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One of Saki’s earliest memories was the pegasus plush she made for Tsukasa. At least, it was meant to be a pegasus.
The legs were misshapen, one leg slightly longer than the rest, and charmingly crooked. Its wings flared out, just as grand as the boy she had made it for.
It had taken her small hands hours of work to finish, with a lot of assistance from their parents, who had promised her that they would keep it a secret. She had finished sewing on the last golden button (golden eyes, like her dear older brother’s) just as Tsukasa’s 8th birthday rolled around.
“Saki, is this for me?” Tsukasa hovers over the gold-wrapped present, hands stopping just shy of touching it.
“It is your birthday, after all. Who else would it be for other than my dear older brother?”
“Oh, Saki, you’re too kind.”
Tsukasa opens the present, pulling off the silky red ribbon and laying it aside, probably to put in some keepsakes box. The lid comes off and the pegasus comes out, its colors pale under the sharp glare of the fluorescent hospital lights, an angry slash of white seared over the buttons’ polished rim. Oh, Saki had spent so long picking out the most perfect golden buttons and rubbing a little cloth over them, and now the stupid hospital lighting was ruining their shine.
She gave a little huff of annoyance. Stupid, stupid hospital.
“It’s so beautiful!” Tsukasa holds the stuffed pegasus above his head as if it would miraculously catch the light. “Where did you get this?”
Here it was, the grand reveal!
“I made it myself, actually. Didn’t I do a good job?” Saki smiles eagerly, still too small to realize that Tsukasa was only indulging her.
“No way! It looks like it came from that fancy toy shop at the mall, are you really sure you made it yourself?” Tsukasa blinks comically at her, turning the pegasus over in his hands, running his fingers over the uneven gold stitches.
“Yup!” Saki pauses. “Well, I had a little help. But most of it is handmade by your dear younger sister!”
“Saki… you’re too kind. I’ll cherish this for the rest of my life. Thank you so much!”
Tsukasa leans over the hospital bed and hugs her, careful not to tangle up Saki’s IV lines.
Saki struggles to hold onto the next bits of that gold-tinted memory, remembering only a bright smile and warmth. She’s revisited this particular memory so many times that it’s worn at the edges, like a well-loved, dog-eared book.
She shakes off the lingering smile and goes to another one.
“Where are you taking my pegasus!?”
Saki’s sitting on the couch, watching some cooking special on TV and absentmindedly braiding her hair, when Tsukasa rushes by, small legs working fast to catch up to their mother. She’s holding a large laundry basket, clothes spilling over the top in bright splotches of color.
“Your pegasus is dirty, so it’s time to wash him. I’ll have him back to you in half a day, promise.”
“But— but if you wash him, then his sparkle will go away!”
Their mother bends down to Tsukasa’s height. She doesn’t have to bend that far. He’s growing fast, Saki thinks suddenly. About to enter middle school, while Saki is still in elementary school.
“Tsukasa, his sparkle won’t go away any time soon. You know why? It’s because Saki made your pegasus out of a special kind of cloth, one that keeps its sparkle. And I’ll let you in on a little secret, come closer.”
Tsukasa leans closer to their mother, hands grasping at her shirt.
“Washing actually makes your pegasus sparkle even more.”
Saki laughs from the couch, and Tsukasa whips around to look at her, cheeks flush with embarrassment. He huffs, and Saki is suddenly reminded that she loves her brother very, very much. She knows this, but the thought still sneaks up on her every now and then. It comes up at times when they bake together and Tsukasa spills flour over himself, times when Tsukasa remembers to sit down with her to watch her favorite variety show, times when Tsukasa lets Saki dress him up in frilly laces and put bows in his hair. Saki remembers, for the umpteenth time, just how much her brother loves her.
She turns back to the TV, not bothering to hide her smile.
Saki wipes that one away, too, meaning to really focus on her homework this time, she’s got to get it done, but another thought rises quickly to her mind, so Saki decides to indulge herself.
This memory isn’t exactly her favorite, but it’s important, and she keeps it close like a precious trinket.
“Tsukasa, did the doctors say when I’ll be out of the hospital?”
“No, not yet. They aren’t saying much, only that you’ll need to go on another medication to avoid a relapse.”
Saki pauses. Underneath the sterile white sheets, her pale fingers clench the hem of her hospital gown. She looks down and blinks furiously, trying to stifle the tears stinging her eyes.
Her hospital gown has stars on it, she realizes.
They were so small they looked like dots, but now that she’s looking closer, she can see that they’re tiny stars. Blue ones.
A dark wet circle forms on top of one of the stars. Fuck.
Saki’s 13 already, and she still can’t hold back her tears. How weak of her.
“Saki… it’s going to be okay, alright?”
A bubble rises in her throat and she throws Tsukasa’s hand off of her, tears spilling hotly down her face. She’s given up on trying to hold it back now.
