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“I am waiting for someone, someone from a half remembered dream.”
Jiang Shuo sat outside to feel the night air, and he looked up at the stars. He felt a sense of calm and peace as the gentle night breeze brushed his skin. This day had taken a toll on him and sitting under the sky like this often helped. Tonight he did feel happy, but underneath that, there was a restlessness from what had happened earlier that day in the psyche, and he just couldn't shake it. He sighed and turned at the sound of familiar footsteps drawing near. It was Qin Er, dressed in a black overcoat and vest.
“May I sit?” Qin Yi Heng asked.
Jiang Shuo nodded, and when Qin Yi Heng sat down, he felt grateful for the company.
They sat in silence for a while before Jiang Shuo realized Qin Er was staring at him, he looked at him and Qin Yi Heng quickly looked away.
Jiang Shuo smiled at him, “What is it Qin Er? I can feel you looking at me.”
Qin Yi Heng shifted slightly and cleared his throat, “You just look different to me right now.”
Jiang Shuo laughed and pushed his shoulder, “what are saying, it's probably just because I haven't bathed yet and it was a long day, I'm just tired.”
Qin Yi Heng turned to look at him again, “No,” he said before pausing to choose his words carefully, “...it's like I'm looking at you for the first time all over again.”
Jiang Shuo wanted to smile but those words reminded him again about what had happened and it made him feel guilty for what Qin Er had to go through. He had left Qin Er in that man's psyche and wasn't prepared for what that meant. He didn't know what to say to Qin Yi Heng who had yet to share how he felt about the whole situation, maybe he blamed him for leaving.
“When I left you there, I didn't think-” he started before Qin Yi Heng cut him off.
“It's alright, I was my choice.”
Jiang Shuo shook his head, “You were my responsibility and if it hadn't turned out how it did, you would still be there, forever,” he said. He replayed what had happened in his mind and had to turn his face away because he didn't want Qin Er to see the guilt in his eyes.
Qin Yi Heng placed a hand on Jiang Shuo's knee, “I would have been okay.”
Jiang Shuo felt unsettled,“No, you wouldn't have,” he hung his head and couldn't meet Qin Yi Heng's gaze even though he wanted to, “you don't have to pretend, you can be mad at me, blame me, and even hit me for not protecting you, but don't pretend to be fine when you aren't.”
“I am fine, truly.”
Jiang Shuo felt the heat of anger rising up in him,“You forgot who I was!” he said sharply.
Qin Yi Heng flinched when he saw the hurt expression on Jiang Shuo's face, those eyes were holding a sorrow he had not seen since they came out of the psyche. Qin Yi Heng looked down and clasped his hands together, he twisted the ring on his finger and he knew he had to tell Jiang Shuo about what happened, and why he would never be mad or blame him for it. He turned to look at Jiang Shuo and met his eyes.
“Yes. I forgot a lot of things, who I was, where I was, but…”
“What?”
“You…it’s just, in that place, before you came to me, I was scared. It was small and dark and I was lost, as time passed I didn’t remember where I was, how I got there, I stopped thinking about anything else, my heart was beating so fast it was almost unbearable, I wanted to…I wanted it to end.”
“Qin Er...”
Qin Yi Heng shook his head, “but, then you came to me. I was confused and frightened but you held my father's ring and when I looked at you, really looked at you, I saw you were crying. All I remember thinking was, you should remember this man, he’s crying, he’s sad, he misses you, but I just didn’t know,” he paused to study the expression of pain on Jiang Shuo's face, before continuing, “If you hadn’t came back for me, hadn’t reminded me who we were together, I think I would have given up and remained in that man’s mind forever, chasing the ghost of a long forgotten name; a name I held in my heart, but not in my mind.”
It was quite for a moment before Jiang Shuo suddenly wrapped his arms around Qin Yi Heng, “I’m sorry Qin Er. I should have come sooner, I had no idea it would be that long for you.” he said, and he squeezed the man tightly before releasing him.
Qin Yi Heng looked at the man beside him and was reminded of everything they had been through together, “I know, and you came back, I think I always knew you would, that’s why I didn’t give up.”
Jiang Shuo nodded and shifted closer to Qin Yi Heng, he rubbed his hands that were beginning to go numb from the chill in the air. They sat in a comfortable silence until Qin Yi Heng moved, he removed his coat, and carefully draped it over Jiang Shuo's shoulders.
Jiang Shuo looked over at Qin Yi Heng who was trying his best to act as if he wasn't also cold, and he wondered why he had never noticed how kind his face was before, maybe its because he rarely showed emotions so openly. It made him wonder.
“Qin Er?”
“Yes.”
“You said my name was in your heart, what does that mean?”
Qin Yi Heng avoided his gaze, “It means…we’re brothers, I would never forget you even after a hundred years.”
Jiang Shuo smiled, “I think brothers would forget, I know I’ve forgotten if I have any.”
“Fine, then friends, it means a friend I will never forget.”
Jiang Shuo laughed, “Qin Er, do you really think mere friends will remember each other after so long?”
Qin Yi Heng shifted in his seat, “Well, what then? They are my words so they mean what I say they mean.”
