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It was two days after their talk on the rooftop.
Ayan was running on two hours of sleep, having been tormented by his regular nightmares the night before. He had been standing on the cliff again with his uncle close to the edge, only this time, when he fell, the image had shifted and he had caught a glimpse of blue on the arm of the figure before it disappeared. He had woken up screaming and sobbing, and was too scared to go back to sleep after. Right now, this decision was biting him in the ass. He was too tired to pay attention to the class, opting to focus on Akk’ pen scraping the paper in a busy, but somehow calming rhythm.
In the past two days, the pair had used every opportunity available to spent time together, Ayan being the clingy boyfriend he was always meant to be. Akk always acted annoyed, but they both knew that his not-at-all hidden smiles meant he actually enjoyed the contact.
Ayan was just contemplating how he would pester his way into Akk’s apartment after school this time, when he saw a slight movement next to his elbow. Akk had turned his notebook so that Ayan could see a note scribbled into the lower corner. It read: I made too much soup yesterday. Do you want to eat it with me after school?
Ayan was delighted at Akk finally making the first move. He nodded enthusiastically, earning himself a light kick to his calf, Akk jerking his head to Teacher Sani in admonishment.
Which is how he found himself sitting in Akk’s bedroom, a steaming bowl of soup in front of him and his boyfriend beside him.
Even though they were seated on different sides of Akk’s small table, they were still close enough for Ayan to feel the other’s body heat. He was always so warm. Ayan had to resist the urge to lean against him and press his always slightly cold cheeks into Akk’s chest. He also always smelled faintly of the salty sea breeze he had grown up in. The smell never failed to calm Ayan down.
Now though, Akk looked tired and sullen, as he had often had in the past two days. From his seat beside in class, Ayan had often been the only witness to Akk zoning out before the start of class, absentmindedly stroking uncle Di’s necklace that was still dangling around his neck.
Akk raised his head from his bowl of soup and looked up at Ayan, eyes roaming over his face. He seemed to want to say something. Ayan waited patiently for him to start speaking. Akk cleared his throat. “You look pale today.”, he finally began. “Have you been eating enough? Did you get enough sleep? Are you having nightmares again? Does your mom know about it?”
Ayan had to chuckle at the onslaught of questions. Leave it to his boyfriend to keep nagging him even while he’s concerned about him.
Ayan sighed. He didn’t want to burden the stressed out boy more than he already was, but since Akk was so worried about him he would answer him honestly.
“I didn’t sleep very well today, and yes, I had a nightmare. Don’t tell mae please, I don’t want to worry her.” And because he needed to make sure Akk was okay too, he added: ”What about you? You look just as terrible as me. I’m worried about you.”
He hoped that would be enough to make Akk talk, really talk, without hiding behind the bullshit “I’m just a little stressed, it’s nothing”-excuse he always used to shut down any of their classmates’ questions. It reminded him so much of his uncle that he had to suppress a shiver every time Akk said that.
The worry and urgency he felt must have reflected in his eyes, because Akk looked away, took a deep breath and started talking, hesitant at first, then more rushed as he went on.
“Things weren’t always this complicated, you know? When I first became head prefect, things were nice at first. Teacher Chadok trusted me, and Teacher Dika was always there to help with the work. But after he… left”, he choked out the last word, not used to the thought of Dika gone forever. “things became difficult. Teacher Chadok became easily irritable, the World Remembers gang started acting up and there was no one to help me deal with them.
And then you.”, Akk had to smile at that. Then he continued.
“Things were going south, but I always thought: ‘Just another year, then I can leave this school’. I just had to hold on a little longer, till graduation. But now, I don’t know anymore, if I can.” He looked up, and the expression on his face made Ayan’s stomach drop.
“It’s just so much.”, Akk finished weakly.
And if that wasn’t terrifying. Ayan was suddenly transported back to the cliff, icy fear gripping his heart at the thought of another person he loved unable to go on with their life. Again, he wanted to say something, anything to make it better, but nothing came out. “Akk.”, he somehow choked out. He could only stare at him, hands reaching out, desperate to feel any part of him.
Akk’s eyes widened at the sight of him. He quickly grabbed his shoulders. “Aye. Aye, look at me. I swear I didn’t mean it like that. Your hear me?” Akk cradled his face in his hands and continued softly: “I’m not going anywhere. I promise. I want to live. I want to stay with you, and I will, okay? I’m not leaving you behind.”
