Chapter Text

Monday

     My name is Nick Nelson, and I attend Thruham Boys' Grammar School. I'm currently a year 11, and I spend most of my time outside of classes playing rugby or hanging out with my dog Nellie and my mum Sarah. We're just coming back for the spring term today. It's still bloody cold outside though, so I had to fetch my fleece-lined coat on the way out the door this morning. I just sat down in my new form room with Mr. Lange as our headteacher. We're under the name Hamlet House - which makes me a little hesitant given that I know I'm going to be forced to read that play at some point this term. Mr. Lange didn't seem too thrilled either, when I checked in, at the idea of having to keep a bunch of kids from all years in check for four and a half months at least. Regardless, I've taken off my outer coat and uniform jacket at this point and I'm scribbling in my planner, making sure everything is set for my GCSE and other honors credit courses. I don't know who my partner is going to be yet. And this term we're finally mixing years since so many people take advanced courses in younger years now, though they still don't tell you who you're paired with in your form when they send out the paperwork, just the room, group name, and teacher. I do know none of my rugby mates are with Mr. Lange this term though, which is kind of a relief. It's nice to have the team and a lot of those guys have been with me for years, but having to listen to Harry whine about meaningless drama every day in form on top of the time we already spend together before school and at lunch might be too much for me.

     I'm staring into space, thinking over what training we'll have to do for our first match in about three weeks against a nearby school in town that I don't recall the name of when I register that someone's approaching my table. He's a boy that seems to be about my age with curly dark brown hair that adds an inch or two to his height. He's also wearing the school uniform with the optional vest as well as the blazer, which makes him look a bit more proper than I do given I've just got the button-up and tie on at the moment. His eyes are big and blue, but that deep type of ocean blue that seems kind rather than cold. He sets his bag down and sits next to me, and I smile slightly at him since he's smiling at me too - with a similar warmth to his eyes. "Hi," he breaks the silence after a moment. "Hi," I reply, sitting back and shooting him another grin as we begin class. I have a good feeling about him.

………

     I learn during roll that his name is Charlie Spring, which sounds vaguely familiar, but I doubt we've actually ever interacted face-to-face before since he's a year 10. We hit it off fairly well given we only have an hour and change to chat and it's our first day meeting each other, but even the little we talk about school and what our plans are this term is refreshing. It's clear from the start that Charlie's really sincere and sweet, but he doesn't shy away from banter either, making slight fun of Mr. Lange's reaction to all the students given he still has the whole term to go dealing with us. I'm almost disappointed when the bell rings and we have to break to go to our different classes, but it will give me something to look forward to tomorrow. I don't have the opportunity to meet new people a lot, but it's easy so far with Charlie, and if he does end up having a secret dark side I'll only have to tolerate him in the mornings.

Chapter Text

Wednesday

     The first few days of classes slip by pretty quickly, especially with work already being piled on again in my Maths course and the looming stress of not having enough players on the rugby team yet to actually compete against other schools. A few guys dropped off over the break and Ms. Singh couldn't find replacements fast enough to start off the term with a full team. 

     I got a bit distracted last night playing Mario Kart with my mum since I basically had to teach her all the controls again, so I'm doing my maths worksheet as I walk into school, not really paying attention to where I'm going. In my periphery, I think I recognize someone walking toward me, so I pause as I come into the main hallway. I look up, and it's Charlie. "Hi," I say, chuckling a little. "Hi," he returns. 

"Are you going that way?" I point down the hall towards my feared maths class.

"Yeah, maths."

"Same," I say, glad we get to walk together for a bit.

He looks at my rushed writing and asks, "Are you literally doing your homework while walking to your lesson?"

"I… might be."

"That's very chaotic."

"That makes me sound way cooler than I actually am."

I look back to my worksheet and get one more step in before grunting under my breath. Why do I keep getting stuck at this conversion?

"Do you want me to do that for you?" Charlie asks, pointing to my work.

"No, I'm good," I assure him, it's a sweet suggestion though.

"I can tell you the answer."

"But then I won't learn," I tease lightly.

"But if you're stuck I can just…" he reaches out for my pen, clearly messing about just as much as he actually wants to help.

"Stop,"

"Let me just…"

"Get off," I laugh as I manage to mark his hand with my pen in our struggle.

He retreats, looking at the streak with a slack jaw.

"How dare you?" he asks with mock betrayal, pointing to his knuckle.

I laugh again as I wrestle his hand toward me and put two small dots above the line of blue ink to make a little smiley face.

"Better?" I ask, looking up at him.

"Maybe," he says, smiling as we turn to continue to the maths block. I'm glad I got him to smile.

We're just walking side by side in comfortable silence for a moment before Charlie greets someone coming down the corridor opposite us. I look up to see Ben, a guy in my year who hangs around the rugby group but isn't actually on the team.

"Wot?" he asks

"Just, Hi," Charlie repeats - and his face falls slightly.

"Why are you talking to me, I don't even know who you are," Ben asks with a half-scoff, half-chuckle. 

I look between Charlie and Ben trying to gauge what exactly is going on here. Charlie seemed to recognize Ben, but Ben just shrugged him off, and not kindly either. I just watch them for a bit to try to see if I can figure anything out from their expressions, or maybe Charlie'll just tell me once Ben leaves, either would be fine.

"Alright mate?" Ben addresses me now.

"Yeah, fine," I say, trying to hide my confusion at this whole stilted interaction.

"Yeah," Ben says, nodding, before walking off the way we had come.

"You're friends with Ben?" Charlie asks with a slight nervousness in his voice that I can't quite place.

"Uh, yeah, he's in my year. We hang out…sometimes."

"Oh," is all Charlie says.

We continue walking, and I need to keep working on this homework if I want to get it done before class, but half my mind is taken up by concern for Charlie. I don't know what to do to help as he starts to walk ahead of me by a few steps, putting some distance between him and whatever is going on with Ben, between us too I suppose. For now, I'll let it be, and if he needs to come to me he can. I just hope he's alright. 

--I don't even realise I'm at the door to Ms. Schuneman's room until I'm through the door, and I still only have the first problem done. Well, I still have until the bell rings--

………

     Maths actually went alright - I was able to get an extension for the homework, so I have until tomorrow to turn it in, which is good. It's lunch now and I'm playing some pick-up rounds of rugby with my mates on the field. It's nothing serious, and we aren’t even playing with real goals, but it's nice to do something physical after all my lessons in the morning. As I run back around from making a try, my mates tackle me, trying to lift me up in congratulations and failing spectacularly - basically just succeeding in pulling me to the ground. 

     All I've been able to think about since this morning is how Charlie's doing, and this has been a good distraction, but as we take a break to grab some water my mind wanders. I land on the conversation we had before the whole Ben thing and the smiley face that may or may not still be on Charlie's hand. He probably washed it off before lunch, but it reminds me of another pen-related incident that happened just yesterday. 

It’s only the second day of classes, but as I came into form my favorite fountain pen just…exploded on me. My hands and shirt are covered in blue ink and I can't think of what to do so I go up to Charlie and ask him if he has a tissue. He doesn't, unfortunately, but Mr. Lange lets us both go to the bathroom so that Charlie can open doors for me before I wash up.

"It's not coming off!"

"You're gonna be blue forever."

"It looks like I've got blue gloves!" I say, raising my hands for Charlie to see how bad it still is even after washing them three separate times.

"You can make it the new school fashion," Charlie suggests, laughing.

"I can pretend it's a tattoo."

We ended up getting most of the ink off once we discovered the hand sanitizer Charlie had stowed in his jacket pocket worked surprisingly well, but it still took until this morning for my hands to not show any traces of blue anymore. I guess it was only right with the universe for Charlie to get some ink on his hand now that I'm free of it.

Chapter Text

Thursday

--On Thursday in form, while we're both working in the relative quiet of the room, I space out for a second, but when my eyes refocus, I'm looking at Charlie's hand. The smile is still there if a little faded, and a warmth spreads through my chest, making me smile slightly before getting back to my work--

     Today is the first day of my PE course where we're playing a few games of football, which a lot of the guys prefer to rugby, I guess because it's a bit simpler and doesn’t involve tackling. Ms. Singh coaches rugby, but she runs the year 10 PE course during the day so I don’t have her to rely on as one of my favorite teachers at the school, but despite that, the current game is going pretty well so far. Our instructor for year 11 does a lot of lesson planning with Coach Singh so he can keep mostly in line with the seasonal sports during his course.

     We just switched sides, so I'm playing guard on the east side of the pitch when I hear Ms. Singh call out from across the field: "...No one's beaten Charlie's time yet…" and at the familiar name I turn around to see what might be going on on the opposite side of the goalie fence. I'm surprised and impressed when I realise that Charlie is no less than 10 yards ahead of everyone else on the track, and not losing his lead even when Ms. Singh encourages the other boys to break Charlie's record. I honestly hadn't expected Charlie to be a talented runner from our interactions so far, especially with his prowess in maths, but now I feel a tad embarrassed for underestimating his athletic ability. It's almost mesmerizing watching him and how in his element he looks as compared to how he sometimes is when walking the halls, mostly avoiding all the rugby lads and "jock" types.

--I really am glad we're not like that. I know I could technically be classified as a school jock, but I've never really identified with that label, which is something that Charlie already seems to see better than most other people in my life, apart from my mum--

I'm still staring at him when an idea pops into my head that could both save the team and give me a chance to hang out with Charlie more outside of form - since we don't have any other classes together. Kill two birds with one stone and all that, and he may even enjoy it once I introduce him to the nicer guys on the team. The ones who are there to support me no matter what the outcome of the game even when it sometimes feels like it comes down to me as the "rugby king" to carry them. Yeah, this is good - I'll ask him at his locker after lunch to see what he thinks.

………

     My genius plan carries me through the rest of my classes and lunch, and I manage to quickly find Charlie in the hall as he seems to be trying to stuff his textbooks from morning classes into his locker. 

--Our lockers are way too small, especially for later years. I looked up a picture of American high schools' lockers once and I felt cheated. Or maybe it's just a Truham thing, who knows–

     As I approach, I guess Charlie is really distracted by his war against space because when I say ‘Hey’ he turns towards me in surprise, and drops all his books in the process. It’s actually really cute though - he’s like a protagonist in one of those cheesy high-school rom-coms. I help him pick up all his books, and hand them back to him before realizing what all he’s actually holding. Alongside a sheet-music book or two, he’s got a pair of drumsticks and a set of wired headphones. I guess there’s still stuff I don’t know about Charlie. I mean, of course there is, we only met four days ago, but it still feels weird thinking about the fact that we haven’t been friends for years already.

“Thanks,” Charlie says as I return his school books.

“You play the drums?” I ask, pointing to the equipment I just noticed.

“Yeah.”

“That’s so cool!” Because it is. I have very little to no musical ability and being able to keep a complex beat on the drums is both incredibly impressive and absolutely outside of my skill set.

“Thanks,” Charlie says again, and I swear I catch him blush slightly as he looks at the ground.

“So, um… I had something I wanted to ask you.” I have to get back on track if I ever want to get the chance to ask him what I came here to ask. I pause for a second just holding eye contact. This really is out of a rom-com. I shake that thought. That… came out of left field. Anyways, 

“Do you want to join the rugby team?” I ask, trying to hold back the nervousness that is creeping back into my voice as I realise this may not work. He may not want to join, which would be fine, but I got kind of invested in the idea of us playing together this term.

“Wot?” He seems surprised by the suggestion, so I figure I should explain - it is a weird question to bring up with no context.

“We have enough players for the team but we're not allowed to actually play against other teams without a reserve. And I saw you run in PE and you're, like, really fast. So... I thought you might be interested.”

“I don't really know how to play.”

“That’s fine. I can teach you.” I say, hopefully.

“Aren’t I a bit…small and weak to be a rugby player?”

     Honestly, I hadn’t even considered that. And it’s not like you have to have a huge muscle mass to be good at the sport, so I try to reassure him that it will be fine if he wants to join - there’s no pressure to bulk up for the “big leagues”.

“We're just a school team, you know. It's not that serious.”

“So you’re saying I am small and weak,” he asks, cocking his head to the side.

“Wait no. No.” That is not at all what I meant and I don’t want him to think that I think he’s weak, I just didn’t want him to worry about…

And he’s chuckling.

“Oh,” I breathe out, relieved. He was just poking fun, thank god. And I start laughing too.

“So, do you want to join?”

He just looks at me for a moment, considering, before-

The bell rings.

"The bell?" I ask incredulously, " Lunch is over already?"

"Oh, god, I'm missing my drum lesson," Charlie says, turning to rush down the hall before stopping himself and saying, " Can I think about it?" A smile on his face.

“Yeah, sure!"

"I'll see you later!" He calls as I also step off to go to class.

I suppose he hasn't said yes yet , but…

At the end of the day, Charlie jogs up next to me as I'm leaving and asks:

"What time are practices ?"

Success!

Chapter Text

Training Montage

     I get to spend a lot of time with Charlie over the next few weeks, both in form and in practice after school on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. He does end up needing some training in the rules of rugby, but he has the basics of running and catching the ball basically from the start. The first day he gets to practice, the thing he’s most nervous about is the tackling.

“I know I was joking about being weak, but I am definitely too weak for this,” Charlie says, nervously chuckling.

“Where is your “can do” attitude?” I ask teasingly.

“Oh, she left, long ago.”

“Just try. Tackle me, I won’t dodge.” He hesitates again, so I give him one last encouraging push.

“Come on, I bet you can do it!”

He looks at me nervously, but places his right foot back and runs at me, not sprinting, but picking up enough speed to…

Ooof, yeah, that was good. He got his arms underneath mine and took me to the ground in one smooth motion.

“That was…perfect,” I say, catching my breath and sitting up as he lifts his arm from where it was around my waist.

“Was it?”

“Yeah. Now let’s try again while I’m actually moving,” I say, now standing again. “Come on!”

“I’m going to die,” Charlie says, and I chuckle at his melodrama.

     The other guys on the team warm up to Charlie pretty quickly too. Some of them are a little skeptical at first - mostly Harry - because of Charlie’s smaller stature, but a week or so into practices he’s working fluidly with the other players. He’s even brought into group huddles with us, and it’s a great feeling to have him open up to this as another space he can be a part of, even if he hasn’t played any official games yet since he’s a reserve. 

     We get on really well, and I often find myself looking forward to seeing Charlie at school. We joke around and take the mick out of each other, but outside of classes we’ve also talked about deeper stuff. Our families, friends, ourselves, what school’s been like. At this point, I think I probably spend more time with him than I do most of my other mates.

I'm showing Charlie how to outmaneuver an opposing goalie, and he gets this really focused look on his face.

"So, I'm trying to score a try."

"Yeah."

"And you try and run up to me."

Charlie nods as we both start moving, and right before he gets up to me I feint to the left before breaking right and sprinting to the goal, keeping the ball under my arm as Charlie lightly jogs after me.

"Like that, okay?"

Charlie nods again before I have us reset so he's guarding me again and tell him to actually try to get the ball from me this time.

"Ready?"

"Yeah."

"Now run in," I gesture for him to come towards me, but this time I drop the ball, kicking it into the air in front of me, past Charlie, and jump about a foot into the air to catch it on my way to the goal.

"Awww, come on, that's got to be cheating," Charlie whines.

"Nope, just rugby champion-level trickery," I smile.

     We run the drill a few more times with Charlie defending, and he actually manages to tackle me once and steal the ball the next time round, so I figure we should switch and have him try out some of the stuff I've been showing him so that he can make a try. He starts out a little farther from the goal than I was, but he starts running toward me, and even though I've got more experience he is really fast. He fakes me out the same way I did to him the first go-round and manages to sprint around me faster than I can catch him. He just makes it past the goalposts before I tackle him, both of us falling to the ground laughing.

Charlie picks the ball up and hands it to me as he stands. I sit on my knees for a second before standing too and looking in awe at Charlie.

"Well done!" I say, and I'm genuinely really impressed.

Charlie just giggles in an almost childlike glee before he begins to make his way back to the gym. It's like I can feel that giggle in my chest too - that joy infecting both of us making the wind and the warmth of the sun feel softer. I follow behind Charlie after a moment reveling in his success, and it all feels so new and…right.

We're five weeks into the term now, and schoolwork has gotten a bit more intense, but it's definitely easier to keep on top of now that I've got a rhythm down after the break of the Winter Holidays. 

--It's only a few weeks, but you really do lose all sense of what school was before going back--

      It's a Friday today, so people are quick to file out of the locker rooms after practice, and Charlie and I would usually be joking around, chatting before the weekend, but he seems extra quiet for some reason. He was fine during practice, but he broke from the field a little early to check something on his phone, and something’s been off with him since. I don't want to force him to talk about it if he doesn't want to - especially if it is really serious, but I'm a bit worried about him as he gathers his backpack and signature orange sport bag and marches out of the gym towards the main road, staring at his phone again. I watch him go, maybe hoping I can make sure he gets to the bus stop okay… but he turns and instead goes back into the building towards the art block. I furrow my eyebrows, trying to think of a reason for him to be going that way today, but I can't come up with anything. He's talked about eating lunch in Mr. Ajayi's room sometimes - the art teacher - but all the other staff have left, I think even Ms. Singh is out on the parking lot by now, and the cleaning staff is probably going around locking doors at this point. I sigh quietly and decide to follow him. My mum won't mind if I'm a few minutes late, and I need to make sure Charlie's alright. When I step into the hallway I hear whispered voices, and as I move forward cautiously I realise Charlie's talking to someone. I can't see them yet, but they seem to be down the hall somewhere…

"Why would I be scared of getting caught?" Charlie's voice - and he sounds upset.

"Everyone in school already knows I'm gay. You're the one who's scared of getting caught. You can't even look at me when other people are around. Not to mention the fact that you have a girlfriend. Yeah. I've seen you with her at the school gate. Thanks for telling me. Oh, wait, you didn't." I just stop. I feel like I shouldn't be listening in on this, but I don't like the tension in Charlie's voice and…

"Don't be angry at me for not wanting to come out yet."

Wait, is that…

"I'm not angry about that. If you're figuring stuff out, fine. Take your time. I would have been there for you. Don't you think I, of all people, would understand if you're figuring out your sexuality?"

"Then why are you angry at me?"

Ben .

"I'm angry because you never even slightly cared about my feelings. We only ever meet up when you want to. Where you want to. When you feel like kissing a boy. You don't care about me at all."

     I feel my face start to flush now - Charlie's tone is so much sharper than I've ever heard it, and if what he's saying is true… god, I feel so bad for him. I never realised how hard it probably still is for him. He doesn't talk much about how he came out last school year, but given how open he is now about just being himself, I didn't even think about the comments he still has to deal with and the struggles he has to go through even with someone he's supposedly going out with.

"It's not like anyone else is going to want to go out with you, is it?"

There's a pause. It feels like the world slows for a second. They're not saying anything, and I'm frozen, but all too quickly time catches back up and the next moments go by in a blur. I hear a slight scuffle and,

"Don't."

"Charlie. I know you like me."

I've dropped my bags by the front hall.

"Stop it!"

I've found where their voices are coming from and I'm rounding the corner.

"Charlie, I like you but I'm figuring stuff out. Literally what more do you want from me"

I grab Ben by the back of his jacket and pull him off of Charlie, throwing him back into the main hall.

"He told you to stop," I say firmly. I can't believe him. What kind of No means No lesson did he bloody miss at age 6? 

"Go on, piss off." There's steel in my voice that I don't bother hiding.

He doesn't even say anything, he just walks away with shock and anger written on his face. I feel Charlie behind me, and once Ben is out of sight I look back to see him wiping his eyes.

"You okay?" I ask in the gentlest voice I can muster given the adrenaline still running through me.

"Did you hear all of that?"

"Most of it. I just... You seemed kind of like something was up while we were getting changed, so I... I wanted to check everything was okay." I really just wanted to make sure he was alright, and now I'm glad I followed him, he shouldn't have had to deal with that alone.

"I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry about." Nothing about this was Charlie's fault, and I hope he knows that…

"Sorry."

"You say sorry a lot," I say, chuckling slightly. He pauses, about to say something else.

"Don't say it."

"I kinda want to say it."

"Don't," I laugh - god, he's so British.

     I feel like I want to reach out to him in some way - offer him some comfort, but I don't really know what to do and hugging him without asking seems like a really bad idea right now. Instead, I extend my hand and pat his shoulder twice before turning back towards the doors. "We should get out. We'll be locked in if we stay here much longer."

"Yeah."

Charlie already has his bags on him, and I grab mine on the way out as we just walk in silence up till the school gate.

"I'm going this way, so…" Charlie says, pointing down the sidewalk the opposite way I'm heading.

"Yeah, I'm that way."

"Okay. Bye."

"Bye," Charlie says, waving. He has a smile on his face and it's good to see that he's recovered somewhat already. I turn to the right and head toward the parent parking lot to meet my mum.

………

     We're driving home, and I'm in the passenger's seat mulling over everything that just happened when my mum asks me something that I don't register. It takes me a second to come back to reality and realise she asked me how practice went.

"Wot? Yeah, it was…normal." 

"Okay," she nods at me, probably knowing that there's more to it, but not pushing me to elaborate, which I'm glad for. I don't feel like it's my place to tell her what happened with Charlie. It seems like a pretty serious situation, and not one you necessarily want to advertise to your friends' mums without express permission. My phone dings just as I start slipping back into my memories of the day, and the notification has Charlie’s Instagram handle listed. We swapped contact info a while back, but I guess neither of us were quite sure when to start a conversation. The message is short enough that I don't actually have to open my phone to read it. It simply says: "Thank you x"

I smile down at the screen and then look back out the window. This feels special, and now when we get home I finally have a reason to message him back.

Chapter Text

Heart-to-Heart

     I’m lying in bed, with Nellie resting her head on my knee, and it’s about 21:00 (9:00 pm if you’re a weirdo American). I’ve been scrolling aimlessly on my phone for a while now, and I see Charlie’s message from after practice in my notification bar, so I actually click on it this time. I still don’t know quite how to respond to his message yet though, and I haven’t really been on his Instagram page before, so I decide to just scroll through his posts for a bit. The most recent one is of him and three other people around our age - who I assume are his friends from school - waving around sparklers on New Years. They all look really happy, and the quality of the photo is almost artful. I don’t know who took it, but Charlie especially looks great in it, being so carefree and joyful. The next post that catches my eye is one of Charlie next to a cat, and they’re both upside down. The caption reads: “90% of scientists can’t tell the difference between this boy and this cat!!” and there is a remarkable resemblance. I wonder if this is Charlie’s cat or just a photo he liked, but if he’s more of a cat person than a dog person I don’t know if we can be friends anymore. I smile. It is a really cute photo. I keep scrolling, and there’s a post from September of last year that’s just…darker than the others. When I pause to look at it, I recognize the corridor to the gym locker rooms, and there’s a uniform tie on the floor. The caption just says “hate this place” - all lowercase. That dulls my rising spirits a bit. 

--What happened there that would have made Charlie so upset?--

     That’s when it hits me. It never really registered before, but I remember some of the comments I heard around the sports guys last year. It only now clicks why Charlie’s name was familiar - people talked about him a lot last spring term, and not in a good way. I remember hearing things: “Did you hear some year 9 is gay?”, “It’s not really bullying, he sort of asked for it.”, “It's an all-boys school, what did he expect?”, “I bet he was looking at us in the changing room.”, “He’s so gross.”, “He’s such a loser.” Even Harry made some comment towards the beginning of term doubting Charlie’s ability in rugby because he was gay. As it’s all flooding back I realise I have to message him. I don’t know what it says about me that I didn’t say anything about the bullying back then, but right now, after what happened today with Ben, I need to make sure Charlie’s okay. I open up our chat and look at his message again - trying to figure out what to say.

     “It’s fine!!”

No, that’s too superficial.

     “That sounds like a pretty serious situation.”

It does, but I don’t want to come on too strong. This isn’t something I want to push him to talk about before he’s ready, and I can’t assume how he’s feeling.

     “Please don’t talk to Ben anymore lol”

God, it’s not a joke though, obviously he shouldn’t talk to Ben…

I finally settle on something and send it before I can second-guess myself.

     “Are you feeling okay?”

I get a response almost immediately:

     “yeah, I’m fine, don’t worry 😊"

The thing is… I’ve pulled this before - the whole, ‘Yeah I’m fine, don’t worry about me!’ and usually I’m either lying to the other person, lying to myself, or both. I type out:

     “You sure??”

And I wait.

I can see that Charlie’s typing and deleting his messages several times over before I just sigh and set my phone down, moving to pet Nellie, and give her a quick kiss. It doesn’t help to just stare at my phone waiting for a response when I did the same thing: not knowing what to send less than five minutes ago.

I finally look back at our messages at 21:31 - after some quality dog time. My last DM is tagged as “Seen 10m ago”. I know he needs time, but I can’t let Charlie isolate himself with this. I start typing out a string of messages, not wanting to wait to send it all at once.

     “You can talk to me about it if you want”

     “Sounds like a pretty serious situation”

     “But you don’t have to”

     “If you don’t want to”

     “But I am your friend and I do care”

It feels like all my pent-up worry from the day comes out stream-of-consciousness in those messages. At this point, I wait to see if and what Charlie’s response will be. I’ve let him know that I care and he can talk to me, so the offer is there if he needs it.

A typing bubble pops up not long after my little speech of sorts, and he says:

     “well it started last september.”

There’s another pause then where neither of us starts up the conversation before he sends me:

     “might be a bit of a long story…”

I shoot back: “I don’t mind!!” as quickly as I can. I am legitimately curious as to what the story is, and I want to be here to support him. And the tale starts.

     “everyone at school had found out i was gay by then. the bullying had mostly stopped i guess and people had started being nice to me (there was a group of Sixth Formers who stopped the bullies) but everyone in the school knew i was gay.”

     “so i was practicing my drums one morning before form in a practice room and I look up and see Ben looking through the door window. he walks in and starts telling me how good i am at playing the drums, and I’m just sitting there like ‘what the fuck’ because I’ve never spoken to him before in my life… but also kind of freaking out because I thought he was really attractive…”

     “eventually he comes in and sits next to me and starts talking about me coming out at school, and like, how ‘brave’ i am and stuff… even though it’s not like i came out myself or anything, it just got out because i told a couple of people…”

     “and then next thing I know he’s just kissing me”

     “and yeah, we just continued to meet up sometimes at school before form. and like…i was so excited about it. but - i guess you heard today how he was about all that, and then in January i found out he had a girlfriend”

     “he never actually wanted to be my boyfriend”

     “i guess he was just using me”

     “sorry…i know he’s your friend

Is he? I never even knew him very well to begin with - Charlie knows more about me from hanging around for a month than most of my friends have learned about me in three years. And this… this is the last straw. If Ben is capable of this kind of manipulative bullshit I don’t know how anyone could consider him a friend unless he does some serious work on himself.

     “Well he’s definitely not anymore!!!!”

     “GOD I hate him so much”

     “Please don’t ever talk to him again”

I fire off in rapid succession before Charlie messages back:

     “thanks for being my supportive straight friend haha”

I just look at that message for a bit. My immediate instinct is to shrug off the compliment, but my stomach tightens slightly, and I reply before I can get too stuck in my head again.

     “Lol that’s okay!!!”

     “If he ever comes near you again I’ll kick his ass”

     Which is absolutely true. I know that violence isn’t the answer, but I feel like in this situation a solid right hook to the jaw might do everyone some good. I’m considering the best way to knock Ben out if the need arises, and my phone buzzes again with a message from Charlie. When I look down, there’s no actual text, just a single red heart emoji as his status switches off of active. I stare at it for a moment and there’s an excitement that bleeds into my smile. I don’t know how long I sit there, but eventually I tell myself I need to actually go to bed if I want to be well-rested for brunch with my mum tomorrow morning, so I plug in my phone and nestle up to Nellie feeling relieved now that Charlie’s opened up to me about everything. Though…I may fall asleep still thinking about that heart…

Chapter Text

Snow Day

     We’re coming up on the half-term now - it’s the last two weeks before February break, and Charlie and I have gotten back into a comfortable rhythm after everything that happened last Friday. We've been messaging more often too, now that the ice is broken on that front. Our conversations flow just as easily over Instagram as they do in real life, it's incredible. I scroll through our old messages sometimes in study hall - just to fill my quota of Charlie wisdom when he can't actively text me.

One of the earliest chains of messages I tend to go back to was spurred by Charlie worrying that he was texting me too much and it might annoy me.

“I messaged you first!!”

“I like talking to you”

“Also I'm so booooored”

“I have this geography project to do”

“ew why did you pick geography as your gcse”

“Because I'm an idiot”

“What did you pick?”

“music, latin, spanish, classic lit”

“You picked four???”

“Omg you are smart”

“Also you can't criticize me for having geography when you do LATIN”

“okay okay true”

“you can figure out how to solve global warming”

“while I learn a dead language”

“Seriously why Latin?”

“because it's cool”

“I am judging you so hard right now”

“ffs I promise i'm cool”

“Nope you have been exposed as a NERD”

“rude!!!!!!”

“A cool nerd?”

“that's better”

“lmao”

     He never fails to get a laugh out of me, even over the phone. Our most recent messages are a bit more competitive given that Charlie challenged my position as King of the Kart last night.

“I mean I thought I was but now idk”

“we're gonna have to have a mario kart tournament aren't we”

“I think we are”

“it's ON”

“Anywayyyy I have to sleep now”

“It's so late haha”

“omg it is i didn't even notice”

Neither did I.

………

     It’s Tuesday, so we don’t have practice after school, and right now we’re just sitting in form, flipping through pictures on my phone instead of doing our work.

“This is Nellie,” I say, scrolling through the enormous catalogue of photos I keep saved of my dog.

“Oh my god, she’s so cute! I wish I had a dog. My parents don’t like animals.” Charlie explains, downtrodden.

“You should come round my house and meet her. Are you free on Saturday?”

The suggestion pops into my head with no hesitance. I’ve kind of been wanting to invite Charlie over anyway, and if he gets the chance to spend some quality time with one of the best dogs on the planet - bonus.

“Yeah, I think so,” he replies, quietly smiling, and I nod, holding back a smile too.

