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Quinlan tried not to cry as he pushed himself through the physical therapy session. Just a few months ago he had won his first Olympic gold medal, with Obi-Wan, Cody, and Rex. Then on the last heat in the two man... their sled went out of control thanks to tampering and everything had changed since then.
He breathed in and out. The pain was still horrible. It wasn't as intense as when he first woke up, when he was constantly dosed so much it was hard to be awake and coherent.
But it was far more than he was used to, and he could push himself through a lot of pain. This was somehow worse.
He stopped and breathed again, concentrating on the exercise he was supposed to be doing despite the pain.
He pushed through.
"Great job, Quinlan. You're improving right on schedule."
Quinlan let out a breath and nodded. He knew that it would probably be a miracle if he could ever bobsled again, but he wanted to. He didn't want his career to end to a sabotage from the coach that had nearly ruined his career years ago. He wanted to have more seasons, even if they were never as good as this one.
But his legs had been fractured and his spine had been broken. There was some nerve damage. He was still relearning to do everything, still needed a lot of help.
He was still in a wheelchair much of the time, especially in public. He could go without at home. Sometimes. It wasn't ideal but he could.
Quinlan transferred himself to his chair. He went through the usual after therapy talk and then went to wait to be picked up.
At least he was going to be able to walk again. But it was taking so long. And it hurt so much. He had never experienced pain in his back like this. He had never experienced pain in general like this, and he'd had an abusive coach for a while.
Quinlan winced and breathed through the pain as it flared up when he shifted. He was going to need to take something when he got home and maybe some ice or heat. Give everything time to settle though, first, then he would. Aftermath of therapy was the worst.
Sometimes he recovered from the therapy session only for it to be time for the next one. It was a never ending grind of pain, pain and more pain. And there was nothing Quinlan could do about it.
Healing took time. No matter how much it hurt.
He wasn't surprised when Rex was the one who pulled up. He and Cody were taking care of Obi-Wan, who was further along in healing, and had never had his career at risk. Not like Quinlan.
They had included Quinlan in that help as well, when they realized he didn't really have anyone to call. Tholme had died when he was in college, before he could see Quinlan's career take off. Aayla was still in college herself, despite winning her own first gold medal that year. Quinlan wasn't about to make her drop everything to take care of him.
So, Rex and Cody stepped up and helped Quinlan too, as did some of their other brothers.
When asked why he just got incredulous looks from them, as they felt indebted to him. Quinlan had been the one who pushed to get Fox's coach investigated. Who was abusing Fox and pushing him far past his limits.
Fox had received three gold medals, and on the last one he struggled to get up. He'd had injuries he should not have competed with, and his arm had needed multiple surgeries. He was still on his own recovery journey. He could do some skiing but his arm wouldn't be up to competitive, not right now, if ever.
Worse, getting Skeevy Sheev put under investigation, had him pay off someone to sabotage Quinlan and Obi-Wan's sled, which led to their injuries.
So his brothers all felt they owed Quinlan and Obi-Wan. Cody and Rex were dating Obi-Wan, though, so it wasn't like it changed much for them. They just included Quinlan. The four of them made up the four man team that got gold, after all.
Quinlan accepted Rex's help into the front seat and shifted until he was comfortable, sighing. That was better.
Rex folded up the wheelchair and put it in the back.
"Bad session?"
"Are there ever any good sessions at this stage of healing?" Quinlan asked with a sigh.
Rex winced. "Ah... well. Any progress?"
"Yeah. Getting my range of motion back and learning where the limits are with the pain and pushing them a bit... Still no telling if I can bobsled again." Quinlan sighed, leaning back. He sighed a lot these days. He looked out the window.
He didn't see Rex glance at him worriedly. Quinlan had been different with the injuries. Had not been himself. Lacking energy and enthusiasm. Everyone who knew him was worried, coaches, friends, and family.
Especially Fox, who had been harboring a crush on Quinlan that only grew stronger after it was Quinlan who made sure he was okay that day. After Quinlan started sharing some of his own experiences under Skeevy Sheev the terrible coach.
