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It was sunset when grandpa drew his last breath.
Emu wept, sobbed and wailed. Through gasps of breath, tear filled eyes and tremors running through her body as if the end of a civilization, she grieved.
Emu had known that his end was nearing for a long time. She'd been preparing herself for it every time she saw her grandpa sitting on his bed smiling tiredly, smiling despite everything. Emu had been preparing for a long time and she knew that her grandpa died with a smile on his face, content with the life he'd lived. Even then, even knowing it all, even with the promise she'd made to herself to not cry when the day did come, Emu sobbed until even breathing burned.
One last time, she'd thought to herself in tears, only this one time, let me cry, let me grieve.
Emu promised to never cry again after that.
As her grandpa passed away, all things bright and sparkly went with him, loyally burning within the fire of cremation.
They'll keep him company, Emu had thought.
It was hard to breathe. It was hard to think. All her thoughts felt like they'd been thought underwater, and her existence felt the lack of her grandpa like a bruise. The emotions that usually buzzed through her skin like a palpable, physical thing was no more and Emu had never felt the weight of her own existence more sharply and painfully than she did right then.
Emu tried her best to keep the smile on her face intact after the funeral.
Her grandpa might've died but the world would move on. Emu would continue smiling for the same merciless world that would not stop for anyone.
Emu has never been good at school. Her brain is a butterfly, fluttering from one flower to another, seeking more and more interesting things as it flaps its wings. She can never focus on something for too long without her brain feeling like it might as well melt out of her ears. But after grandpa's death, focusing became even more difficult and Emu could barely understand what her teachers demanded of her.
"I know you're smart," her teachers would insist, "if only you'd put in more effort."
Emu was, trying so hard.
The fog that shrouded her brain wouldn't go away. Even if she smiled and laughed and sang and danced, it wouldn't go away. The gap that grandpa's death had left was like a sore and painful wound that just couldn't be ignored. For the first few months after grandpa's death, Emu felt like a house of cards swaying in the breeze. One push and Emu would've broken down right there. One push and Emu wasn't sure if she would ever be able to rebuild herself.
Emu was trying to be normal so damn hard after his death.
Her siblings were kinder to her than usual so maybe Emu wasn't being as normal as she thought.
Shousuke would glance at her with that uncomfortable look on his face which meant 'concern' while Keisuke would quietly offer Emu more candies and sweet things to eat. Hinata would offer to brush her hair and play with it until Emu grew drowsy and fell asleep on her lap. They were all so nice, Emu wanted to cry sometimes thinking of all they'd done to cheer her up.
Their affection and quiet concern filled Emu's heart but the empty space left by her grandpa was very much in the shape of grandpa himself. No one could ever come close to closing the gap no matter how much they loved Emu.
It was still nice to be pampered.
Shousuke even agreed to go to the arcade with all of them which made Emu happy. She smiled a lot that day.
Smiling was good, wasn't it?
Emu kept going to Wonder Stage, unfailingly, even when the cast would shrink every single day. She kept going even when the audience would grow less and less. Every evening Emu would go to Wonder Stage, accompanied by the mascots employed by her parents, and try her best to keep the stage from falling apart. Every evening, unfailingly, Emu would go to the stage and try her best to keep it tidy enough, to keep it from gathering dust in hopes that the cast would not get unmotivated by the lack of care.
Emu knew that her family was considering tearing the stage down. Lack of profit, her brothers and father would spit outー the words of a jaded businessman. Emu, even though her very core was one of dreams painted in pastel, knew that they were right. From the standpoint of business, at least. Sentimentalities wouldn't feed their family, that much was true, but what use was existing if you don't have ideals to live for?
Wasn't that important too, in that case?
Emu, a child who woke up every morning excited to greet the warm and diligent sun, to see the trees wave at her as she gets driven to school, to hear the birds sing, wouldn't understand how sentimentalities were unimportant.
She would never understand it the way her family does.
Wonder Stage was a place that held so many memories, so much of that 'trivial' sentimentalities, so much of the world Emu was first introduced to that she could not fathom how her family so easily agreed on tearing it apart.
Emu remembers being younger and sitting on her grandpa's lap, watching her first show. She doesn't remember what the show was about or what she thought of it. She doesn't remember much about how the cast looked back then, but what she does remember is looking up and seeing her grandpa smile so wideー he was sparkling.
Everyone in the audience was sparkling .
It was magical.
Smiles are magical, she realised that day.
Emu wanted to see it happen again. Anyone who thought smiles didn't hold at least an ounce of magic was wrong because Emu had seen it and she had never been more certain of anything than this. Smiles held a sort of inexplicable power that just made the world a better place, wasn't that a miracle worthy of praise?
