Chapter Text
Commissioner Gordon stared up at the bat signal in the sky. His police station was a destroyed mess from one ex-sidekick turned crime boss turned outlaw turn into a cat. The Red Hood glowered up at him growling from his cat carrier. The one that they had to force into by pleading and sobbing and coercing with every possible treat they could think the Red Hood might like.
He understood why the young brunette came to him with this strange looking cat. It had a Reddish, head a dark ginger cat but the body was black and brown in a way that reminded him of a coat on a black suit. It also had a strange red bat shaped marking on the cat’s chest. He remembered being called down from his office and being told the cat was the Red Hood. The young woman claimed that because it’s Gotham and weird shit happens all the time. She saw a wizard, or something get into an altercation with the Red Hood which led to said man being turned into a cat. He didn’t believe it. But then Bullock let the cat out of the carrier and Red Hood the cat decided to prove him wrong. The vigilante turned crime lord turned Outlaw decided that because he was miserable, everyone else in the police station was going to be miserable.
As a Cat, the Red Hood tripped Bullock while going down the stairs broke his leg. Bard ended up slipping in cat urine and ended up with a concussion. Bock tried cornering the Red Hood and ended up with a face full of rageful cat and was in the hospital for cat scratches. Red Hood then went on to attack a random citizen who confessed to every crime he ever committed including the first time he ever jaywalked to the three bodies of children he kept in his basement which was a first because he was just in to paying a parking fine. But worst of all he peed on Commissioner Gordon’s favorite office plant and most likely killed it. Barbara got it for him.
In the end commission Gordon was lucky his daughter was coming in to bring him a dinner while working. Barbara looked at the cat and was able to somehow calm the beast before putting him into a cat carrier. She was so confused as to why a cat was causing issues. He didn’t want to tell her the truth. But soon the cat would be out of his hair and in Batman’s and that was okay with him.
“Commissioner,” said Batman, startling him out of thought and Red Hood let out several loud hisses and attacked the front of the cat carrier with extreme volatile prejudice. Batman stared down at the cat carrier.
“Batman, is the Red Hood by chance in Gotham,” asked Gordon, “We had a young woman come in and drop this cat off claiming the cat to be the Red Hood. She claimed the Red Hood was turned into a cat by magic. When we argued with her, she pointed out that people like Manbat and Polka-Dot Man exist here and other strange anomalies. Is it possible the cat is not Red Hood?”
Batman stared at him quietly as he remembered the last time he talked with his son. His son telling him he needed to go silent for a while because of a mission he was on with the Outlaws and to not worry. He was starting to wonder if magic was involved and where the other members of the Outlaws were. What other human beings could they have running around the city as newly transformed animals? “Hood has gone silent recently. There is a possibility that it is him.”
Gordon shook his head as he lit a cigarette, “this fucking city. You think that you have it all figured out but then some curve ball happens and our resident bad boy vigilante has been turned into a cat and almost kills a bunch of our officers because he’s cranky.”
When Gordon turned around Batman and the cat were gone. Gordon blinked, “rude. I swear his parents raised him with no manners. It’s where the Red Hood gets it from. At least my serial killer son tells me he loves me when he tries shooting me in the head.”
An hour later in the Batcave, the Bat family is staring around at the cat carrier with Jason inside of it. Batman slowly opened the cat carrier and let the cat out. The cat looked at each member with a look of annoyance as Batman filled them in. Batman pulled off his cowl and stared at his son who hissed at him as he walked out of the cat carrier and glowering at everyone in a way only a cat and Jason can seem to do.
“Some magic user turned Jason into a cat,” said Duke, “I mean, it fits but at the same time. Why?”
Stephanie shrugged, “but here’s the thing. Why not?”
"I think I like his new form," said Damian Wayne, "There is a less of a chance him opening his mouth and saying imbecile things. We should keep him this way forever." Damian reached over to pet Jason only to have Jason his at him. Damian yanked his hand back quick enough to not get scratched and looked at Jason with hurt eyes.
“I mean he has faced worse,” said Dick, “and now he can sit and lick his own crotch if he wants too. So, he got a bit of a deal there.”
“Are we sure that, that cat is actually Master Jason,” said Alfred speaking up, “we are just taking the second hand, possibly third hand accounts of this magic user turning him into a cat.”
Tim shrugged, “The cat looks like him in uniform with the red head and the coat on his body and the big red bat symbol on his chest. Not normal cat markings.” Tim reached over to pet Jason. Jason let out a very angry and loud growl and swatted at time slicing into his hand. Tim hissed in pain as he yanked his hand away and cradled it to his chest staring at the blood trickling down his hand from the scratch marks. “Asshole.”
“He also looks like he has been neutered,” said Duke as he watched Jason behind, “so yeah. I can see why he is pissed. They made him a cat and took his balls.”
The guys of the Bat-family all stared down at Jason in horror at Jason's circumstances of his balls being lopped off. Stephanie let out a giggle as she watched the guy's reaction to Jason's predicament in. Cass nudged her in the ribs and gave her a look. Steph gestured around the room causing Cass to choke back a giggle and mouth the word, “later!” Barbara stared fondly at her Bat girls and shook her head at their antics.