But Quinlan was just oblivious to their worry, stuck in insecurities and worry about the future. Sure, he was a gold medalist and that might get him far. But everyone also knew just how injured he was. Could he go back? And if not... how recovered would he be? Could he saddle another person with that, especially now that it was looking like he would always have issues? He was never going to fully recover, but he might be able to bobsled again. If he worked hard and didn't push himself. He wouldn't be competing again for another year at this rate, but he might be able to make a return.
.
Quinlan was still in a cycle of negative thoughts later that day when Fox showed up for a visit with some food.
Quinlan smiled and started eating quietly.
"You okay today, Quin?"
"Yeah. Just another rough day at physical therapy."
"You have a lot of those... want to talk about it?"
Quinlan shrugged. "Nothing to talk about. I'll recover enough... or I won't."
Fox sighed. "You're going to have to talk about it eventually... You can't go on like this. You're barely even eating."
Quinlan flinched and looked at his food, forcing another bite in his mouth.
"I'm fine. Really."
Fox gave him a look. "You're not. You're lying to yourself. You're not fine. Why can't you just admit to it?"
"I... I can't." Quinlan bit his lip and looked away, setting aside the food. He shifted, aiming to get more comfortable, but he just hissed when it triggered a jolt of pain from his legs up his back. He settled again, the ache lingering as it often did.
Fox frowned and reached over to take his hand. "You're in pain, let me help."
"What about your arm? You should focus on that."
"It's healing up well. Just a matter of time, doing better than expected." Fox watched Quinlan carefully.
Quinlan flinched, but was truly happy for Fox. "That's great! I'm glad!"
Fox sighed. "This is about you not being able to return to bobsledding isn't it? You don't know if you can right now?"
Quinlan shrank in his seat, almost pulling away, though Fox did not let him. "I'm healing at the rate they're expecting, and it hurts all the time. Hurts worse with therapy. They said there's no way to know for certain for months, until I hit a block on range of motion or there stops being improvement with the pain."
"I'm sorry. You don't deserve that, Quin."
"I don't want to retire," Quinlan whispered.
"I know. Do you know what you'll do if you have to?"
Quinlan shook his head. "No... no I don't... That's the problem... I was always going to bobsled until I was too old, then retire, maybe coach, but ideally I'd be old enough I don't need to work anymore at all but now..."
"Oh. Do you want to discuss possibilities? Would you want to coach?"
"Maybe. Might need to take a few classes for that, especially if I teach younger ones... But I'm not sure I'll be able to be around a bobsled without getting affected by wishing things were different. And coaching tends to be active... so If my back is bad, I might not be able to do that."
"I'm sorry. Is there anything you want to talk about?"
"No... No I'm okay." Quinlan was lying.
Fox knew it. "I don't want to push. If you want to talk, go ahead. I'm here for you."
To his surprise, Quinlan just started crying, refusing to say a single word.
He rubbed Quinlan's back soothingly. "I'm here. It's going to be okay. I have you."
Quinlan eventually stopped crying, though tears were still forming and falling. "How do you do it? You haven't seemed affected that you might not be able to ski again. Not a single hint of upset or anything."
"Different situation, Quin. I'm still... I am trying to figure out where my passion for skiing went. I still enjoy doing it and I don't want to leave my career behind, but it doesn't hurt me the way I think it is you. I'll probably just take up writing and baking, and figure things out from there. I do have plenty of savings because Skeev never let me do anything. I had to sneak out for the parkour."
"Oh..." Quinlan looked away. "I just... I don't know who I am outside of bobsledding. It's been my life since I was little. My dad had to bribe me to take college classes around the competitions. Took me six years to graduate and I did but I don't know. I just did whatever it took to get me a degree in music."
"Music? I didn't know that you got a degree in music."
Quinlan winced. "I don't... I'm not that great. I enjoy music, and I have some talent but I've never been a prodigy. I've never really considered it a career, it was just an easy way to get a degree."
Fox stared at him. "I took some music courses in college. They were incredibly difficult. I think you're underestimating yourself."
