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The battles of Umbara were brutal. The planet was well known for it’s difficult terrain, shrouded in complete darkness as it was, as well as the vicious flora and fauna, not to mention their highly advanced weapons. Literally everything on the planet wanted us dead the minute we stepped foot on it.
Invading their capital wouldn’t be easy, so it was quite the shock for all of us when Anakin was called back to Coruscant. We needed every help we could get, but the Chancellor himself demanded my late padawan’s presence, there was no arguing with that.
The 501st looked dejected when they were assigned to Master Krell in his stead. The besalisk Jedi was well known within the order for his harsh demeanor, but also his many achievements. Since the beginning of the war Master Krell had won countless battles, often with brute force. That was obvious enough when considering the number of casualties within his ranks, his last padawan among them.
I was intimately familiar with the brutality of war. Since my early childhood I knew that casualties were part of every battle, that no war could be fought without making sacrifices. At every possible time was I aware of the fact that my life and the lives of my men could become such sacrifices, sadly that is the nature of such conflicts.
I always wanted to believe that what we were doing was the right thing. Of course I had Satine’s voice somewhere in the back of my head, stating that violence was never the answer, that no war was just, but we were protecting so many people. That was the job of the Jedi, the reason for our existence.
Sadly it looked like Master Krell, like so many others out there, was not of the opinion that clones were people worth protecting.
I didn’t like to speak judgement on other Masters, it wasn’t my place to disrespect the ways of their teachings, every Jedi had the right to interpret the force as they saw fit. But I knew that I’d rather die than let anything like that happen to my own padawan.
Anakin was an adult nowadays, his strength in the force like a blazing sun. He could be equally destructive as protective, just as wise as childish, he had his own padawan now, led his own battalion, had a love life, even if he thought no one knew, that fool. But in my eyes, he’d never stop being the little nine-year-old recently freed slave kid, who clung to the back of my tunics when he was scared of other Masters. He would always be my child and I’d never stop protecting him, or dear little Ahsoka.
So it broke my heart when I remembered the council meeting following the death of padawan Maa’ti. He’d been only seventeen years old, a hardened warrior nonetheless, grown under the teachings of Master Krell.
The besalisk huffed when he reported that the boy was dead. He stood and watched, not deeming it appropriate to help the child. It was part of his teachings, if his apprentice wasn’t strong enough to save himself, he’d never become a good enough Jedi to be able to help anyone else. He’d died in his trials, it was an honorable death.
I could agree on that last point, Maa’ti had died an honorable death, fighting to his last breath, without the aid of his Master. But the rest of my fellow Master’s words had me gritting my teeth.
It was silently agreed upon that even though the war demanded more Jedi, this one would not receive another pupil.
In the silent confines of my head, I thought that he shouldn’t lead anyone but himself into battle, especially not the clones who had no choice but to follow his every whim. But I couldn’t say something like that, Krell was my senior by many years, he was an accomplished Master and General.
And even so, the order didn’t exactly have the capacity to let such a strong warrior go right now. In this war there was simply no time to send someone to another temple, to let them rest and meditate on their ways, on their mistakes, there was no time for breaks.
I didn’t argue with the council’s reasoning back then, but maybe I should have. On Umbara Krell showed his true colors and led us all, but especially the 501st into disaster.
In a deceptive plan the older Jedi set us up until my own men ended up gunning down Anakin’s troops and vice versa. Of course friendly fire happened from time to time, but this was…
And I wasn’t even there. If I’d been there, I would have sensed them. At least Rex’s force signature was imbedded into my memory perfectly, I would’ve known immediately… But I wasn’t there and I feared I condemned these poor men to a horrible fate they had to face in the consequences of a Jedi gone astray.
A Jedi who could’ve been stopped, because we’d known. Deep down we had all known that something wasn’t right with Master Krell on the day he came to us only with cold harsh judgement on the death of his own padawan. On the child he was supposed to protect and nurture.
It wasn’t a surprise that Krell would degrade, hurt and endanger the men under his command, it wasn’t a surprise that he ended up betraying and killing them. And that’s what hurt the worst. That this would have been evadable if the council would have just done something back then. If I would have done something back then.
In the end the remaining forces of the 212th and the 501st had to team up to take the man into custody. And then Dogma ended up killing him, which I couldn’t hold against him, really, even if revenge wasn’t the Jedi way.
