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Chapter Text

JJ’s eyes scan the crowd in search of unruly curls but when he finally spots her standing in the front her hair is pulled back into smooth tight low bun. Her lips are a deep red and he’s surprised to notice her eyes are outlined by some dark eyeliner and heavy eyeshadow. He thinks it’s too much makeup, considering it’s her mother’s funeral and she might cry it off. But he does note how strikingly beautiful she looks, this new version of Kie. Sophisticated, more delicate than he remembers, and sexy. JJ wonders if it’s okay to think of someone as sexy at their mother’s funeral.

She is hugging an older woman he vaguely recognizes. Maybe Anna’s aunt?

Yesterday he got his first real life glimpse of Kiara in over five years. He does still follow her on Instagram so it’s not like he hadn’t seen her at all. But seeing her in person, froze him to the spot where he stood, unable to move, unable to speak, unable to breathe for a full minute. Pope had come up behind him and followed his line of sight across the street where he too spotted Kiara walking with her dad into The Wreck.

“Should we go over there?” Pope had asked.

Once JJ’s thoughts unfroze and his voice returned he said, “I don’t think so. We’ll give her our condolences at the funeral tomorrow.”

Pope had given JJ a strange look then, but he didn’t say anything else.

JJ takes a seat in the back but when John B looks around the room and spots him, he waves JJ over to where he, Sarah, and Pope are sitting only a couple rows back from Kiara’s family.

The priest steps forward to begin the service as JJ starts to walk over to his friends. A hush falls over the church and everyone not already seated quickly moves to take their seats. JJ is walking down the middle aisle only a few meters from the spot John B is waving at when Kiara turns to look around the room before taking her seat.

Their eyes lock and JJ’s instinct is to give her a smile, but he holds it back. He figures people aren’t supposed to smile at funerals. Also, are people supposed to smile at their exes, he wonders. His head jerks slightly downward in a nod of recognition. Kiara doesn’t return the gesture but she clearly watches him for a couple seconds as he strides to John B.

The person next to her reaches out and gently rests a hand on her arm. She turns and sits down in one swift motion. Just before he sits, JJ cranes his head a little to see who it was.

“Her boyfriend’s here,” John B whispers when he sees where JJ is looking.

JJ nods. Kiara has been seeing Connor for over a year now. He knows this through her Instagram and because his friends still talk to Kie. They have also occasionally seen her over the last five years, while JJ resolutely avoided it. Though, he didn’t have to try very hard; her presence in the OBX has been rare, with few and far between visits to her parents.

The priest speaks, a few of Anna’s family members read passages from the bible, Mike delivers the eulogy, managing to hold back tears through most of it. There’s some more prayers led by the priest and then it’s over. JJ is surprised Kiara doesn’t get up to speak at all.

Mike and Kiara stand at the entrance to the church and receive people’s condolences as they exit the service. Sarah and John B stand ahead of him and Pope in line. When the older couple in front of them finish talking with Mike and Kiara, Sarah steps up to wrap Kie in a hug, but JJ takes a step backward, then another one. Then he turns and walks swiftly away down a hall on the right and out a side door without looking back.

He wanders over to an old oak tree out front of the church where he stands in the shade and lights up a cigarette. Five minutes later, Sarah tugs on John B’s arm and points to where JJ is waiting for them.

“Where did you go?” Pope asks as the three of them approach JJ.

“Had an urgent nicotine craving,” JJ says, indicating the cigarette in his hand.

John B rolls his eyes as Sarah says, “I thought you quit.”

“You’re not gonna talk to her?” John B asks.

JJ shrugs. “She’s already got too many people around her. I’m sure she hates it. All the small talk and shit.”

“Yeah I’m sure she hates having to interact with a lot of these kooks,” John B waves his hand at the crowd milling around the parking lot. “But I’m also sure she wants to talk to people who genuinely care.”

“She was happy to see us. Seemed relieved we were there,” Pope adds.

“Good, I’m glad she has you guys,” JJ states, matter-of-factly.

“Don’t you want her to know you’re here too?” Sarah questions.

“She knows I’m here,” he answers with another shrug. “We made eye contact.”

Sarah scoffs. “Oh, eye contact huh? Yeah I’m sure that’s just as comforting as giving your friend a hug and telling her you’re sorry when she’s going through such a horrible loss.”

“She’s not my friend,” JJ quickly retorts.

Sarah’s eyes start to water. “JJ, what the fuck? She’s in pain. She lost her mother. She was your best friend most of your life.”

“Was,” JJ points out the past tense of Sarah’s statement. “Was my best friend.”

“Come on, dude, that’s not fair,” John B remarks, his hand rubbing up and down on Sarah’s back to try to comfort her.

“Was my girlfriend too,” JJ mumbles like it’s a throwaway comment, even though that’s really the heart of the matter.

“She invited us back to their house. They’re hosting some family for a more casual reception,” Pope explains.

“Will you come with us?” John B asks.

JJ’s eyes move past his friends as he sees her again. Her hand is intertwined with Connor’s, both of them following her dad out to the parking lot.

“I think she’s got all the support she needs,” JJ murmurs, watching when Connor opens the door to Kiara’s old Jeep for her.

“She told me specifically ‘tell JJ’ too,” Pope continues.

JJ tears his eyes off Kie’s Jeep when Connor shuts the door behind her and raises one eyebrow in question at Pope.

“What? Do you think she doesn’t want to see you or something?” Pope asks.

Sarah doesn’t let JJ answer, speaking first, “she does. She wants to see you. I know she does.”

“Alright, just so you guys will shut up, I’ll come,” JJ gives in. “For a bit.”

JJ had driven separately so he walks to his pickup truck while his friends pile in Sarah’s Mazda on the other side of the parking lot. He drives the long way to Kiara’s neighborhood on Figure 8.

