Archive of Our Own

“He’s allowed to kiss whoever he wants, really,” Lily mumbled for the upteenth time that evening, a terrible line of wrinkles between her eyebrows and lips pressed tightly. She was gripping the book in her hand so hard that her knuckles turned paler than they already were, and when she got on her tiptoes to place the volume in its rightful place on the shelf, there was an uncommon violence to her movements. It looked so out of place; Lily was usually all kindhearted smiles and complicit glances, her words always meaning well. Anyone would make a double-take if they could see her then, allocating book after book with something akin to fury radiating from her frame.

Anyone who wasn’t Pandora Lovegood, apparently.

They had been spending a lot of time together, Lily and her. It wasn’t on purpose, or some kind of premeditated decision. They didn’t talk about it or agree to meet in the same place at the same hour every day. It wasn’t even like they were friends, exactly, even though Lily thought that it was, possibly, the most appropriate term for them. And don’t get her wrong, Lily didn’t hate her, or anything. She didn’t go out of her way to avoid her, nor did she purposely seek her out. They simply hadn’t crossed paths that much, is all. Lily did not have a fully formed opinion on her because, up until that point, they hadn’t interacted outside of knowing of each other’s existence, and sometimes an acknowledging nod when they caught sight of the other in the halls. Their relationship had been polite at best, and completely nonexistent at worst. All in all, Lily didn’t spend too much time thinking about Pandora Lovegood. However, she liked to believe that she did have an idea of the type of person she was.

Pandora was brilliant. There wasn’t any other way to describe her. It didn’t have anything to do with the way she looked, or the fact that she seemed to call all the attention in the room when she entered it, making it impossible for Lily, or anyone, really, to look away. Even though she never seemed to want it, to crave it. Pandora could have everyone hanging off every word that fell from her lips, and still not care about it. Most of the time she appeared to be too inside her own head to pay attention to anything else.

No, Pandora was brilliant in the most unexpected of ways, in the most special of all. She was brilliant in the way she almost always had her nose stuck inside a book, reading every sentence she liked or had a hard time understanding under her breath, repeating it until she was satisfied. She was brilliant in the way she won each argument she got involved in, whether they were class related or because someone had wronged any of her friends. She was brilliant in the way that she seemed to know about absolutely everything, offering little facts about any topic you could think of; little facts that seemed irrelevant or even useless, but that Lily thought were priceless treasures, and as fascinating as the person who had spoken them into life in the first place. Pandora was brilliant when she had her fingers covered in ink, when she pulled at her blue tie on especially hot days, when she ran up and down the stairs on the rare occasions she was late for class, barely avoiding the floor. And she looked brilliant, with her long, platinum hair almost reaching her waist, her silvery blue eyes wandering full of curiosity, and her tiny sprout of freckles, which were a lot more faint than Lily’s and only covered the bridge of her nose.

There really weren’t any other words for Pandora, or at least, none that could fit her better. Lily’s brain had come up with the adjective as soon as she had laid eyes on her for the first time, almost five years ago. She had been only twelve, and she knew nothing about that little girl sitting a few seats away from her, in the library’s table she already considered to be hers after more than a year studying in Hogwarts. Lily hadn’t even got annoyed by the fact that her space was being invaded by someone who wasn’t Remus. She could only stare helplessly at Pandora (although she did not know her name yet at the time), watching as her shiny, astute eyes scanned the pages of the textbook she was reading, a piece of parchment filled with tight and messy handwriting at her side. It didn’t take long before she was caught, the other girl noticing her gaze barely a few seconds after. Their eyes met for an instant, and then Lily was looking away hastily, pointedly ignoring the heat she could feel filling her cheeks and going back to the essay she had been working on. Lily could have swore that Pandora’s attention had remained on her for a bit longer after that, but she didn’t try to find out, and when Remus and Mary arrived a few minutes later, she forgot about the whole exchange, all the embarrassment pooling at her gut vanishing as if it had never been there in the first place.

Lily had never noticed Pandora before that, but she couldn’t stop doing so after it. So really, maybe implying that Lily didn’t give her too much thought would be a lie. Although it wasn’t like she lost sleep over Pandora, either. It was… mere admiration. Yeah, admiration. Lily had always favoured those who seemed as hungry for knowledge as she herself felt, which meant that Pandora was, apparently, everything she liked in a person. And yet, they had barely interacted with one another. Lily hadn’t even tried to befriend her, even though she had had the opportunity on many occasions, especially considering they both had a couple of mutual friends. There was always something that held her back, making her second guess every possible plan she could come up with to get closer to Pandora. It felt like a bad idea in a sense, even though Lily didn’t have any valid reasons to believe that. Or, well, there were several reasons, but they were nothing too concerning.

They just… made her feel a bit uneasy.

