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“ Jungwon-ah .”
Jungwon’s name was called so quietly from somewhere in the dorm that he wasn’t sure if he’d ever heard it at all. It was silent for a few moments before the familiar figure of one of his hyungs obstructed the dim light pouring out into the night from the living room. He pulled his eyes away from where they had previously been staring aimlessly up into the endless darkness of the night sky, and turned to see the tall figure of Jay, looking around inside the room, looking around for Jungwon. He just watched the older for a minute.
Jungwon himself had been awake all night, staring out to the pitch black sky. It was the first week of autumn and rapidly approaching was the anniversary of ENHYPEN’s second official year as a group. He, as their leader, hadn’t slept properly in months. It was fine, though. He didn’t mind. It gave him peace of mind enough to know that he was looking after his members well, he thought. It made him curious though - what was Jay doing awake? Jungwon glanced at the small digital watch face on his wrist and the time showed 2AM.
(It’s at this moment he decided to remember the watch he was sporting was, in fact, not his. He smiled gently at the memory of Jay gifting his leader his own watch as a birthday gift, given that Jungwon had firmly barred monetary presents.)
He focused his attention back on Jay, still pattering about inside, not even thinking about checking for Jungwon outside. Jungwon noticed, worriedly, that his mouth - so usually drawn into a toothy grin or mean smirk - now bore a wobbly line. Jay’s bright, warm eyes were reflecting the overhead lights, dark circles blotted underneath them, stark bruises against his honey skin.
To Jungwon, Jay had always been someone so unafraid to feel and respond, so bold with his speech and his feelings. Jungwon had admired that about him since their first meeting, when the older insisted he take money for a taxi to get home, even after he’d refused three times already. Even during I-LAND, he never shied away from how he felt, and was (at times too much so, Jungwon found) very vocal about it. The past years had been a stressful blur for all seven of the members, but, recently, Jay’s silence was what had worried Jungwon the most.
He had always felt comfortable sharing how he felt, and his words were almost healing, despite how they were often the vocalisation of his darkest thoughts and teary doubts about himself. Jungwon, introverted and timid, had found himself gravitate towards the loud and unabashed counterpart, despite the odds. They sought comfort in each other almost daily, it seemed. Jay had been the first person to offload his problems on him, unbothered by the fact Jungwon was younger. It’s like Jay already knew he was someone who would naturally be there for him - for them all.
Lately had been a different story, though. Jay seemed spaced out and far away, almost like he was tiptoeing around what he wanted - needed? - to say. Jungwon couldn’t place why, but it made his heart heavy. How could Jay, someone so confident, shut himself away so effectively in the space of seven days? What could his friends do to help - what could Jungwon do to help?
“Jungwon-ah…?”
How hadn’t jungwon noticed Jay’s voice was shaky and watery? He stood up and met Jay’s furrowed brow through the glass door. Relief flooded his expression as Jay walked towards the door, pulling it open and breathing out white wisps into the cold air.
“There you are, Wonie. I was afraid you’d… I don’t know, walked out alone, or something.” (‘Again,’ Jay kindly left unspoken.)
The oldest took a long look over at his leader. Jungwon shifted uncomfortably under his scrutinising glare. He’d always felt like Jay was the one person who could see directly through him. Without exerting even the smallest amount of effort he could instantly tune into Jungwon’s thoughts, it seemed.
He knew he himself probably didn’t look in a much better state than Jay. He was shivering from the early October air, breath ghosting around his face in silky ribbons as he exhaled. His hair was likely a mess - a direct result of the dance practice from earlier in the evening, and then letting it air dry after his shower. He wondered, absently, if Jay could see the bags and shadows lining his eyes.
The silence overcame them. Jay closed the door behind him, keeping the warm air inside their dorm, and took a seat next to Jungwon on one of the seats that Riki had begged their manager for when they first moved in. Jungwon smiled, privately, thinking back to the early days of ENHYPEN. They’d all been so naive, thinking they were ready for whatever debut had to offer them. Maybe they were ready; Jungwon reflected, a little bitterly.
The others - maybe they were better cut out for it. The members themselves had seen how naturally their eldest controlled the stage even from the first time they met Heeseung. They’d all seen how Jake worked harder and harder to improve himself. They’d seen Sunoo’s resilience, Riki’s passion, Sunghoon’s effortless energy… Jay’s love and determination. But what about Jungwon? How had he shown them he was fit to lead them into success as ENHYPEN? Once upon a time, maybe even less than a year ago, Jungwon had known. Now, though? He wasn’t sure.
And so manifested Jungwon’s nagging fear. The fear he wasn’t right for this. Logically, he knew in himself that he was doing alright so far. He couldn’t let himself discredit his members’ belief in him, he trusted them enough to work hard as their leader. But the constant pressure couldn’t help but throw him off every now and then.