The Carrera’s street is filled with cars belonging to their family and close friends. When JJ arrives a car parked directly in front of their house pulls away and he backs into the vacated spot. The spot where he’s parked so many times before. But he doesn’t get out of the car, he stays seated, tossing the car keys back and forth in his hands. He watches people come and go up the driveway and the porch.

He’s debating going in at all. After about twenty minutes, he’s thinking about maybe just going home when the passenger door abruptly swings open.

“What the-” JJ starts to snap at the person jumping into his truck. “Fuck…?” he trails off softly when he realizes it’s Kiara.

She sits on the passenger seat staring ahead and drops her head back against the headrest.

“I had to duck my Uncle and Aunt,” she says by way of explanation.

“Oh,” is all JJ says in response.

Kiara takes a big deep breath. “They’re really fucking annoying me today.”

“Ok.”

“Can you drive?” Kiara asks, still not looking at him.

“I can drive.” JJ looks at the keys in his hand and then studies Kiara’s side profile.

“Will you drive?” she amends her question.

“You want me to drive?” JJ asks, but he’s already putting the keys back in the ignition.

She nods once. “Yes, please.”

He puts the car in drive and starts to pull away from the curb. “Where to?”

His eyes are on the road when Kiara finally turns to look at him. “Anywhere but here.”

It’s silent in the car as JJ drives them through town. He doesn’t think about where to go, he automatically heads towards the Cut to a bluff they used to go to hang out, watch the waves, smoke or, for a couple years, make out.

Kiara is the one to break the silence. “Were you ever gonna come in?”

JJ clears his throat. “Uh, yeah, probably.”

“Thanks for coming. To the funeral. My mom would have been happy you were there.”

JJ thinks it’s a pleasantry. A polite white lie because she has nothing else to say.

“Anna would have been happy to see you with Connor.” The words leave JJ’s mouth before he can think about them. He regrets saying it immediately. He doesn’t want to push her buttons, not today.

Kiara’s nose scrunches. “What?”

“It’s just… I’m sure Anna loves Connor.” He cringes at his use of present tense. “I’m sure she was happy you found someone like him.”

“Someone like him?”

“You know, expensive suit, designer shoes, probably smells like Ralph Lauren cologne.”

Kiara narrows her eyes at JJ. “Tom Ford,” she corrects. She doesn’t seem offended. If anything, she seems to be playing into JJ’s remarks like it’s an inside joke between the two of them.

A half laugh leaves JJ’s mouth as he pulls over near the bluff. As soon as he puts the truck in park, Kiara is opening the door and hopping out. She slips her heels off and walks barefoot out on the sand. JJ is quick to follow. When she sits facing the ocean, he does too.

They both stare out at the waves in silence for a while. There’s no one out on the beach. It’s late October and there’s a stiff chill in the air.

A small sniffle from Kie finally makes JJ look over at her. He sees tears running down her cheeks but she’s sitting still, no heavy breathing or sobs.

She wipes away her tears when she notices him watching her. “I’m ok.”

JJ has to resist putting his arm around her. “It’s ok if you’re not.”

A shiver runs down her back. JJ’s eyes track up her bare legs in her small form fitting black dress. He removes his suit jacket and reaches over to drape it over her shoulders.

Kie moves her arms to shrug it on a bit more. “Thanks.”

They sit in silence again until JJ’s phone vibrates and he takes it out of his pocket to see it’s John B calling.

“Hey bro,” he answers.

“Where are you?” John B asks.

“I, uh, went for a drive,” JJ opts for half the truth.

“Don’t bail,” John B urges. “You should be here.”

JJ hopes Kie can’t hear John B. “Yeah, I’ll be there,” he assures.

“Ok. Well Kie seems to have disappeared somewhere, probably upstairs. But text me when you get here if you can’t find us.”

“Ok man, see you soon,” JJ tells him and then ends the call.

“John B?” Kie asks. “Do you need to get back?”

“Nah, he just wants me to talk to you. Give you my condolences and all,” he explains.

Kiara hums in acknowledgement.

“So…” JJ starts cautiously, figuring he has yet to express his condolences and wanting to let her know how truly sorry he is despite the fact that talking about feelings was never his strong suit. “I know words can’t really help but I really am sorry about your mom. If… if there is anything I can do…”

Kiara runs her hands through the sand at her sides, letting her fingers create little trails. “She was happy to see me with you, too, you know.”

“Huh?” JJ’s eyebrows scrunch down in confusion.

“You said she was happy to see me with Connor. I’m just letting you know she was happy when we were together. And she was sad when we broke up.”

JJ fiddles with the rings on his fingers, spinning around the one on his pointer finger while Kiara continues.

“She would tell me every time she saw you around town. When you’d come into The Wreck and what you ordered. When she’d take her car into the garage and what you two talked about. How you were 'so sweet' to help her carry her groceries to her car when she ran into you at Heyward’s.”

“She did?”

“She loved you, JJ.”

JJ’s breath catches for a moment. He focuses on the waves crashing on the shore.

“The feeling was mutual,” he finally admits quietly. He’d never been very close to Kie’s mom, but they had grown to a place of familial friendliness for the couple of years he was Kiara’s boyfriend. There was a time in his life when he thought she might be his mother in law one day. And considering he didn’t have his own mom in his life, that’s the closest he ever came to a mother figure, which makes him feel pathetic because Anna was not his family and she would never be his mother in law. He feels like he doesn’t have the right to mourn her himself. He’s here because Kie was important to him and Anna was important to Kie.

Kiara inhales deeply and when she exhales her breath is shaky. Tears start to cascade more heavily and she turns towards JJ at the same time he moves to put an arm around her. She buries her face in his chest as a sob wracks through her. JJ shifts more to fully envelope her in his arms when her fingers curl into the front of his shirt. Her tight grip loosening his carefully tucked in dress shirt.

The wind blows a loose strand of Kie’s hair in his face. JJ buries his face further into her hair, even daring to brush his lips on the crown of her head, wanting to give her some comfort, hoping his embrace at least helps a little.