The thing was, Pandora was a Ravenclaw through and through, and her dark blue robes weren’t necessary for anyone to realise that. However, she liked to hang out with a group of Slytherins that Lily wasn’t very fond of. She had nothing against them, really; not personally at least. But Pandora spent a lot of time in the company of Regulus Black, who Lily had never spoken to but didn’t want to, either. He was Sirius’ little brother, and knowing how much the simple mention of his name hurt him, Lily couldn’t find it in herself to feel any kind of sympathy for him. She was aware that it was very unfair of her, because she didn’t know the whole story. She hadn’t even bothered to ask for Regulus’ side of it, and no one apart from the Black brothers had any idea of what had gone down in that damned house. But Sirius was her friend, and the fact that he often pretended that James was the only sibling he had was all the information she needed.

The rest of the group weren’t as much of a delicate subject, but they also weren’t the kind of people Lily would have gotten close to out of her own volition. There was Dorcas Meadowes, who was in her year, and with whom she shared a few classes. She was pure ambition, holding her chin high and always achieving perfect scores, but she had that weird rivalry with Marlene going on, and since Lily didn’t want her friend to strangle her, she mostly kept her distance from Dorcas.

With Barty Crouch Jr. Lily did have more of a problem with, mostly because he seemed to thrive on chaos in a way she didn’t like, in a way she completely mistrusted. It reminded her a little too much of those rare times in which Sirius went too far, in which he was downright cruel without ever meaning to, as if he was back in that horrible place and all those vicious words came natural to him. There was also that Rosier kid, who was never too far when Barty was around, but Lily didn’t have an actual opinion on him. He was kind of a mystery to her. He usually kept to himself, and was considerably quieter than his other half, but there had to be something else to him, if he surrounded himself with the likes of Barty. Lily had always thought that there was something ruthless in his eyes, but she couldn’t be sure it wasn’t her prejudice showing, so she didn’t want to assume when they had never exchanged a word.

They were an unlikely group, all of them from Slytherin but possessing personalities that, commonly, were meant to clash against each other. But for some unknown reason, they seemed to work, always eating together in the Great Hall or hanging out close to the Black Lake, all of them touching each other or intertwined in some way.

And Pandora fit just right between them.

Lily didn’t get it, but she decided that she did not want to get it, so she let them be and continued admiring Pandora from afar whenever they were in the same room, which didn’t happen often, anyway. Life continued on, and Pandora was nothing more than a fleeting thought inside Lily’s mind; a thought she could bury in the deepest part of her brain if she was alert enough, her guard always up.

It had worked perfectly, until they both had been assigned to organise the books of the library every weekend. Lily had barely been two weeks in Hogwarts since her seventh year had started, and her perfectly crafted plans for the school year had been completely ruined.

Well, the truth was that Lily had offered to help as soon as Professor McGonagall had mentioned that Madam Pince needed a hand, because regardless of how awful the Hogwarts’ librarian could be, Lily spent most of her free time at the library, and she was glad to have an excuse to explore it at will. It didn’t rob her of her free time, since it was only for a few hours every Saturday morning, and as long as it didn’t interfere with her study hours, there wasn’t any issue with it. But, of course, Lily should have known that something was bound to change that at some point.

Pandora’s reason for lending her help in the library was a whole different story. Apparently, it was some sort of punishment for something she definitely didn’t do, although Lily didn’t have the details about what that something was. She did know, however, that she was covering for one of her friends, because Pandora never got into trouble (whether that was because she didn’t do anything that granted detention or because she didn’t get caught, Lily couldn’t be sure); but the why and the who it was for were unknown to Lily. Regardless of the cause, they had been working together in the library for a couple of months. And even though Lily had been slightly apprehensive about the two of them spending so many hours alone when they weren’t even friends, they had found their own rhythm quickly, distributing the different sections they were responsible for and dividing all books into two sides depending on which shelf they belonged to, so they could work separately and more efficiently, since Pandora wasn’t allowed to use magic for it.

They hadn’t really spoken to each other during the first weeks, and Lily was surprised to discover that the silences they shared were never uncomfortable. She was so used to the air around her becoming heavy and suffocating when she had to deal with the quietness that came with strangers, with the lack of trust. But Pandora’s presence was soothing in a way Lily could never be able to describe with just words. There wasn’t a name for the warmth that settled deep in her bones whenever she found Pandora waiting for her at their usual spot, a soft, almost secretive smile on her lips. It was as if all her worries, all the weight resting upon her shoulders, disappeared the moment she was in Pandora’s presence, even if they didn’t talk, even if all their contact came from stolen glances and matching grins.

Lily didn’t remember at what point they had decided to break their unknowingly agreed silent pact, but she did recall the first words that Pandora had said to her.

Everything okay, Evans? You look like you’ve had a very long week.

And the rest, as they say, was history. Lily ended up spilling her guts that first time without even meaning to, and she couldn’t stop after that. Sometimes they even stayed for longer than they had to, because neither of them wanted to cut the conversation short, or interrupt the other. It was never small talk between them. Whether they were chatting about some new spell they were learning or their future plans, their conversations were always important, always relevant. Lily still wasn’t sure if she was allowed to refer to them as friends, but apart from Remus and Mary, there wasn’t anyone who could make her feel as seen and as understood as Pandora did.