………

     Saturday rolls around much faster than I thought it would, and I may have stayed up a little late last night frantically cleaning, but that’s my business. Regardless, this morning I’ve mostly been sitting around aimlessly waiting for Charlie to arrive. We got our parents in contact this week, and our mums agreed that he could come over around 11:00 and stay through the afternoon, but Charlie’s family wanted him home for dinner - so we figured he could walk back around 16:00. When we were planning this whole thing we realised that our houses are only a ten-minute walk from each other, so we can basically visit whenever we want, as long as it's cleared with our respective families of course. My mum is hanging around the house, but she said that as long as we don’t blast any punk rock or destroy anything she’ll let us have free reign. I’m pacing around the kitchen moving my tea from one end of the counter to the other as I sip at it when I hear the doorbell ring. I jog over to our entryway - it’s not quite a full mudroom, but we have a rack for shoes and coats, and a mat for rainy days to wipe off anything that we track in. On that account, it seems fairly clear today, if it is a bit chilly outside. I unlock and open the door - with Nellie sitting next to me, excitedly wagging her tail - and Charlie is standing outside all bundled up in his usual coat, but with the addition of a scarf and beanie given the weather.

“Hey!”

“Hey,” Charlie says, slipping off his hat.

“Uh,” I point down to my side, “this is Nellie.”

Charlie’s face lights up as he kneels to pet her.

“Hey Nellie! You’re so adorable.”

--My two favorite people meeting at last! Well, one of them is a dog, but whatever.--

     As Charlie starts to stand up again, I realise something’s changed since the last time I saw him.

“You got a haircut!” I reach out, lightly pulling at his curly hair, which is slightly shorter than it was on Friday - he had to miss practice, and I guess this is why. The curls in his hair are slightly looser now too, and it’s… nice.

“Uh, is it… is it bad?” he asks nervously.

I pull my hand back, I probably shouldn’t just randomly keep touching his hair. “No, you look-"

Beautiful is the first thing that pops into my head, but…I can't just say that…can I?

"-it looks great!”

We smile at each other for a second before Nellie whines, reminding me that we’re still standing in the open doorway.

“Okay, you’d better come in or Nellie will think we’re going for a walk.”

“Okay,” Charlie laughs as he steps inside. I show him where he can hang up his outer layers and store his shoes - so he doesn't overheat - before we end up heading upstairs to my room.

--My mum and I live in one of the newer buildings in the London suburbs, so we have both heating and cooling, which is a huge relief in the summer when half the old city is fighting off heatstroke--

     Since me and Charlie had messaged about our respective skills in Mario Kart 8 not too long ago, we have that loaded up on my switch. It's even connected to my TV so we can both sit on my bed and still see what’s happening. We’ve played at least five games at this point, and Charlie has crushed me in all of them so far. This time we switched characters to hopefully give me a fighting chance, so I’m playing Boo and Charlie is playing Toad, but he’s still getting dangerously close to me on the last lap of the Wario’s Gold Mine track. 

“I’m in the lead.”

“You’re not going to win,” Charlie challenges.

“Can you let me win one time? You’ve won five or six games,” I whine.

“Yeah, and I’m going easy on you.” Charlie even has the audacity to look away from the screen as he taunts me.

“No, no”

“Yes!” He celebrates, crossing the finish line just a few frames before I do.

“How are you so good at this?” It’s honestly flabbergasting.

“You get to be good at real sports, I get to be good at fake ones.”

Okay, that argument is absolute crap.

“No, you’re just good at everything.”

“No, I’m not.”

“You are, you’re a proper little nerd.”

“I’m not!” Charlie says, trying unsuccessfully to persuade me.

“Let’s see. You’re good at video games, literally all school subjects, but especially maths. Playing the drums, befriending dogs, and you are good at sports. Like you run so fast!”

“Shut up!” Charlie almost scolds me as he puts a hand over my mouth and tackles me backward so I’m laying on my bed. 

“You know it’s true!” I protest, but my words are muffled by his hand.

“Get off me! Get off!” I playfully shove at him, but after a second he sits up all of a sudden, looking out the window.

“Oh my god!”

“Wot?” I ask, sitting up now as well.

“It’s snowing!”

     I turn to look out the window, and Charlie’s right, there’s snow coming down fast outside, and it seems like enough to actually coat the ground. We turn back to look at each other and reach an unspoken agreement - we’re going to go play in the snow. We race downstairs to grab our coats when I realise Charlie only has the jacket he wore over, and that doesn’t do much more than block the wind. I look through the jumpers I have hanging up down here and find my favorite blue hoodie - also my favorite color - which should work to keep him warm. I bring it back to where he’s standing by the back door and offer it to him. 

“Okay, try this one.”

“It’s a bit big,” he chuckles.

I laugh a bit too, but it looks good on him. “That one looks good.”

We don the rest of our gear as fast as we can and run out to my backyard. 

--It’s only walled on the sides to separate us from our neighbors, but all the houses around here are actually open at the back to a little forested area that looks absolutely magical when it snows--

 I call Nellie out after us, and she is more than happy to jump around after snowflakes and get pets.

     It feels like we’re in our own little snow globe as we enjoy the weather together. For a bit we just look around, admiring the landscape, and I manage to catch some flakes on my tongue. It doesn't take long for a snowball fight to start though, and at first, it's very strategic. I hide behind a tree to build up my arsenal while Charlie dodges my throws; Charlie manages to sneak behind me and get a perfect curveball before running to hide behind some brush, but the battle devolves pretty quickly and soon I'm just piling snow on him while he attempts to gather enough to actually form a ball, and when he stands back up he takes his revenge by tossing loose snow in my face before I can get away. It's maybe the most fun I've had all term . Once we’ve worn ourselves out running around and throwing snowballs at each other, Charlie lays down to make a snow angel, and I manage to get a good angle to take a picture before I lay down too. We end up talking, taking pictures with us two and Nellie, and hanging out for a while in our winter wonderland after that. I lose track of time until my fingers and the tip of my nose start to go a bit numb from the cold, and I suggest we should probably get inside to warm up a bit. I reluctantly get up as Charlie laments the human condition "not allowing infinite time in the snow". I offer him my hand and help him up, Nellie scrambling to follow on our heels as we head in. When his hand is in mine there's this tingling feeling on my skin that flashes for just a moment before Charlie pulls his hands into his pockets again. It's not…unpleasant. As soon as we get inside and shut the door against the breeze I peel off my coat and go to find some blankets for us to bundle up in. We end up in my living room, just chatting for a while longer, snacking on some fish and chips I had leftover in the fridge from last night. 

………

Charlie heads out around quarter 4, and my mom tells him goodbye in the kitchen before I and Nellie walk him to the door.

“You really have to go home?”

“Yeah…my dad said I have to be home for dinner.”

“Well, Nellie will miss you,” I say, holding Nellie up, who I currently have barely held in my arms.

“I’ll miss Nellie too. And thanks for the hoodie! I’ll give it to you on Monday!

Charlie ended up keeping my blue one on after we came in because he was still cold before we broke out the blankets, but I don’t mind.

“No problem,” I reassure him as he steps out the door. “Don’t slip and die on the ice!”

“I’ll try not to!” he calls as he makes his way down my driveway, back home.

I give Nellie a few belly scratches with one hand before setting her down, shutting the door, and heading back to the kitchen. I brew some earl grey in the kettle and add some fresh milk when my mum looks up from her iPad.

"Charlie's a lovely boy, when did you meet him?"

"Um, a few months ago? He's in my form."

"He's different to your other friends, isn't he? You seem much more yourself around him."

"Do I?"

"You do." She says confidently, but also like she's gently trying to lead me to some realization for myself. I take a sip of my tea and furrow my eyebrows. I guess she's not wrong, I do feel better and…freer around Charlie than I do any of my other mates. 

     I walk out of the kitchen to go snuggle up on the couch as I think about what my mum said. What I have with Charlie is so different from anything I've experienced with my school friends. We take the mick out of each other on occasion, but we can also just talk. We compliment each other, we laugh, he borrowed my favorite hoodie… It was really nice seeing him in something of mine in the snow, with the flakes catching in his hair as we laid next to each other talking about everything and nothing at the same time. I love spending time with him, and I think he likes spending time with me too. Seeing him open up over the past few weeks has been amazing, and I find myself looking forward to more days like today if we get the chance over the next week and hopefully over half-term…

-Wait-

--Did I think of him as my favorite person?--

Chapter Text

Charlie's Place

     The next Monday I come into school with a smile already on my face. I get to our usual table by the gate and sit, enjoying the morning air for a minute. My peaceful silence is interrupted when Ben walks up soon after me. It's been uncomfortable to say the least, having to sit with him in the mornings. Whenever we have to interact or even be in the same place there's a tension in the air. He knows I know what he did, and it puts him on guard. Seeing him just makes me frustrated because half of me wants to sock him in the face for everything he did to Charlie, and the other half of me knows that wouldn't help anybody - just cause more drama, which is the last thing I want. Speaking of Charlie though, I pull out my phone to text him. I know we have form in less than an hour, but I don't want to wait that long to talk to him.

"Soooo I was wondering if you wanted to hang out again this weekend"

 I look back over the text to make sure there are no typos when Imogen walks up behind me.

"Who are you texting?" she asks in an almost sing-songy tone.

I turn off my phone so she can't see anything before replying.

"Your mum."

"Woah, great joke Nicholas," she says, obviously not impressed, but she's still smiling.

"Who are you texting?" she asks again before sliding up shoulder-to-shoulder with me and making a play for my phone.

"Don't!"

"Come on, who's DMs have you slid into?"

"I haven't, god."

"Well, okay, fine," she finally relents. " He's definitely chirpsing someone!" she says back to the rest of the group as they all half-cheer, half-mock the whole situation. Imogen actually might be the person I'm closest to in my group, but she can be nosy and over-the-top sometimes. But…she's also always been really observant. It's one of the things I admire about her, and she's implying I was "sliding into someone's DMs" or "Chirpsing" someone. That someone was Charlie even if she didn't know it and… was I ? 

     I delete my text. I'll talk to him later anyways.

………

     The last week before break goes by pretty fast, and me and Charlie do actually get to spend more time together over the half term. We end up setting something up almost every day. We can't quite convince our parents to let us have a sleepover yet, but Charlie visits my house a few more times and we even go to some shops downtown once - Charlie taught me how to actually use the bus routes. I don't come round to his house though, since his family is pretty busy over the break still, and my place is generally quieter since it's just me and my mum. 

     Thanks for the most part to Charlie I survived coming back to school, and this first week back we have our opening game of the rugby season. It's actually going pretty well. We're up against another more academic school, so it’s a fairly easy game for us, and since they’re located within a few miles it’s scheduled right after school with very little fanfare. Charlie’s standing on the sidelines, and it’s nice to have him right there even when he’s not playing - to look to for support or celebration. We’re nearing the end of the match and as I make the final point Ms. Singh calls the game and everyone on the Truham team swarms together, patting my back as I try to escape the small mosh pit that’s forming. I look over to where I’ve seen Charlie throughout the game, and he seems to be talking with a taller boy wearing a grey beanie and a fanny pack. 

--He looks familiar, and I realize it's from Charlie's New Year's Instagram post. So he must be one of Charlie’s friends he sits with at lunch--

I manage to catch Charlie's attention after calling his name a few times and wave to him, lifting my hand in the air to make sure he can see me at this distance. He gives me a smaller wave back, and I feel comforted now in turning back to the team and getting swept up in the celebration.

     The next morning when I come into form, Charlie's already there and he looks a bit down. Sitting down, I say hey and he doesn't answer, just spaces out looking at me for a few seconds.

"Charlie?"

"Wot?"

"You just…spaced out."

Is he alright?

"Oh…"

I lean in a bit closer to him and ask, 

"Wot, what's up?"

He seems a bit off and I want to know what's bothering him. He just looks at me again and after a moment asks:

"Do you… Do you want to come round my house?"

I chuckle slightly. I'm glad that's all this was about. I haven't visited his house yet, and I'd love to see where he lives, what his room looks like, all that stuff.

"Yeah, absolutely!"

………

     We end up organizing a get-together on Saturday again, and my mum doesn't actually need me home for dinner, so I'm basically set to hang out at Charlie's place from 13:00 to 20:00 since I can walk back and then just get ready for bed. I give both my mum and Nellie a big hug after we have a quick lunch, and head over to Charlie's. The rest of his family is out of the house on some errand for his younger brother Oliver until later tonight, so it's just Charlie that greets me at the door. We go up to his room after I drop my jacket off in the front entryway, and the first thing I notice is his drum set. It's tucked in the corner of his room and looks sleeker than the one we have at school. He also has a ton more decorations than I do, so there's a comforting kind of cluttered feeling that fills the space. He's got a fluorescent orange sign over his bed that says "Music" which is giving off a soft light as we walk in. There's also a stocked bookshelf set floating over his bedside table and the obligatory band posters above the drum set. His whole room is just so… Charlie - kind of artistic, but in a fun, colorful way that's still laid back. It reminds me that he's giving me a backstage pass into his life outside of school by letting me see all of this. It feels cozy and…safe.

I think Charlie notices me looking around, but specifically at the drums.

"Do you want to try them out? I can teach you the basics," he offers.

"That, actually sounds awesome."

He grabs a pair of drumsticks off of his desk, which is tucked off to the left side of the door, and gestures me over to the drums as he sits down.

"So, this is an electric drum set, which basically just means that the sound comes from built-in speakers rather than sound waves actually reverberating in the drum base. It makes it easier to get a smoother sound when I'm just messing around, and it can connect to my headphones if I don't want to bother Tori too much."

--Charlie told me about Tori - his older sister - who sounds really cool. I'd love to actually meet her and get to know her a little bit. From what Charlie's told me she's generally a little quieter, but only because she's really good at observing people, she still calls it like it is with people she trusts--

"Cool! So how do you, I dunno, make it sound good?"

"Well, my star pupil," he chuckles, "I'll show you a simple combination and then let you try it out. You learn better by practicing anyway, especially with percussion instruments - you have to get a feel for it."

     He shows me a set of beats on the drums slowly at first and then speeds it up before handing the drumsticks to me. He really sounds like he could be a professional at this - with his playing, but also how he explains it all. I sit down on the stool and take the drumsticks in my hands, trying to tap out the same beat Charlie did a second ago. It… isn't the best. At some point I just go freestyle with it, seeing what sounds all the different drums make.

"You're terrible," Charlie laughs.

"I'm trying," I say with a smile - this really is harder than it looks.

"Here, budge up, let me help."

     Charlie moves from where he was standing beside me to sit down on the stool as well. It's not meant for two people, but we manage as Charlie squeezes in next to me. We're lined up all the way from shoulder to knee on my left side as Charlie puts his right arm over my left and grabs my hands, still holding the drumsticks. It's like an invisible energy builds up between us as he pulls my hands toward him and plays the combination he showed me earlier. He's so focused, and I try for a second to look at what he's… what we're playing, but I can't tear my eyes away from Charlie's face. I feel myself just smiling, looking at him, and before I know it the drumming stops. He looks over at me again.

"There, you're a pro now," he laughs.

My smile doesn't fade. It's a nice feeling - him still holding my hands, and I don't want to break the moment, but after a second Charlie seems to realise something and takes his hands back, standing up.

"Um, that's probably cheating though."

I don't really care.

………

     We hang out and chat a bit longer before Charlie's family gets home for dinner and I get short introductions to Charlie's parents, Tori, and Oliver, who seems like he's the most excited to see me out of the group, maybe even including Charlie. We end up ordering a pizza, and Charlie's family members scatter about the house as we move to the living room and pick out a movie. It's some romantic comedy I haven't seen before, but Charlie was very adamant I should watch for "the betterment of my life as a decent human being." I think it's called Bridget Jones' Diary, and it seems enjoyable so far, but I've been having trouble focusing. I still can't… I think I want to hold Charlie's hand again, and I don't know what that means. I look over at him, and he's fast asleep. 

--He started nodding off about halfway through the film, but I didn't want to wake him up. I actually just texted my mum letting her know I might be home a little later than planned, which she was fine with. I don't want to leave without saying bye to Charlie–

     He looks so peaceful like this, and…pretty. I smile to myself, realising how domestic this situation is. He managed to fall asleep on the couch with his hand rotated up, his arm extended between us. I could so easily just intertwine our fingers, but… he's still asleep, and… I don't know. I extend my hand toward his and let it hover for a second. My stomach does a backflip, and it feels like tiny fireworks are going off in my palm. I pull my hand back quickly as I feel my breathing pick up. That was…strange. But then again, maybe it wasn't. I think I know what this feeling is, but…

     It takes a second to untangle my hand from where it's crossed over my chest and hover it over Charlie's one more time. I sit there for a long moment, just letting my emotions roll over me, and that nervous, excited feeling doesn't go away. I pull my hand back again and look at Charlie. He's… he's so important to me. I finally draw my attention back to the screen as the protagonist is having that moment in every rom-com where she realises she actually has feelings for the guy that she's been denying and rushes off to catch him at the airport or something. It takes until the credits start rolling for Charlie to stir, and he finally stretches and asks in a groggy voice:

"How long have I been asleep?"

"You missed the end of the movie."

"Oh, sorry," he says, rubbing his eyes.

"No, don't be - it was good, and I'm glad you got some rest after your domination of the rugby field this week."

He playfully shoves at my arm.

"Yeah yeah, we both know full well I'm not getting on the field unless someone calls in sick."

"You're really good though - you picked it up fast!"

"Thanks," he says, looking down at his lap bashfully.

He ends up walking me to the door a few minutes later - after we've cleaned up our half-eaten popcorn and other snacks - still wearing a blanket draped around his shoulders.

"I wish you didn't have to go."

"I wish I didn't have to either," I agree as I slip my jacket back on. I pause for a moment at the door.

"You look so…cuddly like that," I say,   while adjusting my collar, because it's true. All snuggled up like that Charlie looks really cute.

"Do I?"

"Yeah." I look at Charlie and - I just really want to hold him, so I do. I wrap him in my arms, hugging him for a second.

     We both stand there, and it's so warm. The seconds stretch. I feel safe but jittery at the same time and… he wraps his arms around me too. Oh . I… I have to go. I just, I don't want to, but, maybe I should, I…

I break away from him, turning quickly for the door, just saying:

"Alright, see you Monday," and I'm back outside in the cool air heading home.

     I don't even remember most of the walk before getting back to my house and greeting my mum briefly before running up to my room. I take my jacket and shoes off, tossing them to the side before sitting on my bed and taking out my phone. I open up Instagram to just turn my brain off, and the first post that pops up is from my mate Christian at the rugby match this week. It has me at the center being held up by my teammates after scoring our winning point, but it feels…fake. I was genuinely happy to have won, but that camaraderie feels forced sometimes. I don't know if I would be friends with any of those guys if it weren't for rugby. I scroll down, and the next photo is one that Charlie posted captioned "snow day ❄" It's one I took of him and sent after our hang-out before half-term. I switch out of Instagram and tap on my already opened gallery folder. I took a lot of pictures that day - and I haven't deleted any since. I find one of both of us and Nellie sitting up in the snow. It's one of my favorites. Maybe it's strange that I've looked through these photos enough to have favorites, but… it doesn't feel strange. I zoom in on Charlie's face and stare at his smile, and his eyes, and his hair, and my hoodie, and his lips, and…

I think I like him

     I set my phone down and jog over to my beanbag chair, opening up my laptop. I open up google and I sit there. This is crazy, this doesn't feel like the kind of thing you search for on the internet. But I don't know what I'm doing and some answers are better than none. I hit enter.

Chapter Text

The Invite

"am I gay?"

     I go down a rabbit hole. Quizzes, news articles, more quizzes, informational pages on opposition to marriage equality, something called conversion therapy. There's so much sadness, and every question I look at just makes me more confused. Am I overprotective of Charlie? I don't think I am. Have I liked anyone else? I mean there was Tara, but we were 13. I'm not getting anywhere - all I'm finding is a history of pain I didn't know might be mine and 62% homosexual, whatever the hell that means. I feel a tear fall from my eye as I close my laptop. I don't even bother to plug it in. I just collapse into bed and try desperately to sleep.

………

     Sunday is a drag. I didn't end up getting changed last night, so I feel a little stale, and I try my best to get ready for the day without worrying my mum. The week starts off not great either. It's Wednesday today and I still feel off-kilter. Seeing Charlie in form is always nice, and being able to focus on physical stuff in rugby has been a life-saver, but even they both have another level of complication to them now. Am I the rugby lad or am I Charlie's friend? Can I be both? Maybe I'm neither . I'm sitting at my usual table in the morning when Harry comes up and pats my shoulder.

"Nicholas!"

"All right?"

He nods, "How's it?"

"Fine," I say, "normal."

I'm not actually fine, thank you for asking Harry, I know you'd love to have a deep discussion with me about sexuality and societal pressures today without making any untoward comments.

"Pleased for you mate."

"So, uh, what's up?"

"I'm here to talk about a party mate."

"A party?"

"My sixteenth birthday party!"

Oh, right. I vaguely knew that was coming up.

"Saint George's hotel this Saturday. You're going to be there."

"Uh…yeah, sounds good."

     As much of a roller coaster as these last few days have been, maybe a party will be fun. I'll get to be around my mates somewhere outside of school and have some breathing room to just be ridiculous for a night. And given that Harry's parents are mega-rich, they've probably decked out the hotel. The sole fact that they rented out a whole hotel still boggles my mind.

"You better bring some cool people with you as well," Harry adds before turning to inform the rest of the group.

I mean, if I'm allowed to invite people… I could invite Charlie.

Imogen scoots up next to me. I move over a bit to give her room at the edge of the table, but she just moves closer to me again…

"Are you going to invite me?"

Did Harry not invite her? "Um, only if you're cool enough, apparently," I tease.

She seems jokingly offended at that, "Uh, do you not think I'm cool, Nick Nelson?"

I pretend to consider her question for a bit.

"Fine, I… I suppose I can invite you, Imogen."

She looks genuinely happy and a bit surprised at my acceptance, or I suppose offering, of an invite.

"Yeah! Yeah, definitely."

Now that's settled, we just stand around, chatting occasionally between the two of us until the bell rings.

………

     The day goes pretty smoothly after that, but I still don't know quite how to ask Charlie about the party. We're in the locker room right now getting dressed for practice after school, and I just want to look at Charlie and talk to him, but I know he's never gotten quite comfortable around the rugby team, so I don't want to push him. Plus, there's various gossiping chatter going on around us that I only catch onto right before they mention my name.

"Do you know Tara Jones is going to be there?"

"Mate, she's fit!"

"Nick is going to have his pick of two girls!"

Charlie and I make strained eye contact for a second before we both look away.

"Who's the other girl?"

"Imogen obviously. Everybody knows she fancies him."

"Hey, what?" I finally break my silent streak.

"Oh um, nothing. We're just talking about Tara Jones," Sai tries to deflect despite the fact that I was less than two feet away from them when they were just talking about me. "She's going to be at Harry's party."

"What about her?" 

"Thought you might be interested mate," Harry says. God, I wish they would all just mind their own bloody business.

"Didn't you have some childhood romance thing with her?" Christian buts in and asks.

"We don't have a thing. We just kissed at a party one time." I say, leaning over to pull on my shoes - and hopefully hide my growing frustration with this whole conversation.

"Yeah, that was years ago. Nick's got a thing with Imogen now," Sai says as if he’s an expert on the subject.

"No. No, I don't." Why can't they take a hint, and I hate that Charlie's having to hear all of this. None of their speculation is even remotely close to the truth.

"He has two proper fit girls trying to get with him, and he's not even bothered," Christian comments.

"If you're not into Imogen," Harry breaks in again, "then Saturday night's your chance with Tara. That's all I'm saying."

"Yeah, maybe." But it's not what I want. I try to look at Charlie to… I don't know, reassure him, but he averts his gaze down at the ground as soon as our eyes meet.

     The rest of practice is more of the same. Most of the guys drop the Imogen talk, but a few, including Harry, feel it's their obligation to get me a date. The worst part is Charlie doesn't stick around afterward, so I don't have a chance to talk to him until tomorrow. Maybe that's okay - I might need tonight just to figure out what to say.

My mum picks me up outside and checks to see how practice went. The training itself was good, but I think she can tell something is off.

"Nicky…"

"Yeah?"

"Are you alright dear? You seem a little downcast today."

"Yeah, no, I'm fine, it's just… Harry's birthday is this Saturday and he said I could invite people. I really want to invite Charlie, but I don't know how to ask him since he doesn't really know Harry that well."

"Well, there's never any harm in asking, is there? And if he doesn't want to go, he doesn't want to go. That won't change because you offer him an invite."

"Yeah… yeah, you're right. Thanks, mum," I smile at her, and she smiles back before continuing the drive home. Over dinner, we end up watching Mama Mia for like the fourth time this year already, but it cheers me up, so what’s the harm? We also end up ironing out the details of when she can drop me off and pick me up from St. George's and everything is set before I go to sleep. I have a plan for form now too, after puzzling around in my head for the right words almost all night, and I'm feeling better than I have all week. There’s something to look forward to now.

………

Charlie gets to form a few minutes after I've sat down.

"Hi!" He really is the best.

I try to start a sentence a few times before I just say, "Do you want to go to Harry's party? With me." … With me ?

"Oh, I…I don't know, it doesn't really sound like my sort of thing."

" Please come, I want you to be there."

He looks at me curiously for a second.

"Okay," he agrees softly.

We both smile, and I'm so glad I get to hang out with Charlie at this thing. It might have been kind of unbearable otherwise. He looks away to finish getting set up for class. I don't.

Chapter Text

The Party

     I'm one of the first people here since, I guess… yeah, I've been Harry's friend the longest, or, known him longest I suppose. I don't think we actually know each other quite as well as some of the other chaps on the team. Regardless, my mum drops me off at St. George's around 18:00 and there's a crew of people just finishing setup when I arrive. The main lobby has been transformed into a dance floor with glow sticks and balloons and stuff by the door and automated colored lights hanging from the second-story balcony - I've been told there are speakers somewhere, but they're well hidden. They've even got a full bar set up where you can get drinks and snacks throughout the night. There was actually a security guard at the door when I got here with a list of names of people who are allowed to come into the party. My name was pretty early on, and I made sure he had the two guests I had invited listed under me: Charlie and Imogen, which we got set without too much hassle. Harry is giving me the grand tour with a couple of our other rugby mates, and it is genuinely awesome to see all the stops his parents pulled. Ben isn't here yet either, so I don't have to deal with that whole situation yet. 

     Other guests start arriving around 19:00 after the main table group (minus Ben and Imogen) hung out for a while - I mostly stayed with Sai, Christian, and Otis. Now though, it’s about half seven and the dance floor has been really going for ten or so minutes. We’re in a mini dance circle around Harry and I’m hyping up his robot when Imogen taps me on the shoulder.

“Hey!”

“Hey!” We hug, and it’s good to know that she was able to make it.

I don't hold onto her for very long.

“How are you?” she asks - we’re having to shout a bit to hear each other over the music despite our proximity.

“I’m good, yeah.”

“Yeah? Great! Do you like my dress?”

“Yeah,” I reply as she turns to greet some of her other friends and I return to Harry’s group of folks. 

--Recently my interactions with Imogen have had this weird undercurrent that I can’t quite tap into. She seems to be trying to ask for or find something out and I don’t know what it is. I mean…there’s what the rugby lads were saying in the locker room, but if that’s what’s going on I don’t know if I want to have to confront it. Imogen’s lovely, but I just don’t like her like that --

But…now that Imogen’s here I wonder when Charlie is showing up. I’ve been looking for him since the doors opened half an hour ago and I’m kind of anxious to escape with him.

     ♪ Where you go, I’ll follow ♪

     ♪ I know we only just met, so why do I feel invested? ♪

The playlist that they have going is not something I would have expected Harry to pick out - maybe he didn’t - but it’s really good so far. I feel like the song playing right now is pulling lyrics straight out of my head.

     ♪ And do you feel it too, do you feel it too? ♪

    ♪ I can be your best yet, future favorite regret ♪

     ♪ Do you feel it too? Do you feel it too? ♪

As I listen, I fully abandon trying to seem interested in Harry’s dancing and sweep my eyes over the crowd to see if I can pick Charlie out. There are already hundreds of people here, it’s crazy. Though, there are a couple people moving in from the direction of the front door still and…

Finally

We see each other at the same time and I smile at him as I make my way over. 

Charlie’s wearing this nice maroon button-down that’s both fancier and more comfortable than his usual school attire, and his hair is perfectly styled.

     ♪ So I’ll just tell my telephone all of the above when I’m alone ♪

     ♪ I’ve got to let you know ♪

     ♪ That I think I love you so ♪

We meet in the middle of the floor and I grab his shoulders lightly.

“I’ve been looking for you!”

We both said it at the same time, and we both laugh at our shared relief.

     ♪ You could be my only one ♪

     ♪ Cause I think I love you so ♪

“It’s so loud in here! D’you want to go get a drink?” I ask over the music and chatter surrounding us.

“Yeah, sure.”

I lead the way over to the bar/lounge area that Harry showed me earlier and it is definitely calmer in here; there are a lot fewer people as well. There’s a woman behind the bar who was hired to run things, and she turns her attention to us as we approach.

“Um, I think I’ll have an orange cream soda please.”

“Coming right up, and for you?” she looks at Charlie.

“Um…could I have a Shirley Temple please?”

“Absolutely! Shaken?”

“Sure,” Charlie says, looking to me, but I’m also a bit confused.

     She hands me a glass of bottled orange cream soda - my favorite - and then she pulls together some ingredients behind the counter and actually mixes Charlie’s drink right in front of us. There’s even some bottle flipping that happens that has us absolutely gobsmacked. She pours the Shirley Temple into a metal cup with a reusable straw, and both have a vibrant, chrome rainbow coloring to them.

“That was awesome!”

“It so was!” Charlie agrees, before turning to the bartender and thanking her.

………

     We end up finding a couch in the corner of the room and just chatting it up and laughing for…I don't know how long - I lose track of time. It’s so much more fun in here with Charlie than it was out in that huge crowd.

“I’m being serious, I’ve never seen anyone. I literally dragged my mum to play Mario Kart with me-”

I’m just touting Charlie’s gaming skills when Harry pops out of nowhere.

“Nicholas!”

“All right, mate?” I’m a little flustered by the sudden interruption.

“Why are you hanging out in here? It’s a bit boring innit?”

