Chapter Text
KAVEH’S CRIME LOGS
BY AETHER & PAIMON
Assisted by Tighnari, Cyno, Collei, Dehya and Dori
KEY
P = PAIMON!! :DDDDD
A = AETHER!! :DDDDD
K = Kaveh :// (not on the doc though what a sore LOSER -P)
AH = Al-Haitham :/// (^)
CY = Cyno 👍
T = Tighnari
CO = Collei
D = Dori
DE = Dehya
CA = Candace (she doesn’t have time to work on this doc but she has access -A)
Point 1: Weirdly Observant of Al-Haitham’s Muscles
Kaveh reportedly has pointed out Al-Haitham’s muscles multiple times, according to Cyno and Tighnari , and also did so to us
-A
EX 1/2:
(Context: Literally the first time meeting K )
K : Hey, don’t you think it’s weird that Haitham has biceps? Why’s he so strong? He’s a scribe who writes for a living, how does he have time to maintain them?!
P : Well a scribe writes a lot which means his arms must be reallllly strong because he uses his hand a lot, right?
A : That's not how it works…
K : I wish that was the logic because I would have just as many muscles as him… but alas, he thinks just because he has the physical upper hand, he thinks he can boss me around and be all pretentious! What is he, a 7-year-old?!
EX 2/2:
(Context: Cyno , Collei and Tighnari invited Kaveh to a meal)
{Account given by Collei : mainly paraphrased, only sure parts are underlined}
K: Seriously, why is Al-Haitham so strong? You’d expect some annoying guy that’s reading a book or writing all day to be the skinniest noodle alive but you get a guy with stupid strong biceps and toned muscles! He even wears a shirt that purposely outlines it, it’s like he wants to flaunt how hot he is .
CY: *raises eyebrow*
K : I-It's^ not like I find him hot, he’s the most insufferable roommate on Teyvats green Earth, but you have to admit you sometimes find yourself staring at his muscles from time to time!
T: …No?
K : …Well at least most people do!
T : I don’t think anybody I know does?
K: Well. Maybe I’ve been talking to a different crowd of people. A-Also^ it’s not in a romantically or sexually attracted way! I’m just admiring the work he put into getting those!
(mhm, sureee -P)
^ The stutter in these 2 parts is important because im 90% his face was red -T
Also the heterosexuality reinforcement sounded like an afterthought to not liking Al-Haitham
CONCLUSION (K->AH):
- Finds him hot (denies it)
- Stares at his muscles (seriously? -P)
Point 2: Finding Any Way to Bring Al-Haitham Into a Conversation
Kaveh finds any way to bring Al-Haitham into a conversation, usually talking poorly of him, but nobody in their right mind would be that obsessed over their so-called sworn enemy! Why would he even live in the same house as him if he hates him that much?
-P
EX ⅓:
(Context: Same as Point 1 Example 2)
Apparently, according to T, CY & CO , K ranted about AH the entire dinner
Cyno’s note: I am not recalling the essay worth of complaints for this strange document
EX ⅔:
(Context: According to Dori, “We started talking about professional stuff and he started ranting about his dumb roommate or whatever an our conversation never got back on track!”)
{Account given by Dori … take it with a grain of salt but at least it got the message across? -A}
D: *blah blah blah business stuff*
K : Yeah ok cool have you heard of my roommate with ^hot rippling abs I hate him so much I hope he dies a painful death in the deepest depths of hell because he is a self-righteous little prick and did I mention how much I hate him I want to cave his skull in with his own dendro vision because if that ^hot asshole
^ He didn’t actually say that but it sure seemed like it did with how he said his actual hate rant -D
Thank god he didn’t actually say that -A
Wish he did it’d be great blackmail material easy mora -D
..Could this document count as blackmail? -T
Don’t give Dori any ideas. -Cy
Would this be believable blackmail though? Could we reallllyyy milk some bucks out of Kaveh? -P
I like ur thinking Paimon + we have the General Mahamatra on the doc who wouldn’t believe it -D
I am not associated with any of you -Cy
:( -T+CO
Except you 2 -Cy
WOW OK I SEE HOW IT IS -P
EX 3/3:
(Context: P+A were just trying to talk with K and then boom the convo is about AH )
A: Haha, Paimon sometimes puts too much ketchup on her french fries and complains when it tastes too much like ketchup
K : OH that reminds me of when Haitham reprimanded me for double dipping when we were the only 2 eating. He wouldn’t shut up about how it was unsanitary and the dramatic lunatic got his own ketchup just because he couldn’t eat fries when thinking of my saliva in it or something! What’s wrong with him?! Is he gonna cry himself to sleep about how kissing is unsanitary because your tongue’s shoved into the other guy’s mouth or whatever you do?