Wonder Stage was Emu's first glimpse of her ideal world. The epitome of her dreams and ideals, the epitome of her grandpa's dreams and ideals, all condensed into one small stage where happiness would never end.
And to tear that stage down?
It would be like tearing down the ideals her grandpa believed in. It would be like erasing a part of grandpa's existence. It would be like denying the struggle her grandpa had gone through to make that stage happen, to make smiles happen. Emu could not stand by and watch her family tear it down.
Emu had promised her grandpa that she would protect the current Phoenix Wonderland, that she would make sure smiles happened, even after he was gone. His ideals would live on.
Here's a fact; Emu is someone whose very being is defined by ideals.
She's made in the shape of a man who laughed like the start of summer, she's a civilization born from the ramblings of an old man who not only held dreams but was cradled by them, she's the one who was left behind with all those dreams and with not a single damn clue about what she should do with them.
Her father was a man guided purely by rationality. Her mother was similar, though she was more sympathetic, the same way her sister was more sympathetic than her two older brothers. Emu's family was overrun by the curse of cynicism and rationality. The kind of rationality where they wouldn't even try to listen to her sometimes.
Wasn't it irrational in itself to deny someone the chance to explain themselves?
Emu loved her family and she was certain she was loved back so she asked again, this time in a way they would be more likely to accept.
She asked them for more time.
It was all she could ask for. More time was what she needed. It was about profit, wasn't it? If she brought more people in, they wouldn't worry about the stage being a thing that cost more than it gained. Emu just needed time.
Time.
Emu asked around her school, she asked her classmates, her club mates, her friends, her seniors, everyone , if they'd like to become a troupe with her for Phoenix Wonderland. Most of them were not very willing to and the few who agreed did shows for only a few days before they resigned.
Time.
Emu was desperate and so she snuck around the audition blocks so that she could snipe anyone who wouldn't be joining Phoenix Stage.
Time.
Emu had never known time more intimately than she did while waiting for someone. She waited and waited and waited.
Emu has never been a patient person. This drive to protect her grandpa's ideals was teaching her patience the way no one ever had. Emu had never been a patient person but in the wait for someone to arrive, she learned.
And then.
"If I, Tenma Tsukasa, am hired, I promise to put on a spectacular show!"
There.
Emu's focus turned laser sharp as she looked at the person who had said that line.
It was a blond guy who spoke like he commanded thunderstorms. He laughed freely, loudly.
This is it. Emu had thought. This is the person. Emu had felt.
There was a sense of premonition even as she snuck out to talk to the person. It felt like a start of something big. It felt like Emu was placing her life on the hand of an incoming whirlwind, and she did so happily.
A whirlwind indeed he was.
Tenma Tsukasa with his overly loud voice, his convoluted ideas of storytelling, his enthusiasm, and his ambition that seemed larger than life.
He was a little like her grandpa in a way.
It didn't matter to Emu because she liked him, his silly ideas and all.
With him, she reached a world different than their own where virtual singers were no longer virtual. Emu met Kaito first and then Miku, feeling more excited than fearful of the situation. The idea of fear didn't even strike her because the world she'd been transported to felt comfortable and safe. A world made of Tsukasa's feelings and memories.
Emu felt like she could trust Tsukasa a little bit more.
It felt a little like the goddess of fate had finally shone down upon Emu after meeting Tsukasa because right after, she saw another person.
Kamishiro Rui.
If Tsukasa felt like a whirlwind then Rui felt like the calm before a severe, severe storm.
Emu ran into them bothー a whirlwind and its calm. Emu ran straight ahead with no fear because there was finally a road ahead of her after such a long wait.
Their fourth member then was a robot who could dance and sing and spew brutal words. A creation of Rui, handled by his friend who controlled the robot from afar.
Wonderlands × Showtimeー with each and every show, wonderlands would only increase. Emu liked that name. She liked it very much. Her grandpa would've loved it too.
Emu wanted to know Tsukasa. She wanted to know Nenerobo. She wanted to know Nene. She wanted to know Rui.
Kamishiro Rui with his eccentric yet ingenious ideas, his oddly cute robots and his low, amused voice like he knew all the secrets of the universe. Emu wanted to know. Emu wanted to know those secrets, she wanted to know why Tsukasa was so determined to be a star, she wanted to know how Rui could understand her when everyone else couldn't, she wanted to see the face behind the robot who sang so sweetly. Emu wanted and wanted and wanted.
To want is greedy but Emu knows that she has always been greedy.
Emu wants to prevent Wonder Stage from being destroyed.
To want is selfish.
Emu thought she could get away with selfishness, just a bit of it, but then the troupe falls apart.
