Work Text:
Today was a quiet one for the Forgers. While they usually operated as a well-oiled machine, starting the day with Loid waking first and making dinner, then Yor and Anya followed quickly after. However, today was a day that they all had been off from both work and school. The window was slightly cracked, wind whistling through the opening and filling the room with a fresh breeze. They all sat in comfortable silence as Yor carded her fingers through Anya’s pink hair as she napped on her lap. Loid sat in the single recliner in the living room, sipping the piping hot tea that Yor had made for them not so long ago.
It was now that Loid was beginning to understand what Fiona meant by saying that his family was weakening him. The old Twilight would have picked up an extra mission or asked the Handler if there was anything more he could do. Although, he technically was working considering Operation: Strix was his highest priority. He just never expected working to feel so relaxing and have him so at ease. Yor hummed softly as she massaged Anya’s hair and Bond rested peacefully at her feet. Loid was thankful that he sat across from them, able to bask in the sight that was his (fake) family having a peaceful afternoon.
The inner voice of Twilight that would usually chide himself for having these thoughts had become quieter and quieter these days. He was starting to enter the acceptance stage of his guilt and denial. He loved his family, he really did. And with each passing day, the love became stronger and more intense. He lived so long only for himself and only caring about himself that he forgot what it was like to have a family. To come home after a long day at work with two bright and beautiful faces greeting him and grinning ear to ear, it was a sight to behold.
His actions began to reflect this shift in his acceptance as well. With Anya, it manifested in more patience and genuine praise. He felt so proud of her even when she came home with a D- on a test they spent all night preparing for. The Handler didn’t need to know that he wasn’t parenting her in the most efficient way possible. When he came home, she ran towards him full speed and no matter how tired he was, he would grab and pick her up with a smile. It seemed as though Anya picked up on it as well. She spent a lot of time looking at him with the softest smile like she could tell exactly what he was thinking. As long as she knew he loved and cherished her, that was all that mattered to him.
And with Yor. Each passing day had become a struggle not to act on his impulses. She would always greet him so happily each time he entered the threshold of their home. She would always be prepared with a cup of coffee or tea, made just the way he liked, when he needed it. Yor always provided acts of service to ensure Loid was happy and comfortable with her and he didn’t have the heart to tell her that all she had to do was stand there and he would still adore her.
The thing is, with his walls coming down each and every passing day, he experienced emotions and feelings he never thought he would. To experience desire for a woman living under the same roof as him when he usually only wished to bed women in order to get information. To experience red hot anger when Anya comes home with bloody knees after a kid pushed her down on the playground. To experience serenity in the living room with his family is something he never imagined he would have, let alone want.
They were all becoming comfortable as a family, comfortable with each other and no matter how often the inner voice of Twilight tried to tell himself that it was all a lie. Loid couldn’t find it in him to think so.
The lingering glances and stares that he and Yor would share every now and then were real. The soft whispers they shared at night after Anya went to bed were real. Every now and then, although more frequently now, they sat on the same couch and watched television until it was bedtime. Every time they did this, it became difficult to split up at night and retreat to their respective bedrooms. Loid would lay awake at night sometimes, wishing he had the guts to ask Yor to come to bed with him. He wasn’t sure exactly what her feelings were but at the very least, he could sense her reluctance every night when the show they watched ended and they were forced to go their separate ways.
His experience with love is a fickle one. As he joined to fight in the war at a very young age, he never really considered the thought of having a family or falling in love. After being recruited by WISE, each romantic interest he had was always a part of a mission. He wasn’t even sure if love was something he could genuinely feel or identify, but the warmth that spread throughout his chest everyday at the girls doing mundane things like laundry or eating breakfast was something he had never felt with anyone.
Loid enjoyed family outings with them. Showing off his nuclear family to strangers in Berlint, never once being reminded that this all started as a facade. They would go to the park and dine at a cafe and get dresses for both Yor and Anya at the tailor. He enjoyed spoiling them by surprising them with gifts he would find on business trips to let them know he was always thinking of them. It was a love that had him doing things he never would have. And every now and then he wondered if the war had never happened and he lived peacefully, would he have been accustomed to love like this? Would his mother and father show him unconditional love? Would he have a family like he does now despite the circumstances of it all?
Honestly, it all felt like a dream to him. And often he had to remind himself that he was very much on a real mission that had to move forward in order to prevent another war that tore his previous family apart. That’s what scared him most of all, that if he were to somehow get too caught up in playing house, it could cause the demise of many people on his watch and he would never forgive himself for that. Especially because such a thing would affect both Yor and Anya too and he really couldn’t forgive himself for that.
The sound of wind chimes filled his ears and as they became louder, Loid realized it was actually Yor speaking to him. He’d dazed off long ago, mind pondering endless possibilities about the pros and cons of how this mission could affect the entire world. His tea was no longer steaming and the newspaper he’d been reading was nearly falling out of his hand.
“Loid?” Yor said.
