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Okay, so here's the problem.
Ha. The problem. As if there was only one.
Okay, so here's the list of current problems:
-Peter was just a tiny little bit absolutely and completely in love with Wade
-Wade almost certainly had similar feelings for him
those two things weren't necessarily a problem in of themselves, because, hey, having feelings reciprocated was kind of nice, except that
- 95% of the media, including the goddamn motherfucking Daily fuckin' Bugle where he was currently employed, you guys, already thought Deadpool and Spider-man were a couple
- That 95% percent also included Aunt May, who, despite being his support system for basically all of his life, was currently being unhelpful (How well Wade and Aunt May had gotten along was an issue for another day)
- Deadpool was also being unhelpful, yet the media were eating up his words
- Fuckin' Match Head was adding fuel to the flames, both literally and metaphorically
and for the grand finale, the big kicker, the grand culmination of confusion and disgust,
- Deadpool kills people for a living
That last one really was the issue, wasn't it? Peter was pretty damn anti-killing, and killing was literally Deadpool's livelihood, and it was absolutely repulsive.
The man himself, unfortunately (fortunately?), was not repulsive. Quite the opposite, in fact. And the tight-fitting spandex and dresses were not helping. AND no one was exactly discouraging him from grabbing that (admittedly fine) ass and making it his.
Except without an extreme paradigm shift in one of their systems of morals, it wasn't going to work out. Peter knew that he wasn't going to change his stance on killing, so that meant that Wade was going to have to change his career trajectory.
And oh god, wasn't that a tempting thought. Just like the love interest character in every terrible romance novel, a part of Peter thought that he could bring about that change. After all, having support, having people that loved and cared about him brought him back from the edge, why couldn't it work for Wade? Except that he had never crossed that line. Except that he had been pulled back when he was fifteen and the act of killing wasn't entrenched in habit for years of his life. Except Peter wasn't sure that he could be louder than the voices in Wade's head, those awful, awful voices that Pete had only briefly been exposed to, but still had nightmares about.
So yeah. This was fun.
Pete's body and mind were telling him that he was compromised, that he needed to lie down in bed and maaaaybeeee scream into his pillow until he tired himself out and fell asleep. Instinct, however, told him to keep going, to go on patrol and go to work and punch people (hey, he was anti-killing. He was not, however, completely a pacifist.) and keep moving at all costs. Judging by the way he was hurriedly shoving on his costume for the night, instinct was winning out.
So of course, in his struggle to quiet down his thoughts and lose himself in the city, he ended up tearing his suit. With sigh, he bitterly added “used up last of costume budget and will now have to dip into food budget” to his current mental list of problems. God, he was tired of being broke. Maybe once some of the dust settled, he could swallow his pride (because he had never swallowed his pride over a financial situation) and ask Wade to contribute to the “Help Spider-man not starve” fund. (He could ask Johnny, but he still hadn't sunk that low) Hell, with rent money, Wade already was. Holy shit, despite Peter's determination to be as independent as possible, he was essentially getting a monthly allowance from Wade. Oh god if they became involved Wade would essentially be his sugar daddy.
And for some reason, in Pete's poor overworked, confused, and incredibly sleep-deprived mind, that thought was fucking hilarious. Terrible, but hilarious. A hysterical laugh rose out of his throat, followed by several more until he was clutching his sides, breathless and on the edge of tears. That was, of course, when Wade popped his head in and said, “You alright there, Bambi? I thought I heard actual mirth and merriment coming from your room, so I'm guessing you've been replaced with the chameleon.”
He was going to flip Wade off, he really was, except when he sighed and looked up from his current position on the floor, Wade wasn't wearing his mask, and, well, a completely unwelcome wave of affection hit him. As it turned out, he was a total sucker for Wade not wearing his mask, because it meant that Wade felt safe, and that he trusted Peter. Judging by his spidey-sense, he trusted Wade a pretty decent amount as well.
Fuck.
He was in too deep. And it had been like three minutes since he Wade had asked him a question, so he replied, “Yeah, I'm good. Just thought of stupid meme.”
It was a lie, but it wasn't exactly a stretch of the imagination. Still, Wade looked looked skeptical as he replied, “Okay. Well, holler if ya need anything, and there's oatmeal raisin cookies in the kitchen.”
“Oatmeal raisin cookies are the spawn of Satan and have no place in a decent society and are responsible for the trust issues and lack of empathy present within our generation.”
Wade gave a smirk as he leaned back from the door frame, giving the commentary of, “Yep, still Peter,” before heading off.
As he watched Wade head off, he realized that while inconvenient, it wasn't exactly outlandish for him to have fallen for the man. For one, their senses of humor, while not the same, per se, (Wade could be a bit disturbing while Peter at least tried to keep it PG-13, think of the kids, man) clicked rather well. There weren't many people that could not only keep up with his sarcasm and sling of pop culture references, but actively encouraged it instead of rolling their eyes and telling him to grow up. The verbal sparring match was enjoyable, and he tended to befriend those people pretty instantly.
Then there was the admirable resilience that Wade possessed. Wade could go through absolutely incredible amounts of pain, the kind that would leave Peter essentially non-functional, and still crack a joke and smile for the camera. His ability to roll with the punches, even if some of said punches were more parabolic than anything, was better than anyone else he had ever met. Deep down, he knew Wade internalized a lot of the jabs that heroes would fling at him, and the fact that he hadn't exactly stopped that brought on a good old fashioned feeling of Parker guilt.
Said guilt didn't exactly help with the next item on the list of “reasons why Peter was having a lot of conflicting feelings about Wade”. Because the thing was, despite everything, Wade still looked at him like he was a hero, like he was still the epitome of goodness and righteousness (which, let's be real, that was Captain America, not him), and that idea was intoxicating. He was almost positive that Gwen had had the same look, right up until...
Nope. Dark place. Not going there right now.
That was another thing though, wasn't it? Wade had a knack for pulling him out of those dark places. Sure, his methods weren't exactly traditional, and tended to involve bad flirting, terrible jokes, and shitty food, but it was exactly what he needed.
Combine all those factors, and you got Peter's rather strong urge to say “fuck it” and kiss Wade like both of their lives depended on it. However, that was almost (almost being a very, very dangerous word here) always outweighed by the wash of nausea and bitter taste in his mouth when he even thought about Wade's line of work.
So. Yeah. Without something incredibly dramatic happening, Peter was just going to have to get over it. Which was going to be a bit difficult considering he lived with the guy, and everyone was insisting they were already a couple, but he had faced worse. A groan escaped when he realized just how much pining was going to be in his foreseeable future, but as long as he kept going, it should be manageable. With a new bout of determination, he pulled down his mask, leapt out the window, and silently hoped for a distraction.