Which brought her to where they were, Pandora working on the shelf adjacent to hers, turning her head from time to time to watch Lily’s angry gestures, no sign of surprise or confusion on her expression. Anyone who knew her well was aware that Lily had a temper, and although she couldn’t tell if Pandora had already earned her rightful place in that list, it was obvious that she was not taken aback in the slightest by her attitude.

“‘He’?” Pandora questioned, arching an eyebrow, even though Lily could swore that she had mentioned who this was about as soon as the other girl had asked about her obvious bad mood. “James, I assume.”

“Who else could it be?” Lily snorted, but there was something ugly in the sound, something bitter.

Because really, who else could it be if not James fucking Potter.

It goes like this: James was only eleven years old when he decided that Lily was the love of his life, and Lily was also eleven years old when she realised that she would never be what James wanted her to, no matter how hell-bent he was on it. They had easily entered some sort of twisted cat and mouse game, one in which James chased her relentlessly while she practised self-restraint in order to not commit homicide. At some point, they had managed to become friends, even though Lily had been a bit reluctant at first. It turned out James was an amazing friend, once you looked past all that arrogant and cocky facade, which was actually kind of endearing when you realised James was an absolute dork. Of course, their newly formed friendship was not enough to stop the boy’s flirting attempts, but he did tone them down considerably, to the point Lily could take them as a joke most times and just laugh it off.

But six years go a long way, and as soon as all the hatred she swore she professed to James Potter slipped away, another, very different emotion settled in its place, leaving her tongue-tied and weak at the knees, her face a blushing mess. Lily resisted during all of her sixth year, but ended up caving in at the start of that one, her seventh and last. She began to consider James, to really consider him, and she thought that maybe, just maybe, he had been right all along. Maybe fate did exist, and maybe all that shit he loved to sprout about soulmates had some truth in it. Maybe they were destined to be together, because Lily had fought it, and she had fought it fiercely, and yet, there she was, finally falling for James Potter’s charms. And maybe he could give her that safety and stability she had always believed she needed. So the moment he had tried to ask her out, barely a few days in the new school year and the resemblance of a joke in his tone, Lily had said yes. It had been very much worth it, if only for the expression on James’ face. She had never seen him so quiet, and even his legs failed him momentarily. He would have collapsed on the floor if Sirius hadn't been there to catch him at the last moment, barking with laughter at his reaction.

They had talked about it more seriously that same day after classes, Lily making sure they were alone. James had been a lot more calm about the whole thing, all smiles and shiny eyes, and they had decided to take it slow and not force it. They didn’t know if it would actually take them anywhere, so Lily had thought that it was best to simply let it flow at its own pace, and James had been more than happy to agree. So far they had only been on one date, and it had been nice and fun, even if a little underwhelming. Lily had guessed that it was probably her fault for having certain expectations after so many years of James asking her out in the most outrageous of ways, and it wasn’t like their whole relationship was going to be defined by their first date. Besides, James had walked her to her room at the end of it, placing a soft kiss on her cheek as a farewell, which had made Lily feel the oh-so-famous pull on her stomach. She had chosen that as a sign from the universe, and she had gone to bed feeling very satisfied and a little giddy, allowing herself to be excited about the new door that had opened itself to her at long last.

Oh, she had been such an idiot.

“Okay, walk me through it,” Pandora requested, carrying three very big textbooks with unexpected ease. “To make sure I understand.”

“There’s nothing to understand,” Lily grumbled, looking at the rows of thick volumes in front of her as if they had wronged her terribly. “I was on my way to the library when I thought I saw James, so I took a detour just to say hi, you know. We hadn’t spoken to each other outside of meals for a few days, so I guess I wanted to… catch up? I don’t know. I almost missed him because he was standing in this little nook on the wall in one of the corridors, almost hidden from view. I had barely taken a couple of steps closer when I noticed he was talking to someone.”

Pandore hummed, letting her know that she was very much listening, and Lily took a deep breath before continuing with her retelling of the event.

“At first I thought they were arguing, because James seemed very agitated, and he was moving his hands a lot. He does that when he’s especially nervous,” Lily explained, gritting her teeth while she replayed the scene inside her head. “But then there was a hand grabbing James by his tie and pulling him in so fast that it took me a second too long to realise that they were kissing.”

Pandora placed the last of the textbooks and then she turned her body until she was facing Lily, her shoulder resting against the shelf. She crossed her arms, with one of her hands going up until her forefinger started to tap gently against her chin, following a rhythm only its owner knew about. Lily was aware that Pandora did that without noticing whenever she was thinking deep and hard about something, and she wasn’t able to repress the wave of fondness that assaulted her at the sight. It was, without a doubt, one of her favourite Pandora’s mannerisms.

“Well, in that case, it doesn’t seem like James wanted it,” Pandora stated, speaking with a certain delicacy in her words. If it had been anyone else, Lily would have believed that they were simply trying to make her feel better, and she would have despised them for it. But it was Pandora, and Pandora only said things she truly meant. “He was probably as surprised as you were.”

Lily let out a derisive laugh, grabbing book after book while she ran away from Pandora’s gaze, pretending she didn’t feel the way it was following each and all of her movements.