He fumbled quickly to retrieve the newspaper as he felt his ears and face get hot. He knew how obvious the blush must’ve been to her, but he pretended he didn’t care. Once he gathered his bearings, he chuckled stiffly and forced a smile.
“Yes, Yor?”
Anya stirred slightly in Yor’s lap, her eyes darting down and smiling at the small girl. “I was going to ask if you were okay… You seemed to be distracted or troubled.. By something.”
If he didn’t know any better he would have suspected Yor was a spy as well. She was always so observant even about the most minute things, but it also didn’t help that he was slipping lately. He was never completely alert at home. Both Yor and Anya could’ve been some ploy by the Ostaninan government and Loid would be none the wiser.
He tilted his head a little, hesitating. “I’m.. I’m okay. I guess I am distracted. I’ve been thinking about work and life in general lately.”
“You can always share your thoughts with me, Loid,” Yor shot him a quick and sweet smile.
It’s a wonder why he hasn’t already abandoned Operation: Strix and fled the continent with his family in tow. He’d been so used to carrying his own burdens and while he can’t tell Yor everything, he could always bend the truth a little.
He hesitated once more, taking a look at the unmoving Anya still resting peacefully in Yor’s lap. Folding up the newspaper, he set it to the side and moved a little closer to the other couch in the living room as quietly as possible so as not to disturb Anya. His mouth opened and closed a few times, trying to find the right words. He didn’t really know how to be honest without being honest. However, the way Yor was looking at him ready to receive whatever he may say, it made him want to spill his guts.
So with a softer voice than usual, to accommodate the sleeping child (and dog), he blurted out without thinking, “Do you think that had our lives gone any differently, or maybe if the war hadn’t happened.. That we still would have found each other,” He paused, adding quickly. “M-me, you, Anya and Bond, of course.”
Yor was rightfully stunned by the question. It was an unspoken rule, for Loid at least, to avoid talking about what ifs. Loid was a little flustered by how the question spilled out of his lips. It was a little embarrassing to be so openly vulnerable. Asking Yor if they would have found each other was an inherent sign that this family meant something to Loid and even if he’d made it clear in other ways, saying it (almost) explicitly was worse than lowering his walls. It was more like peeling his skin and exposing all of his innards for everyone to see.
She took time to ponder the question, while Loid tried his best not to back track.
She finally said, “I’m not sure. The war was awful and horrific for a lot of people, but it’s also the reason I’m here at this very moment with Anya in my lap and Bond at my feet. I would never say that the war was a good thing and perhaps we would all be a little happier without the trauma most of us have experienced from it,”
“But I’d like to believe so. I really do because I can’t imagine a world in which I wasn’t Anya’s m– fake mom.” Yor chuckled nervously, eyes gazing at the curtains as they swayed slightly in the breeze. “Or a world without Bond or without you. We have so much fun together and I’d lived only for Yuri and myself until recently. Maybe if the war hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have been alone, but to experience a family like this after I had been alone for so many years… It’s nice and valuable to me, and I know it’s valuable to you.”
Loid searched Yor’s face for a long time and he could tell she was speaking from the heart. And he wasn’t sure if he was relieved or scared because he knew this had to end if he wanted to continue being a spy. An overwhelming sense of guilt clouded over him, what was meant to be a comforting answer had turned into something Loid felt ashamed of. The fact that he hadn’t come clean as soon as they started sharing many long, wanting looks or disappeared before he was too far in.
But that was a problem for him to deal with in the far future, at the rate that Anya was receiving her Stella stars. He found that he didn’t mind as long as he got to continue being with his family and perhaps within that time, he would find a solution for the mess he’d gotten himself into. For now though, he flashed a smile at Yor and looked wistfully at Anya.
“It is.” That was all he could say.
Yor didn’t need anymore words, she knew the weight of what he’d said. They had begun doing that recently, communicating with little to no words. Maybe it was not to burst the fantasy bubble they had trapped themselves in. One word or sentence more and it would shatter the very existence of the fragile world they’ve created for themselves. As Yor’s answer floated in his head, he began thinking that maybe in another life, they would have found each other in normal circumstances.
He wished for a life in which he didn’t have to hide from Yor or Anya. That he could be honest and not a product of the war that created him. He wondered what he would be like if he had or hadn’t met them. What he would be like if the war hadn’t claimed his or Yor’s parents. But he liked to imagine that he’d meet them and that they would have been a family anyway. Loid would have been rushing to his normal job and collided with an also rushing Yor, and he would have apologized by taking her on a date. And three years into their normal marriage they would have adopted Anya, then Bond and they’d be right where they are at this moment. Loid watching as his wife, daughter and family dog bask in the beautiful, quiet day.
And with a satisfied huff, Loid sat back on the couch, grabbing his newspaper once more and continued to enjoy the silence that crept its way into the Forger household. While it wouldn’t last long, he couldn’t wait to hear the chaos again because it meant he was here with his family. No matter how real or how fake it may be.