Zuko must take pity on her, as he extends a hand to her once he stands. She refuses his help and pushes herself to a standing position, shame already darkening her mood. She wishes Zuko didn’t witness her struggle through those stretches. While she knows he saw, he does not smirk at her. Instead, he smiles warmly at her. “That was impressive for someone who hasn’t done that in a while! Now we get to actually throw knives.”
She suppresses an eye roll, as both know there was nothing impressive about that. She’s sure he wondered how in Agni’s name she let herself get so out of shape. He’s likely thankful he didn’t marry her, that she chose Ruon Jian instead. He probably understands why her husband cheated on her for so long.
Her annoyance diminishes as Zuko grabs several knives of different styles and sizes from the sleeve against the wooden wall. Her beloved shuriken rests among them, the throwing stars she loved to whip at enemies sparkles in the light. Of course, they’re not her shuriken, those were claimed by the Fire Nation when the bank raided their house and took nearly all their valuables to help cover the debt her husband created. At that point, Mai’s knives had not been touched in years. She doesn’t miss them, not in the way she misses some of the artwork or the dollhouse for her children, but she remembers them fondly.
“You can use these or your own, whatever you’d like,” He twirls one of the knives in his own hand. “You already know how to throw, you’re amazing. I guess this isn’t a lesson, well, maybe?”
She reaches for a kunai, noting she’ll have to tell her Kunai this later. Excitement stirs as the cool metal touches her thumb. She traces the edge of the knife then grips the handle. Memories flood her brain, all those times she yielded a knife with excellency.
She’s no longer thirty-two when she clutches this knife, she’s five years old and stealing a knife from the kitchens to poke holes in her wall. She’s ten years old and poking holes turned to throwing darts and suddenly she’s noticed for her talent. She’s fifteen years old and throwing knives at Katara, Sokka, and Aang, though she did not know their names. She’s sixteen and in this room with Zuko. She’s seventeen and at a training center in Caldera with Ruon Jian, and he’s telling her he will never love any other girl the way he loves her. She’s eighteen and Ruon-Jian gifts her an engraved knife the day after he proposed, and she believes all will finally be okay. She’s twenty and holding her precious girl, her second born, and she’s whispering the perfect name into her ears, pointed inwards just like her Baba’s. She’s twenty-four and her knives are locked away with two children and a newborn and she’s one hundred pounds heavier than she was on her wedding day.
“Mai?” Zuko stops her from a spiral of memories of her marriage. “Did you hear me? I asked if you’d rather use one of yours?”
She’s thirty-two again, single, and her four year old did not even recognize a photo of Mai from her wedding day. At thirty-two, she serves as a cautionary tale for mothers to tell their daughters of marrying age. “Lady Mai married Lord Ruon-Jian and gained so much weight, he cheated on her! Always make sure you can fit into your wedding dress.” Her mother gave Mai that advice on her wedding day, but she never said what to do if she begins to eat when scared of something terrible happening to her children or to comfort her when her husband is away. She would not have had an answer if Mai told her she cannot stop eating once she starts.
She clutches the knife, amazed that this contraption can thrill her so quickly. “Oh, I don't have any. The bank took them…” She trails off, aware of the awkwardness this conversation brings. Zuko would not have reported Ruon-Jian if he had not stolen money from the other nations. He wants to pay off the debt, as does Azula, but Mai will always refuse. She married Ruon-Jian; she is the one responsible. Even if it means her family goes a night with bruised vegetables with dinner, she will not budge on her choice.
“Oh! Right, uh, but before that? When was the last time you threw?”
“We decided it was dangerous when the kids were younger,” She steps towards the wooden dartboard. “I don’t need you to demonstrate this for me, okay Sifu Zuko?”
She readied herself into the position she’s known since a young girl, expecting familiarity to guide her. Instead, she bends like a puppet from that traveling circus she took the kids to with Ty Lee, Azula, and Zuko last month. She shuffles her feet, desperate to reach the confidence she once had. Something feels off, though she doesn’t know what. She lines her eyes to the center of the dartboard, arches back, and throws. There is no satisfying thud as the knife hits the bullseye, or even anywhere on the dartboard. Instead, her knife clangs to the ground, several inches away from the dartboard. The sound echoes across the room, taunting her. She stares at the knife on the ground, a sight she’s never seen, as Mai never missed a target.
