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Chapter Text

Joel's eyes wrenched open and he found himself suddenly awake. The apartment was pitch black but for the glowing alarm clock at his bedside, and dead quiet but for the harsh ringing of his cellphone. He rolled on his side. 2:30 am. 

"Christ," he muttered, and reached for the phone. No one ever called, and definitely not at this hour. He cleared his throat. "Yeah?" he asked into the receiver.

"Detective?" a voice responded. It was small and familiar.

Joel sat up in his bed and rubbed at his aching eyes. "Who is this?"

"Ellie," she said. "We talked last week... in your office?"

We talked... Funny way of saying he'd brought her into the station after he found her burying a cleaver into a dead man's face. Joel had been following a trail of disappearances that led him to a shady looking farmhouse out in the boonies. He'd heard screaming from the cellar and kicked the door in. He drew his revolver and descended the steps when he saw her, soaked in blood, looming over the mutilated corpse of his prime suspect. Then he'd spotted the human remains hanging along the walls and the homemade prison cell in the far corner, and pieced it all together. Forensics identified every one of the missing persons in that cellar; all of them chopped up and preserved to be eaten. All except for Ellie, who had never even been reported missing.

"Yeah, I remember," he responded. She had barely said a word to him when he brought her in.

"You gave me your number, in case..."

In case you need it. "What's goin' on, kid?"

There was a long pause. "Is there any way we could talk again?" she whispered. "Like now?"

Joel didn't work Saturdays, much less Saturdays at 2:30 in the morning, but the way her voice cracked told Joel it was urgent.

He was already out of bed and shuffling his pants on. "Where are you? I can pick you up and get us some breakfast on my way in. How's that sound?"

"No," she said, a little too quickly, then cleared her throat. "Give me your address, I can just come to you."

Hmm. Joel paused, leaving his shoe half-tied. "I live downtown, kid, why don't you—"

"No, just..." she interrupted. "Please, just tell me where I can find you."

Joel pinched the bridge of his nose to ward off a headache, and gave her the address.

She'd almost cut his head off when he pulled her off of David's body in that cellar. Don't fucking touch me, she screamed. He wrestled the knife away and half expected her to kill him with her bare hands. The look in her bloodshot eyes was wild until she'd caught sight of the police badge on his breast pocket and collapsed. The adrenaline draining from her body, she fell forward into Joel's chest and caught her breath.

Without a second thought, he'd wrapped his coat around the girl's shoulders and led her upstairs to the car. He sat her in the passenger seat and cranked the heater before radioing the station. She didn't say a word on the drive. When they'd gotten back to his office, Joel wasn't even sure she was listening to his questions. Where do you live?, he asked. Nowhere, she said. After maybe an hour of dodging questions, she left.

If I'm not under arrest, then I can leave. 

Joel couldn't argue with the facts. He saw her buying a soda at the vending machine on her way out.

Now, he sat awkwardly at his dining table and sipped on a cup of coffee, waiting for a knock at the door. Joel wasn't in the habit of giving his address out and almost considered keeping his gun on him just in case. He thought better of it in the end, not wanting to spook the kid.

What felt like an eternity passed while he sat, but it was probably more like an hour. When the knock finally came, Joel was at the door in a flash.

"Hey," he greeted quietly.

"Hi," Ellie responded. She was wearing a dark long sleeve t-shirt that was more than a few sizes too big, and the most beat-up pair of converse Joel had ever seen. She was holding his coat. "Thought you might want this back," she said.

Gently, he took it from her. "That ain't why you came, is it?"

Ellie chuckled. "Can I come in?"

Joel realized suddenly that he had been blocking the door like a jackass. Quickly, he stepped aside. "Of course."

She stepped past him and he closed the door behind them. She wandered through the hall, looking around at the embarrassingly sparse decorations and smiling faintly to herself. "Should I take my shoes off?" she asked.

"No," Joel said, secretly growing irritated. He didn't ever have people over, and he could remember why as the kid's eyes lingered over his private life.

"You look tired," she said.

"Yeah," he scoffed. "Don't usually get visitors in the middle of the night."

"That's too bad."

Joel let some of the tension out of his jaw and took a breath. "You want some coffee?" he managed.

The girl made a face. "Fucking gross, no."

"Well," he groaned, "you want something to eat?" She was practically skin and bones.

"Um," Ellie began, pressing the toe of her sneaker into the floor. She didn't seem to know what to say. "Is there somewhere I can sit down?" she asked. "I've kinda been on my feet all day."

Joel sighed dramatically, still trying not to sound too annoyed. "Yeah, couch is through there," he said finally and pointed down the hall.

Ellie bit her lip and clasped her hands awkwardly. "Cool." She turned and headed for the living room.

Joel grabbed his coffee from the dining table and came to meet her, sitting stiffly in his recliner across from her. The kid was sitting cross-legged on the couch with her backpack in her lap. He took a sip from his mug. "What's going on, kid?" He tried his best to sound casual. Being a homicide detective didn't usually mean working with kids. Those weren't the kinds of cases Joel went looking for, at least.

"This is so stupid," she said. "Sorry for waking you up." She started to stand.

"Well, hold on now," Joel called. "Relax for a second." He eased back into his seat when she finally sat back down. "This is all off the record if you want it to be. Just tell me what's going on."

Ellie eyed the front door and fiddled with the straps on her pack before she responded. "It's nothing. Really, I just—" She shook her head. "I got mugged earlier and kinda panicked. I didn't know who else to call." She scoffed at herself, clearly avoiding eye contact.

"Did you get a look at the guy?" Joel asked. "Where was this?"

"No," she said with a wave of her hand, "it's not like that. I'm fine." She unzipped her bag and pulled out a can of ginger ale. "It's just something that happens sometimes, nobody got hurt."

Something that happens sometimes.

"I really don't know why I called," she continued, "I sorta freaked out, and I still had your number, and you're a cop and everything." She was rambling. Her eyes drifted to the door again. "I didn't realize how late it was. I'm really sorry I—"

"It's fine," Joel interrupted. He sounded more irritated than he meant to. "Why don't you just hang out a minute, I've got somebody I can call..." He fished his phone out of his pocket and switched it on.

"No!" Ellie shouted, stopping him in his tracks. "I don't need..." She collected herself, and continued in a lower voice, "I can take care of myself. I don't need any help." She wiped a hair off of her forehead and raised her chin. "I don't know what I was thinking. Sorry I woke you up." She stood up and threw her backpack on, heading for the door.

Joel set his mug down and chased after her. "Wait up, kid." As she reached for the doorknob, he set a firm hand on her shoulder. "Just hold on a second."

She spun around in an instant as a sharp pain appeared across the side of Joel's face. "Don't fucking touch me!" Ellie barked. She'd nailed him right in the cheek with her ginger ale. Joel stumbled back and held his face as the soda rolled across the floor, fizzing out on to the carpet.

"What the fuck?" he hissed. He pulled his hand away to see if he was bleeding. Negative, but it was definitely going to bruise. He felt a familiar rage inside his ribs as he looked at Ellie, her wild eyes meeting his.

"Don't touch me," she repeated, this time almost a whisper. Then slowly the intensity drained from her face and her eyebrows knit closer together. Joel felt his own anger dying as well.

"Fuck," she breathed. "I'm sorry. Do you—" She paused as she spotted the soda stain at his feet. "Do you have ice or something?"

"Yes," Joel growled. "I have ice."

"Just wait here," she said and sped into the kitchen. Joel picked the empty soda up and followed her. He watched Ellie open the freezer and pile some ice on to a dish rag while he cautiously shuffled past her to dispose of the can.

Ellie bundled the makeshift ice pack up and handed it to Joel. "I'm really sorry. I know you didn't mean anything by it."

He accepted the ice pack and held it to his cheek. It stung worse than he expected; she'd really nailed him. "I shouldn't've grabbed you."

"It's okay," she said, and took a breath. "It's just been kind of a night."

"I get it," he offered. The pain was starting to numb.

"I don't make a habit of hanging out with old men in their apartments alone," she continued. "I wasn't really thinking when I came here. It all kinda caught up with me and I just panicked."

Joel snorted. "Old, huh?"

Ellie almost smiled. "Yeah."

Joel set the ice pack down and allowed himself a moment to think. A good part of him was still pretty pissed off, but he didn't think he could let the girl go back out on the street in good conscience. "Why don't you let me buy you something to eat?" he said.

Ellie held on to the straps of her backpack. "I'm not getting in your car."

"Then we'll walk," he replied. She didn't appear convinced. "Look," he said. "I want you to tell me what's going on, and we can go somewhere more public to talk if it'll make you less jumpy."

Her face softened, if only a little. "Alright," she said softly, "but I get to pick the place."

Joel threw on his newly returned coat on the way out. The girl had clearly washed it. Joel chuckled. "Nothing further than a couple of blocks," he said, "just found out I'm old."

Ellie picked a corner diner right outside the building, and shuffled into a booth way in the back. "Have you been here before?" she asked.

Joel scratched his chin. "Maybe for coffee." He walked to the bar and got a couple of menus, a cup of coffee, and a ginger ale for the kid.

"Thanks," she said with a chuckle. "Your cheek is starting to bruise." She pointed as if he wasn't sure which one.

He sipped his coffee and gave her a moment to look over the menu. "You know what you want?"

"Yep," she said curtly.

A waitress came over after a minute to top their drinks off, and was surprised to find them both already empty. "Are you ready to order?" she asked, much too polite for someone working graveyard at a place like this.

Ellie pointed to something on the menu. "I'll have the Big Cheeseburger and the Good French Fries," she said, in a mock-Texas accent.

Joel rolled his eyes. "Make that two."

As the waitress gathered the menus and turned away, Ellie piped up again. "Oh! And do you guys have a kids' menu? I want to do the maze or whatever." The woman smiled and retreated behind the bar.

Joel tapped his knuckles on the table to get the girl's attention. "You gonna be alright if I ask you some questions?"

Ellie shrugged. "Shoot." She was still avoiding eye contact.

"Do you know that you weren't reported missing?" he asked, as softly as he could manage.

"Yeah. I don't know who would've reported it."

"How long were you there?" In that cellar.

Ellie sighed and took a drink of her soda. "Aren't you like... finished with this case?" she asked. "I kinda wrapped it up for you, didn't I?"

Joel wasn't sure what to say. How to even broach a topic like that. "S'pose you did." 

"So what are you looking for?" she asked, her tone turning abrasive.

Guilt spiked in Joel's stomach. "I'm just trying to help," he said. "If you don't have anywhere to go, a kid like you has some options for getting—"

"Ooookay," Ellie butted in, "I know you're like a cop and everything, but I can handle myself." She met his eyes, challenging him. "I appreciate the meal, but you can spare me the speech."

Joel bristled at that. "Do you even know where you're gonna be sleeping tonight?"

"It's like 4am," she shot back, "I think I'm up."

"What about tomorrow?" He caught himself raising his voice.

"I seem to be doing alright so far." Now she was matching his volume.

"What are you gonna do if you get mugged again?" Before he knew it, he was shouting.

"I told you I'm fine! I handled it," she shouted back.

"You're a kid, Ellie!"

She put her hands flat on the table and leaned forward. "Back off."

Joel pinched the bridge of his nose. "What happens when I have to come find you again, huh?" He stared at his coffee, not wanting to see the girl's reaction. "We gonna have this conversation again when I have to pull you off another dead pervert?" He looked up. Ellie was staring back at him, stiff and furious. "I sure as hell hope I get there in time." He knew what an asshole he was, even before he got the words out.

Ellie's face shifted into something worse than anger. Betrayal, maybe? 

"Fuck you," she said, quieter than Joel expected. She looked around the room, embarrassed, and Joel realized suddenly that he was in a public setting. I sure as hell hope I get there in time. The waitress pretended she wasn't paying attention, an old guy across the bar gave him the stink eye and the few other customers just whispered to each other. His eyes fell back on to Ellie, who somehow looked even smaller now.

"I get that you're a tough kid," he said, "but it isn't enough out there." Her eyes were soft now, and he noticed for the first time how exhausted she looked. "It's not," he reiterated.

"You didn't save me," she murmured, "you fucking pig."

"I know," he said.

They sat in silence until their food arrived. The waitress set their plates down and turned away without a word. Neither of them touched their Big Cheeseburger.

Joel took a sip of his coffee and tried to unclench his jaw. "Don't tell me you're not gonna eat?"

Ellie didn't respond. She just scanned the kids' menu.

"Look," Joel said with a sigh, "I'll leave you alone if you want, but you gotta promise me you'll eat that."

She nodded, not looking up.

"Okay," he said, and rose from his seat. "You still have my number?"

She huffed. "You can finish your food before you go. I don't mind." Her eyes stayed locked on the kids' menu as she plucked a fry from her plate and put it in her mouth.

"You're sure?" he asked.

"Yes. I'm not answering any more questions, though."

"Fair deal," he said as he settled back into his seat. He took a bite of his cheeseburger and washed it down with a gulp of coffee. Ellie tore through her fries first. "Are those fries as good as it says?" he asked.

"Oh yeah."

"Don't fill up on sides, now. You need the protein." He was surprised how easy the advice-giving came back to him.

"Thanks, mom," she joked.

Joel frowned. "So..." he began, wiping some ketchup from his lip, "where are your parents anyway?"

Ellie gave him a look through a mouth full of fries and wagged a finger. "No questions, officer. I believe that was the deal."

"It's not a cop question," he said, "just conversation. And my name is Joel."

Her face brightened a little at that. "Well it's nice to finally meet you, Officer Joel." She reached a skinny hand across the table and waited for him to shake it.

Don't fucking touch me echoed back and forth between his ears. He reached out and gently shook her hand. "Pleasure's all mine."

The waitress came back when they had just about finished and scooped up their plates. "Everything alright over here?" She was looking at Ellie.

"Oh yeah," Ellie responded, "this guy was trying to molest me, but I talked him out of it."

The woman froze like a deer in headlights, nearly dropping the plates to the floor. Joel choked on his last sip of coffee. A moment of agonizing silence passed before Ellie chuckled like a dumb kid and smacked her knees. "I'm just fucking with you," she laughed. "We're fine."

"Ma'am," Joel coughed. "I'm a detective, just interviewing a witness about a case." He flashed his badge and hoped Ellie's idea of a joke didn't carry to the other customers.

"Really," Ellie insisted, "he's cool, I'm just being an asshole."

The woman composed herself and took the rest of their dishes. "The sense of humor on this one."

"No kidding." Joel paid in cash and left a sizable tip. Ellie followed him out, giggling to herself all the way.

"That really didn't land in there, huh?"

He snorted. "No, it didn't land." They stepped down on to the sidewalk and the cold night air picked at Joel's bruise.

"Thanks for the burger, Officer Joel. And I'm sorry about your cheek." She clasped her hands and kicked a pebble into the street.

Joel had a pit in his stomach that he couldn't quite explain. There was a right answer here, and it definitely wasn't sending the kid back out into the night, but he wasn't equipped for much else. "Hey listen, kid," he said, before he could second guess himself. "It's cold. And it's late. Why don't stay a night at my place and we can talk about—"

"Hard pass," she interrupted. Her voice was light, friendly still, but she was serious. "Look I don't really think you're a creep or anything, but you really can't be too safe out here. Like you said, man, lot of perverts out there." She gave him a shrug. "I appreciate it, but I don't take those kinds of chances."

Joel put a hand up in defense. "Just hear me out a second." She shifted on her feet, looking uneasy. "That case of yours ain't totally finished. Most of being a detective is just paperwork, and I'm more than a little behind." He gave her a moment to interject, but she just watched him, listening. "I don't usually work Saturdays, but ain't no harm in going in and getting caught up."

"I'm not really following." she said.

"I'm saying... and no offense, kid... you look mighty tired." He ignored the way she rolled her eyes. "Why don't you go on back to my place and sleep it off while I'm at the station. It'll be just you there until—."

"What, so you can sneak in and murder me in my sleep?"

"If you keep interrupting me maybe," he shot back. "I'll leave you the house key, if you promise not to take off without returning it."

She was clearly turning it over in her head. Joel felt sick to think that this felt like a real danger to her, and he wasn't sure how to convince her otherwise. "If you don't wanna be there when I get back, just leave it under the mat."

"And you don't have another key?" she asked.

"Just the one."

"And no one else has one."

Joel considered lying, but hesitated a second too long.

"Oh!" Ellie said, catching his expression. "See that? Nope. I'm out."

"Alright, easy," he said. "My partner, Tess has one, but she's never had to use it."

Ellie raised an eyebrow at that.

"Detective partner," he clarified. "She insisted on it. I have one of hers too."

"Tess?" Ellie asked.

"Yes," he answered. "Tess; a woman. And she definitely won't be coming by anyway. She'll probably be sorting through papers all day with me."

Ellie kicked the back of her shoe and cracked her knuckles. "Can I talk to her real quick?"

Joel cocked an eyebrow. "Now?"

"Yeah, like on the phone. Gotta make sure you didn't make her up just now."

Joel sighed and pulled his phone out of his pocket. "You're thorough, kid. I'll give you that much." He tapped his screen a few times and put the phone on speaker. It rang a few times, and he worried briefly that she wasn't going to answer. Right when Ellie started to look suspicious, though, she picked up.

"Joel?" came a voice, hardly awake.

"Hey, Tess," he grumbled. "I got somebody here who wants to speak with you."

"What the fuck?" she groaned. "Who are you hanging out with at 4 in the morning?"

Joel handed the phone to Ellie, who suddenly looked nervous. "Uh, hi."

"Uh," Tess responded. "Hi."

"So," Ellie started, "I was just wondering... what three words would you use to describe Joel?"

"Ellie," he groaned.

"Old. Grumpy. Asshole," Tess chuckled. "Too easy, give me a harder one."

Ellie laughed and Joel rolled his eyes, but he noticed her posture relax a bit. "Yeah I picked up on all that... I just wanted a close, personal source to verify that he isn't a serial killer or anything."

"Of course not, honey, why do you ask?" she sounded concerned now. Involved, in the way that Tess gets.

"No it's totally fine!" Ellie replied. "He was just helping me out with something, and you can never be too safe, y'know?"

"Yeah, kid, I get it," she said, "But Joel is as safe as they come. Like I said, grumpy old asshole sometimes but he's a dad, honey; you can trust him."

Joel felt his breath catch and tried not to let it show. Of course, Tess, always the gossip.

Ellie seemed satisfied then, said her thanks and her goodbye, and handed the phone back to Joel.

"You staying home today?" he asked into the phone.

"And let you have all the fun in the records room? Fat chance," she joked.

"Alright," he hid his sudden irritation as best as he could, "I'll be seeing you."

"See ya, Texas. Be nice to the kid, if you can manage it." Joel hung up.

"You have kids?" Ellie asked immediately. Of course she asked.

Joel took a breath. This would be a bad time to ruin whatever momentum he'd earned himself, so he steadied his temper. "Not in a long time," he said. Then before she could respond, he turned and started walking back toward the apartments. He could hear her footsteps following behind, a bit closer than before.

Joel pushed the bedroom door open and gestured widely around the room. "I like to think it's pretty comfortable," he said. "Not particularly fancy."

Ellie leaned past him, peeking her head in to get a look.

"I don't mind you sleeping in here, just try not to make a mess," he continued. "The bedroom door locks, if that helps any."

"Nice," she replied, probably just to fill the air.

"Bathroom across the hall. Feel free to shower," he said, resting his hands on his hips. "Don't use all my beard oil, though."

Ellie snorted. She was noticeably more relaxed after talking to Tess. Joel tried not to think about it too hard. He slid his phone and wallet into his pockets and pulled his house key from the ring. "Now I'm serious, don't take off with this and leave me locked out."

Ellie took the key and zipped it up in her backpack. "Relax old man, I'll leave it under the rug."

"Alright," he said, walking to the door, "I'll be back here by 6 or 7..." He wasn't really sure what else to say.

He pulled a twenty from his wallet and set it on the table. Ellie went to refuse, but Joel cut her off. "I suggest you get some sleep, kid, but if you wanna leave for food or something and come back that's fine. Just make sure that key's here when I am."

"I'm not trying to steal your key!" she shouted, but a smile had made its way across her cheeks.

Joel gave her a final glance before turning and opening the front door. He felt weird. "If you're still here when I get back," he said over his shoulder, "I get to pick the food tonight." And with that he was gone.

Chapter Text

The elevator slowed to a halt and the doors rattled open. The hallway was quiet this morning. Joel stepped out into the morbid yellow lighting and marched silently to his office. He thought the place was kinda nice in the hours before everyone got in. The withering grey carpets and beige patterned wallpaper lent a certain charm to the place that some of Joel's colleagues couldn't quite appreciate. He stopped at the coffee machine and looked to the clock on the wall. It had only just passed 5 am. On a Saturday, he reminded himself with a sigh. The only person who'd be in already was the sergeant.

Joel walked down the hall past his office to the one at the end of the hall. Sergeant Miller, read the plaque on the door. He knocked twice and let himself in.

"Maria," he greeted.

"Joel," she nodded, "what're you doing here?"

He closed the door behind him and set his coffee on the desk. She eyed him suspiciously as he sat down across from her and patted his legs. "Funny you should ask," he said.

Maria cocked an eyebrow. "What's this about?"

Joel scratched at his chin and wished he'd rehearsed this first. "I reckon you heard something about last week."

"Yeah," she replied. "Congratulations. When I put you on that case I thought it'd be one of those that just goes on and on."

"So did I."

"Well good work wrapping it up, detective," she said, and Joel couldn't quite tell if she was mocking him or not.

"Did you hear about the kid I brought in?"

Maria chewed her cheek for a moment. "The girl," she answered, "the victim that killed your killer."

Joel clicked his tongue affirmatively. "She wouldn't answer 'bout anything when I brought her in. Just took off on her own last week, but..." he drawled, "the kid's sitting in my living room right now."

Maria leaned forward, urging him to continue.

"She's on her own, I think. Real jumpy," he continued. "Real tired."

"Is she staying with you?"

Joel ignored the look of sympathy on her face. "I just left her there for the day so she could catch some sleep."

Maria leaned back in her seat like she was trying to figure something out.

"So what do you think?" Joel asked.

Maria bit her lip. "What do I think?"

"She doesn't want my help. I get the feeling she's been through the system before." 

'Is she going to school?"

"I doubt it."

Maria looked up in thought, then reached across the desk and took a sip of Joel's coffee. "Ugh," she winced. "You don't put any cream?"

Joel scooted the cup closer toward him. "I like it just fine."

"Well," she said, "do we know how she ended up in that farmhouse?"

Joel shrugged. "Kidnapped would be my bet. Homeless kid's an easy mark."

"She really should be in foster. That'd be best."

"She won't go for that," he said, and shook his head. "Maybe she'd have better luck at the shelter."

"I wouldn't bet on it. Probably full, anyway," Maria huffed.

"Well you wouldn't happen to know anyone looking for a teenager, would you?" He pinched the bridge of his nose. He could feel a headache coming.

Maria paused for a moment. "I'll do some asking around," she said finally. "Can you hang on to her for now?" She sounded a little too sincere.

Joel got up from his seat with a groan. Maybe he was old. "I can't tell you for sure she'll stick around. She ain't much for company."

Maria gave him a sad look. "Alright, Joel."

Joel sat at his desk for the next several hours typing away at his computer, sorting through boxes of papers, and emptying the coffee machine. Tess came in around noon and immediately restructured his terrible workflow. She sat across from him and sorted, filed, and streamlined until the sun started to go down. She had never been much for small talk, but a busier day at the office was especially quiet. She stood up occasionally to refill their cups or stretch, but it was otherwise total monotony. As the offices slowly emptied and the day grew late, she got up to drop their reports on Maria's desk and came back to find Joel working a crick out of his neck. It was closing in on 7 o'clock.

"Careful, Texas, don't snap a vertebrae." She walked around behind his chair and pushed her palms into his shoulders. Her thumbs worked slow circles into the back of his neck. "You're getting too old for all this sitting around."

He chuckled. "Sitting around's all I wanna do." He almost felt awkward, but he couldn't deny himself the pleasures of a good shoulder massage.

Tess finished up and ruffled his hair obnoxiously. "So who's the kid?"

"Ellie Williams," he replied. He knew she'd know the name, having just copied it on to about a dozen different documents.

"The David kid?" she practically gasped. "Jesus Christ." She wasn't at the station when Joel brought Ellie in, but she was more than familiar with the case.

"Tell me about it," he said. "I left her my phone number before. Guess she got herself into some trouble and had to use it."

"She's staying with you?" Tess asked.