His eyes were honest when he said it, and Ayan nodded, breathing in relief. He moved closer to Akk and slumped against him. His boyfriend slung an arm around his waist, the other moving from his cheek into his hair, playing with it gently.
“How can I help?”, he asked, voice muffled against Akk’s shoulder.
“I don’t know.”, came the whispered reply. A beat. “We’ll figure it out together. Right?”
“Right.” Ayan promised, and held on a little tighter. He would do just about anything to lessen the weight on his boyfriend’s shoulders. Anything to keep Chadok from hurting him further.
They stayed like this for a while, exchanging whispered assurances. They promised that they would stay together and be there for each other, no matter what Suppalo threw at them. They repeated that promise until it was ingrained in their minds and hearts, until Ayan could be sure that Akk wouldn’t follow in his uncle’s footsteps.
They parted slightly so that they could look at each other. Then Akk’s eyes shifted from Ayan’s, lower onto his lips. He leaned forward, movements slightly jerky. Ayan closed his eyes.
A gentle touch of lips, then Akk started to pull away again. Not yet. thought Ayan, and pressed forward, kissing Akk harder this time. His hand found its way to the juncture of Akk’s shoulders and neck, mindful not to touch his shoulders. From all the time he had spent together alone with Akk since they had started dating, Ayan had noticed that his boyfriend tensed up whenever he had put a hand on his shoulder. One day, he would ask him about it. For now though, he was more than willing to lose himself completely in the kiss.
When they parted, Ayan was greeted with Akk’s wide smile, his eyes crinkled at the corners adorably. The taller boy moved to kiss his cheek softly, braver this time, and Ayan all but melted at the contact.
Then Akk turned back to his bowl and started eating again, motioning for Ayan to do the same.
The rest of the meal passed with less heavy conversation, the room being filled with their usual banter, twin smiles visible on their faces. After doing the dishes together Akk sat them down at his desk to do their chemistry assignment. Akk fell asleep for a few minutes while they were working. When he woke up, he scowled at Ayan for not waking him. Ayan could only giggle and tease him for being cute when he was sleeping. What was it that made him so giddy whenever Akk berated him? He didn’t know.
When he looked out of the balcony window after they were done, he was surprised to find it was already getting dark outside.
With Akk, hours always seemed to pass by like seconds. His presence was calming and exhilarating at once, making it easy for Ayan to devote all his attention to him. It didn’t make him forget about the pain of losing his uncle –nothing could make him forget Dika– or about the difficulties that awaited them at school, but it made things easier. With Akk, he didn’t think about what he could have done to save uncle Di, or how he could best avenge him. Just existing beside Akk, he felt like that was enough.
They hadn’t talked about it, but they were in silent agreement that Ayan would spend the night. He reveled in the domesticity of their newly developed night routine: Ayan would shower first, taking some of Akk’s clothes. Akk was up next, and once he opened the bathroom door for Ayan, they would brush their teeth together. And if he spent those three minutes admiring Akk’s face in the mirror, the other didn’t comment on it.
As they laid in bed, arms touching, faces turned to the side, Akk spoke. “It’s so easy to be myself around you. It scared me at first. It still does, a little. But it’s nice.”
And suddenly Ayan understood what Akk was trying to do. The unprompted invitation for dinner. The way he seemed to smile at him more and more brightly with every passing day. And finally, this admission. Akk was opening up to him. Deliberately.
A wave of affection for his boyfriend washed over Ayan. This beautiful, closed off boy who could make the rest of the world fall away just by looking at him like this. He was trying so hard to communicate with him, prying himself open like an oyster because he knew Ayan wanted to hear him. Ayan had seen him freeze up, understood just how difficult it must be for Akk to speak his mind openly. Yet he was trying, for him, and the thought made him warm all over.
Is this how you’re going to do it, Akk? Tell me how you feel about me one thought at a time? he wanted to ask, but kept his mouth shut, afraid of undoing all the progress that they made and making his boyfriend retreat back into his shell. He didn’t mind going slow with Akk; he would wait forever, for him.
“I like it.” he answered simply. “When you’re yourself.”
When Akk looked away, trying to keep the corners of his mouth from turning upwards, Ayan turned to the side and threw an arm around his middle. His boyfriend groaned, but adjusted himself so that his back was against Ayan’s chest.
He felt Akk relax in his arms, and soon, Ayan drifted off to sleep, nose pressed against his boyfriend’s neck, surrounded by his smell.