“Oh, he bloody wanted it, I can promise you that,” she spat, the sentence accompanied by the loud bang one of the novels made when Lily placed it on the shelf. “He wasn’t expecting it, sure, but it took him less than five seconds to reciprocate. I left after that. I wasn’t interested in watching James Potter snog someone in the middle of the hallway.”

Pandora didn’t grimace at her tone or at her words, and her eyes didn’t fill with pity like Lily had been fearing. She simply let out a long sigh, as if what had happened was as aggravating to her as it was to Lily, and then she moved closer, until they were at arm's length and Lily was sure that she could count all of her tiny, pale freckles if she focused hard enough. It made her a bit dizzy, Pandora’s scent overflowing all of her senses until she wasn’t able to pay attention to anything else except the girl in front of her. Her scent was a mix of the worned out pages of an old book and the smell of grass after a long, merciless storm, and Lily had been fascinated by it since the first time she had had the privilege to experience it.

“Are you okay?” Pandora asked, because she always did even though she knew the answer to it every time. She could read Lily with an ease that sometimes annoyed her, but she still wanted to hear it from her.

“Why wouldn’t I be? Like I said, he is allowed to kiss whoever he wants. It’s not like we’re together, we’ve only been on one stupid date,” she muttered, doing her best to put all her focus in organising the few books she had left while refusing to look at Pandora.

“He is allowed to kiss whoever he wants,” Pandora agreed, and a trembling exhale went past Lily’s lips. There was something about hearing it out loud, coming from someone who wasn’t her. “But that doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to be upset about it.”

Lily closed her eyes hard, his mouth pressing shut at the same time that her hands grabbed the shelf, as if holding on for dear life. There was a terrible pressure constricting her chest, and she wasn’t sure of how she managed to take breath after breath, when it felt like trying to get in some air while being underwater.

Somehow, Pandora always knew exactly what she needed to hear. She was honest beyond comprehension, telling it to you as it was whether you liked it or not, but she was so gentle about it, her voice almost resembling a caress. Even when it hurt, or when it was hard to listen to—because the truth usually was—, Pandora never meant to cause her any pain, and Lily knew. She knew. She couldn’t be anything else but grateful for the fact that Pandora, although choosing to be honest without thinking of how that could affect her, was always so tender with her about it, treating her with care but never like she was fragile. Lily had thought herself weak so many times, hating herself a little for it and attempting to hide it behind pride and sharp words and glaring eyes. But she wasn’t weak through Pandora’s eyes. Never had been.

“I—” Lily started, not really sure of what she wished to say. She looked down at her feet helplessly, biting her lip until she could taste blood. “I am a bit upset, I suppose. But not in the way I expected.”

“What do you mean?” Pandora’s voice sounded so close that Lily felt a chill run down her spine.

“I’m not upset about James kissing someone else. Or, I am, but not because I’m jealous, or anything. I thought I was at first and that’s why I felt like punching him straight in the face, but after coming here and talking to you about it, I don’t think that’s what it is,” Lily sighed, rubbing the palms of her hands against her cheeks.

“Then?”

“It’s just… I feel like a fucking idiot,” Lily confessed quietly, closing her eyes once more and moving forward until her forehead was resting against one of the seemingly endless rows of books. “I let myself like him and expected something to come out of all of this, and look at where it has gotten me. I should have known better.”

“You’re not an idiot,” Pandora said, and the firmness in her tone startled Lily enough to make her turn her head and finally look at the other girl. There was something fierce shining in Pandora’s silver eyes, and Lily felt a sudden rush of well-known heat coiling in her stomach. “There’s nothing bad about having feelings for someone, no matter the outcome. You did absolutely nothing wrong, Lily, and none of this is your fault. The fact that you went for it regardless of doubts or even fear it’s very brave of you.”

Lily felt a pull at the corners of her mouth, and she didn’t try to resist it when her lips curved in a tiny smile, laughter bubbling up her throat.

“I don’t feel very brave right now,” she admitted, shaking her head softly. But a giggle could be heard between her words, and Lily watched as Pandora’s lips formed a grin of their own.

“Well, you are,” she insisted, her eyes never leaving hers. “And if you ask me, it’s definitely Potter’s loss.”

“I mean…” Lily mumbled, lowering her head in the hopes that her hair would be enough to cover the blush she could feel blossoming in her face. Lily liked praise from everyone, but it was especially thrilling when it came from Pandora. She treasured all of her compliments, storing them inside a tiny box in her mind, and opening it every time she needed a bit of confidence or strength. “I did make him wait. For years. I can’t blame him for losing interest after all this time. I just wish he had told me from the beginning that he didn’t want me anymore, so I wouldn’t feel like I made a complete fool of myself.”

Pandora squinted her eyes at her before rolling them so hard Lily was momentarily concerned.

“You did not ‘make him wait’. You don’t choose who you fall for, and just because he was insistent and remained interested in you for a few years doesn’t mean you owe him something. In fact, you don’t owe him anything.”

“But—”

“No ‘buts’,” Pandora cut her off, and suddenly there were fingers under Lily’s chin, touching lightly but making sure she raised her head. Her eyes met Pandora’s, too aware of the point in which their skins came into contact, and Lily forgot how to breathe for a second. “You gave him a chance and he wasted it. That’s on him. I used to think he was smart, especially considering he liked you, but apparently, I stand corrected.”