Joel found himself sick of talking about it. "I just left her the place to sleep this morning. That's why I came in; she ain't much for company."

"Yeah, it didn't sound like it," she said, her eyebrows drawn low. "On the phone, I mean."

Joel drained his remaining coffee and rose to his feet.

"What are you gonna do with her?" Tess asked. Incapable of not getting involved, Joel thought.

"Ask Maria," he sighed. "She's looking around for me."

"Oh," Tess mouthed. Her gears were turning. "Y'know her and Tommy are trying for a baby again?"

Joel's brow knit tight above his nose. He did not know. He grunted something affirmative sounding and made for the door. His brother and Maria hadn't had much luck with that in the past, and Tommy had had his own reservations about kids anyway. Joel felt the familiar pit in his stomach growing the way it always did. Spilling over into his chest and around his lungs.

"You clocking out, Texas?" Tess could always tell what he was thinking, but she was kind enough not to mention it. This time, at least.

"Yep." He took a breath and composed himself. "I'll see you on Monday."

"See ya."

Joel stopped for gas on his way home. He thought about going in and grabbing a soda for Ellie, but bristled at the idea of bringing it back to an empty apartment.

He filled his tank and drove off.

He stepped off the elevator to his floor and felt embarrassed at the way his heartbeat picked up. As he approached the door, he first checked under the mat... and found she had left him the key. Joel's heart sank despite his better judgement. Part of him felt something like relieved, but the rest of him felt like shit. Some sort of fear or disappointment or whatever else it was he'd managed to avoid for the last however many years. She'd gone. He unlocked the door and walked into his apartment. 

He hung his coat by the door and emptied his pockets. The soda spot on the floor had been cleaned up but there would still be a bit of a stain. His twenty dollars was still there on the table, and next to it... an open soda can. He picked it up and found that it was half full. He scratched his chin and walked across the hall. His bedroom door was shut.

He reached for the knob and turned it slowly. Locked. Joel held his breath. After a moment, he heard a quiet snore on the other side.

The kid was still asleep. Joel had been gone 14 hours, and she was still fast asleep. She had looked like she needed it, too. Joel stepped quietly down the hall into the living room and switched on the TV. He lowered himself into his recliner and kept the volume low, flipping to a black and white movie channel, and set the remote down. Some old Humphrey Bogart mystery came on, and Joel did his best to pay attention as his eyelids got heavy. Something about a dame? A double cross?

He was out before the twist.

He woke with a gasp from a nightmare he already couldn't remember. Thank God. He was slumped over awkwardly in his chair, and his neck hurt.

"You mumble in your sleep," came a voice.

Joel was surprised to see Ellie sitting on the far end of the couch, a blanket from his bed bunched up around her legs.

"I hate bad dreams," she said.

Joel pinched the bridge of his nose. "Me too."

She shifted. "I didn't mean to sleep for so long. You can have your bed back now, I'll get out of your hair."

Joel turned to the TV again. Humphrey Bogart said something in a funny accent, and he couldn't tell if it was the same movie as before. "It's just getting good," he said, pointing to the screen.

Ellie sneered. "This movie fucking sucks. All these movies fucking suck."

How long had she been there watching? Joel almost glanced at his watch, but caught himself. The clock on the wall read 11:15 pm. He picked up the remote and tossed it to her. "Be my guest."

She caught it and stared for a moment, then set it down. "Is it cool if I hang out here tonight?" she asked, looking down at her knees. "I'm gonna be up all night now, and I don't really wanna be anywhere."

I don't really wanna be anywhere.

Joel almost smiled. "Make yourself at home, kiddo."

Ellie met his gaze and tried to hide a smile. "Thanks, Officer Joel." She picked the remote up and flipped channels until something more colorful came on.

"Classic," Joel said, as the Jurassic Park theme came blasting through the speakers.

"Is this a dinosaur movie?" she asked, reading the title.

"What, you've never seen this?"

"Unh-uh."

Joel managed to doze off in the first half despite Ellie's incessant commentary. Why's this guy such a dick? What was his name again? Woah, this is from the 90's? How'd they do that? How old were you when this came out then, like 70? Did you see it in theaters?

Eventually though, as the movie ramped up and she found herself totally engrossed, Joel could finally drift off unnoticed.

...

"Joel." A pause. "Joel!"

His eyes fluttered open and he found that the credits were rolling. He hardly noticed he'd fallen asleep. "Yeah?"

"You're too old to sleep sitting up," Ellie teased. "Go to bed."

Joel rubbed at his eyes. His neck was in pretty bad shape, and his bed sounded good. "You sticking around?"

She scratched her nose and sighed. "Yeah, I guess. I feel kinda awkward about the whole thing."

"I reckon I do too," he admitted. "You'll notice I don't get a lot of company around here."

Ellie smirked. "Not even Tess?"

He snorted, not sure what to say to that.

Ellie's smile softened and she stretched out across the couch. "Alright, well... I'm just gonna watch more shitty movies out here."

Joel's knees popped harshly as he rose to his feet and Ellie chuckled. "You gonna be hungry?" he asked.

"I'll go get food if I'm hungry."

"Fair enough." He turned to leave.

"Hey, Joel?" Ellie called, before he was gone. "Do you really have kids?"

Joel looked away and tried to ignore the pit in his stomach. Did she think he'd been lying? "I had a daughter when I was younger," he said. His head was suddenly pounding. "Sarah."

"Oh," Ellie breathed. "I was just curious. Sorry."

"Yeah," he whispered. "That's okay, Ellie." Then he turned and went to bed. 

Joel was long in the habit of sleeping in on Sundays. It had been many years since he'd gone to church, and it wasn't like anyone was usually waiting on him for breakfast. So after a long week like this one, Joel would often sleep into the afternoon.

This particular Sunday though, Joel awoke to the sound of the shower across the hall. It wasn't even 8 am. He rolled over, burying his nose in a pillow, and shut his eyes.

No luck. He was up. He'd been doing his best not to think about the fact that there was a little stranger running around his house when he wasn't looking. Seeing his things, opening his drawers, observing his life. He didn't mind sharing his food, or his bed, or his shampoo; a kid should have those kinds of things, but he was starting to feel his well-maintained privacy starting to peel away. It was getting under his skin.

And now he couldn't sleep. He sat up out of bed and ran a hand down his beard. He wouldn't be able to brush his teeth or pee for the time being, his typical morning routine, so he walked into the kitchen and started a pot of coffee. Should he make breakfast? Joel never ate breakfast, but it sort of seemed like the thing to do. He peeked into the fridge to find a door full of condiments, a half a gallon of milk, and a couple slices of cheesecake that were probably long expired. Ellie had put a few cans of ginger ale in one of the vegetable drawers. Cute. He wondered what else she had in that backpack.

When Ellie finally emerged from the bathroom, she was wearing a fresh set of clothes and looked like a totally different kid. Joel was shocked at how much redder her hair was than he'd thought, and how the dark rings around her eyes had begun to clear away. He thought with a bit of guilt that he should wash his bedding. She came to meet him by the dining table, where he was working at his third or fourth cup of coffee and fumbling with the crossword. "Hope I didn't wake you up," she said with a grimace, "I tried to wait 'til morning to let you sleep, but I was in pretty desperate need of shampoo. And your shower is so fucking loud."

"Old pipes," Joel responded. "And don't worry about me, I'm an early bird." He thought that sounded pretty convincing.

"Welllllll..." she droned, "what are you up to today?"

He gave her a look. She was wearing a Mortal Kombat sweatshirt that looked older than her. "Not much," he said. "I was thinking about breakfast."

"Beyond just coffee, you mean?"

"You wanna give that diner another shot?" he asked. "See if they can make a half-decent pancake?"

Ellie made a face. "Pancakes are only good for like three bites."

"They got a whole menu full of options." He took a sip from his coffee and tried to read the girl's confusing expression.

"Look, man," she started, "you're pretty cool as far as cops go, and I really do appreciate you letting me sleep here. But, what're you getting at?"

Joel lowered his eyebrows. "What am I getting at?"

"Yeah, like..." Ellie rocked on her heels. "Like, what's your goal here? Are you trying to get me to live with you or something?"

Joel frowned at that. "Not what I had in mind, kid. Believe me." He stood up from his seat and Ellie backed away slightly. "I just don't feel good about letting some kid out on the street, that's it."

"I told you I can handle myself."

"I don't doubt it, Ellie. Really, I don't." He sounded madder than he meant to. "But you of all people know how dangerous it is. For a girl your age? Come on."

Ellie scoffed. "I don't have a lot of other options, Joel!" Her lip quivered the slightest bit. "I've looked."

Joel deflated. "Look kid," he sighed, "I've got some more questions I want to ask you, and I don't want you to feel cornered." He scooted his chair in under the table. "Could you humor me? For an hour?"

Ellie wiped at her eyes and steeled herself. "Fine," she said. "But I'm paying for myself."

"Deal."

They sat down in the same booth, and the same waitress came to greet them. "Hey, you two," she said politely. "Can I get you started with anything?"

"Can I get a coffee and a Denver omelette?" Joel replied.

"And you little lady?" She turned to Ellie.

"I will have a bowl of frosted flakes, please," the girl said. "And a ginger ale."

Joel winced at that combination. The waitress took the menus and walked off to another table. The diner was significantly busier than last time, but still pretty sparse.

"Alright, old man, here's the deal," Ellie said, a considerable authority in her voice. "For every question you ask me, I get to ask one back. And you have to be honest."

Joel would rather die. She must've been able to see it in his face, and quickly added an addendum. "And I'll only be as mean as you! So softball question will be met with softball questions."

Joel pinched his nose. It was fair, if nothing else. "Alright, I'll bite," he groaned.

He took a sip of his coffee and thought about what Maria had said. "How long have you been on your own?"

Ellie looked at the ceiling like she was doing math in her head. "Little less than a year," she said. "But I've never had any parents, if that's what you're asking." She clasped her hands together, clearly thinking of a return question.

Joel's chest tightened with anxiety, until finally Ellie leaned forward and asked, "Were you ever married?"

"Yeah," he said, relaxing some, "for a little while."

"How long ago?" Ellie chirped. She looked like she'd just stumbled on a million bucks.

"More than thirty years," he said. "My turn."

Ellie fell back into her seat and crossed her arms.

"Have you been in school at all?" he said, hoping that wasn't insulting.

"Duh," she mocked. "I've done up through middle school. That was also a little less than a year ago. No high school yet."

Yet.

"So..." she thought out loud, "have you always been a cop?"

"What, like since diapers?" Ellie rolled her eyes and he continued. "No, I did construction for a long time. Didn't start all this up until Boston."

"How does that happen?"

"Well," he drawled, "my brother's wife, Maria; she's the sergeant up at the station, and I guess she thought it'd be a good fit."

"Huh," Ellie cocked her head. "So you've got like a whole family and stuff."

"Most people do," he said.

"I just can't imagine you, like, at Thanksgiving," she laughed. "You've got like a lone ranger kind of thing about you."

Joel chuckled at that. "Don't try and butter me up for the easy questions now."

Ellie met his eyes with a soft smile. "I don't know," she said. "I kinda like you as a construction worker. It suits you better."

Joel thought he might agree. He missed the woodworking especially. "Anyway," he said, "were you ever in foster care?"

"Only my whole life!" she yelled, throwing her arms up dramatically. "I think I lived with a family for a while when I was a baby, but I don't remember. Then I bounced around until I turned 13 and they put me in a group home with other girls my age."

"And what? You just took off?"

Ellie shrugged. "Yeah, after maybe a year. Things got really bad there. Really really bad, and then I left. Been doing a lot better since."

Joel was starting to think Ellie really did have it figured out. Whatever advice he'd planned on giving was coming up empty, and he just hoped now that Maria could find something better for the kid.

"Guess that means it's my turn," Ellie said smugly, and Joel found himself tensing up again. "So the question is..."

Joel clenched his jaw as she drew her reveal out as obnoxiously as possible.

"Are you and this Tess person a thing?" she said, studying his face closely.

Joel drew back and scoffed. "No," he stated firmly. "What is with you and that?"

Ellie threw her hands up in surrender. "Just asking," she said, through an evil grin. "I just caught sort of a connection when she was on the phone before. A little chemistry, that's all!"

Joel tried not to look too much like a deer in headlights. "She's just my partner— my colleague," he emphasized.

Ellie laughed like an idiot. "Oh, man." She wiped a tear from her eye. "You think our food's ever gonna get here? Shit."

Joel couldn't help but laugh in return.

Eventually the food did come, and Ellie did devour her cereal in record time. She tore through two ginger ales and tried 'just a bite' of Joel's omelette before the cheque came.

"This was nice," Ellie said. "It's cool learning some stuff about you, Officer Joel. Guess you're not just a cop robot."

"Appreciate it." Joel pulled his wallet out and fished out a ten and a twenty.

"Hold it," Ellie interrupted. "I believe we had an agreement." She reached into her backpack and produced an old leather wallet from which she pulled her own twenty. "Let's both do twenty and just leave a huge tip."

Joel smiled. "Sounds like a plan."

They sat for a few more minutes and finished off their drinks.

"Sorry I'm kind of a lost cause," Ellie said. "I know you want to help out, but it just kinda is what it is."

Joel wished he had something to say.

"I'm okay, though," she continued, "Really. I'm just saving up and waiting these last few years out until I can get an apartment. Don't lose any sleep on my behalf."

Joel wished he'd asked about David when he had the chance. However he'd gotten ahold of Ellie, something like that could happen again. That's what kept eating at him, he thought.

"I know I was like, chopping that guy's face up when we met," she said, reading his mind. "But it's not like I find myself in those situations a lot." She sighed through her nose. "That was pretty bad."

Joel took his last drink of coffee and softened his posture. "Are you okay about all that?"

Ellie scrunched her face. "Umm..." she thought. "No?" she said, unsure. "Or yeah... I dunno."

"That's alright," Joel assured.

"I feel like I feel okay. But I guess I have been kinda paranoid." She tugged on her fingers. "I never thought I'd call you in a million years, but I got mugged that night and just freaked the fuck out."

Joel frowned.

"No, like..." Ellie went on, seeming to enjoy telling the story, "the guy saw me hyperventilating and ran away; that's how dramatic it was. I think he felt bad, I practically fainted." She almost laughed at that.

"Sounds like a panic attack," Joel said. He'd had a bout with those.

"Yeah," Ellie sighed. She lifted her hand up over the table. "I've got like a tremor now. Almost all the time."

Joel watched her skinny hand shaking subtly in the air, reverberating up to her elbow. "Christ," he whispered.

She pulled her hand away. "Don't feel bad for me or anything. I think I'm pretty much over it." They both knew that was a lie.

When the waitress came by to collect her generous tip, Joel and Ellie stepped out and on to the sidewalk.

"Y'know, I like hanging out with you," Ellie mentioned. "You're easy to relax around."

That was a first.

"I'm gonna take off, I think," she went on. "But I'll see you around."

Joel stuck his hands in his pockets and scowled. "You're sure?"

She squinted against the morning sunlight. "Yeah. I'll come by for a shitty movie some time."

Joel huffed. He'd have to be satisfied with that. "Any time," he said. "I'll leave the key under the mat."

Ellie smiled and punched him on the shoulder. "Have a good one, Officer Joel."

He watched her walk along the sidewalk, practically skipping as she went. And as she disappeared around a far corner, Joel felt worse than he had in a long time.

He went back to his apartment and kept busy. He washed his bedding and vacuumed the floors, adeptly ignoring the unmistakable pit in his stomach, but could only ever keep his thoughts at bay for so long. Humphrey Bogart was no help.

Every minute that passed was another hazard out there. Ellie could've easily been hit by a car or robbed of everything she had by now.

Or worse. Always worse.

He knew she was tough, and was probably in better spirits than him right now. She was sitting at the public library and drinking a ginger ale. She'd be there all day until they closed, and then she'd come and crash on his couch, and everything would be okay. He held on to that as he switched the laundry.

Chapter Text

Joel spent half of his Monday in an assignment meeting, hoping to catch an easier case this time around. Maybe something with less cannibals and homeless kids. He spent the other half fielding questions from Tess.

"Well aren't you worried about her?" she grilled.

Joel tucked a thumb in his belt and tried to look casual. "Don't you have something to do besides breathe down my neck?"

Tess sighed the way she always did when he was being obtuse. "Well do you think she'll come back?"

Joel looked at his boots. "I don't know." They stepped into the elevator. Tess reached out and pressed B, for basement, and the doors slid shut.

They'd been assigned to a stakeout in the wharf district, where a reported gunshot victim had disappeared before the cops could arrive. A gas station clerk across the street had told the officers on scene that he heard the shooting and saw the body get picked up by a black SUV minutes later. The guy gave a partial plate, which got them a few potential suspects with addresses close by. That's when Maria decided to put a more experienced team on it, and that's where Joel and Tess came in. Could be worse, he thought.

Stakeouts weren't usually so bad. The required focus made for a good distraction, without the leg work of proper investigating. Tess called shotgun and stepped around to the passenger's side as they approached Joel's car. He slid into the driver's seat with a groan.

After a quick burger stop and some bad directions, they made it to the spot; a rusty old storage building near the docks with an adjoined apartment. Joel parallel parked far enough down the street to be inconspicuous and made quick work of his coffee. Tess sipped on her soda and grabbed a pair of binoculars off the back seat.

"That's a little unnecessary, don't you think?" Joel teased.

"Well you parked so damn far..."

It would be a few more hours until nightfall, when the real stakeout started. Joel could tell his partner was doing her best to mind her business, but was getting antsy like she always did.

"You're really not worried?" she asked.

He turned to look at her. "Worried about what?" Like he didn't know.

"The kid," she said, staring daggers. "What if she comes back while you're out?"

He sucked his teeth. "I left a key under the mat. And she's got my number." He hoped that'd be enough to convince her. It sure as hell hadn't put him at rest. "She's fine."

Tess rolled her eyes. "She's not fine, Joel. She's 14." She was working herself up. "She's lucky to be alive as it is."

He scowled. "You think I don't know that?" His lip pulled back in a snarl. "What am I supposed to do, Tess?"

Tess shook her head and sighed. They'd been these kind of fights so many times, he knew she'd back off before he lost his temper. "It's gonna be a long night," she said.

It was a long night. By midnight they hadn't seen so much as a shadow, and Joel radio'd Maria to tell her as much.

"You want to call it?" she asked. "Try another address?"

Joel scratched his chin and looked to Tess, who just shrugged. "I'll give it another hour, then we'll pick it up tomorrow."

"Sounds good. Be safe, you two."

"Will do." He set the radio down and shifted in his seat. "You might've been right about all this sittin' still."

Tess smiled and twisted to crack her back. "You should get a cane," she said.

"Very funny." Joel rolled his window down and breathed in the ocean. He'd thought about moving closer to the wharf before, just for the smell of the water and the cool breeze. He'd been downtown as long as he'd been in Boston, mostly just for the proximity to the station.

A quiet moment passed, and Joel shut his eyes against the cool night air. Then his phone rang in his pocket; full volume.

"Very professional," Tess quipped.

He rolled the window up and dug the phone out. He didn't recognize the number, but the smaller text beneath read, Last Called: Saturday, 2:30am. 

Ellie.

He answered and brought the phone to his ear. "Hello?" His voice sounded more urgent than he'd meant it to. "Everything alright?"

Ellie snickered on the other end. "Yes. Everything's fine."

Joel felt his heart rate calming.

"Just checking in," she continued. "You were such a mess about it yesterday, thought I should let you know I'm alive."

He smiled. "A mess, huh? That's not quite how I remember it."

"Oh please," she shot back. "You practically cried."

"You're thinking of somebody else."

"Oh," she mocked, "must've been the other old man I hang out with."

Joel chuckled, and Tess stared at him like he'd just spoken in tongues.

"I didn't wake you up, did I?" Ellie asked. "I keep forgetting not everyone has a bat schedule."

"No," he assured. "I'm actually on a stakeout."

"No fucking way!" she shouted. "That's rad!"

Of course she thought it was rad. "It ain't like the movies, kid. Mostly a lot of sitting around and talking." He almost felt bad to break the illusion.

"Oh, are you with your partner?" she asked.

"Yes ma'am."

Then Joel winced as Ellie screamed, "Hi Tess!" into his ear as loud as she could.

Tess grinned like an idiot. "Hey, kid!"

Joel groaned and rubbed his ear as Ellie laughed. "So what is it you're up to?" he asked.

"I'm on a roof," she replied. "Downtown."

That didn't sound safe. "What for?"

"The stars," she said. "They're real nice if you can get up above the street lights."

Joel thought of Texas; the way the sky opened up at night over the country. "Stars, huh?"

"Yeah," she sighed. "I'm all about stars."

...

Joel found himself unsure what to say, and embarrassed by the silence he was leaving. He sort of felt like he was defusing a bomb with no wire cutters, and his hands behind his back.

"Kind of sick of this roof, though," she added, saving him. "Are you gonna be stakeout-ing all night?"

Joel noticed the stupid look on his partner's face and rolled his eyes. "No. Another hour or so and we're heading home."

"Heading home together?" Ellie asked innocently.

He hoped only he had heard that and shook his head. "No, Ellie. Separately."

"Well," she went on, "any chance you're in the mood for a movie?"

He couldn't help but notice the edge of nervousness in her voice, like he might actually turn her away in the middle of the night. "Depends," he drawled. "Have you ever seen The Terminator?"

Ellie scoffed. "You are so fucking old."

"I'll be home around two," he said, ignoring the comment. "The key's under the mat, though."

"I'll see you then," she said.

"See ya, kid." He hung up, and felt a tremendous weight off his shoulders. It was one more night, if nothing else, where he would know she was okay.

"Look at you, Texas," a voice chimed in beside him. Tess cocked an eyebrow and drank the last of her soda. "You know there's nothing sexier than a man who's good with kids."

Joel smiled and looked at the ceiling. "Is that a fact?"

"You bet it is."

"Control yourself, officer."

Joel pulled into the parking lot at the station to let Tess out. She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek with a dramatic mwah!, as she often did. Their relationship was always ill-defined, but Joel never thought the gesture was necessarily romantic. Tess had always been the touchy type. "Beat it," he said.

She stepped out and gave him a wave. "Enjoy your movie!" she called.

He waited until she got to her car, then drove off.

He spotted Ellie as he parked in front of his building, standing on the sidewalk out front. She had a pair of cheap headphones on and she wore the same outfit he'd last seen her in. She didn't notice him until he was almost at the door.

"Oh hey," she said, pulling her headphones off. "Look who decided to show up."

Joel almost checked his watch. "Am I late?" he asked.

"Nah, I'm just being a dick."

Joel snorted. "What're you listening to?"

"Fiona Apple," she said, like it was obvious.

Joel pushed the door open and led her inside. She yawned when they got in the elevator. He wondered if she'd come to borrow his bed again, and if she'd be okay with him there in the other room all night. He thought it better not to ask. "You can do your laundry here," he offered.

"I go to the laundromat," she said. "I only have these two outfits, though. Gotta optimize backpack space."

Joel grunted, and the elevator dinged. He walked in comfortable silence down the hall, stopping in front of his door to scoop up the key and let them in.

"It's sweet that you left the key," she said, sounding a little shy.

"Just in case," he replied.

He shut the door behind them and pulled his boots off. It had been a long day and under normal circumstances he would be in bed already. But Terminator awaited. There were certainly worse fates, he thought.

"So how'd the stakeout go?" Ellie asked. She stood awkwardly down the hall, rocking on her heels. "Bust any perps?"

"No perps," he said, hanging his coat. "Just a lot of sitting around, like I said."

"Boo," she said, flashing a thumbs down. She kicked her sneakers off and moved into the living room, plopping her self down on the couch and setting her backpack beside her.

Joel stopped in the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water, and peeked into the fridge on his way out. "You want one of them sodas you left?" he called.

"Yes!" she shouted back.

He handed her the ginger ale and cracked open his DVD cabinet. His collection was modest but classic, he'd told Tess the last time she was over. Months ago, he realized.

"You ready to have your mind blown?" he asked, sliding the disk into the player.

"Ten bucks says you fall asleep mid-movie."

"Please," Joel scoffed. He fell into his recliner and pressed play.

He did not fall asleep. Joel spent most of the runtime answering questions about the special effects, and Ellie spent most of the time pointing at the screen and saying "butt" every time Arnold Schwarzenegger appeared naked. She got in one "boobs" as Joel fast-forwarded through the sex scene.

By the final confrontation, though, she was totally sold. She cheered like a maniac when the terminator went up in a dramatic ball of fire, and even more so when its metal endoskeleton walked right out of the flames.