"I don't know..." Quinlan sighed. "I don't know that I want to have a career in music or anything. I don't even know who I am without bobsledding. It's been my life since the first time I tried it. I'm nothing without bobsledding."
"Quin. You're not nothing. Don't talk about yourself like that."
Quinlan rubbed his eyes. "I haven't made friends outside of bobsledding or other winter sports for years. I am barely in contact with friends from high school. I haven't played an instrument in years. I do other things, yeah, but my life has revolved around bobsledding for so long... I'm not me without it."
"But you can be," Fox hugged Quinlan close. "You're a brilliant person. Kind, caring. A good friend, a good brother. You went through abuse too and stood up to that abuse for me. You could've walked away instead of risking yourself like that, but you didn't. You chose to stick with me, chose to ensure I got out of that situation as soon as possible."
Quinlan was confused. "But... any person would have done that."
"No, not any person. Other skiers had Skeev as a coach. Only one of them warned me to be carful. None of them stepped in or checked on me. None of them thought twice about my crashes. But you noticed. You're observant and that saved me. I don't know where I would be without you."
"Oh..." Quinlan sniffled. "I still don't feel like much of a person."
"Then let us help you figure out who you are. You don't think you'll go back to bobsledding?"
"I... I want to. I desperately want to, but it might be out of reach and I need to prepare for that and even if I do go back, there's a good chance I can't have nearly so long of a career as I had planned and that's an issue too. Regardless... I've been told that I will always be dealing with some pain from my back. I had to have surgeries, of course it will affect me the rest of my life."
Fox hummed, thinking. "So how many instruments do you know how to play?"
"Uh... most of the common ones," Quinlan admitted. "And some not so common ones."
"So... this fancy saxophone isn't just for show?"
It was a icy blue alto saxophone with snowflakes that was on display on the wall, one of the few things Quinlan had chosen to put up when he moved in.
Quinlan shook his head.
"Play it then."
Quinlan stared at him in surprise. "What?"
"Play it. I know most of your injuries are healed up enough to manage something simple... right?"
Quinlan blinked, and then took in a deep breath. "Okay... I'll try. Bring it here. I'll need one of the reeds from the section below the display."
Fox grinned in triumph.
Quinlan took the saxophone and put the reed in place in the mouthpiece, after making sure everything was ready and good to use. He ran through a couple of scales and made a couple of adjustments.
Then he started playing the first thing that came to mind. A well known movie theme that wasn't too difficult to play. From there he went to Disney songs, playing some that were actually complicated.
Fox listened with astonishment. Quinlan was good. He hadn't played in a long time, from what it sounded, and yet... here he was playing the instrument like his last practice was just weeks ago at most.
Quinlan played the last note and put the saxophone on his leg, the resting position. He was smiling slightly. "Been a few years. I'm still rusty."
Fox stared at him. "That's you rusty?"
"Uh... yeah?"
"But it was amazing. You're amazing. It doesn't sound like you haven't played in years, more like it's just been a few weeks."
"Nah. Instruments are one of those things you never entirely forget how to play."
"But that doesn't mean your fingers will move so smoothly..." Fox shook his head. "Quin. You're amazing."
"I'm really not. I'm not sure what I would do with this."
A though occurred to Fox. "What if you just... started a YouTube channel or something?"
"What?" Quinlan stared at him. "What good would that do?"
Fox huffed. "You don't know that music is a good back up or not. Why don't you start posting videos and see what other people think of your skills? Show the world what you got as a musician. Can you sing?"
"Yeah. I can sing." Quinlan considered this further. "You think people would like what I can do?"
"Absolutely. Just do some recordings and I'll help you with it and we'll see how people react and you can figure out if you want to keep going or not."
"Uh... what's the minimum you want me to try before I can stop?"
Fox nearly sighed that Quinlan was still not entirely certain of himself.
"How about... hmm. Think you can handle one video a week? Spend two days practicing the piece, a day or two for recording, then the rest of the time on editing?"
"I could probably handle that if someone helps me with the editing."