He felt Jay sigh next to him, ”Wonie.” He hummed in response. Another sigh.
”Yes, hyung?”
”Wh… What are you doing out here? It’s late, and cold… And you’re freezing,” Jay emphasised by breathing out heavily, watching as the air turn white and disappear into the moonlight.
Jungwon sent him what he hoped was a reassuring smile. “I’m not sure. Couldn’t sleep… I came out here to think.” Well, that was the truth, wasn’t it?
Jay furrowed his eyebrows slightly, but decided to entertain the younger, “Okay. What are you thinking about?”
”The moon.” He replied, taking his eyes off of Jay, like a trance being broken. He still felt the other’s stare clear as day, though.
”The… Moon…?” Jay repeated slowly, like he was waiting for a punchline. Jungwon just nodded his head, raising his vision up to the sky and staring back to the moon.
Finally, he felt Jay’s eyes shift away from his own face, and follow Jungwon’s up. The elder let out what sounded like a chuckle, and the sound effectively remedied the freezing air moving its way into Jungwon’s body. He’d always wondered the science behind that, if there was any. Jay just had that effect on people; on him.
Jungwon ignored that, and focused quietly, with an intense determination. He desperately felt like trying to listen through the empty, freezing vacuum of space. He thought of the man sat next to him, who had just been a boy when they’d met all those years ago, squabbling over taxi fares. Jungwon hoped he was doing enough as their leader, as Jay’s leader.
He felt Jay’s restlessness more than anything else, never one for sitting still in the face of a friend in pain. The members had all learned this very early on. Trying not to burden him with their worries only led to more stress for him, needing to do his ‘duties as a hyung’, or however he’d worded it.
Jungwon’s teeth chattered, though he doubted it was from the cold alone. “ Hyung…?” Jay hummed along, turning his head just so to look at Jungwon in the corner of his eye.
”Yes?”
”The real reason I’ve been out here all night… You can’t make fun of me, if I tell you.”
Jay sat up properly in his seat, looking ready to interject, until he turned to fully take Jungwon in. The younger had tears balancing on his waterline, brown eyes round and reflecting the moon light, pointedly ignoring Jay’s gaze.
”Jungwonie… I promise. I’d never do that, you know that right?” Jungwon sniffed, blaming the temperature, and nodded. Jay nodded too, turning back cautiously. He looked like he had more to say, but quieted back down for Jungwon.
“It’s just… I wonder if they’ve watched people live my life before… The stars, the sun, the moon - I mean.” He began with a shuddering breath. Better to just bite the bullet, right? “If they can hear us, have they heard someone asking the same questions? Making the same decisions? The decisions we’ve had to make. What would they do? Did-” Jungwon’s voice cracked. He closed his eyes: “Did they do better than me…?”
Jay’s full attention was focused solely on Jungwon, and he reached up a hand to wipe away the tears falling down his cheeks before the younger even knew he was crying. He held onto Jay’s hand as he let himself feel the hopelessness that had slowly been piling up.
”I wish there was a way I was able t-to know, or something… You know?” He managed out, being cut off quietly by Jay’s soothing voice shushing him and his strong arms pulling him into his chest.
Jungwon sniffed, and he would’ve been embarrassed about his scratchy throat were Jay anyone else in the world. But this was his Jay, one of his first friends when he joined HYBE, when he was terrified to chase his dreams into reality.
Jay’s hand fell into his hair as he slowly worked on the knots and mats, and Jungwon felt himself take a final steadying gulp.
”I… Hyung, I just want the members to feel supported by me. I want to know you guys are okay, and that I’m doing the best I can. But… How am I supposed to know this?” He pulled back slightly to meet Jay’s eyes, comforting and focused, though a little sleepy. “How am I supposed to know if… If I was the right decision for the group?”
They sat quietly for another moment, one of Jay’s hands travelling heavily up and down Jungwon’s back. Jungwon felt too ashamed to hold his stare. He’d voiced his darkest fears to his closest partner. Jay hadn’t spoken either. Was he regretting his choice, voting for Jungwon as their leader? What if he-
“Jungwon.” He called, so low it was almost a whisper. Like a magnet, Jungwon looked up.
Jay’s hands traveled up his back to take his jaw into both of his palms. And he kissed him. It was quick, a warm press of lips, and a blind of movement. But it happened. Jungwon stared, and Jay stared back. Neither of them made a move to widen the gap between their bodies, faces only inches apart.
”Was that okay?” Jay asked, hushed, but steady. Had he always been so calm?
Jungwon felt dazed, but he couldn’t help the giddy smile that crept onto his tingling lips. He nodded, though probably redundantly.
Jay breathed a laugh. “Can I kiss you? Well, again?” Jungwon nodded again.