P: Guys?
K: No what do you mean I said girls!^
^He said it more like nowhatdoyoumeanisaidgirlshaahahahah!! with how fast he talked but that's hard to read. Also he stuttered at least 3 times in the sentence -A
Did he really try to gaslight you two instead of just saying it was gender neutral or he said it instinctively -D
Those other options would also still be eyebrow-raising -T
True -De
CONCLUSION:
- Kaveh’s head is literally full to the brim with his “roommate” archons there's no saving him -D
- Guys is it normal for me to constantly bring up my “roommate” at any given time to people i’m talking to in order to slander him even though I still live with him -P
Don’t you mean girls Paimon -A
💀-DE
Point 3: He is Incredibly Horrible at Pretending He’s Heterosexual
As already demonstrated in previous points, Kaveh’s speciality is definitely not trying to cover up his attraction to the same gender. Especially regarding Al-Haitham.
EX ⅕:
Point 1 Example 2
EX ⅖:
Point 2 Example 3
EX ⅗:
This is a slot for every single example already in the doc besides those extremely obvious ones because no straight man in Teyvat acts like Kaveh does when some scribe’s name is involved
Hey guys isn’t it funny how there’s been no Al-Haitham dialogue in any of our examples so far -D
Waittt why isn’t he on the doc too I thought this was only secret to Kaveh -P
That ruins the entire point of the doc, Paimon -A
OH -P
EX ⅘:
He literally always defaults to he/him while (rarely) talking about romance -T
Here are around 4 snapshots within one example because dear lord
K->AH: If you had to take someone on a date in Sumeru city, where would you take him ?
K->A: The local café’s honestly a solid spot for a date. Haven’t done that myself because romance won’t make my architecture skills any better, but if I ever had a bo —girlfriend, I'd take hi— HER to there a lot.
K->T: I need any future girlfriends of mine to let me make him multiple questionable buildings and endorse them
K->C: If I ever get a girlfriend and she’s not my sugar daddy it’s over because I’m the starving artist trope
Man was so close to not using any masculine terms for one sentence but used sugar daddy in the end -DE
EX 5/5:
(Context: DE caught K staring at AHs (who was too immersed with his book) abs from across the room ( DE and K just met)
{Account given by Dehya}
DE: Is that your boyfriend?
K: Yeah
DE: Oh, that’s great. You two look made for each other
K: * sits there for 5 seconds before realizing*^
K: WAIT NONONONO I THOUGHT YOU SAID BEST FRIEND NOT THAT WE ARE NOT TOGETHER
AH: We are together though?^
K: HUHHH???????
DE: ???
AH: We’re roommates? We live together?
K: OH YEAH ROOMMATES WE ARE THAT
^He got so red the second he realized and then became a literal tomato when Al-Haitham said the thing -D
If I ever die blame it on these 2 -P
Conclusion :
- I hate Kaveh with a burning passion -CY
- (he does not) -T
Other Notes:
- How in Rex Lapis’ are they living together when they’re complaining about each other daily?! -P
- Hey Al Haitham why are you as a early 20s male doing inviting your former senior at the Akademiya to live with you for free after he went broke -DE
- Al-Haitham is a specimen that needs to be inspected under a microscope -T
- Everyday the Kaveh theory that Al-Haitham is just an android built from Snezhnaya becomes more and more believable -A
Extra example (This literally just happened) -CY
K : I saw the text Animal Horn on some paper in Haitham’s room and I read it as Al-Haitham and got confused until I realized it said Animal Horn
No way that happened -P
I assure you it did -CY
Can confirm -T
He’s down bad -A
He’s underground -D
The next day, Paimon held The Confrontation. This was the moment that would change their (really just Kaveh’s, really) lives for the rest of eternity. It’s vital for this to go right or else all their work on that god-forsaken doc would be for nothing.
It’s not like Paimon liked meddling, especially with love lives due to how stupidly complicated emotions are and whatnot, but sometimes it’s needed for the greater good. And the first part was a lie. Are you really travelers if you don’t meddle around a bit? Be a little silly?
Anyways, back to your regularly scheduled program. The Confrontation.