“I should get back.” Kiara pulls away. “I don’t have my phone and I don’t want my dad to worry,”

“Sure, yeah, let’s go.” JJ stands up first and extends a hand to Kiara.

After she’s on her own two feet, neither of them make a move to loosen their grip or drop their hand. So they walk hand in hand for the ten meters back to JJ’s truck. Mostly JJ is shocked at how normal it feels.

He opens the passenger door for her and her hand slowly slips from his as she hops up to sit in the seat. The loss of her warmth brings a ripple of sadness through JJ.

They drive back in silence. When JJ pulls his truck in front of the Carrera’s house, there are considerably less cars out front. The crowd of mourners seems to have thinned as dusk washes over the sky.

“Kie!” Connor exclaims in relief as she walks in the front door. He stands from his place on the couch next to John B, Sarah, and Pope.

Kiara drops her heels she had been carrying onto the floor next to the door. “Sorry, I didn’t have my phone.”

“Are you okay?” he asks, concern lacing his voice.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine,” she reassures him.

Connor’s eyes stray over Kiara, taking in the sand stuck to her bare feet, the strands of hair that the wind had swept loose from her bun, and the large suit jacket she wears over her dress. His gaze moves to JJ standing over her shoulder.

“Where were you?” he asks, looking between her and JJ.

“Went for a drive.”

“Your car is in the driveway,” Connor points out.

Kiara jerks her thumb over her shoulder. “JJ drove.”

JJ steps forward and sticks his hand out to Connor. “Hi, I’m JJ. Nice to meet you.”

“Yeah, nice to meet you,” Connor says, shaking his hand. “Connor.”

“I figured,” JJ nods.

Just as quickly as Connor had looked over to JJ his attention shifts back on Kiara.

John B, Sarah, and Pope all watch the exchange from behind Connor with rapt attention and interest.

“Hey guys,” JJ gives them a small wave over Connor’s shoulder.

Connor eyes the suit jacket over Kiara’s dress again. “Are you cold? Do you want to go change into something more comfortable?”

“Yeah, sure,” Kiara nods and lets Connor guide her away upstairs.

JJ walks over to where John B, Sarah, and Pope have been sitting silently on the couch.

“Ok, so you could have said you were with Kie when I called you,” John B says to him.

“Yeah I could have.” JJ shrugs and then points at the stairs Kiara and Connor just went up. “Was he freaking out? Seems a little over protective.”

“Connor? Yeah he seemed pretty worried about her,” Pope answers.

“So… how was it?” John B

JJ furrows his eyebrows. “How was what?”

“JJ!” John B exclaims, exasperated. “You’ve been scared to talk to Kiara to the point where you almost didn’t attend her mom’s funeral and then you stride in here with rumpled clothes and act like it’s totally normal you two disappeared together for over an hour.”

“Rumpled clothes?” JJ repeats with confusion lining his eyes.

“That’s what you choose to focus on?” John B asks, irritatedly.

“It’s just a weird observation,” JJ remarks. “Are you implying something?”

“Just stating a fact. Your shirt is unbuttoned at the top and untucked.” John B reaches out to tug on the loose hem of JJ’s dress shirt. “Not to mention Kie is wearing your jacket.”

“She was cold.”

“Ok, so you’re not gonna give me anything here,” John B drops his arms to his side in disappointment.

JJ rolls his eyes at his friend’s dramatics. “Nothing to give you, buddy. She wanted to get out of here for a bit, so I drove her to the beach to get some air. We mostly sat in silence. She just needed some space.”

“Well I’m glad you were there for her,” Sarah speaks up. “I’m sure it means a lot to her.”

JJ sits down next to Sarah. “It’s not like she needed me, specifically. She needed anyone with a vehicle.”

Sarah sighs and lets her head drop to JJ’s shoulder. She seems like she wants to dispute JJ’s statement but doesn’t have the energy to argue. JJ pats her on the head affectionately, knowing she’s just trying to be supportive to both her friends during this difficult day.

“Your shirt smells like Kie,” Sarah whispers so only JJ can hear. “Like her coconut shampoo.”

JJ lets himself smile a little as he looks down at Sarah’s face. “She needed a hug is all.”

Sarah returns the smile, conspiratorially.

When Kiara and Connor reappear a few minutes later, Kie is in jean shorts and a Pelican Marina hoodie. Her hair is still pulled back, but this time it’s in a messy top knot. JJ’s eyes linger on her sweatshirt, which once belonged to him. He tries to tell himself that it doesn’t mean anything that she swapped out one item of his clothing for another.

“My dad’s starting a fire in the fire pit, you guys want to come out back with us?” Kiara asks the group.

There’s a chorus of yes’s from Pope, John B, and Sarah. JJ remains silent but stands to follow them into the Carrera’s backyard.

The fire is flickering high with a few of Kiara’s relatives sitting around one side of it. Mike passes out hard seltzers and beer from a cooler to the pogues as they join.

Some friends of Anna’s take turns sharing memories of her. Kiara sits close with Connor on a wooden bench listening intently to each story, sipping on a Blue Moon, which JJ remembers is Anna’s favorite beer. She always drank it out of a glass with an orange wedge.

“JJ, do you need another?” Mike points at JJ’s empty beer bottle at his feet.

“Sure, I’ll take a Blue Moon if you have it.”

Kiara’s gaze flicks to JJ, and she gives him a small smile. It makes JJ’s heart skip a beat. He’s glad she got in his truck earlier. He knows he would have regretted it if he had driven away without going into the Carrera’s house.

“Anna would approve of that beer choice,” Mike comments, handing a new bottle to JJ.

After a while, most of the group heads out. Then Mike goes inside with his sister and brother-in-law who are staying at the Carrera’s house for a few days to spend time with him while he grieves. Soon it’s just Kiara, Connor, Sarah, John B, Pope, and JJ sitting around the fire.

