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Erik never intended to lie to Charles, but at this point, he worries that’s what it’s become.
It’s been a month since he was broken out of the pentagon and, since then, he’s kept a lot of secrets from him. Of course, with his nightmares, some secrets have come out. Some things it was impossible to keep from a telepath and especially when one is asleep and projecting their nightmares.
What Charles doesn’t know about though are the scars he has over his body. The old ones he knows about, but there are new scars littering his body as well. It’s almost a comfort to know a lot of the scars that Shaw left over his body have been covered over. But there’s more to it than just that.
He doesn’t know how Charles will react to knowing everything that happened to him while he was locked up. He was supposed to be in solitary, but that wasn’t always the case. The government just couldn’t stand having him in their clutches and not testing his powers, seeing what he could and couldn’t do. Strictly speaking, he wasn’t supposed to be let out aside from an occasional check-up with a doctor. He hated doctors, had since Shaw and that just solidified his fears.
If Charles finds out, Erik wonders if he’ll blame himself or feel bad. It’s something he doesn’t want to put off on him, just in case. He doesn’t want to get into another conversation about what happened and why he did what he did. Once he was in there, he realized it was where he belonged. In prison, he kept other people safe, no one was being hurt because of him and he was being punished for everything he had done to those he loved.
There’s a lot he’s trying to keep from Charles and, for the most part, he’s been able to keep them a secret. Charles hasn’t seen his body in over a decade and Erik wonders how long he can keep it that way. He might see some in his nightmares, but he won’t see the actual proof.
The longer it goes on though, the more unsure he is that he can keep this up. They share a bed at night and Erik had never been one to wear long-sleeve shirts to bed, if he wore one at all. He was never shy about his body before and now he runs into the bathroom to change clothes.
And don’t even get him started about the sex he’s been carefully trying to sidestep now that he wishes so much he wasn’t avoiding.
It’s all stacking up against him and becoming harder and harder to push aside. Charles seems to understand that it’s still the effects of his time confined to that hell that he’s suffering from and not anything to do with Charles. But how long can he stand this? How long can either of them?
That, plus the cut going across his chest that’s been there since long before he was broken out, he feels like it’s all close to coming to an end. Something is bound to break and Erik feels like there’s nothing he can do about it. When the time comes, he’ll have to just give in and let everything spill from him and hope that Charles doesn’t take anything personally.
As it turns out, they don’t last that much longer.
Charles has his arms wrapped around Erik, who is hovering over him on their bed, kissing. Both their hair is mused, faces flushed, and breathing hard when the kiss breaks. Erik looks down at Charles and smiles softly.
And then he feels it. Charles’ hand slides down his back, slipping under his shirt and he tries to pull back, tries to fight against the hold Charles has on him, but he seems just as determined.
“What is going on, Erik?” Charles asks softly, pulling the man closer, making him fall on top of Charles, his arms giving out. “Darling, I don’t know what it is, but whatever it is, you don’t need to keep it in or keep it to yourself.”
The entire time, his hand is creeping higher and it makes Erik nervous. He knows his upper back is scarred up more than it used to be. Which is saying something. Shaw enjoyed using whips and canes across his back to see if he could break out of the handcuffs and chains. The scars were deep and something that Charles had learned long ago, both that and how sensitive the scarred skin is.
Now those old scars appear faded under the pink of the fresh scars littering his back, the angry marks from the government. They wanted to know what would happen with shocking him, electricity. The power-dampening collar and then beating him with metal to see just how strong he was, how much more powerful their technology will need to be.
“Just…I…” Erik sighs out. He doesn’t want to lie to Charles. No matter what, he doesn’t want to lie to Charles. But how is he going to get out of this without lying? He can’t say it’s nothing, but he can’t tell Charles what the problem is either.
Then the hand on his back stops moving and Erik knows why immediately. He freezes, his body tensing under the touch as he hesitantly meets Charles’ eyes. Now he knows there is no going back. Slowly, he relaxes, his head going to Charles’s neck as one hand goes down to find Charles’ free hand. He brings it up to the side of his head, pressing the hand there.
“Come in. I can’t do this out loud,” Erik projects, sending his thoughts to Charles.
“Only if you’re sure, Darling. Ever only if you’re sure,” Comes Charles’ reply and it’s a relief to Erik that he’ll do this. Since the plane and Charles saying he’ll never go in his head again, Erik has been terrified of trying this. Worried that he’ll ask and be denied. He’s not sure he’d be able to survive a rejection like that.
“I’m sure.” Erik releases a breath, preparing himself to continue. “You asked what happened. Take a look for yourself. As much or as little as you want. I’ll let you see it all if you want to watch.”
Charles nods his head next to Erik’s, feeling it is the only way he knows it happens.
The next thing he knows, Charles is diving into his mind and he feels the emotions and relieves the experiences just as he has been for the last month, only this time, he’s not alone and, with Charles by his side, it’s not nearly as terrifying or daunting as it is when it’s only him in his head.
The pain hits before anything. The loneliness that he still feels anytime he’s in a room alone. Anytime there’s not some physical touch. He’s sure the feeling is going to follow him to the grave. The feeling that his life is over, he’s never going to get out, he’s been abandoned and he’s all alone.
The knowledge that he would rather be alone than be with the doctors that check on him every six months and make his life hell for hours on end, sometimes a full day of testing.
Moments flash forward, and the feeling that nothing is real and everything is fake. The moment Charles first appears over him, the words that are spat in his face.
Then his mother and her hurtful words blaming her death on him, calling him a disgrace and that he’s not the son she had, he’s changed too much and for the worse. He’s not the little boy who was so loving and caring.
