Work Text:
“Welcome.”
Beau’s breath hitches as she hears it being spoken aloud toward a random visitor to the archive. She does her best not to make it noticeable as she goes back to her research.
Gods, she’s getting so fucking tired of that fucking word. She wishes that she could permanently erase that word from the global lexicon forever.
She has never been the same. Not since that fateful godsdamned night in Eiselcross.
That night when she and Caleb had gotten too damn curious for their own good and let themselves fall right into Lucien’s trap.
That night, when the dreams came to them.
Beau feels her skin crawl as those memories come back to her once again.
The helplessness of floating in space, the inability to move or look away, the piercing ruddy gazes of those nine crimson eyes. Seeing into her, around her, through her.
It was as if every single secret and shameful deed she’d ever hidden from anyone and everyone was ripped from her very mind, like she was being read for filth and she couldn’t plug her ears.
It felt emotionally, spiritually, and physically agonizing. Like her very body and soul was being torn apart as the deafening screams and whispers overwhelmed what little conscious thought she had left.
And just as she had reached her absolute limit… or rather, just as she was pushed beyond it, both her and Caleb woke up simultaneously.
And then… the last thing they had discovered.
The red eyes on their bodies. Staring right back at them, as piercing as the ones in the dreams.
It was, in the truest sense, a complete and utter violation of her very being.
And it would not be the last time it would happen.
Beau slams the book she’d been reading closed. Hard. Loud enough to echo through the halls as every single acolyte, archivist, and even the newly arriving visitor have their gazes cast upon her.
Her breathing is panicked and shaky, her heart is beating too quickly.
She needs to get out. Away from all these fucking people.
Get out, get out, getoutgetoutgetoutgetgetoutGETOUTGETOUTGETOUT—
She gets to her feet all too quickly and just leaves the book at the table.
Door. Outside. Ahead.
She takes a few steps, not caring about her pace.
Shit, she’s stumbling.
Shit, she’s tripping.
Shit, she’s—
Beau opens her eyes fast as lightning. She turns her head left and right.
She’s no longer in the main hall of the archive.
She’s also laying down on a bed. Or perhaps a sofa?
What the fuck?
Taking at least a few seconds to take in her surroundings, she realizes that she is indeed on a sofa.
Another cursory glance around reveals that it’s a very familiar place. A very familiar home.
“Ah, you’re finally awake, ja?”
Beau blinks. Of course it would be his voice she’d be hearing. “Caleb?”
She hates how weak she sounds right now. A highly-decorated Expositor of the Cobalt Soul, collapsing due to a fucking panic attack in the middle of her workplace. How embarrassing, and right in front of so many people.
She groans as she slowly gets into a sitting position. She’s in Caleb’s study within his own Rexxentrum home, a good 20 minute walk from the archive. The mage himself is sitting at his desk, petting one of his many baby kittens.
Ferdinand, she recalls. The coat is ringing a bell.
“Are you all right, Beauregard?”
Beau nods, slowly. Her head hurts so much. She must have ended up with a concussion or just a rather nasty headache. Probably not a concussion as she is still pretty much alert and awake.
“Am I all right? Shit, man. Does it look like I’m all right?”
Her response lacks the usual snark and barbs. She must really be exhausted.
Caleb, thankfully, doesn’t offer his own response.
“How did I get to your home? Don’t tell me you had to carry me here.”
“Had you in my arms the whole time, ja.” He tries his best to hide it, but Beau can tell that he is just barely suppressing a smirk. But then he drops the act altogether. “Sorry, I was trying to lighten the mood.”
Beau shakes her head. “Nah, it’s fine. Not the worst thing that’s happened to me at work.” She cracks her neck and her knuckles and stands up to stretch. “How long was I out?”
“I believe…” Caleb pauses as he does some mental math, a typical quirk of his, “Ja, five hours now.”
“Five hours? Fuck, I gotta get home,” Beau hastily replies as she finds her coat and staff. “Welp, thanks for looking out for me, man. Later!”
She goes for the front door, only to be met with sudden resistance. It’s not budging. She turns to Caleb. “What the hell, man? Yasha must be getting worried that I haven’t come home and—”
“I already informed her and Frau Clara,” Caleb cuts her off with a tone that brooks no argument. Oh boy, it’s going to be one of those talks. “Beauregard… What happened at the archive today?”
Beau sighs as she puts her coat and staff back on the rack and plops down on the couch again. Legs up on the armrest and feet dangling, as usual. “It’s stupid.”
“Please. I’m no stranger to stupid.”
She looks towards her wizard bro and sighs again. “Yeah. Guess we’re both experts at that.” She then subconsciously rubs the back of her left hand before realizing she’s doing it and stops.
Not fast enough, though. Caleb pretty much nails it. “Were you remembering what happened back then as well?”
Wait… “As well?”
There is a long, long pause before Beau allows herself to speak, her voice cracking. “You too, huh?”
Caleb nods as another cat walks into the study, this one being Hans. He jumps up to the couch and lands on Beau’s stomach.
Beau pretty much gives up on being stoic as she takes Hans into her arms and strokes his fur. The purring is so soothing. She likes this particular cat. He’s one of her favorites among Caleb’s litter, though she does miss the cats of the tower.