“We just are.” Where is he going with this? And he’s talking like Charlie's not even here.

“I’ve got important news for you,” Harry says, sitting down and putting his arm around my shoulders.

“Yeah, wot?”

“Tara Jones is here.” Not this again.

“So wot?”

“So this is your big second chance mate! Let’s make it happen.” Harry leans over me - to actually talk to Charlie this time. “They kissed when they were 13. Proper romantic! He should go for it, right?”

No.

Charlie doesn’t say anything, just vaguely half-smiles.

“Come on, mate.”

“Harry,” I try to discourage him. I really don’t want to leave Charlie on his own.

“Come on, she’s just down the corridor,” he keeps going, pulling me up and towards the hallway to the dance floor.

“I haven’t talked to her for, like, years.”

“So? She's super hot now, man.” Okay, and now we’re objectifying her, great.

“All right ladies?” Harry breaks into the conversation Tara was obviously already having with her friends. “Hey, Tara, I’ve got someone who wants to see you.” Tara also looks wary of Harry’s antics. “You remember Nick Nelson?”

“Uh, yeah, hi,” she says.

“Hi.” Harry finally steps away when we actually start talking.

“How are you?”

“Um, yeah, I’m fine. You?”

“Yeah, I’m good.” There's an awkward pause after that.

“Anyway, sorry about this, Harry sort of dragged me over here, “ I try to diffuse some of the tension between us.

“It’s fine. I know what he’s like.”

“I don’t know why like all my friends want to set us up.” She chuckles at that.

“Not that you’re not, like, um, you know…” oh god, where am I going with this. “I don’t really feel that way…”

“Nick, it’s fine,” she breaks me out of my panic, “I don’t feel that way about you either.”

I heave a sigh, “Yeah.”

“All of this could have been avoided if I just…” she pauses.

“What?” I ask.

She shrugs and says, “told everyone I was a lesbian.” Huh.

“Well, yeah, um, but that’s not something you’d really want to lie about…”

“Wouldn't be a lie,” she says, almost like she's sharing the secret behind a magic trick.

“What?” She just nods at my questioning tone.

“Oh, you actually are?”

     She gestures over her shoulder to a girl with shoulder-length blonde hair and a dress with a colorful firework-type pattern who’s throwing chocolates in the air and trying to catch them in her mouth. “That’s my girlfriend over there.” Tara shakes her head when she sees her girlfriend’s messing about, but turns back to me smiling. “We’ve mostly been keeping it quiet.”

“Yeah…so, why are you telling me?”

“Me and Darcy have been talking, and honestly, we feel like we don’t need to keep it that quiet anymore.”

“You mean, like, come out?”

“Not necessarily,” Tara says slightly nervously, “Um, we don’t want to make a big announcement, but…maybe just not hide so much.”

“That’s cool!” It really does sound nice.

“I mean, I’ve only ever met one openly gay person before. Do you know Charlie Spring?”

“Yeah, I know of Charlie Spring. Uh, are you friends?”

“Yeah, we sit next to each other in form.”

She gives me a look that seems maybe just a bit too knowing.

“He’s probably…yeah, probably is my best friend right now.” That’s the first time I’ve said it out loud, but I realise it’s absolutely true. Charlie is probably the best friend I’ve ever had. He’s so kind, and he always listens when I need him to, and he’s actually really funny despite how quiet he might seem-

“Oh,” Tara stumbles a bit as her girlfriend - Darcy - runs into her from behind.

“Wanna dance?” Tara asks.

“Yes please!”

“Gotta go,” Tara says to me as she’s pulled onto the dance floor.

     That was so much better than I thought it was going to be despite how hurried everything was. I got to honestly catch up with an old friend, and there wasn’t a ton of drama about our whole orchestrated will-they-won’t-they. It also feels really nice that Tara trusted me enough to come out to me. Knowing that there are other queer people who I can talk to and be around is amazing. Speaking of, I turn around to go back to Charlie but… he’s not sat on the couch anymore. Oh god, he probably left after the whole mess with Harry, I’ve got to go find him . I start heading to the main floor when I hear a voice behind me.

“Nick! Where you going?” Harry.

“I’m just gonna go find Charlie.”

“Wot, that nerdy little year 10? Why d’you even hang out with him?”

“He’s my friend.” I try to keep my voice even as I feel that defensiveness rise up in me again.

“But why? Do you just feel sorry for him ‘cause he’s gay?”

“Wot?” Why is he like this? I never thought Harry was this bad but…I really dislike how he makes me feel, how he makes Charlie feel with all his snide comments…

“Oh my god, now, wait, wait. Do you think he has a crush on you?”

     I hate that he says it like I should be disgusted or something, or almost worse - that I should pity Charlie for such an awful lot in life. Honestly… I hope he has a crush on me. I hope he feels as free with me as I do with him, but… not like Harry puts it. He shouldn’t have any right to have an opinion on either of us.

“Oh my god, how sad!”

I take a second to pluck up my courage.

“That’s homophobic, Harry.”

“Come on, mate,” he actually seems just slightly hurt by that - good.

“And I really don’t like you.” I turn and walk away. “Happy birthday,” I murmur under my breath as I make my way to find my one real friend at this party.

     I make a circuit around the entire dance floor with no luck, so I decide to take the stairs to try to get a view from above. I’m not checking any of the side hallways or rooms yet, because that is a lot of space to check, and it’s more likely Charlie is hanging out somewhere he’s already been. I lean over the banister of the second-floor landing, looking at the crowd, but I can’t pick out Charlie’s hair or outfit anywhere. I make my way to the second-floor bathrooms calling for him just to check, but he’s not here either. I decide to go back around to the stairs to see if he maybe did go through the side corridor from the lounge - he can’t just have left… I hope he hasn’t left. I'm making my way back through the transformed lobby again when someone grabs my arm. 

“Nicholas!” It’s Imogen, and she pulls me off course, putting her arms around my neck. “Come dance with me!”

“I can’t dance.”

“I don’t care,” she grabs my hands and starts dancing with me while I basically just stand there. There’s no alcohol allowed at the party, but I’m not sure she seems entirely sober at the moment. 

“Sorry, I have to go. I was just looking for someone.” I take a step to leave, but she pulls me back toward her again.

“No, stay with me! I want to hang out with you,” she’s pushing up really close to me… “Do you like me?” What?

“Wot?”

“I really like you, Nick,” she whispers in my ear, and I have no clue what to do here.

She seems to sense my hesitance, and adds, “You don’t have to reply right now, I just wanted you to know.”

I just…nod. “Okay, um…I’m going to find my friend.” I guess the team was right . But that’s not important right now, I have to find Charlie.

     I take a few more steps before the lights to my right draw my attention, and the crowd parts like a sea. There’s Tara and Darcy: dancing like nobody's watching, but I feel my gaze inextricably drawn to them. The lights perfectly frame them in pink and white hues as they’re laughing and holding hands, and as the song ramps up they slow down, and Tara nods, and they’re kissing - right on the beat drop. There’s no fear, no worry about coming out, or what people will think, they’re just…shamelessly happy. The lights shift to sweeping rainbow colors that pulse through the room, seemingly creating a backdrop just for the two girls. They pull apart as they realise confetti is now pouring down from the ceiling. It’s a perfect scene, almost out of a movie, and I feel their joy spark something inside of me. It’s what I want. Not necessarily just being out and proud, but being truly myself with the person I care about without any concern for the judgment of others. Tara and Darcy spin each other, seemingly in slow motion, coming back down for one more kiss before the crowd closes in again and I know what I have to do. I think that Charlie might be my person . I know it’s wildly early to be thinking that kind of thing, we’re not even…I haven’t even told him how I feel yet, but he makes me happier than anyone else in my life, and I've learned more about the world and about myself in it over the last term than I ever have, and… I think he might like me back. I think the way he smiles at me is the way I smile at him.

I finally make it back to the lounge, and there he is, sitting near where I left him on another couch by the fireplace.

“Hi.”

“Hi,” he says, smiling as I sit down.

“You left,” I say, half-statement, half-question.

“Sorry, I…I felt like I was in the way." You could never be in the way, my dickhead friends were. “And your year 11 friends are… kind of intimidating.”

“Yeah, I don’t know if I want to hang out with those guys anymore, I’d rather hang out with you anyway.” He searches my face but doesn’t seem to find a response to that.

“So, I just ran into Ben,” he switches the subject, and, what ? He said that so nonchalantly, is he okay?

“Ben?”

“Yeah, I mean…I dealt with it. He tried to, like, apologise for what happened, but I pushed him into a wall and told him to go away.” I laugh in disbelief at how brave Charlie is.

“I think he got the message this time,” he says triumphantly.

“I’m so proud!” I say as I grab his hand. I look around the room that’s now been overtaken by people dancing as the party has bled over the capacity of the main floor.

“It’s kind of noisy in here, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Charlie nods.

“Do you want to go somewhere quieter again?”

“Okay,” he responds, and…the way he looks at me… I think he might be saying yes to my other question too. Do you want to be alone with me?

I stand up, still not letting go of his hand as I look around for a place to go, “Come on!”

We approach the staircase and the crowd grows, so I turn to ask, “Do you wanna race?” It’s a silly question, but…

“Oh, you want to race me?" Charlie challenges, and runs off ahead of me upstairs. "Oh, no…"

"You wanna race?" He only then lets go of my hand.

"No, no, no,” I mutter as I begin to run after him.

“Come on!” he shouts

“Wait, stop! You’re going too fast. Slow down!” He’s significantly faster than me, and I’m barely keeping up putting my all into climbing the rising spiral of stairs.

“Come on,” Charlie says again, and we’re both laughing as we run past all the crowds and couples on the first two levels. Charlie breaks onto a straightaway on the third floor and the gap quickly widens between us as soon as he doesn’t have the incline working against him.

“I’m dying,” I call from behind him.

“It’s 'cause you’re old!” he shouts back as he slides into a random room on our left. Only by 18 months. 

     The time it takes him to open the door and get inside is enough for me to catch up, and stumble in right behind him. We’re both panting - me more heavily - as we look around the ballroom we’ve found. There’s a huge crystal chandelier hanging from the ceiling and several flower arrangements set in front of the curtained windows facing the front of the building where soft yellowish light streams into the otherwise dim space.

“Woah!” Charlie exclaims at the poshness of the room.

“Yeah.”

“How did Harry hire this entire place?”

“Oh, he’s like, extremely rich.”

“He should have gone on My Super Sweet 16 .”

“Mm, so he could cry when his parents got him the wrong color Lamborghini."

“Exactly,” Charlie chuckles.

I let out a sigh as I sit myself down under the first window to recover from that run. Charlie comes and sits down next to me as I continue to try and catch my breath.

“So,” he starts after a second, “was Harry being serious? Do you like Tara?” His voice is softer now - not quite a whisper, but like he's trying to keep his question and my response secret from the outside world.

“What? No, no, definitely not!” The idea that Harry would know more about my life than Charlie is almost laughable at this point.

“Ah,” Charlie says as he turns back to face the rest of the room, and I swear there’s a relief in his eyes.

“So you…don’t have a crush on anyone at the moment?”

“Well,” I smile slightly to myself, “I didn’t say that.” I do, and I’m totally not nervous that they’re literally the person sitting next to me right now talking about crushes for the first time since…well, maybe since we met.

“Oh…” he sounds a bit sadder when he asks, “what’s she like then?”

I’ve got to just take the leap.

“You’re just going to assume they’re a she?”

“Are they…are they not a girl?” Charlie seems out of breath again.

“Um…” god I’m still so nervous .

“Would you go out with someone who wasn’t a girl?”

Would I? I mean…

“I don’t know…maybe,” I say.

     The energy in the room changes a bit, and Charlie shifts. I think his hand is on the ground next to mine now.

“Would you kiss someone who wasn’t a girl?”

     The world closes in, and it feels like it's just us. He's my best friend.

“I don’t know.”

     He looks down, and after a moment…his pinky touches mine. Just that small gesture makes it feel like sparks and stars are emitting from wherever his skin is touching mine. I take a few breaths before looking back into Charlie’s eyes.

“Would you kiss me?” he asks.

     It feels like time is stopped. It’s like I can hear a soft melody on an invisible breeze swirling around us. I wrap my pinky around his, and we both look up from our hands at the same time.

“Yeah,” I whisper.

     I would, I want to . We stare at each other as we slowly move closer together. I don’t even consciously do it, it’s like I’m being pulled toward him by some gravitational force. My eyes flutter closed and a second later his lips are on mine. It’s so delicate, but it’s also…magical. I inhale as I kiss him again, moving just a sliver closer to him than before. We carefully shift back. I open my eyes, and we’re so close I can see the gradations of blue and hazel and grey in his. We both sit back then, a comfortable distance apart, not looking at each other, but our hands are still touching, like neither of us want to lose that point of contact. Everything I’ve felt with Charlie since we met is swirling inside me at once, and it’s terrifying, but there is a peace to it. At least now I know why I’m like this around him. I take a breath, trying to collect my thoughts, and as I turn back to him I do something I’ve wanted to do for weeks now. I properly hold Charlie’s hand in mine. It’s like something clicks. We drift back together again, and his hand comes up to the side of my neck, his thumb brushing the edge of my ear as I close my eyes again, and we’re kissing. I hold his shoulder to steady myself, and also just to know he’s there, and we’re kissing. He lets go of my hand and holds my collar, pulling me even closer, and we’re still kissing. This is amazing . One last moment passes before we both pause, breathing the same air, before I open my eyes and we separate just enough to talk. Charlie lowers his hand from my cheek to the other side of my collar and just holds me as he asks, “You okay?” softly smiling. I must look as overwhelmed as I feel. “I-” I start. I want to tell him everything. That now I know I like him as more than a friend, and that that kiss was more amazing and magical than my one with Tara by leagues, and that even though I feel more at home now, with him, than I have in a long time, my world just exploded from underneath me. I don’t know what this means for me. I don’t know what this makes me, or what this entails for my life moving forward. I guess I know less about who I am than I thought, but I also feel more myself around Charlie than I ever have on my own. I want to spill my guts to him, but we both hear a voice from outside as I’m trying to find a place to start.

“Oi, Nick, you up here?” Harry. Damn it.

     I feel a panic build inside me as I scurry up from the ground.

“I just want to talk, mate!”

     I don’t want Harry to find us together. I’m still so confused, but I also don’t want Charlie to be dragged into Harry’s nonsense further than he already is. I look back at Charlie and see fear in his eyes.

“Why are you hiding?”

     I don’t know what to say, so I just give him a look that is as comforting as I can manage given my current unease, and I leave the room, trying to find Harry as fast as possible to get this whole charade over with. I hope Charlie will be okay .

     I run into Harry by a room at the end of the hall and when he sees me, he gestures inside, where I can see four other of our teammates standing in the dark blue lighting of the rotunda. As I approach he claps me on the back. “Finally found you mate!”

     It almost feels like I’m on trial when Harry moves to stand in front of our other mates and starts off on a speech about how he was just “joking” downstairs and that I shouldn’t get worked up about it. I don’t feel quite safe, alone with all these idiots, so I don’t point out any of Harry’s faulty logic or bigoted arguments, I just stand there like I’m taking any of this to heart.

“And, like, it’s all just banter, isn’t it? I mean, the lads can see it’s banter. You can see it’s banter. There’s no need to start anything just ‘cause you’re in a bad mood at my birthday party.”

“Yeah, guess I was just in a mood.” The lie tastes sour in my mouth.

“Yeah, exactly, “ he laughs, “So we’re good?”

“Yeah…just gonna go find the loo.” The group chuckles like the mindless followers they are, and I turn to go back to Charlie. After turning a few corners, I follow the hall by the staircase - which is lit with pink and blue gels in the ceiling. I manage to find the door to our room fairly quickly, turning at the third table lamp, but I still feel like I haven’t moved fast enough. I step in, “Charlie?” but he’s gone. I screwed this whole thing up. I just left him here with no explanation, and now he’s gone home. I don’t hold out hope that he’s just wandered off somewhere again, I’m not as much of a numbskull as some of the other lads on the Rugby team. I pull out my cell and text my mum to see if she can come pick me up early. I don’t want to be here anymore without Charlie, and honestly, I just need to sleep. She calls me back instead of texting and asks if I’m okay in a slightly worried tone. I reassure her I’m fine, just tired and she says she can be here in half an hour. We say goodbye, and I check the time. It’s 21:17. 

Chapter Text

The Aftermath

     I don’t say goodbye to anyone else on my way out, I just grab my stuff, check out at the front with security, and wait for my mum outside. The cold chill of the air is calming, and I shut my brain off until my mum drives up. I don’t want to think about this now, I just need sleep . I pass out in the passenger’s seat almost immediately after my mum picks me up, and she has to shake me awake when we get home.

     I’m in bed now, and despite my exhaustion, I haven’t been able to fall asleep for the last three hours. It’s currently 2:15. I sit up and decide to pull out my phone. I know Charlie is probably asleep by now, but I feel like I need to tell him something . 

“Hey Charlie I’m so sorry for running off and leaving you it wasn’t your fault I was just”

No

“Charlie I’m so sorry I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m just so confused right now but”

No

     I crash back into my bed. There’s nothing I can text him that would make things any more clear, and even if I do manage to explain everything, it feels disingenuous over text, and he probably wouldn’t see it until the morning anyway.

“Fuck.” 

     I’ll see him tomorrow. I’ll go over and talk to him face-to-face in the morning. If that is the plan though, I need to sleep, or I won’t make any coherent sense, and I need to apologise to him properly.

It’s going to be fine. I plug my phone in and roll over, pulling my blankets over me, turning in for a fitful night’s sleep.

………

     I feel sunlight fill my room as I gain consciousness, but as I open my eyes and glance outside the sky is a dull grey - blanketed by clouds like it often is in the spring here. I groan as I roll over and drop my arm onto my nightstand, checking the time. It’s already 9 o’clock.

“Oh, shit.” I know there's not necessarily a set timeline to this, but I was planning on heading over early - this all feels too important to let sit for even a minute longer . I jump out of bed and change as fast as I can. I grab the t-shirt and trousers I left on the end of my bed last night and throw them on. I get stuck for a moment jumping around on one foot, trying to get my left leg into my trousers while grabbing my phone and house keys, just in case my mum has to go out while I’m not here, before I heave my door open and head to the bathroom. I barely manage to get toothpaste on my toothbrush, and I just finger-brush my hair, but I freshen up the best I can. I sprint down the stairs and shout to my mum who I hear cooking something in the kitchen. “Be right back mum, I’m heading to Charlie’s!”

“Wait, Nicky, what are you going over for, love?”

“Uh…left…something…last week. Won’t be long!”

“Well, just-”

     But I don’t hear the end of her sentence. I grab a hoodie and pull it over my head right as I close the door behind me and take off down the road. Jogging the whole way there it only takes about 6 minutes, and I don’t even realise it’s raining until I make it a full block from my house, which is also when I realise the hoodie I’ve got on is my blue one that Charlie borrowed a few weeks ago. I didn’t wash it cause… it kind of still smells like him. I almost slide stopping at Charlie’s door before I knock, catching my breath in the downpour. It takes a minute, but I hear Charlie’s mum call something before there are pattering footsteps approaching, and Charlie opens the door.

“Hi,” I say.

His mouth is slightly agape when he replies, “Hi,” and drops his arm from the door.

Chapter Text

Confessions

“Um…I’m sorry for not texting you, uh…I just wanted to talk in person.”

“Okay.” We both stand there, Charlie in the open entryway.

“Just,” Charlie starts, “Just come in, you’re getting soaked,” he grabs the arms of my hoodie and pulls me inside next to him.

“Yeah, good idea.”

“Did you forget a coat?”

“Oh,” I look down at my drenched hoodie, “Uh, yeah, I didn’t check the weather before I left.”

“Idiot,” Charlie softly chuckles, and it makes me smile.

“So,” I clear my throat, “about last night, um…I just wanted to say that-”

But I’m cut off by Charlie’s mum who comes out from behind the stairs.

“Nick, I didn’t know you were coming round.” She’s definitely looking for some kind of explanation for why I’m currently dripping all over her doormat.

“Um,” I turn to Charlie and slide my hands into my pockets before saying, “Yeah, sorry, yeah…”

Charlie thankfully interrupts me, “He’s just picking up a jumper he left here last week.”

“Alright.” I really hope she believes us. “Uh, well, don’t forget we’re going to Grandma’s this morning, Charlie. And you could have at least changed out of your pajamas.”

That’s actually really sweet . Charlie looks up and I realise I may have been staring after his mum’s comment.

“Let’s just, go to my room,” he says, stepping behind me to close the door as I cautiously head up the stairs.

We don’t talk until Charlie closes his bedroom door behind him, and I take off my - now very cold - hoodie, and hang it on the bottom poster of Charlie’s bed.

“Uh, so-” I say, steeling myself.

“I’m so sorry,” Charlie cuts me off, staring at the ground. His voice seems laden now. What does he have to be sorry for?

“I’m so sorry. It was…I didn’t think properly about what I was doing and…it was a stupid thing to do, and…and I don’t want you to feel awkward about it because it was all my fault.” 

No, that’s not at all what happened, he needs to know that.

“Charlie, hang on,” I say sternly, stepping forward.

“I shouldn’t have kissed you.”

Wait, please don’t say that. Please don’t mean that.

“I bet you just felt pressured to do it because I asked, and I know you probably don’t want to talk to me ever again, but I at least had to say sorry.”

     He still won’t look at me, and he’s spiraling. He does this sometimes - doubts himself, and turns a whole situation to blame it inwards. I take a step toward him again.

“See if there’s a chance we can still be friends?”

I take another step and put my hands on his arms, “Charlie…”

“I don’t want to lose you because I did something stupid-”

“Charlie,” - you won't lose me - I move my hands to the sides of his face, and he finally looks into my eyes and goes quiet. He doesn’t move away. I don’t know what to say, so I just pull him towards me, into a kiss. It’s different than it was last night. Then it was all new, and I was so scared, but now… I just want to reassure Charlie that this is real, that we mean something. Maybe I'm reminding myself that this is real too. He hooks his arms under mine and holds onto my shirt as he kisses me back. He even lifts up on his tip-toes to meet me, and…the magic isn’t gone. If anything, the butterflies in my stomach are even more overwhelming than they were before as we part. I hold him a second longer before he looks at me questioningly, “Um…” I pull my hands back to my sides

“God," I start, searching for words as I look up to the ceiling, "…I’m so sorry, I…” I go and sit on Charlie’s bed to ground my unsteady stance.

“I’m just so sorry I ran away last night." I can tell my voice is slightly strained. "I was just freaking out because, I was confused, and surprised, and like, honestly…I’m having a proper full-on gay crisis. And it’s not that I didn’t want to," I get a bit quieter as I continue - "you know…kiss you, I just…I was just so confused. I’ve just been so, so confused.” My breathing is shaky as Charlie walks over and sits next to me.

“I just think I need some time to…figure this out.”

     He puts his arm around my shoulders, and I finally look at him. He doesn’t say anything, but he’s there for me, and I just fall into his arms as he holds me there. I think I might be crying as I wrap my arms around him too. After a moment he pulls away slowly, and softly smiles at me. There aren’t any words between us, but there is so much more in the way he looks at me, in the way he holds me. I feel safe. I fall back into him and let myself cry. I’m probably getting his shirt wet from my tears and from the rain that soaked through my clothes and hair on the way over, but he doesn’t seem to mind. He holds me for a long time before my shaking stops and I sit back, wiping my eyes.

“Do you want a cup of tea?” Charlie asks simply.

“Yes, please.”

     We make our way downstairs, and Charlie starts up the kettle while we look through the Spring family collection of teas. It’s comforting, to just stand shoulder-to-shoulder with Charlie, to know that he’s there while we talk about nothing. We end up standing in the kitchen for a while sipping at our matching polka-dot mugs  - I got some sleepytime and Charlie’s drinking a pomegranate tea I’ve never heard of before, but the color is really pretty. Suddenly I hear a high-pitched squeal from around the corner as Charlie’s younger brother Oliver runs toward us. He’s wearing a football shirt with a big number 7 on the back, and he's holding one of those wooden toy cars. I barely have time to set my tea down before he jumps into my arms, giving me a big hug.

“Nick!!”

“H-Hey Olly, you okay?” I ask, setting him down again.

“Yep! Charlie, you didn’t tell me Nick was here!” Oliver accuses.

“Oh, uh…he dropped in last minute - it was a surprise.”

“Oh, okay, well Mum said we’re leaving to go to Grandma’s in fifteen minutes!” Oliver says on his way back out of the room, racing his car against…himself, I suppose. 

Charlie chuckles, looking at his feet. “Sorry about him, he gets a little over-excited sometimes.”

“No! It’s fine; I'm glad he likes me so much.”

“I guess you have a special charm for the Springs,” Charlie says, blushing slightly.

“Maybe,” I laugh.

………

     Charlie walks me to the door after I've finished the last of my tea and slipped on my hoodie, but… we still need to figure some things out before tomorrow. I break the comfortable silence around us:

“At school…is it okay if we, like…” I trail off, not quite knowing how to phrase this so it's not-

“Keep this a secret?” Charlie finishes my thought.

“Yeah,” I don’t like it, but…I’m not ready yet. “I just don’t really know if I can, um…you know…come out as anything…”

“Yeah,” Charlie nods, “it’s fine.” He turns and takes an umbrella from the coat rack behind him and offers it to me - almost a peace offering, a promise. He’s so thoughtful.

     I take it and open the front door - stepping out into the rain before opening the umbrella, so I don’t get any more water in the house. Charlie stands in the doorway and gives me a small wave.

“Bye.”

“Bye,” I reply, smiling, turning reluctantly as I start the journey back home - much less upset than I left this morning.

I don’t know if we’re together , or anything, but we are . And that’s enough. It’s more than enough.

I’m at the end of Charlie’s street when I hear his voice behind me.

“Nick!”

I turn around, and he stops under the umbrella with me, now drenched in rain himself.

“Hi?” There's a happily flustered energy that Charlie brings back with his presence after the reserved conversation we just had at his door.

“Hi.”

“Did I forget something?”

He looks behind him and then back at me before nodding, “Um, yeah.”

     Charlie leans forward, bringing his hand up to the side of my face, and kisses me. Oh my god, we’re kissing in the rain! It’s almost hard to keep my footing - the gravity of the moment making me feel like I'm floating off the ground as the sun peeks through the clouds. Charlie steps back with a bright grin on his face - brighter than the sun.

“Okay, bye!” he says, and then runs back the way he came.

     I’m quite literally speechless. I can feel the smile spreading across my face as I relish in the moment. Being around Charlie is like seeing all of the colors of the world for the first time. Everything is bright and vibrant, and even though there are still uncertainties we have to face, I know the future will be happier because he’ll be in it with me.

Chapter Text

Back to School

     At school on Monday, I walk onto campus with a newfound lightness in my step. I may or may not be humming “can’t stop me now” in my head…

I sit down next to Imogen at our morning table, setting my bags on the ground. Not even Harry's presence could ruin my mood today, and he's not even arrived yet.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” she replies, and cocks her head slightly to the side, “Something’s different.”

“What?”

“Have you changed your hair?”

“What, no.”

“You have!” She starts messing with my hair trying to, I don’t know, figure out if I've styled it differently. I don’t think I have. “I’ve known you since, like, Year 7, I can tell when something’s changed. You look different.”

“Well it’s different now you’re messing with it,” I complain as I rake a hand through my hair to try to mitigate some of the damage.

She gets that mischievous look that she…oh no…

She puts both her hands in my hair, not even trying to hide the fact that she is intentionally messing it up, saying, “Don’t worry, I’m a highly qualified hair stylist.”

“Qualified from where?”

“The University of…hair stylists.”

“Wow, yeah, seems legit.”

She laughs, but there’s a familiar nervous excitement in it…oh… right . 

“Oh, I’ve gotta go. I forgot I had morning detention,” Imogen says as she grabs her bag and starts toward Higgs. Suddenly she reappears and rustles my hair one last time before actually heading off. I finger-comb it out again, and… I had just about forgotten about her whole speech at Harry’s party, there were more important things going on Saturday. I know I’ll have to deal with that conversation at some point, but honestly, I’m too happy to think about it right now. I’m really looking forward to seeing Charlie in form today - maybe something has changed.

………

I’m here before Charlie is, like normal, but the fact that we’ve kissed…several times… since the last time we were in class is not quite like normal. When he walks in today I make eye contact with him across the room and he’s already smiling. I guess I am too. I don’t say anything until he sits down, just bask in the warmth in my chest.

“Hi,” he says. We do say that a lot don’t we? And it means so much more now than I ever thought it would.

“Hi.” I look down but immediately feel like my gaze is drawn back to him, and Charlie is looking back up at me at the same time. We both chuckle. It’s like we have the best secret kept just between us…I suppose we do.

………

     Almost immediately after form I get a message from Charlie asking if I want to have lunch with him, and we make plans to meet in Mr. Ajayi’s room this afternoon. I took a course with him in year 9, but it’s been a while since we’ve interacted. I know he’s one of Charlie’s favorite teachers though. He is a really supportive person, and the only openly gay staff member I know of at Truham. I get to his room a bit early, and I knock on the open door to see if anyone is here.

“Hello, come in!”

“Hi,” I say, cautiously stepping into the room. “Um, I’m meeting Charlie Spring in here for lunch?”

“Ah, right,” Mr. Ajayi looks at me slightly suspiciously, “What’s your name?”

“Um, I’m Nick.”

“Alright, well take a seat wherever you want Nick, I’m just finishing up some paperwork before I head out.

“Cool, thanks for letting us use the room.”

“Absolutely.”

     Mr. Ajayi makes a few rounds around the room cleaning things before sitting down at his desk. I just sit awkwardly at a back table for a few minutes switching between mindlessly scrolling on my phone and looking around at the decorations on the walls, but…the whole time Mr. Ajayi keeps glancing at me with this venom in his stare, and I don’t know why. I don’t think I did anything to get him miffed two years ago, so…was it something one of the other rugby lads did? I mean, it’s not unlikely. After about ten minutes of waiting around Mr. Ajayi stands up and gathers his things as I hear footsteps approaching in the corridor. He walks out to meet whoever it is and I can’t quite make out the words, but I can hear them chat for a bit before Charlie finally steps in through the doorway. I’m so happy to see him.

“Hi!”