Krell undoubtedly had killed countless vod’e. Dogma had every right on taking revenge, but that didn’t protect him from facing a court martial. Even if Krell was a traitor to the Republic in the end, that wouldn’t help Dogma when he’d be handed over to the Kaminoans, either dead or alive. I wasn’t even sure which would be worse.
When I was done with my own fight, when the capital city of Umbara was taken, I made my way over the battlefields towards the destroyed airbase.
The white armor of the clones stood out sharply on the dark ground and between thick and spiky vines. There were both dark blue and golden yellow markings on their helmets. I didn’t know many of the 501st’ names, but I knew enough of them to fill my heart with grief.
Cody was a silent sentry at my side, guiding us through the bush when I stared at the carnage for a little too long.
There was a gaggle of soldiers from both units at a seemingly random spot. When we stepped closer it became apparent why they were collected there. The vod’e parted for us like a sea, revealing the crumbled form of a very familiar soldier.
A golden ray running down the middle of his helmet, scores notched into the side of it, as well as a cute and carefully done drawing of Numa next to them.
The helmet was sat by his side, face bare and slack where it was cradled in the lap of the trooper always by the Lieutenant’s side. Waxer was dead and Boil was sobbing softly, two troopers by his side trying to comfort him, most of the surrounding vod’e silently sharing their grief about a beloved leader’s death.
I felt a hole open up in my middle. The force felt cold and dark when I squatted by their side. I couldn’t say a thing, my silver tongue tied down helplessly. Waxer had been by my side since the very beginning of the 212th. The clone had worn his heart on his sleeve, was empathetic and approachable, well-liked by everyone including myself.
Whenever a trooper had a problem, they’d come to him and he’d dutifully relay the information towards me or Cody. He’d been trusting and cared deeply. Little Numa was the best example for this.
My heart sank deeper, imagining the little Twi’lek girl crying over her dead friend. It was painful, so very painful to see the consequences of my own inaction.
Boil looked like a wounded animal when he met my eyes and shook his head. The message was clear. Right now he didn’t want to hear any kind words, he didn’t want comfort, he just needed to feel the pain of Waxer’s death. The loss of a loved one.
I swallowed thickly and when I felt unable to move Cody pulled me up and led me away. “I’m sorry.” I told my Commander, not really sure why I did so. Cody just held my hand until we reached the base.
I tried to search my emotions, to release them into the force as best as I could right now so I wouldn’t lose my face in front of the men. Right now the vod’e needed someone to lean on, someone to be their rock in a stormy sea, so I put on a brave face.
Smiling at the distraught troopers wasn’t hard, I just had to convey calm, the feeling that everything would be alright now that I was here to pick up the pieces. Sadly Cody let go of my hand, that helped with making me look capable, but deep down I wished I didn’t have to let go. Looking at their faces hurt so much and the force felt heavy with grief and fear and betrayal. A Jedi had betrayed them…
Krell’s body was still lying in the elevator he’d been shot in. The troops covered his enormous body with a sheet, but the dark blood staining it and the floor around the corpse ruined every image of peace. Which was fine, it wasn’t like the man deserved peace after what he’d done.
The Captain didn’t come to meet us, in his stead Fives nodded in our direction from his post at Dogma’s cell. The ARC trooper wore an unreadable expression while Dogma stared at the wall right in front of his face. It was a truly concerning view, so I stepped closer slowly, making sure to wear my best calming smile.
“Dogma.” I spoke up, standing directly in front of the ray shield separating us. It took the tattooed vod a moment to turn and actually look at me, but his eyes were empty, so very sad and hopeless. I wouldn’t be able to give him hope either, there was none, at least not for him. The least I could do was honor his sacrifice.
“I thank you for what you’ve done today. You’ve saved many lives.” I promised softly and earnestly, not looking away from his deep brown eyes for a second.
The clone simply nodded, turning back to stare at the wall and I felt my stomach turn. “I will…” I felt myself stutter a little, unsure of my words, if they’d even mean anything to the traumatized man in front of me. “I’m very sorry. I will put in a good word for you.”
“You think anyone will care?” The soldier in his cell stated flatly, knowing well enough that his fate was sealed.
“I doubt anyone will even listen.” I confirmed heavily. “But I will try even if no one wants to hear about it.”
