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Donghyuck wasn’t one to come to a bar at two in the afternoon on a Sunday. But when he did, he usually wasn’t this quiet, either. That would explain why Jaehyun, his friend and the bartender, had been side-eyeing him, but never actually approaching and asking what was bothering him. One fact he knew about Donghyuck was that he hated those types of questions (and conversations). If he wanted to say something, he would; if he didn’t, then it was best not to ask.
Unless, of course, if it were his childhood friend slash best friend slash boyfriend, Chenle, who asked, then Donghyuck would have no problem answering. Another fact Jaehyun knew.
“Hey, do you want me to pour you another glass?” He did approach him after a while, holding a bottle of red wine, concern written all over his face.
Donghyuck didn't notice it though. How could he when he had never even left his eyes from the small crack on the counter. He had been staring at it with furrowed eyebrows like he was trying to figure out why there was a crack there, but Jaehyun figured his mind really wasn't on it.
“Yeah, sure,” he replied blankly.
“Need anything else?”
He shook his head no.
Jaehyun poured him a glass, then he sighed as he took one last look at him. It was an irritatingly slow exhale that was too loud not to go unnoticed. He hoped Donghyuck would notice.
Finally, his friend looked up at him. “Actually, can I borrow your phone? I was in a hurry, I left mine at—”
Jaehyun quickly returned the bottle back to the pantry as soon as he heard his request; he didn’t even get to hear the last part of what Donghyuck said. Then, he fished for his phone in his back pocket and unlocked it before giving it to him. He knew that Donghyuck was about to call someone, it was only a matter of who it was going to be. That would help Jaehyun assume the gravity of what was worrying Donghyuck.
He could see him open the phone app and dial a familiar number. “You have Doyoung saved in your contacts as ‘hopeless’ with a bunny emoji?” Donghyuck chuckled as he hit the call button.
Jaehyun cursed under his breath. Because if Donghyuck had a problem, the first person he’d call was always Chenle. Unless the problem included the latter, then he would call Doyoung. Jaehyun was well acquainted with them back in their school days. (Doyoung was Jaehyun’s best friend since high school. It was at the start of the second semester in college that they met Donghyuck and Chenle who were freshmen; Doyoung and Jaehyun were sophomores recruiting first years for the theater club. Donghyuck was the only one who applied, and he passed. Chenle applied for the photography club of which Jaehyun was its vice president.) So he knew all too well.
“Doyoung, hey! It’s Donghyuck,” he said, “by any chance, is it okay for me to crash at your apartment right now?”
Why? Jaehyun wondered.
But he didn’t get an answer. Because he knew Doyoung would always agree to whatever Donghyuck wanted, no questions asked.
“Really? Great! You’re the best, Doy!”
Donghyuck avoided eye contact with him when he handed him back the phone. “Thanks, Jay.” he mumbled, then he grabbed his wine glass and chugged it empty.
“Make good choices, Hyuck.” It was the only thing Jaehyun could say. He didn’t know what else to tell him, and he didn’t even know if he would listen.
♥♥♥
“So that’s it, then. You're doing it tomorrow. You’re sure.”
It wasn’t a question. Doyoung wasn’t asking because he knew now that there was no point in trying to convince Donghyuck. The moment the latter arrived at his apartment, his mind had already been made because he hadn’t been listening to any of Doyoung’s input on the situation. Doyoung had been talking nonstop as they munched on vegetable-flavored chips (that were nowhere near the healthy attributes of real vegetables) and emptied around 5 bottles of soju.
The aforementioned situation was Donghyuck’s relationship crisis.
“I didn’t come here to ask for advice, I came here because I didn’t want to be alone right now,” Donghyuck said, “but go ahead, keep talking.”
Doyoung rolled his eyes. “As if you’ll listen to me.”
“I’m serious! Go ahead, you’re cute when you talk about something you’re passionate about.”
Doyoung ignored the compliment. “Passion? It’s not my fault you guys come to me for love advice so often that I’ve grown accustomed to it now.” he snatched the bag of chips away from Donghyuck. “Look, sunshine, I know how much you and Chenle love each other. Again, I don’t want either of you to get hurt so please reconsider your decision.”
