Chapter Text
Sonny Carisi was stretched out on the bed, eyes closed as he listened to the sound of the shower in the bathroom down the hallway. Two exhausted little girls were finally asleep in their beds, and their mother was taking an extra long shower. They were going to have to talk about what had happened. Truth be told, he still had no idea what the hell he was going to say, so he was grateful for the extra time to think. The girls had been frightened of the ‘monsters’ in their closet, but when Amanda had come charging into their bedroom with her gun drawn, their fear had shifted. While he knew that they weren’t afraid of her, her reaction had terrified them. He’d taken the gun from her and pulled her into his arms, feeling her body shake from the adrenaline, but she’d held it together. When Amanda had moved to go and cuddle with her daughters, he had quietly left for a moment to put the gun away. Once things had settled down a little he could tell that Jesse was worried, while Billie was confused and more convinced than ever that there really was a monster if her mother had needed her gun to protect them. Between his guarantees that there were no monsters (though he’d put his ‘monster spray’ on the dresser at Billie’s insistence) and Amanda’s soft assurances and back rubs, both girls had eventually drifted off as he read them a couple of extra bedtime stories.
She’d scared the hell out of him tonight, both the fact that she’d pulled a gun on a battery-operated toy in the closet, and the look in her eyes when she’d realized what she’d done. The thought of her heading off to work tomorrow with her gun on her hip was less than comforting. Her erratic behavior made him want to call her captain right now to tell her what had happened, but he forced himself not to overreact. He’d been treating Amanda so gently in every way since the shooting, but he knew that he was going to have to switch tactics. While she was doing her best to pretend that she was fine, there had been signs before tonight that she wasn’t okay. She’d been acting anxious but keeping him at arm’s length, not wanting to talk about how she was feeling after the shooting, and she was often lost in her own world. He missed the woman he’d fallen in love with, the one with an easy laugh, wicked sense of humor and fire in her eyes. There were glimmers of her from time to time, so he knew she was still in there somewhere. He couldn’t make her talk to him, but he wouldn’t let her skip therapy anymore
When she’d been shot a couple of months ago, and he’d thought he might lose her, the pain had been so intense that he was sure that he wouldn’t survive, that his heart would cease beating the moment hers did. His heart had belonged to Amanda Rollins for years, more years than he cared to admit. Mercifully she had pulled through, and while her physical wound was healing well enough that she’d returned to work full-time, it was painfully clear that her emotional trauma was only getting worse.
When Amanda finally came into the room, her damp hair swept up in a clip and robe loosely tied around her waist, he could tell from her swollen eyes that she’d been crying. She looked so sad and vulnerable that he wondered if maybe this night would be a breakthrough for her. Maybe she would stop suppressing so much. “Just looked in on the girls. They’re still fast asleep, thank goodness.”
“Good. I didn’t hear a sound from them while you were in the shower. Hopefully the monster spray will do the trick.” He smiled at her and was rewarded with a small smile in return, but her eyes were full of tears. “Come ‘ere.” Amanda joined him on the bed, snuggling close as he gathered her in his arms.
“Sonny, I don’t know what came over me. There was no doubt in my mind that someone else was in the apartment. I didn’t even stop to think.”
“What were you thinking when you opened up the gun safe?” he asked gently.
“It’s like I was on autopilot. I didn’t realize what was happening until you came over and put your hand on my arm. What the hell kind of damage am I doing to my daughters? My God.” The last words came out as a gasp, and Carisi tightened his embrace, doing his best to soothe her as she cried. She was in such pain, and he felt powerless to help her. His own tears fell into the dampness of her hair.
“Amanda, it’s gonna be okay. The girls will be okay.”
“How do you know that?” She looked up at him with tears streaking down her cheeks. He gently wiped them away. “I’ve always worried so much about them, all of the things that could happen to hurt them. I never imagined I would need to protect them from myself. What if you hadn’t been here? ”
“I’m here, so don’t worry about that. And they don’t need to be protected from you. They know you were trying to protect them. But, Amanda…you need to stop missing your therapy appointments.”
“Those therapy appointments aren’t doing any good. The doctor doesn’t even understand me.”
“Amanda, you still need to go. She can help you work through some of this stuff. If tonight didn’t convince you of that….”
“Sonny, what if I’m really losing it?”
“You’re not losing it. You’ve been to hell and back. Give yourself time. Maybe you should talk to Liv about what happened. Maybe you went back too soon.” They’d been here before, but he really felt like she had pushed for clearance to go back to work in order to avoid facing her emotional pain.
“Liv doesn’t need to know about this,” she insisted, pulling away from him. “And I need to be at work. Why should this be different from any other work injury? The doctor cleared me to go back.”
“I know that.” He sat up, reaching for her hands. “Look, please go to therapy. Do it for the girls and me. More importantly, do it for yourself. I love you, Amanda, and right now I’m so afraid for you.”
“I was shot in the stomach and survived, Sonny. The worst is over.” She said it firmly, but the doubt was written all over her pretty features.
“Is it?” Her eyes met his, her tears overflowing once again, and he leaned down to kiss them away before kissing her lips softly. Their tears intermingled as their kisses became more passionate, and she gripped him like she was holding on for dear life. He released her hair from the clip, sending her blonde hair tumbling onto her shoulders in damp waves as he ran his fingers through it. Their tongues met, moving together in a dance they’d perfected, and for a while everything felt ok as they lost themselves in each other. It was only recently that Amanda’s wound had healed enough for them to be able to start rekindling their intimacy, and while he wanted her more than ever, his concern over hurting her had definitely cooled his libido a bit. He’d almost lost her, but his relief over her recovery felt short-lived, because it seemed like she was slipping away from him all the same.
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