“I will get what I deserve.” He answered with a wry smile, for a second blinking in my direction again. “Will you at least remember me?”
“I will Dogma. We all will, the entirety of the 212th battalion as well as the remaining 501st legion.” I could feel my Commander’s assent by my side, his strong spirit was always reassuring.
After the short exchange I made sure that Dogma was receiving the best possible care until the Coruscant Guard would be here to pick him up. A warm blanket for his cell and a good meal was sadly all I could offer on this cold and war-torn planet, our own supplies running low now that the battle was over.
After that meeting Fives led us through the base with grim determination. The usually outgoing soldier was subdued, the deaths of his brother’s weighing heavily on his shoulders.
He informed both Cody and I over the number of casualties. “We’ve lost good men.” He sighed softly at the end of his report. I nodded, having known a few of the clones myself.
Especially hearing about Hardcase hurt. It was probably very un-Jedi-like to admit to this, we really shouldn’t pick favorites, but Hardcase had such a nice, warm and bright force presence. It had been hard not to like him, Anakin sometimes joking that I’d steal the gunner from his troops if I could. He was dead now, like so many others.
With Fives guiding us we ended up in the temporary medbay of the seized base, where Kix was bustling around, busy with the vod’e Krell had injured during his capture. Sadly there weren’t many left from the battles before that, most of their bodies would never be recovered from Umbara. It would be hard to explain to Anakin that he’d need a lot of new men…
Kix only waved at us quickly when he noticed someone new entering the space, but for once didn’t have time to fuss over my wounds.
Not that there were many, for once I’d left the battlefield with mere scrapes, some bruises and burns. None of them mattered in the face of the trauma these men suffered in my absence.
Fives hadn’t led us here to be treated anyways, instead he passed through a few more doors until we entered a small space that at one point had probably been an office. The chair and desk were still intact and currently housed Rex, but everything else was smashed to pieces.
The clone Captain had his head buried in his arms, hidden away and curled into the desk like a small child. His fingers were holding onto the short bleached blond strands desperately, clawing at his scalp, still covered in blood.
Cody and I shared a quick glance, after I let him lead, Fives stayed by the door like a lost puppy. It was my understanding that Rex and Cody were close, had something like a mentor student relation, not unlike Anakin and myself had, so I was sure that the Commander knew what he was doing.
The both of us approached the hunched form carefully, steps louder than necessary to make sure he’d notice us, but Rex showed no outward reaction.
“Rex.” Cody called out to him when we were just out of arms reach. It wasn’t like the Captain was violent, even while taking our trashed surroundings into consideration. Clear-headed Rex wouldn’t hurt a soul, at least none that weren’t his enemy, but it was normal to expect a reaction when startling a soldier, or waking them from a nightmare for example.
Truly, it wouldn’t have been as concerning to see the blonde jumping to his feet and lashing out as it was to see him so still. The room was silent until Cody spoke up again. “Vod’ika.” Rex didn’t react, he was just sitting there like a puppet with it’s strings cut, and dear force made the puppet analogy me sick considering that the great Republic did view these poor men mere puppets. Meat droids…
For a moment I feared that he hurt himself, that Rex was actually dead already, but a quick look around revealed not a single weapon in the room. The clone in question was also stiff as a board, every muscle in his neck and hands tense. I felt myself take a deep breath, stepping closer.
It would be fine, even if I did end up startling Rex, it wasn’t like I didn’t deserve to be decked in the face right now.
Carefully I laid my palm flat on the back of his neck, feeling his hot skin and fast pulse. Rex let me do so without reacting, so I widened my mind and listened to the force. The Captain’s mind was turbulent and dark when I felt it, so I let my own force presence emanate peace.
It didn’t do much to drive the traumatized soldier out of his own mind, but I felt him twitch softly beneath my fingers when Cody called him once again, settling himself on the desk besides the younger clone.
Both of us took one of his hands, guiding them out of their death grip on his own hair. His face became visible, at least a little bit and his brown eyes were empty and dry, open, staring at the table unblinkingly, much like Dogma had been but somehow even worse.
Moving Rex felt like moving a statue, his limbs heavy and waxen, but not outright resistant. The blonde was entirely catatonic and deep down I knew he’d never be the same again after today. Something in that man died today, along with many many of his brethren that would never leave Umbara.
