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Tommy knew Technoblade since the day he was born. Technoblade was his everything. Technoblade was someone he could go crying to whenever he was sad. Technoblade was someone that would listen to him when he needed it most. Technoblade was his personal knight and if he dared to say, maybe even his father. He loved Technoblade. He promises he does. Tommy would die for Technoblade. Tommy would do anything for his father. Who wouldn't?
Is what Tommy would have said a year ago. A year ago, Tommy was devoted to Techno. He had loved the piglin. However, he also loved his best friend. His brother. Tubbo. Tommy loved Tubbo as much as he loved Technoblade. He’d do anything for Tubbo, Tubbo was by his side since he was little. Tubbo knew more about him than anyone else, even Technoblade. Tubbo knew his deepest insecurities, his worries and intrusive thoughts. Tommy loved Tubbo. So when Tommy needed to choose between his two closest family members, he chose Tubbo. He knew how hurt Technoblade was. But Techno was making him choose between family. Techno had killed his family. Techno had hurt his family and for that, he couldn’t go with Techno. He went with Tubbo for a numerous of reasons and he was happy he did, but his heart aches for Technoblade’s warm hugs again. Tommy yearned for the warm potatoes Techno would make every Sunday evening. Tommy longed for the bedtime readings he’d get every night. Tommy wanted to be loved again.
He hasn’t felt love in a long time. Ever since he had died and been revived, Tubbo was cold and distant, like Tommy wasn’t his Tommy anymore and Tommy guesses Tubbo is right. Tommy’s hair was a dull, mute gold with streaks of white hair all over, his once bright blue eyes were a stormy grey and his skin was white as snow. Tommy was more jumpy as well, he couldn’t even look at a full potato without wanting to break down. Tommy was pathetic now. Tommy wasn’t his Tommy. So maybe that’s what brought him to the nether, scrounging for a very certain. Maybe that’s what motivated to go see Technoblade just one more time, knowing the man would love him no matter what. Knowing Techno wouldn’t care about what he looked like.
But what if Techno did care? What if Techno hated his once gold hair, now turned a disgusting sandy yellow. What if Techno hated his grey eyes, ones that didn’t sparkle like sapphires.
Tommy was nervous and anxious and all those disgusting emotions mixed into one. They swirled and swished in his stomach, some threatening to overflow his body and make him puke them all up, but Tommy was strong. Tommy was strong and he could most certainly face Technoblade. But why couldn’t he move? Tommy was close to the portal, so close. He could practically feel the bitter cold nipping at his fingers. But every time he’d try to step forward and go through it, harsh words would repeat in his head.
“ You want to be a hero, Tommy? Then die like one. “
Who was to say Technoblade wouldn’t kill him on the spot? Who was to say Technoblade would actually comfort him? Tommy was hanging onto a loose, a very loose string that was about to snap. He slumped down beside the portal and sobbed. He sobbed for his inner child, he sobbed for the hurt exile boy. He screamed for Technoblade, he yelled for Tubbo. Tommy cried for himself.
Nothing, would ever be the same. He wouldn’t be held by Technoblade the same as he once was. He wouldn’t talk to Tubbo the same. Tommy’s whole life had crumbled beneath him and there was nothing he could do. No matter what he choosed, it was a lose lose situation. There was no winning and Tommy was a loser. He screamed out sobs. He felt no more like a child desperately calling out for someone that would never come, yet he still tried. He still tried to call out for Technoblade, even if his words made no sense and he was putting himself in far more danger than he realizes.
The sounds of the portal right next to him being used made him stop his sobbing. He curled up in a tight ball, hoping it wasn’t Technoblade. Tommy didn’t want the man to see him this pathetic, even if Tommy was fully planning on breaking down in the olders arms. That was on his own time. Not Techno’s. So when he heard that dreaded,
“ Theseus? “
He wanted to scream. Tommy just whimpered and curled in on himself tighter. He could see Technoblade lean down and he could feel the olders hands on him. Tommy let out a broken sob as he was slowly lifted up into strong arms, the same same arms that cradled him when he was younger. The same arms that protected him from nightmares and bad dreams. The same arms that protected him from Dream. Techno ever so carefully stepped inside the portal, keeping Tommy close to his chest to reduce as much nausea as possible. Tommy sobbed at how kind Techno was being.