“No, stop that! It’s not going to be alright. This is the… the third time I’ve been stupid and landed myself in the hospital this year, and I don’t want to be back! I don’t want to be in this stupid ugly hospital gown, and I don’t want to eat the stupid yucky hospital food, and I don’t want the stupid hospital visits!”
Saki curls up into a ball, scrubbing the heel of her hands over her face in a desperate attempt to wipe her tears off. Her breath is tight in her throat and she’s hiccuping as she sobs, gasping for breath and she can’t see, either, her tears blur her vision until all she can see are the harsh hospital lights and a blob of yellow-orange floating in front of her.
Right, Saki thinks. Tsukasa’s still here.
“Saki, I’m sorry.” Tsukasa pauses, and Saki can just tell that he’s searching for something to say, knows it. She hates it when people do that. She tells them about her condition and all of a sudden their body curls inward and they look anywhere but her face and say ‘I’m sorry’, stupidly, as if any of it is their fault.
“Don’t say that,” Saki says, meaning for it to come out sharp and hurtful because she wants to hurt Tsukasa right now, as bad as it sounds, wants him to feel her pain and how she hurts and wants him to know what it feels like to be so, so alone. It comes out gasp-y and pathetic instead, voice choked with tears and desperation, and Saki marvels at the fact that even her voice can be pathetic right now.
“Saki, I’m sorry I don’t know how to comfort you sometimes. And… and I’m sorry I don’t always know what to say to help you out. I guess that was why I tried so hard to make you smile when I was younger. I figured, if I couldn’t comfort you when you were crying, I could at least try and make you smile more often.”
Her anger quickly slips into the burning shame of guilt. It’s a different kind of choking, one that makes her already tear-stained face flush with embarrassment. How could she be so selfish? All she ever does is think of herself, only herself, and here Tsukasa is practically devoting himself to his sister, and she has the audacity to continue taking from him. Weekends spent entertaining her at the hospital that should have been spent with whatever friends he had, money spent for gifts for her that should have gone to buy what Tsukasa wanted… The possibilities stretch on. Another tear slips down her cheek.
“I’m so sorry, Tsukasa.” Saki whispers, face turned away from him. She’s consumed with guilt, so embarrassed that she can’t even look at him.
“Saki… sorry for what?” Tsukasa sounds a little confused, so genuine that the sound splits her heart into a thousand irreparable pieces. She can hear it, and almost flinches. “Don’t be sorry, Saki. It’s not— none of this— none of this is your fault, okay? I promise, from the bottom of my heart.”
A pause. Saki doesn’t respond. Her shoulders shake uncontrollably as another tear slips down her face.
“Saki?”
“Okay.” Saki whispers back. She could never ignore Tsukasa.
“Can you… can you talk to me? Please?” Tsukasa puts a hand on her shoulder, gently, and Saki shakes harder. She’s cold in her paper-thin hospital gown, but Tsukasa’s hand is a bright point of warmth, something she can gravitate towards. Saki turns around, pressing the tips of her fingers into her thighs until her nails dig into her skin.
Tsukasa looks absolutely wrecked. His eye bags are more prominent than ever, and his hair and clothes, things he usually takes so much pride in being neat as possible, are messy and disheveled. Saki trembles. Even the way he looks is her fault.
They look at each other for a length of time that Saki can’t measure, Saki looking hesitantly into Tsukasa’s eyes and him staring steadily back into hers. His hand is still on her shoulder, and Saki finds herself subconsciously leaning into his touch. He’s warm, so warm.
Wordlessly, Tsukasa opens his arms and Saki falls into him, burying her face to where he can’t see it.
“Tsukasa, I’m scared.” Saki lets out a sob, feeling like she’s free to confess whatever she likes, secrets kept by the circle of Tsukasa’s arms. “I’m so scared, I’m so scared.”
Tsukasa says nothing, opting to keep rubbing soothing circles on Saki’s back. She sniffles, trying to avoid dirtying his sweater.
“I feel so dumb, I keep landing myself in the hospital, no matter how hard I try to stay healthy and sleep a lot and eat vegetables I always end up back here, I hate it here, Tsukasa, I hate it here.”
It keeps spilling out, all these burdens Saki told herself she would shoulder alone, here she is, burdening Tsukasa with her problems again, and here he is again, faithfully supporting her.
“I miss Ichika and Honami and Shiho so much, Tsukasa. I miss them so much, sometimes I wonder if they’ve forgotten about me and just decided to never come back, decided that I was too much of a burden. With me, we couldn’t ride exciting roller coasters at the amusement park, couldn’t buy things that had too much sugar, couldn’t participate in sports festivals together… I was just a burden to them. I could understand why they would decide to never visit me again.”
“Do you want… to keep going, or…?” Tsukasa asks. His voice trembles, as if he’s scared too, but why would he be?
“Yeah, I’ll keep going.” It’s easier to talk now, Saki’s working through the knot in her throat that always pushes at her stomach whenever she tries to talk to anyone about all of her burdens.
“Take your time.”
