Chapter Text
Rei wakes in the middle of the night.
There’s no reason why, because so many things happen without cause. It’s simply what’s happened.
He lets out a sigh at his own consciousness, quietly because his husband is pressed against his back as they lay on their sides. Koga’s deep asleep. Good. He deserves to rest well.
Rei’s done this enough times to know he can’t fall back asleep just by waiting, so he carefully maneuvers out of Koga’s arms and out of bed, walking to the balcony door like every floorboard is spring-loaded.
Unfortunately, he can’t prevent the noise the door makes when it opens, but a glance at Koga indicates he’s not disturbed by the sound. Rei steps outside and shuts the door behind him.
He leans his arms on the railing, staring out at the darkness of the night. How many times did he find himself doing this same thing in some hotel as a teenager? How many of those times did he think about jumping off to the ground below?
Minutes pass, slow and hazy. Rei feels no less awake.
Behind him, he hears the door open. Koga is so warm as he presses up against Rei’s back and wraps his arms around Rei’s waist.
“Did I wake you when I got up?” Rei asks, voice gravelly from sleep. He clears his throat.
He feels Koga shake his head. “Just… woke up outta nowhere and ya were gone.” His words are muffled as he buries his face into Rei. “Didn’t like it.”
There’s a sharp pang in Rei’s heart, because even if it doesn’t make sense, that feels like it’s his fault. “I’m sorry.”
“Nah, ‘s alright.” A pause. “Ya okay?”
Closing his eyes, Rei inhales the night air. It’s cool and sweet. “I don’t know,” he admits.
Koga shifts, brushing Rei’s hair aside to kiss the nape of his neck. “Can I help?”
He presses a hand over the one of Koga’s that rests on his stomach. “You help just by being here.”
He replies with a soft hum of acknowledgment.
They stay like that for a while, silent and close. Rei tries to count as many stars as he can, but he finds it difficult to focus on numbers when his husband is right there. How can he ever think of anything but Koga? How can he feel so bad when he’s so full of love for this man? It isn’t fair, he says in his head.
“What’s not?” Koga asks, perking up.
Or maybe not. “Ah. Thinking out loud, was I?” He sighs. “It’s just so absurd that everything is so much better now than it used to be, yet I still find myself with the same melancholy.”
“Yeah, ya got depression,” he says like it’s that easy.
Maybe it is, but Rei can’t quite settle into the word after how hard he’s fought it. How urgently he ignored the symptoms, how desperately he denied their existence, how close they came to destroying him.
“Sorry,” Koga mumbles, and Rei assures it’s fine. “Just… I dunno. It sucks. But ‘s not… Like, ‘s not yer fault. Ya can’t do somethin’ different to change it. Ya do what ya can—fuckin’ proud of ya for it—but ‘s still gonna be there sometimes.”
It’s true, and Rei almost can’t stand it. He hates being powerless, hates not having a real way out. “God, I want a cigarette,” he whispers.
He feels Koga’s lips on his shoulder. “Come back to bed,” he says after several moments.
Rei sighs deeply. “Alright.”
He allows Koga to lead him back inside and into bed. Rei lays down as he had before, but Koga gently tugs at his sleeve, and he rolls over to face him. “Hey,” Koga says, wrapping his arms around Rei.
“Hello,” he murmurs, smiling just barely.
“Ya know I love ya, yeah?”
“I know.” He does. It’s a hard thing to truly grasp, in all honesty, but Rei knows. “I love you too.”
Koga leans in to kiss him gently. “G’night.”
Leaning his forehead against Koga’s, Rei whispers, “Goodnight, puppy.”