“Do you, really?”
Doyoung, confused, stopped midway from putting chips in his mouth and asked, “What do you mean?”
“Do you really know how much I love him?” Donghyuck said in the tiniest, quietest voice.
Doyoung took a sharp inhale, somehow preparing himself for what Donghyuck would say.
He continued, “What if I don’t love him that much anymore. Maybe that’s why I can’t fight for him, for us.”
Doyoung scoffed in disbelief as he ate the snack in his hand. He chewed it, slowly, while he thought of what to say to Donghyuck. He dug in the bag to grab more chips. He did it again. And again, until the bag was empty, save for the powder and the crumbs. He felt his throat dry up so he swallowed hard and reached for the half full bottle of soju. He poured himself a shot, then he drank it quickly and poured another one. As Doyoung chugged his third shot, he felt Donghyuck sneaking a hand onto his lap—where the discarded bag of chips lay. He watched as Donghyuck tilted the bag of his chips to his mouth, shaking it until the bag was empty of all the crumbs. Doyoung knew he would do that, he saved the crumbs on purpose.
“My love for my dream is greater than my love for him,” Donghyuck said as he poured himself a shot.
Doyoung's ears burned, not because of the soju but because of what Donghyuck said, he leaned back on the couch and crossed his legs. “But that shouldn’t mean your love for him is any lesser.” he narrowed his eyes at Donghyuck.
Donghyuck sighed as he dropped the empty bag of chips on the floor. Then, he leaned closer to him, head falling onto his lap, as he brought his leg up on the couch to lay down comfortably on his back. Doyoung stared at him, Donghyuck stared back.
He smiled back when Donghyuck smiled at him. “I don’t have much love left in me that I can give and share,” Donghyuck said, his smile turning into a frown.
Doyoung crouched down and tilted his head, to get a better view of Donghyuck on his lap, as he ran his fingers through Donghyuck’s hair. “You won’t know if you won’t risk it,” he said, “Where’s the Donghyuck that would climb a tall tree again for Chenle, even if he had just fallen from it? The Donghyuck I know who would do anything for the people he loves. What happened to that side of you, Hyuck?”
Donghyuck only shrugged in response. “We should decide what to have for dinner,” he said as he shot up from Doyoung’s lap.
A chill ran down Doyoung’s spine when Donghyuck’s breath fanned at him as the latter sat up. Their faces were an inch apart for a quick moment. Fortunately, Doyoung still was very much sober enough to not do anything he would regret the next morning.
After an early dinner, Doyoung slept alone in his bed—which wasn’t the usual circumstance whenever Donghyuck slept over at his apartment. Doyoung hated sleeping next to people, but there was only one bedroom and Donghyuck hated sleeping on the couch. Now it was quite ironic, really, because it wasn’t Doyoung’s decision to sleep alone. In fact, it was Donghyuck himself who insisted that he’ll sleep on the couch. Doyoung was skeptical at first, a dozen questions ran through his mind but he dismissed them. What Donghyuck wanted, Doyoung would give it to him.
As Doyoung fell into slumber, the image of Donghyuck on his lap frowning and staring at him with those sad eyes played in his head. It left a dull ache on his chest, because he knew what it meant. He would look at Donghyuck the same way. He had always looked at him that way ever since.
Like the universe was against his happiness.
♡♡♡
Chenle thought that the look on his face wasn’t comprehensible nor replicable when Donghyuck showed up at their apartment with a suitcase and a travel bag.
“Donghyuck stop, please. Talk to me.” He was standing in the doorway of Donghyuck’s room, blocking the latter from getting in. “You know you can talk to me. We can talk about whatever is going on with you,” he said.
“There’s nothing to talk about anymore. Please, move away.”
“No! There’s something you’re not telling me, I know there is.” Chenle stood his ground leaning on the doorframe so Donghyuck couldn’t reach for the door. The lever handle poked hard on his back but the pain felt like nothing compared to what he was feeling right now.
Donghyuck let out a shaky breath as he let go of his bags and opened his arms. “Come here,” he said.
Chenle cautiously walked closer to Donghyuck but he maintained a safe distance. Then, Donghyuck’s cold hands were on his face.
