Work Text:
reigen hated letting his guard down.
he supposed it was a result of his job; he learned to put on a charismatic farce, a facade of a confident businessman who knew exactly what he was doing. he poised himself as loud, stylish, always ready to talk. a leader, even.
he knew he was a liar.
when he came home, he knew. he knew the role he had built for himself, this persona of his that he'd carefully created and built up over the years was a fake. nothing more than an act, a mask to hide the man brimming with misery behind it.
he couldn't explain it. he couldn't explain the weight in his heart everytime he came home, the emptiness he felt when he was alone with his thoughts only in his tiny apartment. he chalked it up to exhaustion at the end of the day.
but he never let it show. by the time he clocked into his office he always walked in with a fabricated grin from ear-to-ear and a spring in his step, as if his office was the happiest place on earth.
he never let his guard down. he hated it when he did.
so that's why he felt so uncomfortable around serizawa.
around him, he found his act slipping. how he'd find his mind drifting to the man just a little bit too much. how he'd find himself relaxing around the taller too easily when it was just the two of them. how he'd exchange one too many soft smiles with him, how his expression would soften just looking at him.
it made his stomach churn.
he didn't want serizawa to see the uglier parts of him. the breakdowns, the anxiety, the insecurity, he didn't want to let serizawa see any of it. he feared serizawa's perspective of him changing, of becoming something negative, something of pity, or worse yet, something true. he feared serizawa seeing right through him, of serizawa knowing the sad, sad truth about him, of serizawa being able to break him down and turn over every part of him and see him at his most vulnerable.
no, he couldn't handle the thought. the thought of being anything but serizawa's confident, dependable boss made him sick.
quite literally, may he add, finding himself curled over a toilet bowl and an awful taste in his mouth.
did you think he was kidding when he said all these emotions made him sick, when he said his emotions nauseated him? of course not; it's happened a handful of times before, it'll happen god-knows-how-many-times again. the last time he remembered himself throwing up like this, though, was the time when he and mob had fallen out of contact, when he was all alone with no one around him. it's gotten that bad again, huh?
it's these moments where reigen knew he was at his weakest point.
truthfully, he felt just as alone in this moment as he did all those months ago. his apartment was small, dark, quiet, suffocating. no one would be there to comfort him, to hold him and tell him it was okay, but it's not like he wasn't used to it. it's not like he hasn't broken down in the dark space of his own home alone before, he's done it plenty of times. it's not like he hasn't spent nights hugging himself, shaking with quiet sobs he didn't dare let slip almost as if someone would hear him. he didn't understand why he always attempted to quiet his own sobs; no one was there, anyways. no one would hear him cry.
even still, he found himself craving the comfort, aching for arms to embrace him and let him sob into its chest; and whose but none other than serizawa's.
but the thought was immediately snuffed, gone as soon as he thought of it, met with fingertips digging into scalp as reigen shook his head, pit in his stomach as he attempted to dispel the thoughts. "disgusting," he thought. "just how horrible of a person can you be," his mind continued, "thinking of your own co-worker like that. taking advantage of him, his feelings, his attachment towards you, his kindness. taking advantage of your position in power, falling in love with him. what kind of sick fuck are you?"
he knew this was the truth.
he knew he was a liar. he knew he was rotten, someone with a deceitful heart at his very core. he knew his entire "self" he put forward was an act, something superficial. he knew he was awful, a horrible person. he knew he was a liar.
the true self, his true self, the sort of person on display right now, was a sad display of a man. insecure, anxious, good for nothing. acting like he knows what he's doing just so he can mean something to someone. going along with wherever he's pulled and trying to make some bullshit out of it, only to trap himself in a corner and dig his own grave. unable to even give up because he knows his stupid pride wouldn't let him. pushing the people he loves away because he doesn't want to let them go, like the selfish piece of shit he is. everything he does to keep them with them is pointless, because he'll drive them away in the end one way or another.
this version of reigen, the person that would be called arataka, was one serizawa could never love. arataka was a cruel, miserable man. there was no denying that. he didn't deserve serizawa's love. he didn't even deserve to entertain the thought of it in his head.
in the end, he had to keep this facade of reigen up. because he couldn't afford to spill his guts to serizawa.
if he did, he would be met with kindness, of all things, and the idea of that shook his very core, filled him with terror. the idea of serizawa treating him kindly even after finding out his true nature frightened him. he didn't deserve kindness, he knew he didn't. he had fucked up once, twice, millions of times. even now he had been leading on serizawa, always leading people on, always deceiving, always lying. it was just in his nature, and the idea of that filled him with rage all aimed at himself, at the way he allowed himself to reach this point. he truly was an awful person.
barely coming back to reality, reigen stared at the phone in his hand, reading the time on the clock. 2:40 AM. of course, he'd gone and broken down during the unholy hours of the night. he supposed he should wash his mouth out, get ready for bed, get ready to repeat the same thing he did everyday.
tonight was the same as any other night, and tomorrow would be the same as any other morning.
tomorrow, he'd walk into the office with a smile and a voice that'd speak nothing of the night before. tomorrow, he'd take clients as usual, and walk them through their own problems before he'd even think of his own. tomorrow, he'd see serizawa's gentle smile once more, a sight he felt as if he didn't deserve to see, as if it were a sin to indulge in.
tonight was the same as any other night, and tomorrow would be the same as any other morning.