“Hi!” he replies.

“I missed you,” I say as he pulls out a chair kiddy-corner to mine and sits so that our knees are almost touching.

“I saw you in form, like, four hours ago.”

Which…is true, but it doesn’t make my statement any less accurate.

“You sure your friends don’t mind you ditching them to eat lunch with me?”

“Nah, they can deal with it. Clearly, I need to be here to get tips on how to be good at rugby,” he teases. The absolute cheek .

“Oh, really? So that’s what this is actually all about then?”

“Maybe,” he considers, and we both laugh.

It’s quiet for a moment as Charlie reaches out under the table and takes my hand, holding it in his, resting on his knee.

I trace my thumb on the back of his knuckles, and I find myself so relieved that I don’t have to put up with the rugby lads this afternoon.

“Feels nice to be able to ditch my friends for once. All they want to do at lunch is, just, sit on the field and…chuck stuff at people.

“Chuck stuff?”

“Yep. Mainly Harry, he’s an idiot. My friends are nothing like you.” Charlie looks at me, and I hope he knows I mean that in the best way possible.

I take a breath, leaning back slightly; “Are we even allowed in here?”

“Yeah, I used to come in here a lot last year. Like, when the bullying was really bad.” Oh . “Mr. Ajayi was the only teacher who really cared that much.” Yeah, he seemed pretty protective of Charlie even when he wasn’t here.

“Well, he was giving me evils before you got here.”

“He must have thought you were Ben.” Gross, but understandable I suppose, if you had only heard about either of us . “I told him about the whole Ben making me keep us a secret thing."

Oh…

I think Charlie can see my face fall a bit cause he takes my hand with both of his - trying to bring me back from where my thoughts had wandered.

"Not… I mean, that's nothing like what we're doing. You're nothing like him. This is completely different," he almost pleads with me.

     I hope so . I never want to make Charlie feel the way Ben did. And I know logically that our situation is not at all the same as what was happening between them before. For one thing, we were friends first, and I would never want to just ignore Charlie to keep up some public image of myself. And from what I gathered Ben wasn't making an effort to figure himself out pretty much at all, and didn't care if he hurt Charlie in the process - for God's sake, he was leading both Charlie and his girlfriend on as I see it, which is a dick move. 

      I am trying. I've basically only been thinking about Charlie and how he makes me feel and what that means since we first kissed. Honestly, though, all of that probably started even earlier. But . I still worry. I still want to do anything I can to never be compared to Ben ever, in any way. I want Charlie to know what he means to me. Not just as my… I don't know… the guy I like, but as a person. As my partner in form and out of it who has opened the door for me to figure out who I am and who I want to fit with, even if I haven't stepped through yet.

"Yeah," I finally say, moving to hold his hands in both of mine too. We let that sit for a moment before shifting so we each actually have one hand free to eat while we chat the rest of lunchtime away.

Chapter Text

Game, Set…

     I meet Charlie by his locker after school to walk to rugby practice together, and we're both still reveling in this smiley, giggly energy that we had this morning. Getting changed isn't all that awful today either since the locker room is actually quiet for once. There is a bit of tension that I think might be because of me. A lot of the rugby lads were there for me and Harry's argument this weekend and the subsequent not-apology that he pulled from me. I don't think all of the guys on the team are assholes, at least I hope not. I think a lot of them just bend to Harry because, I suppose apart from me he's the most popular, and he has much more money and influence behind him. Sai, Otis, and Christian in particular - while they can be a bit rowdy sometimes - I think out of everyone but Charlie are the ones I'm closest to on the team. They were some of the guys who were most welcoming to Charlie in the beginning, and usually, they’re slightly less likely to play along with Harry when he’s being actively cruel.

     Once we actually all get out onto the field the mostly peaceful quiet of the locker room changes to a sort of anxious determination. We have a game against St. John's Sports Academy next week, and everyone's a little restless given that not only is St. John's a level above us in the league, but one of our regular wings - Kieran - isn't able to make it because of a dentist appointment, so Charlie is finally going to step in to play a game with us. And while I am excited to finally get Charlie off the bench, having his first real match be against one of the hardest schools we've had to play makes me nervous. We're about done with practice at this point, and Charlie's been pretty visibly nervous since people have actually started running at him. He's dodged two incoming players at this point, and on this round he has a perfect shot to tackle a runner heading towards the goal.

"Come on Charlie!" I try to encourage him as I see what's happening, but he jumps out of the way at the last minute.

"Come on man, for the third time!" I hear Otis shout, exasperated. I get it, but I don't like the other players getting on Charlie's case. He's nervous, and actually getting tackled by some of these guys can be unpleasant, but I know he can do it - I just wish he could get past his own mental block. 

"Is he actually going tackle anyone, or is he just gonna stand there?" Harry again, god. "Why did he even join the team?"

"Alright." Ms. Singh interrupts, getting everyone back in position for another play.

There is some improvement during practice, but as we're all leaving the field Charlie lags behind as Harry and Otis come up to me, walking together toward the locker room.

"We all need to step up for the St. John's match," Harry says, and he's not entirely wrong.

"Yeah,"

"If we can't even tackle them, we've got no chance, no chance at all," Otis adds.

     He's mostly talking about Charlie, but there is still a general anxiety from most of the other players about tackling given that some of us have seen members of the St. John's team, and they're big guys.

As we're walking across the field I hear Ms. Singh call to Charlie behind us, and I'm glad she's there to talk him through things. A part of me wanted to wait with him too, but I just got pulled along with the crowd away from him when practice was called.

………

     When I come in to form on Thursday, Charlie actually seems to be doing better than yesterday afternoon, even if he's still a little stressed out by the other lads' comments. Apparently, he stayed behind after to practice tackling with one of our dummy bags and he feels a bit more confident now. I'm relieved too.

     Charlie had some work to do during lunch today so I'm stuck with the team, and we decided after finishing up in the canteen that we were going to throw a ball around just for fun to take our minds off of the approaching match. I'm quietly walking along as Harry and some of the other boys chat before I see Harry nudge Christian.

"Oi, catch!" he says before throwing the rugby ball he has in his hands at the side of someone's head, and it happens too quickly for me to do anything. Oh god. It's Charlie's friend from that first match. He's sitting with another one of Charlie's mates, just eating, before Harry intervenes, and his hands come up just too late to block his face. Damn it. The other lads just chuckle as Harry throws out a, " Oh, sorry mate," as if it was just an accident. Charlie's friend gets up and picks up the ball as I break away from the group to check on him.

"You okay?" I ask, and he stares me down with anger in his eyes. I don't blame him. 

"Yes," he responds tersely.

"Can I have the ball back?"

     He holds it out with both his hands, not saying anything, and as I move to take it from him he quickly pulls it back under his arm. I hear the other guys jeering in the background, almost encouraging some sort of fight.

"No, it's mine now," he says. It hurts to be lumped in with the other guys on the team, but it's a fair call. I turn to walk back to the group, not saying anything. I only take a few steps before I feel a solid impact on the back of my head, and I have to stop and let the pain fade for a second. I send a look back at Charlie's friends before I pick up the ball and shuffle back to Harry's little entourage without saying a word. I feel this intense guilt wash over me as I do. Why have I never seen how mean Harry is before now? There was no reason for him to do that other than to get some kind of feeling of superiority through childish attacks on other students who are just trying to live their lives. I don't know why I feel like I have to come back to this group, but I do it anyway because it's what I've done for years - it’s muscle memory. I wish I could just snap my fingers and make all of this easier…

………

     This next week goes by fairly fast, but the whole time I feel like I’m being pulled in two different directions. There’s the part of me that is going home every night thinking about Charlie and what my feelings about him make me in the whole spectrum of romance and sexuality. The part of me that feels like I’m flying whenever I get to see him, and talk to him, and spend time with him in or out of school. The part of me that wants to hold his hand whenever we walk down the corridor together or kiss him while we’re sitting next to each other on the couch, and I try my best not to be outwardly flirty with Charlie at school, but it can be hard sometimes. We basically just act how we used to, but now we don’t have to hold back as much of what we kept below the surface. There’s the other part of me, though…the part that’s scared. It pulls me back to my group of friends who…I don’t know if I really consider friends anymore. It makes me nervous to reach out to Charlie when other people might judge us. It makes me hesitant to talk to my mom about how I’m feeling because, I know she loves me, but what if this changes things? Even if I know logically that everything will be alright in the end, the hazy middle of the story terrifies me. 

     I’m still struggling with this whole internal conflict the afternoon of the game with St. John’s, and while I have Charlie with me on the bus, the fact that the rest of the rugby lads are around us too makes it not as fun of a ride. We’re currently running laps at St. John’s and me and Charlie are ahead of everyone else by a bit - not as much as it would be if Charlie were jogging at his normal pace, but he’s slowed down a bit for me.

“So, all my friends are showing up in a bit to watch me play,” Charlie tells me.

“All your friends?”

“Tao, Isaac, and Elle.” At this point, I’ve been able to put a face to a name for Tao, and given there was another boy eating lunch with him last week I figure he must be Isaac, but I haven’t gotten to meet Elle yet. I hope I do soon, ‘cause she sounds cool from what Charlie’s told me and I really want to make a good first impression. I don’t think Tao likes me very much, and I don’t want all of Charlie’s friends to dislike me right off the bat.

“I said they really didn’t have to come, but Elle said they wanted to be supportive.”

“Oh, that’s…that’s nice.” I’m a little out of breath, but mostly, I don’t know what to say because I’m not sure how I feel. It’s really sweet that all of Charlie’s friends are here to support him, and…all my friends are either here already or arriving soon too, but I kind of envy the relationship Charlie has with his mates. He seems to be able to talk to them about anything and they’re all there for each other no matter what, and that’s something, more and more, that I want in my life.

“Don’t worry, I won’t say anything about us.”

Oh, well I guess there are some things Charlie hasn’t told his friends.

“Oh. Yeah, good. Thanks.”

“You sure it’s okay?” I really don’t want to put any more stress on Charlie with this, especially with his previous relationship…

“Yeah. Of course.” He says without any resentment or disappointment in his voice. He just sounds supportive. God, he’s just…perfect.

Our moment of calm is ruined by the storm that is Harry who suddenly appears in between us, throwing an arm over each of our shoulders, making it difficult to keep running.

“Not going to flake out today, are you?” He asks Charlie, in a falsely positive tone.

“No.”

“We’re counting on you.” He pats Charlie’s shoulder before moving away as the whole team slows to a stop at Ms. Singh’s call out to the field: “Let’s line up!”

Charlie glances behind us before touching my arm.

“They’re here, I’ll be right back,” he says before jogging off the opposite way to meet his friends.

I shift with the rest of the crowd to follow the coach’s instructions of “Groups of three for the passing exercise, let’s go.”

     We actually end up starting over on the other side of the field, closer to where Charlie’s standing, and I manage to find a spot to stretch just a few yards away from where his little group is chatting. Tao and Isaac are there, but I also recognise two other people I didn’t expect to be here - Tara and Darcy. I didn’t think they knew Charlie, Tara didn’t seem to - at least not personally - at Harry’s party, but then I see a taller girl with a long jean jacket and realise she must be Elle, and Tara and her girlfriend probably know her from the girls’ school. I don’t catch much of the conversation - I’m trying not to eavesdrop, but I really want to be included in this colorful group of people who went out of their way to see Charlie. It seems like Darcy introduces herself to Charlie and I do hear something about “local gays” and… a question about me?

“...or friends as in friends ?” Oh.

“... totally platonic, good friends…”

“Disappointing, but…okay.”

     The chatting seems to continue, but just on time, my group of “friends” shows up, walking between me and Charlie. Imogen and Ben walk up together, and Imogen waves at me on her way past, asking how I am, but I just wave back without saying anything. Once they’re further down the track my eyes meet Charlie’s for a second, and there’s a shared hurt there with this whole situation being what it is.

“Oi Nick!” I hear from behind me - Harry again. “Come on, come on!”

“Join in, yeah?” Christian adds, and I turn and jog over to the rest of the team, standing in a group with Harry and Christian for the next drill.

     Charlie comes back a few minutes later for the second set of drills, which luckily aren’t in smaller groups, but before I know it we’re lining up, getting ready for the other team to come out from their locker rooms. The only real spectators we have are friends of the players, and Charlie’s friend group and mine are most clearly visible from our side, though they’ve put some space between each other. It’s almost like the real rivalry here is between Charlie’s mates and mine.

Chapter Text

Match

     The St. John’s rugby team runs out from under the bleachers, and it’s like even their presence is enough to make us fumble a ball. I’m standing next to Charlie a few yards from the other clumps of players on the field with my arms crossed just watching in concerned concentration.

“Quick question,” Charlie starts, and I can hear the nervousness in his voice, “Why are the other team literal adult men?” It’s a fair ask.

“They’re a specialist sports school.”

     We both look on in growing worry and after a second Charlie steps away from me.

“Sorry, nervous.” He looks down and…I hadn’t even realised he moved closer to me, but it was comforting, and his absence feels cold now. I want to tell him it’s okay; ask what’s going on, but we don’t have a lot of time. I blow my whistle to get the team into place: “Come on, boys!” I hope some encouragement will help everyone get over their initial jitters. I grab the ball from Ms. Singh, putting in my mouthguard, and move up to the front of formation. “All right, line up boys!” I call out. I get in position at the leftmost side of our front line of players, and at Ms. Singh’s signal I complete the kickoff and the game starts.

     I manage to get the ball about three-quarters-way across the field fairly early, but that is about as much of a lead as we get. By around halfway through the game, St. John’s is up by 14 points to our zero, and it’s not looking good. I call a team huddle to try to keep us going, but I can tell some of the boys are losing hope. Morale isn’t boosted when we hear thunder crash in the distance and the rain starts. It’s light at first, but enough to make the grass just a bit too slippery. 

At one point we’ve got a good chain of passes going when one of the lads passes the ball to Charlie and he immediately gets tackled by one of the St. John’s boys. 

“Charlie!” I can’t see over all the other players if he’s okay, but after a moment he manages to haul himself up, and he doesn’t look hurt, just a little rattled. Thank god. I hear Charlie’s friends cheering for him as he gets back to the left wing, but he’s still getting his footing.

“Hold it,” I call to buy a few more seconds for him to steady himself before play continues.

     It doesn’t take long after that for the rain to really start pouring, and on top of that after one of our plays that ended in a conversion for St. John’s, Harry starts talking to Charlie at the back of the group, and I don’t know what he’s saying. All I can do is hope it’s not some blatantly homophobic comment, but as soon as I can - I get the boys set up for the next play and push Harry toward his spot away from Charlie.

“Keep your head up, Charlie!”

     The rain is coming down in sheets with St. John’s up 35 to our 0 at a few minutes into the second half when their team’s biggest runner makes a rush towards our goal - barreling straight into Charlie’s path. I almost see it in slow-motion as Charlie takes a step and runs at the guy, trying to take him down, but he just elbows Charlie to the side and he rolls, landing on the ground hard.

“Charlie!” He’s holding his nose, and I can’t tell if it’s broken from this distance. I want to go help him, but I’m frozen in place. Our medics go to check on him and update Ms. Singh before moving back to help get Charlie to the nursing room.

“Okay, that’s it, I’m calling it. This rain is too dangerous! Match is over, everyone off the pitch!” I hear Coach Singh’s voice from far away, with my focus limiting to Charlie as they walk him off the field.

     I feel like I can’t move as I watch them take him away, and I’m hit with a visceral memory of our goodbye at Charlie’s house - me asking him if it’s okay if we keep this a secret, but this time when he agrees his face falls, in that way it does when he’s accepted the fact that he can’t win. I don’t know if that’s how it actually happened, but that guilt grips me again, and I have to go see him. I don’t grab my bag, or change, or even let Ms. Singh know where I’m going, I just follow where I saw the medics walk and follow the signs to make it to the nursing room. If my friends call out to me I don’t hear them.

     I knock on the door and nudge it open cautiously when I find it, and I see Charlie sitting on a table, holding a tissue to his nose - so it was bleeding…

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Charlie responds, smiling slightly. I can smell antiseptic on the air.

“Is your nose okay?” I ask as I close the door behind me.

“I don’t know.”

“Let me see,” I walk over and sit next to Charlie on the exam table, carefully taking the tissue away from his face to see if anything is wrong, but it seems fine. Nothing looks broken, and there doesn’t seem to be any damage to the cartilage, so worst-case scenario he may get a mild bruise.

“It looks fine,” I tell him, relieved.

“Cool,” he smiles at me too.

“You’ve got some mud on your face though.” I turn, putting down the tissue, and grabbing a fresh one from the box on the tray next to us. I fold it up slightly in my hand before leaning in and swiping lightly at Charlie’s cheek, attempting to get some of the remnants of rain and dirt off of his face. I try to focus, but Charlie’s looking deep into my eyes and I pause after a second, just looking back into his as it feels like we’re being pulled closer, and the air doesn’t feel as cold and sterile-

“Um, sorry, “ Charlie suddenly turns his head and folds his hands in his lap, looking like he broke some kind of unspoken rule.

“Wot?”

“I’m really sorry for being all clingy and annoying. I’m making this so awkward. You wanted to keep us a secret and I’m messing it up.”

     I take a breath, “I’m the one who should be saying sorry-” There’s a pause, and I’m about to explain how I’ve been feeling, how none of this is Charlie’s fault, but the door opens, and someone is standing in the doorway - Charlie’s friend Isaac. We both lean back away from each other probably just a second too late.

“Uh, sorry,” Isaac says, stepping into the room, “- for, um… interrupting , but Ms. Singh told me to get you some…antiseptic wipes,” He sets two plastic-wrapped packs next to me before quickly stepping through the door again, “Okay.”

I…don’t know what to do with that. Isaac obviously saw something was happening between me and Charlie, but he didn’t say anything apart from referencing “interrupting” us. I ball up the tissue I was using to get the mud off of Charlie’s cheek and set it down next to me, where the bloody tissue is from earlier.

“Um…” I clear my throat and stand.” I better go.”

“Okay,” Charlie says.

     Just as my hand touches the door Charlie adds, “Isaac won’t say anything,” with slight desperation in his voice.

“Yeah, okay.” And I walk out of the room. Despite the panic I felt having Isaac see me and Charlie, a part of me wishes he would say something. Wishes someone would shout from the rooftops that I like Charlie Spring, maybe that someone should be me. At least then I wouldn’t have to hide, and Charlie wouldn’t have to suffer with me while I figure all this out. I know it’s a bad idea, and coming out as something before I even really know what or…who I am would not be a good experience for anyone involved, but... I sigh, making my way back to the guest locker rooms we got changed in when we arrived this afternoon, and shower before switching back into my regular clothes. It’s nice to not be covered in grime anymore - it’s one thing I can solve.

     When I get back out onto the field Imogen, the rest of the group that came for the game, Harry, and some of the rugby boys are all standing around the entryway to the pitch, and Imogen seems like she’s waiting for me. Some of the lads are chuckling as I walk up, but I focus on her for now.

“Oh, hey.”

“Hey.”

“What’s up?” I ask.

    She doesn’t quite answer my question when she responds: “You did so good!”

“Uh, I mean, the match was canceled and we were losing anyway, but…thanks. So what’s going on?” I ask, looking around at the assembled crowd.

“I…I…wanted to ask you if, um…Like, this is really random,” she chuckles nervously. I don’t know how I feel about this…

“But maybe we could, like…go out somewhere…together.” Oh god…

“Like, I guess sort of a…date…or something?” I try to not react, but I know I probably look pretty freaked out.

“Oh, um…” I try to start. I don’t know how to let her down easy with all these eyes on us. Even if we were alone this would be a complicated thing.

“Go on, Nick,” I hear from beside me, and I realise with Harry here, and Ben, and all our other mates, it would raise a ton of questions if I directly turned Imogen down. I don’t want to embarrass her, and even if I wasn’t worried about that I know how these assholes get, they’d ask me who else I fancy since it’s not Imogen, and navigating the whole Tara situation was bad enough. I don’t want any of this leading back to Charlie, he doesn’t deserve it, but everyone is expecting me to say yes and…

“Yeah, I guess so, sure.”

     Harry pats me on the back in congratulation, and Imogen is fully smiling as she turns to head out of the school, and it’s like…I’m the only one who didn’t want this. Shit. How do I fix this?  

--I have to talk to my mum when I get home--

Chapter Text

Dates and Dogs

--My mum gets home late from work after the rugby match, so I don't get to talk to her about everything that happened today before I lose my nerve--

     When I come into school on Thursday, I find Imogen sitting at our usual table, but she seems less chipper than she usually does in the mornings. I sit next to her and we exchange greetings before sitting in silence for a while. With just us on this side of the bench, I feel like now might be the best time to bring up calling off our date with minimal drama.

"Imogen, about our date. See, I wasn't sure if-" I look over at her, but she's crying. What’s going on?

"Are you okay?" I ask gently.

"My dog died last night," she says, finally looking back up at me. Oh.

"Um…I'm so sorry." I don't know what I would do if Nellie passed away. I would probably be a wreck for at least a few weeks, but Imogen is back at school the next day. I can't imagine how she's holding up…but I hope she'll feel better in time.

"He was really old so, like, we knew it was coming…but I just loved him so much," she says, touching the side of her phone screen which currently has a picture up of her dog. Of course she loved him, god, I feel so bad for her.

"This is the worst week ever."

"Yeah," I reply solemnly.

Imogen shifts to face me and asks, "What were you going to say about our date?"

Oh. God, I can't reject her now - she's already going through so much. I don't want to lead her on or anything, but now's not the right time. I'll figure something out later.

"Nothing."

"So, shall we meet at Nando's for dinner, and then we could go to the cinema?"

I struggle for a moment before agreeing.

"Yeah, okay."

………

     I get into form and me and Charlie are just sitting while Mr. Lange calls roll. Charlie touches his pinky to the side of my hand, getting my attention, and we look at each other.

"So, it's kind of my birthday on Saturday," he whispers.

"Is it?"

"Yeah. Me and my friends are going bowling, and I was going to ask if you wanted to come. But, I know you don't really know them, so you don't have to."

"Yes!" I interrupt him. Of course I want to go - it's his birthday.

"Nick and Charlie, keep it down please," Mr. Lange calls from the front of the room. If he knows we're chatting in the corner I don't know why he still insists on calling roll every day, but it is what it is.

We fall silent for a second before I reach out and touch my pinky to Charlie's hand.

I lower my voice again before saying, "Thanks for giving me barely any time to get you a present," lightly teasing him.

"You don't have to get me a present."

"No, I am going to."

"I'm serious," he protests, but I shush him, and we both grin, turning back to get prepped for class.

………

     After school, while I'm waiting for the carpool to get here - with Sai and Otis since mum can't pick me up on days I don't have rugby - I'm chatting with Otis at our table outside the main gate when Harry taps my shoulder.

"You alright mate? Hyped for your date on Saturday?"

"Date on Saturday?"

"Yeah. Imogen told me you're 'meeting up’ on Saturday. Like, she's telling everyone actually." It almost sounds like he's actually giving me a warning that word is spreading around.

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, I forgot." I didn't even register that the day I'm supposed to be going out with Imogen is Saturday, but I can't just miss Charlie's birthday…

"Oi, boys, boys, watch this," Harry says after a second, picking up a used bundle of napkins with a few pieces of bread wrapped in them from Otis' lunch and chucking it toward some students leaving the school, walking toward us. I follow its arc, and I realise too late he's thrown it between Charlie and Tao who both just manage to dodge out of the way. Not again .

The rest of the boys just laugh, but Tao walks up fast and checks Harry with his shoulder.

"Watch out dicknozzle." 

Charlie follows behind Tao, and they're now closer to the street, facing back toward Harry.

"You alright, mate?" Harry asks, stepping up to Tao threateningly.

"Harry, don't start," I say, jumping off the table to make sure I'm on my feet if anything goes bad.

Harry turns back to me, "What, are you friends with these weird little year 10s now?" Yes, I am, or…I'd like to be .

"Just stop picking on people for no reason."

Harry takes a second, looking between me and Charlie and Tao before coming up with another insult to sling at us - I know that face.

"Awww, are you gay for them?"

Jesus. I don't think he realises how much that stings - how much it hurts to have that be used as an insult.

"Classic Harry," Tao buts in, "resorting to homophobia when you can't think of a good comeback." 

Charlie and I lock eyes for a second.

"Mate, are you in a mood today?"

"Are you? Serious question - life must be really difficult when your only personality trait is rich bellend," Tao almost spits down at Harry, and…Wow. I mean, this whole argument is really concerning, but Tao's ripping into Harry in the exact way I know he hates. Harry doesn't say anything else, so Tao grabs Charlie's arm and pulls him towards the bus stop. I feel helpless watching the whole interaction. I tried to get Harry to stop, but he didn't pay me any mind, and I couldn't cross over to Charlie without pissing off both Harry and Tao, and… God, I almost forgot that Charlie's birthday and my date with Imogen are on the same day. I need to talk to my mum.

………

     I'm finally home, sitting at the kitchen table, with Nellie resting her front two paws on my lap so I can pet her. I click into Instagram, and of course, the first picture that pops up is one that Imogen took today and posted of the two of us putting up peace signs, with her making bunny ears behind my head. It's tagged "This boy 🥰" and the first few comments seem to be pointing out how cute we are as a couple. I hate that people just assume that, but it also feels weird because… that's probably how Imogen feels too. I keep scrolling, trying to put that out of my mind, and the next post is one from Charlie that almost perfectly mimics Imogen's picture. It's him and his friend - I believe her name is Elle - flashing peace signs to the camera as they smile from some sort of fort at what seems to be a sleepover. 

--Charlie's post just seems so much more real and, intimate in a way, with him sharing this happy interaction with a true friend, not for the benefit of their followers or people watching, just because they’re proud of this candid moment--

Nellie skitters off of me and rushes to the door as I hear it push open. Mum comes into the kitchen with Nellie close on her heels.

“Had a good day, Nicky?”

I just hum in response.

“What’s up?” she asks, setting down her bags on the island and directing her full attention toward me.

I set down my phone and collect my thoughts before explaining what's going on. “I said I’d go on a date with this girl, but I kind of also agreed to go to Charlie’s birthday party on the same day.”

“Oh, do you like this girl?” she asks with a hesitant smile.

“Well, um…” How do I explain this without…everything else…

“Her dog died…”

Mum scrunches her eyebrows in confusion and leans her elbows on the countertop.

“Uh, not following.”

“She was really upset, and I felt bad. And she asked me out, and I didn’t know how to say no. And I tried to tell her we probably shouldn’t go out, and I couldn’t - because I didn’t want to upset her when she was already crying about her dog,” I ramble.

“Oh, okay.”

“I mean, a lot of people are expecting us to get together, but I don’t think I like her like that.”

Mum shakes her head and says, “You shouldn’t go out with someone just because you feel sorry for them.” And when she puts it like that…it all seems so simple.

“Yeah.”

“Don’t worry,” she says turning to pull down a teacup from the cupboard, “the right girl will come along, just you wait.”

What if the right boy already has?

………

     Even through the awkwardness of that conversation, my mum's insight helped. I'm going to go to Charlie's birthday party. I want to be there for him, and I can't just abandon those plans to "keep up appearances". But, that means I need to call off this thing with Imogen. I don't think I can do it with all the rugby lads around, and honestly, I don't think that would be fair to her. Just texting also feels wrong, but maybe I can set up a time to meet with her outside of school soon and explain things. In the meantime though, Charlie really didn't give me much time to figure out a gift for him, so after me and my mum have tea, I call Nellie to follow me up to my room to brainstorm.

I plop down on my bed and open up the notes app on my phone to start a list. I type hurriedly as I run through possibilities in my head.

     Charlie's talked about some of the bands he has posters of in his room, but any genuine merchandise they're selling would take too long to get here, and any concert tickets that are released right now would be for months if not years in the future, not to mention unbearably expensive. Taking him out somewhere else this soon is a little much given that he's already having his party at the Hollywood bowl…I don't know enough about the drums to know what he would need or what I could get him for his percussion without asking about it and spoiling the gift.

     I look over at Nellie who's sat on the carpet at my feet and ask her for help. She, unfortunately, doesn't suddenly gain the ability to speak, but…she does give me an idea. I swipe to my photo gallery as I jump up and head to my makeshift workstation - the bean bag chair in the corner of my room - and start doing some research while navigating to the photos I have from the snow day me and Charlie had almost a month ago now. There's one picture of the two of us and Nellie laying into the snow, Nellie and Charlie looking up towards the camera, and me looking towards Charlie, and we're all smiling. Well, Nellie is smiling as much as a dog can, but regardless, I really like it. I set my phone down and look up how long it takes for Boots to print a 5×7 and get it delivered to my area. With rush shipping, it'll only take a day, which is perfect.

I jog back downstairs to where my mum is sitting on her iPad, and slide a little bit as I come to a stop in front of her.

"Oh, hi sweetie. You seem excited, what are you up to?"

"Um, do we have a spare picture frame lying around? Also, do you know where I put that Hoobycrafts kit I got for my birthday?"

"Well, we can check my desk - I usually keep old crafting supplies in the office."

     She gets up and leads me down the hall to our office, which has a few bookshelves and my mom's desk. I technically also have a desk set up in here, but it's mostly just covered in old papers and textbooks since I don't actually do my homework there very often. She starts searching through drawers in her desk as I check one of our bookshelves where we keep baskets of supplies for various projects. I manage to find some paint markers and a sticker pack that I really like when Mum turns around and extends something towards me.

"I couldn't find that décor kit you got, but I did manage to find this old frame." She hands me an old black wooden picture frame that's still empty.

"This is actually perfect mum, thanks!" I give her a quick hug before jogging out of the room and back upstairs.

"Be careful honey, don't want you turning your room into a glitter bomb like last time," she jokes.

--Last time I got really into a crafting project I was making a gift for my younger cousin that involved glitter letters on her birthday card, but opening the pack I was going to use, I may have spilled it all over my room. Even after cleaning it all up, it took months for me to stop finding little pieces of glitter on my clothes--

I call back, "I won't!" Oh, wait . I pause and look back from where I'm standing halfway up the stairs. "Is it alright if I order a photo from Boots?"

Mum walks back into my line of sight from the hall. "I'm assuming this is for Charlie's birthday?" she asks, smiling and shaking her head slightly.

"Yeah, it is."