Zuko steps closer to her. From her proximity to the mirror, she watches him reach his hand out before putting it to his side again. “Hey, it’s okay,” he says. “Sometimes I still mess up with firebending. Now did you say you didn’t throw knives because it was dangerous?” He adds this casually, but she senses the annoyance. Zuko does not make his hatred for Ruon-Jian shy. Ty Lee and Azula also express their disdain for her ex-husband, and while Mai shared some sentiments, she still finds herself defensive of their marriage.
“When Hoshi was a newborn, I put him down for a nap and convinced Satoru and Kunai to play camping, where basically we just take pillows and blankets and sleep under them. We all fell asleep, and I woke to Satoru shaking me because Kunai was running with a knife. She figured out a way to remove it from my arm while I was asleep. She was four, nobody was hurt, but there was just no reason to risk someone being seriously harmed or worse.” She shares this as she bends down to get the knife. In the mirror, she gages Zuko’s reaction as he wrinkles his brows for a moment before nodding.
“But so you stopped throwing? Ruon Jian mentioned having a training center in your house, why didn’t you throw them there?”
She lines herself up to throw again, taking several deep breaths before she releases the knife. This one also clangs to the ground without even touching the board. Her second failure paired with Zuko’s question grates her nerves. She collects the knife again and steadies herself into position. “I didn’t want to leave my children,” She answers.” She throws the knife again, this time with a gentler touch, but it sails over the dartboard this time.
“Couldn’t he have watched them in the evening for an hour or so? I’m just confused since I know Satoru and Kunai had lessons. Did he decide or did you?”
That annoyance mounts to anger at his judgement. She wishes they understood that Ruon Jian was not just some guy, he was the man she chose to marry and chose to build a life with, who then destroyed everything she believed he cherished just as much as she. Zuko, Ty Lee, and Azula do not have children. Their comments on what she can do, what she should have done, none of it holds any value as they do not know what being a parent is like. Her failures at throwing only worsen her rage. “I decided. Why do you care?” She snaps.
He grabs the knife before she can and passes it to her. “If you’re upset about the throwing, just know it can take time! If you want h-“
She snatches it out of his hand. She wants to smack his sympathetic smile off his face too. She hates his pity. She doesn’t need it. He’s pitied her since the moment he showed up on their doorstep to arrest her husband. “I can do it,” She hisses. “And stop being so rude about my marriage.”
“Wait Mai, I didn’t mean to be rude. I just…. Why do you defend him?”
She pauses mid-throwing stance at his question. Defend him? She wants to tell him that’s ridiculous, that she would never defend him, that she’s angrier than any of them possibly could be, but the words will not come. “He was my husband,” She musterers. I loved him. I raised his children. I deserved to be cheated on.
Zuko fiddles with his tunic, eyes downward as he says, “He cheated on you. For years. I know I’m not like… Ty Lee or Azula but I know you.” He glances upward, his eyes set upon her with such intensity her heart stops. “I’ve known you since we were infants. I get that you… you like to pretend that I was your friend's brother and stuff but we both know we were so much closer than that. I just don’t know how you went from hating the idea of being a nobleman’s wife who hosts tea parties and schmoozes and does everything you hate to being that woman overnight. Was that… was that for you or for him?”
She fiddles with the knife but makes no moves to throw. Zuko would never understand that she decided her children's fate with every tea party, every compliment, and every playdate. His words hold some truth, she did always say that, but that was before she grew up. “I met someone I loved and wanted a family with. I’m sorry I said at sixteen that sounded awful. When you have a family, you do things you may not want to do that benefits them.” She chooses to ignore his comment about their friendship, knowing he was correct, aware she cut him out years ago.
His brows raise and that same face he made as a young boy discovering a secret passage graces his face. They had been best friends once. Even after she began to date Ruon Jian, he wrote to her to say he wants to stay her friend, he doesn’t want to imagine life without her friendship again. She created the distance between him, branding him as her husband's boss and her friend's brother, nothing more. Now here she is, and she cannot even deny it, experiencing those same tender feelings she discovered so long ago for him.
Zuko rubs his hands together and averts his eyes to the ceiling. “You just don’t look like you were happy in your marriage.”