Tommy could immediately feel the cold as soon as they stepped out of the portal. Tommy whined, a high pitched one and started to squirm. He wanted down, he really did. He didn’t want to be so vulnerable in front of Technoblade, it was embarrassing. He hiccuped as he let out sobs. Tommy didn’t want to be treated like this. He didn’t want to be reminded of what he couldn’t have, he didn’t want to be held by someone who betrayed him. He didn’t want to be held by someone he betrayed. Techno only shushed him, tucking him away in his cape. Why was Techno being so cruel? Techno should know that they hate each other. That Tommy hates him.
He grips tight onto Technoblade’s shirt.
He hated Techno. He hated the soft, comforting chuff’s the man was letting out. He hated the gentle back rubs and silent whispers. Tommy hated Techno.
So why was he letting himself be taken into the man’s home? Why did he let Techno set him down in front of the fire and wrap him in his cape? Tommy choked out a louder sob as he tightened the cape around him. Why was Techno being so, so cruel. He could feel Techno sit behind him and start brushing his hair, unknotting it and trying to get out any mats. He was talking but Tommy didn’t want to hear it. Techno asked him a question yet Tommy didn’t respond or register it. He could only sob.
Techno had carefully put Tommy back in his arms, gently grabbing his chin,
“ Theseus, answer me, please, “ Techno begged.
Tommy sniffled.
“ I need to know why you were outside my portal. Were you in danger? Is someone following you? “ Techno questioned, but to Tommy, it felt like an interrogation. It felt like Techno was enraged with him, like if Tommy wasn’t careful with his words he’d die.
Tommy hated feeling like this.
“ I don’t know, “ is all Tommy could say.
Techno pulled his lips into a thin line, or, as thin as he could. The tusks made it a bit harder for him to do that. Tommy couldn’t help the tiny giggle as he carefully pressed on one.
They were dull. Not sharp like they used to be. Sure, they could still hurt if Techno bit, but Techno wouldn’t bite right now. Tommy showed no signs of struggle, yet. Techno let out an amused sigh as he let Tommy press and rub his tusks. Tommy carefully took his hands away, his sad look returning on his face. Techno let out a chuckle.
“ You look like a sad puppy, “ he said while squishing Tommy’s cheeks.
Tommy let out a wet laugh, rubbing his eyes a little. Techno, however, also frowned a bit after. Tommy tensed. Techno looked upset. Tommy curled in on himself a bit.
“ Theseus, there has to be a reason, “ Techno mumbled, looking at him with a serious look.
Tommy couldn’t lie to Technoblade. He never could. It hurt too much.
“ I missed you, “ Tommy confessed, “ It hurt so fucking much. Tubbo doesn’t treat me normally, he acts like I’m a different person- Am I different person? I don’t fucking know. He most certainly is a different person, he’s- “ Tommy paused to let a few more tears roll out of his eyes, “ - He’s not the same as before. “
Techno stared at him. He looked like he was thinking hard. It took the man a few minutes, the same concentrated look on his face all throughout it. When he finally spoke, Tommy was afraid it was going to be a lecture, but what hit his ears were different. Techno used a soft yet stern voice.
“ Do you regret going with him? “
Tommy paused. He didn’t. He really, really didn’t. Even if Tubbo was being weird right now, he can’t bring himself to regret it. Even if he’s upset.
“ No, I don’t, “ Tommy whispers.
Techno stared, before nodding. Tommy almost sighed with relief. However, that relief was soon turned into confusion when he was suddenly engulfed in a hug.
“ I wish you would regret it, so then I can forgive you properly but you don’t — “ Techno sighs, “ —But I do forgive you. Not all the way, but I can’t ever stay mad at you for that long, “ Techno explains.
Tommy sobs. He grips tight onto Techno. Techno lets out comforting chuff, holding Tommy impossibly close,
“ I’ll love you forever, even when I’m upset, “ Techno whispers.
There were many unspoken words, yet with just that sentence, Tommy knew.
Tommy sobs hard, burying his face into Technoblade’s neck. He missed Technoblade. He missed his knight, his father and here he was.
“ I love you too. “