"I actually went to college for photography and filmography. I can handle it."
"Really? You'd do that?"
"I have a lot of free time now, and even if I go back to skiing I'm still going to have a lot of free time I didn't have with Skeev. I want to pick up some hobbies. So I'd love to help out."
"Oh..." Quinlan was seriously considering it.
"I'm thinking one video a week for three months. If that's too intense a pace we could try something else."
"No... Let's do this. We're going to have to dig out all my music stuff."
Fox was astonished to find that Quinlan had boxes of music books and supplies for his instruments. Quinlan didn't just have an alto saxophone. He had a tenor saxophone, a trumpet, a French horn, a flute, a clarinet, a keyboard, a drum set, a viola, a cello, and an acoustic guitar.
"You just... keep these in storage?"
"Oh, yeah. I've been so focused on bobsledding I kind of forgot..." Quinlan frowned. "...Wait a minute. It was Skeevy Sheev who told me that music was a waste of time. He didn't say that until after I graduated but he made his opinion clear afterwards. So I put them away and..." Quinlan trailed off, memories of everything Sheev had said coming to mind.
Quinlan had lost a lot of confidence due to Sheev's abuse over years with him as his coach, and he stepped it up once Quinlan had graduated from college. Quinlan had more doubts about his abilities as a musician, so it was far easier for Sheev to tear him down there. No wonder he'd been avoiding music for so long.
Fox scowled. "The machinations of a bad coach strike again. You okay?"
"Yeah, I just... I didn't realize. Most of the things he usually preyed on were things I was already confident in or things I had accepted... Took him a long time to wear me down, to start actually giving me doubts at all. But music? I loved music, but I was never a prodigy, I was never the best. I was sure if I auditioned for anything I was not likely to win a part. I was not confident in my ability as a musician even though I love music... And he just confirmed my fears. It made sense to pack everything away and I didn't realize... Fuck."
"Skeev convinced me that I was a horrible baker so I would stop bringing baked goods to share with others..." Fox admitted quietly. "And I think he also did that because he was afraid of me gaining too much weight from eating too much..."
Quinlan frowned. "Every time I think I know how low he went for both of us... something new comes up. I don't know how many of my insecurities I would have if he had not been my coach."
Fox nodded, but wanted to get off the subject "So... got ideas for what you want to do with your first video?"
Quinlan considered his options. "I think... I think I might want to do videos where I do every part of a piece and we put them together. I know something about recording multiple tracks."
Fox blinked. "That's ambitious."
Quinlan shrugged. "First few months should be about experimenting anyways. We could just make it a once a month video."
"That would make sense." Fox nodded. "Other ideas?"
"Um... I could sing, one video a month. Maybe. I don't know. It's been a while. I was thinking maybe sight reading something new once a month could be fun. Leave in any errors, could even be a longer one that shows the process of learning a new piece the first time?"
"Good place to start... that would leave one video a month."
Quinlan was quiet for a bit. "I kind of want to tie bobsledding to it, like. Make a music video or something. But... not sure that would work for us right now. So... maybe just a random song, performed on a random instruments... people like me, they can make requests."
Fox nodded. "Want to make your first video right now? You could just do the song you started with."
"That could work." Quinlan nodded. "But we'll need to find the music for it. I only had one page memorized."
Fox gave him a look. "I'm amazed anyone can memorize any part of a song and play it like no time has passed when it's been years."
Quinlan shrugged. "I don't know how I managed it, but... I'm glad I can play it." He shifted and hissed at the flare of pain. He closed his eyes and breathed through the pain.
Fox was at his side. "Are you okay? Need to take something?"
Quinlan waved him off, still focusing on breathing until the worst subsided. "I'm so tired of taking things for the pain."
"You shouldn't put yourself through such pain though. It's okay. You don't need to be strong, or to hide it, not from me."
Quinlan looked away. "...I think I want to hide it from myself," he admitted quietly. "Because the pain is a reminder of how bad it is, a reminder that I might never bobsled again. If I don't have pain, if I don't have to acknowledge the pain... Then I can pretend." Quinlan looked at his hands, mumbling, "sometimes I wish I had died in the crash."