He speaks so quickly she barely catches his words, but when she does, she nearly drops the knife as her hands quiver. She places the knife that’s failed her too many times onto the tray beside her to wrap her arms around herself again, cocooning herself from anyone's eyes. Mai inhales and exhales several times, hoping Zuko will say something, but his focus stays on the ceiling. She doesn’t know why Zuko’s comment affects her so much. Azula stated far more blunt opinions about Mai’s weight gain over the years. Ty Lee gives her pitying looks and lies to her face about looking nice, and her mother is just cruel.
“What do you mean by that?” She finally asks. She manages to keep her voice from shaking, but she cannot hide the sadness in her words.
He hears it too, as he steps closer to her with eyes wide and an apology on his lips. He does not touch her, but his harm extends, then he moves it to his side. “Mai, you know I didn’t mean it like-that, I just meant-”
“Meant what like that?”
“I mean… you… “He gestures to her. “Listen, I know you. I know… I remember back when we dated… I know you have a hard relationship with food, okay?” Zuko’s voice softens with every word. Yet pity does not seem to lace his words, as it does for everyone else in Mai’s life. He speaks as if this is a fact, which it is, Mai knows her relationship with food has always confused her. “I know when you lived here after the war you stress ate… why were you stressed in your marriage?”
She wants to refute him, to say she was never stressed, she was always so happy, but the words cannot leave her mouth. They are a lie. She worried every night, but the nights Ruon-Jian were gone, supposedly on business trips, were her worst. She begged him to say no several times each year, and sometimes he would agree, but almost always she was left alone with their children. She had no reason to complain, they had servants to do everything she asked of them, but she was still worried. She would eat until she was sick, then would watch as she gained weight, only leaving her even more unhappy with herself. She would then eat away her feelings to distract her, and the cycle would continue. She will not tell Zuko this. She cannot tell anyone. Her friends would find her disgusting. Even if they say they would never, how could they not be? They would never even understand.
“Was he even nice to you?”
“Of course he was, why would you even…”
Zuko purses his lips and cocks his head to the side. “Mai,” He says. Only one word, her name, but she hears the question inside it. Can you be honest?
Her hair rises on the back of her neck at Zuko’s judgement. An ugly pit settles in the depths of her stomach, though she cannot tell if it is due to his question, or the honest answer. Even if Ruon Jian commented on her size, his kindness outweighed the jokes gone too far. Her ex-husband had never meant to upset her, he apologized whenever he realized it did, so it was never malicious. He was never mean . His jokes were based on truth, they could have been much worse.
He never called her a Moo-So cow like the papers did after he was arrested. Unlike her mother, Ruon-Jian never refused to see her due to his disgust. He only laughed at her sweet tooth and declared that Mai should simply purchase clothing in the largest size since she’ll outgrow her clothes eventually. Sure, maybe Ruon-Jian squeezed her stomach several times, and maybe he compared her shape at nine months pregnant to a kuai ball, but he was never purposely cruel. He always apologized, he never meant it. Even more, he never did such a thing with their children present. She can ignore the sting of his words for that. Around their children, Ruon Jian showered her with love. He deluded everyone, but most importantly Mai, into believing he loved her. She truly believed he felt the same way he did when they married. She was a fool.
She wants to shrug Zuko off, to deny that Ruon-Jian’s remarks ever left her fighting back tears, but his eyes search her face, and she knows lying to him is useless. Lying to Zuko has been futile since they rekindled their friendship after her divorce. He developed an attunement to her emotions in his thirties, one she chalks up to his maturity. He realizes when she’s overwhelmed with her children or terrified over their lack of money in the bank account, desperate to do anything to help.
“You always assume the worst in him,” She finally says. She cringes inwardly as she speaks, wishing she could spoon the words back in her mouth and into the back of her mind, never to be heard aloud. She cannot do that; the words lay in the space between them, and she fills it more. “Even if he had his moments, you have no right to assume that.”
Zuko barks out a harsh laugh, his broad shoulders shaking as his lips twist into a nasty smirk. “I’m sorry I hate the guy who cheated on you for your entire marriage. Why do you always defend him?”
“We were married for nearly twel- “
“Oh right, he was faithful for almost two years. That definitely makes up for him stealing money from the Fire Nation and pocketing the Water Tribes and Earth Kingdoms money in trade deals to cheat on you for a decade. Remember that? He stole .”
She flinches at his words, whether due to the anger in his voice or the truth behind them. “I remember,” She scoffs. “Nobody remembers more than my family.”
