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On the day Sherlock had brought him home from the hospital, William had to face the fact that everything he had grown used to was gone, or changed in some way.
He had sworn off bloodshed. From what he had heard, their work could sometimes require them to fight. He could do that. He could incapacitate their enemies, injure them if there was no other option but not fatally. He had enough blood sticking to his hands. So far, he could not wash away the still relatively fresh drops or scrape off the dried flakes. They remained to haunt him, to remind him, to tell him every day of the year what he needed to do now.
“Is everything okay, William?” a voice with an accent he wasn’t used to but would hear often from now on snapped him out of his thoughts.
“Yes, I was just thinking,”
He had put an end to planning heinous crimes. That was good. That was over.
But over were the mornings he spent with Louis, drinking tea, and reading the newspaper in peace. Over were the strolls the three brothers took on sunny afternoons, talking about things that most people did, things unrelated to their scheme. He couldn’t listen to Fred enthusiastically explaining to him how he had come across a new type of plant and how to take care of it. He couldn’t chuckle at Moran’s expression when William beat him in cards for the umpteenth time. He couldn’t see Bond and Moran bickering and Jack scolding them as if they were unruly children.
He hadn’t noticed how these small things were his reprieve from his distress, his sparks of joy. People don’t realize how much something means to them until they lose it.
“Are you unhappy?” Billy asked, tilting his head to one side slightly.
“I can’t say…”
“I know it’s hard. You are going to miss your family. You are going to get homesick. It is new here. But you have one-“ he held up one finger “one constant here for sure. One that you had over there, and brought with yourself,”
Brought with…
Sherlock.
“Ow, don’t look so panicked. I didn’t mean it like that. You didn’t force him to jump. Hell, I can’t even imagine any other outcome other than him following you. Have you seen how smitten that man is?”
Maybe. He did not dwell on it too much. He had always thought it would only hurt if he looked deeper into it since he firmly believed they- he had no future.
“How had he been while I was unconscious?”
It was safe to ask these things now. Sherlock had gone to buy groceries for dinner, and he yet needed to return.
“As I said, he was su~per worried,”
“A bit more detailed, please?”
“Alright, alright. Imagine, when he woke up, the first thing he did was bolt right up from the bed and look for you. Broken bones? Pshhh! Who cares,” Billy pouted “He even ignored me. Then he demanded to know your condition.
“I told him that it was up to your will to live if you’d wake up. Hey, people say that when one is in a coma, they sometimes hear what is said to them and can feel sensations. Have you?”
How straightforward. Not necessarily a bad thing.
“I think so, a few words here and there. Unfortunately, I don’t remember much,”
“I see. Should I even tell you this…”
“What? What is it?”
Billy sighed “He was worried for you, and I was worried for him. Almost every day he worked so hard until he was completely exhausted. He wanted to get everything ready for when you woke up. I guess it was some kind of a coping mechanism, too. Then after work, he would come back to you. I heard him, on occasion, talking to you. Telling you about his day. Begging you to wake up. Heartbreaking, that was,”
William sagged in his chair. He felt horrible. He put him through many hardships. How could he do this to the person he cared about so much…
“Hey, none of that now. I can hear you overthinking from here. Once again, you didn’t force him to do it, and no one could’ve predicted that you’d end up like that. Feeling guilty about it doesn’t do anything. You shouldn’t even feel guilty! It was out of your control,”
“It was my decision to jump,”
“His too. His decision to jump after you. To stay with you. To take care of you,”
“But he wouldn’t have had to do it if I-“
“William, listen. Okay? That was in the past. You can’t go back and not take the plunge. You’ve already done it. What you need to focus on now is what’s ahead. The ghosts of the past will come back. Acknowledge them, but don’t let them drag you back with them. Your present needs you more than your past,”
“You’re right. I’m sorry,”
“Nah, it’s natural to have those thoughts. They won’t leave in a day or two,”
They heard the jingle of keys outside the door, and the lock being turned before Sherlock stepped into the room.
“Hi. I hope I wasn’t gone for too long,”
“Long enough that I need to leave! You should’ve been faster,”
“Look who’s talking. Aren’t you staying for dinner?”
“Aw, so nice of you to invite me. But not today. I’ll drop in for lunch another day though,”
Billy stood and patted William on the shoulder “Remember, try not to blame yourself. Ask for help if you need it. There’s no such thing as being unworthy of help. Oh, and talk to him. Put a leash on your puppy, I don’t think I can bear listening to this fool pining after you much longer,”
William flushed. It was lucky Sherlock was rummaging in the kitchen and couldn’t hear them.