The day after they finished their evidence-gathering, Paimon made Aether gather everyone at Gandharva Ville , and surprisingly, all of the people on the document (and Kaveh) agreed to go. Even the ones on the busier scale, such as Cyno and Dori. Cyno most likely went just because Tighnari wanted him to have some fun, but Dori went because she wanted to try the blackmail scheme to try milking the architect’s hard-earned mora. “Business is business”, she says.
Paimon and Aether went into the room they told the others to meet up 10 minutes early, quickly followed by Tighnari, Cyno and Collei (who looked like the two’s adopted child). The 5 talked a bit before Dehya and eventually Dori appeared on the dot. The only person missing from the room was the star of the show. Kaveh himself.
They waited for a minute or two conversing before Paimon, ever so impatient, began to complain. “Seriously, what’s taking that guy so long?”
“Probably lost track of the time,” Dori shrugged, “who wants to bet on how long he takes?”
Cyno sent a glare at Dori, only not getting on her case because the traveler and Paimon begged him not to. “We are not betting over this.”
The mora-hungry merchant groaned, forgetting the presence of the mahamatra. “Spoil-sport.”
“He’s definitely being held up by Al-Haitham.” Tighnari said, taking a seat with a cup of water in hand to the right of Collei at the long, rectangular table that held 8 seats on both sides, but the group just decided to sit next to each other with 4 people on each side.
“Wanna bet on it?” Dori grinned before being lightly slapped on the head by the person sitting on the right of her, Cyno. “Hey!”
Cyno, who was sitting on the other side of Collei, simply huffed. “Did I not make myself clear? No. We are not doing any betting.”
Dori blew a raspberry at the mahamatra, which led to Paimon on the opposite side who was floating next to Aether’s seat giggling.
Soon, 5 more minutes passed.
10.
“Where in the world is that guy?” Cyno sighed, checking the time.
15
Aether started tweaking the document.
20.
“I could be gaining so much mora right now.” Dori whined\
25.
Kaveh FINALLY showed up after almost half an hour of the others waiting.
The sound of someone running in the halls to the room was heard by everyone present.
“There he is,” Dehya clapped, “the man of the hour.”
Right after she finished her sentence, the door was slammed open by a heavily breathing blonde. “Sorry,” pant , “f-for th,” pant, “the lateness.” pant.
Kaveh looked like he got put through an earthquake with how messy he looked. Messily put on clothes, messy hair, messy breathing, messy… everything.
“Would you like to explain why you’re so painfully late?” Cyno asked before watching Kaveh stumble towards the seat right to the traveler and Paimon, on the right side to Dehya. He was still busy trying to find out how to breathe, and he probably used up all his words on the sentence he said entering the room. He looked pitiful. “…Nevermind. Catch your breath.”
Tighnari swore he heard something go click, but apparently nobody else did, so he brushed it off.
After a minute of Kaveh trying to stabilize his breathing, he finally regained the ability to form a sentence. “That archon-forsaken Haitham! You wouldn’t believe the guts on that stone-for-a-head!”
“Told you.” Tighnari chuckled to Cyno.
“He lectured me for not paying attention to the time for 10 whole minutes after telling me I was late for the meeting I scheduled when I was focused on my work instead of letting me get to said meeting and then that merciless bastard threatened to kick me out if I didn’t run over to the café and get him coffee! I had to run here as fast as possible so I didn’t get lectured again for being an hour late while already exhausted by Cyno or something!”
Everyone else at the table just stared at the ranting, exasperated Kaveh. Some looked pitiful for the upcoming triple—no, quadruple whammy, while others looked even more amused for the emotional labour they’re about to force Kaveh into.
“Seriously, I might go insane if he talks to me one more time.”
“Haha… actually, Kaveh, that’s what we’re here to talk about. Al-Haitham.” Aether said, making Kaveh’s exhausted expression turn into an excited one.
“Are you finally going to deport him far, far away to Inazuma?!”
“No..?”
“Sad. What is it, then?”
“Someone here has a crush on your roommate.”
“THAT thing is getting love before ME?!” Kaveh’s expression dropped at that sentence, mortified, before looking at everyone at the table. “Alright, which one of you lost your taste in men.”
“Guess,” said Dehya.
“..Cyno?”
“Who in the world do you think I am?” Cyno looked disgusted by the mere thought of it.
“Guess not. Tighnari?”