Mai remembers her husband's choice. Her husband, the man who promised to love her and be faithful to her for eternity in front of everyone they loved, the man who fathered her children, spent ten of the eleven years, ten months, two weeks, and four days they were married engaging in affairs with multiple women. The women he betrayed her for were never older than twenty-two. Women, girls , with trim waists and breasts that haven't sagged with years of nursing their children, whose stomachs are as taut as hers once was.
Mai was so disgusting that despite their own significant fortune in the bank, Ruon-Jian stole hundreds of thousands of coins from the nation he served as treasurer to sleep with other women. When it was discovered what her husband did and Warden Kondo arrested him in front of their children with Zuko apologizing profusely, the bank drained all the money from their personal account, took her jewels, their artwork, furniture, their home , and the Sekemoto family still owed money to the Fire Nation.
The Sekemoto family, meaning Mai and her children, as Ruon-Jian serves a thirty-year sentence in Capitol Prison, are responsible for the debt bestowed upon them by Ruon Jian’s decade of thievery. Mai will not allow her eldest son, her first baby, to ever bear the burden of his father's actions. Instead, Mai works at her aunt's flower shop after she promised herself long ago, she would not spend her life watering plants and creating bouquets with her mother's watchful gaze. If she could only tell herself at sixteen that she will end up back in that store, desperate to pay off a debt that looks over her, she would have found spark rocks and set the place ablaze, burning herself with it. She remembers exactly what Ruon-Jian did, and why he did, every day.
It has been three years since her life imploded, she should have smoothed the broken heart her ex-husband left her with. It’s better than before, she knows that. The first year after his imprisonment, she spent nights forcing herself to swallow fruit tarts to distract her pain and then sobbing into her pillow. She would cry as the twins, babies who Ruon Jian did not hold, screamed into the late evening. She plastered on fake smiles for her four older children, promising them that Mama would figure everything out. Nobody remembers more than Mai and her children when he did.
Her fingers tremble, this time not with sadness but anger for what her life became. She’s thirty-two, divorced, struggling to afford rent for an apartment she should not even be stuck in, and can’t even throw a knife anymore. She has six children, six more than she ever imagined, who require so much all day from sunup to sundown, and then the time between too. She finds herself pulled in different directions, each child needing her, and there is nobody else to help.
“Look, I’m sorry,” Zuko says. She glances at him in shock, so different from the boy who would argue until his palms burned with flames. “I shouldn’t be rude about him; I get you’re still in love with him so…” He stares up at the ceiling as he rushes through his sentence so quickly, she nearly misses what he said.
She laughs when his words register, though from shock or discomfort she does not know. There are a lot of Mai feels for Ruon-Jian, rage, sorrow, betrayal, disgust, perhaps grateful for their children, but not love. She loved the man she married, who ended up so different than what she ever believed. Mai was in love when he was arrested from their home and sentenced to thirty years in jail, but that love died with each passing day as the realization set in. Everything ached after their divorce, sharp and constant, but it’s dulled over the years, arriving on milestones or nights where her children sleep, and she has nobody to speak to. She fell in love with a kind man, a wonderful father, but fell out of love to a cheater, a man who betrayed her and the family they created.
“I’m not in love with Ruon-Jian,” She explains. She speaks strongly, truth lacing every word, as it is the truth. “I haven’t been for quite some time.”
I have feelings for you.
Zuko’s head swivels downwards and his mouth gapes. He recovers quickly, his lips drawing to a straight line as he says, “But I thought… I assumed that…”
She shakes her head, her short ponytail bobbing behind her. She misses how her long hair would brush against her back when she moved that way, though she’s missed that feeling for seven years. “No, I’m not.” She hopes he doesn’t ask to expand on this. She cannot explain how she spent hours questioning if anything was ever real, was this all a waste, and would she even have married him if she knew how it would end?
“Oh,” Zuko’s cheeks redden and that butterfly sensation in her stomach returns. “That’s uh… I just thought because, well, Azula and Ty Lee always try and get you to let them set you up on dates and you say no. I thought it was because of him.”