“Yeah, had another fucking flashback to that night. I hate it. You know what set me off? Just hearing the word… ‘welcome’.”
She feels a chill run down her spine. She manages to fight off another panic attack as she steadies her breathing before continuing. “It sucks, man. Couldn’t even calm myself. Tried running out of the archive, somehow stumbled and tripped, bam. Out like a light. And clearly that’s when you must have found out.”
The wizard nods. “I was informed about that particular episode. In fact, I had a bit of an episode myself… ironically around the same time, if memory serves.”
Beau looks at him in disbelief. “Wow. Almost as if we’re still somehow linked. But nah, total coincidence.”
Caleb seems pensive. That is never a good sign when talking about deep shit like this. And sure enough, she’s proven right with his next words.
“Beauregard… have you ever talked to the Cobalt Soul about what happened?”
Beau can swear that she feels her blood freeze. It’s the last thing she wants to do. After all, she had kept that detail hidden from them during the whole situation to begin with. And it was purely to ensure that talking about the eyes wouldn’t jeopardize their standing with the Soul.
Hell, even in her debriefing and overall reports, she never once mentioned the eyes or what they had done to her, in terms of her fucking emotional damage.
The last thing the Soul would want is a broken mess of an Expositor. At least, that was her reasoning at the time.
“You seriously need to talk to them about this," Caleb sternly tells her.
"Even though I might get cast out for hiding it from them? Caleb… I don’t know if I want to. I feel like if I do that… they would want nothing to do with me anymore.”
Fuck, now she can feel her tears coming out. “This is what I’m talking about. They don’t need my baggage dragging them down. Fuck, man.”
Caleb stands up from his chair, still holding Ferdinand in the crook of his arm. Beau realizes what he’s intending and gets back into a normal seating position, still holding Hans close.
“And yet they still accepted you in spite of your other ‘baggage’, did they not?”
“Yeah. I know, it’s entirely irrational of me,” Beau admits. She just can’t stop crying. “I just hate being unable to handle things if my own fucking eye rabies-induced PTSD will keep getting in the way.”
Caleb nods slowly, processing what she is saying. He then places an arm over her shoulders. “Then I would suggest talking to the Soul about it. They’ll understand. I’m sure they will. And if they do cast you out… I’ll let you vandalize one of my spellbooks.”
Beau lets out a meek laugh before looking up and into Caleb’s soft gaze. She knows that he is no stranger to trauma, being one of Ikithon’s former projects. Hell, he is literally in the same boat as she is regarding her own. So of course he would be understanding.
“Who should I talk to, then? Yudala? Dairon?”
“That is up to you, Beauregard.” His hand squeezes her shoulder, a gesture they’re both familiar with. “And if they ask why… just be forthright. I know I have been.”
Beau nods. “Yeah, yeah. Wait, you’ve been talking to someone about your whole deal?”
“Ja. With Kingsley through Sending. Seems he’s been having dreams of his own at night regarding his… former lives.”
Of course Kingsley would be understanding. Despite the fact that his life is still relatively fresh, he would totally get it too.
Beau can’t help herself anymore. She leans into Caleb and rests her head on his shoulder as she lets her tears out without further resistance. Her hands are trembling but still holding and petting Hans.
She’s so glad that she’s not alone in dealing with this. She couldn’t ask for a better partner, friend, and brother. Well, except TJ, of course.
“I think you have a point.”
Caleb places a soft, gentle kiss into her hair before resting his own head atop her own. His free arm goes from her shoulder to her side as he pulls her close into a sidehug. “I know I do. It will be all right, schwester. Trust me.”
Beau hums in agreement. She doesn’t bother moving and thus she just stays where she is. If need be, she can just crash here tonight.
She can worry about tomorrow, well, tomorrow.
For now, at least, she feels safe.
The long walk to her destination feels like forever, but upon her arrival, Beau knocks on the door leading to the High Curator’s office.
There is a pregnant pause before she hears their voice from within. “Yes?”
Beau clears her throat, trying to keep her voice level. “It’s Expositor Beauregard. Can I have some of your time, High Curator?”
Another pause before a response. “Come in, Beauregard.”
Having received Yudala Fon’s permission, she lets herself into the half-elf’s office. She then walks the distance to their desk.
“So how can I help you, Expositor? Please, have a seat.”
Beau nods as she grabs a chair and drags it to the desk, resisting the urge to perch or slouch as she sits up straight. She then wills herself to maintain eye contact with Yudala.
It is so fucking hard to maintain her composure right now.
She can allow herself to break if Yudala hears her out without being judgmental.
One step at a time.
“High Curator…” she starts to say before clearing her throat again to hide a tremor threatening to creep into her voice. She can do this. “Yudala… I have to tell you something.”
Yudala merely nods as they sit back in their own chair. “Go on, Beauregard.”
Beau takes a deep breath as she takes the fucking plunge into the deep end. “There is something that I haven’t been entirely forthright with you about.”
“Hmm… Does this have to do with the unexpected episode you experienced yesterday?”
“Yes.” No hesitation as Beau confirms Yudala Fon’s assertion. “I apologize for not telling you sooner. You see…”
She closes her eyes and takes one more deep breath. First she took the plunge, now she has to come up to the surface for air.
“It’s about what happened a year or so ago, regarding the incident in Eiselcross…”