“We already talked about it, right? And I told you, I’m not leaving you alone. You’re still my best friend,” Donghyuck said, “we can just go back to what we were before. I will still be here for you, okay?”
He was right. They already talked about it. They knew it was important for Donghyuck to focus on building his career rather than building their relationship. They weren’t teenagers anymore. There was more to life that they needed to explore, just not together, Donghyuck had told him that. Chenle disagreed at first, but of course, after listening to Donghyuck, he changed his mind. They talked about their relationship and their dreams.
Donghyuck’s dream was to be an actor. Chenle’s dream was to be a photographer and videographer. Looking at the surface, they were the perfect pair—an it couple. But deep down, their passion didn’t burn the same. Donghyuck’s fire burned bright and big; if he wasn’t concise and careful, he could lose control and that fire would spread everywhere. Chenle’s fire was a calm bonfire where he cooked marshmallows over it as he sang songs that he learned on the guitar for his extracurricular back in high school.
Donghyuck wanted to make it big, to work for a name; Chenle was content to be a freelancer, to work for himself. No matter how hard they tried to make it work, they could never make their fire burn the same. Donghyuck was the one who said that he wanted to break up with Chenle. Ever since they graduated college a little over a year ago, their relationship went downhill. So many fights and sleepless nights, late replies and missed calls, canceled dinners and dates, waking up alone and coming home to an empty apartment. Even after they sat down and had the talk and said everything they had been wanting to say to each other, letting out all the words they hid, they still couldn’t reach a different conclusion other than to break up.
Or were there words left unsaid?
It was a thought that Chenle kept pondering on. Maybe it was his insecurity, maybe he couldn’t accept it, that Donghyuck saw their relationship as a hindrance to his dreams and that it was pulling and binding him down (Donghyuck’s words, not Chenle’s). Maybe there was some other reason that was stopping Donghyuck, not from reaching his dreams but from pursuing their relationship. For starters, their relationship didn’t limit them to each other. They could date anyone that was willing to date one of them only of course if the other consented. Frankly speaking, they could fuck and fool around openly. And they did. But throughout their three—going four (or not)—year long relationship, they would always come home to each other. Chenle’s apartment had become their home.
Donghyuck had moved in a week after they got together so that he didn’t have to pay for rent because Chenle was capable enough, and besides he practically was already living there before (best friend privileges). When they got together, there wasn’t a day that they didn’t sleep under the same roof, unless when they fought of course (hey, friends and couples fight, that's not shocking news)! But never did they spend the night at the people they dated and fucked. Chenle made a curfew for himself; he would be at home before ten o’clock in the evening. Donghyuck on the other hand, always the adventurous one, didn’t want sand falling on him as if he was trapped in an hourglass, but Chenle was fine with it because he would always pick him up anywhere at any hour.
The next closest person to Donghyuck, aside from him and family, was Doyoung. So, whenever they had a disagreement and Donghyuck would leave, he would spend the night at Doyoung’s apartment since his parent’s house was too far. Chenle should be wary. It was no secret that Donghyuck liked Doyoung (shocking news? not really), he admitted that to Chenle when they had finished their third year in college and Doyoung had graduated. But it was way too obvious before that for Chenle not to notice, so he wasn’t at all perplexed by the information. And he never was wary of Doyoung, because he trusted Donghyuck.
Chenle was never selfish, he had always been accepting. Donghyuck was the one who made the most decisions in their relationship; he was the one who initiated almost everything. Not that Chenle never tried, he did, he had his own opinions too, but he valued and trusted Donghyuck’s judgment more than his own.
Not this time though.
Right now, at this very moment, Chenle wants to be selfish. He wants to ask Donghyuck the question that he has been dying to ask.
With Donghyuck’s hands still on his face, he pulls the boy closer by the waist, locking him in his arms as he slams his lips on him. He kisses him, frantic with anger, so much anger that it’s disgusting. He laps on Donghyuck’s lips, licking everywhere. Donghyuck doesn’t kiss him back, he just lets Chenle pour his anger out and salivates on him.
Chenle eventually exhausts himself to the point that his mouth goes dry. His question gets stuck in his throat, and then it gets pushed further down as he swallows hard. He pulls away from mauling Donghyuck’s lips as he holds back tears. Then, he lets him go, moving aside the doorway.