Nene ran away apologizing and crying, Rui swore to never come back again, Tsukasa refused to listenー their smiles were gone.
It's sunset when their troupe falls apart. Emu finds a sick sense of irony in noting that.
To want is selfish.
Emu wants for them to keep their smiles above all. There's nothing worth more than a smile. Emu looks at the tattered unsmiling troupe and then at her memories of Wonder Stage and her grandpa, and she makes a decision.
Tsukasa calls her stupid for that later on the ferris wheel.
With the light of the sunset lit aglow from behind his back, he's the sun itself at that moment, rising once again, rising after a day full of sorrow. Emu feels it. The feeling that only the beginning of a day gives her. The feeling that something new, something amazing and something incredible is going to happen to her. She feels it when Tsukasa speaks and just like that, Emu throws herself into the whirlwind yet again.
He won't let me down, the thought erupts easily and Emu feels like crying for a different reason all over again.
They catch Nene together after that.
Nene trembles like the start of a civilization. She tells them everythingー the reason why she hid and how she knows that her shyness has caused people trouble. Emu thinks that Nene is very brave and passionate. Why else would a person choose over and over again to stand on a stage after that? If not for courage and passion, what else is there?
This is a person who's an ocean, crashing unwaveringly onto tall cliff sides with all her might, this is a person who is determined to wear away even the tallest stones with the might of her passion.
Emu understands Nene.
If not for courage and passion, what else is there indeed?
They find Rui.
Emu still wants to know.
She knows that 'to want' is selfish but she still wants. It's like a core aspect of her that cannot change. Emu is a child who has longed for the world and its wonders for so longー the longing never ends, Emu never stops wanting.
Emu wants to know the Rui who softens and melts into a soft mauve when speaking to Nene, she wants to know the Rui who is not impolite yet cold enough to freeze Tsukasa on his way, she wants to know the Rui who speaks about shows as if he's talking about the secret to happiness, like he's talking about a way of life, she wants to know the Rui who held both of his arms tightly to his body as he walked away from them.
Emu knows it's selfish to want but she still does.
She wills Tsukasa to not give up.
Then they put on a show in Sekai for Rui.
If normal apologies wouldn't do, a show would get through Rui well. It should get through him.
So, they invite the lonely alchemist to their flyaway troupe.
Nene had told them that Rui wanted to do shows with people despite how harshly he'd rejected Tsukasa's offer to join the troupe. Emu thinks about how Rui had enunciated clearly and sharply that the greatest show could not be performed alone. Was that partly to himself as well? Nene had said that Rui didn't have many friends because of his eccentric ideas too. Emu think of Rui performing alone and making robots diligently to keep performing and feels her heart clench.
If not for them then for himself, Emu wants him to join the troupe.
The lonely alchemist accepts.
Then follows the birth of a troupe full of explosions and laughter and exasperated sighs.
They go through a lot together. From spending time together after school for their shows to inviting each other out for menial tasks. From buying ice creams together and tasting each others' chosen flavor to revealing something as personal as their dreams under the starlit sky. From being in seperate schools to sneaking in and getting hidden by her friends all the way upto the school rooftop to have their lunch.
Emu exists. Emu lives.
As shameful as it is to admit, Emu knows that what she did after the death of her grandpa didn't count as living. Not in the same way she's living now. And it's not that Emu doesn't feel his lack like an ache just because she has friends now. Love didn't work that way. Emu just has a bigger space in her heart for her friends. The space occupied by her grandpa, previously a gaping hole, is still vacant, but the wound is closing up to leave a scar.
That scar won't go away. Not when all the love she has for her grandpa keeps going to that same place only to trigger pain and grief.
Emu still sees her grandpa when she looks at that faded seat, marked by a bunch of stickers. She still feels his lack when she returns home and her parents aren't there because they're busy, they're always busy, and her siblings have their own lives to live. There's no one at home who's willing to listen to all the ramblings Emu stores within herself throughout the day. All the words inside her chest feel suffocating.
But.
But Emu also has friends who are willing to listen to her now. Nene listens quietly but carefully and rarely speaks. She pretends to not care but Emu knows that she does. A little like Shousuke but nicer. Tsukasa listens and offers his own commentary loudly. He's kind, Emu finds out. It's not surprising to her at all. From the time he listened to her during the ferris wheel ride, Emu has known. Rui listens and speaks. He's a little like Emu herself. Both of them spit out fifty words per seconds and both in words only the two of them can understand.
It isn't the same as when grandpa listened to her. It can't be the same, and that, Emu concludes, is okay.
If Emu spends an eternity seeking her grandpa among her friends who are their own people, it would be unfair to both her friends and her grandpa. She won't seek her grandpa out actively in the kind shapes her friends have occupied in her heart but if by coincidence, some traits match then Emu will only quietly hold onto it.