Cody started talking in choppy Mando’a. A story from their childhood as far as I could gather, the vod’e had unintentionally developed their own dialect of the language at one point, with many of the younger clones only learning from the older models and not actual Mandalorians. The story featured many names of other Commanders and Captains, but also some that I hadn’t heard before. CC and CT clones that never even made it to real battlefields.
But it was a happy story, one of very few if I had to guess. Still, Rex showed no outward reaction of hearing us, but I felt his presence clear a little. Rex was present and listening, eyes blinking heavily by the time Cody fell silent again.
Carefully I stepped around him, holding his blood-crusted hand instead of his neck. He met my eyes from his hunched over position, but didn’t move otherwise. At least his hands felt somewhat warmer now.
I swallowed thickly, feeling my Commander’s gaze burning the side of my head.
It was nice to know that he trusted me with the psych of one of his most precious little brothers, but it also felt like a heavy burden, the trust of so many vod’e when I continuously felt like I was failing them so brutally. Especially today…
Rex whispered something. I couldn’t understand, so I leaned closer, gently guiding him a little more upright with our linked hands. His words sent cold racing down my spine, my grip on the Captain tightening unintentionally.
“I don’t want to do this anymore.” He whispered it over and over, so I continued to pull him closer softly, giving him the chance to escape my hold should he want to, but instead Rex leaned closer on his own account, seemingly grateful for the hug I offered.
All the clones were slightly taller than me, their shoulders were broader, their backs more muscular, and still, Rex felt smaller on that day, fragile when I gathered him into my arms, letting him burry his face in my neck.
The soldier didn’t sob, but my skin felt damp where he touched me, his breaths hiccupped softly. I let him cry, cradled his neck, pat his head and sent calm and warmth through the force until he began to relax.
“It’s alright now.” I reassured. “I’ll make sure that you will never be reassigned again, the 501st is Anakin’s legion and from now on I will be the only one to command you should he ever be absent again. I am so very sorry dear Rex, I’m sorry.” I whispered to him, ignoring the burning gaze of my own Commander.
Cody remained silent for the duration of Rex’s breakdown, held his other hand in silent support. When the younger had stilled in my embrace the Commander met my eyes over his shoulder and nodded towards the door. I understood him without sharing words, a benefit of the countless battles we had already fought side by side.
Softly I guided the traumatized clone to let go and pulled him to his feet instead. He followed like in a trance, still catatonic then.
“Come on Rex, let’s get you cleaned up a little, then you should rest. I’ve got everything under control now.” I told him, voice still soft and force calm, the way I learned to speak with the little crechelings who were lost in the temple and scared.
Rex didn’t answer, but he let himself be lead through the halls and into the improvised medbay. It was still bustling with activity and I was scared the noise would upset him, but it had warm running water and the necessary equipment for treating any injuries we’d find. But Rex didn’t really react, he just accepted our ministrations.
First we washed his hands, blood embedded under his nails and in the lines of his palms. While Cody scrubbed his face and hair with a damp towel I met Fives’ gaze, who was still lingering to the side. I gave him a short nod, also trying to tell him that things would be okay.
The ARC looked a little lost, unsure how to interpret the gesture until he scurried off. In his stead Kix came by and offered his assistance quietly.
The medic helped us to get Rex out of his armor and quickly looked the Captain over. Nothing serious, the scratches and burns were treated shortly, bacta gel and a few patches to keep the wounds clean and closed, a fresh damp towel cleaning off his skin before the medic sent us on our way.
Until Dogma was picked up by the Guard the 501st had strict orders not to return to the Resolute, so they organized sleeping quarters down here in the airbase, that was our next goal.
On our way there Cody produced a ration bar from somewhere and handed it to Rex, who dutifully ate the thing. The Commander was also currently carrying all his armor, making Rex look even smaller clad only in his blacks.
When we made it to the room the 501st had chosen as their resting place we were greeted by several sleepily blinking vod’e and soft snoring. The force felt warm in here. Tired and hurt but also warm and homey. It was a good place for the Captain, he was well loved among his men, who instantly made room in their middle.
Rex hesitated a little, but with both Cody and myself leading him he settled down among his brothers. We sat with him until he fell asleep, my Commander patting his short hair in a calming gesture.
When we left the room, silently of course, not waking a single soul, we were once again greeted by Fives along with the other ARC, Echo, who apparently had taken command out of necessity.