"Alright then, go ahead and print what you need, but keep it under 30 pounds."

"Will do," I call as I finish my run up the stairs. I swear Sarah Nelson is the best mum in the whole world.

Chapter Text

Bowling and Birthdays

     Charlie fills me in on the details of his Birthday party at school, and soon enough the day arrives. My mum drops me off at the Hollywood Bowl at about 15:45 Saturday afternoon. It's not quite as early as I was planning on being, but Mum insisted I was being overly anxious, and that with things officially starting at four I would be fine getting there 15 minutes early. I have my gift wrapped and in a bag in one hand and my phone in the other, checking to make sure I don't have any more messages when I walk in. The only other thing I brought was my wallet, stashed in my pocket for food and games later.

     I get past the small line at the front desk - since Charlie texted that he's already checked in - and when I turn the corner down a row of arcade games I see Charlie at the end of the lane in a grey leaf-patterned jumper and jeans with a big circular card pinned to his top with "15" drawn on it - surrounded by stars. When we see each other, we both break out in smiles as he walks to meet me and I slip my cell back in my pocket.

"You came!"

"Yeah, of course I did! Happy Birthday," I say, lifting the gift bag to Charlie.

"I said you didn't have to get me anything," he responds, seeming embarrassed but grateful.

"And I ignored you," I chuckle.

"Come on," Charlie lightly grabs my hand to lead me down the row toward the back where the bowling lanes are. It still takes my breath away for a second, despite the fact that we've held hands and kissed before. 

Charlie is the only one who came to fetch me, which could just be because he's the only one who knew exactly when I was getting here but-

"Am I the first one here?"

"No, you're actually the last - we're over there, lane 17." He points to a lane a few yards away with three people testing out balls and chatting.

Seeing all of Charlie’s friends in person for the first time when I’m actually about to hang out with them, something about his friend from Higgs stands out to me. Apart from just Charlie’s Instagram, she seems familiar - like I might have seen her around before I met Charlie.

“I feel like I know her from somewhere.”

“That’s Elle, she used to go to our school. She would have been in your year, but she moved to Higgs.”

Oh. I do remember her. I think we had a geography course together, and she was always really good whenever we did trivia on capitals of Eurasian countries, which I kind of sucked at. “That’s Isaac,” Charlie continues, “He doesn’t say a lot, but he’s really nice. And you know Tao. Sorry in advance if he says anything rude to you, that’s just the way he is.”

“Okay,” I breathe out, steadying myself.

“Ready to meet them?”

     I think I am. It’s almost like meeting Charlie’s family in a lot of ways - these are the people who have been in Charlie’s life for years. Who have supported him and been there for him through the ups and downs of secondary school, and maybe even before. I don’t quite know how far they all go back, but I’m honestly excited to be officially introduced to them. While I am also a bit nervous, from what I’ve seen and heard second-hand they’re all really good people.

“Yeah.”

As we walk up Tao is sitting to the side while the other two are standing by the scoring tablet.

“Everyone, this is Nick,” Charlie introduces me, drawing their attention back to the two of us.

“Hey,” I wave, smiling at his friends.

“Hey,” Isaac responds.

“Oh good,” Elle steps in, “We’re just choosing fun names for the board.”

“Fun names?”

“Yeah, and for the record, Elle Smells was Tao’s idea,” Isaac clarifies, drawing laughs from me and Elle.

     Charlie is in as “Birthday Boy” first in the round followed by “Isaac xD” and  “Elle Smells” with two blank spots at the end - for me and Tao. There’s a joking debate that ensues about what Tao’s name should be while Charlie goes off to get some fish and chips from the food counter. When he comes back Isaac and Elle, with mock outrage from Tao himself, have narrowed the options down to Donnie Darko and Beanie Baby. Charlie votes for Beanie Baby, but Tao only concedes to “Beanie (Tao)”. In all the excitement I totally got distracted from thinking of my own punny name, so I just put myself in as Nick. 

     The first round begins with a lot of cheers as we all hit fairly good beginner's luck in hindsight. Charlie gets 8 points to start, Isaac gets 5, Elle gets a strike on her first try which sets off a whole chain of double high-fives and cheering, Tao only gets three points, and then I end off with an 8-pin knockout, and then nothing my second go before we start round 2. Over the course of the game Isaac mostly just reads a  book between his bowls, but he always cheers no matter how many points his friends get. Elle and I take a few breaks to eat and bond over the amazing chips this place has, and I also learn that she’s the one who made Charlie’s Birthday pin. Tao and I don’t talk a ton one-on-one, but I think despite his tough exterior we’re able to have a few traded jokes and shared celebration. Points-wise, fairly early on we all realise the game is going to be between me and Elle, and she gets off to an early lead, but my successes are more consistent. Despite that though, the thing I think I enjoy most is getting to see Charlie having fun with everyone, and getting to be a part of it. There is a point at which we almost go in for a big triumphant hug, but we stop just before we meet with Charlie muttering a “Sorry” quietly. I try not to let it get me down, and when I get a strike on the final round - winning the first game - we get a moment with just us as the rest of the group collects near our food and the touch screen, Elle mourning her loss, “I was so close.”

“You definitely cheated,” Charlie says, as I step back up to him.

“Oh, yeah, how?”

“You have strong rugby arms,” he says, lightly squeezing my right bicep.

Wow.

“Strong rugby arms?” I chuckle.

“You’ve got an unfair advantage.”

If he’s going to bring up my “rugby arms” he can’t expect me to not tease him back.

“I thought you liked my arms.”

“Shut up!” Charlie whispers, blushing, and we both smile at each other.

Isaac brings the group back together, asking, “Is everyone ready for a round two?”

“I’m just going to go find the bathroom,” Charlie says.

Tao and Elle still seem to be having a conversation just the two of them, so as Charlie goes off, I join Isaac setting things up for the next game. 

--Speaking of Tao and Elle though, I feel like maybe there’s something going on there. I don’t think they’re actually together or anything, but it kind of seems like they might like each other given how close they are, and their similar teasing to me and Charlie this afternoon--

“So, what’s your book about?”

“Oh, it’s called Radio Silence, and it’s basically this teen girl named Frances who’s super high achieving and feels like she’s got to go to a big university - like Oxford or Cambridge - and all that, but really just wants to pursue art…"

I nod, and he continues excitedly.

"And there’s this sci-fi podcast that she’s obsessed with, and the creator of the podcast actually lives in her village, so she ends up meeting him without realising. But eventually, she uncovers his identity, and, yeah, then hijinks ensue.”

“That actually seems really cool!”

“Yeah, it is - I don’t want to spoil anything, but if you randomly have time, let me know if you get around to reading it.”

“Absolutely!”

Isaac seems really happy to be able to nerd out about this particular novel, and it’s nice hearing him so passionate about the story and characters. 

After a minute or so Tao also goes off to go to the bathroom, and Elle helps us set up the next game on the console. Once I get my name in for this go I figure I can be the one to get snacks this time ‘round.

“I’m going to go and get some chips, do you guys want anything?”

“Oh, can you get me a coke?” Elle asks, “I’ll pay.”

“No, I’ll get it.”

“Okay,” Elle agrees.

“Isaac?”

“I’ll also accept a can of coke, if you’re paying.” He’s legitimately hilarious - in that dry, slightly sarcastic kind of way.

“Okay, all right. I’ll be back in a minute,” I chuckle.

“Thanks!” they both say as I make my way back to the diner area.

     There are a few girls ahead of me when I get there, so I wait by the far end of the counter closest to the bathrooms while the attendant prepares their order. While I’m taking a cursory glance at the menu, I hear my name from behind me.

“...Nick doesn’t even like Harry, Nick’s basically risking everything by hanging out with me, so-”

Oh god, I feel like I shouldn’t be hearing this, but I always seem to be just within earshot when Charlie’s having conversations like this. But… I don’t like how upset he sounds as he’s almost…arguing for me? I start to make my way slowly toward the bathroom door.

“Wow, I feel so sorry for the popular rugby lad who’s almost getting picked on because he dares to hang out with someone below his popularity status.” 

I've nudged the door open just slightly to get a better sense of things, and I mean…I guess I knew that Tao was weary of me, and I guess he does have reason to be given our previous interactions…

“You know that’s not what I meant.”

“Now you’re going to tell me I’m being jealous, because you’ve made a new friend and I’m scared of being alone?”

“Well…aren’t you?”

“No! I just don’t like seeing him mess with you.”

“Do you really think he’s messing me around?” That’s the first time in this whole thing I hear Charlie’s voice go legitimately scared and vulnerable.

“I mean, that’s what it looks like.”

Does it really? He’s so much more to me than that, it’s just… I’m not ready to tell everyone else yet.

“But…” Charlie starts, quieter than he was before.

“He’s…he’s…my…friend.”

Damn it.

“Fine. But if he is even slightly mean to you-”

“Yeah, you’ll murder him. I know.”

“I was going to say I’d send him a strongly-worded DM, but murder’s fine too,” Tao concedes. As intense as all that was I’m glad that Tao and Charlie were able to figure it out. Tao was just worried about Charlie, and being his best friend - was protective of him from anyone trying to “mess him about”. Still…I back away from the door and return to my place at the counter, trying to not break down. 

--Tao’s fear mirrors mine in a lot of ways. The last thing I want is to hurt Charlie, but a part of me is worried that because he’s so inherently self-sacrificing, he’s making things harder for himself in order to give me time to work everything out. I don’t know what initiated the argument…but the whole thing… Oh… oh no–

     Tao was there after the rugby game last week, I saw him leaving after the whole Imogen incident. He probably overheard what happened - that would explain the rugby lad stuff and the comment about playing Charlie around after today. I have to fix this - I have to talk to Charlie; apologise before rumors spiral.

They both come out of the bathroom not long after, and I try to school my features.

“Uhg, just go,” Tao sighs as Charlie walks over to me and Tao returns to the main group.

“Hi,” Charlie says.

“Hi.”

“You getting more food?”

I can’t just make casual conversation right now - I just… I care about him so much.

     Without saying anything I step forward and wrap my arms around Charlie. As I hug him, I tuck my face into his shoulder, closing my eyes. I don’t ever want to let him go. After he recovers from his slight shock, Charlie wraps his arms around me too, and it doesn’t take long for him to lean further into me. It feels like there’s no one else around us, and all that matters is keeping each other stable and warm. I lo-

I like him so much…

………

     We make it to the end of the second game, and Elle manages to get three strikes in a row in the last three plays.

“Yes, I win, I win,” she squeals, jumping up and down before turning back to the rest of us.

“Why am I so bad?” Tao laments.

“Well, your arms are basically twigs,” Elle teases.

“Ah! How dare you? I’m a very muscular individual,” Tao retorts, flexing said muscles, jokingly showing off for the crowd.

“You wish.”

That bit cracks Charlie up, and he has to take a moment before he turns to Elle and asks, “How did you do that?”

“I don’t know!”

“You’re really good at it!”

“Thank you.”

     At this point, Tao has returned to his spot on the bench by the chips, and Isaac is standing and reading at the back of the group again. This might be my chance to reconcile with him to the best of my ability - given everything he knows…and doesn’t know…about what’s going on with me.

I cautiously walk back and sit next to him, crossing my arms to…protect myself I suppose. 

“Good game,” he says after a moment of awkward silence.

“Good game.”

“Chip?” Tao offers the basket of chips to me.

“Thanks,” I say, taking one and nibbling it down. At least it gives me something else to do for a second.

Tao starts talking again, but this time, his tone is much harsher - much more like it was in the bathroom earlier.

“I don’t know if this thing with Charlie is a joke or not. But for some reason he really likes you, and you’re messing with him. And I will not tolerate it. So consider this your final warning.” Through his speech he slowly gets closer and closer to me, and I realise how intimidating Tao gets when he wants to be. I take a second to collect myself before responding.

“Yeah. You’re right. You’re a good friend.”

“I know,” Tao says, not breaking eye contact with me as he takes a chip and eats it, still somehow making the whole thing slightly scary. I’m the one to look away first as I tune back into Charlie’s conversation about what to do next, and try to start figuring out what to say and what to do to fix this whole situation.

………

     After a bit of trying to figure out what games everyone wants to play we end up deciding to split into three groups - Tao and Elle, who wanted to use the dance machine and Space Invaders, me and Charlie who wanted to compete in basketball and then race Mario Kart in a real arcade, and Isaac who got really excited about those coin games that I feel like are a trap, but everyone assured me he could actually win fairly consistently. After turning in our bowling balls and shoes at the front desk we all walk through the main lane of games together before breaking off. Tao and Elle are the last ones to catch up since their shoes were tied, and the rest of ours were velcro - a win in my book - but when they do Tao breaks between me and Charlie, almost dancing while pulling Elle behind him, “before someone occupies the dance machine.” They would be really cute together I think.  

     Me and Charlie actually break off to the claw machine first since I always have false hope that I can win something, and as we’re walking we pass by one where I think I could maybe get two stuffed donuts in one go. 

………

“Okay, come on. Come on, come on.”

And the claw just barely slips again.

“What?!”

Charlie laughs at my awful luck.

“Okay, I’m almost out of money now,” I say turning to him.

“Don’t look at me, I’m not giving you more just so you can lose again.”

Ah, the betrayal.

“Fine, I see how it is.”

     We both chuckle before sipping at our sodas. In the moment of silence I think this might be the time to talk about everything. We’re alone, and despite us being in a public place, the atmosphere feels safe with the neon lights in the slightly darkened room and the soft pop playing in the background.

“So, I, um… I kind of overheard you and Tao. In the bathroom earlier.”

Charlie’s face falls, “Oh.”

“I wanted to say sorry, about the whole date with Imogen thing,” I say, turning to face him fully.

“You actually went on a date with her?” Charlie asks, seeming to finally actually get upset instead of feeling guilty about his previous conversation.

“No, no,” I try to set that straight as fast as I can. I did feel pressured to, and I had a moment where I thought about it, but I know now, I wouldn’t just go out with someone else because of that fear. I couldn’t do that to Charlie or myself.

“She just asked me out, and I was so surprised, and all our mates were watching and expecting me to say yes, and… I was such an idiot - I just blurted out yes because I didn’t know how to say no without embarrassing her and confusing all our mates. And then her dog died, and I felt really bad for her, and… I’m so sorry.”

     There’s a moment, and I don’t feel as wound up anymore. Charlie’s posture has relaxed too, and it seems like he understands, that his worry has shifted to understanding, and pity I suppose, but not in a bad way.

“Isn’t that what you always tell me not to say?” he asks, leaning his shoulder on the claw machine.

“Yeah, but,” I start again, “I’ve actually done something bad.” There is a difference.

“Well, it’s not like we’re, you know…officially dating or anything…”

But what if I want to be?

“I’m gonna make it right with Imogen, I’m gonna…tell her I don’t like her like that.”

“Okay,” Charlie says, and it’s just…accepting.

I sigh lightly, resting my head on the glass of the machine, looking into the middle distance for a second, thinking.

“I wish I’d met you when I was younger,” I say, looking back into Charlie’s eyes.

He leans his head on the glass as well, “Yeah?”

I hum in agreement. “I wish I’d…known then what I know now.” 

--That I like Charlie Spring, that it’s okay, that being there for people you care about doesn’t make things harder, that suffering in silence to fit in is just as bad if not worse than anything I might deal with standing up to those bullies–

Charlie leans in with his sincere eyes, and his cute hair and his button nose…and I’m just so glad he’s here with me.

“No being sad on my birthday,” he says, and, well…he is the birthday boy. I chuckle, breaking out of my contemplative internal monologue.

“So, are you going to open my present then?” 

He wanted to save it until after bowling, and I think he was still a bit surprised that I had gotten him a gift in the first place, but I think that he may actually accept it now.

“Yeah, as long as you don’t mind,” he says as I bend over to fetch it off the floor and set down my drink.

“Well, I kind of want to see your reaction.”

     Charlie sets his drink down too, as I hand him his gift bag. He pulls out the star-paper wrapped rectangle I nestled inside - which coincidently, matches almost perfectly to the art Elle put on his birthday pin. I guess it was meant to be, I mean…it may also be that both she and I know Charlie is obsessed with space - I think his phone has at least 10 official NASA star and planet stickers on the case. Anyways, as Charlie’s opening the wrapping I give some context to the gift.

“I genuinely didn’t have time to go out and buy you something.”

He finishes opening it to reveal the photo I framed with some basic sticker decoration around the frame of little wiggles, stars, and smiley faces, all with similar pastel colors.

“Sorry it’s a bit handmade.” But Charlie’s smile grows, and so does my hope for the gift.

“That was just one of my favorite days, ever, so…”

Charlie looks up at me, and his smile doesn’t fade. I think I should tell him…it’s kind of scary, but…I think this is the right moment.

“I really like you.”

“You like me?” he asks in surprised joy.

“Wasn’t that obvious?” I return, chuckling. “Do you like me?” I ask after Charlie doesn’t say anything for a moment.

“Yes!” he says adamantly, “Obviously.” And we’re both smiling like loons now.

“Why are we like this?”

Charlie looks like he’s trying to find the right thing to say, and, “I want to kiss you so bad right now.”

Maybe that would be okay.

I look around, and there’s nobody lurking - it’s pretty private in this corner.

“Okay,” I say, nodding and looking back into Charlie’s eyes.

“You don’t have to.”

“I want to.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

     Charlie steps towards me, leans in, and my eyes close as our lips meet. The kisses are almost peaceful as we just exist in the moment, but the emotion behind them isn’t any less powerful. My left hand comes up to the back of his neck as we softly hold each other. After a moment that lasts a lifetime, but is still way too short, we drift apart, and Charlie smiles, and so do I. There's this overwhelming feeling of care and hope that feels like it may overflow out of my capacity to hold it as we look into each others’ eyes one more time, before quickly checking the perimeter again.

“Come on,” Charlie says, “we need to find the basketball machine.” He grabs his drink, taking it and his gift with him as he heads off to reserve the game for us, but I stay where I am, still reeling a bit. It’s like when we kissed, after saying out loud that we like each other, something fell into place. I know what I need to do, and I’m not so afraid anymore. I pull my phone out of my back pocket and pull up my Instagram messages with Imogen - the most recent of which was her saying how much she was looking forward to tonight. I type out:

“Imogen I’m so sorry but I can’t do tonight anymore.. Are you free tomorrow?? I can explain everything”

And I think I can.

………

     Charlie and I play at the basketball machine for a bit, and he actually nearly beats me, which he attributes to his love of the arcade and not his proficiency in sports. One day I’ll convince him . The game we spend the most time at though is obviously the Mario Kart Racer with actual steering wheels and gas pedals and everything. I thought the different control system might give me an edge, since I’ve actually started learning how to drive, and Charlie hasn’t, but I’m sorely mistaken. He still smokes me every game.

Charlie’s giggling as he manages to hit me with two green shells in a row.

“There’s no way I can beat you in this game!”

“Oooooh!” Charlie cheers, crossing the finish line in first.

“Literally, how do you always beat me?”

“I don’t know what to tell you, I was just born to race,” he says smugly.

“Do you want to get slushies?” It’s not necessarily related, but some blue raspberry goodness would taste so good right now.

“God, yes.”

We both slip out of the booth, Charlie leading the way back to the food counter to get some more sugary drinks.

Once or twice while we’re all playing in the arcade Isaac makes a circuit handing out new tokens he’s won so that we can all keep playing around; we cross paths with Elle and Tao after their coincidental game of shooting aliens in which me and Elle are the defeated parties; there are a  few trips back to get drinks and snacks; and this may just beat out me and Charlie’s Snow Day for my new favorite day ever. Maybe being with Charlie just works that way.

Chapter Text

Feelings and Friendship

     It’s about half 1 on Sunday and a cool breeze is blowing both the smell of fresh soil and my own hair into my face. I texted Imogen a bit more last night setting up a time and place to meet, so I’m currently waiting for her at Burnham Park on a bench right by the main walking path entrance. Nellie is sitting up on the bench beside me - something I decided on this morning. Given that so much of what Imogen’s been going through this last week has had to do with her dog dying I thought that Nellie might help a bit. It won’t heal that loss, but I hope she can at least lessen it a bit. I’m kind of fumbling around in my own mind, ironing out what I plan to say when Imogen walks up to us.

“Hi,” I say, standing up, with Nellie leaping down beside me as well.

“Oh my god, is this Nellie?” Imogen asks as she kneels down to give her some pets and hugs.

“I’m really sorry about your dog. I thought Nellie might cheer you up a bit.”

     Imogen holds Nellie a bit longer but looks up at me. I can see in her eyes that she’s still sad, but I think she genuinely means it when she says “Thank you.” We stand in only slightly tense silence as Nellie gets her fill of affection from Imogen and soon we’re both sitting back down on the bench, Nellie resting her head on Imogen’s lap. She really is a sweet dog, and often instinctually knows to be more cuddly when someone is upset.

“Sorry about yesterday.”

“It’s okay.”

I hope this goes smoothly…

“Imogen, I…You’re a really nice person. But…I don’t like you like that.” There - it’s out in the open now.

Imogen takes a deep breath, still looking out at the park.

“It’s not anything to do with you, I just don’t think we really…fit together. I’m not sure that I…fit. With you, or…other people in our friend group.”

Imogen looks at me now, “But…we’ve been friends for so long, we hang out every morning.”

Maybe that’s the problem - I’ve been stuck. I think a lot of us have.

“Do you ever feel like…you’re only doing things because everyone else is? And you’re scared to…change. Or do something that might confuse or surprise people? Your real personality has been like…buried inside you. For a really long time.” I don’t think I’m asking Imogen these questions anymore. I mean, I’d like to know if she feels the same way I do, but in a lot of ways, I’m just finally saying out loud what I’ve been feeling these past few months.

“I guess, um…that’s how I’ve been feeling recently…”

God, that’s so much to dump on her after having just turned her down for a date we were supposed to go on yesterday.

“Sorry, that probably makes no sense.”

“No,” she finally interrupts, “I think I get it.”

We look at each other, and there’s this…tentative understanding that seems to unfurl in the space between us.

“Thanks. For being honest,” Imogen says. 

     It’s an olive branch. She’s forgiving me for not going out with her, for not wanting to; and I think…maybe we can be more open now. It’ll take some time still, but I’m hopeful. Maybe now we can get to know who each of us really are, maybe we can still be real friends. We sit in the park with Nellie for a while longer, not saying much more before our goodbyes, but it’s not awkward. We’re turning a page, and I know all the things I appreciated about our friendship are still there…but there’s a deeper layer of our identities that we can figure out moving forward, and for right now, we can just be together in silence, enjoying the weather and my fluffy dog.

………

     We’re back at school Monday morning, and me and Imogen find each other before even sitting down. She’s still not quite back to her usual level of bubbly happiness, but there's a quieter contentment that I think we both feel after everything as we talk just the two of us at our regular table.

“...yeah, there’s definitely a connection.”

“With me and Nellie?”

“Yeah.”

Suddenly Harry’s voice interrupts as he bumps my shoulder with his.

“So, how was your date?” he asks - like he’s trying to be sly - resting his forearm on my back.

“We decided we were better off as friends,” Imogen responds, sounding almost smug about it. Thank god for her acting skills.

“All right, what did Nick do?”

“Nothing,” she insists, then glancing back at me, jokes, “I just think I could do better.”

I’m really glad she’s handling this cause…I’m barely keeping it together with the boys’ antics. It’s not that I’m looking to start a fight, I just feel so…tired.

Harry grabs me full-on this time, patting my shoulder and chuckling; “You’re proper thick about girls sometimes, aren’t you, mate?”

     This time I already have Charlie. But…maybe I have other people in my corner too. Isaac and Elle seem to like me, and I think Tao will come around eventually. And I still have Imogen. I’m not holding out too much hope for the other rugby boys, but at least even if everything falls apart with this persona that seems to have been built around me as I’ve gotten older, I’ve still got people I can fall back on, and Charlie’s hand to hold.

Chapter Text

Identity

     It’s pizza night tonight, and me and Mum went all out making the dough from scratch, shredding the cheese, simmering the sauce - the whole shebang, and we just took our two oven-baked masterpieces out to cool. One we made with the classic cheese and sausage, and the second we made with spinach, garlic, and bacon bits. They smell really good even from the living room, where I’m currently sitting on the carpet with my back up against the couch and Nellie at my side; Mum is actually on the couch looking at her tablet. We’re trying to think of a movie to watch while we eat, and…I have the start of an idea to broach…things. I’ve searched up “best lgbt movies” on my phone and I’m scrolling through a recommended list, but I don’t know the plots of a ton of these, apart from the oscar-nominated ones that are guaranteed to be depressing.

“Mamma Mia,” my mum suggests, breaking me out of my mental debate.

“We’ve seen that four times this year already,” I say, looking back to her.

“Oh, you think of something, I’m going to dish up the pizzas.”

     I keep scrolling as she leaves the room, and I’m still not having a ton of luck. There are options, but I’m not sure if I want this to be my coming out - cause I don’t even know what I am yet - and if it’s not, if I just want to bring up queer stuff with my mum she might still ask why, and…I can’t script the perfect outcome.

All too quickly, Mum returns with dinner and a delighted suggestion.

“I’ve got it. Pirates of the Caribbean. It’s a classic, what do you think?”

I take a breath, “Yeah. That sounds good.”

     We don’t even really have to discuss which film we put on from the series - we go to an all-time favorite of ours: Curse of the Black Pearl. It’s the first and arguably best in the franchise before everything got all garbled with CGI villains and actors dropping out. We’ve finished our pizzas at this point - which were amazing - and we’re all on the couch together - including Nellie - watching the scene where Will and Elizabeth really start their whole romantic arc.

“Remember that summer when you were like 11, and we had to watch this every evening?”

“It wasn’t every evening,” I roll my eyes.

“It definitely was, 'cause I could quote it word-for-word by the end of it. And I knew it was because you loved Kira Knightly,” my mum teases as she pets my arm.

“ Mum -”

“What? She’s a very pretty girl.”

“Please stop talking,” I admonish. It’s all in good fun, but it’s still embarrassing to talk about my childhood crushes with my mum. Especially when it’s… I don’t know, it’s different now. There’s this layer of awkward distance between us because…she doesn’t know everything about my life right now. I think I’m falling for a boy and she has no clue. I try not to dwell on it too much though, tonight is too peaceful.

“...I don’t know…”

“Sorry, blacksmith’s hands. I know they’re rough.”

“No. I mean, yes, they are, but…Don’t stop.”

I mean… she is really pretty, but…so is Will. 

Maybe that’s it…

     It’s really difficult to stay focused the rest of the way through the film, and when it finishes I do my best to hold myself back from fully jumping off the couch and sprinting to my room, instead being very reasonable and walking to wash the dishes before heading up to get ready for bed.

Once I’m safely upstairs I fetch my laptop and lay on my bed, with Nellie obviously laying next to me, and she’s close to snoring at this point.

I open up google…and I feel like this is becoming a trend now.

“bisexual”

It’s a term I’ve heard before, but I’m not really sure exactly where it fits on the whole spectrum of sexualities, so I find a youtube video with a guy talking about his coming out story being bi, and I click on it.

     “...I was about 14 when I realised I was bisexual. I had a best friend at the time, and we were completely inseparable.”

I mean - it’s not dissimilar to me and Charlie.

     “And one day we shared a kiss, and I didn’t feel weird about it. I didn’t feel like it was an odd thing to do. In fact, it felt incredibly right.”

Oh.

     “I always felt like I had feelings for girls up to that point, but all of a sudden I started having feelings for guys too. And that’s when I realised, I’m bisexual.”

I mean, I don’t want to throw a party or anything just yet, but that’s…pretty much my life right now in a nutshell. I know everybody’s story is different, and I shouldn’t take this one guy’s experience to be universal, but…it’s a step in the right direction, and I feel so seen in just a few minutes of video it’s almost embarrassing. I still think I need a bit more time with all of this, but I’m closer. Closer to being able to figure out where I am with Charlie, closer to being able to tell people, closer to being able to dance with Charlie at a crowded party and have it be okay.

………

     Speaking of Charlie, after everything that happened on his birthday, we've been closer than ever this week. We've had lunch together a few other times after Mr. Ajayi's room, but we basically sit together and get distracted chatting for that hour every day this week. We walk out of school together whether or not it's a rugby day, and even in practice, we stay off to the side of the field just us if we can manage it. It's still tough sometimes - mostly, I don't know how to handle Harry and Tao's continuing feud, but Tao holds his own and nothing has gotten truly heated, so usually I just watch from the sidelines with Imogen, who I also get to spend a lot more time with now. It's like the whole fiasco with our date broke down the walls we had built around ourselves. I forgot how much we have in common, but we catch up about everything we've done in our lives over the past year, books we've read, the politics of Brexit debates, how her family's doing, how Nellie is, everything; and it's really nice. 

………

     On Wednesday me and Charlie organize a get-together for after-school, just going to the park with Nellie and spending some time together outside of Truham. We haven't gotten any time in the evenings this week because Charlie has extra band practices for a performance coming up with Higgs. 

--It's actually something we decided on after Rugby practice when his knee got a bit bruised and I took him to the locker room for an ice pack. It was still a bit sensitive from the game with St. John's and he twisted a bit wrong, but it ended up being fine. Though… we did end up kissing a few times before people came back to find us and we figured we should give ourselves time where we can't be "caught". It's not quite a date, I don't think, but I still look forward to it--

     We're laying out side by side on a blanket I brought from home when I went to pick up Nellie, and the warm breeze is staving off the last of the lingering cold from this morning. 

“I have a question,” I start, letting my head roll to my left to look at Charlie.

“Yeah?”

“I just wondered, like… How did you realise you were gay?”

“Oh, uh…I guess I’ve always been sort of aware of it. Even when I was really young. I didn’t understand it at the time, but… it’s always been boys,” Charlie sighs lightly.

     I look back up to the sky, closing my eyes.

“I’m guessing you didn’t feel the same when you were little,” he adds at my silence.

“Well…no. I don’t know…what I am,” I say, turning back to him again.

“You don’t have to figure it out right now. I didn’t just wake up one day like, ‘oh look, guess I’m gay now!’”

     That gets a chuckle out of me.

“Well…I’m sorry for being all confused.”

“I thought I was the one who said sorry too much,” Charlie teases.

“Oi!” I still stand by that opinion.