“That’s not it- he’s not like that,”
Billy raised an eyebrow, giving his best skeptical look.
“Sure, and I’m the queen of England herself. I guess that’s what happens when you put oblivious and oblivious together. Well, good luck!”
With Billy out of the flat, the two of them were left alone. William joined Sherlock to help prepare the ingredients.
“What were you two talking about? He said embarrassing things again, didn’t he?”
“You could say that,”
“Bastard. I’ll get back at him,”
“But he’s telling the truth. Isn’t it you who brings this upon himself?”
“You’re very close to becoming Bastard Number Two,”
William chuckled, and turned his attention to the task at hand.
***
They managed to cook a hearty meal that was very welcome after days spent on hospital food. They ate it in comfortable silence, and when they finished, they stored the leftovers, and William insisted to take care of the dishes. Meanwhile, Sherlock drew a bath and told William to go before the water gets cold.
“I put your nightclothes in the bathroom too,”
“Thank you, I’m coming right away,”
***
The temperature was perfect when he sank into the water, and it made him relax almost instantly.
He shouldn’t take long to let Sherlock have his turn too, but he could allow himself to enjoy it a little.
William tipped his head back, resting it on the tub’s edge, and stared up at the ceiling. His mind wandered, revisiting what Billy had told him earlier today. He was right. He couldn’t get stuck. The only way was forward.
He also kept repeating what Billy had called Sherlock and smiled to himself. In hindsight, he could kind of see it. The affection has been there since long ago, on both of their sides. The question was: what to do about it?
He would be lying if he said he didn’t miss the warmth of Sherlock’s touch. There haven’t been many occasions, so he treasured each memory of them. When he focused on his wrist and recalled the sensation of Sherlock holding onto him, it still felt tingly. And that embrace- he couldn’t be sure they would survive, yet he felt so at peace in Sherlock’s arms then.
He was down bad too, wasn’t he?
Even the small touches, just a brush here and there, a hand on his shoulder; they could seem insignificant to others but to him, they were precious, and if he was allowed to be a bit more selfish, he wanted more of them.
They weren’t the only things William had become so fond of, either.
Sherlock’s affection manifested itself in so many forms, it would be hard to name them all. He had been open about them, too – it was William who decided to turn a blind eye to it. To let himself be swept up by him was a risk, a threat to everything he had been working for all these years, and he couldn’t allow that.
In the end, he wasn’t strong enough to resist, and the very thing he had tried so hard to avoid was what saved him.
William had feared it would ruin them both if he relented, so he closed himself off for the most part. It was time to change that.
***
They were getting ready for bed.
William was already tucked in, and Sherlock just walked in, bringing a glass of water with him and setting it on the nightstand near William.
“Good night, Liam,” he started towards the bedroom door, but William called after him.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m going to sleep on the sofa,”
“Why? That can’t be comfortable…”
“It’s fine,” Sherlock waved the concern away with a smile “I always used to sleep on the sofa back in my flat too,”
“Stay,” William pleaded.
“…Are you sure? I don’t want to disturb you,”
“Yes, I’m sure. The bed is big enough. Come here,”
With the slightest bit of hesitation, Sherlock crawled under the blanket.
“Sherly… Thank you. For everything. I can’t even imagine how I could repay you,”
“Repay me? Nonsense. There is no debt to pay off, Liam. Everything I did was because I chose to do it. And you’ve thanked me enough already by deciding to live. That’s all I’ve wanted,”
William’s heart felt full. What had he done to deserve this man?
“Sherly, I want to ask something of you,”
“Shoot,”
“I want you to be selfish,”
“Huh?”
“You’ve been putting me first all this time. Billy told me how much you have struggled. Even after that, you keep doing the same. So, I want you to stop being selfless. Take it, or ask for what you need,”
Sherlock fell silent as he thought over the words.
“Are you saying I could ask for basically anything, even right now?”
“As long as it’s reasonable,”
Sherlock didn’t voice his request. Instead, William felt fingers brush against and entwine with his own under the blanket. He felt the smallest of tugs, and he went willingly, scooting closer until they met in the middle and their arms locked around each other.
“A hug? Is that what you needed?”
“Yeah… It’s much better when we’re not threatened with ice-cold water and a deadly fall, hm?”
“Indeed, it is,”
If William had felt at peace in Sherlock’s embrace back then, he didn’t know what to call this feeling now. It was everything. He felt at home.
And the best thing was, unlike during the fall, they could hold onto each other as long as they wanted.