“I’m sorry,” he says, defeated, “I don't know what came over me.”
He was a fool to think he could win. Maybe that was why their relationship fell apart; Chenle could never fight for it.
He gave Donghyuck time to pack his things. He wasn’t going to help him (that’s torture) and besides, Donghyuck didn’t ask for help. Chenle locked himself in his bedroom as he slumped down on the floor, leaning his back on the door. He scanned his eyes around the vicinity, trying not to stare too long at a particular spot so his tears wouldn’t fall. It wasn’t anything easier though because everywhere he looked, it reminded him of Donghyuck. His room was also Donghyuck's room. Everything he owned; Donghyuck owned. All that he is, every piece of him, was Donghyuck’s.
He didn’t want to mope hopelessly on the floor for too long, so he stood up and walked to his bedside table. There was a photograph of him and Donghyuck placed inside a white picture frame on the table. It was taken inside their college auditorium after the performance of a play—the play where Donghyuck got his first lead role. Donghyuck was wearing a pirate costume and Chenle was wearing the shirt for the student publication.
▣▣▣
Third year of college, foundation day. Chenle was part of the student publication and he was assigned to cover the play, along with the other photojournalist on the team, Jaemin. Of course, Jaemin did most of the work during the play because Chenle focused on Donghyuck’s performance instead. His memory card was full of Donghyuck that day. Even so, Chenle still tried to take photos for the student publication when the play ended. He saw a group of friends gathering to talk about the play, some of them even repeated the lines that they remembered and actions that happened. They seemed super interested in it, unlike most of the students who swarmed towards the exit once the curtains closed. Chenle discreetly aimed his camera at them, he wanted to capture a candid photo but he was interrupted by a tap on his shoulder.
“What the hell?” he whisper-yelled as he snapped his head at the person. He regretted doing that because the person was a senior and she was one of the main cast in the play. “Oh, it’s you! Good work on the play, I loved it.”
The girl rolled her eyes. “That was so fake. It looked like you were so close to pushing me down the stairs.”
“Well, couldn’t you have picked a better time to interrupt me?” Chenle asked rhetorically before continuing with a genuine question. “What is it that you want anyway?”
The girl scoffed. “Hyuck wants you backstage, come on.”
Chenle followed meekly, feeling a bit sorry for the girl who was struggling with her bare petticoat and bustier. He figured, by the several untied strings, she had been in the middle of removing the uncomfortable thing before she was forced to accompany him.
Donghyuck wasn't there when they arrived. It pissed off the girl even more. “Where’s the little shit, Donghyuck Lee?” she yelled.
Apparently Donghyuck was on stage, one of the minor cast said. Not wanting to anger the girl more, Chenle bid goodbye and thanked her; he received another eye-roll in response.
The stage was lit up and the curtains were closed. There were students, Chenle recognized as their friends, huddled up in the center. He spotted Donghyuck right away at the farthest end. Chenle walked up to them.
“Hey, guys, what's this about?” he asked them, but he was only looking at Donghyuck who was still wearing his pirate costume, though he had already taken off the headpiece and the coat.
Their friends broke away from the circle and only Donghyuck remained in his place, giving Chenle a full view of him. Donghyuck looked so breathtaking that Chenle actually forgot to breathe for a moment. He didn't notice what Donghyuck was holding at first, but when he did, his brain seemed to have forgotten how to function. It was a bouquet of pink roses. Chenle tightened his grip on his camera.
“Hi, Lele!” Donghyuck started confidently as he walked closer to Chenle until they were at arm's length from each other. He held the bouquet up to his chest.
Chenle wasn't dense. He knew what was happening. Still, he proceeded to make a joke—a lighthearted one to ease his nerves.
“I thought I was supposed to give flowers to the star of the show, not the other way around.”
Donghyuck rolled his eyes. “Quiet! You're supposed to be surprised and speechless!”
Chenle suppressed his laughter as he nodded. Their friends didn't try though; Jaehyun, always the goofy one, was already booming in laughter along with some others who chuckled a little.