“You guys don’t have to stay,” Kiara says.

“It’s not that late, Kie. We’re happy to enjoy the fire and hang out with you,” Sarah speaks for the group.

“So Kie, how long are you gonna be in town for?” John B asks.

Kiara shifts in her seat, it puts another inch of space between herself and Connor. JJ wishes he didn’t notice but he’s been tracking how close they’ve been sitting all evening, and Kiara had slowly been increasing the gap.

She hesitates before saying, “I’m not exactly sure.”

“Do you need to be back at work soon or can you work remote?” Pope asks.

“I actually quit my job,” Kiara reveals, taking a long drink from her beer.

Connor’s hand comes up and rubs Kiara’s back in a gesture of support.

“At first I just took time off to be with my mom in New York, but then I realized I didn’t want to go back. And not just because of my mom. It wasn’t the job for me,” Kiara explains.

Anna had been diagnosed with cancer just over two months ago. Mike and Anna quickly found some treatment options at a hospital in New York and they were in the city for about six weeks before the doctors advised she wasn’t responding to the treatment and it was a matter of days she had left. Kiara, Mike, and Anna had driven back to the Outer Banks to spend her last days together at home. They had nine days together to enjoy a last backyard barbecue, a last meal at The Wreck, a last sunrise on the beach, a last family movie night, and say their goodbyes.

“Plus my dad needs me. I can’t leave him alone right now,” Kie continues. “So my plan for now is to stay and help him manage The Wreck.”

“Selfishly, I’m glad to hear that you’ll be back in the OBX,” Sarah comments.

Kiara had stayed in the Outer Banks for her first two years of college, attending the local community college and working at a local nature conservatory. Growing restless, she had applied to universities all across the country that had highly rated environmental science programs. After her and JJ broke up, she picked UCLA to transfer to for her junior and senior year. The day after graduation she left straight from LA to fly to Thailand. From there she traveled the world on her own for a year. When her travel fund was depleted she took a job in Miami where she’s been working for the last three years.

Kiara had only been back in the OBX a handful of times to visit her parents since she left to attend UCLA at 20 years old. Mostly her parents traveled to visit her.

“Connor, when do you head back?”

“I took some time off so I’ll be here at least for the week with Kie, but I’ll need to get back for the following week.”

“Long distance will be hard,” John B remarks.

“We’re committed to making it work,” Connor is quick to insist. “Besides, it won't be forever.”

“Yeah,” Kiara agrees, puckering her lips as Connor leans over to press his lips to hers.

JJ averts his eyes, hating the sharp pang of jealousy he feels in his gut.

John B had thought JJ was scared to see Kiara again because he was nervous. That part may be true but the nerves were only the beginning. He knows spending time around Kiara will arouse feelings he’s worked very hard to suppress. Given the way his ears perk up whenever one of his friends mentions talking to Kiara or the way his breath stutters when she posts anything on Instagram, he knows he never really let go of Kie, not the way she did him.

Now, hearing her talk about a long distance relationship, makes his heart sink into his stomach. They broke up because Kiara started expressing a desire to leave the Outer Banks for her last two years of college. JJ felt like it was a desire to leave him, no matter how much Kiara tried to convince him that she still wanted to be with him even if she wasn’t in the OBX. Ultimately the arguments about her leaving ended them. JJ never argued for her to stay. He didn’t want to hold her back. He argued that they should break up so she could leave without any attachments. She maintained that they should stay together and she would make an effort to return home as much as possible to see him. As he tends to do, JJ stubbornly pushed too hard and Kiara was hurt that he didn’t want to even try long distance for her.

When she chose a school on the opposite coast and only made brief visits home about once a year, JJ knew he had been right. She was destined for a bigger and better life, far away from the OBX and far away from him.

They all chat around the fire for another hour before Connor mentions he’s getting tired and Kiara agrees it’s time to go to bed. When JJ takes his turn to hug Kie goodbye he holds her firmly between his arms for a solid three seconds. It feels too long with all their friends and her boyfriend standing next to them but to JJ it also feels way too short. Being close to Kie for the first time in five years has made him miss her even more than he already did.

Chapter Text

The door swings open with a swift woosh and lightly bangs the wall. JJ is startled awake from his weed induced nap in the chateau living room. He sits up and rubs his eyes, vaguely wondering if he is dreaming when his gaze lands on Kiara.

“Kie?” JJ asks, sounds confused.

“Oh sorry,” Kie says, looking around the chateau. “Should I have knocked?”

JJ stands from his spot on the couch. “Um-”

“I texted John B-” Kiara starts.

“He’s not here.”

“Yeah… Yeah no, he said he was out.”

“Ok… so?” JJ prompts, confused about why Kiara is here if she knew no one else was home.

“He said I could stop by.”

JJ nods.

“He said you’d be here,” she continues.

JJ nods again.

“I wanted to give this back.” Kiara holds up JJ’s suit jacket he hadn’t noticed she held at her side.

“Oh ok, thanks.” JJ takes a hesitant step towards her.

She holds out the jacket, he takes it from her and sets it down the chair next to him.

“Thanks for letting me wear it. Sorry it took me a while to return. I didn’t know if maybe you’d need it for something, or…”

It had only been four days since the funeral.

One corner of JJ’s lips turns up. “Me? Need a suit?”

Kiara bites her lip to stop a smile and she shrugs. “Stranger things have happened.”

“Sarah forced me to buy a new one when she realized the only one I had was from Prom.”

Kiara nods. “Well you look good in a suit. Sarah has good taste. I assume she picked it out.”

“Yep,” he acknowledges.

“I mean, you look good like this too,” Kiara continues, gesturing to his outfit which consists of a t-shirt with the sleeves sliced out and worn out cargo shorts.

And it’s outrageous but JJ feels himself blush at her words. He mentally curses himself. He looks away and hopes she doesn’t notice as an awkward silence fills the small room.