“Tsukasa, I miss my friends so much it hurts. I’ve cycled through so many emotions thinking about them, you have no idea. Anger, confusion, hurt, frustration, love, acceptance, denial, it’s so tiring. I miss them so much.”
“Saki, I’m sure your friends didn’t forget about you. They’re waiting for you, I’m sure of it.”
“Even if what you said is true, I just…”
“Yes?”
Saki hesitates. Chokes up a little.
“Why couldn’t I have been normal?”
“Saki, there’s no such thing as normal.”
“Don’t— don’t tell me that! I thought I told you not to say that! You know what I mean.”
“No, I don’t. Explain it to me.”
“Like, like normal in the way that I can go to school and play sports and eat sweets and hang out with friends, normal in the way that I see on TV and read in books. Normal like Ichika and Honami and Shiho, normal like…”
“Normal like…?”
“Normal like you, Tsukasa. Sometimes, I’m so jealous of you. Sometimes I hate you, I wish the most awful things. I wish that you had this stupid condition instead of me, I wish that you would forget about me, I wish that you had to feel how lonely and hurt I am, stuck in this stupid hospital, day after day. I know it makes me an awful, despicable person. I hate myself too.” Saki pauses, tears running down her face. She’s shaking quietly, but her voice is steady as she says: “Say you hate me.”
“No, Saki, I could never hate you.”
“Say it. Say it, I deserve it, okay? Don’t do this righteous stuff with me, okay? Say you hate me! I just told you that I wished you were dead! Why don’t you hate me!?”
Saki breaks off, she’s halfway to screaming, held back by the desperate gasping noises she can’t seem to stop making. She’s lost control over herself, and it’s the worst feeling in the world, hands and arms and torso shaking violently within Tsukasa’s arms as she sobs and begs him to hate her, just as much as she hates herself.
“Saki… Saki, listen to me. Listen, I’m not going to say I hate you, alright? Don’t say that.”
Saki says nothing, shivering. The cold air bites her ankles and nips her ears. Her hands are cold as they grasp at the edge of Tsukasa’s sweater.
“I have to tell you, I’m nowhere near normal. I’m not… I’m not this shining older brother you think I am. You always think I have lots of friends, when in reality, that’s not true at all. Nobody at school talks to me. They all think I’m a weirdo, that I’m too loud or too annoying. Sometimes, I wish… sometimes, I wish I were dead too.”
Saki lets out a choked sob at this, curling up tighter within his arms, as if she can soak up any more of his warmth.
“But you make my life worth living, Saki. It always makes me happier knowing that whatever I do can make you smile, because that’s what an older brother is meant to do, right? So even if in real life, I’m not ‘normal’ or somebody as perfect as you think I am, I can pretend that I am that person around you, and I know that someone loves me for who I am. Don’t ever, ever undervalue how much you mean to me.”
Saki pulls back from his embrace and finds that Tsukasa’s crying now, too, tears flowing down his face. He sniffs and reaches out to wipe at Saki’s tears. Tsukasa smiles at her, not his usual bright and charming smile, but one that crinkles his eyes like paper and makes them shine at her, and then is it that Saki knows that Tsukasa truly does love her, could never hate her.
She pulls him in tighter, as close as possible.
“Hey, you know what reminds me most of you?” Tsukasa asks, a teasing smile on his face.
Saki laughs through her tears, playing along. “No, what is it?”
Tsukasa reaches into his bag and pulls out a weathered stuffed pegasus, with the golden stitching falling out in places, one dull gold button dangling from the face. Saki sobs out a laugh, reaching for the stuffed animal.
“You still have this? I thought it disappeared years ago.”
“It’s been in my room forever. It’s my favorite keepsake.”
Not just ‘one of his favorites’, or ‘a favorite’ keepsake. Tsukasa’s favorite keepsake.
And then, as if that isn’t enough to make Saki tear up again, she notices how gently he’s cradling the stuffed animal, and notices how he’s attempted to sew it back up again. She can’t believe he treasured her silly little gift that much, and the thought warms her from the inside out.
Tsukasa notices her soft smile, and presses a kiss to her temple.
“I love you, you know, right? You’re my younger sister, and I would do anything for you.”
Saki laughs again, rubbing tears out of the corners of her eyes. “I love you too, Tsukasa. You’re the best older brother I could ever ask for.”
Saki smiles to herself. It’s pointless to try and focus on homework now.
She gets up and makes her way to Tsukasa’s room, trailing her fingers along the bookcase. One, two knocks.
“Come in!”
“Hey, do you still have that stuffed pegasus?” Saki asks, eyes moving across the bookcases. They stop at the very top, where a sparkling stuffed pegasus sits, fresh buttons sewn on and wings delicately propped up. She smiles.
Tsukasa reaches up and grabs it, handing the pegasus to her.
“Any specific reason you wanted it now?”
“Just revisiting some bittersweet memories,” Saki replies, fiddling with the toy pegasus. She looks up and is met with Tsukasa’s charming smile.
The knowledge sneaks up on her, again, just how much she loves her brother.