"Quin... Don't do that to yourself," Fox pleaded. "It's okay to be in pain. It's okay to need to take something for it. And we'd all rather you be alive than dead."
Quinlan sighed. "I know... but I'm just tired of being in pain, tired of the uncertainty, and outside of bobsledding my main outlets were things like parkour and if I can't do bobsledding I certainly can't do those anymore. They'll be too risky."
Fox sighed and took his hand. "One step at a time. Focus on healing, on other things. Work as hard as you can without pushing yourself too far. I don't want you to cripple yourself because you tried too hard. What happens will happen, and we're not going to be able to change that. Just try your best."
"Okay. I can do that." Quinlan picked up the alto again, fingering the keys thoughtfully. "It's a good thing most of my instruments aren't heavy. We'd have to come up for something so my back could handle it."
Fox nodded. "I think we can handle it. Take something, drink some water and then we can try recording once we find the music."
Quinlan smiled. "Okay. Oh. Um. I'm not sure I can take negative comments right now so once we start posting, I think I might avoid looking at the comments for a month or more unless you see them and think I should see them."
"Alright. What name to you want to use for the channel?"
"Quinlan Vos. Keep it simple. I don't have anything to hide, not really. And and anyways, it's not like people in winter sports are famous."
Fox raised an eyebrow at him and decided to let Quinlan find out for himself.
Everyone knew about Quinlan Vos and Obi-Wan Kenobi, how they had taken down the worst coach in history, saving Fox from further trouble. Everyone knew how after a successful gold in the four man they were lucky to get silver after being sabotaged, the saboteur being paid off by Palpatine.
Quinlan was famous. Social media speculated on if he would make a comeback to bobsledding. They were still wondering what ever happened to him because no one had heard from him aside from family and friends who would never go to social media without permission.
Meanwhile, Cody, Obi-Wan, and Rex were often seen out and about together, showing that Obi-Wan was recovering, and happy with them. But where was Quinlan?
Fox put it all out of his mind in order to help Quinlan record a video. It took a couple of takes and soon, Fox had a solid video to edit.
He didn't add any commentary. Quinlan had said nothing, just played and gave the camera a small smile at the end. But he was clearly sitting in a wheelchair, and those more observant might be able to tell that he was in pain.
Fox uploaded the final result after getting the go ahead. He kept an eye on the stats for a while. People were commenting. People were enjoying it.
He decided not to tell Quinlan, not yet. Quinlan deserved to see amazing comments.
Besides, the first video hadn't reached 100 views.
The next video was Quinlan covering a song. That one hit a thousand and the other one started gaining hits faster.
A few people noted the wheelchair, but no one seemed to know Quinlan was, not yet anyways. Fox was certain they would notice.
Quinlan played flute for the first sight reading video.
People were surprised to see him play a different instrument from the first video. Surprised by how talented he was.
But it wasn't until the fourth video, at the end of the first month that the videos blew up.
Because the fourth video was a popular movie theme, one just about anyone could hum. Done in several different instruments, all played by Quinlan in his wheelchair. The one he clearly wasn't entirely comfortable with was the cello, but that was because of back pain, not because he wasn't skilled enough.
Everyone was amazed by this man who could play so many different instruments, play them so well. He was good at sight reading, with some fumbles. He was a fantastic singer.
So just who was Quinlan Vos?
It took one of the other bobsledders to recognize him. One of his former teammates under Palpatine, in fact. He commented on the video, saying that Quinlan was a bobsledder, a medalist at the Olympics.
Everyone went nuts, searching his name and discovering the gold medal runs of the four man, and the spectacular, devastating crash of the two man.
That was when Fox knew it was time to show Quinlan the comments.
.
Quinlan breathed through the pain at his therapy session. A bit more than four weeks... there was improvement, the pain wasn't as bad. But it still got near unbearable with some of the exercises he had to do.
But he had to complete the exercises, pushing just past his limits, or he would have no chance of ever making it. So he breathed and did his best to work through the pain.