“More comfortable,” JJ mumbles, fingering the hem of his old faded t-shirt.

“Right, well… I guess I should go,” Kiara says hesitantly.

She starts towards the door and a million thoughts fly through JJ’s head of things he could say to get her to stay. He doesn’t have time to think about if it’s a good idea or not. Everything in him is screaming at him to come up with something.

“Or you could stay,” he blurts out. When she pauses, he continues, “I mean, I was planning on smoking one, if you want to partake.”

“Now that’s an offer I can’t refuse.”

Five minutes later, JJ has a joint rolled and they are lying opposite each other in the hammock. She suggested they smoke in the hammock for old times sake. And JJ has never agreed to anything faster, though he pretended to mull it over for a solid couple seconds.

Kiara takes a long drag and slowly exhales. “Oh man, Ricky’s weed is fresh. And you roll it so perfectly.” She looks at the joint between her pointer finger and thumb. “I’ve missed this.”

JJ stares at Kie as she extends her arm to pass the joint to him. “Yeah, me too.”

Kie’s eyes flick from where the joint exchanges hands to JJ’s face, but he quickly shifts his focus to the joint.

“I mean, Ricky went away for some theft charges so supply was tight for a while,” JJ quickly covers. It’s not a total lie. Ricky did spend some time in jail but it was brief and well over a year ago at this point.

Kie was talking about the weed, not smoking it with you, you idiot, JJ mentally reprimands himself.

“So… what have you been up to lately?” Kie asks JJ.

“Pretty much just this,” JJ gestures towards themselves. “Chilling in the hammock and smoking, right where you left me.”

Kiara’s lips curve to a small smile. “John B told me you’re running charters for Big Red these days.”

“Oh yeah, that too,” JJ shrugs, passing the joint back to Kie.

“How’re you liking it?” She asks as she places the joint between her lips.

“It’s pretty cool, I guess.”

“And John B mentioned that Red’s getting ready to retire so he’s been pushing you to learn all parts of the business, not just the boating.”

“Oh yeah? Did John B also tell you that I learned to tie my shoes and count to ten all by myself?” JJ asks sarcastically.

Kiara lets out a short laugh. “He’s just proud of you, is all.”

JJ rolls his eyes. “He’s like an annoying parent. I swear, he’s worse than Pope these days.”

Kie giggles and it’s a sound he’s only heard in his dreams for the last five years; her light giggles that come out when she’s high. She’s otherwise not very giggly, but JJ always loved to make her giggle.

He spends the next two hours keeping count in his head of how many giggles he can get out of her. He gets to 27 before she yawns and says she should head home.

-

About a week later JJ is horizontal on the porch couch when he sees a familiar truck pull into the chateau’s gravel driveway. He watches as Mr. Carrera parks the car, gets out and walks towards the porch. Carefully, he stubs out the joint he had just lit and places it on the side table next to an empty beer bottle.

JJ stands before Mike makes it to the door. “Mr. Carrera?”

“I thought we were past that. You know to call me Mike,” Mike says, stopping in his tracks just outside the screen door.

JJ steps to open the door. “Yes sir.”

“JJ, you don’t need to call me sir either.”

“Alright.” JJ nods, then pauses. “Kie’s not here.”

“I was actually looking for you. Do you have a few minutes?”

“Yeah, sure.” JJ gestures for Mike to come in, but Mike waves JJ outside instead.

“Walk with me, out on the dock,” Mike instructs.

JJ follows Mike out into the yard and down towards the water.

“I have something to talk to you about.”

JJ’s heart starts racing. Mike sounds serious, not stern, but like he has something of significance to say.

“Ok?”

Mike holds out an envelope. “Anna gave me this letter for you.”

JJ hesitantly reaches for it. “Ok?”

“I wasn’t sure when to give it to you. Anna said I could use my judgment.”

JJ shakes his head, feeling very confused as he looks at the letter in his hands.

“I haven’t read it, but I know what the general message is,” Mike continues. “I think you should read it when you have some time to yourself.”

“Alright…” JJ says uneasily. “I have to say, I’m surprised she had anything to say to me.” He flips the envelope over in his hands.

“I’m not.” Mike shakes his head slightly. “I imagine she, uh, she thought she would have had a lifetime of conversations with you.”

That gives JJ pause. He must mean when Kiara and JJ dated. He supposes he and Kie both made generalized statements about their future together and that Kiara’s parents may have even pictured their daughter married to him at one point. Although somewhat begrudgingly, Kie’s parents had accepted their relationship without too much resistance. JJ always figured they were secretly relieved by the break up.

“Oh right, well, I guess Kiara and I did think we’d be together forever, too. Probably like most 19 year olds think about their relationships.”

Now, at 26 years old, JJ has to remind himself his relationship with Kie was practically puppy love. Of course, they thought they were in love and would be together forever. That’s what most naive teenagers think. Once the reality of being adults hit them, they crumbled. Maybe Mike and Anna were right from the start, Kiara and JJ came from two different worlds and they had two different futures, JJ often reasoned to himself when he reflected on their breakup.

Mike shakes his head. “I don’t mean Anna thought that just when you and Kiara were dating,” he corrects JJ’s assumption. “I mean, she thought that until she got her diagnosis and realized her time would be cut short.”

“I don’t…” JJ trails off. “...Don’t understand,” he finishes quietly.

“Maybe this will help.” Mike holds out a small black box in his palm.

“What’s this?”

“Anna left it to you.”

JJ’s hand shakes as he reaches for the box. His fingers skim the black velvet and it dawns on him that it’s a jewelry box. He carefully opens it to find a large sparkling solitaire diamond on a thin gold band. His eyes jump from the ring to Mike and back to the ring. He thinks he’s seen this ring before, many times. On Anna’s left hand. Whenever she’d hand him a glass of sweet tea in the backyard and the sunlight shined off it or when she’d carefully place it in a small dish on the window sill above the Carrera’s kitchen sink when she cooked or cleaned.