Lily blinked. Then, slowly, very slowly, her mouth moved until it was sporting a wide grin; one that Pandora was quick to reciprocate. Pandora rarely showed her teeth, always smiling with closed lips and kind eyes. That was why it felt even more special, seeing Pandora smile so big at her that her mouth opened almost unconsciously. Lily knew her cheeks were coloured a shade very similar to her hair, but she couldn’t find it in herself to care while she had Pandora standing so close to her, talking about her as if she was all that mattered, her fingers still holding her chin.

Pandora made her feel like her heart was about to burst out of her chest. No one had managed that before. Not even James and his kissing her goodnight.

“You’re biassed,” Lily giggled, turning even redder when she realised how breathless she had sounded.

“Maybe,” Pandora conceded, shrugging. She moved the hand she had on her chin and tucked a few strands of her hair behind her ear, and then let her hand rest on Lily’s cheek. “But I’m only saying the truth, and that wouldn’t change even if we weren’t friends.”

“We’re friends?” Lily whispered, a bit in awe, and doing her best not to lean against Pandora’s touch. They had never been very physical, probably because Lily was never sure of where they stood and she was afraid of overstepping Pandora’s boundaries. But after finding out how good Pandora’s skin felt against hers, she didn’t think she would be able to live without it anymore.

“Of course?” Pandora said, but she had replied too quickly, her smile faltering for a second and her sentence coming out more as a question. Lily frowned at this, raising her arm and covering the hand Pandora had on her face with her own, giving it a squeeze and relishing in the way Pandora’s eyes widened at the gesture.

“I’ve considered us friends for a while now,” Lily stated, wanting to scare all the doubt away from Pandora’s expression. “But I wasn’t sure if we were on the same page. I didn’t want to assume.”

Pandora relaxed again, and Lily barely managed to stop the relieved sigh that tried to escape her. She considered letting go of Pandora’s hand after that, but she discovered that she did not have the will to do so, and she simply squeezed it once more.

“We definitely are on the same page.”

“I’m glad.”

“Me too,” Pandora replied quietly, allowing her smile to decrease but without ever losing any of its sincerity. “And fuck James Potter.”

Lily let out a startled laugh, which sounded louder than she had intended. She covered her mouth quickly, looking around to make sure that there was no one near who could had heard her, and then laughed some more when Pandora started to cackle, watching her with such fondness that it made her heartbeat pick up, the heat in her stomach becoming more intense and the blush refusing to leave from its place high in her cheeks.

And, okay.

Okay.

Lily could recognise the signs, because even if she had only experienced them with James briefly and not to that degree, she wasn’t an idiot. But she was so comfortable around Pandora, so incredibly warm, that she didn’t feel the need to panic. She would probably curse her whole existence as soon as the other girl was out of sight, and end up spilling everything to Mary when she went back to her room, but until then, Pandora was there and she was safe.

Pandora made her feel like falling wasn’t that scary, because she would never have to worry about hitting the floor. Pandora would always be there to hold her through it. Even though, sadly, Lily knew it wasn’t as simple as that. Especially when they had just confirmed that they were only friends a few seconds ago.

“Fuck James Potter,” Lily agreed, still laughing softly. “But really, I’m not mad at him. He’s still one of my best friends, you know? And I don’t wanna lose that over this. I wouldn’t have wanted to lose it even if we had actually started dating. I’m mostly disappointed. And like I said, a bit upset.”

“I understand. And you did start looking lighter when you two finally decided to be friends. You smiled a lot more. There was even a little pep in your step during the first few days. It was lovely. I’m still hoping you’ll chew him out for this, though.”

Lily made an effort to keep her expression collected, willing her smile to stay where it was and her blush to not get worse. She wasn’t sure if she did a good job, however, considering the way her breath very audibly hitched. But no one could blame her, because how was she supposed to react when Pandora had admitted to having been watching her, in the same way Lily had been.

Did her eyes look for her in the crowd? Did she observe her in the Great Hall while she read and was almost unaware of her surroundings? Did she follow the curve of her smile, the sound of her laugh, the arch of her eyebrow when she raised it, just like Lily had spent months, had spent years, doing?

Did she think she was brilliant, too?

“Oh, I’ll chew him out alright,” Lily promised, relieved at how calm her voice had sounded. The only reason why her legs hadn’t failed her yet was only because Pandora’s hand was still in her face, her thumb drawing little reassuring circles against her skin. Her touch grounded her. “He’s not getting out of this one so easily.”

“Glad to hear that, Evans,” Pandora answered, a playful grin on her face that was almost enough to make Lily swoon right then and there. “It’s the least he deserves for leading you on. That mystery girl of his better be worth it.”

She really didn’t mean to, but Lily grimaced, looking away from Pandora’s eyes, that had become worried very fast. And she wanted to assure her that it wasn’t her fault, that she hadn’t said anything wrong, and that she very much appreciated all the reassurance and praise she was giving her. She didn’t believe that she was so amazing James was missing out, but Pandora made her feel like she was very special, like she was someone to be grateful for. It made Lily want to do something so very stupid, all common sense be damned.

