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You are doing great. In fact, you're on fire! Your skin is peeling, your flesh is burning away to expose bone, and there's a delicious smell in the air, like barbecue...
Welcome to Desert Bluffs!
***
Well good morning, Desert Bluffs Too! Today is a beautiful day! It's always a beautiful day here –
after all, the sun is always shining, the light atop the mountain is always blinking, and the sparse vegetation is always rotting.
But today is especially beautiful because...I have some news! There's some good news and some not so good news. Isn't that exciting? I'll start with the not so good news.
My good friend Carlos has just arrived here, at Desert Bluffs! He says he came through the Dog Park in Night Vale. There were scratches, all along his arms, and a haunted look in his eyes... so I think he's doing well! He was clearly exhausted, but he insisted that he had some important science to be working on, so Alicia and Doug took him back to his old lab. I admire that work ethic!
Carlos brought some news of Night Vale with him. Apparently, the town has been overcome with some kind of alien disease. And get this: it's making them sing! The whole town is bursting into musical numbers! Everyone has been infected: John Peters, you know, the farmer; former mayor and director of emergency press conferences Pamela Winchell; even Station Management and the City Council!
Carlos barely made it here safely – the whole town has been reduced to a musical wasteland. He had to fight his way past hordes of harmonising townspeople. Sheriff Sam tried to arrest him, all while singing a strange song about... jazz hands? And then Carlos had to sneak into the Dog Park, avoiding the mysterious hooded figures - who've started emitting a discordant but melodic hum, the kind that drills through your skull and makes the inside of your eyelids itch! How cool is that? Oh, I wish I could have heard it!
Anyway, the good news is, Carlos is going to be staying in Desert Bluffs! With Night Vale overrun by the disease, he has nowhere else to go! I've missed him so much since he left, it'll be just like old times! How lovely.
Oh! I'm getting an incoming call right now! And guess who it is? It's Carlos the Scientist!
Oh. Um, hi!
So how's it going, Carlos? Are you settled into your old lab?
Yeah, yeah, I'm settled in. I've got lots of glowing liquids in different shapes vials already, things are going okay here.
You should come and stay with me and Charles. Oh! I should introduce you to Charles! He's a theologian, and my boyfriend. I bet you'd get along great.
Yeah. Sounds good, Kevin.
It must be good to be back, huh?
Uh yeah. I guess so.
Feels just like home, doesn't it?
...
...So, have you started doing any science yet?
Yes! That's what I was calling to tell you about. I just need a sample of the spores that have infected everyone before I can start isolating the pathogen and figuring out a cure. Alicia's gone out to see what tissue samples they can find. I'm calling in because want to assure everyone that it won't be long until I find a solution. And um...
Cecil? I don't know if you can even hear this but... I will fix this. Everything will be fine. Because I'm a scientist remember? And a scientist is always fine. *choking up* I will cure you, you and Esteban. I'll save you, I promise.
Wow! You're really passionate about science. It's admirable.
*sniffles* Uh, thanks, Kevin .
You’re welcome, Carlos! You know, I sure am pleased that you're back in Desert Bluffs again. Don't you just love it here? You must be pleased to be back.
I don't know, Kevin. I've only been here for a few days, but I miss Night Vale. *sigh* I miss the Public Library, the mystery lights in the sky above the Arby’s, the operatives sent by the Vague Yet Menacing Government Agency to document our every move. I miss the people. Even the Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home!
*quietly* although I think she might be here too – I heard some humming coming from within my fume chamber earlier...
*sigh* I just- I miss everyone .
Oh sure, of course you miss some parts of Night Vale. The grass is always greener on the other side, you know!
Kevin .
Yes?
They're all dead. Everyone in Night Vale is dead. My friends, my family, they're all dead.
And isn't that great? It's a chance for a new start, this time without any ties to Night Vale to take you away from us again!
*mutters* oh my- you know what, Kevin? I'm not going to listen to this anymore. I have better things to do.
*a knock on the door*
*voice eager and distant from the microphone* Alicia? Is that you? Hold on, I'm coming!
BEEP
...Oh. He hung up on me. He didn't even say good bye. That's not like him.
Uh, well. In other news:
Due to a shortage of blood donors, the Desert Bluffs Too hospital will be resorting to extreme measures to get its much needed supplies. The new system will generously reward anyone who reports their neighbours, friends, and co-workers as having blood. Reported people will be taken in the dead of night, strapped down, and dismembered to efficiently obtain the blood needed. The blood will be used in all sorts of essential things, such as, food production, demonic rituals, and interior design. With enough sold, we may even be able to raise enough money to actually build the hospital! So be on the lookout for the signs of blood-havers! This can include flushed faces, scabs, bruise, and of course, possession a pulsing, fleshy heart.