“Anna… she- she left this to me?”

“Yes, son,” Mike confirms, putting a hand gently on JJ’s shoulder.

“Shouldn’t this go to Kie?”

“I think Anna was hoping one day it still will,” Mike explains with a soft smile, almost sad but also almost happy.

JJ’s not sure what getting struck by lightning feels like, but he thinks what his body is experiencing now is similar.

“Uh…” is all that comes out of his mouth.

“I’ll let you use your judgment for when that should be.”

“No. No, I can’t accept this,” JJ protests, firmly shutting the box and holding it out to Mike.

“JJ, I can take it back if you want me to. But I think you should take it. At least read Anna’s letter first. Then if you still want me to, I’m happy to hold on to it for you,” Mike offers.

“Kie… she has a boyfriend,” JJ comments, feeling dumb that is what he’s focusing on right now. But it feels like it matters… since her father is giving him an engagement ring for her.

Mike shifts his gaze from JJ out over the marsh. “Kie broke up with Connor a few days ago. But even if she dates someone else next, I’m sure that person will end up the same as all of them have… all of them who aren’t you.”

“Mr. Carrera,” JJ speaks in protest, then shakes his head. “I mean, Mike-”

“Listen JJ, maybe I’m giving this to you too soon, I don’t know. But I’ve come to realize that nothing is guaranteed. So we should let the ones we love know.” Mike makes sure to look JJ in the eye for the last part, adding gravity to his words.

JJ swallows. He nods slowly as Mr. Carrera starts to turn to walk back up the dock.

“I’ll talk to you later,” Mike calls over his shoulder.

Once Mike’s truck is out of view, JJ finally makes his way back up the dock to the porch, where he grabs the joint he set down earlier and heads inside. He places the letter and the ring box on the coffee table and stares at them as he lights up. After a few hits, he feels just as confused and the weed is doing nothing to calm the energy shooting through his nervous system.

Fifteen minutes later when John B and Sarah return home, JJ swipes the jewelry box off the table in an attempt to hide it. But John B’s eyes track the panicked movement.

“What’s that?” John B asks, spotting the jewelry box fisted in JJ’s hand.

JJ opens his hand so the box rests on his palm and stares at it. “Kie’s mom’s ring.”

“What?” John B questions.

“Mr. Carrera just gave it to me.”

“What?”

JJ lifts one shoulder in a half hearted shrug. “Apparently Anna left it to me.”

“Again, I ask what?”

“I don’t know.”

“Oh! My god!” Sarah yells with a squeal.

“Babe, my ears!” John B covers his ears from his spot next to Sarah.

“How thick is your skull?” Sarah asks, knocking a knuckle against John B’s forehead.

“Ow, babe.” John B winces, placing a hand over where she had only lightly tapped his head.

“It’s for JJ to propose with,” Sarah explains, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“Pfft, why would the Carrera’s think JJ is getting married?” John B asks, incredulously.

Sarah lets out an exasperated sigh. “They want JJ to propose to Kie.”

“That’s… that’s the wildest thing I think I’ve ever heard,” JJ struggles to put his thoughts into words. Even though he had understood that’s what Mike was saying, he couldn’t accept it as true.

“Yeah, seems pretty outlandish,” John B quickly agrees, before taking a reflective pause. “Although… maybe not.”

“Maybe?!” Sarah practically screeches. “There’s no maybe here. Anna wanted JJ to have the ring so he can give it to Kiara!”

“Shouldn’t Anna have left the ring to Kie so she can choose who gives it to her?” JJ asks.

Sarah’s eyes focus intently on JJ and he thinks she looks a little sad. There’s a moment of silence before she speaks. “Anna wanted you to know she would choose you for her daughter.”

“Fuck dude, I think Sarah’s right.” John B starts catching on to the reality of the situation.

“It feels a little… presumptuous, doesn’t it? I mean, Kie and I haven't been together in five years.”

“Anna doesn’t get to see her daughter walk down the aisle in a white dress and marry the love of her life.” Sarah’s eyes start to water a little. “But she did get to see her daughter fall in love… with you. She saw how much you guys loved each other,” she elaborates. “She wants that love for her daughter.”

“Loved. Past tense,” JJ points out. He feels like he has to do this a lot with his friends. They seem to always bring up his and Kie’s relationship as if it’s currently ongoing.

“Are you honestly telling me you haven’t felt something with Kie these past couple weeks?”

“It’s not… like… I…” JJ stutters through his protest, then he takes a deep breath and decides to be honest. “I always feel something with Kie. I guess… I’ve never not been in love with her.”

“JJ…” Sarah coos, sounding half excited and half heartbroken for him.

“It doesn’t matter though,” JJ quickly bites out.

“Dude, it definitely matters!” John B refutes with wide eyes.

“We broke up. She doesn’t want to be with me.” JJ sets the ring box down on the table with an air of finality.

John B squints one eye as he looks at JJ. “That is not exactly what happened.”

“Oh, we didn’t break up?” JJ snaps sarcastically. “So I’ve been dating Kie for the last five years without knowing it?”

John B rolls his eyes. “You broke up with her because you were hurt she was leaving.”

JJ crosses his arms. “It was mutual.”

“She wanted to be with you!” John B retorts. “You kept trying to break up with her so many times, what was she supposed to do?”

“Well she certainly didn’t have to move across the country and basically never come back!” JJ loudly exclaims.

“She never came back because you broke her heart,” Sarah responds, quietly, as if she’s afraid to say it.

JJ shuts his eyes and shakes his head. “No.”

“Oh, JJ,” Sarah sighs, eying him carefully. “Please tell me you know that.”

A heavy silence sinks over the room. John B and Sarah make eye contact. JJ knows the look they’re sharing is about him. Something between pity and sympathy. It makes him feel sick.

“You’re wrong,” JJ resolutely insists.