Tim stared down at his hand and looked back at Jason who was glaring at him, “oh wow! No wonder you’re an even bigger asshole as a cat.”
“Is there any way that we can fix him,” asked Dick, “balls and all because I just don’t want to deal with a Jason realizing he is now a eunuch. I just don’t want to see how much blood and gore is coming from that situation and if I had my choice, I would like my head to be one of the sixteen in the duffle bag. It was 8 once and if he comes back without his testicles, it so is going be 16. I just know it!”
“16 heads? I… what? The dude can’t be that bad,” said Duke, “I mean he trained me a little and while he was a hard ass. He seemed to want to make sure that I stayed alive.”
“Yeah, well you came around after his whole being a big bad crime lord phase to piss off Bruce,” said Dick, “he even at one point put on the most exaggerated villain costume because he thought Bruce saw adopting him as a mistake not Bruce thinking his death was his greatest mistake.”
“Oh, so Bruce is terrible at communicating causing problems with the rest of us,” said Duke, “but that you got over!”
"He also did it because he wanted to be the person to be the next Batman," said Damian, "which he went off the rails and just was a pain in everyone's rears."
Bruce frowned at Duke as they ignored him standing right there.
“He once broke into the Titan’s tower to rip off his normal clothes to reveal a second-hand Robin costume he bought from E-Bay only to beat the shit out of me because he was mad, I replaced him and he called me an ‘Imposter’ and then beat the ever-loving shit out of me for it,” Tim confessed, "It was the strangest and most terrifying moment of all time for me. Also, what makes the whole thing even worse is he did it to Bring It All Back by S Club 7."
“Huh, that explains the frostiness between you two but why an S Club 7 of all bands,” said Duke, “how did you guys get to the place you are now. How did you guys forgive him for what he did to you guys?”
“Well, I ended up sending him to jail and he later when we talked about the incident confessed, he got both fleas and lice from said Robin costumes and somehow that made me feel better about the whole situation.”
Damian shrugged, "I once electrocuted him while pretending to want to hug him because I knew it was going to be one of his weak spots. So, every time he tried killing me before forgivable because I know I could probably pull the same fake out multiple times by pretending I want a hug from him and then zap him."
“He also was dying all his hair red at the time telling people Bruce forced him to dye his hair red so that he could look more like me,” said Dick, “one night while drinking he confessed it actually caused him hair issues down below, so he is now extremely patchy in the pubic area because of how much he dyed his hair. Sometimes I get thinking about things Jason did when I am feeling less stable and I don't feel as bad about myself anymore.”
Duke stared at his brothers like they were crazy, as if that is the most bizarre thing anyone has ever said to him.
“He’s a drama kid who never got to be able to join drama club in high school who wasn’t allowed to have a normal rebellious stage. He is going to be overdramatic and do things like that for attention,” said Barbara, “It’s a shame because if he could have, he would have a made a really good Javert in a high school performance of Les Mis.”
Bruce rubbed his eyes as the headache that showed up that only involved his head his him right behind his ears. He didn’t want to think of the times he had hair dye snuck into Jason in his jail cell.
“Wait … What,” said Duke, “he was doing what? Why? How do you know this?”
“Oh, we both were….” Dick paused and looked over at Bruce and Tim, “We were both hit by truth pollen and spent the night dealing with truth pollen. Truth pollen is just a sleep it off kind of thing.”
Steph nodded, “that is Dick Grayson for he got high with Jason. Jason gets extremely yappy when high.”
Tim frowned, “you did drugs with Jason.”
“Tim, you are going to probably die before you are 40 because you consumed so much caffeine it caused you to have a heart attack, you can’t really judge Jason and me for having extremely legal recreation time every once and a while. It helps Jason with his back pain and with me, it calms my brain when stress and some of things I have seen start getting to me.”
Alfred let out a sigh, “Master Dick and Master Timothy, maybe we can handle what Master Jason and Master Dick get up to with a legal substance that even I partake in once and a while, after we deal with Master Jason being possibly turned into a cat.”
The whole cave went quiet, Barbara said, “moving on from weed for just a second. How fast can we get a magic user into fix Jason from being a cat? Last I heard Zatanna and her father aren’t in realm, Constantine doesn’t deal with this kind of thing, and we don’t really have many other magic users on speed dial.” Watching Jason walking on top Batman’s desk to where a cup of coffee that Tim left behind sat.
“Zatanna, is said to be off realm for at least a month,” said Bruce, “So we are just going to have to deal with it.”
“I mean, we’re all used to Alfred the cat, how much harm will Jason as a Cat be,” asked Tim, “Besides he can’t break any laws really as a cat!”
Barbara nodded, before watching Jason paw softly at the mug. “Jason! No!”
Jason looked Barbara in the eyes before. Crash! Everyone turned and stared at the now broken mug and watched as Jason jumped down onto the sweater Tim left lying on the chair in front of the mug before the room was filled with the unmistakable sound of a cat peeing all while staring Tim directly in his eyes. They all knew instantly knew it was going to be a very long month.