This time, Jay’s lips were firmer, more sure. Jungwon shifted forward in his seat, meeting Jay as the cold air around them began warming up, thawing out his chilled bones. Jay moved one hand to the back of Jungwon’s neck as he nudged his mouth open a little wider, and Jungwon let out a breath through his nose at Jay deepening the kiss. The older made an attempt to move further forward and shift in his seat, before smacking his elbow on the side of the chair.
Jungwon couldn’t help the blissful laugh that bubbled up in him as he pulled away, giving Jay space to move how he wanted. He made a low sound at the back of his throat at the loss of Jungwon.
”Wonie,” Jay started, his voice low and gravely, “come here… Too far away over there.” Jungwon couldn’t help the way his belly lit up with butterflies and his face flushed at Jay’s tone. He took Jay’s outstretched hand and stood up, walking in front of him and pausing. Jay just stared up, his eyes dark and Jungwon blocking the light from the dorm.
“Have you never done this before?” Jay asked, but his voice wasn’t malicious, or mocking. Just completely focused on Jungwon, as the younger had become so accustomed to. Jungwon shook his head, and Jay smiled. “Okay.”
He held out both of his hands this time, and Jungwon took them both. He pulled on them gently, motioning for Jungwon to sit down where he was, currently positioned over his legs. Jungwon followed. He couldn’t count the amount of times they’d sat in this position before, but never in this way. Every nerve ending in his body seemed live, coursing with Jay, Jay, Jay.
“You okay?” Jay asked after Jungwon had settled down, sat in his lap.
“Yeah, I’m good… Really good, I think.”
They both laughed, and this time it was Jungwon who pulled Jay in. This kiss was different to the others, it felt to Jungwon like it was finally all those years, from becoming friends, to competitors, to colleagues and now… Whatever this was, all coming together. Jay placed his hands on Jungwon’s waist around him as he pulled him closer, their body heat radiating off one another.
Jungwon felt like he couldn’t breathe in the best way possible, and he moved one hand up to curl into the shorter shaven nape of Jay’s neck. He experimented a little, digging his hands in and pulling just slightly. He was greeted with a quiet groan from Jay which made Jungwon positively glow. Jay nipped at Jungwon’s lower lip in retaliation, taking advantage of the small whimper the younger let out to lick across the wound.
Jungwon gasped, a sound Jay’s mouth swallowed, and wrapped an arm around the older’s strong shoulders in an attempt to get impossibly closer to him. Jay tested the waters, running his tongue across the length of Jungwon’s lip. Jungwon’s body reacted before his mind even did, opening his mouth wider and pushing forward into Jay.
He managed to pull back hardly a centimeter before Jungwon followed him and chased the same contact. Jay made a humming noise and placed a hand on Jungwon’s chest, just above his thrumming heartbeat. He pulled back again and Jungwon let him go, hazy eyes watching the line of spit that connected their mouths.
“Is this alright too? Not… Too much?” Jungwon’s heart melted slightly, nodding his head and Jay grinned, swooping back down and capturing his lips once again.
Jungwon picked up the pace, their mouths moving together once more as Jay seemingly read his mind, flicking his tongue back against Jungwon’s mouth, and licking into him. Jungwon moved his hands down Jay’s shoulders, choosing instead to take his time liberally running his hands up and down his toned arms, tanned skin complimented by the faint light of the dorm.
Jay took Jungwon’s bottom lip between his own and sucked down slowly, the pressure making Jungwon’s pulse thud in his head and threaten to crash as Jay let go, kissing his bruised lip before letting his mouth slide back against the younger’s. Jungwon took this as a challenge and shifted in Jay’s lap, pushing the older all the way back into his chair as they slotted chest-to-chest. He hummed quietly, hoping Jay got the hint and soon enough Jungwon’s tongue replaced Jay’s in the other’s mouth, licking across his teeth and revelling in the small sounds Jay was making.
Jungwon wriggled again in Jay’s lap, more by accident than anything, and the older let out a small hiss at the contact, sliding his warm hands up Jungwon’s back underneath his shirt. Jungwon couldn’t stop the way his cheeks flamed and he cautiously shifted once more, feeling something solid right where his ass had been settled over Jay’s lap.
Jay held him still as he caught on, his big hands reaching around either side of Jungwon’s waist. “Jungwon-ah… Stop a sec,” Jay muttered out, panting more than anything. Jungwon was equally out of breath. He was about to apologise for going too far, getting up to move out of Jay’s lap, embarrassed, before the older’s hands tightened once more, just enough pressure around his waist to pause Jungwon.
“You, uh, don’t have to move. If you don’t want to…” He sounded unsure, but looked up at the boy on his lap with as much love as Jungwon had ever seen in a person. He hummed, smiling at Jay sweetly before pressing an innocent kiss to his swollen red lips.