“Ok then. Sure, the breakup was ‘mutual,’” John B relents, using his fingers to make air quotes for the word ‘mutual’ before continuing. “And Kie’s parents want you to have Mrs. C’s ring because they think it would look good on you with all your other rings,” he finishes sarcastically.

JJ rolls his eyes. “That’s not what I’m saying.”

John B widens his eyes at JJ. “Of course not because that would make no sense, which is kind of, like, my whole point.”

Before JJ can respond, Sarah jumps in. “Listen, JJ, I think you should talk to Kie about this.”

“And say what?” JJ snaps. “Marry me?!”

He says it with bite, meaning it as a joke, but hearing those words from JJ makes Sarah smile regardless.

“Well I wouldn’t vote no to that. But, regardless of what you say, I know she’d be interested in hearing it.”

JJ scuffs his combat boots against the worn wooden floor. “I can’t deal with this right now.” He drops the ring box on the coffee table next to the still sealed envelope with JJ written in Anna’s loopy cursive. “I’m going for a ride,” he announces, already on his way out of the chateau to his motorcycle.

On his ride he finds himself driving by the Wreck. Kiara has been spending a lot of time there, keeping things running so her dad can take time off. Her grief has manifested itself in keeping herself busy and productive and protective over her remaining parent.

He tries to stop himself from staring into The Wreck, telling himself he’s just driving by, he didn’t purposefully take this route in an attempt to see her. But when he doesn’t see her, he circles back around at the end of the street to drive by again. On his third time passing by the restaurant, he finally turns in and parks in the lot.

When he steps in the front door, Kiara’s back is to him as she punches something into the register. He watches as she wipes her hand across her forehead to brush away stray curls that had fallen in her face. She turns and calls something out to the kitchen as one of the waiters approaches to ask her a question. The two of them walk across the restaurant as Kie explains something, her hands gesturing to demonstrate whatever point she’s making.

JJ hadn’t realized he was frozen to the spot and staring at Kie until one of the staff addresses him and he jumps a little, unaware someone had approached him.

“Hi, are you placing a to-go order tonight or can I show you to a seat?” a young blonde girl asks him. He vaguely recognizes her from his visits to the restaurant.

“Um…” JJ starts. “Does Kie have a section?”

The girl smiles knowingly at JJ and it makes him feel self conscious.

“Kiara’s not really waiting tables today, she just jumped in during the dinner rush,” the girl explains. “But if you sit at the bar she’s been helping out there the most,” she says with a wink.

“Thanks,” JJ mumbles as he walks over to the mostly empty bar.

When he sits down his back is now to Kiara and he has to tell himself not to turn around and look for her again. He’s starting to feel like a creepy stalker, but it’s hard for him to pry his eyes off of her. He feels like he’s 18 again and visiting her during one of her shifts. But he’s much more nervous now than he ever was at 18. When they were younger Kiara had made him feel anxious in an excited and happy way, but rarely in a truly nervous way.

He feels a hand brush his back. The gentle but confident touch is instantly recognizable. It’s like his whole body lights up with energy and yet relaxes at the same time.

“Maybank, hey,” Kiara greets as she slides past him to move behind the bar.

“Carrera.” He flashes a quick smile at her.

“Ordering food?” she asks.

He hadn’t planned to come here. He just found himself drawn to where Kie was most likely to be. He supposes he hasn’t eaten dinner yet so he might as well order some food and give himself a reason to be hanging around. A reason other than stalking his ex-girlfriend, that is.

“Yeah, I’ll have the shrimp and grits.”

Kiara nods and moves to punch the order into the register behind her. “And a coke?”

“Yes.” He fights through his nerves to make himself add, “plus whatever you want.”

Kiara glances over her shoulder at him.

“Have you eaten dinner yet?” he asks.

She twists her mouth to the side to stop a smile and it makes JJ’s stomach do a somersault. “No.”

“Well then take a break and eat with me,” he offers.

“I’m getting the lobster roll and an order of fries,” she announces. “Are you sure you can spot me? The lobster roll is the most expensive item on our menu,” she teases.

“Yeah well, I can add it to my tab and pay it off over time,” he jokes. “I know the guy who owns the place.”

A giggle bubbles out of Kiara and JJ feels like he just won a million bucks.

“Oh you do, do you?” Kiara responds playfully. “Because I also happen to know him and he seems like a hardass. Not the type to let someone run up a large tab.”

“Lucky for me, I know his weak spot,” JJ brags.

“Oh yeah, and what’s that?” Kiara asks, putting her elbows on the bar across from JJ and leaning towards him.

“Pretty sure he’d let his only daughter get away with whatever she wanted.”

Laughing, Kiara straightens up. “Yeah right. You must not know him like I do.”

“No, you just don’t know his daughter like I do.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, she could get away with whatever she wanted from anybody.”

Kiara lets out a disbelieving huff with a smile. “Sounds like a real winner.”

“She is.”

The bell signaling an order’s ready dings and Kiara turns to grab the order. She bounces around the restaurant for another five minutes until their order is ready and she takes a seat next to JJ.

After a couple minutes of eating in mostly silence, JJ speaks up.

“Sorry about Connor,” he mumbles.

Kiara tilts her head to the side and looks curiously at JJ.

“I heard about the breakup, I mean,” he clarifies.

“Hm.” Kiara pushes her lips together like she’s stopping herself from saying something.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it,” JJ tells her after a moment of silence. “We can talk about something else.”

“No, it’s not that. I’m surprised, that’s all.”

“Surprised that I’m sorry?”

“Not that,” she corrects, her eyes narrowing. “I haven’t really told anyone we broke up yet.”

JJ’s eyes dart away from her face and bounce around the restaurant. He had assumed she’d talked to John B or at least Sarah about it. Her dad had said they broke up a few days ago.

“Your dad mentioned it,” JJ admits.

“You talked to my dad?” Kiara questions. “About me?”