“Nope.” Tighnari smiled awkwardly, knowing what Paimon and the traveler were planning.
“..Traveler. Aether. My friend. Do not tell me you fell for that jerk.”
“Not me.” Aether sent him a thumbs up, relieving Kaveh… until he realized the remaining options.
“Well… that leaves Dori, Dehya, Collei and Paimon.”
“Indeed.” Dehya nodded, amused.
“Well. Dori’s in love with her mora, so it would never be her—“
Dori hummed smugly. “That’s right~”
“Collei and Paimon are children…”
Kaveh looked at the final person in the room who might have the hots for his insufferable roommate.
“Dehya… aren’t you a lesbian?”
“Through and through, baby.”
“Well, then there’s nobody in the room with a crush on that man…” Kaveh sighed. “Traveler, did you waste my time playing a guessing game when nobody had a crush on Haitham after all? Well, that’s expected, considering that horrible, horrible human doesn’t have any love in his body.”
“No, no, Kaveh! That’s not it at all!” Paimon shook her head. “You’re missing someone! Someone in this room!”
“Eh? Is someone hiding?” Kaveh glanced around the room from his seat, even bending down to see if anything was under the table. “There’s nobody else here, Paimon.”
“Another person you didn’t account for, Kaveh,” Dehya added.
“I said everybody, though!”
“You missed a certain someone,” Tighnari stated once more.
“Paimon? I already said she was a child though! Just because she doesn't have a lot of brain cells doesn’t mean she’d be in love with that dunce!”
“Hey, watch your mouth!” Paimon retorted, offended by Kaveh’s words. “And if anything, you’re the idiot here!”
“Well, if I’m the idiot here, then how come all of you guys think there’s some ghost in the room with a crush on my roommate?!”
“Kaveh. I want you to list all the people in this room at the moment.” Cyno said, staring at the architect.
“Well,” Kaveh glanced around the table, “Dori, you, Collei, Tighnari, Paimon, Aether, Dehya and myself?”
“Repeat that last one?”
“Myself..?”
“Kaveh…” Tighnari cringed
“What do I have to do with this?”
“Think about the topic, airhead!” Paimon sniggered, watching Kaveh’s confusion. “Who in the room has a crush on Al-Haitham?”
“Oh.” Kaveh stared down at the table, thinking before his face flushed red. “ OH .”
“Yeah. It’s you, Kaveh.” Aether let out a small giggle, watching Kaveh go through the 5 stages of grief within a second.
“I—wh—ho—the—I-I DO NOT HAVE A CRUSH ON AL - HAITHAM ! HOW DID YOU GET TO THAT CONCLUSION? I JUST TOLD YOU HOW MUCH I HATED HIM!” Kaveh’s expression said the opposite of his words as he shoved his head in his arms on the table, trying to hide it from everyone surrounding him.
Paimon grinned, pulling out the digital document. “We all knew you’d say this, so let’s introduce you to your Al-Haitham Pining Logs!”
“TO MY WHAT?! ”
“Hehe! Check your docs app!”
“…Why is it called Kaveh’s Crime Log? If someone at the Akademiya sees this they’re going to get me expelled!”
“Well, I hope they force you to hand it over for “review” in that case,” Dori smirked.
“C’mon, just tap on it!”
Reluctantly, Kaveh opened the document shared with him, immediately regretting it. “I do NOT stare at Haithams muscles.”
“Our evidence says otherwise!”
“Wh-WHY DID ALL OF YOU WORK ON THIS?”
“We’re tired and need you to admit your stupid kiddy crush on Al-Haitham already, and archons know how long it would take you to do that yourself, so we have to help you and this is how!”
“Well, you didn't need to waste time on this because I do NOT have a “crush” on that sick excuse of a person!”
“You know what sir, you either read this entire doc without a single word out of your mouth or we send it to the entirety of the Akademiya because this is getting sickening to watch!”
“People at the Akademiya don’t have time to meddle around with my so-called “crush” on that moron, that wouldn’t do anything!’ Kaveh protested, knowing damn well that he will have his life ruined if this document gets sent to even one student in the Akademiya.
“Well, as a wise Aether once said, screw around and find out!”
“I feel like that had much more vile wording coming out of Aether’s mouth…” Kaveh muttered under his breath, beyond annoyed. “I came here at my lowest point and I’ve somehow gone below rock bottom because of this. Where did you get that dumb idea anyways? I assure you it’s wrong!”
