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This was not good. This was very, very not good. Peter had always been concerned over what would happen Aunt May and Wade ever met, if those two worlds collided. The worst had run through his head, pictures of a cowering Aunt May, a scorned Wade, or a secret being revealed tormented him whenever he had the chance to worry.
None of his fears came true. As it turns out, Wade and May were getting along great. Famously, in fact.
It's worse than anything Peter could have possibly imagined.
Of course, this blossoming friendship had started with a plethora of embarrassing stories. Aunt May had Peter's awkward teen years in her arsenal, and Wade had the (slightly edited) tales of failure from when Peter was in the mask. Together, they were an unstoppable force of mortification. Aunt May was wiping tears from her eyes and clutching her sides from laughter, Wade snorted so hard he nearly choked (not that he can choke, but you get the picture), and said subject of these totally exaggerated anecdotes was not. amused.
It got worse when the jokes started. Oh god, the jokes. Peter really needed to invest on inventing brain bleach. See, Peter had this mental image of May that was just rapidly being destroyed. For someone who he had always known as an incredibly kind hearted, sweet, older woman that taught him how to be all the best parts of himself, that woman had a mouth. And a much dirtier sense of humor than he ever needed to be aware of. Not only could she keep up with Wade's ramblings, but she actually outpaced him, and her jokes were more depraved. When Wade picked up on Peter's internal screaming, the dick had just rolled his eyes, laughed, and said, “Oh no, your poor virgin ears.”
And then there was the flirting. Peter knew that Wade was a flirt. The merc wasn't exactly subtle, he flirted with everything and everyone, even when he really, really shouldn't. For some insane reason, Peter thought this wouldn't extend to beloved maternal figure. There were boundaries, lines that shouldn't be crossed, but this was Deadpool, and Peter should've known better. The worst part, the absolute worst part, is that Aunt May flirted back, and Pete kinda wanted to strangle someone. Or at least punch something. But lo and behold, a certain Mr. Wilson had convinced him not to pack his costume because “Dude, it's vacation,” plus Aunt May was here, so the option of punching a mugger was currently unavailable.
And then, Peter had thought the culmination of terribleness would've been the somewhat drunken karaoke duet of “Kokomo” with an emphatic cheer from the crowd every time “Bahama” was mentioned. But no, the most stunningly awful thing about this stunningly awful friendship was that his sixty something year old Aunt (who had had one too many Pina Coladas, no thanks to Wade) was just blatantly trying to set him up with Wade, which, timing, Aunt May. He hadn't exactly missed the skeptical raise of an eyebrow directed at Wade when all three of them took to separate rooms. He also didn't exactly miss the shrug that Wade gave in response, to which Aunt May gave a pointed look towards Peter, to which Wade smirked and said “Later,” to which Aunt May gave a nod of approval. Guys, he was right there. And Wade, being the little shit that he was, was doing nothing to deny the frankly ludicrous (okay, so not really that ludicrous, considering, um, things, but Aunt May didn't know about any of that. Wait, did she? Holy crap, if Aunt May knew, he was going to break his own personal code of honor and straight up murder Wade. Unkillable his ass.) notion of them being together.
It was going to be a long vacation.