With the music, he was feeling a little better. It was nice picking up his favorite hobby again. He hadn't realized how much he missed it. How much it helped.
But... he was still dealing with the possibility of having to retire. And he didn't even know if music would work as a good fall back.
And Fox was being so patient, being such a good friend... how could Quinlan put more on him by confessing to feelings? Quinlan couldn't risk that Fox would reject him. Couldn't risk harming Fox by being too needy in the future, especially since he had a chronic pain problem now, no matter what happened.
He tuned back into his therapist's round up of all the improvements. it really didn't feel like much, but apparently he'd been having more improvement in the last mont than previously, putting him ahead of schedule. But, still too soon to tell on how well he would heal up.
Quinlan was pleased by the improvement, though he wasn't sure why he had improved so much. He got into his wheelchair, wincing in pain. He could not wait to relax now that it was over.
When Cody got him home, he found Fox waiting with eager anticipation.
"Quin, you have to see this. You have so many good comments, but look at this." Fox pushed him over to the laptop. He put on a video.
Quinlan was instantly interested. It was one of his favorite musicians on YouTube, who often reacted to different music videos. The introduction was pretty typical, though the musician talked about how new to YouTube the uploader was.
The video started. Quinlan's eyes widened. That was himself, playing the opening notes on a trumpet. Then the other instruments.
...he really did play it well, at least.
The musician was silent, staring with wide eyes. Once all the instruments were playing their parts, he paused to exclaim about the different instruments, and how well Quinlan was playing them.
Quinlan relaxed. Then he realized. His favorite musician on YouTubewas reacting to his video. Who had over 100k subscribers. How many people were about to discover his videos?
The musician found a couple of minor errors and at one point paused to study his cello posture, pointing out how much he seemed in pain playing it, yet it didn't show nearly as much.
At the end of the video, the musician was doing his usual ending comments. "I wonder what happened to... Quinlan Vos was it? He seems pretty mobile but in a lot of pain. Someone this good at music has to be out in the internet somewhere..."
He pulled up his phone and searched. His jaw dropped. He looked between his phone and the video.
"So... It looks like Quinlan Vos has a degree in music. But that's not what's got me shocked y'all. Quinlan Vos is a gold medalist! He won gold in the four man bobsled this year. And then he got silver in the two man... despite a horrifying crash... no wonder he's in the wheelchair."
Quinlan cringed.
"I am so impressed with this musician. There's clearly a lot of talent, and he's still recovering from that crash. But he played very well despite that, with some issues with the cello, but I think given time he will sort that out. I am looking forward to seeing what else he has to show us."
Quinlan stared at the video in astonishment as it faded to the credits. "When was that posted?"
"Just an hour ago." Fox grinned at him. "I think you're going to do good, even before he posted this video, you were past a thousand subscribers, with almost entirely positive comments. Views in the thousands... before this."
Quinlan was a little shaky as he went to look at the stats himself. "Whoa..."
Fox wrapped his good arm around Quinlan. "I told you. You're talented."
"Yeah... I can't believe it..." Quinlan smiled. "This is amazing."
"You're amazing. You earned their attention."
Quinlan shifted uncomfortably. "Well, as long as they're not watching because they pity me or something."
"I doubt it Quin. Still feeling doubts?"
Quinlan looked down. "Yeah. The positive reactions are great. Fantastic. And that helps. But... Bobsledding was my life, and I miss training. I really miss it. I'm happy I have something I can do instead but..."
Fox smiled and rubbed his shoulder. "But you're still dealing with a major upheaval with no idea on how good or bad it will turn out."
"Yeah." Quinlan sighed. "I... I'm trying not to lie to myself but it's really hard."
"I know you're trying. It's okay to struggle, Quin."
"Thanks for helping."
"Anything f-" Fox cut himself off. He nearly said 'for you'. He wasn't ready for that conversation. He didn't want to upset Quinlan, not when Quinlan was barely accepting that people liked his music.
Quinlan smiled. "So... what do you think I should do for the next video?"