Donghyuck continued, seemingly his attention all on Chenle. “Remember when we were kids, when I told you I had a crush on you after I fell down from the ‘promise tree’ trying to impress you?”
Chenle chuckled at that, he recalled the memory very vividly. When they first saw the famous Promise Tree in their camp back when they were boy scouts, there were too many carvings on the base of the tree, not much space was left for them to write something. Chenle had climbed the tree up to the point where the highest carving was, he wrote his and Donghyuck’s initials there. Donghyuck didn’t want to settle for less, he was aiming to climb the highest branch, and he did, then he fell because he took too long that his grip on the branch loosened. But it didn’t faze him, he was a silly little kid with no care for the world. He even wanted to climb back up again because he hadn't finished writing what he wanted to. Chenle managed to stop him though, he was too worried that Donghyuck might have broken his limbs. That was when Donghyuck admitted that he liked Chenle. He told him that he’d risk his life for him just so Chenle could look at him and say that he was the coolest and most awesome person ever.
“You told me that I didn’t have to impress you like that. You told me that flowers would’ve done the trick,” Donghyuck continued, “so I asked you what flower you liked and you answered pink roses. Then, I told you that the next time I’ll confess to you, I’ll make sure to give you those.
“So here I am, confessing to you, again, after trying to impress you! I hope you liked the show by the way. And this time it’s a tad bit different, I’m not going to tell you that I like you just because I want to. This time, I’m asking you to be my boyfriend.” Donghyuck spoke confidently without a breather, running a hand through his disheveled brown hair. The action made him look even more stunning than he already was.
At this point, all the air was knocked out of Chenle’s lungs. He was now surprised and speechless like Donghyuck had perceived.
“I like you, Chenle Zhong, like a whole lot. And I believe I’ve fallen in love with you,” Donghyuck said with a smile, “Will you be my boyfriend?”
Chenle felt like his heart was about to burst out of his chest. He pulled Donghyuck into a tight hug, not caring if the bouquet of flowers or his camera were crushed in between. “Fucking hell, Hyuckie, of course I liked it. I fucking loved the play!” he pulled away to hold Donghyuck’s face in his hands. “You were amazing, and I love you.”
Donghyuck’s gasp was stuck in his throat when Chenle placed a gentle kiss on his lips. It was just a quick peck but it sent sparks all throughout their bodies. Donghyuck hummed when Chenle pulled away, looking at him with a fond smile. “So that’s a yes, right?”
Chenle grinned so widely that his cheeks folded into whiskers. “Yes, Donghyuck Lee, I am now your boyfriend as you are mine.”
Their friends erupted in cheers, as if they weren’t loud enough when they kissed. Curious students from the backstage went up to see what was going on. Chenle noticed the senior, who he was with minutes ago, had a sour look on her face.
Chenle leaned in to whisper to Donghyuck, hand catching his camera by reflex when it swayed to stop it from hitting the latter. “Of all people you could have asked to fetch me, you ask someone who has a crush on you,” he said.
Donghyuck furrowed his eyebrows at that. “She has a what?”
Chenle chuckled. “You really are oblivious, more than half the theater club has a crush on you.”
“Well, then it’s such a high probability of me asking someone who has a crush on me, isn’t it? Don’t blame me, she was the closest not-busy-person I could pester.”
They both giggled. Not busy was an understatement.
“Okay~ lovebirds stop it with the whispering and giggling! Let me take a photo,” Jaemin said loudly in a calm manner.
They posed for Jaemin, only for a few seconds before their other friends had started photobombing. (Jaehyun was the first to do it then everyone else followed; he walked past them then walked back and stopped to pose.) Jaemin changed it from photo to video, and he began filming, he even proceeded to interview people.
“Wait, I want another photo using my camera this time.” Chenle pulled his arm back from resting it on Donghyuck’s shoulders then he pulled the strap of his camera over his head.
“Oh, Doyoung can take the photo! He’s really good,” Donghyuck said, then he called Doyoung who was trying to get away from Jaemin.
“Would you look at the odds of that,” Chenle mumbled.
Donghyuck hummed. “What did you say?”