"This movie rules," she admitted.

Joel felt pretty proud of himself. "Is your mind blown?" he asked smugly.

"My mind is thoroughly exploded," she said. "Obliterated. Atomized."

He chuckled. "Told you."

When the credits rolled, Ellie looked just about ready to pass out, and Joel was sure he didn't look much better. "Bedroom's all yours if you want it, kid."

She turned to face him, something like uncertainty coloring her face. "Oh no, I'm good. I'll just keep watching TV if that's okay." She paused. "You can go to bed, though. Don't let me keep you up."

Joel got up and walked to the cabinet. "It sounds like," he began, grabbing another DVD, "you're telling me to put on Terminator 2."

Her eyes lit up. "You're fucking with me! There's another one?"

Joel furrowed his eyebrows seriously. "And this is the good one."

Ellie did her best to keep up the obnoxious commentary. This guy is so you. This is what you do at work. But, quickly her heavy eyelids got the best of her. They were less than half an hour in when Joel started to hear snores coming from the couch. He had half a mind to bring her a blanket, but figured he should let her be. He left the movie on and headed for bed, quickly drifting off to the sound of explosions and corny dialogue.

Joel got up the next morning, brushed his teeth, got dressed, and put on a pot of coffee; all while Ellie slept peacefully in the living room. The Terminator 2 DVD menu looped on the screen.

He thought to leave her a note and just head to work, but decided to wake her instead. He regretted it after she shot upright like a vampire at the sound of his voice. Her hand went right to her back pocket.

"Easy," he soothed, standing by the recliner to give her space. Her eyes were wild again as she scanned him.

"Fuck," she choked, and clutched at her chest. "You almost gave me a heart attack."

"Figured I should wake you," he replied. "I'm fixing to leave for work."

Ellie caught her breath and scowled. "You shouldn't have let me fall asleep," she said.

Joel shrugged. "I don't think I could've stopped you if I tried."

She shook her head. "I didn't mean to."

"S'fine."

Ellie shifted on the couch, relaxing a bit. "You're really not gonna kill me or anything, right?" she asked.

He thought the question sounded too sincere. "Wasn't planning on it."

She looked so much younger than 14 in her huge Mortal Kombat shirt. "Can I ask you something?" she practically whispered.

Joel postured himself. "Shoot."

"How long have you lived alone?"

He knew what she was really asking. He grimaced and couldn't help the bitterness that crept into his voice. "Twenty years."

Ellie tugged on her fingers. "Are you just gonna do that forever?"

His nostrils flared. "Yes," he growled, and turned to leave.

"How do you do it?"

He stopped and frowned. How do I do it? "What's that s'posed to mean?" he asked.

Ellie exhaled through her nose and scrunched up her face. "I haven't ever even said this out loud before," she sighed, "but I'm so scared of being alone."

Joel felt a dull pain in his chest and tried to soften his expression. She wasn't just pressing his buttons, she was earnestly coming to him for advice. Probing him for help on the thing he was obviously best at.

"Especially now," she continued, looking him in the eyes; more vulnerable than he had ever seen her. "I've been on my own for a year and I'm fucking terrified."

Joel hooked his thumbs in his pockets and stared at the ceiling. He didn't sign up for this.

"I feel like shit coming back here," she said, and her voice finally broke. "And I know you like your privacy and stuff, and I'm totally guilt-tripping you and invading your space..." She wiped at her eyes with her sleeve. "But I'm not trying to. I just don't know what else to do."

Joel felt a headache start to swirl against his brow, and he pinched the bridge of his nose. It doesn't get easier, he thought. It's horrifying and suffocating, and eventually you'll learn to tune it out. He could tell her to focus on tasks and keep herself busy. He could tell her that fear would keep her alive, and how she would live with it if she wanted to stand a chance out there. He could tell her that after long enough she would stop feeling much of anything, and the fear would be weak enough to stomach.

He watched a stray tear fall on to Ellie's shirt and knew he wouldn't tell her any of that. It was the best advice he could give, and the very core of his lifestyle, and it was worthless. In front of him stood a child in agony, who had no one to go to but him. "You're not alone," he said, before he could stop himself.

Ellie twisted her features in a desperate attempt not to cry. She pulled her knees to her chest and buried her face in her arms. Uneven breaths turned to muffled sobs and Joel's heart reached across the room in an instant and he couldn't help following it.. His every instinct betrayed him and he slowly made his way to the couch. Ellie only receded further into herself as she wept.

Gently, Joel set a steady hand on her back.

She stiffened suddenly and held her breath, keeping her face buried in her elbows. Then slowly, she leaned into him and quietly continued to cry. He lowered himself on to the cushion beside her and rubbed his hand between her shoulders. "You're not alone."

After a few minutes, Ellie steadied her breathing and poked her head up. She craned her neck to look at Joel. "I am so fucking embarrassed."

"Yeah, I bet," he joked.

She laughed, almost eliciting another cry, and took a deep breath. "Such a dick."

He snorted.

"Thanks," she said, finally pulling away from his touch. He got the message and scooted himself to the other side of the couch.

She gave him a grateful sort of look and relaxed back into the cushions. "I feel like such a baby."

"That's alright."

"I didn't want to tell you all that," she admitted. "You've just really got your shit together is all. I've never been somewhere so peaceful before."

It was a nice compliment, but Joel disagreed. She just couldn't hear how loud the silence really was. "Some days are better than others, kid."

"You said it."

...

They sat quietly for a moment while Joel weighed some options. The prospect of leaving her alone here felt downright evil now. She might leave and be too ashamed to ever come back, and the very notion gave him chest pain. He could call in to work and try to take the kid's mind off things. They could hit the diner again, or go see a movie on the big screen; she'd probably love that. But that also gave him chest pain.

"I'll tell you what," he began...

When Maria stepped into his office, Joel was telling Ellie to sit still for the 1000th time. She sat next to him at his desk, and insisted on checking every drawer and file she could get her hands on. You're very organized. Are these all murder cases? Do you have a file on me?

He swatted her hand away from his keyboard. "Why don't you go get something from the vending machine?" he groaned. "Keep your mouth busy for minute."

Maria knocked on the open door, announcing her arrival. "Officer Miller," she greeted.

"Officer Miller," Joel returned.

"And you must be Ellie," she smiled.

Ellie looked like she'd been caught committing a crime. She stuck close behind Joel on the way up, and managed to avoid having to talk to any other cops until now. "You must be Maria," she said.

"Joel's mentioned me, has he?"

Ellie put a dramatic hand over her heart. "Joel tells me everything," she said. "He's big on sharing."

Maria chuckled. "Somehow I doubt that." She turned her eyes on Joel, who was doing his best to ignore them both. "So what brings you around these parts, Ellie?"

"Well," she responded, "Joel's sorta my emotional support cop, so..."

"Alright," he interjected, throwing up a 'be quiet' hand. "What's up, Maria?"

Maria crossed her arms. "I wanted to talk to you about something."

Joel glanced at Ellie and got out of his seat. "Wait here, kiddo."

"Yeah," she responded, sinking into her chair a little.

Maria led Joel back to her office and closed the door behind them.

He patted his thighs. "What's this about?"

Maria looked uncharacteristically nervous. "What's she doing in your office?"

He thought better than to air the kid's dirty laundry, but he wasn't going to lie either. "She was pretty upset this morning. We had it out pretty good, and I didn't want her running off after I left."

"Hmm." Maria pulled on her ear in thought. "Tommy and I have been trying for a baby again."

Joel swallowed the lump in his throat. "That's good." 

She raised an eyebrow at the response. "Tess told you?"

He scratched his chin. "Yeah."

"Figures," she smiled. "Sorry we didn't tell you first, Tommy just—"

"S'alright," he interrupted.

Maria took a breath. "Well anyway, we're considering other options now."

Joel froze.

"I was thinking about fostering for a while," she continued, "and I mentioned your situation to Tommy."

"Okay..." Joel whispered.

"And we were definitely planning on something a bit younger," she said, "but we'd like to at least interview with Ellie, see if maybe she'd like to live with us until she ages out."

He really wasn't sure where he was expecting all this to end up, but it certainly wasn't with Ellie as a niece. The pit in his stomach was all-encompassing. "I don't think she'd go for that," he managed. "She's been through it with the foster system before."

"I don't want to drop it all on her like that," Maria assured, "but maybe if Tommy and I could get to know her a little..."

Joel sucked his teeth and tried to figure out why he hated this so much.

"See if you can get her come to dinner," she continued. "And tag along, why don't you. It's been too long since we've had you over."

It made sense. They wanted a kid. Ellie could finally get off the streets and into the home of someone he knew she'd be safe with. A perfect solution, on paper.

"How's tonight?" she asked.

Joel pinched his nose. "Tess and I were gonna watch another one of them addresses tonight."

"She's got it covered," Maria waved, "I'll pair her up with one of the juniors."

Fuck. This was happening. "It's a date," he said.

"Great. I'll see you after work."

When he got back to his office, Ellie was sitting cross-legged in her seat, no longer snooping through his desk.

"What was that about?" she asked immediately.

Joel sat beside her and resumed his position at the computer. "Cop stuff."

She scooted a bit closer. "Oh yeah?"

"Oh yeah." He stared at his screen for a moment, mindlessly scanning the pixels to keep from having to think too hard. He managed only a few seconds before he felt a finger poke him on the shoulder. He sighed, and turned to face her.

Ellie scanned his face, like she could figure out what he was hiding just from his expression. "What's going on?" she asked softly.

Joel grunted. "Maria invited us to dinner tonight. Thought you might want to get some real food in you."

She seemed confused. "You don't want to go?"

"I..." He did not want to go. "I didn't want to overwhelm you," he said.

She shook her head. "It's fine," she said. "I won't say no to a free meal."

And just like that, he was officially committed.

"Plus," she added, "I can ask your brother all sorts of questions about you that you wouldn't tell me otherwise."

He almost smiled. "Great."

A few quiet hours passed as Joel typed away at his computer and Ellie tried her hardest not to be annoying. He let her look through a copy of her own case file and she made various comments about the fascist nature of his occupation.

Eventually Tess made her way into the office, two cups of coffee in hand. "Well, look who it is," she called. She stepped over to the desk and slotted Joel's fresh coffee into his empty one and set her own down beside it. "Ellie, I presume." She stuck a hand out.

Ellie shook her hand and her face lit up. "You presume right! It's nice to finally meet you."

"Pleasure's all mine, kid." She walked around the desk and planted a particularly aggressive kiss into Joel's forehead. "Somebody looks grumpy today."

Ellie grinned like an idiot. "Somebody always looks grumpy."

Tess smiled at that. "What brings you in today, Ellie?"

"Um..." She spun in her chair. "I kinda screamed at him this morning and he felt bad for me. Didn't want to leave me alone, I think."

Joel kept his head down and continued working while Tess and Ellie got to know each other. For as much as their ability to annoy him only seemed to amplify, he couldn't deny how endearing it was. Ellie wanted to know every detail of the day-to-day in their line of work, and Tess had the patience to go through it all with a smile. Ellie had a brain that went a mile a minute, and Tess had an ear for all of it. It was the exact kind of outlet the kid needed, and Joel was more than happy to endure the barrage of teasing that came with it.

"Y'know," Ellie started, "we watched Jurassic Park the other day, and he thought that's what a velociraptor really looked like."

"I'm surprised he could use the word in a sentence," Tess laughed.

"Oh please," Joel scowled. "Like you know what a velociraptor looks like."

As the night came fast approaching, he told Tess about the change of plans. She sighed dramatically to learn she'd be babysitting one of the junior detectives all night, but wished Joel luck on his dinner. She said her goodbyes to Ellie, who gave her a quick hug on the way out.

Joel smiled to himself and got into his car. Ellie slid into the passenger seat and kicked her feet up comfortably on the dashboard. Looking at her, it was almost hard to believe she was the same girl who'd refused to be in his car at all just a few nights before.

"Ready for dinner?" she asked, an easy smile on her face.

Joel shifted the car into drive. "Ready as I'll ever be."

Chapter Text

Joel drove back to his apartment before dinner to freshen up. It'd been more than a couple weeks since he'd seen Tommy in person, and even longer since he'd been to their place. He stepped out of the shower and gave himself a once over in the bathroom mirror. His cheek was still a bit purple from Ellie's soda can and the beard could definitely use a trim, but he looked about the same as he always did. Fine, by his standards. He cracked the door and peeked out into the apartment, making sure Ellie wouldn't accidentally catch him crossing the hall in nothing but a towel. The hum of the TV meant she was probably still in the living room.

When Joel got to his room he traded the towel for a clean pair of jeans and a John Denver t-shirt. He was usually partial to his work boots, but instead slid on a pair of New Balance sneakers that Tess bought him a while back. Old man shoes, she called them. They still looked brand new.

When he made it back to the living room, Ellie was staring off into space, her arms crossed tightly over her chest.

"Everything alright, Ellie?" Joel asked as he pulled his coat on.

She startled at his voice. "I'm fine," she said. "Can I use your shower before we go?"

Joel stopped and hung his coat back on the rack. "Go ahead."

Ellie pulled a change of clothes out of her backpack and sighed. "This dinner isn't gonna be like, fancy, is it?"

He snorted. "Tommy's about as far from fancy as they come. You don't see me dressing up, do you?"

"Okay," she replied. "Just making sure. Didn't want to look stupid."

Joel's car glided down the highway as the sun began to disappear over the horizon. The sky was dull and grey, and Joel thought it might rain pretty good tonight. Ellie had her window rolled down, leaning about as far out as she could without falling into the road.

"Will you buckle your seatbelt, please?" Joel nagged.

Ellie pulled her head inside and smoothed her windswept hair back. "What?" she shouted.

"Seatbelt," he said. "We're going 70 miles an hour."

She obliged, but sighed dramatically as she fell back into her seat. "It smells like rain," she said.

"It does."

Ellie rolled her window up and twiddled her thumbs. "Can I look in your glove box?"

Christ, she could not sit still. "Have at it," he grunted.

She popped the latch and flipped through Joel's insurance papers, his registration, and a stack of napkins. "Kinda thought you'd have a gun in here."

"Gun stays in the closet when I'm not working," he responded.

Ellie cocked her head in surprise. "What if you see a crime?" she yelped.

"I'm a detective," he stated. "It ain't my job to look out for jaywalkers, 'specially when I'm off-duty."

"Yeah, but what about robberies and assaults and stuff?" she argued. "Shit happens, man. I always keep my gun in my bag."

Joel nearly had a heart attack, right at the wheel. "Tell me that's a goddamned joke, girl."

"I've never shot it before," she defended. "It's a just-in-case thing."

He almost swerved into the car beside him as he snapped his head to scowl at her. "That's illegal, Ellie."

She gawked at him, somehow shocked at his reaction to learning she had a gun on her. "What ever happened to I'm a detective. I'm off duty?" she accused, mocking him. "Suddenly you're cop guy again?"

Joel shook his head and steadied the steering wheel. "You brought a gun in my house and kept it from me."

"Duh!" she shot back. "I didn't know if I could trust you!"

"I don't like you carrying that around!"

"Who the fuck asked?" She crossed her arms and turned away, pissed.

Joel took a breath. "You sure do like to argue," he said... Maybe easing such a suddenly heated argument into a lighter kind of banter would do better to get his point across.

"You sure do like to breathe down my fucking neck," she hissed.

Mission failed. "Before you start with all that," he retorted, "I'm just telling you what I think. I ain't trying to take it from you, if that's what you're all huffy about."

"I don't need you telling me what to do," she said, sounding at least a little bit less upset. "I've been taking care of myself for a long time. You don't always have to talk to me like I'm such an idiot."

Joel sighed. "Forget I said anything." A minute passed in abject silence before he worked up the nerve to speak again. "I know you can handle yourself." He wasn't sure what else to say.

Immediately, Ellie relaxed a bit. She chewed her lip in thought for a moment before reaching into her bag and producing a beaten up 9mm handgun. She set it carefully in the glove box and shut the latch. "There," she said. "I think it's stupid, but if it makes you feel better I don't mind. And I do trust you now, for the record."

He felt a warmth move through his chest. "I appreciate it." He flipped the wipers on as raindrops began appearing across the windshield.

"Told you!" Ellie beamed.

Tommy and Maria's apartment was a cozy little two-bedroom in the the heart of Brighton; one of the oldest and safest neighborhoods in the greater Boston area. It was a fourth floor walk-up though, and Joel started really feeling his age about halfway up the stairs. Ellie was about a flight ahead of him, taking three steps at a time and talking all the way. Is Tommy your older or younger brother? How much younger? Do you think they'll have soda? She waited for Joel on the landing as he did his best not to look winded.

"Easy old man, those New Balances can only do so much."

He shoved her hard on the shoulder as he reached the top, and she laughed like a kid. He would've too, if he wasn't struggling just to breathe.

As they approached the apartment, Ellie began tugging on her fingers the way she did when she was anxious. "Are you gonna drink?" she asked. "Old people always drink at family dinners."

Joel slowed his pace and gave her a look. "Tommy's usually liable to share a couple of beers at these things. I'm gonna be driving back though, so nothing crazy."

Ellie hummed in acknowledgement. "Some people suck when they drink too much."

"Everybody sucks when they drink too much," he confirmed. "How 'bout I just stick to coffee tonight?"

She smiled shyly. "Thanks."

Joel spotted the apartment number and knocked at the door. A moment later Maria appeared before them, still wearing her police jacket. "Hey, you two," she smiled. "Come on in."

Maria led them past the kitchen where Tommy was bent over the stove working his magic. He looked up long enough to shoot his brother a smile. "Have a seat, y'all, it'll just be a minute," he called.

As they passed into the living room, Joel noticed Ellie sticking unusually close to him; her hand hovering right near his.

"Chicken fried steak," Maria grinned. "My husband's signature."

"Glad he's cooking," Joel teased. "No offense to your famous black tar casserole."

Maria laughed. "I'd kick your ass if I wasn't making a first impression tonight."

Ellie threw her hands up. "Don't let him off on my account." When her hands came back down, one held gently on to the wrist of Joel's sleeve.

"You hungry, Ellie?" Maria asked.

"Starving," she replied.

"Well, make yourself at home. I'm gonna go set the table... And let's try for some manners tonight, Joel!"

"Yes, ma'am," he answered as she disappeared into the kitchen. He settled on the couch and Ellie fell into place right beside him. He was surprised at the way she leaned into his shoulder. "You alright, kiddo?"

"I'm fine," she said, sounding sincere. "New people. New place. But I'm okay."

Joel grunted affirmatively and relaxed against her.

"What's Tommy like?" she asked. "He seems nice."

"Don't you worry about Tommy," he assured. "The guy's a labrador."

Speak of the devil, his brother came strolling into the room with a proud look about him that meant, more than likely, dinner was gonna be good. Joel rose and met Tommy in a tough embrace. They squeezed each other tight, like a good hand shake.

"Good to see you, little brother."

"What's this?" Tommy questioned, rubbing a thumb against Joel's bruised cheek. "Line of duty?"

"Close," Joel chuckled. "That'd be Ellie," he announced, gesturing to the girl on the couch.

She popped up on her feet and extended a hand. "It's nice to meet you."

Tommy scoffed. "What's this, a business meeting?" With one arm, he pulled her into a hug. She stiffened at the uninvited physical affection, and Joel could see the tension in her jaw as she steadied herself for the few seconds until he released her. Tommy pulled away and gave her a smirk. "So what'd this old son of bitch do, anyway?"

Ellie unclenched her fists and tried her best to look casual. "What do you mean?"

"That bruise!" Tommy crowed. "Goddamn shiner."

"Oh," she blushed. "It was just a misunderstanding. I hit him with a ginger ale."

Tommy laughed and patted his brother on the shoulder. "That is fuckin' priceless."

When dinner was served, Ellie tore into her food like no one was watching. Joel thought about telling her to slow down, but decided to leave her to whatever romance she had initiated with her steak. He suddenly felt guilty for feeding her nothing but diner food and vending machine snacks in the days that he'd known her. He couldn't cook like his brother, but he could've managed something.

Dinner went on pleasantly as Tommy and Joel discussed college football, Maria lamented her busy week, and Ellie attempted to answer questions between mouth fulls. How long's it been since you were in school, Ellie? What do you like to do for fun, Ellie? Have you always lived in Boston, Ellie?

Despite the interrogation, she had succeeded in completely cleaning her plate before Joel had even tried the mashed potatoes.

"There's more on the stove, if you're still hungry," Tommy offered.

"Thanks," she said, still catching her breath. "It's really good."

Tommy was glowing with pride. "Help yourself."

Ellie got up and zipped away in search of chicken-fried steak.

"She is as thin as a post," Maria whispered as soon as the girl was out of earshot.

"I know it," Joel said. "I'm glad she's eating like she is."

"I thought she might go through the plate," Tommy added, still beaming like a child. "Speaking of help yourself; there's beers in the fridge, Joel."

"That's alright," he said. "You mind if I put on a pot of coffee?"

"Be my guest."

Joel pushed his chair in and walked to the kitchen. When he arrived though, Ellie wasn't hovering over the stove like he expected, but staring at something on the front of the fridge. Joel walked up beside her and followed her gaze. In the middle of a mess of family photos and Christmas cards was a picture of him, much younger, with an arm around his daughter. Tommy always had that picture up somewhere, and Joel never had the nerve to mention it.

"Is that Sarah?" Ellie asked. She turned and met his eyes with a curious innocence that reminded him so much of the picture in front of them.

"Yeah," he said, after a moment. "I know you can't much tell. She always looked more like her mother."

"No way! I totally see it," Ellie insisted, leaning closer. She chuckled, then looked back at Joel. "You look so much younger, though. It's crazy."

"I was so much younger." He found himself smiling. "Weren't you in here looking for food, young lady?"

"Yes!" she proclaimed, and snapped upright. Like a robot switched back on, she beelined to the stove and began refilling her plate.

Joel spared a final glance to the photo, letting his heart ache just another few seconds, then got to searching for coffee grounds.

When the two finally returned to the table, Tommy and Maria were just finishing up. "Take your time," Maria assured. "I'm gonna go get changed into something comfortable."

"I got the game taped from Sunday," Tommy said. "You're free to join me. If you ain't too scared to see your Bighorns lose, that is."

Joel snorted. "I'll see you in there in a minute."

He and Ellie sat down and finished their food in comfortable silence while the others split off. "Your family's really sweet," Ellie said, after her plate was re-cleaned. She sighed contentedly and sunk into her chair.

"Yeah," Joel hummed. "They're alright."

"It's nice getting to eat without all those questions, though."

"I bet."

She held her chin in her hand. "What was that all about?"

Joel sucked on his teeth. They want to adopt you, he thought, and his stomach was suddenly threatening to send his dinner back up. "They're just too friendly," he said, displaying his strongest poker face.

"Eh," Ellie shrugged, "that's not so bad. You asked a lot of questions too, at the diner."

"Maybe I'm too friendly."

She scoffed. "That is not your issue."

He smiled and took her empty plate, stacking it on his own. "Go find a seat, I'll be in there in a second."

"Are we gonna watch football?" she whined.

"Afraid so."

Ellie groaned. "Okay, but... You gotta let me sit at the end of the couch so I'm not next to anyone else." She made a guilty face. "Tommy's really great and all, but I am not looking for another surprise hug."

"Loud and clear, kiddo."

They made their way into the living room and situated themselves to Ellie's preference. Joel sank into the cushions and yawned. The clock on the wall read 9:15, and he was about ready to turn in. Maria came back from their bedroom in sweatpants and stretched out next to Tommy on the other side of the couch. "You like football, Ellie?"

"I dunno," she yawned. "Never really watched it."

"Well," Maria pointed to the screen, "all you need to know is the guy holding the ball is probably gonna get hit, so keep your eye on him. That's where the entertainment is."

"Don't listen to her," Tommy interjected. "Football is about a lot more than just getting hit! It's an extremely technical game."

"Amen," Joel lifted a hand in prayer.

They weren't even at halftime, and Ellie was fast asleep. Joel felt her weight gradually pressing into his side, and then finally heard her snoring as her head fell on to his shoulder.

Maria heard it too, and leaned forward to get a look at the girl and practically gasped. "She really tired herself out, eating like that," she whispered, holding a hand over her heart.

Joel clicked his tongue. "Girl had a long day of yelling at me." He yawned again, and scratched his chin. "S'pose we should hit the road, then."

"Just a sec," Tommy interjected. "Let me talk to you a minute." He got up with an easy smile and walked over to a sliding glass door that led to the balcony.

Joel did his best to get up without waking Ellie, but her eyes fluttered open as he stood. "Easy," he soothed. "I'll be right back."