But she couldn’t do that, nor explain to her that she wasn’t to blame, because then Lily would have to tell her why she had reacted like that. And that was a whole other issue altogether.

You see, there was something else bothering Lily about the whole ‘James kissing someone else’ situation. Although bothering wasn’t really the correct term for how Lily felt about it. Maybe it would be better to say that she was confused? A bit taken aback? Definitely startled, that was for sure. It was probably the main reason why she couldn’t be completely angry at James, even if she wanted to. She understood the secrecy, and even if it didn’t justify basically lying to her face and attempting to start something with her when he was obviously interested in someone else, she could see why he could be scared, or even unsure, of whatever he had going on with that other person. Why he hadn’t been able to be honest to Lily, or tell anyone about it.

Because whoever James had been kissing, it wasn’t a girl.

“Well, actually…” Lily started, feeling a bubble of nervous laughter climbing up her throat, her eyes settling in the wall behind Pandora. “It wasn’t… James wasn’t with… You know…”

Lily didn’t want to say it. She didn’t have the right to say it. And she would never do something like that to James, or to anyone, for that matter. She trusted Pandora, because of course she did, and she was sure that she would never tell a soul, or react badly to the information, but it was still sharing a part of James he had never confided in her with; and not to mention, she definitely didn’t have his consent.

However, Lily had never been a good liar, especially not when she was put on the spot. And she didn’t like the idea of being insincere with Pandora, or omitting part of the truth, even though she had good reasons for it and it was the right thing to do.

So it didn’t come as a surprise when, after Lily left her sentence broken and hanging in the air, letting it fill the sudden silence that had settled between them, the shadow of recognition obscured Pandora’s face. Her eyes widened and her eyebrows went up, her lips parting in a silent exhale. Lily winced, cursing herself for being so transparent, because of course Pandora would figure it out with a few stuttered words from her and the way her expression had twisted.

Before Lily had the chance to speak, all the surprise vanished from Pandora’s face, being replaced by furrowed brows, gritted teeth and lips pressed into a thin line. Pandora took a step back, pulling her hand away from Lily’s face, and she had to bite her tongue in order not to let out a whine at the loss of contact.

“Got a problem with that, do you?” Pandora said slowly, an unexpected coldness in her voice that slipped under Lily’s skin until she was left shivering, her limbs starting to freeze.

“What?” She spluttered, barely repressing the urge to wrap her fingers around Pandora’s wrist to pull her back in, closer to her, once more. “Of course not! Why would you even think that? I literally like—”

I literally like girls.

Lily closed her mouth before her tongue got to taste the words, her hands slowly curling into fists at her sides while her gaze slided towards the floor. She could feel the heat growing on her face, but that time, it was out of shame, although she wasn’t sure if it was because of Pandora’s assumptions or for what had almost come out of her lips.

“Yeah?” Pandora asked, her tone sounding so very soft, all the previous harshness completely gone. “What do you like?”

With a huff, Lily raised her head, her gaze pointedly fixed on Pandora, no sign of doubt on her expression. She didn’t answer, because she didn’t believe her voice wouldn’t fail her, and yet, it wasn’t necessary. Pandora took a sharp breath, her lips parting until they formed a silent ‘oh’, and,

yeah.

Oh.

“I can’t believe you thought, even if just for a second, that I could be a bigoted asshole,” Lily spat with a strangled voice, her shoulders trembling.

“I’m sorry,” Pandora mumbled, sounding tiny, her eyes fixed on Lily’s while she took a step forward, shortening the distance between them slowly but surely. “You seemed so upset when you mentioned it. I got scared and assumed the worst, and that was unfair to you. I know you would never be that prejudiced. I’m so sorry, Lily.”

She shook her head, letting out all the air she had been holding in without realising, and trying to force her accelerated heart to calm down. Lily felt a bit like screaming, because Pandora knew what she had almost said, she understood what the look she had given her as an answer meant. There was no way she didn’t. Pandora was brilliant, after all. But then, why was she still speaking to her as if nothing had changed between them? As if Lily hadn’t very possibly ruined everything?

“It’s okay, really, I get it,” Lily reassured her in a squeal, nervous laughter slipping in between her words, her gaze moving frantically from one spot to another, always making sure it missed Pandora. “Just… maybe don’t mention anything about this? James doesn’t know I know, and I shouldn’t have told you in the first place. I mean, I didn’t say it directly but, well, you know. I’ve never been good at lying and it’s especially hard with you. Anyways, I’m sure you would never, but I gotta ask you just in case, so please, please, don’t say a word about any of this. I really have to talk to James about it first, and—”

“Lily—” Pandora tried, taking another step closer, something Lily couldn’t recognize twinkling in her eyes.