“Read the document and find out why we think that, buildings-for-brains! Unlesssss, you really want the document released to the Ak—“
“Alright, alright, no need for that!” Kaveh surrendered and began to read the document properly.
“What was that about not caring if it was released to the Akademi—“
“Don’t continue that sentence.”
“Tut tut! Not a word!”
Kaveh looked insanely displeased as he was forced to read the horrific “log” of instances of him being… more than suspicious regarding his roommate. Every time he would open his mouth to comment, or more specifically, complain about a section, Paimon would threateningly wave around the document and the share button.
His face became progressively more distressed, to the point where he had his head in his hands in agony and started groaning while reading some parts. This was fairly amusing to the others in the room, who were doing their own business as Kaveh digested everything.
After some time, Kaveh finally spoke loud and clear. “I’m done reading this stupid stretch of a document and have concluded.”
That was enough to have all eyes in the room back on him.
“After a long period of consideration, I have come to terms with my mind, body and soul and have realized…”
“Yessss~?” Paimon smiled, hands connected behind her back.
“I have a crush on…”
“WE DID IT AETH—“
“The thought of going home and getting 24 hours of uninterrupted HAITHAM-LESS sleep!”
Paimons smile dropped as she started shaking her arms in irritation. “That’s not what you’re supposed to say, you—“
“Well, I’ll be excusing myself now. I have commissions to work on and deadlines to meet, and art never waits.” Kaveh stood up from his seat, about to approach the door before Dehya’s voice rang out in the room.
“Oh, I don’t think you will. Unless you want us to inform Al-Haitham of this document?”
“…” Kaveh returned to his seat without a word and buried his face in his arms on the desk, already past his limit. It’s a miracle he hasn’t died today (yet).
“Have you finally realized just how pathetic you look all over Al-Haitham of all people?” Cyno asked in his typical deadpan voice. “I never partake in matters similar to this, but your romantic advancements have been infuriating me to no end.”
“They are NOT advancements, they are incredibly PLATONIC actions between two VERY HETEROSEXUAL roommates with absolutely NO romance linked to them!” Kaveh yelled in a desperate attempt to preserve his dignity, face burning hotter than a pyro hypostasis.
“Hey, how do you know Al-Haitham’s heterosexual?” Paimon crossed her arms and squinted her eyes. “Cause it really sounds like you don’t know your own sexuality either, Mr Architect!”
“W-well, I guess I don’t know that, but he probably doesn’t know how to love at all!” Kaveh objected, earning a “really?” look from at least half the room. “Seriously, that man is devoid of emotions!”
“Isn’t that a bit coldhearted to say?” Tighnari tilted his head.
“He deserves it. Living with him is a nightmare.”
“Nuh-uh, you are not escaping the sexuality conversation with your Al-Haitham slander!” Paimon interrupted Kaveh before he could start grumbling about how his roommate is rude to him.
“We don’t need to have that talk, I’m very sure I don’t like men,” Kaveh reinforced, glaring at a skeptical Paimon, before muttering, “well, at least not Haitham.”
“Have you ever liked women? ” Dori asked plainly, raising an eyebrow.
“W-well, no.”
“This is like interrogating a 13-year-old middle schooler with raging internalized homophobia, but instead it's a whole early 20s-year-old man trying to defend his totally-not-romantic attraction to his roommate in the worst way possible,” Dehya stated with a palm on her forehead.
“Ok, I’ll admit, I did have some relationships with guys back in high school or whate—“
“YOU WHAT?!” Paimon screeched, hurting everyone else’s eardrums
“BUT THAT WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL!” Kaveh frantically tried to justify, quickly regretting letting that fact slip his tongue. “IT WASN’T SERIOUS OR ANYTHING, LIKE—“
“YOU got BOYS in high school?” Dori looked more shocked over that than the fact that it was men. “If you managed to be a magnet, I think anybody could be.”
“Mind you, I am extremely charismatic!”
“Waitwaitwait, you said you had multiple relationships with strictly men?” Paimon rubbed her head in confusion, “just how many of these did you have?”
“..I don’t think I want to tell you people.”
“Tictoc, the document’s being sent to Al-Haitham as w—“
“OKAY OKAY I HAD 4.”
“4 RELATIONSHIPS WITH MEN AND YOU’RE STILL “HETEROSEXUAL?!””
“Look, I already told you they weren’t anything serious!”