“I said, I know, I follow him on Instagram.” Chenle lied through his teeth, in fact he didn’t even follow Doyoung on any of his social media accounts. Fortunately, Donghyuck didn’t mention it; he probably didn't notice.
Chenle carefully handed Doyoung his camera after he had adjusted its settings and explained to him how the lens worked (the zoom and the focus), and which buttons to press to capture the photo and view the gallery. Doyoung understood well and he held the camera very gently but firmly as Chenle put the strap over his head.
“Don’t let it sway and dangle, just hold it still.” It was his last instruction before letting Doyoung walk a few meters away from them.
“You still haven’t accepted my bouquet of roses.” Donghyuck frowned.
“Sorry, my hands were full.” Chenle shrugged as he held the slightly crumpled bouquet, then he sneaked a kiss on Donghyuck’s left cheek. Donghyuck’s frown turned upside down.
“That’s your second time today, no fair!”
Chenle just stuck his tongue out at him as he placed his arm over Donghyuck’s shoulders again. When they both turned to look at their cameraman, Doyoung wasn’t pointing the camera at them, instead it was pointed down as he looked fondly at whatever photo he saw in the gallery.
“Hey, don’t snoop through my photos,” Chenle said, making Doyoung look up and immediately positioned the camera properly.
“Sorry!” he rushed to apologize. “Okay, 3, 2, 1.” he took a photo, then he counted again and took another one. He continued to take a few photos, changing angles from time to time.
But Chenle never printed those photos.
🎔🎔🎔
Donghyuck was lying down on his bed, he arrived at his parents’ house three hours ago yet he didn’t unpack his luggage. He would be staying over until he found a decent apartment to rent. He still had things he owned that he all left here, his childhood bedroom, so he decided to just get some rest and organize his old and new stuff tomorrow.
But Donghyuck couldn’t sleep, he had been crying.
Chenle had never left his mind since he moved out of their apartment. There were other things on his mind too but the thought of his ex-boyfriend lingered the strongest. Donghyuck thought he was hallucinating because he swore he could smell his cologne. Whenever he closed his eyes, he could feel Chenle’s lips on his. And whenever he turned to the side, he could see Chenle lying right next to him and smiling at him.
Donghyuck sighed as he got up and opened his travel bag. He rummaged through all the clothes until he felt a hard square object, he pulled it out and went back to bed. It was the picture frame in Chenle’s bedroom. He didn’t know why the fuck Chenle gave it to him and more importantly why he was torturing himself by clutching it onto his chest as he recalled what happened that day. Donghyuck cried again.
The photo was taken on the day they became official. Chenle was holding a crumpled bouquet of pink roses while he gave Donghyuck a peck on his cheek. Donghyuck chuckled at how surprised and giddy he looked. He was smiling widely in the photo.
“What am I doing…” he muttered as he wiped his tears with the back of his hand and then he threw the picture frame away. He expected it to just land on the edge of the bed but he underestimated his strength. The frame fell on the floor with a loud thud and a clank.
Donghyuck cursed as he rolled onto his front, towards the edge of the bed. He couldn’t tell if he actually broke it but the pieces definitely broke apart. Sighing, Donghyuck picked up the photo. Only to find another one underneath it.
“What the fuck?” he gasped, his breathing became uneven.
He discarded the first photo on the bed and picked up the other with both hands as he sat up. It was almost nighttime but there was still a bit of sunlight beaming through the window, he could clearly see what the photo was.
Or rather, who was in the photo.
Donghyuck knew exactly when it was taken—it was the same day. The photo was of someone holding a camera, only that instead of taking photos, the person was fondly looking at the gallery, at an image that had already been captured. And Donghyuck knew exactly what that image was even if it wasn't shown.
His eyes traveled to the photo of him and Chenle, and then back to the someone on the photo in his hand. He looked at both pictures back and forth until his eyes started to water again; he was crying for the umpteenth time that day. Careful not to stain tears on the pictures, he placed them inside the drawer of his desk that was next to his bed. Then he pulled the covers up to his head.
Eventually, Donghyuck did fall asleep, sad with dried up snot and tears on his face.
And if he dreamed about Chenle and some other person that night, he forgot about it as soon as he woke up. It was the first day of a new chapter in his life, he had other important things to worry about.