Jiang Shuo felt the warmth of the coat on his back, and he shook his head. He placed a hand on Qin Yi Heng's knee, and met his gaze, “Qin Er, I almost lost you forever today, you have no idea how scary that was, when your eyes were looking at me but they did not recognize me, when I realized you had forgotten me long ago but for me it had hardly been two hours. I cried because I let you follow me and I promised to keep you safe but in the end I couldn’t do that. It felt like my heart was breaking and I think that's when I figured it out completely.”
Qin Yi Heng glanced down to the hand on his knee, it felt warm but also heavy, not a suffocating heaviness, more like the safe and comforting weight of a thick blanket, and he didn't move to shake it off.
“Figured what out?” he asked tentatively.
Jiang Shuo's eyes were bright, “What’s inside my heart.”
“Jiang Shuo, what are you saying?”
Jiang Shuo moved his hand from Qin Yi Heng knee and turned his body so he was staring right at him. “I’m saying, you’re wrong about brothers and friends, I don’t want to be those things for you…”
Qin Yi Heng didn't know how to respond, “You don’t think of me as family? We’re not friends? Then why did you-“
Jiang Shuo nudged him, “That’s not what I’m saying Qin Er, listen to me. I am those things but I also feel differently, almost like you and I met each other to become more than that, I don’t know how to say it. If there’s a word for what I feel, I can’t say I know it.”
Qin Yi Heng had always been on the same page as Jiang Shuo and as he thought about the man in front him he wondered if that would always be the case, he hoped what was happening right now did not ruin the bond between them.
He subconsciously twisted the ring on his finger, “I might know it.”
“You do?”
“Let’s say, if I were a woman, what would you tell me right now?”
Jiang Shuo looked unsure, “I would say…” he looked down, “I think I would tell you those words, if you were a woman.
“What words.”
“Qin Er...”
“What words, Jiang Shuo?”
Jiang Shuo straightened up and locked eyes with him, “I like you. I would say that.”
Qin Yi Heng let out the breath he had been holding “So you do know.”
Jiang Shuo shook his head, his eyebrows were furrowed, “But you’re a man, how could it be the same love?” he asked.
Qin Yi Heng placed his hand on Jiang Shuo's shoulder, “Because I feel it too. I have a brother, I have friends, I always wondered if that was what you were to me but, like you said, I think it's something more. I want to protect you and be with you in ways I shouldn't, ways someone else would want to be with a woman. Do you understand?”
There was a long pause and both Jiang Shuo and Qin Yi Heng were waiting for something to break the silence that had encompassed them, trapping them in a moment of time that would change all others that followed it. A horn beeped in the distance, and Jiang Shuo felt the city in a way he never did before. He saw it all in a new light, the stars above him, the smell of the crisp air, his home, and Qin Yi Heng. He was right here, he was waiting for an answer and Jiang Shuo felt free enough to speak his desire into this new world.
“Qin Er, can I kiss you?”
Qin Yi Heng's eyes widened and he didn't respond.
Jiang Shuo leaned in close, “If you don’t stop me, I’m going to kiss you, “he said, and when Qin Er didn’t move to stop him, Jiang Shuo pressed a kiss to his mouth.
Jiang Shuo pulled away and he saw Qin Er’s eyes were closed, when they opened Jiang Shuo couldn't read the look in them and this made him nervous.
“I’m sorry, did that ruin everything, Qin Er, I’m-“
Qin Yi Heng's hand came up to Jiang Shuo's cheek, he pulled Jiang Shuo close to him and kissed him deeply, and Jiang Shuo felt himself relaxing into the kiss. He felt Qin Yi Heng's soft tongue against the roof of his mouth and he felt hot as if with a fever, he was melting against his mouth. He felt a hand on his chest and thought Qin Yi Heng was going to push him away so he pulled away, but then he saw the smile on Qin Yi Heng's face and he was sure that Qin Yi Heng could feel his heart beating wildly.
“Jiang Shuo...let's go inside.”
Jiang Shuo looked around before nodding, “you're right, we shouldn't be seen like this right?”
Qin Yi Heng nodded, “that, but also other reasons...”
Jiang Shuo was surprised, “what other reasons?”
Qin Yi Heng stood up and walked in front if Jiang Shuo, he leaned in close, making Jiang Shuo lean back slightly, “reasons that happen when two people want to be alone together in privacy,” he said, not moving.
Jiang Shuo was trapped between Qin Yi Heng and the table underneath his hands, he could feel Qin Yi Heng's presence like never before, his body was so close, his desire was almost palpable, it excited him to know he was wanted in this way, however he was also nervous about what would come next.
He shook his head, “I've never...I haven't been in that situation before, I won't know what to do.”
Qin Yi Heng smiled softly, “I'll teach you, if that's what you want.”
Jiang Shuo wanted to go, he wanted to feel closer to Qin Yi Heng, he wanted to hold him close and share what lovers shared with each other, he felt as if this were the night, the time, the place, the everything, he knew in his heart he could trust Qin Yi Heng, and he would follow him anywhere, just as Qin Yi Heng had done.
He stood up and took Qin Yi Heng's hand, “let's go then.” he said.
Qin Yi Heng smiled, and they walked together, out of the cold night and surely, into a dawn that would warm them both.