     Charlie casts a glance around us before extending his hand to mine.

“Do you want a kiss? Would that help?” he asks with mischief in his voice.

“Wow,” I deadpan.

“Just a suggestion.”

“Wooow.”

“Well, if you’re not interested, then-,” Charlie says sitting up, but keeping his hand in mine.

“Okay, hang on,” I interrupt him, sitting up on my elbow to pull him back towards me, and we’re both still smiling.

“It’s a good suggestion,” I say in a slightly softer tone, just for us to hear, not that there are other people around. Charlie starts to drift towards me, and it may sound strange, but I’m still astounded that this is my life now. I get to kiss Charlie Spring because he likes me back , but…I hear barking from a path behind us, and look past Charlie to see where it’s coming from. There are two people - seem to be a couple - walking their dog a ways away from our tree-covered nook, but within sight. I feel panic well up inside me, winding my stomach into a tight knot that pulls me away from Charlie. I sit back up, trying to slow my breathing while massaging the palm of my left hand - a nervous habit I’ve had since grade 4. God. I shouldn’t feel like this. I don’t care what random strangers think, or I shouldn’t at least, I just…

     Charlie sits up next to me, just watching my movements.

I shake my head, “Sorry…”

“Don’t be sorry,” he says, with that gentle compassion in his voice that reminds me he’s been through this before. He’s here for me. It’s more than I could ever ask for.

Chapter Text

Pride

     “...growing up bisexual is constantly second-guessing yourself. One day you’ll have a crush on a guy, the next day you have a crush on a girl and you’re sitting there going,         ‘Which one is it? Make a choice.’ And then you realise, there isn’t a choice. It’s a combination of the both, like, you can have both and it be okay.”

I’m sitting up in bed, my laptop on my lap, with another video cued up from the same creator I found from the coming out as bisexual one. He’s talking about his experiences in school and growing up figuring out who he is when all the other kids in his class seemed set already. That one line makes me stop - “...you realise there isn’t a choice…you can have both and it be okay.” There’s something so comforting about him saying that out loud. Not just with Charlie, but in the rest of my life. Since I met Charlie I’ve realised how stuck I’ve been with the same people and the same personality for so many years, and realising that that wasn’t who I really was scared me. What else is just other people putting labels on me that I went with because it was easier? But…that thought is scary too, in a different way. I think I would miss a lot of things from my “old life” if I just dropped everything. And that line…maybe that’s okay. I still love rugby. I still like hanging out with Imogen. I still love watching Mamma Mia with my mum and Nellie. Maybe I can still have all the things that make me happy but also stand up for myself and Charlie against the things that I felt trapped by. I can be with Charlie and still be myself. Besides, changing yourself for someone you’re in a relationship with is a sucky thing, if Ben is anything to go by. I just have to be brave.

………

     On Thursday I walk Charlie to his rehearsal after form, and it's kind of wild how quickly this all came together. All the equipment is set up in the Truham North Gym, and some of the Higgs girls are already practicing when we get there.

"I can't believe you get the whole day off to rehearse for this," I say incredulously - I have to slog through Maths and Geography while Charlie hangs out and plays the drums all afternoon, I'm so jealous.

"Sometimes playing a musical instrument has its benefits," Charlie chuckles, holding up his drumsticks.

"When's the concert?"

"Friday night."

"Can I come?"

"Wot, why?"

"Because you're performing!" Does he really not realise how amazing he is? I  would take an excuse to hang out with Charlie any day, and it would be a crime to pass up seeing him play alongside a whole orchestra with his incredible drumming skills.

"You don't have to come. You've probably got way more interesting things to do."

     Before I can tell Charlie that there's nothing more interesting or fun for me than the things that make him happy, the conductor calls over for him, " Charlie, come on! Your drum kit still isn't set up." He nods to me with a smile and makes his way over to the rest of the students practicing.

I look after him, still smiling despite Charlie's nerves about the whole thing, when someone else walks up beside me.

"Hi, Nick!"

"Tara! You're in the orchestra too?"

It's so nice to see her.

"Yeah."

"I have literally no musical ability. Charlie tried to teach me the drums once and I'm absolutely crap," I chuckle.

Tara laughs too, before asking, " You and Charlie getting along well then?" and there's that slight mischief in her eyes that I still recognize from grade 8.

"Uh… yeah."

     I look over to where Charlie's now sat at his drum set, and… I feel comfortable with Tara. She trusted me enough to come out at Harry's party, and… I feel like I want to tell her about me and Charlie, as odd as that is. It's been a struggle, worrying what people might think, but Tara isn't just some stranger. We're friends, at least we were, and I don't think that connection has gone away entirely. I want to take this leap.

"Actually, well… we're sort of going out." Wow .

"Are you?" she asks with a wide grin on her face.

"I mean…we haven't made it official or anything, but, yeah." It's like Tara's as excited as I am for us if her expression is anything to go by. But…I have another thought.

"Please don't tell anyone though."

     The feeling of telling Tara that we're together was amazing, I'm still a little giddy having said the words out loud, but I want to keep it between just me and her for now. The gossip train of Truham and Higgs is ruthless.

"No, of course," she says seriously, before adding after a moment, "It's funny how things turned out between us."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, when we were thirteen I thought we were gonna be boyfriend and girlfriend forever."

     We both chuckle at that because honestly, it's really true, as ridiculous as that sounds for a pair of primary school kids.

"Yup, so did I…Are you and Darcy out to your friends then?"

"Since I, uh, posted on Insta, everyone kind of knows now," she shrugs, and right as she goes to continue her explanation I see a familiar face in a bright tie-dyed hoodie who puts a finger to her lips as she sneaks behind Tara with a trumpet at the ready. I have no intention of blowing her cover.

"-uh, some people were surprised, a couple of people already knew-"

     And then a loud note sounds off from beside Tara's left ear and she jumps.

"Darcy!"

Darcy laughs slightly maniacally, "Triumph at last!"

     From the other side of the gym we all hear the conductor call out again.

"Come on girls! We're running through it again in a minute."

Before they set off Tara turns to me again, "We're here all day if you want to meet us for lunch?"

"Yeah, that'd be nice," I agree, and Tara and Darcy skip over to their spots with the rest of the group. I turn towards the assembly, and Charlie's eyes meet mine as he waves to me. I wave back, smiling, and I would stay here with him for the rest of the day if I could, but I'm already pushing it being this close to the late bell for Maths, so I head out soon after they start their run-through of the next piece.

………

     Tara, Darcy, and I meet up for lunch on the football field, which is fenced off from the rest of the outdoor space and is closer to the gym, so we basically have a little corner of campus to ourselves. Tara and I update Darcy on everything I told her earlier, and the grin on her face grows as we get to the end of the story of our mutual coming outs.

“Oh my god, we’ve found another one!”

“You can’t tell anyone,” Tara cuts her off, “She won’t tell anyone,” she assures me, and I nod. I wouldn’t expect her to. Even though Darcy can be loud as a person, I trust her, especially since she went through a similar thing just recently figuring out how long to keep her relationship secret.

“Yeah, I um-” I start, but I hear a familiar voice from behind us that draws my attention.

“-not having lunch with your boyfriend?” Harry.

“No, I’m waiting for your mum, actually.” Tao.

     It seems like all three of us caught onto that particular interaction just now. I guess I am generally known as Harry’s mate, and now that Tara and Darcy know I’m going out with Charlie, I have an odd connection with Tao too. The air is just a bit thicker than before when I continue my previous thought.

“I’m not really…out yet, or anything.”

“Do you want to be?” Darcy asks.

     That makes me pause for a second. I never thought about it quite like that. As something I want or I don’t yet, and that’s it.

“I don’t know. I mean, I don’t even know what my sexuality is.”

“That’s okay,” Darcy continues, “Tara didn’t know she was a lesbian until we’d kissed, like, six times.”

“It was two times,” Tara corrects bashfully, and we all laugh again, any tension that might have built up being broken.

“Oh my god, do you know what we need to do?” Darcy leads, “Double date. Us and Charlie, tomorrow night before the concert, milkshakes.”

“I like milkshakes,” I agree, reaching to uncap my smoothie.

“Good,” Tara says confidently, and we get started on planning.

………

     As we’re walking back to their rehearsal Tara gives me some final advice.

“Don’t feel like you have to come out to anyone before you’re ready.”

“Oh. Yeah.”

“Being out is hard. A lot of people will see you in a different way, and it is a lot to deal with.”

     I wonder what all Tara has had to deal with since coming out. From what I understand Darcy has been out since the start of secondary school, and Tara is just stepping into all of that now - I hope it’s not too hard on her; I hope it wouldn’t be too hard on me. But that’s still a ways away, and for now… I have a question on my mind.

“Can I ask you something?” I say to Tara as the three of us stop in front of the gym doors.

“Yeah.”

“Are you, like…definitely gay? Or do you think you’re bi, or…” Tara has a look of confusion on her face, and I figure I should give her some explanation. I don’t want to question her identity or anything, but I am curious how she feels about our…whatever it was in grade 8.

“I mean, when we were 13, I think I did like you,” and she smiles at that, “I mean, I think I have liked girls before, so I wondered if you felt the same.”

“I’m definitely gay,” Tara starts with the lightness back in her voice, “Kissing you was actually one of the things that made me realise I don’t like kissing guys.”

Ouch, I mean, I’m glad we both got to where we are now, but wow.

I laugh a bit, “Okay, um… happy to help?”

     Tara and Darcy both chuckle then.

“Uh, see you tomorrow?” Tara asks.

“Yeah, that sounds really good,” I respond, looking between both of them.

Tara turns to walk away, but I stop her for a second, “Um…you’re kind of the first people I’ve told - about Charlie…”

“Really?” she asks.

“Yeah.”

“And does it feel good to have told someone?”

I take a second, and, “Yeah, it really does.”

The three of us all smile at each other as Tara and Darcy nod a goodbye to me and return to their afternoon rehearsal.

     It really does feel like a weight’s been lifted off my shoulders opening up to Tara and Darcy. I also think that Tara felt just as grateful as I did to her for trusting her as someone who I could come out to, which warms my heart. Even though I didn’t have a particular label or anything to share with them, it didn’t matter that much. They were accepting despite my confusion, and they were just excited for me to have a relationship I’m happy in with Charlie. Speaking of which, we have a study session scheduled at Charlie’s house after school to start getting prepped for revisions in third term - I'm looking forward to it.

………

     I get to Charlie’s around 16:30 and we end up on the carpeted floor of his room both working on different assignments while listening to a playlist from Charlie’s phone that he’s titled “it’s not raining!”. I’ve got a maths worksheet on rates of change I’m struggling through, and Charlie’s studying vocabulary for his Spanish GCSE, and he’s definitely helped me more with my stuff than I have with his at this point. 

--I’m basically fluent in French, so I took those courses for an easier language credit--

     I’m stuck on a question about carbon emissions when I look over to see how Charlie is doing - we’ve actually been focused for a while so it’s been pretty quiet for the last few minutes. Charlie’s looking at me when I raise my eyes, but he turns back to his notebook when I notice his gaze. Heat rises in my cheeks, and it's totally not because I find it really cute that Charlie was ignoring his work, just looking at me.

“Wot?” I ask.

“Wot?” he says as if he has no clue what I’m referring to.

“You were staring,” I chuckle.

“No I wasn’t.”

“Yeah, you were!”

“Do your homework,” Charlie says as he throws his pen at the side of my face. But, since we’re distracted anyway… I figure this is as good a time as any to tell Charlie about my day and how my talk with Tara and Darcy went. I move my worksheet and pen out of the way and shift to actually be sitting with my feet in front of me, scooting closer to Charlie. He leans up on his left side to stay on level with me.

“You know, I was talking to Tara at the rehearsal today.”

“Yeah?”

“You heard she came out right?”

“Yeah, she put it on Insta.”

“I told her…we’re together.”

“What?” Charlie asks, a smile growing on his face as he sits up on his knees.

“I told her we’re going out,” I smile too.

There’s a split second before Charlie tackles me in a hug, “Oh my god, that’s amazing!” He pushes himself up just enough for us to actually see each other. " You're amazing!" and he leans back down, catching me in a sweeping kiss that has my heart leaping.

Charlie pulls away after a moment, which, why would he ever want to do that?

"Wait, are you sure you wanted to?"

"Um, yeah." Obviously. It still makes me a bit nervous, but the longer I'm with Charlie the more that melts away into a want to brag to the whole world that Charlie Spring wants to date me. That we like each other, and we're happy together.

"You didn't force yourself, because I'm out already?"

"No, I wanted to tell them."

     Charlie seems satisfied with that, and he kisses me again, our arms still wrapped around each other. It's almost hard to keep kissing him given how widely we're both smiling - almost . Without thinking much about it, I flip us over, so I'm hovering over Charlie now and we both laugh slightly, but the look that passes between us is so gentle and caring that my chest almost bursts. I kiss him one more time, his arms tightening around the back of my hoodie before we finally separate, smiling at each other for a long time before I roll off of him and we reluctantly finish our work before my mum calls me home for dinner.

………

     It feels like no time at all before we're at Charlie's front door and I'm tying my trainers, getting set to go.

"So about the concert tomorrow night-"

"You really don't have to come. It'll be boring."

"No, I want to support you." I hope it's not that he doesn't want me to come, that he's just nervous and trying to be polite about it…

"Um, okay, but if you change your mind, that's fine."

I figure I'll leave that for now…besides, I have other plans I need to clear with Charlie.

"And, Tara and Darcy want us to go and get milkshakes with them before it starts. Like a double date?" Okay, this makes me much more nervous than I thought it would. I guess I am kind of asking him out on a date for the first time… that's a wild thought.

"I've never been on a date," Charlie chuckles bashfully. Really? I mean… I'm his first date? That's amazing and terrifying at the same time.

"Me neither. Wanna go on one?" 

"Yeah," he nods emphatically, and we both laugh at our shared nerves and excitement.

"Cool! Um, I'll - I'll see you tomorrow?" I say, stepping off to pick up my messenger bag from beside the door.

"Okay," Charlie responds, nodding as I open the door and stand in the entryway for a second. Me and Charlie are just looking at each other, not wanting to say goodbye yet, but… I do have to get home - unfortunately.

"Bye," Charlie breaks the silence.

"Bye." And I make my way down the walkway, turning back one last time to wave to Charlie before I head on the path back to my house. I may or may not skip for a few paces once I know I'm out of line of sight of the door, letting my absolute glee show through for a moment before pulling myself together so I can sit calmly with Mum for dinner.

………

     Later that night while I’m sitting in bed on my phone I get a sudden text from Darcy to a new group chat she seems to have opened up for her, Tara, me, and Charlie.

          “tao and elle should come to our double date”

Huh.

“Wait, are they dating??             

          “not YET they’re not”

I see Charlie typing almost immediately.

          “do tao and elle like each other???”

          “Elle definitely likes Tao”

          “And they’d make such a good couple!!!”

Tara and Darcy chime in in quick succession. I’m glad I’m not the only one who suspected something between those two.

          “btw they don’t know me and Nick are together”

          “That’s okay!! We won’t say anything”

“So now it’s a triple date?”          

          “and tao and elle don’t know it’s a date at all…”

          “we are such meddling gays and I love it”

Despite the momentary tension I felt at Charlie letting Tara and Darcy know we’re still not out to the rest of his friends, Darcy’s last text joking with all of us about being “meddling gays” makes me smile. That’s the first time someone has ever included me in that community, and it was so casual and…joyful. Maybe these can be my people. After having lunch with Tara and Darcy today, I know I want them to be my friends - real friends - for as long as they’ll have me, and even over text, having this group of people who I can be entirely myself around is heartwarming. I hope it’s just as nice tomorrow, even if we do have to keep things between me and Charlie under wraps around Tao and Elle. I want to let him have the choice of when he tells his friends. I did come out to Tara without asking him, but it’s different especially with Tao. I don’t want to interfere with their dynamic if I can help it, and I want Charlie to feel comfortable, so I’ll do my best to follow his lead tomorrow when it comes to couple-y stuff.

Chapter Text

Milkshakes

     On Friday we all make it to the Milkshake Café in Burnham Park fairly shortly after school where Tao and Elle actually arrive first and save a table under one of their canopies. Once everyone gets there and orders we chat for a while, sipping on our milkshakes, and it’s wonderful . We just came roundabout back to talking about the concert a second ago.

“Well, do you ever play film music?” Tao asks the orchestral members of the group.

“Yeah, sometimes,” Tara responds.

“Well then, it’s not boring then.”

“Why did you agree to come if you thought it would be boring,” Charlie turns back to Tao sounding mockingly betrayed.

“Uh, because I’m a very nice and supportive friend, obviously.” Tao sits up straighter then, nodding dramatically as if to flip his hair to show how great a pillar he is of loyalty in friendship.

“No-” Elle buts in, “he came for the milkshakes and the milkshakes only .” Charlie’s jaw drops.

Oh, the truth has been revealed!

“I said that to you in confidence!” Tao chides.

“So, how’d you two become friends?” Darcy asks, shifting away from the reveal of Tao’s true intentions.

“I was friends with Charlie first, and then Tao came along as a package deal,” Elle explains.

“Ah! Rude,” Tao starts, rolling his R in a humorous attempt at a Scottish accent, “you’re lucky to have me.”

Elle chuckles at that.

“You make a cute little pair,” Darcy adds.

     I mean, given our text chain last night, is she actually trying to set Tao and Elle up? As much as I think they like each other, I would not be brave enough to try that this early in knowing them both, but I guess Darcy’s spent more time with Elle than I have. There is a bit of an awkward pause after that, but thankfully a few of us fill it by finishing off the last of our drinks.

“So… we’re ordering a second round right?” Tao asks. There’s a chorus of agreements, and I make eye contact with Charlie for a second before offering, 

“Yeah, I mean, we can go and get them if you like?”

Everyone nods and gives us their requested flavors as we get up to put everything in at the cart.

     It takes a few minutes for the milkshakes to start coming out, since there are so many, but the guy working the counter gets mine and Charlies finished first, so I ask him to take a sip of mine since he questioned my love of bubblegum earlier, which is a mistake that must be rectified. But..once he takes a drink he pulls this face before setting the glass back down.

“Oh my god, no, that is a crime,” he says, pointing to the glass accusingly.

“I cannot believe you’re disrespecting bubblegum flavor in front of me. Alright, let me try yours.” Charlie ordered this chocolate-peanut-butter milkshake both rounds, so I figure I’ll see how it holds up to my favorite. I take a small sip and… oh my god, wait a second. I’m hesitant to admit defeat, but that’s double tasty.

“Wow.”

“See, I make good choices,” Charlie says, bouncing his head side to side with a slight giddiness at having won this particular battle.

“We should swap.”

“No! You made your choice,” he teases.

“Okay, well, we can share,” I say, pulling out two extra straws from the jar on the counter. “We are on a date.”

“Is that the official rule of dating? Sharing drinks.”

I take a second, just smiling at Charlie. “Yeah.”

“We should go on a date just us.” There’s nothing I’d love more. I think looking down at my feet, slightly bashful.

"I mean - if you want to," Charlie adds.

"It's alright if you don't want to - actually - no, sorry that was a st-"

"We should,'' I interrupt his spiraling, looking at him fondly, "I'd like that."

     It takes a minute for the clink of glasses to pull us both back to reality. We both pick up one more milkshake, and look back at each other chuckling - we're not going to have enough hands to carry all six of these-

When the final two are being made Charlie calls back over to Tao to hopefully help us lug all of these back to the group, "Tao, can you come help us carry the glasses?"

"Yeah," Tao responds, sliding out of the bench and slowly shuffling over to us. At this point, we have come back to arguing over bubblegum flavor though, since Charlie agreed to share his shake with me, but said he did not need to share mine.

"-bubble gum is more interesting, it's more interesting-"

     Tao clears his throat from behind Charlie, and I realise just how quickly I was distracted by bantering with him, and clearly Charlie feels similarly as he almost startles, turning towards Tao.

"I'm not interrupting anything am I?" Tao asks, though with slightly more sheepishness than I would have expected. I wonder if he has some feeling about me and Charlie…

"Uhm, no, we were just chatting," Charlie laughs off, just slightly too flustered. I still stick by my decision to let Charlie tell his friends when he wants to, but I don't think any of them would react particularly badly. Even if Tao isn't my biggest fan, the most I would expect is the stern Best Friend speech about not hurting Charlie or he'll hunt me down. Regardless, I'm letting Charlie take the lead on this - he does know Tao much better than I do, though even I can see that Charlie's defensive answer weirded Tao out a bit.

"Umm, okay," Tao says and a slightly too long, awkwardly charged pause follows him.

"You take those back," Tao starts again pointing at the drinks we already have, "I'll wait for the last two."

"You sure?" Charlie asks sincerely, likely not wanting Tao to feel left behind at all.

"Yeah."

"Okay," Charlie says, and starts back off toward the tent. I nod to the server, thanking him one more time before I follow. Charlie pauses to look back to Tao about halfway, so I end up getting to the table just a bit before he sets his glasses down.

"Here we are," I announce, setting Darcy's drink in front of her, keeping mine in my hand while Charlie does the same with Tara. As we both sit down though, the girls' previous conversation seems to skid to a halt.

"Is this some sort of 'No Boys Allowed' conversation?" Charlie asks.

"Did you know about this too? The me and Tao thing," Elle asks in a more serious tone, looking between Charlie and me.

"Uhm, yeah," Charlie responds - a guilty look crossing his features.

"So this was all just a set-up?"

     Oh god, I never meant it to come off that way, I don't think any of us did. Honestly, this would have happened with or without Tao and Elle's whole situation, but I don't know if it's my place to console Elle…though… I think shedding some light on things could help fix this. I make eye contact with Charlie as I start speaking, "We thought…" and there is a spark in his eyes as he gives me a slight nod, so I continue, "it would be fun to go on a triple-date." There, it's out in the open now.

Elle's demeanor almost immediately flips.

" Triple date?"

"Yeah, you and Tao, Tara and Darcy, and…"

"You and Charlie?" Elle finishes my thought.

"Yeah," I smile.

"You two are together?" She asks Charlie this time, almost incredulously, but with clear happiness ringing out in her voice.

"Yeah," Charlie nods excitedly. 

     Elle gasps then, "Charlie!" She grabs his hands in hers, congratulating him, "I'm so happy for you. I mean, I'm happy for you too," she continues, turning to me, "but you didn't have to witness all the months of intense pining."

"Elle!" Charlie whines as the whole table bursts into giggles. 

Wow . Well, I'm glad I wasn't the only one…

"Do Tao and Isaac know?" she asks, lowering her voice.

"I think Isaac guessed, like, almost immediately after we got together," Charlie explains.

God, yeah, the whole antiseptic wipes situation…

"And…what about Tao?"

"Not yet," Charlie admits, " I'm gonna tell him, I just need to find the right time."

"But, he's the only one who doesn't know-"

     Luckily, or unluckily I suppose, depending on how you look at it, Tao returns just a second later with his and Elle's milkshakes and inadvertently breaks the tension after taking a sip, "Just so you know, the concert's starting in 15 minutes…"

"Oh," a few of us manage to say before we all start slurping madly at our milkshakes, trying to get them down as quickly as possible. We all miraculously avoid brain freeze, but I only manage to get one more sip of Charlie's chocolate peanut butter masterpiece given how fast he gets through the dessert.

………

     On our way back to Truham me and Charlie are basically walking shoulder-to-shoulder, and I just barely keep myself from reaching for his hand, but I'm too happy and in too good a company to hold back the heart eyes I'm sure I'm giving him. Tao and Elle break off and walk together in their own little world too though. I hope they eventually figure out that they like each other…

By the time we all cross the threshold into the gym, we're about 10 minutes late to the rehearsal call time, but there's still 15 minutes left till other people start arriving.

"Tara, Darcy, hurry up! You're late - sit down, chop chop…thank you," the conductor interrupts our continued giggling from the fact that Tara just revealed how Darcy was eating the whipped cream out of her milkshake with her finger before actually drinking it earlier. The girls split off to the brass section, while Charlie takes me back to his drum set and Tao and Elle go to find seats in the as-yet empty audience. It's a bit chaotic right now, but Charlie seems to have had everything set already, so he actually pulls a second stool up to his drum kit for me to sit next to him while the rest of the orchestra gets set up.

"Come on," Charlie starts as he sits to my right, "put your foot on there," he points to a pedal on my side of the drums, and as soon as I step down a ringing sounds out from the two metal cones that just crashed into each other - luckily it's a bit muffled since I didn't actually press the pedal down that hard.

"Oh," I startle slightly, " I didn't know that was gonna happen," I chuckle, and Charlie does too as he also picks up his drumsticks. 

"Here, take it," he starts, " and that one," handing them both to me.

"Okay," I respond, clearing my throat.

      Charlie moves to gently take my hands in his, and it's remarkable how familiar this is to the first time he taught me drums in his bedroom nearly a month ago now. But it's also so different.

"And then, um," Charlie sends me a small smile before playing a quick beat across the drums. After the short but sweet moment, he lets go of my hands, silencing one of the cymbals and turns to look at me again.

"I'm glad you came." He says softly.

"It seemed like you didn't want me to," I admit, partly teasing.

"No, I did- I just - I thought you were trying not to be rude."

"No," I shake my head, chuckling slightly. "I just…I like being with you."

Charlie smiles at that, but after a second his posture drops a bit as he looks out over the crowd of other students.

"Also, we've been hanging out a lot, and - if people guessed we were together, if they started saying stuff about you then… well, I really don't want you to have to deal with that."

Oh. I guess I never thought about it like that. I'm still not sure if I'm ready to be…Out with Charlie, but I just… I want him to know that he's more important to me than all these people. Who we are doesn't have to be defined by them. Speaking of which…

"I, um…I've been researching about… being bisexual. Uh, I think that might be me, but I- I'm not sure." I look back up into Charlie's eyes and he's not even trying to hold back his smile now. He doesn't say anything, but I can just feel the excitement hidden below the surface of his glance. The way he's so happy for me to have started this journey for myself is contagious. Our stare is broken too soon when the conductor calls out to everyone again.

"Has anyone seen Tara and Darcy? I'm about to open the doors to the audience." Charlie and I both look around across the room - I swore they were sat down a second ago. The conductor is getting more anxious by the second as she talks hurriedly to one of the students signed up to give out programs at the door. 

"We can go look for them miss," I speak up from the back of the group. 

"Yes, sure, just be back quickly please," she says without even really looking to see who offered to find the missing girls. Charlie stands up beside me and we make eye contact with Tao and Elle as we all jog out the back door to the music hallway.

"Where did they go?" Elle asks as we all convene.

"There's no other exit they could have taken from here," Tao chimes in, "But there are like a hundred rooms down this hallway."

"We don't have much time," Charlie says as he starts jogging down the corridor shouting for Tara and Darcy. I suppose he's right. I start jogging right behind him as Elle takes off too and I just barely hear Tao mumble, "Oh, no," before we're all off. A few of us split to actually open the doors on either side of the hallway, but mostly our pack is just loudly running trying to see if Tara and Darcy are close enough to hear us and call back. Running and shouting down a hallway - it really is wild how much nostalgia is hitting me today.  

     We're almost to the very end of the hall when I hear banging, and, "We're in here!" Tara's voice. "In here!" I manage to get to the door first, bursting through as Elle, Tao, and Charlie nearly run into me as they file into the practice room behind me.

"Hey," I greet Tara and Darcy, winded. "You guys are supposed to be on stage like right now," and even with all the adrenaline, we're all grinning as everyone files out again to race back to the concert.

     Tara and Darcy break ahead, catching each other's hands as they run. Me and Charlie are the next behind them, and in the sweeping moment I reach for his hand too, and he takes it without hesitation. Elle is just a yard behind us, and I hear her call out to Tao who's falling behind again, "Hurry up!"

"You know I can't run, It's not my fault."

Me and Charlie smile to each other one more time before we speed up, nearly sprinting back before everything starts.

     The gym is filled with chatter when we all get back into the room, where the audience is already waiting. I let Charlie go back to his drum set, and follow Tara to her seat. Darcy already has her clarinet set up, and I hold Tara's case up to her so she can assemble her instrument without extra hassle.

"Thanks,  boy I kissed one time."

"No problem, girl I kissed one time," I smile, "You going to be okay?"

"Yeah, I'll be okay. You?"

"Yeah," and it means so much that in this moment I think we both mean it.

     I set down her case and move back to where Elle and Tao had saved seats earlier. As I sit down, I find Charlie's eyes again and he smiles at me as their tuning winds down. The whole audience claps as the conductor steps up to start the show, and…

I think I may have another new favorite day .

Chapter Text

Movie Night

     It’s been a little over a week since the concert, and Charlie agreed to come along with me on Sunday to the movies with some of the Rugby Lads. Christian, Sai, Otis, Keiran, and three other guys I don't know quite as well are all coming, but I made sure that no one had invited Ben or Harry when I asked Charlie about it, so I think it’s going to actually be fun. We’re seeing some new horror film with Sandra Oh in it with a weekend student sale that’s going on right now, so we’re meeting at the Odeon cinema at The Chimes around 19:00. My mum just dropped me off, but I haven’t gone inside yet. I’m waiting for Charlie since he just texted a minute ago that his dad was pulling into the parking lot. I’m standing by the back entrance when I see Charlie step out of a car, and he catches my eyes as I start walking towards him.

“Hi.”

“Hi,” he responds, smiling, and as I step up to him I reach out and we hug. I know we’re in the middle of a parking lot and I saw him yesterday, but I missed him. I hold Charlie just a second longer than would probably be expected of two totally platonic rugby bros, and I can't find it in myself to care that much, especially in a sparsely populated parking garage.

     We make it inside, and it's a bit of a trek from here to the cinema. Still, I can't help but smile thinking about how much more I'm looking forward to this evening with Charlie- whether or not we can technically consider it a date - than I was the theoretical cinema trip I was set to go on with Imogen last weekend. When we step onto the main escalator down to the ground floor, Charlie turns to me and says, "Um, are you sure your friends are going to be okay with me being here?"

"Yeah, of course. You'll be fine; Ben and Harry aren't coming." His face drops slightly at the mention of them, but I hope he knows that we should be safe tonight.

"What, are you nervous?"

"I don't know… They all probably think I'm this, like, gay nerd."