They handed over Krell’s lightsabers as well as his comm. The weapons felt heavy in my hands, the crystals within them screaming while we were led out of the compound. A shuttle was already awaiting us, so I smiled back at two ARC Soldiers and waved before we left the planet.
Once back on the Negotiator there was no time to rest though. Firstly I had a few calls to make. The Council had to be informed of Master Krell’s fall and his plans to become Dooku’s newest apprentice. Ha, funny how that somehow always worked against me…
The circumstances of Pong Krell’s death had to be talked about with more than one authority, with the council, representatives of the senate as well as Kamino specifically, with the chancellor and of course the Coruscant Guard and the military court.
It was decided that the retrieved sabers would be sent back to the Jedi temple, but the comm would go to the chancellor’s intelligence service for further investigation of probable separatist relations.
As expected, I was quickly talked over when I tried to bring up Dogma’s rights and reasons. The threats Krell had spoken towards the vod’e as well as the Jedi. I knew that no one would want to hear about that, but it was still exceptionally painful to be unable to help the poor man in any way.
At one point I may have lost my cool a little with my fellow councilors when I fiercely argued my point that the 501st as well as the 212th of course would never be reassigned to a not personally approved General again. It was a selfish request as many of the older Master’s pointed out, unbecoming of a Jedi of my standing, but when Master Yoda spoke up in my favor it was decided. It was the only time in the entire night I spent feeling somewhat lighter. A small victory in the face of a tragedy.
When all the calls were done there was paperwork to catch up to. Cody returned to my side with a steaming cup of tea in hand as well as a ration pack. The contents were only just so recognizable as first meal, but after so many hours of emotionally draining work, as well as the actual battles we’d just fought it was good enough and helped me power through more hours of deskwork.
Even though clones were just resources in the eye of the republic their deaths still had an entire load of paperwork attached to them.
Listing them all by numbers was a painful ordeal, filing them away and requesting new ones like they were mere weapons, the same forms I had to fill for broken blasters and starfighters. It nearly had me throwing up the meal Cody had so generously offered.
The tea helped to calm me, Cody knew which kind I liked by now and he brewed it as good as was possible with the prepackaged bags the mess had to offer aboard our venator.
Together it didn’t take us too long to complete the reports, even though we had to fill them for two units today. It wasn’t like I could hand the paperwork over to Anakin along with the remains of the 501st… Oh dear, that was another call I dreaded.
I was honestly too tired to accurately assess my former padawan’s reaction when I told him of the heavy losses we faced on Umbara as well as the betrayal of Master Krell. Anakin was oddly still, nearly stone-faced when I told him of my suspicions about the besalisk Master and that didn’t change when I promised him something like that would never happen again.
It was a painful call all around, and not just because of the firm headache settling behind my eyes. It looked like the two days with no sleep were trying to catch up to me. But there was no time for rest yet.
Instead I went back down to the surface of Umbara around midday. Not that time mattered much, it was always dark on that Sith-damned planet.
I sent a comm ahead, informing the vod’e planeside, as well as the entire crew back on the Negotiator that I’d hold a ceremony in the name of the fallen, if anyone would like to attend.
We didn’t have time for burials or other forms of grieving our lost comrades often, so I used the chance when given, especially because we’d lost so many beloved this time around, shinys and veterans alike.
A truly startling number of vod’e were collected at the side of the airbase when I landed, 501st blue and 212th gold mixed together. I spotted Boil instantly, helmet firmly on his head, hiding his expression. Rex was harder to find, but I felt his presence close by.
Cody, as always, was right by my side, stance wide and firm, helmet in place and exuding confidence.
I quickly explained that it was a Jedi rite to burn our dead, that every beloved of the person marching ahead would be present and grieve, until we were able to let our negative emotions go into the force, so only the positive memories remained. When we reached this state, we left until only the Padawans and or Master of the deceased remained to see them off.
Much like the Mandalorians the Jedi didn’t believe in an ultimate death, the passed were merely marching on, once again becoming part of the force, where we all came from and would go to again when the time came.
“If any of you’d like to participate, I am going to light a pyre in the name of all the fallen of Umbara. I am deeply sorry for our losses in this battle and would like to honor the vod’e.”
Many of the clones present had decided not to wear their helmets, so murmuring could be heard among the crowd, which quickly turned into soft cheers. I smiled wryly.