His father, who would say he wished he had a worthy son, someone he could be proud of. Someone who valued who he was, and where he was from, who would carry on their family and put love above war but wouldn’t give up.
Then quicker flashes of the others, the students from the school, all the originals, the brotherhood, everyone he’s ever cared for, even a little.
The pain that Charles’ words hurt more than any other because he couldn’t be certain he wasn’t real.
The moment of impact of his head on the block wall and then waking up in the infirmary with plastic restraints and the power-dampening collar. The pain that was the days to follow. Not because of the concussion but the tests. Those were the worst as he was beaten bloody. The mental torture along with the physical before he was thrown unceremoniously back into his cell.
There were so many tests following that, testing his powers, or so they claimed as they tied him down and did as they pleased. Some just checking vitals, some beating him, some delivering small electrocutions, some almost killing him. Others were slicing through his skin, starving him to see how long he would last. There were battles where he was stripped of his powers to see if he could survive. The collar was removed and they tried various ways to see if a secondary mutation could be unlocked, each method crueler than the last.
Throughout all of it was the feeling Erik had experienced. The pain, the hurt, the loneliness, the feeling that he was getting nothing more than he deserved. He had been so convinced that after hurting Charles, being around so many that had died, and losing his family, he deserved more pain, more injury. Anything they would put him through, he would take.
All of the doctors seemed to know this and assured him that his thoughts were correct. His own mind was doing the same with the hallucinations. The version of Charles in his mind tells Erik that no matter how much pain he suffered, it would never make up for the pain that Erik had put him through and Erik believed that as well.
Charles pulls himself from Erik’s mind and a gasp leaves them both. Erik’s face is wet and so is the pillow under them and Charles’ neck. He doesn’t want to leave the little area where he’s hiding. The last thing he wants is to see Charles’s face as he tells him that his thoughts are right. He’s still not forgiven and he’s never going to be. He’s never going to make up for his past mistakes. Erik knows it’s coming and he wants to stay here for as long as he can before he’s forced to leave.
He’s just got this back, he doesn’t want to lose it again, but he knows how his life goes. There is no way Charles isn’t going to send him away and he doesn’t blame him. He probably just wanted a reason to send him away, a chance to get rid of him, and now, knowing Erik knows it’s going to happen, will be just that.
Arms tighten around him and a kiss is placed on his hair and…why isn’t Charles letting him go? Erik can’t be certain. His arms wrap around Charles, though, fearing this will be his last chance.
“Love, I would never say those things, I would never do that,” He whispers and Erik wants to say he knows that. But he can’t. He doesn’t know that, there’s no way he could. Truth is, he wants to know that, he wants to believe it, but that’s ten years of insistence that Charles does resent and hate Erik, up against the couple of months of feeling Charles’ love for him. The decade wins out and he’s left unsure and afraid.
“It’s okay,” Erik whispers instead, tilting his head to the side, just enough to see the wetness on Charles’ cheek but not enough to see his eyes.
“It’s not,” Charles whispers back. “While I can’t really take credit for what those hallucinations did and said, I can say that I love you. And I am sorry I left you there. Darling, you didn’t deserve any of that. I know this isn’t something that can be undone in one evening and it’s going to take a lot more than me just telling you this, but if you’re willing, I’d like the chance to show you that you didn’t deserve that and continue to assure you as well. For as long as it takes.”
For a moment, Erik is silent, thinking it over. There’s one question he has in his mind though, and he’s not sure what Charles’ reaction will be to his question.
“What if it takes forever?” he whispers, hesitantly.
Charles smiles softly, “Then darling, I’ll happily stay by your side forever. If it takes the rest of our lives, then it means I’ll get to spend the rest of my life with you and there is no one I would rather spend it with, no place I would rather be than by your side.”
Erik finds himself smiling as well, face pressing back against Charles’ neck so the others can feel it and know he’s smiling.
Neither of them knows how long passes before Charles slides his hand down, out of Erik’s shirt, and up into his hair instead, his fingers carding through it gently.
“Can I see?” He whispers and it only takes a second before Erik realizes what Charles is asking. After another second of hesitation before he sits up and finally meets Charles’ eyes. Both of them have been crying and it’s noticeable, the red-rimmed eyes, the tear stains down their cheeks, the redness there as well, but neither of them mentions it.
Erik takes a breath before reaching for the hem of his turtleneck and pulling it up, over his head. He moves quickly, like ripping off a bandaid. Then he moves to remove his trousers as well, underwear staying in place. All the new marks are clear on view for Charles to see. Some of them are more aggressive than others. Some pink and fading, some bright red and angry looking. Some are indented and others are raised against his skin.
Erik knows it’s not pretty to look at. He’s never cared before, but now he does. It only gets worse the more he looks at it and he’s sure Charles feels the same.
The moment those bright blue eyes reach the mark on his shoulder, he knows it, those eyes widen and Charles gasps out. That was the one he was the most worried about. It’s not completely healed and he wonders if it ever will.
“We’re going to do something about that,” Charles states, pushing himself up into a sitting position, his arms going out, a clear invitation that Erik immediately accepts, crawling into him.
“It’ll be okay for tonight,” He continues, his arms closing around Erik’s back, holding him tightly. “But tomorrow, we’ll go down to the lab. Just the two of us,” He hurriedly adds, when Erik starts to tense up. “And we’ll get it cleaned and bandaged up. I’m sure there’s something we can put on it to help it heal.”
Erik nods, resting his forehead against Charles’ for a moment, then leans in, recapturing his mouth with his own.
Now that his secrets have been aired out and Charles is willing to go into his head again, there’s something he’s been dying to do.