Cyno’s eyes twitched. “Did the Akademiya wipe your homosexuality away with the Akasha Terminal?”
Kaveh almost choked on his saliva from that comment, “What does that even mean?”
“4 relationships with men and not a single one with women?” Dehya whistled. “Sorry, Kaveh, I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, but there’s seriously no beating the homosexuality allegations now.”
“You didn’t give him any benefit of the doubt,” Cyno stated
“Indeed. I lied. I wouldn’t believe you if you gave me your lungs and told meKaveh is straight.”
Kaveh let out a long, tired sigh.
“Ok, fine, I’m not straight—“
“WOOHOO—“
“—But I am NOT in love with Haitham”
Paimon groaned. “I’m going to send the document to Al-Haitham in 5.”
“Well, he is pretty handsome, but—“
“4”
“—I can’t imagine being in love with him—“
“3”
“—because who in their right mind would fall for Haitham?”
“2”
“Uhh, definitely not me—“
“1”
“—No, I would never, I hate his guts.”
“Send—“
“FINE FINE I HAVE A CRUSH ON HAITHAM.”
“ABOUT TIME!”
“Are you happy now?!” Kaveh gritted his teeth with one hand grabbing a fist of his hair and the other on the table, looking down to try to hide his flushed expression. “I’m in love with that.. that obnoxious dimwit and I hate it!”
“Finally… only took you,” Cyno checked the time, “almost an hour of dancing around and making weak rebuttals.”
“It’s kind of difficult admitting your feelings to a group of 7 very untrustworthy people, General.”
“I wouldn’t know how that feels.”
“You better hope it’s never you because that was one of the worst hours of my life,” Kaveh rubbed his temples before looking at Paimon, who was celebrating her success with Aether. “It’s not like this relationship going anywhere, archons know if that guy even loves in general let alone men. And either way, he would probably love the Traveler or something, not me.”
“Al-Haitham? A crush on Aether? ” Paimon looked amused by the mere idea. “Can’t see it~! Anyways, we’re going to help you on your escapade to win Al-Haitham’s heart.”
“ABSOLUTELY NOT,” Kaveh blurt out almost immediately. “He doesn’t love me and that’s that. If I start doing stunts to try getting him to notice me then he’s going to just find me weird and kick me out once and for all.”
“Well, he does love you back, so you don’t have to worry about that~!” Dori reassured, cupping her head in her hands which lay on the table.
Cyno sent her a dirty look.
“He does love you back, dummy!” Paimon said, hands on her hips.
“And how, pray tell, would you two know?” Kaveh squinted his eyes at the two, especially Dori.
“I have my sources~” The merchant winked, causing Kaveh to have even more questions.
“..Ignoring that creepy comment,” Dehya said, looking at Kaveh. “Trust me. He reciprocates your undying teenager angsty love or whatever.”
“Seriously, how do you people know this? And it’s not a teen angst love or whatever you called it, we’re 2 adults with jobs?!”
“Sure doesn’t seem like it…” Cyno muttered, earning a chuckle from Tighnari.
“Have you seen the way Al-Haitham looks at you?” Dehya sighed, feeling like they weren’t going anywhere now. “It’s the most lovesick expression I’ve ever seen someone in my life.”
“You’re just spitting lies at this point,” Kaveh said, genuinely not believing it, because he actually has never seen his roommate look at him that way. “That man has always looked at me like he was some powered-off android and I was some scum-of-the-earth serial killer.”
“Nah, you’ve just never seen it because he never lets you,” the eremite sent a gesture to Aether, who pulled a picture out of his seemingly endless bag and handed it to Kaveh.
“Take a look at this.”
The picture was Al-Haitham gazing fondly at Kaveh, who had his eyes closed and was ranting about deadlines (surprisingly not Al-Haitham) to an amused Tighnari who was barely keeping in his laughter and an awkward Cyno, who were on the opposite side of the restaurant table.
Kaveh looked dumbfounded at the picture, and was staring at Al-Haitham’s smile, ears reddening. “There’s no way this is real, that isn’t Haitham! What’d you people do to him? Did you replace him with an impostor?!”
“Honestly, I can’t blame you for doubting the authenticity of this picture, considering even Al-Haitham himself seemed like he had no idea he was looking at you that way when we asked him about it afterwards,” Aether shrugged, taking a look at the picture himself. “I can assure you that it’s real, though. Even Cyno himself can testify!”
“Cyno?” Kaveh glanced at the person in question, seeking confirmation.