Everyone helped to collect wood for the pyre. At least the dead directly surrounding the airbase had been buried, so there were no unpleasant surprises while marching through the dark forest of Umbara.
The fire was lit from several points until a massive bonfire burned in our middle, lighting the unbearable shadows at least a little. Naturally the clones began to say their remembrances, the rites of our cultures intermingled, so I joined in with my own crisp Mando’a, listing the names of my fallen comrades.
At one point, when the fire was slowly dying down and vod’e were staring to leave Rex appeared by my side and thanked me. “Oh no, not for that my dear Captain. Really, you shouldn’t thank me, I should apologize for leading you into a massacre.” I sighed softly. The Captain only stared at me with big eyes, as if he couldn’t believe what I just told him.
“I’ll leave you to it now Captain Rex, I’m afraid I have to return to my duties on the Negotiator now. Cody, you wanna join me or stay a little longer?” I asked cautiously, to which the Commander snorted. “Nah, I’m good, we can go back to work.” He confirmed, turning in unison with me, on our way back to the shuttle.
“Wait sir!” Someone called out to me and we stopped shortly. “Thank you. This… this was nice.” I remembered this vod. Jesse was a close friend of Hardcase as far as I knew and directly involved in defeating Krell. “If anything, I owe you my thanks.” I offered softly before finally leaving Umbara behind.
At that time, I didn’t know of course, but several holos of the event made their way through the inner workings of the GAR. Clones throughout the galaxy spoke their remembrances along with us.
Back on the Negotiator I felt dead on my feet and Cody quickly steered me to my quarters instead of our office. The fiend.
My pulse quickened uncomfortably at the prospect of lying in my cot, alone in the darkness, the only sounds my own breathing and the natural hum of the Negotiator. Even though I was bone tried, by now I really couldn’t count the hours anymore since I last slept, I was sure I wouldn’t be able to sleep.
The memories of the recent battle were still too vivid, Boil’s and Rex’s and Jesse’s devastated expressions burned into my mind, the force around us heavy with grief. At least I wouldn’t feel like I was eaten alive by my own guilt when I was working myself into exhaustion, at least I wouldn’t have to face Anakin’s cold burning wrath when I was writing reports and filling out paperwork.
And I wouldn’t have to meet Cody’s knowing gaze, his brown eyes deep and dark when they met mine, helmet tucked away under his arm ever since we left the planet behind.
I felt sick again, so very sick of all of this, of this war… I could understand Rex well, I too, didn’t want to do this anymore, but I couldn’t stop either, and neither could the Captain. We were all just part of a machine in this war, to simply stop participating in it wouldn’t halt the conflict, but would definitely hurt the gears attached to us.
I swallowed and nodded, once again putting on a relaxed smile. “Thank you Cody, I should rest a little.”
I should most definitely take a shower, I guessed, and meditate on my mistakes, release the negativity and grief into the force so I wouldn’t repeat them any time soon. Maybe cry a little, in the privacy of my own quarters. My hands started shaking, so I quickly pulled them up into my wide sleeves and stepped inside.
Before I could close the door though, the Commander stepped inside with me. His eyes were burning, I felt like a was shrinking, the façade of the all-knowing and powerful General stripped away by Cody’s powerful gaze.
“Sir, are you feeling alright?” He asked, voice stern as usual. Again, I smiled brightly. “Oh yes of course my dear, just tired.” I tried to reassure, but it was obvious enough by him entering my personal space without being invited in first, that the Commander saw through my façade easily. The clone was too intelligent for his own good…
“Would you like me to stay? Until you fall asleep?” He offered the same we’d done for Rex last evening, but I shook my head.
“No no, there’s no need for that. You’ve earned your own rest Commander, you must be tired too.” I tried to wave him off, but Cody quietly closed the door behind himself, guiding me bodily towards the cot without even touching me.
With a sigh I let myself sink down on it, for a moment just appreciating the soft surface, feet, legs, knees and hips aching after so many hours spent standing.
Then I took my boots of, the heavy belts and tabards. Cody was doing the same, shedding boots and armor until the both of us were sitting side by side, only in our blacks and my lightest layer of robes, not touching, not saying a thing.
It was awkward and painful and I found myself thinking that I just wanted to be alone for a second to cry goddamn it, why couldn’t I even have that?!