She nodded, barely conscious, and eased back into the couch. Joel met Tommy on the balcony and slid the door shut behind them. "What's going on, little brother?"

Tommy stretched his back and winced. "We are getting old fast."

"Don't I know it," Joel concurred.

Tommy whistled and looked out over the neighborhood. "Thanks for making it out tonight, I know it was a little last minute."

Joel shrugged. "Maria's hard to argue with."

"You're telling me."

"And you fry a hell of a steak, boy."

Tommy chuckled. "Kid seemed to like it. That's a mission accomplished in my book."

"She had a good time tonight. I'd say y'all made a pretty good first impression," said Joel, ignoring the tightness in his chest.

"Yeah," Tommy sighed. "She really seems to like you, though."

"You should've seen her on the way over here," Joel responded. "Kid can argue with the best of 'em." He didn't mention the gun in his glove box that started the whole thing.

"No, but..." Tommy stood up straighter. "She's really taken a shine to you."

Joel cocked an eyebrow. "What's this about?"

"I know what Maria told you," he said, "but I don't know if taking that girl off your hands is the right thing."

"Excuse me?" Joel could feel his blood pressure rising.

"She doesn't seem too upset about staying with you, as it is."

"That ain't your call, Tommy."

"Actually," Tommy shot back, standing his ground, "I think it is."

Joel clenched his teeth and took a breath through his nose. "What do you think you're doing?" he growled.

Tommy stared back at him, a sort of softness on his face. "I heard you talking in the kitchen, about Sarah. I haven't heard you talk like that in a long time."

Joel might've pushed his brother off the balcony just then if his daughter's name wasn't enough to deflate him on sight. Suddenly the blood rushed to his head and he could barely stand.

He couldn't stand.

Joel opened his eyes and found himself flat across the couch. He hoped for a minute that he'd fallen asleep watching the game, and dreamed his fight with Tommy.

"What the fuck, Joel!" That was Ellie, looming over him with wide, terrified eyes. No luck.

He sat up and gasped at the sudden burning that engulfed his chest. He clutched at his heart, and felt it beating through his ribs like a jackhammer. 

"What happened?" Ellie shouted. She was scanning him up and down like she was looking for a wound.

Maria looked to her husband. "Did he hit his head?"

Ellie took the question as a queue to climb up on the couch and inspect Joel's hair for blood. She turned his head sharply with her hands and began feeling around his ears.

"I think he had a goddamned heart attack," Tommy cursed.

"That's enough," Joel coughed.

Ellie turned his head again, running a hand across his hairline and checking her palm for red. He caught her wrist before she could try again. "Enough!" he bellowed.

Ellie was trembling. Her eyes were as wild as when he first found her, and just as scared. He eased his grip and set a gentle hand on her shoulder. "I'm okay," he insisted. "Everybody relax." A little wobbly, he rose to his feet and took a deep breath. "I just fainted."

"Bullshit," called Maria. "Let me drive you to the hospital, just in case."

He waved his hand dismissively. "I'm just old," he said, "can't be getting all worked up like that." He gave Tommy a look and turned to Ellie. "You about ready to go?"

She looked about ready to explode. "Joel!" she yelled, gesturing wildly to nothing in particular. "Did you just almost die?"

He felt the pain in his chest fading away and his balance coming back to him. Did he just die? He laughed, despite himself. "Shit," he wondered, "I guess I'm not sure."

"That is so fucked up!" Ellie cried, but couldn't help laughing in return. She fell forward and wrapped him in a hug. "You hit the ground so hard it woke me up!"

He patted the girl on the back and turned to Maria. "It might be my blood pressure," he offered. "I'll get it checked out this week." Her face relaxed some, and he turned to Tommy. "It's been good, little brother. All things considered."

Tommy smiled incredulously and shook his head. "Same, I guess."

Maria brought Ellie into the kitchen to help pack some leftovers to take, and Tommy tapped his brother on the shoulder. "You sure you're alright?"

"Yeah," he breathed. "Didn't mean to spook you like that."

Tommy chewed his cheek. "Listen," he said, "I wasn't trying cross a line out there. That Ellie seems like a mighty good kid, and we'd be happy to watch over her." He paused. "Why don't you bring her by again this weekend and we can talk about it?"

Joel supposed that meant he won the argument, but it didn't make him feel any less sick about it. "Sounds good," he managed.

Ellie held on to his elbow all the way down the stairs. "I'm not gonna let you faceplant and knock all your teeth out."

Joel insisted he was fine, but she seemed pretty worked up about it. When they got down to the sidewalk he slid the tupperware in the back seat and started the car. Ellie kicked her shoes off on the floor and buckled her seatbelt.

"That was pretty cool," she said, "besides your little fainting episode, I mean."

"Yeah, I had a good time," he agreed.

"Tell Maria thanks again when you get a chance."

Joel pulled out of his parking spot and wished he wasn't twenty minutes away from his bed. It had been a very long day. "You sticking around tonight?" he asked, looking over at Ellie.

She'd been watching him since he woke up, scanning him like he'd pass out again the second he was out of sight. "I probably shouldn't leave you alone, right?"

"You don't need to be worrying about me."

"What if you, like... start foaming at the mouth or something?" she stammered.

"Nobody's doing that," he scoffed. He wanted her to stay, obviously, but he wouldn't stand being fussed over. "You don't need an excuse, y'know. You're always welcome."

"Yeah, I know," she sighed. "I feel really bad about freaking out at you this morning. I really shouldn't have dumped all my shit on you like that."

"It's nothing." Joel thought about how different she looked crying on his couch then. How much she looked like a kid sometimes. "And you ain't invading my space," he stated. "You ain't bad company, kiddo."

She smiled and kicked her feet up. "So what I'm hearing is... Terminator 3?"

Joel laughed. "Not on your life. You can have at it, but I'm going to bed."

"Oh boo," she whined. "You're no fun when you have a heart attack."

"I'll tell you what," he said. "Pick a better movie when we get home, and I'll do my best." A pot of coffee could get him through anything.

"I'm gonna pick something scary!" she sneered.

Joel stopped for gas on the way, and Ellie went inside to get movie snacks. She came out with a six pack of Dr. Pepper and a family-size bag of popcorn.

"What, no ginger ale?" he asked.

She cocked an eyebrow as she got back in the car. "That wouldn't pair well with the popcorn."

Joel poured the popcorn into a big salad bowl while Ellie looked through his DVD collection.

"Is The Thing scary?" she shouted from the living room.

He grabbed two of the sodas and made his way over. "I slept in my mom's room for a week after I saw it as a kid." He set the popcorn down on the couch and handed Ellie a soda.

"How old were you?" she giggled.

"About your age."

She smacked her knee and cackled. "What a bitch!" Sufficiently convinced by the anecdote, she slid the movie into the player. "You think I'm gonna be scared?"

"It might be too much for you."

She fell into her usual spot on the couch and cracked open her Dr. Pepper. "Ha! You make me laugh!"

Instead of the recliner, Joel sat himself on the adjacent couch cushion and took a handful of popcorn.

Ellie stretched and patted him violently on the chest. "Make sure your heart doesn't give out during one of the good parts. I'll have to pause it to call 911."

"I'll do my best," he said, fighting a yawn. 

They were both snoring before the first kill.

Chapter Text

Joel woke up Wednesday morning with a stiff neck and a pair of heels jabbing him in the side. Ellie, still snoring like a lawnmower, had stretched to take up as much couch real estate as physically possible, and had managed to get both her feet wedged behind his hip. He winced as he twisted his head and cracked his back, then stood up slowly as not to wake the kid. His knees popped with his first few steps as he made his way to the kitchen.

He put on a pot of coffee, brushed his teeth, rinsed his face and beard, and got dressed. Then he poured his coffee into a thermos and took a deep breath. He felt mighty good for a Wednesday.

"Ellie." He shook her leg gently and marveled at how deeply she slept. The day before it barely took a whisper to get her upright, but today he couldn't get a mumble. He let himself feel a little bit proud. It took Ellie only four days to go from thinking he might be a murderer, to snoozing like a grizzly bear on the couch beside him. If nothing else, he'd succeeded in giving her a place to feel safe at night in a city that was anything but.

"Ellie," he repeated, shaking her a little harder.

Her eyes fluttered open and she frowned. "This better be good."

"I'm just heading to work," he said. 

She smacked her lips. "I don't need to be awake for that."

Joel snorted. "Just thought I'd let you know. Key's on the table if you need it." He stood and headed for the door.

"Say hi to Tess for me," she murmured.

Another day, another fruitless stakeout. Joel sat in the driver's seat and replayed his fight with Tommy until he could practically feel the heart attack again. At least he thought it was a heart attack. He'd been medicated for his blood pressure since his late 20's, but it had never been a serious issue before. Maybe he'd really just fainted after what Tommy had said.

I don't know if taking that girl off your hands is the right thing. 

She doesn't seem too upset about staying with you, as it is.

I heard you talking in the kitchen... about Sarah...

The fucking nerve.

Tess on the other hand, was downright chipper. "Y'know after that chatterbox they paired me with last night, I've never missed your strong silent act so much."

He gave her a look. "Act, huh?"

"Oh yeah," she grinned. "I know you actually love talking to me. You're just too cool to admit it."

He nodded sagely. "You've got me figured."

She punched his shoulder and took a swig of her soda. "So what was last night all about?"

"Beg your pardon?"

Tess rolled her eyes. "You took the kid to Maria's, didn't you?"

He grunted and scratched his chin. "Maria and Tommy..." Was he really gonna tell her? "They been thinking of fostering... wanted to know if Ellie'd be interested."

Tess paused and stared at him with that look. That look like she was trying to read his mind. She inhaled through her nose. "Guess I figured she'd be staying with you."

Joel didn't immediately erupt with rage like he was expecting. Tess was always relatively easy to talk to; after all their time spent butting heads, they'd cultivated a pretty good rapport. He sighed and shot her his usual scowl. "You sound like Tommy," he said.

"He always was the smarter Miller. I've always said that."

"I'm not looking for a goddamned kid," he growled.

"With all due respect, you don't know what you're looking for, Texas. That's what I love about you." Tess rubbed a hand over his shoulder, right where she'd punched him a minute ago. "So how'd the dinner go?"

Joel ran a hand over his sternum. "Good, mostly. Ellie's good for a first impression."

"Don't I know it," she said, a sad smile on her lips.

He relaxed the muscles in his jaw a bit and blinked. "She says hi, by the way."

After the sun went down and their shift wrapped up, Joel stopped in the station parking lot to drop Tess at her car. She stepped out and walked around to his driver's side and knocked on the window. He cocked an eyebrow and rolled the window down.

"Can I help you?" he asked.

"Step out of the vehicle, sir."

He shifted the car into park and got out, eyeing his partner suspiciously all the way. When he stood before her, she grabbed him and hugged him tighter than she maybe ever had. After a minute she pulled back and kissed him on the cheek.

"You're a good man, Joel," she said. "I'll see you in the morning." Then she walked to her car and drove off.

When Joel got home, Ellie was in the dining room eating cereal and flipping through a comic book. "I bought some groceries," she said, not looking up from the page.

He opened the fridge to find a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a half eaten deli sandwich. On the counter was an open box of frosted flakes and a fresh loaf of bread.

"There's also ice cream in the freezer!" she called.

Joel hung his coat up and took off his boots. "Where'd you get the money for this?"

She looked up from her comic. "I have money, Joel. I just haven't had to buy food these last few days, so I figured..."

He scratched his head. "And you bought a comic book?" 

"Well," she pulled a face, "this, I stole."

He opened his mouth to scold her but came up empty. He was out of his depth, yet again.

"But I did pay for all the food, Officer Joel," she continued. "So you can enjoy them guilt-free. Just don't read this comic or you'll be an accomplice."

"You don't need to steal, Ellie. And you don't need to be buying food neither, just let me know and I can—"

"Stop stop stop!" she cut him off. "I'm no freeloader; it's the least I can do. And I like stealing, so..."

Joel walked away without reply and dropped himself off on the couch.

"Also!" Ellie shouted after him. "I know it doesn't look like much, but the bread and eggs are for egg sandwiches. I make 'em pretty damn good!"

He didn't respond.

"The secret is a lot of butter!"

That night they gave The Thing a proper watch, and though Ellie was not scared by the dumb cheesy effects, she did give a final review of "pretty badass."

"Alright, kiddo. That's it for me." Joel stood and yawned. "I've gotta sleep in my bed tonight."

She yawned in return, doing her best to look annoyed. "Goodnight, geezer."

"'Night," he said. He put a hand on her head as he walked past and ruffled her hair.

"Argh!" she snarled, and batted him away. "Quit it! You know I don't like touching."

"Tell that to the bruise on my shoulder."

"Punching is different," she insisted. "It's funny. And it's a lot easier than hugging."

Joel smiled. "Maybe try high fives; something less violent."

She fell back on the couch like she'd been shot. "Go fuck yourself!"

Thursday was much of the same. Ellie got up early to make egg sandwiches and do her laundry, and Joel decided to give the New Balances another whirl. He couldn't deny the comfort.

"Hey, let me walk you to your car," Ellie said, scarfing down the last of her sandwich on the way out.

"What's the occasion?" Joel asked, fishing the key out his pocket to lock the door.

"I'm gonna be out and about all day, and I don't want you leaving with my gun again."

He frowned. "How about we get you some pepper spray instead?"

She scoffed. "I'm not planning on using it. I just feel a lot better when it's on me."

Giving her the gun back would be very illegal. Joel considered pulling the cop card and confiscating it, but knew how that'd go over.

When they got to the car, he held the passenger door open. "Be discreet about it," he urged.

Ellie crawled in and popped the glove box, then slid the gun into her backpack in a single motion. "I'm the discretion master," she boasted, then hopped out on to the sidewalk and held a hand up expectantly.

Joel sighed and gave her a high five. "Be safe. You need a ride anywhere?"

"Nope," she replied. "I'm just gonna wander for a while."

"Sounds good," he said. As he drove off, he spotted Ellie waving goodbye in the rear view mirror.

When he got home that afternoon there was a note stuck to the TV, addressed to Joel-y Moly.

Hey, didn't want you to worry. I'm down the hall in 304.

Joel scratched his chin. He didn't know the name of a single person on his floor, and Ellie was in the neighbor's apartment? The girl was certainly social.

No wonder she got herself kidnapped.

...

Jesus, Joel. He blinked the thought away and felt like an asshole just for having it. And now he'd worked himself up trying to jog his memory. 304... 304... Was that the lady with the cat that always got out? She'd spotted him coming out of the elevator one day and made him help search. Maybe 304 was the guy who wore the flip flops and smoked out in the hall all day. Joel wouldn't trust that guy within a hundred feet of a school zone, let alone in the room with Ellie.

He almost knocked his front door off the hinges storming out into the hallway. He took deep breaths as he marched. 304... 304... He came to a halt outside the door and had to stop himself from kicking it in. He raised a fist and knocked, a little too urgently. After a minute, the lock clicked and a man appeared in the doorway. Young, maybe mid-twenties. He was wearing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sweatshirt and grinning like he'd just been laughing.

"Hey, how's it going?" he greeted, leaning against the door frame.

"I'm looking for Ellie," Joel growled. His hands were balled tight at his sides.

The young man bit his lip awkwardly and turned his head away. "Ellie!" he called. "I think your dad's here!"

After a moment, a voice shouted back. "Does he look really mean and hairy?" That was definitely Ellie.

The young man glanced back at Joel and snickered. "Yeah!"

"Send him in!" she proclaimed.

The man stepped aside and Joel stomped past him into the apartment. He found Ellie sitting cross-legged on the couch, next to a boy who looked about her age. They were both glued to some video game on the screen. She glanced briefly at Joel and smiled, then whipped her head around to face the game. "Hey, old man!"

Joel was ready to detonate. He clenched his jaw hard enough to crack a tooth and felt his chest tightening. He breathed raggedly through his nose and focused on not having a heart attack. "Hi," he croaked.

Whatever effort he put into not sounding furious, it wasn't enough. Ellie spun back around with her brow furrowed and scrunched her nose up. "What?" When he didn't respond right away, she turned to the boy beside her and demanded he pause the game.

"This is cheating," he whined. "You're disqualified."

She jumped up on her feet and zipped over to Joel. "What's going on?" She looked up at him, worry hanging heavy across her features. "Did something happen?"

He relaxed his shoulders as best he could and took a breath. She was fine. She was having fun, by the looks of it. She got lucky again, wandering into another stranger's apartment and coming out fine. She could've been traumatized all over again. She could've had to kill another person in self defense. Things could have gone differently and he could have kicked the door down and found her dead and naked, covered in her own blood this time.

Joel was fuming again. He gnashed his teeth and grabbed her by the bicep and dragged her out into the hall. He slammed the door shut behind them and the building shook. Ellie yanked his hand off and tripped over her sneakers. "What the fuck?" she yelped.

"What the hell are you thinking?" he barked.

"Don't grab me like that!" She stepped forward and shoved him hard with both hands. He barely shifted. "What the fuck, Joel?" she demanded.

"Are you trying to get yourself killed?" He was angrier than he'd been in a long time. He felt the blood pumping down his arms and through his chest.

"That was so far out of line!" she shouted. Her eyes looked wet, and she was baring her teeth like a mad dog. "You can't do that to me!"

"Are you being stupid on purpose?" he grilled. "Is that it?"

"What is the matter with you?" Her shoulder rose and she let go a tear. "Why do you want to fight with me all the time?"

"I want you to stop putting yourself in danger!"

"Every day it's something!" she cried. "I can fucking handle myself! How many times do I need to—"

"You are a kid, Ellie!" He felt a tear fall on to his cheek. "You are a little girl, and you are not invincible."

She shook her head and choked back a sob. Her face was as red as her hair. "This was too far." She held tightly on to her arm where he'd grabbed her. "You can't touch me like that." 

When Joel had nothing to say, she finally let herself cry. She stood in the middle of the hall and cried into her hands, and there was nothing he could do. He couldn't hold her and rub her back and tell her it was okay; it just wasn't something he did. He stood uselessly across from her and let a few of his own tears fall. It was the closest he'd come to crying in longer than he cared to remember.

Ellie steadied herself and wiped her face with her sleeve. "I thought this was good!" Her voice broke all over again and she could hardly catch her breath. "Sam is like the first friend I've made all year." She pointed at the door. 304. "And now he can hear me screaming in the hallway at the fucking guy I live with! Why did you do that? You ruined this for me."

"Ellie," he said. His voice didn't sound any less stern. "You can't just—"

"Stop. Just fucking stop," she interrupted. She looked down at her hands like they were foreign to her. "I can't believe you grabbed me like that."

He had no idea what to say to that. He couldn't believe it either, frankly. It was thoughtless; an instinct that had grown rusty with disuse. "I wasn't thinking," he said.

She looked up at him and shuttered. "I'm so mad at you right now I don't even know what to do."

The door beside them clicked open suddenly and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles guy leaned out into the hall. He regarded Joel coldly, then looked to the girl. "Is everything okay, Ellie?"

Her eyes stayed locked on Joel for a moment, then she took a breath and turned. "Yeah," she said. Her expression was serious and collected, despite the tear streaks still fresh on her cheeks. "Can you get my backpack, Henry? It's by the couch, I think."

"Are you sure you don't wanna come back inside?" he asked.

"I'm fine," she said softly. "Me and Joel have to talk."

"Hang on," Joel interjected, and all eyes fell on him. "Why don't you stick around here a little while... finish your game."

She looked at him like he was the biggest asshole on the planet. "Are you fucking kidding me? It's a little late for that now."

"No way," Henry chimed in. "Me and Sam don't mind."

Ellie tugged on her fingers and looked at the ceiling. "I need to like... rinse my face off or something. And I got snot all over my sleeves."

Henry laughed with remarkable levity. "We've got a bathroom," he said. "And you can borrow something from Sam, as long as you don't mind wearing a cartoon robot shirt."

A quiet voice piped up behind him. "They're called Gundams."

Ellie laughed, embarrassed, and looked at Joel.

"Go on," he said. "We'll talk about it tonight."

She sighed and shuffled awkwardly past Henry into his apartment. Joel gave the other man a look, something between a warning and an apology, and turned away.

He sat at his dining room table for hours, doing nothing but waiting. It was dark outside when he finally heard the door, then the sound of a backpack hung up on the coat rack, and sneakers kicked off on to the floor. When Ellie came into the room, she was in fact wearing a cartoon robot shirt. She walked over and sat across from him at the table.

"Did you hire a mediator, or should I call my guy?" she joked.

Joel felt his lips turn up, and immediately the room felt lighter. It was unbelievable how much she could seem like an adult sometimes. Even though she never seemed to wear anything but video game merchandise and drank nothing but soda, she had an unmistakable air of maturity sometimes that was hard for him to reconcile. He took a long sip of his coffee and tried to gather his thoughts. His brain was totally fried.

"I know you already know, but I still have to say it," Ellie began. "You can't ever grab me like that again. You really made me feel like shit today, and I don't even know how to explain how upset I am about it." Then her face softened a little and she scratched her nose. "I forgive you. It's fine. Just don't ever do it again."

Joel tucked his chin against his shirt collar and tried to find the words to respond. To apologize, maybe.

Ellie tapped her knuckles on the table and blew a raspberry. "So..." she said, "even though you were totally in the wrong and I definitely don't owe you one, I wanted to give an explanation." She leaned back in her chair. "I want you to trust me when I say I can handle myself."

"Now Ellie, I know you—"

"Wait," she said, holding a hand up. "You keep telling me you get it, and then we keep having the same argument. So just hear me out."

Joel took another sip of his coffee.

Ellie nodded. "When I got back this afternoon, Sam was in the lobby getting the mail, and he mentioned my shirt; the Mortal Kombat one. So then he rode in the elevator with me and he told me about how he lived here with his brother, and how his parents died when he was little, and how he was like insane at Mortal Kombat 2." She chuckled. "And then he invited me over to play him, and I was like, oh, I don't really go over to strangers' houses, but thanks anyway. But then he said his brother was at work, and you weren't even home yet so I was like alright, one game. So I left you a note and I kicked his ass for like four straight rounds."

Joel smiled at that. He could admit that it was good for Ellie to spend some time with a kid her age.

"We had a PlayStation in that group home last year, so I'm pretty good," she went on. "And then Henry got home early and he saw me get all clammy and uncomfortable, but he was cool about it. He asked if I lived in the building, and y'know... it's kind of hard to explain." She was tugging on her fingers again. "I told him I lived with my dad, and that he was a scary looking cop and that he knew where I was. Figured it was pretty good deterrent if he turned out to be a creep." She was definitely avoiding eye contact. "Then he made Sam stop playing the game and do his homework, and that seemed like kind of a good sign, y'know; responsible. Then he made us sandwiches and raced me in Mario Kart and totally whooped my ass." Ellie took a breath, finally. "And I felt pretty okay."

Joel sighed. "I'm glad you had a good time." He so badly wanted to throw a but on the end, but not for anything she didn't already know.

"I'm careful," she said. "I have my gun in my bag, and I always keep my knife in my pocket."

It isn't enough. It isn't enough. It isn't enough.

Joel knew he would never shut that part of his brain off, but it didn't mean he had to act on it all the time. "I wasn't thinking," he said, "when I grabbed you the way I did." He pinched the bridge of his nose and shut his eyes. "It was an instinct. It's like sirens in my head sometimes."

"I get it," she replied. "That's what it felt like when I hit you with that soda can."

Hm. That was nice at least, to have a point of contact. "I'm sorry about today."

She inhaled sharply and stood on her feet. "Call it even?" she asked.

That made him feel even guiltier. Not even close, he thought. "Something like that."

She rounded the table and waited beside him. "C'mon, you owe me a hug. Then we'll call it even."

He gave her a look. "I thought you preferred the high fives?"

"Well, right now I want a hug."

Begrudgingly he rose to his feet and held out his arms, letting her close the gap. She moved in slowly, wrapping her arms around him about as lightly as possible and resting her forehead against his chest. Gently, he settled a hand just below her shoulder and gave her an awkward pat. She eased into it a bit before pulling back.

"Okay," she chirped. "I mostly hated that, but it wasn't so bad."

"High praise."

"Inconclusive" said the doctor.

"Right," Joel sighed. "Of course."

"You fainted three days ago, you said?"

He grunted affirmatively.

"Well, the ECG does not indicate a definite heart attack, but it's tricky to say this long after the incident."

"Give it to me straight, doc!" Ellie shouted dramatically. She held a hand over her heart like a stage actor. "How long does he have?"