"Well," I consider, "you kind of are a gay nerd." That gets a slightly-offended chuckle out of him.

"Shut up, Rugby Lad." He retorts, and… alright - that's fair. And we're both still smiling.

     As we approach Odeon me and Charlie are caught up in a conversation about people talking in texting acronyms, but as I glance away from him toward the ticket counter my stomach drops. Both Harry and Ben are at the center of the group waiting for us, and I see the moment Harry spots us, and hope against hope that Charlie doesn't catch the comment I do.

"Aight, look  - Nick and his best mate . Oi, why did he even bring him?"

"Oh," I mumble, looking to Charlie, who immediately looks unsettled and keeps himself a half step behind me.

"Oi, look - he's hiding behind him; like a little girl."

Shit . This wasn't how it was supposed to go.

I hear Charlie take a deep breath behind me before stepping forward again.

"Charlie…"

"I'm not gonna let someone like him intimidate me."

God, he's amazing.

     When we make it up to the group I decide I should probably introduce Charlie to everyone since I'm not sure he's on a first-name basis with all the guys on the team.

"Hey guys, you all know Charlie, right?" I ask, squeezing Charlie's shoulder lightly.

"Hi," he waves meekly at the group.

Before Harry, or god forbid Ben, can say anything else Sai and Christian step in front of everyone.

"Hi Charlie!" Christian says quickly, with a smile on his face that only seems slightly forced.

"Hey Charlie, you all right mate?" Sai asks, and I suddenly realise the reason they both seem a little on edge is that they're actively blocking Harry from us and trying to be subtle. It's honestly a really nice gesture, and it shocks me a bit. Though…it still pisses me off when I hear Harry mumble something and giggle before turning to lead the group to buy tickets. I just have to focus on the positives of tonight. Charlie's here with me and some of the guys are actually trying to be welcoming. 

     Charlie continues idly chatting with Christian and Sai our whole way through line and I'm tuning in and out until we get to the register.

"Same movie for you?" the lady behind the counter asks, looking a bit tired, but still amused by the large group of teens invading the theatre.

"Yeah, I'm buying tickets for me and my friend right there," I say, pulling some cash out of my wallet as I nod to Charlie.

That seems to snap him out of whatever conversation he was having with the lads and he steps up beside me with a disapproving look on his face.

"Nick, you don't have to-"

"Nope." I cut him off. "I invited you, so I'm buying your ticket." I hand the attendant the price of two tickets and she has me select seats on a color-coded seat map on a tablet mounted beside the register, and I do some quick math in my head to get us the last two seats for our group in the main row the lads have claimed.

"Alright, but if we get snacks I'm paying for those," Charlie adds.

"-mmm, we'll see," I say, sending him a grin that he returns by rolling his eyes as we step away to let Otis, Christian, and Sai get their seats.

     Everyone gathers again by the hallway to our assigned theatre until we're done getting tickets, and pretty soon we get on our way. As me and Charlie approach Harry and Ben again I can tell a tension is building up in Charlie's shoulders, and honestly I feel it too, but I try to stay optimistic as we walk.

……….

"Is he your mate then?"

"Who, Charlie?" Ben's voice rings out from behind us just a few moments later. "I've never even spoken to him." At that my hope starts to melt away a bit. I might chuck that git in a bin before we get to sit down.

"Why can't any of you ever bring a girl with you?" Harry buts in, and I need to get us out of this crowd.

"Let's get popcorn," I say, guiding Charlie a few steps off the path of the rest of the boys to the snacks stand in the corner.

"Do you prefer sweet or salted? Or we could get a mix of both." I know it's a vain attempt at levity, but I hope it helps. I also make sure to stand so I'm blocking Charlie from the rest of the group who've continued down the hall.

" 'M not really hungry to be honest. You get some though."

I take a second to find my words, looking down and gently holding his elbow.

"Char…are you okay? I honestly had no idea they'd be here. I-I wouldn't have suggested we come if I'd known." Which is the absolute truth. Whoever invited Harry and Ben last minute did it without telling me. But… Charlie does seem lighter now.

"Char?" he asks, a slightly mischievous grin creeping onto his face.

Oh my god.

"Uh…wow," I pull my hand back, rubbing the back of my neck. "That just slipped out." I can't tell if I should feel embarrassed or elated.

"Oh my god, say it again!" he giggles.

"No."

"Go on!"

"No," I laugh quietly.

Charlie lowers his voice slightly and leans toward me, "I like it. It's cute," emphasizing cute before moving back.

"Well now I'm never calling you it again," I smile softly, and we both know it's a lie.

………

     We don't end up getting popcorn, but me and Charlie do make our way to our seats, and we're fairly separated from Harry - my plan thankfully working out. This might actually turn out okay . About halfway through the runtime, I'm starting to think it may have been a bad idea to agree to see a horror film, though, because I am scared stiff trying not to squeal when anything lunges out from behind a corner. The next scare catches me by surprise, and I jump in my seat, my hand flying to the armrest to have something to hold onto. I feel warmth on my palm, and Charlie's hand is under mine. We both look over into each other's eyes for a moment, the tension shifting away from the movie and into our familiar little bubble. But… I'm not sure if this is okay yet - in public with him and I try to gauge his reaction without saying anything.

"Sorry," Charlie mutters, retracting his hand back into his lap.

     I instantly miss the warmth and comfort of it. Why can't we just be normal bloody teenagers in a movie theater? What stings all the more is that if Charlie was a girl the lads would be egging me on, but instead they question Charlie even being here. I spare a glance to my right to see if anyone is paying attention, and all the other boys have their attention entirely locked on the movie. I take a risk. I slip my hand over the armrest between me and Charlie and carefully slip my pinky around his, holding us together. He turns to me, and a small smile traces his lips as he leans over and whispers, "You're a dork," but there's nothing but affection in his voice. I take it in for a moment before we both shift to interlock our fingers, and I'm fully holding his hand. I take one last look around, and besides Harry who's whispering something to Christian while still keeping his eyes on the screen - so unrelated to anyone else around - there's still no one looking at us, let alone judging anything we're doing. I feel calmer for a moment before another jumpscare nearly knocks me out of my seat, but at least I have Charlie to hold onto now, and the prat doesn't even seem phased.

Chapter Text

Confrontation

     Here's the thing - it's a good movie, and I enjoyed it, but I am absolutely never seeing a horror film for the first time on that big a screen again.  Charlie's laughing at me as we all leave the theatre, and he's lucky I like him.

"I can't believe what a wimp you are."

"Uh, you jumped at all the scares too," I correct.

"No, I jumped when you screamed, that's all."

"Ugh-" I'm wounded .

     All of a sudden Harry barrels between us and slings an arm around Charlie's shoulder, forcing me to step away from where we were walking together.

God, no…

"So, Charlie Spring, quick question - what's it like being gay?"

What?

"It's fine."

"You don't seem that gay to be honest. You do sound sorta gay, but that's it," Harry chuckles.

I feel a weight drop in my chest.

"Do you like musicals?"

I tug back on Harry's shoulder to pull him away from Charlie.

"Harry, can you just piss off, please?" I can see Charlie starting to turn in on himself, and I hate seeing him like this, but he's right not to trust the situation.

"What sort of guys do you like, then?" Harry asks as if that is at all a more appropriate question.

"I don't know." Charlie responds tersely.

"What about Harry Styles, he's pretty sexy," some of the lads chuckle, and if they're so invested maybe they should be the ones asking themselves who finds the guy fit.

"I guess."

"Just leave it," I insist.

"What about Nick?" Harry asks, glancing at me. "Do you think he's hot?"

Fuck . We all stop then, and Charlie turns to fully face Harry while I'm rooted to the spot. Thus all escalated too quickly.

"Are you joking?" Charlie starts, and his voice is darker now, "Nick's not even my type."

I can't help the fact that it stings, even if I know Charlie is just covering for us.

"You definitely have a crush on him," Harry laughs.

"No."

"You do," Harry coos, stepping forward to roughhouse Charlie a bit.

I intercept him, pushing him back toward the rest of the guys. I'm not letting him put his hands on Charlie again.

"Just stop."

"Wow, take a joke mate." He's so aloof.

     Charlie is walking fast back down the corridor towards the exit, and as much as I want to tell Harry off, making sure Charlie is okay is more important. I turn, not saying another word - trying to block out the chuckling I hear behind me.

     I'm a little out of breath when I catch back up to Charlie in the parking lot.

"My dad's here. I have to go," is all he says before turning to walk away again.

"Charlie, hey, wait," I touch his shoulder, turning him back to look at me as gently as I can.

We both pause, staring at each other for a few seconds.

"I'm so sorry."

"It's fine," a bittersweet smile passes over Charlie's face.

"No." I shake my head. It's not fine .

"Harry was being a complete idiot and some of the others were being… really unfriendly, and… we should have just left."

"Nick, I'm honestly used to it by now. I'll see you at school." I let him walk away. 

     I don't have the words for any of it. He shouldn't have to be resigned to snide comments and bullying remarks just living his life, going to the movies, going to school. My hopelessness slowly turns into frustration which turns into anger that begins to make my face flush as my blood runs hot. I'm angry at myself for not doing more, not saying more, but more than anything in this moment, I'm furious with Harry. He's a spoiled little brat who feels like he can pick on people just to make himself feel less insecure, less alone. I storm back into the mall and make my way down to the cinema where I left everyone, nearly running down the escalator steps. I make it back to where they're all crowded around Harry still laughing it up as if nothing happened. I grab Harry's arm and turn him roughly around to face me.

"Go on then, what's your problem with Charlie?" I'm in Harry's space, and when he responds he looks down his nose at me.

"He doesn't exactly fit in with us, does he?" They all fucking laugh.

"He can't play rugby, he's got this weird friend who won't leave me alone-" Because you bloody pick on him constantly.

"You can't just bring some gay boy into our group and expect us all to immediately love him."

"So this is a problem with him being gay?" 

"Come on, none of us are being homophobic."

"Oh, just shut up Harry!" I shout, and I don't care if I'm making a scene.

"You made him so uncomfortable with all your gay questions."

"Someone really needs to learn to take a joke," he says, eyeing me over.

"No, but you weren't joking though, were you?" I'm done putting up with him. "You just saw the perfect opportunity to make someone feel miserable and humiliated, as usual."

"I'm sure he can deal with it. He's probably used to it by now." 

     And that breaks me. It's just what Charlie said. Harry of all people is acutely aware of just how normal it is to make Charlie feel lesser than because of who he is. I hate it. I hate him. I hate how everyone in this group lets this slide. I hate that I let it slide for so long.

Chuckling, Harry steps forward and shoves me back. "Aw, you're getting so angry."

He shoves me again. "You can't help wanting to protect him, can you?" This time he doesn't push me, he just steps up to me and hovers close - trying to get a rise out of me, and it's working.

"Because he's a pathetic. Little. F- "

     I don't even hear him say it. Blood rushes in my ears and I don't make the conscious decision to move, but before I know it my hand is clenched into a fist and I clock Harry straight across the jaw with a satisfying thud. He stumbles slightly but quickly regains his footing, rolling his shoulders and pushing my back into the wall. He looks livid now, and I go into fight or flight. I can’t get cornered here, so I manage to turn Harry so I'm pinning him, but his arms are longer, and he's pulling them out of my grasp to hit me again, so I duck and ram my shoulder into his midsection, keeping us where we are, but his knee comes up, and I catch it in my stomach. I can feel the rest of the boys trying to pull us apart as they realise how quickly this has shifted. The air is knocked out of me, but I manage to slam Harry back again and stamp on his foot, hearing him groan before one of the bigger guys manages to pull my back, but not before Harry gets one last shot in at me - an elbow to the right side of my nose and I swallow the pain as we're both dragged away struggling. Half the guys pull me in one direction while the rest usher Harry in the opposite, and I'm brought back outside through one of the rear exits of the cinema so we don't pass anyone else. The whole thing passes in a blur, and it takes several minutes of cold air on my face and the boys trying to calm me down for my mind to clear. Otis forces me to call my mum and I explain just enough for her voice to get rushed and take on that motherly tone of passive reprimand before she says she'll be here soon with Nellie. Once I'm off the call the guys outside with me feel comfortable leaving me alone and they head off to get their own rides home. As I come down from the adrenaline high exhaustion washes over me. Not just physically, but emotionally. I couldn't stand hearing Harry talk about Charlie like that. I can't imagine how Charlie felt, but I know that even though Harry wasn't directly addressing me it sure as hell felt like he was questioning my entire identity - my choice to be friends with Charlie, my place in the rugby team, my own queerness even though he didn't know it. I'm so upset that Charlie feels like this is just the way it has to be. I'm terrified that he's right. I'm scared because I still don't want this to tip off Harry or anyone else like him at school that I like boys. I'm guilty that I'm not ready. I feel guilty that I'm making Charlie wait, that I'm lying to my mom, that even though I didn't know who I was, I didn't stand up to the bullying last year when it started. I just…

It's all a mess, and I have no clue what to do.

………

     I see Mum's car pull up about 15 minutes later, and by then I'm nursing a nosebleed I hadn't initially realised I had and my right eye and my ribs are aching. Nothing's broken, but I'll probably bruise by tomorrow. When I open the passenger's side door to sit down Mum's face shifts from looking like she's about to reprimand me to concern for my well-being. She hands me a handkerchief and brushes my hair out of my eyes to assess the damage without saying anything. I wince as she touches my right eyelid, and she frowns slightly but turns back to start the car. Once I'm buckled up Nellie moves from the backseat, climbing over the center console and clumsily making it into my lap and then worming down to the space at my feet so she can rest her head on my legs. I'd laugh if everything tonight hadn't turned so sour.

About seven minutes into the drive back home I'm still dabbing at my nose, but the bleeding has mostly stopped.

"So, are you going to tell me what happened?" Mum asks - breaking the silence.

"There's not really anything to tell," I say quietly.

"Oh Nicky, come on baby," She responds tersely. She's not going to let this drop until I explain why I'm bloody and bruised after what was supposed to be a perfectly ordinary night at the cinema.

I sigh, running my thumb along Nellie’s head before I answer.

“Harry was saying some really nasty stuff about Charlie. He’s been really gross and mean about him for I ages, and I just-” it’s hard to keep my voice from shaking. “I lost it.”

When mum doesn’t say anything I just keep going.

“I’m just so angry at myself for not seeing that all my friends…suck.”

“Sweetheart, you know that fighting’s not the answer.”

I do. I know she taught me better, but…

“I know. He just used a really bad word.” I look over at her heavily, and I hope she understands. Given the slight shock and worry that laces her eyes, I think she does.

“I see…” she takes a breath. “Charlie’s a really special friend, isn’t he.” And just like that I know she sees me. 

“Yeah,” I manage to say after a moment. “He is.” It’s simple. Mum looks at me with a hurt in her eyes, but not for herself - for me. For everything I didn’t say but she knows I felt tonight. I still don’t think this counts… as coming out to her. I’m not sure I’d want tonight to be that memory, and she lets it drop.  It may be silly, but she tucks me into my covers when I get into bed later that night, and plants a kiss on my forehead.

“I love you, baby.”

It’s enough.

I fall asleep with tears in my eyes and Nellie in my arms.

Chapter Text

Don’t go

     Word travels fast, and by the time I wake up on Monday Imogen’s texted me.

     “Hey Nicholas, are you doing alright? I heard you might have gotten in a fight with Harry, and I just wanted to make sure you’re okay”

     “Yeah, I’m mostly fine, a bit battered but nothing serious”

     "?How’d you find out about it"

     “Otis texted naomi who texted me”

     “Right, of course”

     “So what happened?”

     ",Well"

     "Me and Charlie and some of the rugby boys went to the cinema yesterday and Harry was pulling his usual bs, but once Charlie left it got really bad and I punched him"

     "Harry, not Charlie lol"

     “Oh my god, were you two okay? I mean - with what Harry said”

     “I assume it wasn’t very complimentary”

I honestly don’t know what to tell her.

     "...Imogen, it was"

     ".It was really bad"

     "I don’t know if I’ve ever been as angry as I got last night"

     “Nick…”

     “I’m so sorry Harry was like that - I honestly don’t know why I put up with him”

     “If you need anything at all please let me know 💗”

God, I missed her. I’m so glad we got past whatever it was that had built up between us. Maybe it was Harry. It feels cathartic right now to blame him for all of my problems.

     I exit out of my chat with Imogen to check if I have any other messages, but nothing shows up in my notifications. Charlie hasn’t reached out since last night. Maybe he doesn’t know yet. I want more than anything to spend the day alone with him, away from everything dramatic in our lives, but I can’t miss school. And at least I know he’ll be in form. I roll out of bed, checking the time - it’s only 6:30. Despite how early it is, I doubt I’ll be able to get back to sleep, and if I get to school early I can avoid seeing Harry at all this morning, which sounds perfect. I pull together my uniform and get ready with Nellie at my heels as I try to move through the house quietly, so I don’t accidentally wake up my mum before her alarm goes off. I brew some tea and sip at my mug of earl grey as I pack my bag. Around 7:00 mum shuffles out of her room in her nightgown.

“Nicky,” she rubs the sleep out of her eyes, “you’re up early.”

“Yeah, I was thinking I could take the early bus to school if that’s alright.

“Well, I’m not ready to take you yet, and you seem all set to go,” she smiles. “Of course. You can take the bus, just be sure to keep an eye on the stops.”

“Thanks, mum.”

“You’re welcome, sweetie. If you need a pickup today just call me, okay?”

It’s a normal enough offer, but I can tell she wants me to know she’ll rescue me if I need it.

“I will, I love you, mum.”

“Love you too, have a good day,” she waves as I make my way out the door to the closest bus stop. This, unfortunately, isn’t the bus Charlie takes - he’s usually on the 7:45 route with Tori, but it won’t be long until I see him. 

     When I step off onto campus there’s still a morning chill in the air, and I don’t see a lot of students around, but the main gate is open for any clubs and faculty to get into the building. I realise I don’t have a plan to spend the time before the first bell rings at 8:00. I find my way into the main building, and the door to our form room is open. I knock and peek my head in, but no one’s here - not even Mr. Lange, and I’m not sure if I feel relieved or not, spending more time alone, but I move on autopilot to my seat and pull out my planner and pencil case. I practice my signature and draw some little doodles on the inside cover with my blue fountain pen until I lose track of time and soon enough I hear the bell sound. I re-organise my space as students start to trickle in, with Mr. Lange just behind the first group, and I stare off into space trying to figure out what to say to Charlie when he gets here. 

A few minutes pass, and the chattering in the room hides Charlie’s approach, but I see him in my periphery as he sits down, and he looks harried.

“Hi,” I say.

Charlie doesn’t respond, instead turning to me and pointing at my eye.

“What happened?”

“Oh, um…Yeah. I kind of got into a fight,” I start, and Charlie only looks more distressed. I look down at the table trying not to let my emotions from last night creep in again.

“-with Harry. After you left and I went back to the group he… he started saying some… things , about you. I just lost it. And punched him, and…yeah.”

“Nick,” Charlie says in an almost pleading tone, and I look back up at him. “You didn’t have to do that. I promise , I’m used to people saying stuff about me.”

No, absolutely not.

“No, but you shouldn’t have to be. People shouldn’t be saying stuff about you in the first place. You shouldn’t have to put up with anything like that.” My voice grows steadily louder as I continue, and it’s not even that I’m angry anymore, I just…

Charlie should never feel like he has to make himself smaller for anyone else.

“I’m sorry,” Charlie whispers. I’m not upset at him, I’m upset for him.

“No. You’re not allowed to say the s-word.” I shake my head and huff humorlessly, falling back into my own mind.

“I don’t even want to be friends with those people anymore.” 

“I don’t expect you to dump your friends for me.”

But it’s not like that. This isn’t dumping my friends for my boyfr-

For Charlie. This is me realising I shouldn’t have been friends with them in the first place. They never really knew me.

“Some of the rugby boys are nice,” Charlie offers.

“Even they just…stood there. I’m tired…of all of them.” There’s not much else I can say and so I fall onto Charlie’s shoulder and curl into him, holding back tears. I don't move, and neither does Charlie until Mr. Lange starts pacing the room, checking on everyone's work after announcements - and even then I keep my shoulder pressed against his for the rest of form. I can't force myself to focus on my assignments for my other courses very long, so I spend a lot of the period wishing I could just cuddle up with Charlie on his couch and fall asleep to the ambient sounds of a movie or Olly playing in the other room. Maybe after sports day we'll have time to relax.

I make it through the day - barely, and luckily there's no rugby practice today since Coach Singh had a conference this last weekend and won't be back till Wednesday. 

………

     I'm laying in bed, about to roll to turn my light off when my phone pings with a notification. Charlie's Instagram handle illuminates my lock screen and I immediately open the message.

"can we meet for lunch tomorrow?"

"Yeah of course!! You okay?"

I'm glad he wants to spend some time together tomorrow, but I want to make sure he's holding up until then. 

He never responds.

………

     On Tuesday mum takes me to school, but I make sure to have her drop me off in the rear lot so that I can go straight to the main building rather than passing Harry's group on my way in. Charlie and I plan to meet at lunch in the canteen today rather than Mr. Ajayi's room or outside so that we can get food quicker - he's got to meet up with his friends at their usual spot after we hang out for a bit.

When lunch does roll around I manage to find Charlie in the canteen fairly quickly, but he doesn't have food yet.

"Hey," I greet him as I approach, and he looks up from his phone, slightly startled.

"You okay?" I ask, sitting across from him.

"Um," Charlie starts, seemingly searching for words, "So, I was thinking - about me and you."

Normally that would be nice, but his nervous tone makes me worry.

"Okay."

"And I just think - I mean, the fight with Harry was my fault-"

I cut him off there - "It wasn't though."

"It was," he insists, "it was my fault, becoming friends with you, and, y'know, everything that's happened…"

That's not…I- what is this?

"I've been making your life really difficult."

That's not true.

"So I was thinking, maybe it would be better if we… if we just…um-"

I'm almost relieved he doesn't get to finish his thought as a younger student bursts into the canteen and shouts;

"Come on! Apparently Harry Greene's fighting some year 10 at the picnic tables."

Me and Charlie both turn to look at each other, and…

Shit - Tao.

I see him come to the same conclusion and we both stand to run out following the forming crowd.

     We sprint out of the building and around the corner toward the east side of the school where I clock a huge circle of guys cheering on a fight. I make it to the edge just in time to see Harry, with Tao pinned under him on the ground, draw back his fist, and I break through the circle to catch Harry by his arms, managing to pull him up and away from Tao from behind. The break in people I left behind gives Charlie the chance to grab Tao and get him out, but I don't have time to track them down before Harry's struggled out of my grip and turned back to me, shoving me back, hard, more than once toward the edge of the circle, and I'm trying to stay calm, but his face is blotchy and red, and I'm not sure he'll hold back-

     A teacher comes up behind me, getting in between me and Harry and shouting, "Break it up!" as he drags Harry away and back toward the school. My breathing is heavy, and I can't find Charlie, but at least the fight's over, and Tao didn't look hurt before. The crowd boos for a moment longer but begins to disperse, disappointed, and I'm trying to slow my heart rate, taking deep breaths and searching the crowd for Charlie or Tao. I don't see either of them. I stay on the field a bit longer, trying to spot a familiar face in the chaos, but soon everyone is returning inside and I still can't find anyone I know. I groan, running a hand through my hair and taking out my phone. I can't finish the rest of my classes today. The momentary adrenaline high I felt is quickly dissipating and I'm only left with the dread of me and Charlie's conversation in the lunchroom and the exhaustion from being in the middle of two fights within the last few days. The idea of sitting through two more hours of lectures sounds torturous and I don't know if I can take much more of being here today with…everything.

     I call my mum and she immediately answers, agreeing to come pick me up without question. I head back inside for just a minute to pick up my stuff from my locker before heading out to the front and waiting by the regular drop-off area. I'm alone again now that lunch has resumed and I try unsuccessfully to ignore what Charlie said before the fight sounding suspiciously like…

No, we can't be… breaking up ? I can't assume that, not yet, even if it feels like my heart is breaking.

     I explain to my mum that Harry got in another fight - with someone other than me this time - during lunch, and I just couldn't stay the rest of the day. She's so understanding, and as soon as we get back home she has to head back to work, but she makes sure that I have a plan to cook lunch and lets me crash in the living room. I turn on Mama Mia on the TV and grab some microwave mac n' cheese - wrapping up in a blanket as I settle in for a much-needed comfort viewing of my favorite comedy musical drama. I just hope it’ll all turn out okay.

Chapter Text

Reaching out

     The rest of the week creeps by all too slowly. I don’t see Charlie much at all except in form, and even then he’s distant. He doesn’t come to rugby practice Wednesday or Friday and he doesn’t message me outside of school either. I can’t quite bring myself to text him first. I think mum can tell something's up, but she doesn't press after the cinema, just makes sure to check in on me and keep me on top of school and rugby. By the time next Monday rolls around I can tell Charlie's actively avoiding me. I don't think we've ever gone this long without talking since we met. I almost hope that it's because of what he said at lunch last week and not because he actually doesn't want to see me, as awful as him blaming himself for my fight with Harry is. Almost. Maybe then there might be something I could do.

     I decide to get to school early to get out of my own head and maybe parse out how exactly I want to deal with this whole situation. When I arrive it's pretty empty - like it was when I took the early bus before, but this time I feel like I need to do something. I've been sitting around sulking for too long. I figure I can always hang out on the rugby field, so I make my way in that direction. I walk to the far edge of the pitch and drop my things before stretching out a bit and warming up with some lunges and jumping jacks. The cold works itself out of my muscles, and once I feel more awake and less like I might pull something if I step wrong on the damp grass, I go to check on the equipment shed to see if I might be able to snag a rugby ball for a few minutes. As I approach I realise the door is already open and peaking in I see Coach Singh organizing some of the old baskets stacked in a corner with what seems to be old badminton gear.

“Oh, Coach, I didn’t realise you’d be in here,” I say, rubbing my left palm with my right thumb. It feels weird breaking the silence of the quiet morning.

“Nick,” she turns after hearing my voice, “I could say the same thing. I didn’t think you were usually here this early in the mornings,” she questions, putting her hands on her hips.

“Yeah, I’m usually not, I just…wanted to run around a bit before class started. Could I borrow a ball for a few minutes?”

She seems to assess me for a moment before grabbing a rugby ball and tossing it between her hands. “Yeah, let’s go,” she says, moving out of the shed past me and onto the field where my stuff is set in the grass.

“Okay.” I follow just a tad hesitantly. I don’t know what she has planned for me.

--Rugby practices have been going alright all things considered. Harry actually got suspended after the fight with Tao, so I haven't had to deal with him stirring up drama, which is an immeasurable relief. The rest of the team has really pulled together, and since our main season games are done at this point we're just practicing for the sports day rugby match on Friday, so everyone's much more relaxed and able to keep their minds on the field--

As we make our way out to the center of the field Coach Singh tosses the ball to me from a few yards away.

"So, how have you been doing, Nick?"

I catch the ball and roll it over in my hands a few times, trying to figure out how to respond.

"I've - I've been alright." I toss the ball back.

"You've really been pulling the team together after last week's incident. I'm proud of you." She tosses back to me.

"I- thanks coach."

"I heard Harry had a fight with you before his one at school." She shifts quickly, and I'm a little caught off-guard.

"Oh, um…yeah. We got into a fight the weekend before last. I shouldn't have dropped to his level I just-"

"It's alright Nick, I know you know how to handle yourself." She pauses for a second, holding the ball, which we've functionally been passing as a talking stick.

"I noticed Charlie didn't come to practices last week."

"...yeah…"

"Do you know why he hasn't been here?"

"Um, sort of. Harry's… that whole thing really upset him I think."

"Well, Harry's suspended now. Do you think Charlie would feel comfortable coming back to the team?"

"Maybe, but… I don't know, he hasn't talked to me about it."

"Nick," Coach Singh sticks me with a stare. "You may not be a captain on this team yet, but you are a leader, and you're Charlie's friend. Sometimes we just need a little push to come out of our shells."

She tosses the ball back to me again and waits.

"But, how am I supposed to… I don't know how I'm supposed to start that conversation."

Coach Singh responds before I can toss her the ball back.

"Ask him if he has time where you can talk one-on-one. I know Charlie never really got entirely comfortable around all the other lads, but you two seem to have a really strong bond."

I don't know what to say to that. It's good advice, but it's strange how easily she sees through me - what was really making me anxious. I suppose she has been coaching me for three years at this point.

Singh moves past me towards the building where she has her office and calls back.

"Just make sure to pick up when you're done," leaving me alone with my thoughts again. I run some solo drills while I roll some thoughts around in my head. 

     I've missed Charlie so much in the past few days. I miss laughing with him in form and telling him all the year 11 gossip after Rugby and hearing his stories and jokes with his friends, and I miss holding his hand. I know logically it hasn't been that long, but he's become a constant in my life that I didn't realise I needed.

I'll talk to him at lunch. Maybe we can hang out in Mr. Ajayi's room and I can figure out how to fix this, or at least make sure Charlie knows none of the nonsense with Harry was his fault. It's a place to start.

………

     We don’t have form this morning because of weird scheduling coming up on the end of term, but after the lunch bell rings I leave from French with a few of my acquaintances from the course, and we’re chatting idly when I see Charlie walking towards us from the opposite direction. I wave the guys on towards the canteen and I manage to catch Charle’s eyes.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” he responds, pausing awkwardly in the center of the corridor.

“Do you want to get lunch together?” I ask hopefully, taking a half step forward.

“Um,” Charlie starts looking back down at the floor, “I can’t - sorry,” and I catch the tears starting to form in his eyes as he hurries off without explanation.

     I watch him rush out of the building, my own worry building back up in my chest - it was so sudden how quickly Charlie's mask of nonchalance broke. I don't know what to do to convince him that none of this is his fault, that he's done the opposite of making my life difficult. Every time I'm with him, no matter what else is going on in my life, it's easy to be happy. I've got to find him at some point before the end of the day. If he is trying to avoid me, he might be back at his, Isaac, and Tao's usual table, where I could more easily track him down. I just have to hope he won't run away again if he sees me. My stomach rumbles slightly and I'm reminded I still have to pick up food before I go off on my mission to track down Charlie if I want to be at all coherent. 