“It’s true,” the General Mahamatra affirmed reluctantly.
“..Y’know what,” Kaveh sighed for, like, the 50th time that day. “I’ll go with your schemes, Paimon, Traveler, but if Haitham leaves me on the streets after I make a pathetic attempt at confessing to him, you owe me a mansion and all the mora in Teyvat.”
“Good enough!” Paimon clapped, grinning with satisfaction before processing the sentence more in his head. “Wait, hey—how did you know I had a plan?”
“You’re like the exact opposite of Haitham,” Paimon gave Kaveh a confused look at that statement. “As in, you’re stupidly easy to read.”
“I help you figure out your oblivious crush on your own roommate and this is how you treat me?!”
“I didn’t ask to be enlightened, thank you very much.
“Alright, pack it up you two,” Dehya interrupted the upcoming argument before it could escalate. “We’re here to share this so-called “plan” of Paimon and the Traveler, not fight all day.”
The 2 both pouted.
“Alright, Paimon, what’s the plan?” Kaveh looked at the… floating creature expectantly.
“We’re gonna make this a game!”
“You’ve already lost me.”
“No, no, come on Mr Boring Architect!”
“So now it’s Mr Boring Architect, alright, alright.”
“Hmph! That’s the ugly nickname you deserve!” Paimon grumbled, punching the air comically. “Anyways, we’re gonna give you tasks regarding your love for Al-Haitham, and you’re gonna fulfill them if you want your love life to not disappear into thin air!”
“What is this, the adventures guild?”
“You either get yourself together or we do it for you, and clearly you can’t do the first option!”
“Wow… so little faith in my ability in love…”
“Rightfully so,” Dori joined in.
“Geez…” Kaveh was too tired to even refute that.
“Sooo, do you accept~?” Paimon gave him an innocent smile laced with a mischievous undertone.
“…Fine. But I’ll say it again, if you people get me kicked out of the only house I can affo—“
“BLAH BLAH BLAH Yeah yeah you accepted so you’re in for it now!”
“Why do you sound like you’re going to kill me?”
“I might as well if you keep struggling!”
“I’d like to see you try, flying food~”
“HEY! Not you too!”
Aether began to snicker, trying to cover it, but ended up earning a slap on the head by Paimon which just made him giggle more.
“Whatever you say, emergency food,” Kaveh smirked, happy to have finally hit a nerve.
“Hmph! Whatever!” Paimon grunted. “Anywaysss, meeting over, go home!”
“Huh? What about the “task”?”
“Check your Vatchat later~!”
Kaveh’s Quest For Hearts (9)
[5:32 PM]
[Aether invited Paimon, Kaveh , Cyno, Tighnari, Dehya, Dori, Candace and Collei to the group chat]
Paimon: @ all WAKEY WAKEY
Kaveh: Haitham almost saw the notification that message sent
Kaveh: WHY did you name the group chat that
Paimon: Why not~?
Kaveh: If Haitham catches me texting in “Kaveh’s Quest For Hearts” he’ll definitely assume the worst
Dori: Just don’t get caught haha
Tighnari: Oh, hello
Tighnari: Cyno also sends his greetings
Collei: Hello!
Dehya: Oh so this actually exists now
Dehya: Why didn’t we have one of these earlier
Paimon: I kinda forgot we had this
Aether: Typical Paimon
Paimon: HEY!
Kaveh: Alright Paimon, tell me the details of this “operation”
Paimon: Soooo basically
Paimon: We will be giving you one task everyday, each from a different one of us!
Paimon: And you have until the end of the day to do them! Exactly 24 hours!
Paimon: The person of the day texts you it at 12AM and you must finish it by 11:59PM on the same day
Paimon: If you don’t finish it in time… well…
Paimon: Punishment task! Probably at least 5 times more romantic than a normal one!
Kaveh: Only 1 day..?
Paimon: Yep!
Kaveh: I’m a busy man…
Paimon: Do you want that love life or not
Kaveh: Fine fine whatever floats your boat
Kaveh : If I die within the next week then it’s on you
Paimon : Yeah yeah
Paimon : Come back at 12AM to find out your task :)!
———
Kaveh was not looking forward to any of this.
……
…..
….
…
..
.
[8:02 PM]
Al-Haitham: [Transfer] ⇄100,000
Al-Haitham: Here’s your mora.
Dori: [kaveh.jpg]
Dori: Pleasure doing business with you~