The doctor fixed her with a pointed look, then turned to Joel. "Does she need to be in here?"

She laughed as if that was the exact reaction she was hoping for.

"Anyway," the doctor went on, "your blood pressure is notably higher than last time, but I'd recommend keeping with your current medication. I can write you a prescription for a higher dosage, but as it stands, mitigating your stress and exercising regularly would probably do plenty."

"Great," Joel groaned.

"What about the chest pain?" Ellie piped. "Is that normal?"

"My best guess would be stable angina."

Ellie looked like her eyes were going to pop out of her head. "Can you please say that one more time?"

The doctor rolled his eyes. "Angina."

She turned to Joel and placed a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. "The doctor says you have an angina."

He smacked her hand away and tried to ignore her giggling. "So what's this mean? Another pill?"

The doctor turned his nose up at Ellie's charade and adjusted his glasses. "For someone in your shape, again, I'd just recommend being cautious. Mitigate stress, don't smoke... that sort of thing. If you find yourself in any pain while exerting yourself, take a break until it subsides. If the pain worsens or doesn't go away after a few minutes, come back."

Same old bullshit, Joel thought.

"When you get a little older you might end up wanting to medicate, but this is just an irritating reality for people with hereditary hypertension. You said you were pretty worked up when you fainted?"

"Mm," Joel responded. He was about ready to go.

"Well, then just avoid whatever had you worked up, and things like it, and I wouldn't be too worried."

"Are we still going to Tommy's tomorrow?" Ellie asked.

Joel was signing out in the waiting room and fighting off a headache from the fluorescent lighting. "Of course. Why?"

"He said to avoid whatever had you worked up. You were fighting with Tommy, right?"

"Ain't nothing but an argument between brothers," he said. "I'll be avoiding it this time, trust me."

"Well then," she concluded, "a successful trip to the doctor's office."

Joel paused. "You need any shots or anything while we're here? When was the last time you been to a doctor?"

"All good on shots," she replied. "I jab myself with every syringe I find."

"And how's that tremor of yours?"

"G—g—g—g—good."

He poked her in the arm with his pen. "Talk less."

When they got back in the car, it wasn't even noon yet, and Joel had taken all of Friday off for the appointment.

"You got anything going on today?" he asked.

"Yeah," she said. "I was scheduled to sit around your apartment and be bored."

"Boy," he whistled. "You are funny today."

"I'm gonna rip your beard off."

With some convincing, Ellie agreed that she didn't need to maintain her strict two-outfit rule if she could keep some clothes at Joel's place. That's how he found himself sitting on the bench by the door at Goodwill, waiting for Ellie to wrap it up. He saw her meandering through the men's section checking out a shirt that would fit better as a sleeping bag.

She made quite the fuss when he pulled out his credit card at checkout.

"I'm sorry, ma'am," said Ellie to the woman at the register. "My friend here is being obtuse. Do not take his money." She reached back into her bag and pulled out a wad of cash, from which she paid for the clothes and donated $5 to the women's shelter.

"See," she said on the way out, "that donation was tactical. If I end up in the women's shelter, it'll go right back into my pocket."

"Very clever," Joel mocked.

He thought all the clothes she picked out were stupid, but it was nice to see her laying around in something comfortable. That afternoon she was sprawled out on the couch in a pair of black sweatpants and a Who Farted? t-shirt, looking more engrossed in an episode of The Twilight Zone than anyone he'd ever seen. Later, when he was getting ready for bed, he noticed she'd started leaving her toothbrush and deodorant by the sink in the bathroom and his heart jumped a little.

After she refused to put anything else on TV, Joel informed her that he was going to the Goodnight Zone, which did not get a laugh.

Chapter Text

Joel and Ellie walked to the diner for breakfast. As they came out of the apartment building, Joel felt the morning chill immediately stinging his ears. Ellie held her hand out and caught a snowflake.

"First snow of winter," she remarked.

Bah humbug, Joel thought. He was never particularly keen to the heat of Texas summers, but he'd take it any day over the cold season here in Boston. It made him feel stiff and creaky, and gave way to a certain depression he could never shake until April or May. "Bet you're glad you got them sweaters yesterday," he said.

"Yeah," she nodded. "Last winter was fucking brutal."

Joel frowned. He tried not to think about all the time she spent on her own out in the city. Little things would clue him in sometimes; the way she startled at sudden noises or hoarded food in her backpack. The products of a year spent watching her own back, he reckoned.

"I used to hide in the library so I could spend the night after they closed," she recalled. "I kinda like snow in the daytime, but at night it was like zero degrees outside."

"That's smart," he praised, hoping it'd be enough to shut her up about it.

"Man," she huffed. "I used to be so good at that stuff." She kicked a pebble off the sidewalk.

"Fine," he groaned. "I'll bite. So good at what stuff?"

She waved a hand, gesturing to everything around them. "All of it. Finding food, finding money, staying alert... Surviving."

"You seem like you're doing fine," he assured.

"Fucking David, man," she cursed. "Totally threw me off my game."

Joel held the diner door open and Ellie filed past him. They made their way to the usual booth. "You want to talk about it?" he asked, seriously hoping she did not.

She sat down. "I don't really, but I should probably get it off my chest."

"You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to."

Ellie wagged a finger. "No backing down now," she admonished.

Joel smiled despite himself. "Go ahead if you wanna."

"But, I retain the right to stop the story whenever I want and mope around all day if I upset myself."

"Right."

"Okay," she sighed. "It all started maybe a month ago. You remember like the end of September when it would not stop fucking raining?"

He nodded. In truth, he didn't remember that at all. He took the last week of September off work every year to drink himself stupid, alone in his apartment. Somewhere in there he'd turned 52, if his math was right.

"I started going to this coffee shop all the time to get out of the rain," she continued. "They'd let me hang around without buying anything, so I'd just sit and draw all day." She started tugging on her fingers as she went on. "And this guy, David, came in like twice a day to get some weird health drink; it was green and looked fucking gross. And I saw him all the time so I'd wave whenever he showed up, and at some point he came and sat at my table." She paused as the waitress came over.

"Hey, you two," she greeted. "How're we doing today?"

"Good," Ellie smiled, still seeming sincere. No moping so far.

"What can I get you started with?"

"Coffee," Joel said. "And a Denver omelette."

The waitress turned to Ellie. "And you, honey? Cereal again?"

"Fuck no," she emphasized. "I'll have the Supreme Breakfast Burger and a ginger ale, please."

"No problem, sweetheart. I'll have your drinks over in a moment."

Ellie cracked her knuckles as the waitress disappeared behind the counter. "Alright. Doing good so far." She held her hands out in front of her. "Barely even shaking."

"Go easy on yourself," Joel chided. "Only say what you want to say."

"Right," she nodded. "So he came and sat at my table and started talking to me... introducing himself or whatever. I just kept doodling in my journal and tried to ignore him until he went away, and eventually he got the message and fucked off. But the next day he tried again, and then again, and again. He liked to talk about God and praying and stuff like that. He told me his church would help me if I didn't have anywhere else to go." She swallowed the lump in her throat. "It was super annoying, but he only ever came in for like five minutes so I didn't care..."

That all added up. When David's name came through Joel's office as a potential suspect it didn't even have an address attached. The only connection he and Tess could tie the guy to was his church. He was a big tither, and had donated enough to have his name and picture up on their website. He had been the month of August's Exceptional Community Member. Joel showed up to morning mass the next day and practically had to shake the man's address out of one of the clergymen. He got a search warrant processed that night; the night he found Ellie.

"Anyway," Ellie said, "he kept at it for weeks. Come in— buy a gross drink— chat for five minutes— leave. He was always really nice, and I thought the whole church guy thing was kind of endearing, so I guess I got used to it. Then one day it was pouring rain and the coffee shop was about to close for the day, and it was like a twenty minute walk to the library..." She gritted her teeth. "So I asked him to give me a ride."

Joel's stomach lurched. He maintained his poker face as best he could, but he knew how much she probably didn't want to admit that. For as much fuss as she made about taking care of herself, she must've felt pretty miserable about a mistake like that.

"I figured he was going to his church anyway, and the library was like a block from there... I don't know if I was just tired that day or what, but I asked for a ride. I know that was stupid."

Joel wanted to tell her to forgive herself almost as bad as he wanted to scold her. It was stupid, but he hated to see her agonizing over it.

"As soon as I got in the car," she sighed, "he fucking stuck me in the leg with some needle and I passed out. Then I woke up in that cage."

Joel ran a hand over his beard. "Was anyone else still there?"

Ellie looked about ready to be done. "Nobody alive," she replied. "He was chopping up some lady when I woke up."

Joel figured David had been on a crusade. The missing person reports had all been ex-convicts and prostitutes, and Tess had a hunch that they'd find some self-righteous psychopath responsible. So Joel had been pretty surprised to find an innocent little girl at the scene.

The waitress came back and set down their drinks. "Your food will be out in just a minute," she smiled.

Ellie took a long drink of her ginger ale, and her eyes rolled back into her head. "Ahhhhhhhh," she breathed, dramatically patting her stomach. Joel took a sip of his coffee and wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead. The kid seemed to be recharging now, like she was sucking battery power up through her straw.

"You want to stop talking about it?" he asked.

She took another sip and shrugged. "You got questions?"

"Nothing important," he said. "How long were you there?"

"Like two days."

Joel had gotten pretty numb to that sort of thing after so many cases. He remembered how upset Tess had gotten every time another lead dried up, and how unaffected he was by comparison. It made him sick to his stomach, thinking of a fourteen year-old girl kept in a cage while he sipped his morning coffee and strung threads together on a cork board.

"Why you?" he asked, thinking out loud.

Ellie was clearly caught off guard at the question.

He blinked and waved a hand. "I just mean... That was my case. You just don't fit the victim pattern is all." He winced, not thinking that sounded particularly compassionate.

She blew a raspberry and scratched her nose. "He wasn't gonna kill me. He said I was special, like him. He thought I was supposed to join him in his cause." She shivered. "He said he needed my help, taking the scum of the earth and returning them to the food chain. I think he was just in love with me."

Joel pinched the bridge of his nose and tried not to vomit. "Christ," he muttered. He'd kind of figured that was the case.

"I know, right?" Ellie took another drink, seemingly comforted by Joel's own discomfort. Validated, maybe.

He took a steadying sip of coffee and stared into the steam coming off the mug.

"I broke his finger," she said. "Then he kicked the shit out of me; bruised my ribs really bad. He came back down that night, right before you showed up. He said he forgave me, but that he had to cut one of my fingers off." She held her left hand up. "He made me pick which one. I chose this one." She wiggled her pinky.

Joel could only hope he was keeping the horror off his face.

"I got the knife from him, obviously. I think you know the rest." She finished off her soda, and burped. Then she met Joel's eyes and chuckled. "Sorry. I know that's a lot."

He shook his head. "No, don't apologize."

The snow had picked up outside, darkening the morning a bit. Frost was beginning to creep up the window beside them.

"The next part is really really bad," she warned.

Joel almost spit his coffee out. "Next part?"

"It's mostly just really embarrassing, and I swore I'd never tell you this but I'm kind of on a roll with sharing right now."

I swore I'd never tell you this... He waited for her to continue.

"When I called you for the first time, a week ago today, I did get mugged. I did freak out and hyperventilate and stuff, all that was true." She chewed on her lip. "I didn't call you right away, though. Not for a couple hours."

"Okay." Joel could've sworn she was dragging this out just to torture him.

"After I was back on the street, after David... I was like barely functioning. I would just walk around and count my breaths." She looked up at the ceiling. "All I could think was like... I killed a guy. And then I got mugged and I realized I couldn't do it any more. All the time I spent getting good at surviving out here... it was all gone."

Joel bit his tongue, but couldn't help interjecting. "Now Ellie," he spoke. "Looking for help don't mean you're any weaker than you were; you've gotta know that. Calling me was the right thing to do."

"No." She shook her head. "It's not that. I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't want to; it was too hard." She breathed through her nose. "I still had your phone number in my pocket, and you were a stranger. And a man," she said. "And I just thought, maybe this one will kill me."

He put a hand over his sternum, just to make sure he was still breathing.

"I didn't even have a phone," she admitted. "I went and bought a prepaid one just so I could call you. Then I got to your apartment and my brain kicked in and I was like What the fuck, Ellie? and freaked out and... hit you with my soda."

"Ellie." 

"But then you were all grumpy and quiet and sturdy, and not weird and friendly and preachy. You've got like an angry teddy bear thing going on."

"Ellie." He raised his voice just enough to cut through. Still, she shrunk a little. He continued as softly as he could manage. "You were hoping I would kill you?"

She scratched aggressively at her eyebrow and groaned. "I don't want to die," she assured. "I didn't really then either. I just wanted to... roll the dice I guess."

Joel didn't know how to begin to respond to that. Ellie needed therapy as badly as he did.

"I didn't know what else to do! Maybe you would kill me, maybe you'd arrest me or something. I ran out of options!" She was getting worked up now. "And it didn't last long, you remember how careful I was after that. And that was only a week ago and look how much better I'm doing!"

She was doing much better, but the look on her face betrayed her insecurities. Like she didn't really believe it.

"You are," Joel confirmed. "You're a brave kid for trying as hard as you do." She was being so impossibly vulnerable, he almost couldn't handle it. "I know I get on you for it, but you're still out there trying to trust people. That's a big thing."

She relaxed into her seat, but her brow furrowed a bit. "But I'm trying not to," she frowned. "I kinda can't help it. I know I should have been more careful about Henry. I really should be more careful with you."

"That's me talking," he argued.

"Yeah, I guess," she snickered. "I really do trust you, y'know. Even if it's stupid."

Joel felt a pang of guilt bouncing around his brain. She was getting so attached, and he knew exactly how she felt. His heart squeezed in his chest if he even tried to admit it to himself, but he cared so much more than he ever meant to. He thought about how horrified he was to go to Tommy's tonight, and Ellie was totally in the dark.

And now she was keeping clothes at his apartment. 

Her toothbrush on the sink.

Ginger ale in the fridge.

But he couldn't do it. Tonight, he would shatter her trust if that's what he had to do.

The way his lungs tightened when she was away.

The way his stomach turned when he'd found that note on the TV.

The way he hated himself all over again when he made her cry.

He was going to break this little girl's heart, if that's what it took. To be safe, and lonely, and empty.

"Sorry for the wait, folks!" The waitress was back. "An omelette for you..." She set Joel's plate down in front of him.

Ellie was already drooling as her Supreme Breakfast Burger came into view. "And here you are, young lady."

She took a bite and began bouncing in her seat. "This is the best thing that's ever happened to me," she said, still chewing. She washed it down with more soda. "Hey, thanks for letting me talk. I know you hate that stuff." 

He barely heard her, still having something of an internal breakdown.

"I don't know why I wanted to tell you all that. I'm in like such a good mood today."

Joel shook the storm clouds off his head and centered himself. "Glad to hear it, kiddo."

Chapter Text

"You ever get sick of Boston?" she asked. Ellie was curled up in the passenger seat with her knees pulled up into her sweater. The heater in Joel's car was barely functional, and the morning's snow had left a chill throughout the day. Joel could feel the dry skin across his knuckles starting to peel. The death grip he kept on the steering wheel probably wasn't helping.

"I do," he answered. "In the winter, especially."

They were ten minutes out from Tommy's, and Joel thought he might be better off just driving into the ocean. 

"So why do you live here?" Ellie probed. "Just to be close to your brother?"

He could hardly think, let alone talk, but the last thing he wanted to do was snap at the girl. His only chance at a diplomatic evening would probably involve not being a dickhead. He could also clue her in, he thought; give her some warning about the kind of ambush she was walking into.

"I don't know," he said, exiting the highway. "It's as good a place as any."

"I wouldn't know," she replied, "I've lived here my whole life. I always thought I'd like it better somewhere smaller."

"What, like a smaller city?"

"Yeah, or like... not a city. A small town or something. Somewhere with trees and animals and stuff."

Joel couldn't quite imagine that. Ellie, with her video game t-shirts and bulky headphones, walking through the woods. "I was born in Arlington," he said. "Not a small town by any means, but it had its share of trees, I remember that."

"Arlington," she repeated.

"Just outside Dallas."

Ellie scrunched her face up and shook her head. "I don't think I'd wanna live in Texas. I still like the cold. I think maybe like Washington or Oregon; somewhere really green."

"Maybe we'll go some time," he said. Not necessarily a lie. It wasn't like they'd never see each other again. Once she got settled in at Tommy and Maria's, maybe he'd start coming by for dinner more often. Take the kid out for ice cream every once in a while. It wasn't out of the question that one day he might tag along when they all went to look at colleges.

Then he glanced over and caught her smile, and he wished he'd kept his mouth shut. She was looking out the window at the passing city and practically blushing. Maybe we'll go some time. What an asshole.

Joel thought he could hear the toll of his own funeral bells as he parked the car. On the way up the stairs, he considered the ethics of faking a heart attack and avoiding dinner altogether. Maybe, if he was lucky, he'd have a real one and not have to worry about it.

"Was Tommy born in Arlington too?"

Joel finally stepped foot on the fourth floor landing and stopped to catch his breath. "Nope," he managed. "Tommy's dad took off before he was born. Mom moved us to Austin to be closer to family, and he was born there."

Ellie made a face. "You and Tommy have different dads?"

"Yep."

"Man," she breathed. "What happened to your dad?"

"Same thing... just hit the road." It had been a long time since he held any kind of grudge about it.

Much to his surprise, Ellie laughed. "I guess everybody's dad sucks."

"Just about."

Tommy answered the door the second after Ellie knocked. "Well hey, kid," he greeted. "Thought I heard y'all out there."

"Sorry," she smiled, "you know how Joel likes to talk."

"Do I ever," he joked.

Tommy ushered them inside and led them into the living room, where the coffee table was stacked with pizza boxes and solo cups. "Nothing fancy tonight, my apologies. I figure you can't go wrong with pizza, though."

Ellie lifted the lid on one of the boxes and inhaled the pepperoni fumes. "That sounds so fucking good right now."

"Glad to hear it," he said. "Ginger ale's in the fridge."

Her jaw hung open for a second before she caught herself looking stupid. "Wow," she breathed. "Looks like you did your Ellie research."

He snickered. "And check this out." He held a hand up, eagerly awaiting a high five. "No more hugs."

She spun around on Joel as her face turned bright red, and he couldn't help but smile. "You fucking snitch!" she cursed and punched him on the shoulder. 

"Are you gonna leave me hanging?" Tommy called, grinning like a regular idiot.

Ellie turned back around and hung her head like a dog caught going through the garbage. She looked up and met his hand. "Joel was not supposed to tell you that," she hissed. "And no offense! I'm just not big on touching."

"No offense taken, and no explanation needed," he insisted. "I hope you'll forgive me for assuming last time."

She fell on to the couch and kicked the side of Joel's shoe. "You're a real narc for that. That was off the record."

"You'll get over it," he chuckled. "You gonna want a soda?"

"Yes," she grumbled, almost pouting. "Now you want to be nice?"

Joel grabbed a cup from the table and walked to the kitchen. He poured Ellie her soda and spotted a full pot of coffee waiting for him on the counter. Tommy was thoughtful, if nothing else. Joel had shot him a text the day before about the kid's hug-hesitance, as well as her soda preference, and he'd been quick to show his commitment to honoring both.

Ellie would be okay here.

He walked back to living room and handed her her drink, then took a slow sip of his coffee and focused on the way it made his limbs tingle. A momentary distraction, but a distraction nonetheless. When he sat down on the couch he kept a responsible distance between himself and Ellie, unsure if he could handle the additional guilt-trip of her getting all cozy against his shoulder the way she liked to. He set a slice of pizza on his plate and found himself utterly without appetite. 

Ellie soon finished her second slice and stuffed the crust into her mouth whole. "Where's Maria?" she asked.

Tommy was flipping through the DVR, looking for Thursday's game. "She had to swing by the station," he said. "Should be back any minute."

Ellie hummed and emptied her soda. "Joel, you still being nice?"

He twisted his head. "Come again?"

She shook her cup, the remaining ice cubes bouncing around at the bottom. "You wanna get me a refill? Or did you hit your nice quota?"

He took the cup and headed for the kitchen again. "How'd you even drink it that fast?..." 

When he returned, Tommy had the game on and Ellie was working on a new slice of supreme pizza, seemingly moved on from the pepperoni. When he sat this time, she was quick to close the gap, turning and leaning her back against his side so she could kick her feet up on the armrest. Before he even knew what hit him, her head fell back on to his shoulder and she let out a sigh.

"Man, you are being nice today. Guess my good mood is contagious."

Tommy smiled sadly, and Joel didn't have to guess who Ellie was reminding him of.

"So how does this whole football thing work?" she asked, waving at the screen.

Joel went to answer, but Tommy beat him to the punch. "I am glad you asked, young lady!"

Tommy went through the fundamentals, rewinding and fast-forwarding through the first quarter of the game to find examples. Ellie kept her eyes dutifully on the screen, interrupting to ask questions wherever she got confused. When they got through the four-down system and the basic objective, Tommy went into explaining each position and the role they lent to the team. He was totally in his element. Ellie went through a whole slice of pizza in just the time it took him to define interception.

She collapsed when he started listing the point values of different goals. "How are you supposed to remember everything?" she wailed.

Joel cracked a smile at that. "You just have to play it a couple times; it'll all click."

Tommy almost jumped out of his seat. "I'll tell you what," he began. "Maria's been known to play a pretty good receiver. How's about we walk on down to the park, try out something a little more hands on?"

Ellie perked up. "Fuck yeah! I wanna tackle someone."

"You can barely handle a hug," Joel reminded her, "let's just slow down a sec—"

"Boooo!" she shouted. "Joel's afraid to get tackled! His old man heart might explode! Boooo!"

"Come on, big brother," Tommy goaded. "Run a couple drills with us."

Joel ran a hand over his beard. "No tackling," he said, a serious finger pointed at Ellie. "And twenty bucks says you can't throw a single spiral."

"You're fucking on!"

Joel carried the pizzas while Ellie cradled a two-liter of ginger ale like a baby. Tommy was tapping away at his cellphone letting Maria know where to find them, a football tucked under his arm. A few blocks from their apartment was a park that consisted of little more than a vast green field and some picnic tables. On one end there was a baseball diamond, on the other a couple of soccer nets.

Joel set the pizzas down on a little table near the middle and spied the dim grey sky. Cloudy afternoons made him think of John Denver, humming out of his mom's old stereo back in Austin.

"Good thing it stopped snowing this morning," Ellie observed.

Joel clicked his tongue. "I reckon the grass is still a little wet... and you're running around in chucks."

"No fair," Ellie giggled. "You're gonna be unbeatable in the New Balances."

Joel tried to think of something clever to say, but was distracted by the sight of Tommy's football getting bigger in his periphery. He caught it out of the air just before it clocked him the head.

Tommy whistled. "Still got it!" he called, jogging to catch up.

"What's the deal with Maria?" asked Joel, turning the ball in his hands, re-familiarizing himself with the shape and texture. It had been a while, to say the least.

"She'll be here in five," he said. "I don't see any reason to wait up."

"So when do I tackle?" Ellie sneered.

Tommy blew a hair out of his face. "Let's hold off on the tackling until you can catch and throw, at least. And no better way to observe the throw... than ol' Miller the Missile, himself." He gestured to his brother.

"The Missile, huh?" She cocked an eyebrow. "You played, Joel?"

"In high school," he clarified. "A long time ago."

Tommy was already building to a jog down the field. "Don't be modest!" he shouted. "Let 'er rip!"

Joel planted his feet and took a breath. He ignored Ellie's skeptical gaze and drew the ball back by his head with both hands. He rotated it a bit, lining the laces up perfectly between his finger tips, and said a silent prayer that he wouldn't throw his back out. Then he took a step forward and let fly.

He heard Ellie gasp as the ball tore through the air in a perfect spiral. Joel slipped ever-so-slightly along the wet grass, but caught himself before it could get embarrassing. He watched his arc complete directly on target as Tommy caught the ball against his chest, probably 40 yards away.

"Dude!" Ellie howled. "You have to show me how to do that!"

He maintained his ego as best he could and tipped an imaginary cowboy hat. "Miller the Missile... at your service."

They spent the next ten minutes tossing the ball back and forth while Tommy tried to explain to Maria over the phone where the available parking was. Joel stepped in closer to Ellie to show her proper form, and marveled at how quick she picked it up.

"You're gonna want to hold a little further back than you'd think," he explained, bringing a hand down over hers to guide her fingers into place. "That's it. Then it's just; step, throw."