“It’s not fair to out anyone without their consent, I know that, and I will apologise for it, but also, I really trust you? Or at least I want to. I truly do. You’ve never given me reasons not to. And I’m aware that this doesn’t make it any better, because it wasn’t my call, but, well, it’s already done, I suppose. I really ought to learn when to shut up, because this whole conversation has been a mess and I’m very s—”

“Lily, that’s not—”

“—very sorry, especially because of… because of that last bit. I, um, don’t know how to fix it, and it’s late to take it back now. Not that I want to! I meant what I said. Or, err, what I didn’t say. You know, when I gave you that look. What am I even saying, of course you understood that, you’re bloody brilliant. But yeah, I get it if you don’t want to talk to me for a while, or if you need some space. I wouldn’t want to make things uncomfortable between us, especially now that we’re friends. Because I really hope you still want to be—”

“Lily.”

Pandora’s tone was enough to cut Lily off and make her snap her head back up, her cheeks aflame and a terrible knot in her throat she was still trying to swallow down. However, Lily didn’t have time to assess the situation or try to analyse whatever expression Pandora was sporting, because before she even had the time to blink, there was a hand cupping her face and a pair of lips covering her own.

It wasn’t like Lily had imagined. She couldn’t hear any fireworks, or the standing ovation of an awaiting audience. She didn’t feel like she was floating, and the annoying butterflies had apparently abandoned her body. Instead, there was a spark, a little flicker of something, lighting up inside her stomach, accompanied by a lovely tingling that settled under her skin and rapidly spread across her limbs. Lily was acutely aware of Pandora’s fingers on her jaw, of how softly her mouth was pushing against her own, firm but gentle, like she always was with Lily. And it was oh so warm. Lily was convinced it was enough to make her melt.

It wasn’t like Lily had imagined.

Pandora was kissing her.

It was so much better.

The kiss ended far too soon, with Pandora pulling away slightly at the same time that a shaky exhale fell off Lily’s lips. Fortunately, she didn’t move far, letting their foreheads rest against each other, their breaths intermingling. Lily closed her eyes, knowing that she was smiling like a bloody fool, all her senses full of Pandora.

“You’re rambling,” Pandora whispered, almost as an afterthought, and Lily giggled against her mouth, her chest warm and her body light.

“Shut up,” Lily mumbled, and then she grabbed her by the tie and kissed her again.

That time, there wasn’t a trace of gentleness. That time, it felt more like a crash. Their mouths collided with hunger, with something akin to desperation, and Lily wasted no time in moving her lips, following Pandora’s rhythm while she let herself be guided until her back was resting against the shelf, one of Pandora’s hands still cradling her face while the other found its place on her waist. Lily could only hum in approval and wrap her arms around Pandora’s neck, trying to bring her even closer, needing her to touch every part of her body.

Lily felt something soft trying to press past her lips, and she opened her mouth with a gasp, allowing Pandora to swallow every little sound she made when their tongues met. Lily swore that she could see stars through her eyelids, the heat in her stomach exploding in fire and spreading at a terrifying pace towards the rest of her body while Pandora explored her mouth at will, her fingers resting at the side of her neck.

They parted for a second before they leaned in once again, unable to get enough of the other, with Lily burying her hands on Pandora’s hair and pulling when she felt her licking at her lips, licking into her mouth, a groan that could have come from any of them drowned between their kisses. Lily used her tongue to taste behind her teeth, along the roof of her mouth, and then bit down harshly on her lower lip, relishing on the soft moan Pandora let out while she pulled at it, tugging it with her when she pulled away from her mouth.

The two of them were breathing erratically, chest heaving and eyes darkened, but they managed to slow down little by little, her kisses turning shorter and more tender, with them using less tongue and teeth in them. Pandora gripped her hips tighter for a moment when Lily deepened one of their last kisses, as some sort of warning, and Lily smiled against her lips, sliding her tongue softly over her upper lip as an apology.

Pandora pecked her mouth one, two, three times before actually breaking it off, taking a few steps backwards as if she needed the physical distance to control herself. Lily had a hard time repressing the smug grin she could feel tugging at her lips.

“That was…” Pandora began, sounding out of air. There was a lovely pink dusting her cheeks, and Lily couldn’t stop looking at it.

“Yeah,” she agreed easily, her voice as breathless, if not more. She tucked her hair behind her ear, her face already hurting because of how much she was smiling, and Pandora’s gaze followed the movement.

“Does this mean…?” Pandora stopped herself, biting her lip and looking away momentarily. Lily got distracted by it embarrassingly quickly, her eyes fixated on her mouth before she caught herself and snapped them back up, relieved that Pandora hadn’t seemed to notice. “Well. Are we on the same page?”

“We definitely are. Especially after that.”

Pandora rolled her eyes, but she was smiling.

“Yeah, okay. But maybe we should talk about it. Just in case.”

“Sounds good,” Lily said with a little nod, her grin becoming more tender, softer. She couldn’t help herself and finally moved away from the shelf, walking towards Pandora and reaching out to grab her hand. “Tonight, then? Does that work for you?”

“Hmm,” Pandora’s attention was fully on their joined hands, as if nothing else in the world mattered as much as the fact that Lily was touching her. She gave a squeeze before she interlocked their fingers, and only then she raised her head again. “Why tonight, though? Why not now?”