“Okay,” he whispered.
“I… I didn’t mean to, you know…” Jay gestured down to where Jungwon was seated, and he at least had the decency to look a little bit embarrassed. Jungwon thought he was beautiful.
He moved his hands back to Jay’s face, allowing himself to follow the defined lines of his cheekbones, his straight nose and heavy eyebrows, his strong jaw. Jungwon grinned again. “It’s okay, I don’t mind, hyung.”
It was Jay’s turn to flush, his skin glowing in the low light outside. “You can’t just… say stuff like that, Won-ah.”
Jungwon replied with a laugh and moved his fingers from where they’d been leisurely taking in Jay’s features, down to the small, pretty heart-shaped birthmark on his neck. He outlined it with a finger tip, feeling Jay’s racing heartbeat, faintly. He moved his eyes back up to his face and found Jay’s eyes already on him.
“You’re beautiful, Jungwon.”
Blown pupils followed Jungwon as he preened under Jay’s gaze, his eyes sparkling lowly. He had no idea when Jay had become so smooth talking. He just shook his head, the small beam on his face becoming permanent, and dipped down to Jay’s neck to place a kiss against the birthmark. Jungwon felt Jay’s responding exhale ruffle his hair, slightly, and he nipped the patch skin quickly before pulling back away.
Jay was wearing a similar smile too, his hands travelling up to his own neck, and taking Jungwon’s own. He slotted their fingers together, interlocking them and then pressing kisses to each of Jungwon’s knuckles. The younger fought a giggle as Jay’s lips and breath tickled his skin. He moved his head up this time to meet Jungwon, placing the next kiss directly onto his lips. This time, they moved slower, Jungwon letting himself get lost in Jay’s taste, Jay’s smell, Jay’s touch.
Jay licked up into his mouth again, but kept pulling back every so often, driving Jungwon crazy. The older moved his attention away from Jungwon’s mouth, opting to pepper wet, open-mouthed kisses along the sides of his lips, and his cheek, until he reached the junction of his neck. Jungwon tugged Jay’s hair once again, lifting his head even higher and offering his neck. Jay’s laugh ghosted along his burning skin in the freezing air. He kissed up against the side of Jungwon’s jaw, just below his ear, and took the skin into his mouth harshly. Jungwon probably should have been embarrassed about the high pitched throaty noise he was letting out, but this was his Jay.
Jay continued moving slowly down his throat, alternating between sucking his skin, open kisses and small pecks, here and there. He didn’t let himself get carried away enough to leave any marks. Too many questions.
The heat moved away from his neck as Jay grinned at him sweetly again, holding a hand up to brush Jungwon’s sweaty bangs out of his face, before finally he placed one, two, three, four, five, six kisses along the line of his forehead. Jungwon felt drunk as he blushed down at his hyung.
“There, one for each of us,” Jay replied, whispering, and running the back of a finger along where he had just kissed Jungwon’s head. Jay’s eyes hardened slightly, as he sat straight in hit seat, taking Jungwon’s hands back into his own. “Jungwonie, listen to me. The six of us are infinitely lucky to have you as our leader. You’ve done nothing for the past two years except put us first, our needs, always. Without fail, you manage to know what we need before we even do. There’s no one who could do your job better than you.”
Jungwon let himself feel the warmth in his heart at Jay’s words. He had really been trying to do his best for them, no matter what. He stared into Jay’s intense brown eyes, feeling overwhelmed with… Love. He felt his member’s love through the words, through the six phantom spots on his forehead. Jungwon squeezed his eyes shut so as not to let even more tears fall that night. Jay chuckled quietly and continued.
“Who knows if the stars have seen this before. They won’t be able to make the hard decisions for us - for you. We’re gonna have to get through it together, like we have so far, all of us together. And we’re gonna have you to lead us, Won, and we’re gonna be there to take care of you, too. We chose you for this, Jungwonie, because we believe in you. We know you’re made for this.” Jay brushed his thumbs under Jungwon’s tired eyes, following his fingers with light kisses. “Okay?”
Jungwon nodded, feeling his throat clench. He opened his eyes once more, watery and blurry, but nothing could have clouded the fond glow of Jay sat in front of him, waiting for him, as he always has. He couldn’t trust his voice to thank Jay properly, so he wrapped his arms around his shoulders again and pressed their lips together. Jay hugged his waist and kissed him back, his chilled finger tips on Jungwon’s sides, comforting him.
It was never going to be easy for him, Jungwon knew this the moment his name was called as a member of ENHYPEN, or when he was named their leader, or even when they won their first or last awards. But at least with his members next to him, with his Jay, he’d have the strength to go on, and fight for them.