She internally groans at even the mention of her two best friends attempts to set her up with someone. There were so many reasons to say no, the biggest being no man would ever want Mai. The feelings would be reciprocated, she cannot fathom enjoying the presence of any noblemen when she could be with her family. Mai became undesirable many years ago, but the past few years since becoming single solidified it. What man would like her? She has six children, significant debt, and fat. Ty Lee would tell her that none of what she claims to be flaws actually are. She says Mai is always beautiful, that any man would be lucky to date her and know her children, that if he loved her, he would love every part of who she is. Azula would make Lee stop and give Mai a knowing look, as if she realized the truth of where Mai’s affections lie. Mai says no to any potential suitors her friends would heckle to go out for dinner with her because she has feelings for Zuko. Even if she knows they are one-sided, even if it is not practical, even if she is no longer his type, she still finds herself drawn to him after all these years.
“No, that’s not why.”
His blush darkens as her heart thumps against her chest. He stares directly at her, golden eyes scanning her face, and she wills herself not to look away. Recalling the way he looked at her body when he entered, she covers her stomach, as if that can hide herself from view. She sees the question on his lips that form an O-shape, ready to ask what she means, so she does the only thing she can think of. She grabs the knife once more, the metal cool to her touch, and channeling all she was before she gave her body to her children and whips it at the target.
It hits the ground with a resounding clink, echoing across the room. She’s frozen in place as the sound taunts her. You stopped working out. You got fat. You ruined years of work for nothing. Except that’s not true. She withstood five pregnancies; she grew six children inside her. Some of her weight stems from that. They were worth her weight gain; she could never imagine life without them now.
Despite her immense, all-consuming love for her children, she cannot help the tears that well at this failure, fury behind every drop. Why her? Why couldn’t she have her kids and stay fit? Why did she have to have such anxious thoughts surrounding their safety? Why was she the one who struggled with eating? She will never know the answers, she will never know how this happened, and she will never know if any choices she made in her life were the best. Except she does know that, for even thinking of her family fills her heart with joy despite her sadness. Even though she cannot even throw. There’s a piece of her that died when she married, the part of her that held her talents and capabilities and interests and her attractiveness.
The taunts of the knife she failed to throw finally stop when Zuko bends down to grab it. “Let me help.” He does not ask but demands as he returns to her side.
She wants to say no as her insides tumbles and her heart flutters, but she finds herself nodding her head. She steps into her stance, but Zuko flops his head. “No, put your back leg back further and then turn this front one out more, like this, see?” He demonstrates with the goofy grin of their youth. She mimics him awkwardly with her brows furrowed, unsure what he’s doing this for. She wants to refute his help, but she knows he means well. Zuko always offers to help. He is the Fire Lord, a man with the weight of their nation on his shoulders, but he offers to abandon paperwork to help her cook dinner and assist with bedtime, despite her living on the outskirts of Caldera. He seeks her out for fruit tarts and tea, he brings dinner for her family, and he enjoys playing with her children, even though they are extraordinarily loud and overwhelming. Zuko treats her like a human rather than just a mom with no brain, asking her for advice on issues within the court and sharing information about potential laws to pass.
“Um, may I, can I help with your arm?” He whispers. His hand hovers above her lower back, and from her position to the mirror, she can see his blush spread to his entire face.
Mai gives him a quick yes before discreetly inhaling a large breath, an attempt to flatten her stomach, but she knows it’s futile. The moment his calloused, firm hand touches her waist, her breath hitches again, but she has to release it. She likes Zuko. She cannot hide it anymore. All these claims he was just a friend are simply lies. It’s completely unrequited, there is no way he would have feelings for her, but she will force her feelings to die.
He places his fingers to her wrist and adjusts it higher behind her. Her pulse quickens as she turns her chin to stare at him. Zuko’s eyes narrow with concentration and his tongue darts out to wet his lips. He catches her observing him before she can look away, but neither breaks eye contact. She silently wills him to say something, but his gaze burns into hers.
Finally, after what felt like ages, he says in his hushed voice, “Why don’t you want Azula and Ty Lee to set you up with anyone?”
His hands remain on her waist and wrist, now angled behind her head, and she’s sure her double chin and figure so different than the one he liked are obvious to him. She tries not to imagine how he must hate touching her padded waist or how he must think she’s horrible. It’s difficult not to as she ponders how she can answer this. She decides to tell one of the many truths for her consistent No’s to her friends. “I don’t know any man who’d want to date me” She answers with a wry smile.
“Why?” The crease along his browline deepens as he asks.
With her hand that rests by her side, she gestures to her body. Mai will not pretend she looks ow she once did. She may not love herself, though she never did, but she will not delude herself to think others cannot see what she does. It’s better this way.