“I really have to talk to James,” Lily sighed, rubbing her temple with her free hand. “This is important, and it concerns him, in a sense, so I don’t want to put it off.”

“You’re always so righteous,” Pandora said, and even if it came off as teasing, there was a genuine fondness in the way her mouth wrapped around the words. “I love that about you.”

Lily did her best to not get too hung up on the word ‘love’, but considering the way her breath hitched and the curious look Pandora gave her, she hadn’t managed to do so very well.

You see, she knew it was an off-handed comment. Pandora said the sweetest things in the most careless manner Lily had ever witnessed, as if she was unaware of the impact her words could have, even though Lily was convinced that it was the opposite. She knew, but, apparently, and with the way her heart gave a traitorous flip, she couldn’t get her body to understand.

She squirmed a little and looked away, hoping that her blush had faded enough to stop being so noticeable, before she returned Pandora’s gaze, whose head had started to tilt slightly to the right, like it always did when Pandora was having a hard time figuring something out. Lily welcomed the sudden wave of affection she felt at the sight with curved lips and kind eyes.

“So… I’ll see you tonight?” She said, almost in a whisper, her thumb caressing the back of Pandora’s hand. Lily was still trying to process that she was now allowed to do that. To touch Pandora tenderly, intimately.

“Tonight,” Pandora agreed in the same tone, bringing their faces closer, until their noses were almost touching. “I’ll let you know the time and place.”

“And how do you intend to do that?”

“I guess you’ll just have to wait and see.”

Lily laughed softly, shaking her head a little, and Pandora offered her one of those rare, precious grins of hers in which she showed all her teeth, her eyes twinkling and full of wrinkles at the corners.

She had just started to move away, with the intention of placing the few books she had left before running to find James, when Pandora pulled at their still joined hands, making Lily collide softly against her chest while she lowered her head enough to kiss her softly on the lips one last time.

Lily made a surprised sound which was quickly muffled by their connected mouths, but it didn’t take her long to melt into it, moving her lips delicately against Pandora’s, her hands finding the other girl’s shirt and gripping it tightly. Pandora’s free hand positioned itself at the end of Lily’s back, not pushing but stating its presence firmly, and Lily kissed her harder.

They separated before any of them had the chance to deepen the kiss, because then they probably wouldn’t get anything done for the rest of the morning, and Lily couldn’t help but whine quietly when Pandora’s lips moved away, her mouth chasing after them for a second before she caught herself.

Pandora giggled under her breath, and Lily, unable to resist it, got on her tiptoes to give Pandora one last peck.

“If you keep this up we’ll never stop,” she sighed, but there was no trace of annoyance in her expression, and she seemed to be holding back a grin.

“You started it,” Lily pointed out, crossing her arms and raising one eyebrow.

“That, I did,” Pandora conceded, bending down slightly just to place a brief kiss on Lily’s forehead. She scrunched her nose at the act, letting out a little huff, but she could already feel her cheeks heating up for the upteenth time that day. “You can’t blame me, though. I’ve wanted to kiss you for so long I don’t even remember a time when I didn’t.”

Lily felt the room tilt under her feet, her breath catching in her throat. She watched Pandora with wide eyes and parted lips, and she had to ignore the sudden urge to embrace the girl, wrap her between her arms. Lily’s heart was beating so fast she could hear it rumbling inside her head.

“I didn’t realise how bad I wanted you until you did,” Lily confessed in an exhale. “But now I can’t think about anything else. It’s driving me a bit mad, I think.”

There were arms around her shoulders before she had even stopped speaking, a lithe body wrapping around her tightly. Lily let out a trembling breath, and then she was reciprocating the hug, interlacing her hands behind Pandora’s back and resting her cheek on her shoulder, allowing her mind to overflow with Pandora’s touch, Pandora’s warmth, Pandora’s scent.

“You are driving me mad,” Pandora muttered against Lily’s hair, sounding absolutely devastated.

She pressed her closer for a few seconds, even though it seemed physically impossible, and then Pandora allowed her arms to fall, taking a step back with reluctance, a clear conflict showing in her face. As if breaking off a hug with Lily, as if moving even the slightest bit far from her, was inconceivable. Something that went against her own very nature.

Lily found it so incredibly lovely.

“Okay, I’m going now,” she said, and her voice sounded unsure even to herself. Pandora looked at her with both eyebrows raised, and Lily rolled her eyes, turning around to finally place the two books she had left in their place on the shelf.

She was done in the blink of an eye and, giving Pandora one last smile, something almost yearning in her gaze, Lily made her way out of the library, not needing to check to know for sure that Pandora had smiled back, feeling her gaze following her from behind.

Lily came across some students she knew before she left, greeting them with a little wave and a big smile, unable to stop beaming at absolutely everyone who she met along her way. There was a clear pep to her step, and more than a few heads turned when Lily passed by them, her tinted cheeks and glowing eyes stealing many curious glances.

Tonight, she thought to herself, the corners of her mouth going up, up, up. I’m seeing her tonight.

And if Lily touched her lips faintly, Pandora’s kisses still lingering there, something that could only be described as magic coursing through her veins, well, that was only for her to know.