"Step..." she took a step, "throw," and she sent the ball about twice as far as he'd expected her skinny arms to manage.

"Well daggum, girl."

"I told you!" she beamed. "I'm a natural!"

When Maria finally made it over, Tommy and Joel were belting the ball to each other from as far away as they could manage while Ellie recharged with a soda back at the table. Tommy spotted her and hustled over to plant a kiss on her cheek and apologize for getting frustrated on the phone. She looked about as exhausted as Joel would expect, working weekends.

"What's got you at the station today?" he asked, loading a slice of pizza on his plate. Nothing like a little fatigue to finally work up an appetite.

"Same old," she groaned. "Dicks who want reassignments, like always."

"Woah," Ellie laughed. "I didn't know you cursed like that."

Maria smiled weakly. "Dick is short for detective."

"Oh." The gears in her head were obviously spinning. "So Joel is a dick, like... officially?"

"On and off the clock," Tommy chimed in.

"Sorry for taking so long," Maria interjected. "How are you doing, Ellie? I'm happy to see you gaining weight."

Joel hadn't mentioned it, but he'd definitely noticed. The kid's boney little wrists and gaunt cheeks had finally started filling out.

"Um... thanks?"

Maria planted herself on the bench and shoveled a slice of pizza into her mouth. She turned back to Joel. "Your partner was in my office today; one of the ones looking to swap cases."

"Oh yeah?" He asked, pouring himself a bit of soda. "She finally sick of working with me?"

"Please," Maria scoffed. "You know that woman adores you. She was looking to get reassigned with you, said you were both sick of working stakeout."

"They're in love," Ellie added, before Joel shoved her out of her seat with a yelp.

"Well, I don't think I wanna move you guys," Maria continued. "I don't know that I trust those juniors with their own homicide."

"Sounds like a lot of shop talk," Tommy interrupted. "Are we out here to talk about murders... or to play God's favorite sport?"

"I'm not really in the mood to run around," she sighed. "You go ahead, I'm gonna try and eat some more."

Joel knocked on the table, calling the attention of the group. "Hang on a minute," he drawled, giving Maria a challenging look. "How bad do you want me and Tess on stakeout?"

She furrowed her brow. "What are you on about?"

He sucked his teeth and looked to Ellie, who was still wiping the dirt off of her sweater. "You give us that reassignment... if Ellie can throw the ball farther than you."

Maria laughed. "Come on."

"I'm serious," he smirked. "Kid's got an arm."

"Wait wait wait," Ellie piped up, "what do I get when I inevitably win?"

"What was that?" Maria gasped. She rose to her feet and reached for the football.

Ellie poked Joel on the shoulder. "If I win this for you, you have to watch Princess Mononoke with me tonight."

"Princess what?"

"And if I win," Maria cut in, "Tess has to come into work on time for a whole week."

"Deal."

"Deal."

"Deal!" Ellie cheered.

"Alright," Tommy instructed. "Don't let your foot cross the line when you throw, or you'll be disqualified."  He dragged his shoe across a swatch of grass.

"Nothing personal, Ellie," bragged Maria. "I've been doing this a lot longer than you." She tossed the ball up over her head and caught it.

"I don't know," Ellie said. "I think you're a little bit scared."

"You're practically shaking."

"I have a tremor!"

Maria laughed, and tossed her the ball. "You want to go first?"

Ellie positioned the ball in her hand and mimed a few throws, warming up for the big event. Joel put a hand on her shoulder and another on her wrist. "Remember," he said, adjusting her form, "don't stop when you release the ball. You've gotta—"

"Follow all the way through," she finished. "I got this."

He took a step back, hands raised in surrender. "Alright, kiddo. Let's see it."

She took a breath and threw the ball; a little wobbly, but farther than anyone was expecting. As it touched down out in the grass, it dawned on Joel that Maria was obviously going to win. Still, he was impressed.

"Not bad," he praised, and ruffled her hair.

She grinned and batted his hand away. "Not bad? Admit I'm a pro!"

"Your head's big enough."

Tommy jogged down to retrieve the ball and tossed it back over. "I'll stand here and mark your spot!"

"I'm impressed," Maria admitted. "Did you ever play in school?"

Ellie shook her head. "I learned it all today."

"Well, you're certainly a fast learner. I still think I've got you, though." Maria settled into her stance and gave the ball an easy toss overhead. Though a perfect spiral, it sailed pathetically over a couple dozen yards and came to a stop in the grass before crossing Tommy.

Joel smiled, and Maria covertly sent him a wink. "Shit!" she swore, really playing it up.

Ellie's hands shot up over her head in celebration. "And Ellie brings home the trophy!" she announced.

Tommy came marching over, smiling and shaking his head like he'd just heard a bad joke. "Wow, Maria," he breathed. "I think this might call for divorce."

"I should be so lucky," she shot back.

"I mean I knew you weren't great," he went on, "but that was downright embarrassing."

She snickered and cracked her knuckles. "You better be careful talking like that on the field, honey. Don't get yourself tackled."

"After that?" he emphasized. "I doubt that you could knock over a—" Maria's shoulder collided with his chest before he could finish, sending them both sliding across the grass.

Tommy laid out on his back like a gunshot victim while Maria laughed like a madwoman and crawled over to kiss him on his forehead. "She's still got it," he croaked.

Ellie was cracking up, resting her hands on her knees and looking delighted. "You guys are the best."

Maria got up and dusted her jeans off, looking more than a little proud. "I'm glad you think so, Ellie. Because there's actually something we wanted to talk to you about."

...

Joel felt his stomach drop and he froze. Ellie shot him a curious look and cocked an eyebrow. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah," Maria replied, looking a little nervous. "What do you think about coming to live with me and Tommy?"

Ellie squinted, looking confused. "What?"

"We know you're only a few years out from adulthood, but we figured you might like a place to settle down for the time being. Go to high school, maybe college in a while... we'd love to help you out if you'll let us."

Ellie's face fell. She looked like she'd seen a ghost. "No," she breathed. "Joel, do you—" She looked up at him, and he must've looked as guilty as he felt. "Did you know about this?"

He stopped holding his breath. "They've been looking to adopt for some time. We figured this'd be a good fit."

Her mouth fell open like she was trying to breathe. "Adopt?"

Tommy stepped forward, "Now I know this is a lot all at once..."

Neither Joel nor Ellie could hear him, locked in a miserable staring contest. Ellie faintly shook her head, her eyes wide and empty. Joel couldn't help but remember that first night, when he'd brought her into the station for questioning. She'd sat silently in the passenger seat and stared at her bloody hands, looking just like that.

"This is why you brought me here?" she asked.

"Now, Ellie—"

"Are you kidding me?" Her eyes looked almost pleading now.

Joel steeled himself and set his jaw. This was always going to be hard, but it had to be done.

"You've been trying to get rid of me this whole time." She was thinking out loud, replaying it all in her head.

"Nobody's getting rid of you, Ellie. I'll still be—"

"You fucking traitor," she whispered, looking down at her shoes.

Maria and Tommy looked on like deer in headlights. "Why don't we get the car started?" Tommy said, tapping his wife on the shoulder. "You two come on over when you're finished talking."

Joel turned to face them. "Go ahead and drive home," he said. "We'll walk."

"You're sure?" Maria asked, looking about as somber now as him.

"Yeah, I'm sure. Go on."

When they were out of sight, Ellie sighed and finally met his eyes again. "You fucking tricked me." Her emotions were catching up to her now.

"What do you want from me?" he questioned, almost a growl.

"I thought we were good!" The betrayal was thick on her voice. "I thought you were good! I thought you liked having me around."

"It's not like that," he calmed, already trying hard to keep from shouting. "You can't just live somewhere, Ellie. You need a home, and a school, and a bedroom."

"I couldn't have done that with you?" Her hands were balled tightly into fists at her sides.

"I told you it's not like that." He felt his anger starting to eclipse his sympathy. "I told you I live alone, and I told you that ain't changing."

"I thought we were figuring it out!" she cried. "I thought maybe you changed your mind!"

"I didn't!" he snapped. "You're fine company, Ellie, but it's like you said: I like my space."

"Bullshit," she hissed. "You're gonna kick me out and you can't even tell me why? You don't think you owe me that?"

"You will be better off! Tommy and Maria can—"

"Fuck Tommy and Maria! This has nothing to do with them—"

"You can not stay with me!" A bit of spit blew off his lip into the grass as he roared. "Because I don't want you to!"

"Fucking liar!" she screamed. "I can't stay with you because you're too scared I'll end up like Sarah!"

Joel's eyes burned with twenty years of unspilled tears. "No."

"Yes!" Ellie's eyes were red and angry, and her lip was trembling. "I know you care about me." She wiped her nose. "I know it. And I know you're scared. I'm scared too, but at least I'm willing to try and—"

"Sarah was sick, and she wilted away." Joel's voice was quiet now, but just as intense. A tear rolled off his cheek. "You? You're gonna get yourself killed being stupid, and I will not be the one who finds you when you do."

Ellie's breath escaped her and she shuttered. Joel could see her heart breaking right before his eyes.

"I won't do this anymore." he said. "You can't stay with me."

She couldn't seem to find the words.

"You can't make it out there living on the streets anymore either," he continued. "You said it yourself."

"So that's my choice?" Ellie practically whimpered. "I have to live here at Tommy's, or just go out there and die?"

Joel sniffled. "Sounds like a pretty easy choice."

Her eyes darted around his face, searching for something she wouldn't find. "I trusted you."

"You've known me for a week, Ellie."

Her shoulders hung limply as she stared off into the clouds. 

Ellie didn't cry on the walk back. She didn't cry on the way up the stairs or down the hallway, or when Maria answered the door and asked if she was okay. She didn't cry when Joel said he was going to leave and get her things from his apartment. She sat on the couch and looked at her hands, watching them shake the way they always did.

Joel did cry on the way to his car. He cried in the driver's seat when he tried to remember the name of the movie they were supposed to watch tonight, and the look on her face when she threw that football. He cried when he got to his apartment and piled her clothes into a garbage bag, and when he didn't leave his house key under the mat.

Not quite equipped to handle the sound of his own thoughts, he slid a CD into the stereo on his drive back; John Denver. He tried to let it remind him of his mom, but his mind was on action movies, and diner food, and ginger ale.

Chapter Text

"Ellie, I'm not even sure what to say..." Maria sat down beside her on the couch, rubbing her knees awkwardly. "This isn't how anybody wanted this to go."

Ellie sat and stared at her hands. "It's okay," she said, her voice dull.

"We didn't mean to jump you like that," Maria frowned. "And we don't want you to feel like you have no say here."

She didn't have a say. Joel had been sure to remind her that she was trapped here, and that he knew exactly what kind of position he was putting her in.

Maria placed a careful hand on her shoulder. "Can you talk to me for a minute, Ellie? We can figure this out."

She sighed, and met Maria's guilty eyes. "What's there to figure out?"

Maria bit her lip. "I don't know what Joel said to you, honey, but you know how he is. I'm sure he was just upset."

"Yeah."

"The guy's just hurting right now. He'll cool off before he gets back."

Ugh. Ellie would rather eat a pine cone than see Joel again, but he'd be back any minute with her stuff. Any evidence that she'd ever been sleeping on his couch, bundled up and delivered to her new home. Like she'd never even been there. "I thought it was gonna be different."

Maria started rubbing slow circles into her back. It might've made her uncomfortable under normal circumstances. "I know you did," Maria soothed. "Joel can be pretty distant. Not really the type to explain himself."

But it was so much worse than that. "He watched movies with me every night." She kept her voice low and even. She would not cry again. "He told me I wasn't alone."

Maria made a sound like she was feeling very bad for her, and settled her hand against Ellie's spine. "I'm sorry, sweetheart." Slowly, she stood and tugged gently on the shoulder of Ellie's sweater. "Come with me to the kitchen for a minute."

She stood and did as she was told, following stiffly behind. Maria stopped by the sink and filled a small pot full of water, and set it on the stove. "You like tea, Ellie?"

She shrugged. "I don't know."

"Well," Maria went on, doing her best to sound cheery, "I have this tea I like to make in the winter. I usually wait until it gets a little closer to Christmas, but there's no harm in starting a little early."

Ellie hummed in acknowledgement. Her eyes found their way to the picture of Joel and his daughter on the fridge, and her stomach turned.

Sarah was sick, and she wilted away. 

"This stuff works wonders, just you wait." Maria began pouring a mix of ingredients into the pot as it began to bubble. Cinnamon, a bit of sugar, something that looked like cranberry juice. She cut up an apple and half a lemon, and slid them both off the cutting board into the odd mixture. She went to the cupboard and produced two mugs, and plucked two bags of black tea from a box on the counter. When the pot came to a proper boil, she shut the stove off and poured the mixture over the tea bags in both mugs. "You gotta give it a second to brew."

Ellie leaned over the steaming pot and took a deep breath. It smelled sweet, and fruity, and a little bit like a tree. "I thought tea was like coffee, with milk and stuff."

"Yeah," Maria chuckled. "This is more like a nice smelling soup. My dad used to boil all this stuff to make the house smell like Christmas. It was my idea to start drinking it." She handed Ellie a mug. "Mix the tea bag around a little."

She pinched the string and dragged it around the rim, watching the bag spin around below the surface. It was kind of mesmerizing. "Does this help it mix?"

Maria shrugged. "I don't really think so. I just like it."

Ellie snorted. "It does smell like Christmas."

She froze as a quiet sound reverberated from out in the hallway, the low rumble of voices muffled by the wall. It grew louder and more distinct as someone began to shout. The voice was Tommy's. Then another voice, deeper and quieter; calmer, but somehow a thousand times more commanding. Ellie found herself relieved that Joel wasn't yelling back; it wouldn't be good for his heart.

"Drink that," Maria said, pointing to the mug in her hands. "Don't worry about them."

Ellie took a sip of her tea and found it didn't taste like how it smelled. It was sweet, and fruity, and a little spicy; but more than anything it was bitter. She took another sip and found that she liked it. "It's good," she said.

The front door slammed shut and she flinched. Tommy stormed into the kitchen in a huff, holding an overstuffed garbage bag. "He's gone," he announced, looking furious. "Took off."

"Settle down, Tommy," Maria chided, her demeanor was rigid despite her even tone. "You want some tea?"

He took a breath and looked a bit embarrassed. "Sorry," he said, smoothing his hair back. "And yes."

"Is that my stuff?" Ellie asked.

Tommy set the garbage bag on the counter and scooted it closer to her. "Yeah. He said to let him know if he missed something." He shook his head and scoffed. "Son of a bitch."

Maria handed her husband a mug and squeezed him on the shoulder. "Easy, honey." She turned to Ellie and softened her expression. "We're gonna go talk out in the hall for a minute, kiddo. Are you gonna be alright in here by yourself?"

Ellie felt like throwing up. Did she just live here now? She'd only spent a combined total of a couple hours with Maria, and would probably have a panic attack if Tommy stood too close. It was different when Joel was there next to her like a begrudgingly protective grizzly bear, but these people were effectively strangers. Suddenly it was all honey, sweetheart, kiddo; and Ellie was helplessly boxed in.

She wished more than anything that Joel would just come banging on the front door and scoop her up. He'd tell her how sorry he was, and she would forgive him in a heartbeat. They'd go back to his couch and watch Princess Mononoke and he would complain about having to read subtitles, and she would lean up against his arm the way she liked to. And everything would be okay again.

She realized too late that she was crying. She felt her breath catching and heard tears dropping into her Christmas tea. Tommy and Maria stood by with wide eyes and stiff shoulders. Thank god, Ellie thought. She didn't know what she'd do if Maria tried to touch her again. She set her mug down and wiped at her eyes with her sleeve. "I'm gonna go sit." Her voice was weak and she hated it.

Without warning, the best week of her life was over, and she was miserable again. Joel had left, without even saying goodbye.

When it got to be around midnight, Tommy brought a blanket and pillow out and showed Ellie how to work the TV. There was a spare bedroom down the hall, but she insisted on sleeping on the couch, where she wouldn't feel so claustrophobic.

"Why do you guys have an extra bedroom, anyway?"

Tommy scratched at his cheek and looked at the ceiling. "We've been trying for kids a long a time now. Figured it made sense."

"Oh." She flipped through movie channels, barely even looking at the screen.  "Can I ask you something?"

"Go ahead," he responded. Sometimes he sounded so much like Joel.

"What happened to Sarah?" she asked, barely getting the words out. She pulled her knees up to her chest and felt dizzy.

Tommy sighed and sunk back into the couch a bit. "She got sick around the time I got back from college. Back in Austin."

"What kind of sick?"

He blinked and stared off into space. "The kind that takes a long time," he said. "She just turned eleven when we got the news; almost thirteen when she passed."

Ellie didn't know what to say. Even Riley made it to sixteen, and at least she went quick.

Tommy cleared his throat and continued. "I was going to school for engineering when our mom got diagnosed, maybe a couple months from my degree. I packed everything up and came back home while she was in the hospital." He sounded sad but also sort of nostalgic, the way old people always talk about the past. "I lived with Joel and Sarah while I was there. He got me a job working construction that I was no good at." He chuckled dryly.

"Joel's wife wasn't around?" She couldn't help it, latching on to the details Joel would never tell her.

"Nah. Erin left a few weeks after Sarah was born, in the middle of the night. We never saw her since." He made a face. "That's not really my story to tell, though."

"Aw, come on," Ellie whined. "Humor me."

Tommy smiled and swept his hair back. "Anyways, mom died pretty quick and the doctor told us it ain't necessarily hereditary, but that we might be at a heightened risk." He made air quotes with his fingers. "So Joel gets all paranoid and we all start getting tested... and what do you know." Tommy took a deliberate breath and laid a hand over his chest. "Sarah. Same thing as our mom; Acute Myeloid Leukemia. It's a cancer in your bones and your blood." 

"That's terrible," Ellie breathed. "I'm sorry I made you talk about it."

He took a moment before responding. "That's alright. Good to get it out, I guess."

"How old was Joel?"

Tommy's hand came off his chest and settled on his knee. "It was just after midnight on his 32nd birthday when she passed."

"Fuck."

"Yeah." Tommy looked like he might cry. "A few weeks before, when she was still getting around in that wheelchair, I took her to the mall and she picked him out a watch; that one he's always wearing. 'Course I had to pay for most of it." With that, his voice broke and he brought a hand up over his eyes. "She said it was so he'd get to work on time, when she wasn't around anymore to remind him."

Ellie leaned forward and put a hand on Tommy's back, rubbing slow circles against his shirt like Maria had. She felt deeply awkward, but wasn't sure what else to do.

He chuckled, stifling a cry. "Sorry, kid."

"It's okay," she replied. "I cried in front of you a couple times today."

He sat up straight and inhaled through his nose. "Joel used to get real stubborn when we were kids, but he always did come around. And I know he's been an angry son of a bitch for twenty years now..." he turned finally, looking Ellie in the eyes, "but I think he'll come around."

She withdrew her hand and crossed her arms over her chest. "I don't know."

Tommy stood and wiped his eyes. "Call it a brother's instinct." He dusted his jeans off and yawned. "Guess I'm gonna hit the hay. You'll be alright out here?"

"Yeah," she said, easing into the cushions beneath her. "Hey, Tommy..."

"What's up?"

"Did you ever finish engineer school?"

He snickered and placed his hands on his hips. "You are looking at the finest electrical engineer in the city of Boston."

Ellie smiled and relaxed against her pillow. "Nice."

Tommy disappeared down the hall, and Ellie slid her shoes and backpack on. She kept the TV volume high enough that no one would hear the front door.

Joel's eyes wrenched open and he found himself suddenly awake. The apartment was pitch black but for the glowing alarm clock at his bedside, and dead quiet but for the harsh ringing of his cellphone. He rolled on his side. It was just past 4:00 am. His head was pounding, his eyes were dry, and his chest was still tight. Guilt hung on his shoulders like chainmail. He grabbed the phone; Tommy. It'd be so easy just to hang up, silence his ringer, and fall back asleep for as long as possible. But it wasn't like his brother to be up at 4 o'clock, let alone making phone calls.

He answered. "Yeah?"

"Is Ellie with you?"

Joel rubbed at his eyes. "What?"

"She ain't here," said Tommy. He sounded frantic. "I went to bed just after midnight. S'the last time I saw her, I don't know when she left."

"Did you try calling her?" Joel was out of bed, sliding his jeans on.

"She has a phone?"

Joel hung up. "Goddammit." He swiped through his call log and found Ellie's number. He held the phone to his ear and listened as it rang. He could hear his heart beating.

No answer. He called again...

No answer. "Goddammit, Ellie." He called again...

She picked up, just before it was too late. Joel held his breath. The sound of countless quiet voices leaked through the silence. A crowd, maybe.

"Hi, Joel."

Instantly, the air returned to his lungs. It was as good as it was agonizing to hear her voice. "Ellie, where are you?"

It was quiet again for a moment. "I'm fine." Her voice was calm, controlled. "I'm okay."

"Like hell, Ellie. Where are you?"

"I couldn't sleep. I can't stay with Tommy and Maria."

"Just tell me where I can pick you up, and we'll talk about it."

"No, Joel." She was definitely trying hard not to sound upset. "I don't think so."

"Ellie, I am gonna have a goddamned heart attack if you don't tell me where I can pick you up right now." He wasn't totally sure that was a bluff.

She sighed. "I told you I'm sick of Boston; this city has been dog shit to me for fourteen years. I think I'm gonna try somewhere else out."

Now his heart was really pounding. He could feel the blood vessels in his arms expanding as he tensed every muscle without even trying. "Do not do that. Tell me where you are."

She tried to hide a sniffle, but her voice was wet when she spoke again. "Don't call me again, Joel. I'm gonna be okay."

The call ended before he could respond. He stared at the black screen and tried to breathe. After a moment he composed himself enough to dial Tommy, cursing as he slid on his New Balances.

It was Maria who answered the phone. "Any word?" 

"I got her on the phone but she hung up," he said, stuffing his wallet into his coat and swinging it on. "She said she's leaving Boston. You need to check every bus stop and subway station on your side of town. I'll drive over and check the Amtrak on my way."

"Alright, keep your phone on you."

Joel left his key under the mat on his way out, just in case, and was down to his car within a minute. He called again as he peeled out of the parking lot. Straight to voicemail.

"Fuck!" He punched the steering wheel, eliciting a short honk from the horn.

Ellie would most likely be on Tommy's side of town, but in as long as four hours she could have gotten practically anywhere. Joel scoped out every bus stop along the way, and made a wide detour for the Back Bay Amtrak station. Nothing.

He called again. Straight to voicemail.

No, no, no, no, no...

Joel ground his heal into the gas pedal. He was going to find her. It wouldn't happen like this.

After I was back on the street, after David... I was like barely functioning.

Joel spotted his exit and flew over to the on ramp.

I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't want to; it was too hard.

Maybe she really was at the library this time. Reading the night away with some stupid science fiction book that he could make fun of when he found her.

And I just thought, maybe this one will kill me.

Joel slid out of the turn lane and blew through a red light. He barely heard the symphony of honking behind him as he weaved between lanes. Maybe he did kill her. He'd broken her heart to spare his own, and maybe it killed her. His veins were red-hot and his heart felt like an atomic warhead, threatening to go off in his chest. He slammed on the brakes as another driver, almost as crazed as him, skidded out into the intersection in front of him. The car came to a halt right against his front bumper and he paused to get a look at the driver. Maria.

He shifted into park, right in the middle of the road, and threw his door open. "Where have you checked?" he called. 

Tommy was out in front of him in a second, holding up his phone. "Here, I got a map of all the bus stops open. We hit just about every one in Brighton and most of Allston, but most of the routes don't even run after 1 o'clock. I don't reckon she'd get on the subway around here, unless she was trying to get to the coast."

"That don't make any goddamned sense," Joel spit. He paced along the pavement, racking his brain.

Maria stepped out of the car, looking just as shaken. "Unless she's going to the airport."

Tommy shot his head up that. "Does she have the money for that?"

Joel scratched his chin. "Maybe." It was something. "Look up cheap flight out of Boston. She's trying to get out of here quick; give me everything that leaves in the next couple hours."

Tommy punched something into his phone and started scrolling. "New York, D.C., Philly... these are all filled up by now."

"Something farther away, but cheap. One way."

"Shit, uh..." Tommy thumbed uselessly at his screen.

Maria held her phone up. "I've got a one-way to Seattle. Less than a hundred bucks; leaves in less than an hour!"

...

I don't think I'd wanna live in Texas. I still like the cold. I think maybe Washington or Oregon.