Zuko’s jaw tightens as he frowns at her.” That’s not true,” he replies. The conviction in his words shocks her. He speaks as if he knows otherwise, but she wills herself not to even imagine. There is no possibility of him liking her. Would she even want him to?
“I don’t care that- “
He suddenly steps closer to her, and the words die on her lips. His head cocks to the side and he opens then closes his mouth. He stands so close that if she leaned even a smidge in his direction, she could touch him. The signs of middle age mark itself across his face in the form of lines around his eyes. Somehow that paired with the few strands of gray at his hairline makes even more handsome than he was when they last dated so long ago. She imagines how smooth his hair is to the touch. She doesn’t have to imagine; she can just remember the days of their youth where she’d caress his silky locks.
His jaw clenches and unclenches before his chest rises and falls with the sign of a deep breath. “I think you’re beautiful.” The sentence falls between them like the knives she failed to throw. His lips remain straight, but the intense piercing gaze he sends her causes her to gape in shock.
I’ve gained more weight since sixteen than what I’ll ever say aloud. I can’t throw knives. I can’t spar. My stomach is covered with weird marks and it’s flabby and my abs are gone. My breasts never stop aching because Akihiro and Ayumi refuse to wean even though they are nearly three and they sag and also have marks on them. My chin is covered because even my face got fat and now you’d think I have a round jaw because you can’t even see it. My hips are wide and you don’t even know anything about pregnancy, so you won’t even realize why. I am not who I was at sixteen because I married and was a wife and I’m a mother.
Her mind buzzes with a million responses to his comment. She wants to refute him, to tell him to save his pity, to not even taunt her, but her tongue sticks to the roof of her mouth like honey. She knows he is lying. Zuko could never find her beautiful now. She doesn’t need him, or anyone, to even think that anymore. The last man who told her she was beautiful ended up cheating for a decade. She has her children, she does not need any validation from anyone, her friends or Zuko. Mai’s chance with romance ceases to exist, but she truly does not mind. Yes, it would be nice to have someone as her person, the way Ty Lee has Azula, or Chan has Takashi. Or how she had Ruon-Jian. Romance is not her priority. What matters most to Mai is her children. Satoru, Kunai, Hoshi, Yuka, Akihiro and Ayumi will always be her priority. Mai’s love for them, so overpowering that sometimes it still scares her, fulfills her more than any romantic love ever would. Except someday her children will grow up and leave and thrive and she will be so proud and love them so much but her apartment will be empty and everyone in her life will have someone and all she’ll have is food. Her children fill her heart so much, more than she ever could imagine, an embarrassing amount, but there is a piece of her left with a gaping hole after Ruon-Jian. The space for love, for someone like Zuko.
“I thought you knew I felt that way and I never said anything because I thought you still loved Ruon Jian- which would totally make sense since you married him- but then you said you didn’t and then you said nobody would like you and I just couldn’t let you think that when I-” He stops after rushing through his words to breathe. His eyes bounce around the room, looning anywhere but at her, and his knuckles that grip the knife pale. “If… You know, if you don’t… I know this is still just me feeling this for you but I still want you to know. If you’re comfortable still staying friends even knowing I lo… I really don’t want to lose you and I really love your kids and am really happy to be in all your lives so if you’d still let me.. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have even said… I like you."
I like you. I like you. I like you. The words repeat in her head like the wooden drum Hoshi loves to bang upon. Zuko likes her. Zuko has feelings for her. Zuko somehow is attracted to her. Mai’s legs tremble as she struggles to find words suitable for his confession. She’s at a loss on how to respond. This should be good news, it is good news, but this also terrifies her. What happens next? Does she admit it is mutual? Then what? What happens if he thinks he likes her and then decides she disgusts him? What if they date and all is well and she tells her children and they’re excited and then Zuko breaks up with her? What if her children do not approve? Her younger four children adore him, it is Satoru and Kunai who may express discomfort. Could she even date him then? Can Zuko even date her?
Zuko is the Fire Lord, the most important person in the Fire Nation and she.. She is a joke. Mai is a punchline for noblemen, a warning for their wives, and someone so pathetic she is sure the Fire Sages will object. They will never allow for Zuko to be seen with someone like her. All the women they’ve pushed his way over the years are slim and beautiful, childless and young. They do not want a disgraced divorcee with six children and a body nobody would vye for. Maybe all of this was a mistake. She should not even entertain the prospect of dating. Is this selfish to her kids? She wants to run back to them and return to their apartment and mull over this, but that cannot happen.