They go through so much together.
They save Phoenix Wonderland.
Emu gets to know and know and know .
Emu knows Nene. She sees her grow up, she sees her develop as a person, she sees her stand atop the stage and sing in such a sweet voice that even the sky blesses them with snow, and Emu wonders idly if this warm feeling of pride is what Rui feels like all the time.
Nene who holds her, standing in between her and her brothers, as she demands them who they are while Emu trembles in her grasp. Nene shakes too. She trembles yet remains unwilling to let go of Emu until her brothers go away.
Nene trembles like the start of a civilization, with fear, with anger.
Emu holds on for dear life until they ask her what's wrong and well. She doesn't want to burden them with helping her preserve the entire amusement park after she made them help her with the stage. Emu knows Nene so before she can repeat the question again, followed by Rui and Tsukasa, she runs away.
Nene is brave in a way Emu isn't.
Who needs protection from her own brothers' words after all?
Words aren't supposed to hurt that bad, right?
Emu just wants to protect her grandpa's legacy and the smiles of the people but doesn't know how to without ruining everything. Even dreams need a stable base to be built upon, don't they? The significance of money in the world terrifies Emu a bit.
Emu knows Rui. She watches him slowly close the distance between him and everyone, one step at a time. She sees him build robots after robots for all of them with unfaltering diligence and utter devotion.
Devotion is a word that suits Rui well.
Rui who knows when to pick and choose his battles as he answers to her brothers frankly and with that terrifyingly sharp attitude. He's rarely angry but Emu knows Rui. The softness melts away though the smile remains on his face even as he talks to Emu's brothers. He's calm but it's the calm before a terrible, terrible storm.
She tries to convince him to stop but to no avail.
The thing with befriending forces of nature is that you get swept away too.
Her brothers make a tactful retreat before the argument can progress.
It's Rui who helps Emu set the base for all her dreams.
If Nene is a realist who just so happens to also be a dreamer, then Rui is a dreamer who just so happens to be a realist too.
Emu knows Tsukasa. She watches him relearn the true meaning behind shows from the start. Emu watches his unfaltering arrogance melt into healthy confidence.
Tsukasa who stands up for both her and Wonder Stage as a leader and as a friend.
Emu is charmed by him. She knows that everyone who meets Tsukasa can't help but be charmed by him in one way or the other. He has that kind of charisma even though his voice is louder than the average person. Tsukasa feels like someone meant to be under the spotlight.
Even if Nene mocks him, even if Rui laughs at his antics, Emu knows that even both of them are endlessly charmed by him.
He stands on top of the stage, looking at everyone working under Phoenix Wonderland, and speaks in that loud, booming voice. Sometimes that's what people need. A loud, booming voice assuring them that something will be protected. Emu feels a little breathless by the end of the speech and with a quick glance towards Rui and Nene's direction, she can tell that it's not only her who is affected by Tsukasa's speech.
Even though winning a contest would've gathered the kind of attention Tsukasa would need as an actor, he chose to help Emu.
Emu knows the Tsukasa who is so kind that to him, kindness feels like second nature.
They put on a show.
As Xiao, Emu feels lighter and younger. She feels a sense of déjà vu when she whines about learning more about magic and Tsukasa as Miles only laughs and tells her to be patient. If he had answered me before, Emu wonders as the light dims during the scene where Miles dies, if he had answered me before he died, would I have been able to carry it out?
There's no time to even think about that because the light completely goes out and Emu feels her heartbeat in her ears.
Emu hates darkness. Emu hates sunsets.
She calls out to everyone in the crowd and watches the bracelet Rui gave light up in soft colours like stars blinking into existence. Before she utters her next line, she looks at the top corner of the stage where Tsukasa, Nene and Rui are and feels a sweet sort of ache in her chest.
The lights come back and the bracelets dim, giving the impression of actual magic leaving to join the entire amusement park.
It's beautiful. The amusement park and the joy and awe in everyone's faces.
"I did it! Magic made possible by everyone's smiles, I did it!"
I made it, grandpa, Emu thinks, smiling uncontrollably even as they bow at the end of their performance.
The sun set long ago and Emu hates sunsets but, with the idea she came up with about night shows, with Rui's ingenious plan, and with the smiles of everyone illuminating every corner of the amusement park, Emu can't say that this sunset marked the end of a fun day.
This sunset marks the start of a fun night.
No sunset will ever mark the end of smiles.
Even if the day ends, even if night falls, even if her grandpa is no longer here, Emu finds comfort in the fact that smiles will never stop. Her one constant of life will remain a constant.
Her grief will never go away but neither will her friends and that's enough.