"Is that anything?" Tommy asked.

Joel was already in the car.

Joel sped into the airport departures drop-off and parked with two tires on the sidewalk. A small crowd dispersed as he sprinted through the automatic doors and past the ticketing counters. His blood felt like ice as he shot up the escalator and nearly tripped over himself stopping at the departures screens. It was almost 5:30. There was a single flight running to Seattle; Gate B23, departing at 5:45. It had probably already boarded. Joel squeezed past a small army getting through security, and flashed his badge to a very strict looking TSA agent.

"Ma'am, this is a police emergency." He moved to rush through the metal detector, but was met with a resistant hand.

"I'm still going to have to pat you down, sir. If there's an emergency, I can radio to—"

"I don't have time for this." Joel muscled past the woman and raced through a group of confused looking agents. One of them shouted something that he didn't quite make out. He bounded past the outlets and gift shops and squeezed a hand over his chest. He could physically feel his blood pressure rising with every passing minute. He spotted a directional sign along the ceiling and adjusted course for the B gates.

Coming up on the terminal, he slowed his pace and scanned the huge room. The light of early morning was beginning to pour through the massive floor-to-ceiling windows, illuminating the hundreds of unfamiliar faces with a soft orange.

B17, B18, B19...

Joel came up on Gate B23 and stopped in his tracks.

The waiting space was empty. The door was shut. The plane was gone, pulling off the runway and into the air as he stared on in abject horror. The clock read 5:51 am.

He didn't even hear the approaching footsteps before airport security had him tackled and pinned to the ground. He hardly felt the scar on his nose splitting as his face made fast contact with the cold tile.

Joel was cuffed, and detained, and interrogated. They stuck a little white band-aid over his nose and verified his identity with the station. A call was made to the police captain, Maria, who corroborated that he was tending to an urgent missing person's case, and advised that he be released immediately. He was uncuffed, and shoved into the sitting room to await processing.

The room was dull, and small, and gray. Along the far wall sat a row of uncomfortable looking metal chairs; all empty, except for one little girl in a Mortal Kombat sweatshirt.

Joel wiped his eyes and prayed it wasn't just the concussion. He stepped forward as a set of shiny green eyes rose to meet him.

"Joel?"

He dropped to a kneel in front of her and let his hands find her shoulders. She stared back at him like he'd materialized in front of her. "What are you doing here?" he asked. His voice sounded light and dreamy.

Ellie choked on her words, looking shocked. "I... left my gun in my backpack. You can't—" She swallowed a lump in her throat. "You can't get on a plane with a gun."

"No." He laughed, despite himself. "No, you can't."

"What are you doing here? What happened to your nose?"

He blinked and squeezed the girl's biceps, double checking that she was real. "I got... tackled."

The slightest smile played at her lips. Joel felt his heartbeat finally begin to settle. He felt his muscles ease and his breath slow, and he moved his hands off of Ellie's arms. He grazed up past her shoulders and over her neck; settling his thumbs in front of her ears. His fingers wrapped back into the hair at the base of her skull. He held her gently, running a thumb over her cheek where it caught a stray tear.

"I'm so sorry, kiddo."

Her hands came up to grab at his wrists, but she didn't pull him away. She leaned into his touch and gasped to find that he, too, was real. "You left me," she breathed.

"I know."

"You called me stupid," she said, her composure quickly dissolving. "You said I'm gonna get myself killed."

Her tears pooled across his palms. "I know I did."

Her gaze fell from his nose to his beard, then up around his cheeks, and finally on to his eyes. "That's the worst thing anyone's ever said to me."

"I know, Ellie." He watched her try not to cry, as it dawned on him. "I feel worse about all that than you'll ever know. But guilt is a thousand times better than not knowing you're safe."

She shut her eyes, twisting her features in a desperate final attempt to keep from breaking down.

"I'll feel sorry for the rest of my life. As long as you're safe, that's all there is."

"I—" She hiccuped, suppressing a sob. "I trusted you." Her eyes fell open and suddenly she looked so grown up again. "I let you in. I told you everything and you threw it in my face." She clutched his arms like she was afraid he'd pull away. "What the fuck, Joel?"

"You can hate me forever, and that'll be fine," he answered. "As long as I know you're okay."

She took a shaky breath. "I am okay."

Music to his ears. "What do you say we're done with this city, kiddo?"

"What?"

"Seattle, or some small town, or anywhere else you wanna go... let's be done with Boston."

Ellie was starting to look overwhelmed, shaking her head almost in disbelief. "I'm so mad at you."

"You should be mad at me," he contended. "Let's get out of here, and you can tell me all about it. Scream at me if you want to."

"I can't."

"You can." He let go of her face and laid his hands over hers. "I never should have left you. I won't ever make that mistake again." He squeezed her palms, keeping her present and listening. "I swear."

She scanned his face again. Joel wasn't sure what she was looking for, but it looked like she found it. "Okay."

He smiled. "Okay, then." He rose to his feet and extended a hand. "Shake on it."

Ellie regarded his hand for a second, then launched out of her seat, wrapping him in a crushing hug. Despite the strength of the little girl constricting his ribcage, Joel felt like he was taking his first full breath in years.

Airport security was pleased to learn that they had not impeded Officer Miller's investigation, and had in fact located his missing person for him. Joel offered his thanks and his apologies to the TSA desk clerk, who looked very concerned as the confiscated firearm was placed into Ellie's backpack and handed to her.

On their way out, Joel discovered that his very illegally-parked car had been towed, and was embarrassed when Ellie pointed out the distinct tire marks running along the curb. The morning was cloudy and cold, and Ellie tucked herself close under Joel's arm as they awaited their ride.

Maria's tires squealed as she pulled to a stop, and her and Tommy were out of the car in a flash. They looked almost as relieved as Joel had been to see Ellie alive. They gathered on the sidewalk and caught their breath as Joel recounted the events of the morning and ushered everyone out of the cold and back into the car.

"I'm freezing my ass off," Ellie added. She slumped into the back seat and looked like she might pass out on the spot. An adrenaline drain like that could really wipe a little body.

When they got back to Tommy and Maria's, Joel called impound and arranged to pick his car up while Ellie apologized for disappearing. Tommy smiled pretty smugly when Joel announced that he and Ellie would be stickin' together after all, and Maria boiled another pot of Christmas tea.

"It ain't coffee," said Joel, taking another sip. "But it is pretty damn good."

"And a lot better for your heart," Maria added. "You'd be better off with no caffeine, though."

"Save it." Joel emptied his mug in a gulp and wiped his mustache. "Which one of us is gonna tell Tess she needs a new partner?"

Maria cocked her head. "What, are you quitting?"

He snorted. "Try moving."

Tommy sat up in his seat. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Reckon we're gonna scoot on out of here pretty soon."

"Where?" Tommy asked.

He rubbed his beard. "Don't rightly know yet. Figure just about anywhere's hiring for construction."

Maria almost smiled, incredulous. "You're really serious, aren't you?"

Joel clicked his tongue.

Tommy just about shot out of his seat. "That all seems a little sudden. Why don't you at least take a couple of days to—"

Joel raised a quieting hand and leaned back in his chair. "We're gonna stick it out through the holidays," he turned to Ellie, "if that's alright with you..."

She nodded, looking a bit shy about the whole thing.

"...That'll give me time to get my affairs in order, and figure out where we're off to. And then I'm adios, little brother."

Tommy chewed his cheek. "So long as y'all are here for Christmas, I guess."

When Joel got into the office the next morning, Tess was already sitting on his desk flipping through folders, hunched over in the way that meant she was trying hard to stay focused.

"You're up early," he quipped.

She gave him a curious look and stood up. "Maria didn't seem too keen on reassignment last week. What kinda magic did you work, Texas?" She brought her arms up as she stepped closer and hung them on his shoulders, clasping her hands behind his neck.

"Actually, you can thank Ellie for that," he said, landing his own hands on her waist like a middle school dance. He inched closer, swaying delicately from side to side as their shoes touched.

Tess smiled suspiciously. "You're in a good mood."

He sucked his teeth. "S'pose I've been worse."

She brought a hand around to his face, brushing a finger over his band-aid. "How'd you bust your nose?" she asked.

"Kissin' too hard," he joked.

She chuckled. "I think I would've heard about that."

He pulled her closer. "I reckon you would have." He pressed his lips against hers for the first time in months; but it was always familiar.

She was grinning when she pulled away. "If you're trying to invite me over, you can always just ask."

Joel sighed, and took a parting step back. "Speaking of Ellie, actually..."

Tess cocked an eyebrow.

"I've got news," he said. "I'm moving after Christmas."

She shrugged, urging him to continue.

"I'm taking the kid out of Boston. Not sure where yet, but probably pretty far."

Her expression fell. "What kinda trouble are you in, Joel?"

"The worst kind," he replied, and reached into his back pocket. "Picked these up on my way in this morning." He produced a folded up stack of papers and handed it to his partner.

She flattened them out in her hands and read aloud. "Declaration of Guardianship." Her eyes fell to the bottom of the page, where he had already signed. "I'll be goddamned, Texas." 

He was going to have to ask Ellie to sign it later that afternoon, and was bit embarrassed about how nervous he felt. He hoped she wouldn't look too closely at the fine print and spot the many instances of the words parent and parentage, but didn't think she'd be opposed anyhow. The formality of it all was gonna stress the girl out, but it'd be hard to move her across the country without jumping through some hoops. Otherwise, what he was doing might legally qualify as kidnapping.

"The girl finally talked some sense into you?" Tess asked, nudging him on the shoulder.

He snorted. "Yeah, she did."

"Well," she folded the papers back up and set them in his hand, "I'm gonna hate to see you go. But you know I love to watch you walk away." She leaned forward and gave Joel's butt a quick pinch.

"Easy," he warned. "I'll be around in the mean time. And I do believe we've got a fresh case to get moving on."

Tess rolled her eyes and marched back to the desk, where a mess of files awaited them. "Just wait until you see this thing."

When Joel got home, Ellie was watching an episode of The Twilight Zone that she'd already seen, and stuffing her face full of microwave Salisbury steak.

"Guess you're not hungry, then," he said, hanging his coat on the rack.

She shook her head and wiped a bit of gravy from her lip. "I could totally eat."

Joel fell on to the other side of the couch and stretched his legs. "Hope you're enjoying doing nothing all day," he remarked, "because wherever we end up is gonna have a high school."

"Oh please," she scoffed. "I'm like the king of school. I had almost straight A's all through junior high, when me and Riley couldn't even afford textbooks."

Joel raised an eyebrow. "You and who?"

She scratched her nose, definitely attempting to act casual. "Riley. She was my bunkmate at the group home." She tapped a nervous rhythm on her knees. "She was almost 16; about to age out. We decided to run away together the night before her birthday, and she got shot getting mugged. I never went back."

Joel hummed, and rested his hand on her knee. "I'm sorry to hear that, kiddo."

"Thanks, Joel." She looked down at the Mortal Kombat logo printed across her chest. "She gave me this shirt before she died."

"Sounds like a good friend."

Ellie made a face, and bit her lip. "Girlfriend," she whispered. "She was my girlfriend."

Joel froze as the gears in his head began to visibly turn. He squinted. "And you said she was your bunkmate?"

Ellie blushed. "Oooookay," she cringed. "Don't go asking questions you don't want answers to!"

"Naw," he drawled. "I'm just saying... sounds like some pretty smooth moves on your part."

"Yeah, well..." she shrugged, "I'm pretty smooth."

"I bet," he laughed. "So whose got movie pick tonight?"

She sat up. "Actually, I was gonna go over to Sam's for a while..." she tugged on her fingers, "if that's okay."

He smiled. "I ain't the boss of you, kiddo. Though if you're planning on staying the night anywhere, I'd appreciate you letting me know."

"Of course!" She hopped up on her feet and went to slide her shoes on. "And I'm not spending the night there. Henry's great and all, but I couldn't even sleep at Tommy's."

"Well have fun," he said. "And you can invite both of them over for dinner, any time."

"I'll try," she laughed, "but I think they're pretty scared of you." She swung her backpack on and lingered by the door. "I'll see you later, Joel."

He met her eyes and his heart fluttered. "Call me if you need anything!"

"I will!" She shut the door and disappeared.

Joel worried for her the second she was out of sight. A tiny sliver of the pain he felt the night before, when she was almost gone, lingered somewhere deep in his gut. He knew that pain would be there forever, and he knew that pain was love.

And he knew, for a fact, that carrying it around was the price he'd pay to watch her grow up; and he knew, for a fact, that it was worth it.

Chapter Text

"Your new hobby sucks dick," Ellie declared.

Joel looked up from his crude wooden duck figurine, which he'd spent most of The Empire Strikes Back refining. He'd tried his hand at whittling more than a couple times in the past, but could never keep with it. Now that he had to sit through a Star Wars movie per night though, he'd never been in more dire need of a distraction. "Language," he scolded, returning his attention to the duck.

"You're making such a mess!" she crowed. "And you're not even paying attention to the movie."

He blew a patch of wood shavings off one of the wings, and ran a thumb over his craftsmanship. "I'll vacuum, Ellie."

"No," she chided, "you'll forget and go to work in the morning, and then I'll vacuum. Again."

"That never happened."

"That did happen. And those wood shavings get stuck in the carpet!"

He shot her a tired look. "Then we'll move somewhere with tile."

Ellie stuck her tongue out. "I like carpet. I don't like wood chips in our living room."

Joel couldn't help but smile. He wasn't much for keeping dates, but he knew Ellie was coming up on a month of living with him full-time, and the kid was definitely picking up some new skills. 'Our living room' was a pretty obvious play at his heartstrings, but he couldn't deny its effectiveness. "Cute," he mocked. He set the duck and his knife on the side table and dusted his sweatpants off. "Alright, I'm watching."

"Thank you," she sang, settling back into the couch cushions. "Admittedly, you're getting really good though. I saw your turtle in the dining room; pretty classy."

"You're a menace," he replied. He shifted in his recliner and felt the crinkle of the Declaration of Guardianship, still folded up in his back pocket. He'd chickened out of bringing it up for weeks, but coming up into early December decided he didn't have much more time to wait. "Go ahead and pause the movie," he started. "Just for a sec."

Ellie shot him her signature stink eye and reached for the remote. "What is it this time?"

Joel rubbed the back of his neck and wished he'd taken a minute to prepare. "Just wanted to... go over some things before we get too close to moving."

She grimaced a bit at his awkward delivery. "What kind of things?" she asked, pulling her feet up on to the cushion in front of her.

"Well," he drawled, "I'm just wonderin' if you already know that your living situation ain't strictly legal."

She shrugged. "You're the cop."

He scratched his chin. "Right, but if I'm gonna be moving you over state lines there's gonna be some bureaucracy involved."

"What, like the board game?"

"That's Monopoly," he chuckled. "I'm talking about paperwork. Legalities."

"Okay..."

"I've done a little research, and it seems like the quickest way to do this thing..." Joel took a breath and patted his thighs. "I'm probably gonna be required to take foster parent training."

Ellie chewed her cheek.

"And then we're gonna have to turn you in to Child Protective Services, and from there you can be officially put in my care."

"In your care?" she squirmed.

Joel sighed. "Adoption." The word felt so taboo. "I'm talking about adoption."

She tugged on her fingers and craned her neck to the ceiling, looking suddenly a bit ill. "Do we have to? Can't you just kidnap me or something?"

"I don't think so," he said. "The state's a little picky about teenage girls living with old men; thank god. There are gonna be a couple hoops to jump through first."

Ellie groaned and sunk into the couch a bit. "You don't feel kind of weird about it though?" She looked more than a little embarrassed.

He considered it, and clicked his tongue. "I don't know what I'm feeling."

"Wouldn't that make you, like, my dad? Technically speaking?" She wiped her bangs from her forehead. "I kinda like just being Ellie and Joel."

He smiled. Ellie and Joel. "It's just paperwork, kiddo; doesn't change nothing."

She scratched her nose. "And we'd be like... stuck together then, right?"

"We would."

She exhaled through her nose and looked down at her feet. "Do I have to have your dumb last name?"

"No, you can keep yours," he snorted

Her eyes came up, finally, to meet his. "Could be cool, though," she offered. "If I did take it, I mean."

He nodded. "What's mine is yours." He reached into his back pocket and pulled out the crinkled set of papers. "When that's all sorted out," he said, tossing them to her, "it'll be up to you. I already signed."

She unfolded the papers and made a crooked smile. "You got a pen?"

"It'll be at least a couple weeks before you have to worry about it."

She hopped up on her feet and disappeared into the kitchen. By the sound of it she was rooting through the junk drawer, probably leaving a mess. She came back with a cheap-looking ballpoint pen and sat back down. "Why wait? I won't change my mind." She scribbled her signature down on the line and crawled across the couch to hand the papers back to Joel.

He admired the ink on the page. Ellie Miller.

"I still feel pretty awkward about this whole thing," she noted, "but whatever. I'm sure it'll feel normal after it's done."

"Reckon you're right," he hummed, setting the declaration down on the side table. He rubbed at his forehead. "And now I've gotta take a fuckin' foster course."

"Ha ha," Ellie teased, crashing back into her pillow and resuming the movie.

Joel blew through his online training over a few weekends while Ellie spent her afternoons at the library researching states. She'd come home at night with a fresh encyclopedia to pour through, constantly poking her head up to relay an interesting fact.

"Did you know the television was invented in Idaho?" she'd ask.

"I did not," he'd respond, clicking through another slideshow.

"Looks pretty green."

"Anywhere you want, kiddo. Just say the word."

On some level, Joel could see the absurdity of moving across the country on the whim of a child he met a month ago. In truth though, he didn't pay it much mind. He didn't care about Boston, or being a cop, or looking absurd; he cared about Ellie. So from where he was standing, it made plenty of sense. He would miss his brother and Maria, and his little apartment, and Tess; but it wasn't even a tough call. If Ellie was sick of Boston, they were done with Boston.

Now and again the rashness of it all would catch up to him, but then Ellie would see a cool-looking city in a movie, or find a travel brochure at the gas station and her face would light up like a firework. "We could totally live there!" she'd realize, and suddenly he was wondering how he'd ever felt anything but excited.

When it came time to clue Child Protective Services into Ellie's existence and formally begin the adoption process, Joel found himself reminded of the tedium that is local government. His previous parenting experience and reputation as a police officer made for an easy background check, and his direct involvement in Ellie's rescue during the David case definitely didn't hurt. After a couple weeks of reviews and referrals, a judge ruled him fit for guardianship and shoved him off to the courthouse to be processed. 

He sat on a low metal bench in a long ugly hallway and waited for his name to be called, while Ellie went to get a celebratory tuna sandwich from the fancy vending machine. When she got back she was already halfway through it, and looking antsy.

"You look funny in a suit," she said through a mouth full of tuna. "Don't know if I already mentioned that."

Joel was wearing a button up shirt and a dark blazer with slacks to match. Not even a tie. "You did, and you have to dress up for court," he informed. "You're lucky I ain't in charge of you for another couple minutes or I would've made you change."

Ellie wore an oversized black t-shirt and skinny jeans, and had her coat tied around her waist. She chuckled and took another bite of her sandwich. "You're not really gonna switch up on me like that though, right?"

He shook his head. "I'll keep you fed and in school. The rest is on you."

"Keep your voice down," she grinned. "That's bad parent talk."

"Miller!" came a voice down the hall, "Mr. Miller!". Joel rose and marched to the counter, Ellie in tow. The woman behind the glass adjusted her glasses and squinted at her computer screen. "Looks like you're just about good to go," she said. "Have you already filled out a Declaration of Guardianship?"

He reached into his jacket pocket and slid the papers under the glass, only now realizing how folded and wrinkled they'd gotten.

The woman flipped through and made a face, then looked up at Ellie. "Is this the lucky orphan?" she asked.

Ellie snorted. "Yes, I'm the lucky orphan."

"Did you have your name changed, sweetheart?"

"Uhhhhh—"

"Not yet," Joel interjected, "Figured we would get this all sorted first."

"Well," the woman began, "she signed Miller, which makes this an inaccurate signature as of now."

"Well," Ellie countered, "maybe I just have really bad handwriting and that's supposed to say Williams."

The woman regarded her coldly, then sighed through her nose. "I'll take it." She typed something into her computer and slid their papers through a photo-copier. "Here you are. We keep the copy on file, but you can have the original." She straightened her posture and forced a semi-pleasant expression. "Congratulations to the new family. Have a wonderful day."

On the way out, Ellie threw a couple thousand excited punches into Joel's arm and hopped down the courthouse steps like a bird. "Pretty cool!" she announced. "I am no longer just a captive minor you keep in your apartment!" She giggled as Joel glanced around to make sure no one overheard.

"I'm glad you're excited, because we have a long week of packing ahead of us."

"A long week of packing and Christmas!" she corrected. "Come on! Get a little gassed up with me!"

"I'm plenty excited, kiddo. Rest assured." He reached out and ruffled her hair, exactly the way she hated. "The holidays are always stressful. You'll see."

Joel and Ellie spent the next few days fighting like cats and dogs. She makes a snide remark, he loses his temper; he says she's packing wrong, she tells him to go fuck himself. It was like clockwork. Joel couldn't wait until she had her own bedroom with a door to slam when they got into it like that. The rest of his time was spent tying up loose ends in Boston: resigning from the police force, notifying the apartment manager, and whatever it was he had going on with Tess.

"I'm gonna be back late tonight," he told Ellie. He was going out for what would be his last dinner with his partner before hitting the road. "There's food in the fridge, and I left some money on the counter if you want to order somethin'."

"I'll be okay on my own here," she assured. "It's cool if you wanna like... spend the night. With Tess, I mean."

He hoped his face wasn't too red. "Don't stay up too late!" he called, practically running out the door.

One night, hunched over the computer in her pajamas, Ellie finally decided. A little town in Wyoming, called Jackson. "It's small, but not too small," she informed. "It gets hot summers, and snow in the winter. It's right by a big lake and looks very very cute."

Joel squinted at the screen as she scrolled through photos. "It looks nice, Ellie, but..." he scratched his chin. "You really wanna live in Wyoming?"

"Yeah!" she cried. "It's different than Boston; that's the main thing. And I thought you'd be into the whole cowboy look." She stopped over a photo of the whole town, taken from up on top of a lush green hillside. The sky was bright and orange over the dark mountains, and Joel could almost smell the fresh air.

"You really like this place?" he asked.

She nodded violently. "I've got a good feeling."

"Alright." He straightened his back and patted her on the shoulder. "Go on and find us a house."

She got to searching while Joel emailed his resume around town and picked up a couple interviews for construction jobs. They settled on a small two-bedroom rental with a big backyard, and in walking distance from the high school.

"You just don't wanna have to drive me," she accused.

"At 7 in the morning?" Joel clicked his tongue. "Not a chance."

It was Christmas Eve when the movers strapped the last of the boxes to a truck bed and shipped off. "You 'bout ready for dinner, kiddo?" Joel pulled his coat on and admired the empty apartment, feeling just a little bit sad. He'd arranged to drop his key off on the way out, and spend the night at Tommy and Maria's before catching their plane early Christmas morning. It'd be the last time he ever saw the place

"Ready as I'll ever be," she answered. "You feeling sad?"

He shrugged. "A little."

"Yeah." She rocked on her heels and looked down at the carpet. "Bye, soda stain."

He laughed. "Bye, soda stain."

The snow came down particularly hard on the way to Tommy's, the windshield wipers whirring to keep up. The heater was practically sputtering. "Hey, Joel," Ellie said from the passenger seat, wrapped up tight in the car blanket she insisted on keeping.

"Yeah?" He glanced over to see her staring off into the gray sky, the way she did when she was thinking too hard.

"Do you think you get more introspective during winter?"

He scoffed. "Introspective, huh?" He rubbed his chin. "Maybe. Tend to sit around inside more when it's cold out; could be it."

She hummed, tapping a little rhythm against the window. She was such a mystery sometimes.

"What's on your mind?" he asked, trying to sound soft.

She took a breath and shifted in her seat. "You don't care that I like girls, right?"

He shook his head. "It's a relief as far as I'm concerned." With high school just on the horizon, not worrying about boys would actually be a big weight off his shoulders. "Sorry if that ain't the right thing to say, but you know how teenage boys can be."

"Yeah," she snorted, then scratched at her eyebrow. "Actually, I guess I don't really know. I don't know any teenage boys."

"Well, put it this way." He ran a hand through his hair. "I was right out of high school when Erin got pregnant... Sarah's mom." He wondered for a second how long it'd been since he said her name out loud. "You do know where babies come from, right?"