     I stop by the canteen, picking up an orange Fanta and a sandwich before heading back out to the east field. I make my way past a few folks finding their own groups before I find line of sight on Charlie's usual picnic table. But…he's not there. It's just Tao set up there and by the time I notice, he's already caught my eye, so I can't just run away now. I try to calm my nerves as I approach, reminding myself this isn't the first time he and I have talked one on one, and… it helps a bit . I need to do this - maybe he still knows where Charlie's gone off to. When I make it to the table Tao's expression reminds me of a judge deciding a sentence and I take a breath as I set my food down, sitting across from him without a word.

As soon as I'm set on the bench Tao breaks the silence.

"Where's Charlie?"

"I thought he'd be here."

"I thought he was eating with you," Tao almost accuses.

I take a second before asking, "Charlie avoiding you too?" 

"I'm avoiding him," Tao states.

"Why?" Why would anyone want to avoid Charlie?

"Because I'm pissed off with him."

"Oh."

     I don't know what could have happened after the fight to make him and Charlie cross with each other, but I suppose I've only known Tao a few weeks, and this might be the longest conversation we've had just between us in that time.

"Charlie's my friend. I was so worried about him joining the rugby team and becoming friends with you because I knew that he would get picked on by some of the idiots in your year."

Oh . 

He keeps going.

"-And guess what? He did. I'm done trying to protect him when he's forgotten I exist, like… I deserve to be appreciated."

     He's…he's not wrong I guess. If I hadn't invited Charlie to be on the team… No . Harry's an ass and the fight would have happened sooner or later regardless. I'm just sorry that Charlie and Tao got dragged into the middle of it.

After a pause, Tao continues, but his voice is quieter.

"If he'd just told me you two were going out, like…"

I take a breath at that - I guess Tao found out somehow, but from the way he says it, it doesn't seem like Charlie was the one to tell him.

"-maybe I would have done things differently. Maybe I would have stayed more low-key and Harry would have left us alone."

I doubt that would have fixed it, but I do think I may have some idea as to why Charlie hasn't told Tao about us himself yet.

"I think- Charlie might be nervous about telling you because… he really cares about your opinion. Because he loves you, a lot."

     And I'm not just saying that. Charlie's talked to me a lot about Tao and it's so obvious how deeply they care about each other. I doubt either one of them would be quite the same if they didn't have the other in their lives, especially with everything that Charlie went through last year, as little as I know about it.

"Yeah," Tao responds, less angry now and more solemn.

"Well, I'll believe that when I actually see it."

     I look back down towards the ground, not knowing what to say, but before I can get up the courage to start eating my lunch - to at least have something to do with my hands - Tao chimes in again.

"Why is he avoiding you?" his tone is genuinely curious this time.

"I think maybe…he's finding it hard, you know, having to lie to people about us. He's not angry about me being in the closet or anything, like, he knows I'm not ready to come out, but-"

I really don't know what else to say.

Tao leans in, and I meet his eyes.

"Look. I've known Charlie since we were 11, and he's always had a tendency to believe that him just existing is annoying for other people."

"Yeah, I- I sort of got that impression."

"He's not going to force you to come out - which is good. And, he'd literally never tell you this, but he probably wants to be something more than "secret guy you kiss sometimes on the down low". And if you can't give him more than that then… I mean, that's fine, but it's always going to make him feel a little bit crap about himself."

"Oh."

Does he really think that's all he is? I know his anxiety surrounding dating runs pretty deep after Ben, but I hope he knows I care more about him than that.

"You should talk to him," Tao says, and he sounds like he's actually trying to help me and Charlie sort things out - I'm grateful.

"Yeah, so should you."

"No. I'm gonna stay pissed off with him for a bit longer." Tao schools his expression, but I can tell he's not quite as upset now, and even if he does plan to avoid Charlie for the day I'm sure they'll work things out soon.

I smile slightly, "You should try rugby. It's good for releasing negative emotions."

The look Tao gives me as he raises his eyebrows is one I can only describe as incredulous exasperation. So rugby's off the table then.  

     We fall into silence, but it's not as forced this time as I take a sip of my soda and start on lunch. We don't say anything apart from goodbyes after that, but Tao lets me stay and eat with him, so I'm going to take it as a win.

………

     I'm laying in bed on my phone when I finally decide to send the text I've been writing and rewriting in my head all day.

"Charlie, what's going on? Please talk to me ❤ "

     It'd be a sweet moment - realising we've come so far that sending Charlie that red heart is something I do on instinct now, something that feels like it should be an amendment to everything I say to give my feelings context - if it weren't for how silent Charlie's been the past few days. How worried I am that he might be breaking up with me.

Charlie's profile comes up as typing a reply, and I feel a small spark of hope, but after a minute the bubble goes away, and a minute after that, even re-loading our chat, no message comes up.

     Everything that's happened over the past week and a half hits me at once. Charlie's been through so much…we've been through so much. More than the fear of Charlie not wanting to be with me is the fear that he does and he's pushing me away anyway. He's upset and there's nothing I've been able to do about it. I'm upset and there's nothing I can do about it. I have people; Charlie has people, but it's just all so much. I finally stood up to Harry and it ended in a fight, and he got suspended but that can't undo all the damage he's already done. I've figured out I'm bi, but my mum doesn't know, and I'm not sure-

I like Charlie, and…I think I might be ready to tell people about us. Not everyone, but… the important ones.

I'm ready to tell people about me and Charlie and he won't talk to me.

I want me and Charlie to be official, but I can't tell him because he thinks he's ruining my life.

I want Charlie to be my boyfriend, and I want to be his, and he doesn't know.

He needs to know.

Chapter Text

Sports’ Day

     I can't get Charlie alone by Thursday, but I promise myself that by the end of Sport's day I'll tell him everything. Even if it doesn't work he needs to know how I still feel about him. I can't hold it inside me any longer, and if there's even the slightest chance he might believe me and we can keep…being together I have to take it. Friday morning Truham is packed by 8 with girls from Higgs who've joined all the Truham boys in getting registered and finding places to stand or sit with their friends before events commence around 9. I arrive at school in my normal sports clothes, but without the long-sleeve over top since there's going to be a lot of physical activity today and things are starting to warm up as we get into the summer. Everyone in Higgs and Truham is split evenly between teams Red and Blue for the day, and there's an even number of each year and of girls and guys on each team. As I walk into the main gym to get assigned I spot Charlie slipping on a red bib by the second row of tables, and my heart speeds up as we make eye contact for a second. I can see the slight panic on his face, but I start walking up anyway trying to get to him in time to say something - anything - but he slips out the back doors before I have a chance. I take a breath, trying to push past the moment of uncertainty before turning to the table he was standing at and giving them my name, picking up my own red bib.

It's fine - I've still got all day left, and…I'm not sure if Charlie's going to actually play in the rugby match or not, but he's got to be in at least one event. I'll find him.

     By the time I get outside a bunch of people have already gathered by the picnic tables, so I'm standing off on the sidelines when Headmaster Barnes comes over the intercom, projecting his voice over the brightly decorated field roofed by streamers and a giant banner pronouncing the day.

"Truham students, Higgs students, welcome to the day I know you've all been waiting for: Truham-Higgs sports day!" Clapping and cheers erupt at that, and I join in, getting swept up momentarily in the magic that is amateur sports competition.

"I'm sure that every single one of you is ready to give it your all, or at least I hope so, because if you haven't signed up for an event Ms. Singh will hunt you down and murder you." I chuckle lightly - it's strange sometimes remembering how intimidating a presence she can be when you don't know her, or even sometimes when you do. She can get really intense on the pitch sometimes, but it's all for the good of the team.

"Okay, she's just informed me that she won't murder you, but she might ban you from watching the Reds versus Blues rugby match later today, an even worse fate if you ask me. So good luck one and all, and go do sports!"

--I rarely see the headmaster day-to-day, but the few times we've interacted he seems like a genuinely funny and caring guy--

Cheering rises again as the crowd begins to disperse, students finding their way to the first round of events. The big rugby match isn't until the end of the day, so I've actually got time to watch some of the other competitions before I have to go for warm-up and our pre-game pep talk I'm sure Coach Singh is planning.

     The first round of events are all running. We've got a 100, 200, and 300 meter race and there are sections for each based on year, so most people start migrating to the spray-painted track that the P.E. department marked out yesterday. 

I linger by the canteen doors for a bit longer to let things clear out a bit, and after a few minutes I hear the next announcement.

"Year 10 and 11's doing the 200 meters, it's time to assemble by the starting line."

     Charlie's an incredible runner, so I feel like if he were to participate in another event it would be either this or the 300 meters coming up after the year 9's. I can just barely see where people are gathering from here, and if Charlie is in this event he's guaranteed to win. I start to make my way over when my phone buzzes in my pocket, but it's not my normal notification ring. 

     A few notes from the modern soundtrack of Le Voyage Dans La Lune play and I stop dead. I know we try to stay in contact, but…sometimes it still shocks me when he calls. I scramble to unlock my phone as I turn on my heel back into the empty canteen.

"Bonjour papa."

"Bonjour Nicholas. Je sais que tu es à l'école, mais J'ai eu un pause pour le déjeuner, et-"

"C'est bon, Je promets. Alors, de quoi voulais-tu me parler?"

"Oh, Je juste…Je viens d'apprendre que Truham a un voyage à Paris qui approche. Je me demandais si nous pouvions nous réunir pendant cette semaine, puisque vous serez déjà en ville."

"Oh, oui, bien sûr."

     I guess he must have found out from Mum that we're having a trip to Paris after third term for year 10s and 11s. I'm glad I'll be able to spend some time with him. I hope we can make a solid plan…

"Qu'est ce que tu fais aujourd-hui?

"Nous avons un peu de compétition sportif avec Truham et Higgs."

"Ah, bien, es-tu en compétition?"

"Oui, Je joue au Rugby à la fin de la journée."

"Bon chance, Nick."

"Merci papa."

There is a slight pause before he says anything more.

"Je vais te laisser partir, Je t'aime fils."

"Je t'aime aussi papa."

"Au revoir."

"À plus tard."

     The call clicks off and I take a deep breath. The conversation might have been a bit awkward, but I should be grateful he's trying to organise something for us. I don't know if I could figure out all the details on my own if I tried to put together a time when we could see each other. I also… I need to tell Mum first, but the Paris trip may be… I don't know yet. I'd like to introduce my dad to Charlie, but I have to fix things first. Speaking of-

Shit, I probably missed his race.

It'll be fine - I'll keep an ear out on the announcements, but I think my best shot is finding him directly before or after the rugby match later this afternoon. Though, I'm not sure if the extra time to think is good or not.

………

     It turns out that sitting on a big romantic speech while surrounded by a bunch of rowdy teens is not the most conducive to a stress-free day. Who could've guessed? I managed to catch the tail end of the high jump event that Tara competed in, but other than that I mostly just lurked around the locker rooms until people came to start setting up for the rugby match. I know I  should talk to Charlie sooner rather than later, but whenever I'm about to get up and go find him I end up stopping myself because I haven't pinned down what I want to say, or maybe he doesn't want to see me right now, or maybe he's just having a fun day with his friends ignoring all the drama in our lives, and I wouldn't want to interrupt that. God, I'm so nervous . I'm finally snapped out of my spiraling when Coach Singh claps her hands, grabbing the attention of all the boys who've gathered for the Rugby match. I hadn't even realised how full the room had gotten.

"All right boys, time to put your game faces on! There's nothing to prove today, so go out there, play a good game, and have some fun, you've all earned it." Everyone claps as we separate into two lines based on color and get ready to run onto the field. Singh gets a call on her walkie-talkie cuing us, and I follow right behind her holding the ball as we come out into the crowd waiting for us.

"That's right everyone, the Red versus Blue Rugby match is about to begin," the headmaster's voice rings out overhead. I'm vaguely aware of my teammates high-fiving members of the crowd and cheers going up around us, but all I can think about is Charlie.

     Once we're past the corridor of people outside the main doors to the sports building I turn, jogging backwards a few paces to try and find him in the crowds. This is the only event happening right now, and the last, so everyone should be out on the field somewhere . 

"Now can someone explain the rules of rugby to me again, please, it seems to make no sense."

    I regroup with my team in a huddle, but no real strategy is discussed. All we really get a "One, two, three, Reds," chant before breaking to get started. I search all the faces I can see for as long as I can, but with no luck before I'm expected to start play.

"You okay Nick?" Coach Singh asks.

"Yeah, yeah, 'm fine."

I force my focus back in front of me as I kick the ball and the game truly begins.

     It doesn't take long for the ball to get passed back to me and there's no one else to pass to, so I race toward the goal, outpacing the two guys on my tail, and make the first try of the game.

I work to catch my breath, making my way back to go for a conversion.

"Nice work, Nick," Coach Singh encourages.

     I'm trying to focus on lining up my stance when I feel the breeze on my face, and I just… I have to check for him again. My gaze is drawn to the right side of the field and suddenly- there he is. It's admittedly hard to make out individual faces at this distance, but I know it's Charlie. He's standing on a bench in the middle of the crowd, towering over everyone around him so he can see. Our eyes meet as soon as I find him, and that's all that matters. I don't even realise I've stopped to stare until I hear Singh call out from next to me again.

"Come on, Nick."

     But that's just it, it doesn't matter if I win this game if I can't win Charlie back. If there's any part of him that still wants to be with me I can't lose that chance. And, even more than that - I need to do this for myself. I won't let other people dictate what I want, not anymore, and what I want more than anything is to be with Charlie, in whatever way he'll let me.  I toss the ball to Ms. Singh without a word and I turn, walking at first.

"Nick," she calls trying to get me back, but I'm not turning around again - I quickly pick up my pace, running across the field, in front of the whole school, to break through the crowd separating me from Charlie. People shift as I close the last few meters between us, and he steps down from his pedestal looking at me with slight disbelief, but his gaze is still soft.

     I take his hand gently in mine, making sure this is still okay, and he doesn't pull away. He runs his thumb lightly over my palm, and I adjust my hand, turning to lead him back towards the school so we can talk not in front of the entire student body. He follows me without hesitation, without words, but he keeps my hand in his, and I almost forgot how… right that feels. I don't let go of his hand until we're in the hall leading to some of the elective rooms, the colored glass from the entrance doors still casting a bright light over us.

I take a breath, and I don't even really have to think before I say,

"I don't want to break up. I know people have hurt you, and you feel like I'd be better off without you, but… I need you to know that- my life is way better because I met you."

"You don't have to say that," Charlie says softly.

"I do, and I'll keep on saying it until you believe me. Look, I don't care about getting into fights or pissing off my mates or anything like that. It's all worth it to be with you." And it is, but it's also so much more.

"I mean, you are the kindest, most thoughtful, and caring, and-and amazing person in the whole world-"

"Nick."

"-and if you really want to break up, then, I would respect your decision, but I want us to be together-"

"Nick," Charlie takes a step toward me.

"You're my favorite person-"

"Nick," another step.

"I need you to believe me."

"Nick," Charlie almost shouts, chuckling lightly as he takes my face in his hands. I'm slightly out of breath again having just spilled all of my rambling thoughts on Charlie, but his eyes are bright and he's smiling, and he's close to me again, holding me.

"I believe you," he insists, "I believe you."

And he kisses me.

And I kiss him back, and it's…

This might be the happiest moment of my life.

     His hands move from my face over my shoulders, and I hold him closer, my palms pressed lightly on his back, and it feels like one of those sweeping moments from a classic Hollywood romance, or a perfectly cheesy Hallmark movie. I'm certain the world has stopped to put a spotlight just on us, and we're caught up in the enchantment.

We both pull back after a moment, only slightly, and never rushed.

Charlie looks around, laughing.

"We're in the corridor!" He sounds surprised at our boldness.

"Oh," I look out through the stained-glass windows before turning back to him.

"So what?"

We're both smiling like it's the only thing in the world to do.

"You free on Sunday?" I ask.

"Yeah, why?"

I don't answer, just looking at him. My Charlie. His Nick.

     I don't finish the rugby game, and the Blue team ends up winning, which me and Charlie both cheer alongside Isaac, Elle, and Tao after we finally drag ourselves back out of the corridor, Charlie begging me to reveal what my secret plan is, but I stay strong. It'll be more fun if it's a surprise. Charlie's friends look at us knowingly as we find them again, but they don't say anything, just smile with us as we spend the rest of Sports Day together, finding Tara and Darcy soon after the Rugby match to all catch up and make our way off campus after dropping off our bibs again. I don't think I let go of Charlie's hand once until Mum has to pick me up. I can't wait for Sunday.

Chapter Text

Beach Date

     I'm still in a daze as Mum picks me up and we drive home, but I think she can tell it's not a somber one anymore.

"Nicky, love, you look well, did you win the big game?"

"Oh," I chuckle, "no actually, but… it was a really good day anyway," I can't help smiling as I glance over at her.

"I'm glad. What made it so wonderful?"

"Well… Charlie and I talked - about what happened after that movie night last week - and, um… it's all better now. I even think Tao might be coming around."

"That's lovely sweetheart. And…" she pauses for a moment, seeming to get more serious, "if you ever need to talk to someone else about what happened, I'm here. I know it was a lot in the moment and it's not always easy to talk to your mum about teen drama, but I love you, and I'm here for you." The atmosphere in the car shifts slightly during her speech, and I think we both might start getting emotional , but a familiar mischievous twinkle quickly returns to her eyes.

"I'm glad you made up with Charlie - not talking to him really made you a grouch this past week." 

     If I wasn't riding such a high from that kiss I would feel much more embarrassed by that comment. And the fact that even though I never really confirmed anything she knew exactly why I was actually sulking.

"Alright, alright, fine - you got me," I chuckle and Mum lets out the laugh she was holding in - more like an evil cackle if you ask me.

"But…" I start again, remembering the other part of my day I should probably update her on. "I did actually get a call from Dad today."

"Oh, that's good to know, what did he want to talk about?"

"Mostly just checking in, but he also wanted to see if during the Paris trip we could get together at some point."

Mum grabs my hand gently from where I was rubbing at the center of my palm, still keeping her eyes on the road.

"I think that would be good for you Honey, you haven't seen each other in a while and it'll be good to catch up in person." She glides her thumb over my knuckles as she reassures me, and I think she's right. Seeing Dad is always a mixed bag, but I love him, and I do miss him, so the Paris trip will be a  good excuse to spend time with him for a bit, and it probably wouldn't be a huge issue with the school especially if I get a letter from Mum giving me permission to break away from our itinerary for a day.

"Well, it sounds like things went pretty well today."

"They did. They really did."

………

     So, the big secret is that I'm planning that date just for us that me and Charlie promised to go on on Milkshake day. I've honestly been rolling ideas around in my head for a day like this since before we even officially brought it up, but that's besides the point. So, Charlie's never been to Herne Bay before, at least not recently enough, and I plan to fix that. We end up spending almost all of Saturday texting back and forth while I organise the last details of everything, and I get frequent updates on the movie that Tao makes Charlie and his friends watch in the evening. There's also a decent amount of not-so-subtle questioning about tomorrow, but all I tell him is the time and place to meet me and to bring appropriate running around attire. Once Charlie gets back home we don't stop texting until after 1 and eventually he dozes off, but I look back over our conversation when I wake up, a cartoonish smile spreading across my face as I get myself psyched up for the day.

     I won't tell you a thing until tomorrow, my lips are sealed 🤐

     Or later today I suppose

come onnnnn    

I'm so excited alkjsdfdsg    

Nick I like you so much    

You're my favorite person    

     You're MY favorite person!!!!!!!!!!

     Charlie??

     LOL did you fall asleep

     I'm gonna fall asleep too but I just want you to know that you're the best and I'm  gonna kiss you a lot tomorrow ❤️

I get dressed and pack my bag with two towels, extra socks, some snacks and my wallet and keys, setting it by the door before waiting on the front step with Nellie. There's a slight chill in the air this morning, but with my purple hoodie it's pretty much perfect, and I kind of can't wait for Charlie to get here. We decided to meet up at my place so we could take the bus to the train station together, which is as much as Charlie knows so far.

     Nellie perks up before I see or hear Charlie come up the road and as soon as he reaches our yard she runs to meet him, barking happily.

"Nellie!" Charlie coos, leaning down to pet her for a minute before coming up to me.

"Hey," he waves, Nellie still panting expectantly at his side.

"Hey!"

Charlie sits down next to me and his face softens as he runs a finger gently under my right eye.

"The bruising seems all better," he says encouragingly.

"Yeah, it doesn't hurt at all anymore," I shrug. "I…I regret getting into a fight, but…I don't feel very bad for Harry."

Charlie meets my eyes with a look of slightly shocked pride at my admission before he pulls me into a hug.

"You big idiot, why are you so great?"

I blush slightly, " I was so embarrassed…it was stupid, sinking to his level," dropping my head onto Charlie's shoulder.

"Well, actually- " Charlie starts and I look back up at him, "as much as I hate seeing you get hurt, Harry really deserved a proper punch in the face." He looks almost smug.

I can't hold back my laughter, "Oh my god, you are such a Slytherin!"

"And you're 100% Gryffindor!"

"How are we even dating?" 

"Because I'm so hot, I turned a straight boy?"

"That may be true but too soon!"

Charlie giggles.

I heave myself off the doorstep smiling, "Alright, we should get going before it gets too much later, we have a train to catch."

Charlie smiles and nods, getting up as well, as I fetch my bag from the entryway and get Nellie back inside.

"Sorry girl, maybe next time," I say, patting her on the head and shouting a goodbye to Mum before leading Charlie out to start our adventure.

………

" Now can you tell me where we're going?" Charlie asks once we're on our platform.

"No," I shake my head looking back teasingly, and we both chuckle.

Getting onto the train I hand off the tickets I bought us at the station and we find a bench, sitting close together as Charlie watches out the window over vast green fields.

"I don't think I've ever been in this direction," he says, getting caught up in the sights. It really is a lovely day.

      The journey passes fairly quickly and soon enough we're getting off at the Herne Bay station, my hoodie now packed back in my bag, but as soon as we step onto the platform - Charlie's hand in mine - I cover his eyes.

"Wh- Nick why?"

"It's a surprise! You're not allowed to see yet."

Charlie giggles, " Alright, I suppose, but don't let me trip on anything."

"Promise."

We make our way slowly but surely down the main road to the pier and as we get closer I start hearing the calls of seagulls down by the water. 

"We're nearly there I promise."

It just takes a few seconds for Charlie to catch on.

"Wait…seagulls?"

I pause and finally take my hand away from Charlie's eyes. His eyes go wide and his jaw drops, a wide smile plastering itself on his face.

"Oh my god, the beach!" he exclaims, turning to me.

"Yeah, surprise!" and I couldn't keep the grin off my face even if I wanted to. I don't want to.

"Oh my god!"

     Charlie pulls me forward by the hand and we start running towards the water together. We don't go immediately down to the shore. I made sure I had cash on hand when we left and we ride the Merry-go-Round enough times that we both get dizzy, we take photos in the wooden poster cutouts on the sidewalk, we make out, we stop by a food truck to share some fish and chips, and it only takes me half a dozen tried to throw a chip and catch it in my mouth. We stop by a photo booth and when we both squeeze in I pull Charlie onto my lap so we fit better before putting in the two quarters it takes to start the machine up. The lights start changing color and I figure that means it's on. Charlie laughs, and we kiss more, and I pretend to drop him out of the booth once or twice, but when the photos print out they all look really adorable.

     We finally make our way down to the beach after two hours exploring the pier and I lay our towels down on the rocks. Charlie pulls out his phone and earbuds, handing one to me after we've laid down in the sun side by side. A song I don't quite recognise plays, but it's laid back with an acoustic guitar melody. The line that sticks in my mind before I turn to Charlie goes:

🎵 It's easy love, fits like a glove, from up above, together🎵

When our eyes meet, he gives me a questioning look, seeming to know something’s on my mind.

"I was thinking…" I start, "what if I came out?"

Charlie smiles and sits up, taking his earbud out.

"Do you really want to?"

I sit up too, setting the music down.

"I really want to." I want him to know I mean this.

"I know I've been pretty unsure of everything for a while, but, like, I'm definitely bisexual. And I don't want to have to sneak around pretending we're platonic BFFs." That gets a chuckle out of Charlie.

"I'm not saying I want to have a public announcement or anything, but I want to tell the people who matter. And I want you to be able to tell people too."

Charlie's smile is giddy, and it's infectious.

"Oh my god, I like you so much…and I love liking you."

I'm not quite sure what to do with all the pent up excitement and joy in me, so I stand up, half jogging down the shore and shout it to the world.

"I like Charlie Spring, in a romantic way, not just a friend way!" throwing my arms up into the air. I breathe in the sea breeze and the waves are lapping at my shoes, but I don't really care about getting my feet wet.

Charlie jogs after me, still smiling, but I can almost see tears welling at the corners of his eyes. I step towards him, my face falling just slightly.

"Wot?" I ask softly.

"I never thought this would happen to me."

I wrap him in my arms and it feels like the kind of hug we'd never let go of given the chance.

"Me neither."

My eyes are shut, but the gleam of the sun still warms my vision while a warmth spreads through my chest from holding Charlie.

"Nick?" Charlie says after a moment.

"Yeah?"

"Does this mean we're boyfriends?"

I open my eyes, I will not stand for this .

"Uh, yes," I scoff slightly, backing up just enough to look him in the eyes, "was that not already established the last ten times we made out?"

"Oh," Charlie chuckles, shaking his head, "yeah? I don't know, we never, like, confirmed it." He's smiling wide now and we both break out laughing.

"Why are we like this?" he asks, and that's the last straw.

I wrap one arm around his back and bend down to pick up his legs with the other, holding him Bridal style.

"Wha- what are you doing?" Charlie squeals.

"-there we go, come on," I don't answer his question as I step knee deep into the surf, still carrying him.

I shout to the sky again, "You're my boyfriend! I'm your boyfriend! We're boyfriends!"

"Don't you dare drop me!"

"I'm not gonna drop you."

I precede to pretend to drop him into the water, catching him a few inches before he would actually get wet.

"Stop it!" Charlie whines, still holding back giggles.

"Okay, I think we're wet enough now." I turn back, carrying Charlie back up the shore.

"Okay," he responds.

     I only set Charlie - my boyfriend - down when we're back at our towels and I plop myself down next to him, my shorts soaked through up to my mid-thigh, but we're both still grinning as he lowers his head onto my chest and I wrap an arm around him, cuddling in the summer sun with the waves lapping on the beach, everything warm and bright and perfect. 

After a moment I feel Charlie lift his head to look at me and I open my eyes against the sun.

"So, now we're gonna…tell people?"

"Yeah."

He smiles and curls back into me and we lay there, together, on our first date, lavishing in the joy of the moment.

     We stay out longer than we probably should without reapplying sunscreen, but I think we're both too content to worry too much, and we both pack up my bag and make our way back to the train, talking about nothing, just being together. Before we arrive back at our home station we've both fallen asleep, Charlie's head resting on my shoulder and mine on his hair, but despite it being a nap on a train I feel more rested than I have in a long time. We have to say goodbye at Charlie's bus stop and it takes several minutes before we finally get ourselves to let go of each other's hands to head to our respective houses. But the happiness doesn't fade

Chapter Text

Telling People

"I'm home!" I call, as I close the front door behind me and drop my backpack into the entryway before heading to the kitchen where I figure Mum will be sitting and I can make myself some tea.

"Oh, you look very smiley, did you have a good day?"

"Yeah. Yeah, it was really good."

I told my mum about my plan to take Charlie to Herne Bay, just not the it being a date part of everything.

     I grab my favorite mug, and as I set the kettle to boil I think this might be the time. I told Charlie I want to tell the people who matter, and I meant it. My mum is the most important person in my life - besides Charlie - and she deserves to know. I want her to know.

Once my tea is steeped, I walk over to the dining room table and sit kitty corner to Mum, folding my hands in my lap.

"Mum," I start, and God , that feeling of anxiety washes over me again no matter how certain I am that she loves me, how often she's told me nothing can change that. But I'll get through this.

"Mhm," she hums.

"You know Charlie's like my best friend?"

She looks up from her tablet and cuts in, "If you're going to ask if he can come on our Menorca holiday this year, the answer's no, 'cause I've already booked the tickets."

"No," I chuckle slightly, "no, that's not what I was gonna say."

She looks back from her tablet again as I struggle to find my words. She gives her full attention to me as I think she realises this is something important.

I take a breath.

"He's my boyfriend. Charlie's my boyfriend."

She stays quiet but the look on her face seems trusting, sincere. So I keep going.

"I- I still like girls, but, um…I like boys too."

She smiles and nods to me.

"And me and Charlie we're…" not sort of , "we're going out." I can feel tears coming to my eyes, but not from fear or sadness. From the sheer relief of saying this all out loud. Saying all this to my mum.

"And I just, I wanted you to know."

Her eyes are teary too.

"Oh, baby," She says, and moves forward, her arms extended, to hug me, and I latch onto her tight.

"Aw, thank you for telling me,” she soothes.

I close my eyes.

"I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you couldn't tell me that."

Then I have to fight back a sob. It means so much. There were moments of worry, of anxiety, but it's okay now. 

She sits back and smiles at me, "You don't have to say you like girls if you don't."

"No, I, um- It's definitely not just guys, I, um- It's called Bisexuality, if you've heard of that."

Mum chuckles softly, "I have heard of that. I wasn't born in the eighteenth century." I huff a laugh at that.

"How long have you known?"

"Well, um…"

I wipe a tear from my cheek. That's a bit of a harder question.

"Me and Charlie started going out a couple months ago, but…I started liking him way before that."

"Oh, I love you," Mum says, and scoops me up in another hug and it's all I've ever needed to hear.

     Everything's been so different since I met Charlie, but some things are still the same. My mum will always be there for me, and now Charlie will too. Sometimes change is a good thing. I have more friends now, more real friends, and I have a boyfriend. I'm someone's boyfriend - Charlie's boyfriend, and I can't wait for our world to keep expanding. 

"Charlie still can't come to Menorca with us, even though he's your boyfriend." My Mum's voice cuts through my sentimental musings.

"But Muuuuum," I whine, "David got to bring his girlfriend last year!"

"Your brother is four years older than you and they were living together at uni at the time-"

I know she's serious about Menorca, but it's obvious she's also teasing.

"But Muuuum, I thought you loved meeeee…"

She sighs at me, "Nicholas…"