“He came over earlier today to give me… something. And he just mentioned it, offhand. He probably assumed I knew already or something,” JJ explains.

“Oh ok,” Kiara nods hesitantly.

Even though he’s telling the truth, he squirms under her gaze as though he’s lying to her. Leaving out the reason Mike came over feels like a lie. But he definitely cannot talk to her about it. She would think he was crazy. Even though, technically, he’s not the crazy one. Her parents are the crazy ones for thinking it’s even a possibility that he and Kie would get married.

“Yeah, I did talk to my dad about it after he found me crying in the kitchen the other day.” Kiara wipes away a ring of moisture on the bar with her napkin.

Mike had said that Kie broke up with Connor. JJ wonders now if that means she did the dumping or maybe it was Connor. He studies her face as if he can find the answer, but Kiara’s hard to read when she has her walls up. He decides against asking that question but takes up another question that’s been eating at him since Mike’s visit.

“So since you quit your job and you aren’t with Connor anymore, do you still plan on going back to Miami?”

“Nah, I’m going to stay here for now.”

“So… just for now?”

“Well I don’t know. It depends.” Kiara pushes a couple fries around on her plate.

“What does it depend on?”

“Lots of things.”

“Like what?”

“Like how long my dad wants my help, and if I find something else I want to do here,” she explains.

“So mostly work stuff?”

“I guess,” Kie lifts a shoulder in a half shrug.

JJ fiddles with his straw wrapper, folding it up like a tiny accordion.

“And some other things too,” Kiara adds, eying JJ carefully.

He flicks his eyes back up to hers.

“It’s been nice being able to spend time with Sarah, John B, Pope, and-” she pauses for a breath, “and you again.”

“Yeah,” JJ nods in agreement.

“And I don’t know if I want to live far away from my dad again either. It’s just him and me now and I don’t want to take him for granted, you know,” Kie explains. “Sometimes I think I took my mom for granted.”

“She knew you loved her, Kie. Just because you had your differences, doesn’t mean you did anything wrong,” JJ assures her.

Kie nods then pushes her plate of mostly finished food away from her. A waiter comes to clear it and JJ fiddles some more with the straw of his coke.

“She wrote me a letter. Your mom did,” JJ admits. “That’s what your dad stopped by to give me today.”

“Really?” Kie asks, but not sounding all that surprised.

“I haven’t read it yet. Maybe it’s a list of suggestions. You know, everything she was always reminding me of…” he puts on a sweet southern drawl while continuing, “drive carefully, wear your helmet, take your muddy boots off at the door, bring Kiara back by curfew, stay out of trouble, do your homework.”

“She really did have a lot of rules to live by,” Kie says fondly.

They spend the next hour reminiscing about Anna reprimanding them for stupid stuff they did as teenagers.

“By the way, did I ever tell you that she definitely knew you were sneaking into my room at night?”

“No way! How?!”

“I heard her tell the gardener one day to make sure the lattice on the side of the porch was secure. Then she mumbled something about how the last thing she needed was a midnight trip to the hospital because her daughter’s boyfriend broke a limb while climbing it.”

“I can’t believe she knew!” JJ exclaims.

Kie nods. “I can’t believe she knew and didn’t ground me for it.”

“I guess Anna was full of surprises…” JJ thinks about the unopened letter and ring box sitting on the coffee table back at the chateau.

—

Later that week, JJ puts on a nice t-shirt and pants with no holes or frayed edges and he drives his truck to the Carrera’s house when he knows Kie will be home. He grabs a bundle of wildflowers from his front seat that he’d carefully selected earlier and walks to the front door. He makes himself knock hard and fast before he chickens out.

A few seconds later, Kiara swings the front door open wide. “Hey,” she says with a small smile.

“Hi Kiara,” JJ greets.

“What’re you doing here?” she asks casually.

“These are for you.” JJ holds out the colorful flowers.

Kiara looks down at the bouquet and then back up at JJ, expression blank and not reaching to take them from him.

“Ok, you don’t like the flowers?” he asks, hesitantly.

His eyes land on Mike who is lingering behind Kiara, watching from down the hall. He nods encouragingly at JJ.

Tracking JJ’s gaze, Kie looks over her shoulder to find her dad watching them. She turns back to JJ and steps out onto the porch with him, shutting the door behind her.

“It’s not the flowers. Just, why are you giving me flowers?” Kiara asks, shaking her head slightly.

“I, uh, wanted to ask you something.” JJ holds the flowers out to her again.

Kie takes the flowers but looks at them with suspicion. “JJ, what is going on? You’re acting strange.”

JJ takes a deep breath. Kie has to make things difficult, he thinks to himself.

“Are you free on Friday?” he asks.

Kiara bites her bottom lip as she stares at JJ. “Free for what?”

“Free for…” he mumbles and then pauses before asking, “can I take you to dinner?”

“Are you… are you asking me out?”

“Trying to!” JJ exclaims, exasperated. “You’re not making it easy.”

A laugh bubbles out of Kiara. “Well that’s because you’re acting all formal and it’s weird!”

“Well would you rather I send a text asking you to Netflix and chill?”

“Nah, but I’d be happy with an invite out on the HMS Pogue and maybe a beer and a joint.”

JJ stares at her. That was their first date, senior year of high school. At the time he wasn’t sure she considered it a date but when he tried kissing her and she let him, he finally realized maybe they were on the same page after all.

“Kie…” he says softly.

Slowly Kie reaches out and takes JJ’s hands in hers. “J, if you want to try this again, then my answer is yes, I want to go out with you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Kie nods. “I’ve missed you,” she adds in a whisper, flicking her eyes shyly at the ground.

“I missed you too. Like hell.”

And JJ figures he should find a safe place for that ring. Because he knows without a doubt he’ll be on a knee and holding it out to her one day. He doesn’t know if she realizes it yet but he’s never been more sure of something in his whole life.