"Yes," she giggled. "The stork, duh." She pulled the blanket up over her shoulders and smiled to herself. "Is she the one you used to be married to?"

"For about a minute, yeah." He almost chuckled at the thought. "We'd only been together a year or so, but her parents wanted us married before Sarah was born. We just went to the courthouse and had it officiated; no wedding or nothing."

"Aw," Ellie cooed. "Like you and me."

Joel made a face. "Not the same thing."

"Tell that to my new last name!"

Chapter Text

Joel was lucky to snag a parking spot just outside Tommy and Maria's building. With the snow piling on the way it was, he wasn't sure he could've made it more than a block on foot. His ears and nose were pink just by the time he made it to the sidewalk.

Ellie stepped out into the gutter and shivered when her canvas sneakers immediately soaked through. "It is fucking cold."

Joel led her into the lobby and patted her on the shoulder. "You reckon you're gonna ease up on the swearing some day?"

"Umm..." She squinted in thought. "Go fuck yourself?" She grinned like a kid and tried briefly not to laugh at her own comment. She was radiating joy like Joel had never seen.

"Loud and clear."

"You think they have hot cocoa?" she asked, starting up the stairs with a cartoonish skip in her step.

"I wouldn't be surprised," he smiled.

She stopped about a flight ahead to let him catch up. "You know Maria's gonna make you drink that tea when you ask for coffee."

"Yep," he snorted, "the things we do for family."

"I guess." Ellie jogged up the remaining stairs and yawned when she got to the top. Her hugely oversized sweater, depicting a cartoon cat tangled up in Christmas lights, was still dusted with melting snow. Her hair too was speckled white and noticeably damp. "My ears feel like they're gonna freeze off!"

"It won't be any warmer in Jackson," Joel replied, still shaking the chill off his hands. "Think about investing in some earmuffs."

"Bah humbug," she declared, and spun on her heel. She bounced down the hallway and pounded on Tommy's door like a landlord. "Merry Christmas!" she cried.

"You are just full of energy today, huh?" Joel caught up and dusted his coat off, then ran a hand over his beard. "No more caffeine today."

"Eh." She shrugged. "I'm actually kinda sleepy. But like that just-barely-sleepy where it's kinda relaxing and cozy." She scratched at her nose and sneezed. "That's what winter's all about, man."

Joel threw an arm around her shoulder and gave her a squeeze; about the maximum level of physical affection either of them were routinely comfortable with. "Merry Christmas, kiddo."

"Awww," she crooned, probably mocking, "you're being sweet today."

The door swung open and Tommy stood before them, already in his pajamas. His hair was pulled back into a little pony tail at the base of his head. "I'm glad somebody's feeling the holiday spirit," he grinned, nodding at Ellie. "Maybe a little loud for the hallway, though. Come on inside." The sweet cinnamon-y scent of the apartment poured out from behind him and Ellie's eyes rolled back into her head.

"You don't have to tell me twice!" She grabbed Joel by the sleeve and tugged him along past Tommy to the kitchen.

Maria, also in pajamas, was sliding a pair of oven mitts on and humming along to some old country tune coming from the living room. "Hey kid," she greeted. "Joel." She pulled the oven open and carefully pulled out a huge metal baking pan that was sizzling like a campfire.

"Howdy," Joel returned. "Need a hand with anything?"

Maria set the pan on the stove and wiped the heat from her forehead. "No thank you, though that's very gentlemanly of you."

"Don't sound so surprised."

Ellie sniffed the air like a bloodhound and nearly gasped. "That smells extremely good."

Maria donned a proud face and set her mitts on the counter. "Doesn't it?" she asked. "That is the smell of Stove Top Stuffing, young lady. You ever had it?"

She shook her head. "Never."

"Poor thing," Maria pouted. "What's the old man been feeding you?"

Joel clicked his tongue as he peeled his coat off. "Mostly bugs and dust bunnies," he said. "That sorta thing."

"He makes me drink those rancid fucking yogurt drinks," Ellie piped in. "I think he poisons them."

"You ever get sick of whining?" he teased. "Them probiotics are supposed to be good for people who are malnourished. You gain a little more weight and I'll let you off the hook."

"You see?" she sighed, looking to Maria. "He's not even nearly as grumpy and aloof anymore. He got all nice and thoughtful and lost his cool detective vibe." She squeaked when a familiar fist glanced off her shoulder. "Also he hits me!"

Maria chuckled and poured herself a mug of tea from a tall pitcher on the counter. "I don't know, Ellie. I think nice and thoughtful looks kinda good on him."

Tommy landed a hand on his brother's shoulder as he came into view. "Y'all better not be flirting in here."

"Wouldn't dream of it, little brother," Joel scoffed. "Not that with awful wife of yours."

Tommy chuckled. "That's what I like to hear."

Ellie inhaled two plates of Stove Top Stuffing like a freckled vacuum cleaner. "This stuff is good," she declared.

"Why don't you slow down a hair," Joel chided. "It's even better when you stop to taste it."

Maria swatted him on the shoulder. "Leave the kid alone," she said. "And here I was worrying I made too much."

Ellie hiccuped. "Why are you guys wearing pajamas? It's like 7 o'clock." She took a swig from her soda and chewed on an ice cube.

"My dad," Maria answered. "He made us all wear pajamas on Christmas Eve when I was a kid. He said it was 'important to be lazy on holidays.' It's a tradition now."

"Oh, rad," Ellie smiled.

Joel cleared his throat. "Ellie's got a similar tradition," he began. "Only, she does that every day."

She kicked him under the table and blew a raspberry. "What else am I supposed to do, get a job?" she laughed. She raised two middle fingers above her head. "Joel the Hole, always on my fucking back about something."

He chuckled and shook his head. "Why don't you watch your language around other people, kiddo?"

She scoffed. "Why don't you eat my big huge dick?"

"Christ," Tommy cringed. He set his fork down and turned to his brother. "You really let her talk like that all the time?"

He shrugged. "I don't get a vote."

"Joel doesn't let me do anything," Ellie insisted, her joyous expression starting to sour. "It's not like that."

Maria made a face. "What's it like, honey?"

Ellie's eyes moved to Joel, and he took the queue. "That's enough," he said, setting a firm hand flat on the table in front of him. "Ellie's gonna talk how she talks. S'got nothing to do with me."

"You don't think you oughta have some input?" Tommy urged, then turned to face Ellie. "We know you ain't a little girl, Ellie, but that don't mean the old man can't do a little parenting now and again."

"Tommy." Joel's voice was low and calculated, in that way that still sort of scared Ellie. She imagined that anyone he'd ever arrested probably pissed their pants. "Far as I'm concerned, this ain't a matter that needs my input," he said, and gave the girl a nod. "I'll admit... big huge dick might've been pushing it."

The smile found its way back on to Ellie's face as she nodded in return. "Thank you, Joel." She turned to a disapproving Tommy and poked him lightly with her fork. "What're you gonna do about it?"

Tommy clicked his tongue and cracked a smirk. "You're lucky you ran away last time," he said. "You'd be back on the street by now if you'd stayed with us."

Joel worried momentarily that the joke would push the wrong buttons and set her off. She feigned a gasp and clutched at her chest, then a deep giggle bubbled up out of her throat. "Oh no!" she mocked. "You mean I can't stay here and watch football and drink tea every night?"

"Hey!" Maria called, hiding her own dumb grin. "You like my tea."

Joel relaxed into his chair and turned his attention back to the food. He always marveled at the way Ellie could suck the tension out of a room with that sense of humor. At home she was more inclined to "hash it out," sometimes seeming like she enjoyed arguing, but with Tommy and Maria in the mix she was all jokes. Hopefully it wouldn't be hard for her to make friends in Jackson; it could really go either way with small towns. Either there's no kids around to be friends with, or the whole town is all buddy-buddy and you can't help but make friends. Ellie wouldn't have any trouble with the latter, probably hosting sleepovers before the first week of school was over.

Joel's heart flip-flopped a bit at the thought. Him and Ellie's pseudo-parent-child arrangement was one thing, but he'd managed to forget some of strings attached with having a kid. And a kid going in to high school was all new territory: parties, drugs, girlfriends, breakups... Joel wasn't sure his laissez-faire approach to parenting would hold up.

When he finally looked up from his plate, the others were clearing out. "You done with that?" Maria asked.

Joel handed her the plate and offered a thank you before heading into the living room to find a seat. The burdens of begrudging parenthood were best mulled over on the couch. As he settled in, Ellie came crashing down beside him making an obnoxious explosion sound.

She grabbed him hard by the shoulders and shook him like an etch-a-sketch. "You exploded!" she informed. "You got hit with a meteor and you exploded!"

He shot her his best attempt at a smile and scratched his chin. "What a shame," he managed.

Ellie's shoulders slumped a bit, and she relaxed into the couch. She glanced toward the kitchen, where Tommy and Maria were stowing the dishes. "Hey thanks for having my back before. About the cussing thing."

"'Course," Joel assured. "I do wish you'd find some other words, though."

"I know you do," she snorted. "I'm not gonna, but it's sweet that you backed me up anyway."

He gave her a well-knowing shove. "I'm always on your team."

"You're a dweeb."

And just like that; of course. Of course there'd be sleepovers with irritating teenagers, and ugly breakups, and late curfews. Of course he was gonna overstep and start a million arguments, and make her clean her room, and tell her not to say big huge dick in front of family. And of course she was gonna push back and date someone with a motorcycle, and lock her door all the time, and get a tattoo.

And of course he would show up every time. "I mean it, kiddo. You don't have to listen to a word I say, so long as you know I'm always on your team. No matter what."

She smiled, a little lopsided, and hung her head. "Yeah, I know."

"Are we ready for presents?" Tommy beamed as he moseyed on over, not doing well to hide his excitement. He set a mug of Christmas tea down in front of each of them at the coffee table. "Maria!" he called. "Get in here! We're doing presents!"

Ellie cocked her head. "I thought we do gifts tomorrow morning."

"Well, seeing as I've gotta drive y'all to the airport at 5 o'clock in the morning, I figure we won't have a lot of time."

"Fair," Ellie agreed. "Let's get to it then; I wanna give you yours first!" Ellie zipped over to her backpack and pulled out something particularly unexpected. A little stuffed giraffe toy, adorned with a red gift ribbon. She tossed it to Maria as she came back into the room. "I named it Giraffey, but you can totally change it if you want."

Maria couldn't quite keep the bewilderment off her face. "This is real sweet, Ellie," she started, "but what about this made you think of us?"

Ellie frowned, like it was obvious. "For when you guys get a kid!" she clarified.

Maria looked stunned, and then very suddenly like she might cry. Her eyes were wide and shiny like she'd just seen a puppy and a kitten make friends.

"That can be like it's first toy. Tell 'em Aunt Ellie picked it out."

Maria leaned into her husband and squeezed his arm. "Giraffey," she repeated. Her mouth settled into a shaky sort of smile.

Tommy took the toy in his hands and looked about as happy as ever. "This is mighty kind, Ellie, but I reckon that'll make you a cousin, not an aunt."

"Always with the technicalities!" she laughed and turned to Joel, who was looking more proud than he typically let himself.

"Wow," Maria said. "You are something else, kiddo. And we're happy to have you in the family: aunt, or niece, or cousin, or whatever you want to be called."

Ellie brushed the hair out of her face and blushed. "Alright, alright, alright! Let's keep 'er going, who's next?"

Joel grunted and reached into his coat pocket, pulling forth four little slips of paper. "Why don't you take a look at these, little brother?"

Tommy accepted, and lifted one of the slips in front of his face. "Patriots tickets," he read, "for January."

"That's a promise," Joel informed. "We'll be back here next month to pick up the car, and the four of us'll go on out and see some real football."

"You gonna paint your face?" Maria teased, giving her husband a pat on the cheek.

"I'm gonna paint all our faces," he sneered.

Maria shook her head and tucked the tickets into her pocket. "That's really thoughtful, Joel, I can't wait."

"Merry Christmas," he replied.

Tommy patted his legs and started down the hall. "Guess it's our turn!" he called, disappearing into the bedroom. He returned with a big white binder and a little black cylinder. He handed the binder to Ellie. "Take a look."

She opened it up to find page after page of what looked like recipes. All typed out and printed, and all laminated. It was a homemade cookbook.

"Some of those are from our mom, but most of it's all me. Figured the way you went after that chicken-fried steak you might be interested in the rest of the Miller classics. Try and get Joel to make you some of them, but he ain't shit in the kitchen. You'll probably have to figure it out for yourself, but go ahead and call me if you need any help."

"Oh my god," she whispered, "there's like a million pages in here."

"And I betcha they don't have food that good in Wyoming. Don't lose that now." Tommy put his hands on his hips and clicked his tongue. "Go ahead and flip to the back."

Ellie opened to the last page and read aloud. "My wife won't go with me to the nude beach." She paused, and the room was silent for a moment. "She's just clothes-minded!" Her jaw dropped as her eyes scanned over about a hundred more puns, all of them just as bad.

"Maria and I came up with a lot of them," Tommy said. "Some of the guys at my office contributed too."

"The folks at the station threw a few in," Maria added. "I think Tess wrote one."

Joel pointed to a line near the bottom of the page. "That one was me."

"What did the astronaut read in space?" she read. She looked up at the faces around the room, waiting for someone to guess. "A comet book!" she cheered. "Holy fuck that's such a good one!" She punched Joel in the arm and bounced on her heels. "This is so so cool, you guys."

"We're glad to hear it," Tommy grinned. "You're up, old man." He handed Joel the little black cylinder; a dark leather wrap clasped shut by a silver buckle. Joel popped it open and unrolled it to reveal a 12-piece set of wood carving tools made from expensive looking polished steel. "Look real close," Tommy said.

Joel pulled one from its slot and held it up. JM was engraved into the dark wooden hilt.

"Ellie mentioned you'd been whittling again. Figured you might stick with it, given the right supplies."

Joel slipped the tiny knife back into place and rolled the wrap back up. He whistled and pulled his brother into a tight hug, and then Maria. "This is really something, y'all. Almost too nice."

"Please," Maria scoffed. "It's nothing."

He rubbed a hand over his beard and looked to Ellie. "You ready for yours, kiddo?"

She cocked an eyebrow. "I thought that breakfast burrito this morning was my gift."

"Not quite," he chuckled, and turned to his brother. "Where'd you stash it?"

Tommy gave a knowing smile and pointed down the hall. "Spare bedroom, right on the bed."

Joel began down the hallway and gestured for Ellie to follow. She felt a little anxious, tugging at her fingers while she walked. "Is it... a dinosaur?" When she stepped into the guest room, Joel was already sitting on the bed and pulling something up on to his lap. It was big and wooden and shiny and produced a faint hum when he set it down on his leg.

"Some folks call this thing a 'gee-tar.'" He ran his thumb over the strings and it made a beautiful sound. He grunted and shifted his hands, then played it again: a different chord, just as perfect. "It ain't gonna fit in your carry-on," he said. "We'll come back for it when we get the car."

Ellie stood in the doorway, gawking. "Um... I don't know how to play guitar."

Joel snorted. "That's why I'm gonna teach you."

"Since when do you know how to play guitar?"

He ran a hand up the neck, stopping over a detailed white symbol near the end of the fretboard. A decal of a moth. "Since a long time ago," he said. "You've always got them headphones on. Figured you might want to play a little music."

"Wow." Her eyes were big as dinner plates. "Guess I'm gonna learn a lot of John Denver songs, huh?"

Joel smiled from ear to ear. "I don't know any Fiona Apple," he laughed, "but there's always YouTube... once you get your fundamentals down." He held the guitar out in front of him and Ellie reached out to receive it, more gentle than he had ever seen her.

She took a deep breath through her nose as she scanned the instrument in her hands. "You're really doing all this?"

Joel cocked an eyebrow. "Beg your pardon?"

"Like..." She ran a careful finger over the strings. "Like quitting your job, and leaving Boston." She was avoiding eye contact, shifting her gaze back and forth over the guitar. "And leaving Tommy, and Tess. And... adopting me. And teaching me guitar, and putting me in school, and renting a house with two bedrooms... in Wyoming."

Joel sucked on his teeth. "Let me see that," he said, gesturing to the guitar. He took it from her and placed it beside him on the floor, then turned back to face the girl. He patted the bed next to him and she quickly sat down. "Listen," he began. "You can tell me if you're getting cold feet, kiddo. I know this whole move is sudden—"

"No," she shook her head, "it's not me. It's not like I'm leaving much behind, anyway." She paused to chew her lip. "But it kinda feels like you're ripping your whole life up for me."

Joel scratched his chin and took a breath. "Well, you know me," he said. "My mind's all made up." He threw a soft punch into Ellie's shoulder and chuckled. "You're stuck with me, girl."

She smiled shyly and laughed in return. "Okay, well..." she stood up from the bed, a little shaky. "I guess I have to give you your present now. Wait here." She darted out of the room to rummage through her backpack once more. When she returned, she was holding something behind her back and looking pale as a sheet. "So..." she squeaked. "Here you go, I guess." She brought her hands around in front of her to reveal the gift.

It was the picture of him and Sarah from the fridge, now encased in a sleek white frame.

"I stole this when I left for the airport last time. And I already apologized to Tommy about it, so you don't have to give me any shit." She handed him the photo and rocked nervously on her feet. "I got it framed so you can put it up somewhere at the new house. I just thought it shouldn't be all the way across the country from you."

Joel didn't quite hear her as he stared down at the photo in his lap. A tear rolled off his cheek and landed on his jeans. He had been an hour late to that soccer game, he remembered, coming off a morning shift at some construction site. When he looked back up, Ellie was biting her lip like a cannibal.

"Are you gonna say anything?" she practically begged.

He wiped his eyes and let the air out of his lungs. "Can I get a hug?" he asked, close to a whisper.

The tension drained out of her and she stepped forward to wrap her arms around the old man's neck. He set his chin on her shoulder and held her tight. "Thanks, Ellie."

She gave one last squeeze before pulling away. "Good hug," she applauded, finally looking something like relaxed. "Merry Christmas, big guy."

"Merry Christmas, kiddo."

The morning went quick. Joel had slept in the guest room while Ellie took the couch. The sun wasn't even up when Maria shook her awake and sat her at the dining table for breakfast. She scarfed down a couple scrambled eggs and had a sip of Joel's coffee, then they were out the door. Tommy and Maria both opted to drive them to the airport, so she took to catching a few more Z's in the backseat up against Joel's shoulder.

At drop-off, she elected to give Maria and Tommy a hug, and barely cringed during either. As they went through security, the TSA agent working the scanner seemed to recognize Joel, and she didn't seem happy about it.

"What was that about?" Ellie asked.

Joel slid his shoes back on and slung his backpack over his shoulder. "Remember I told you I got tackled?"

When they arrived at the terminal, Ellie had her face pressed up to the window as their plane pulled into its spot. "Can you believe we're going to be in that thing?" The morning outside was grey and cloudy, threatening to snow again.

"You've never flown before," he realized.

"Is it scary?" she asked.

"For some people," he replied. "I always thought it was kind of relaxing."

Ellie turned and made a face. "I hope it's scary. I hope we hit turbulence and the pilot has to nosedive the plane like a thousand feet."

"Keep your voice down."

Ellie took the window seat when they boarded, and vibrated with excitement as the plane backed on to the runway. As the sound of the engine grew beneath them, her eyes stayed glued to the window. "It sounds like a space shuttle," she said. She held on to the armrests with white knuckles as they took off, ooh-ing and ah-ing at every step.

As the plane ascended into the overcast sky and the windows began to fog, Ellie watched with bated breath. The view outside was completely obscured by white, but she never looked away. She gasped when they finally emerged over a field of endless clouds, made orange and pink by early morning sun. "Are you seeing this?" she whispered.

The intercom dinged and the seatbelt signs went off, and  a stewardess came by with the airline food cart. Ellie fished her wallet out of her backpack and pulled out a five dollar bill. "Ginger ale, please!"

The woman shook her head and looked to Joel. "We only accept credit or debit card for refreshments," she informed.

Joel already had his card in his hand. "Two ginger ales, please."

Joel's eyes wrenched open and he found himself suddenly awake. The bedroom was pitch black but for the glowing alarm clock at his bedside, and dead quiet but for the harsh ringing of his cellphone. He rolled on his side. 8:30 am... on a Saturday. Neptune was curled up by his feet, snoring like a bulldog. Joel wiped the drool on his cheek and answered the phone.

"What?" he growled.

"Morning, sunshine." It was Ellie. "I'm at McDonalds. Are you gonna want breakfast?"

Joel sighed and blinked some of the sleep away. "I don't like you taking the car without telling me."

She scoffed at that. "Would a McMuffin suffice for an apology?"

He yawned and rose to his feet. "Sausage biscuit," he corrected. "And why don't you go ahead and fill up my gas tank, since you want to be driving so bad."

"In your dreams!" she yelled, hanging up before he had a chance to respond.

He pulled on a pair of sweatpants and drew the blinds, letting in the faint light of a winter's morning. He made his way to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee, when he spotted another teenage girl, curled up on the couch watching TV. "Morning, Dina," he greeted. "When'd you sneak in last night?"

She craned her head, looking offended. "I didn't sneak in; I have a key."

Joel furrowed his brow and brushed the hair off his forehead. "That better be a joke."

She shrugged. "Take it up with Ellie."

He turned back to the counter and started the coffee machine. "I most certainly will." When the coffee was ready, he poured a mug for himself, and a mug with creamer for Dina.

"Thanks, JM," she smiled, taking the mug in her hands and holding it up to her cheek. "So warm."

Joel settled into his recliner and sipped his own mug. "You want a blanket or something?"

"No, I'm good," she assured. "I just like hot mugs. Kinda cozy."

Joel hummed in response and tried to figure out what was playing on the TV. Columbo, maybe? He heard the lock click on the front door and turned to see Ellie stumbling inside, both arms wrapped around a set of McDonalds bags. "Honey, I'm home!" She stomped over and dropped the bags off on the coffee table, stopping to ruffle Joel's hair and pinch Dina's cheek. "Who's hungry?" she asked.

"What'd you go and buy all that food for?" Joel asked, looking over what must've been $50 worth of cheap breakfast.

"Dungeons and Dragons," she responded, like it was obvious. "I should've been at Jesse's ten minutes ago, and I'm on food duty this week so everybody's waiting." She turned to Dina and poked her on the shoulder. "Are you coming? Or is it too nerdy for you?"

"You're too nerdy for me," she teased. "But yeah, I'm coming. Can I borrow a sweater?"

"Hang on," Joel interrupted. "Ellie, don't be getting home whenever you want. We've got dinner with Esther tonight."

Ellie rolled her eyes. "I'll only go if she lets you cut your stupid long hair."

Joel shook his head. "I happen to like my hair." He reached up and combed a hand through it. "S'got nothing do with her."

"He looks like a stud!" Dina agreed.

Ellie swatted her on the shoulder and made a face. "Quit hitting on my dad." She rifled through the McDonalds bag and passed Joel his sausage biscuit. "Alright, seriously, we've gotta get going."

Joel rinsed his mug in the sink as Ellie darted around the house and gathered her things. She stopped in the kitchen to give the old man a friendly punch in the ribs. "What're you gonna be up to all day?"

"Oh, you know..." he rubbed his beard and took a breath through his nose. "I'll mostly be in the garage. Gonna try and finish up that chair before it gets too cold to work out there."

"I got you that space heater," she reminded. "And I know you have an extension cord."

Ellie reached for the fridge to grab a soda for the road, and Joel's eyes landed on the moth decorating her forearm. "Y'know, I'm really coming around on that tattoo."

"Really?" she frowned. "I kinda hate it now. Reminds me of Cat."

"Well, I can like it for the both of us, then."

She smiled like a dumb kid and stuffed the ginger ale into her backpack. "See you tonight, Joel-y Moly. And I bet Esther'll be real impressed with your chair." She winked and wiggled her eyebrows. "I'm sure she's gonna put out, if you know what I mean."

Joel turned his nose up and scowled. "Why do you insist on saying stuff like that?"

"Because I like to see you squirm!" she cried, spinning on her heel and rushing out into the hall. "Dina!" she called. "Let's fucking go!"

He heard the door slam shut before he had the chance to scold her any further. The house was quiet. Joel poured the rest of the coffee into a thermos and threw on a coat to walk Neptune. A younger Ellie had spent many weeks assuring Joel that she could and would take responsibility for a dog if he got her one; and of course, he was the one circling the block and picking up shit every morning.

Such is parenting, he thought as he stopped along the sidewalk and gazed across the towering nearby mountains. The fresh air in Jackson was even better than the pictures.