“It’s okay, you don’t… I know you don’t feel the same way. I just-"
“No, Zuko-”
He holds his hand up to silence her and she complies. “I just couldn't let you think you were undesirable or something because I’ve felt this way for a while since you divorced, really." He removes his hand from her waist and drops her arm. Rejection crosses his face as he bites his chin. He removes his hand from her waist and drops her arm. He turns around and she knows she cannot ruin their friendship again.
She flinches at the loss of contact. In a haste to salvage the situation, she grabs his wrist to keep him from leaving this room. He stops at the contact and faces her again. Channeling the girl she once was, the girl who would fight for what she wanted, she moves closer to him, standing toe-to-toe. She rubs her thumb across his wrist. Her nails are bitten down and unpainted, a stark contrast to their youth, where she grew her nails long and kept them painted.
So much is different. Mai is not who she was when they last dated. It’s not just her body that’s gone through changes, she knows her mind has taken a new shape with the different titles thrusted upon her since she began to date Ruon-Jian. They spent twelve years as acquaintances while she immersed herself in motherhood and her husband. She lost who she was, she still does not know who she is meant to be, but Zuko still likes her. He accepts who she is now, he does not miss the wisp of a girl he once had. Something bubbles inside her, joy and fear and relief for the future. She was married, she gained weight, she was cheated on, she is a mother, she is struggling through poverty, there is so much he can dislike, and yet he still wants her. She wants him. He hears her, he sees her, he believes she is more than just a caregiver, she can be a person around him.
She reaches her hand to his cheek, slowly spreading her fingers to caress his scar. Her lips are dry and her insides tremble, but she cannot stop now. His hand returns to her waist, the knife still in his grip. He slowly brings his other hand to her neck. She nods her head, breath bated, as he strokes it. She wants to kiss him, she wants him to kiss her, she wants this to begin.
“You’re so beautiful,” He murmurs without breaking eye contact. His hand that cupped her neck traces a line down her face. She wants to turn her head, embarrassed he can feel the changes on her cheeks and chin, but she allows him too. She trusts Zuko. “Do you actually feel the same?”
She twists her lips to hide a smile at his question. “I thought it was obvious,” She tries to make her rasp light to show she is joking. “I’ve liked you for some time now.”
His jaw drops and his eyes light up. He sputters for several seconds, and fondness fills her for his reaction. Of course, he did not realize. She praises his observational improvements, but he has not changed too much. “Oh!” He breathes. “Well, it’s a good thing I said something! Um…’ He stares at her lips, and she knows what he is about to ask, and warmth blooms inside. “May I kiss you?”
This answer is easy, one of the easiest things she can say, as this is all she wants as she touches his cheek and he holds her waist and she can smell smoke and Zuko from him, a scent that is so familiar after so long. “Yes,” She replies.
She does not know who initiates the kiss. One second their lips are apart, and the next, they are intertwined, and his hand fists her hair as she clutches his neck. His lips are soft, and his kiss is gentle, and it ends before it truly begins, but she knows this is not the end. She wants to kiss him again, she wants so much more with him, and she knows it will come. She pulls away first and releases a shaky breath as he beams at her.
“That was fantastic,” Zuko grins. “Can we do it again?”
“Let me throw this first.” She grabs the knife off the mat, aware her shirt is clinging to her body and her hair is messy, but she just kissed Zuko and suddenly there is a future that did not exist this morning.
She stands just as he directed to before they were interrupted and lifts her arm. The position is different, but still familiar, and she realizes she was growing as if she was sixteen. Mai is not sixteen, she is thirty-two and her weight has changed, and so will how she distributes her weight. She cannot return to something after so long and delude herself that everything will be the same. She will throw differently, she is older, her body bears the years, but she still can succeed. She narrows her eyes to focus on the circular target. She slices the knife through the air, the inertia increasing as it travels, and it hits the center of the target. Mai is not sixteen, she is not eighteen, she is not twenty-four, no amount of wondering if everything was worth it can change that she is thirty-two and this is her life. She would not do anything differently, regardless of all of it, because she is here, she kissed Zuko, she hit her target, and there are the six people she loves more than anyone waiting for her.