“Look, I’m sorry.” I said without really knowing what I was apologizing for. “But what do you want from me?” I continued, more harshly than intended, hands shaking openly without wide outer robes to hide them in.
Suddenly I felt panicked, hysterical and so far out of control that I wanted to shrink down to nothing and disappear rather than facing the knowing eyes of my Commander.
“I just want to make sure you’re alright.” Cody stated again, voice as even as ever.
I buried my face in my hands, hunched over slightly when I answered. “I’m not, okay?! But no one’s really alright after this, and it’s my fault, I’m the goddamned General here, am I not?!” I bit out, instantly regretting my sharp tongue, shaking my head softly.
“Oh Cody, it’s not your job to look after me, you can leave, you don’t have to deal with this right now. Give me a few hours and I’ll be fine.” I said, this time keeping my voice quiet and soothing.
“You’re not just my General, you know that, right Obi-Wan? You’re my friend. I know that it’s not my job, your wellbeing is not work for me. You watch out for the vod’e as best as you can, for your fellow Jedi and civilians. You take care of so many, but who takes care of you?”
At some point of his answer Cody leaned closer, sides and shoulders touching. He put his arm around my back, keeping me close, embracing me softly. Even through his blacks I felt the other man’s warmth.
The force around him was filled with concern and… love. He pulled me closer until he was completely holding me in his arms, bare hands carding through my hair, guiding me to his neck, letting me hide there, much like I’d done for Rex a little while ago.
A hysterical little laugh bubbled past my lips and continued. I didn’t know when they turned into sobs, I didn’t know when I started crying, but finally the knot in my stomach and the accompanying anxiety started to ease a little.
“It’s okay Obi-Wan. It wasn’t your fault, you’re allowed to cry. You don’t have to put on a brave face with me.” Cody’s voice was so honest, so open and raw and his skin was so warm, the calluses on his hands familiar and soothing.
Even when I stopped crying, I couldn’t let go, holding on to the Commander’s back. The force around Cody was always so steady. I tried to act like a rock in a stormy sea for the men when they needed one, like today, but Cody was a real rock, someone who didn’t pretend or put up a brave face. Cody simply was the bravest and one of the most caring men out there.
“Would… would you stay?” I asked the soldier quietly and I felt him nod in response. Cody guided us to lie down comfortably and pulled the blankets over us without letting go of me once.
I fell asleep quickly, feeling warm and loved both physically and in the force. I hadn’t expected my Commander to stay the night, after all he had offered to stay until I fell asleep, but when I woke up, he was still there.
Surprisingly I felt well rested, no nightmares, no visions of any kind. Cody was already awake, blinking down at me from his half sitting position, data-pad in hand and at work, but he hadn’t left.
The force felt so nice between the two of us. The pain of yesterday wasn’t forgotten, but muted, grief being processed and slowly let go instead of a wound festering.
Without thinking, mind still half asleep I spoke up. “Cody.” The clone in question put the pad aside, looking down at me curiously. “I love you.”
For a moment the world seemed to stop turning, it felt like even the ever-present hum of the Negotiator’s engines paused for a second. Cody just stared at me with big shocked eyes and suddenly I felt like I had just made the biggest mistake of my entire life. I ruined our friendship! Our professional relationship! He’d feel uncomfortable around me now, or worse, pressured into things he didn’t even want! Stupid, half asleep brain!!
Panicking I sat up abruptly, apologizing while scrambling to get out of the blankets, but before I could get up Cody practically tackled me back into the mattress, a clumsy and eager kiss sealing our lips together.
I felt confused but happy when we parted, Cody holding my face between his hands, staring down at me with intense eyes. “I love you too.” The Commander stated firmly.
I couldn’t help myself, so I laughed quietly, letting the other hug me close again, tangled in the blankets. It felt nice. Being warm and cared for. Being loved. It was a feeling that was dreadfully rare since the beginning of the war, but even before that, it had been a while since I really felt cherished.
Umbara would always remain a terrible memory. So many good soldiers, friends and family died there. But I felt like the 501st along with the 212th came out stronger, more unified. The recordings of the dark forest inspired many Jedi and vod’e alike, we grew closer as two separate cultures.
And in the end Umbara also made me stronger, especially because I now knew that Cody would always be there to strengthen my back, no matter what.