And if you are taken, remember to thank our hard-working surgeon, the only doctor in the whole of the Desert Otherworld. He’s only recently received his medical degree after a rigorous two week course. It was gruelling to lie in the sand every day, staring right at the sun until his vision went black, but it was well worth it. Congratulations, Spencer! You must be very proud.
***
Hello listeners!
It's been a few days since Night Vale was infected by a singing pathogen, and I have an update from our resident scientist about the progress in finding a cure.
Carlos didn't actually call in this time, but I've got a note from him right here! Well, he didn't deliver it himself, but he gave it to Doug to give to me. It's weird. Carlos always used to call in whenever he could but... you know, I'm sure he's just busy.
Anyway. The note!
Carlos says that he's making great progress on finding a cure. He's been stirring lots of coloured liquids and writing funny sounding Latin words on the blackboard, which has led him to conclude that the sample Alicia found contains microscopic alien spores. He says this must be the infection that's turned Night Vale into a musical hellscape.
Apparently, the spores share a collective hive mind, which is what allows the infected to sing and dance perfectly in sync with each other. Isn’t that cool? Imagine, a whole town mentally bound together in musical bliss!
Carlos hypothesises that the hivemind must be part of the meteor that brought the plague to Night Vale. If he could destroy it, the spores would be cut off from each other, and their victims would be freed.
Well, if anyone can figure out how to do all that, it's Carlos. He's the Desert Otherworld's best – and only – scientist after all!
It looks like Night Vale won't be held hostage by this singing sickness for much longer.
Isn't that... great?
***
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Do you like endlessly slaving away, day in, day out, ultimately gaining nothing?
Do you love the knowledge that nobody on this earth really cares about you?
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You do? Well then, come on down to the Temple of Joy.
The Smiling God is expecting you.
***
Oh! Carlos is calling again. That's nice! He hasn't spoken to me since he first arrived. He must have another update about the plague in Night Vale.
Hey, Carlos! What's going on?
Kevin! I think I've found a cure!
A cure? Already?
Yes! Can you believe it? You see, these spores create a perfectly synchronised musical when they infect people. But that isn't just a symptom of the disease’s presence. No, I've discovered that it's actually an essential life process!
Well, that makes sense! Song is such a joyful thing, of course it's essential to life!
*excitedly* exactly! So it turns out that anything that disrupts them from singing perfectly and in harmony will kill them instantly! I found that out when I put a sample into a cloud of helium gas. The helium made the aliens' song all high pitched and squeaky.
And guess what? The petri dish burst into flames!
Woah!
I know right! So all I need is enough helium to destroy the meteor, and maybe a bit more to spray on people just in case, and then it's done!
Won't that make them explode?
What? No!
Really? Why not?
Because science!
Oh of course. Silly me! Congratulations, Carlos. You truly are the best scientist I know. I don't know many scientists!
*warmly* thanks, Kevin. Well, I'd better get ready to go.
Oh? Where are you going?
To Night Vale! I've got to get the Old Opera House to destroy the meteor.
Oh... already?
Of course! I can save everyone! I can finally see my family again.
But you've only been here for a few weeks. You don't have to do all that now! Why not stay in Desert Bluffs a little longer?
...
I'm sure if you just give it a chance, you'll realise that you're so much happier here than in Night Vale!
*pause*
*sigh*
Kevin, Night Vale is my home.
*quietly* This used to be your home.
I've had a lot of homes in my life. Most of them served me well. Desert Bluffs will always have a special place in my heart, as will you.
But Night Vale is where I belong now. I need to be with my family because I am miserable without them, Kevin. Can’t you support me in that?
...
Look, Kevin. I'm leaving, and there's nothing you can say to persuade me to stay. I've got to go now, alright?
I thought you might be happy for me but... guess I was wrong. I just…
Yeah. Goodbye, Kevin.
...
*mutters* I…fine. Okay.
BEEP
...Goodbye, Carlos.
*subdued* Well, listeners. There’s a harrowing journey ahead of him. As Carlos makes his way through the sands of our Desert Otherland, back through the forbidden Dog Park, and into the heart of danger that Night Vale has become, I bring you: the weather.
***
*sigh* Well, listeners. I have some good news and... some not so good news.
The good news is that the cure worked! The people of Night Vale have been cured, the alien spores than infected them have all self-destructed, and nobody exploded! Everything is back to normal.
Nobody seems to be suffering any further effects, aside from the Faceless Old Woman who has begun to speak exclusively in rhyme – although nobody can tell if that's from the infection or if this is just her new thing.
The City Council has announced that they will be banning all musical actions. Anyone caught humming, dancing or even playing music will be killed on sight to prevent a second outbreak. We're not yet sure how this will affect the reconstruction of the Old Night Vale Opera House that was destroyed by the meteor, but given that it's still unclear what opera actually is, nobody's too worried about that.
The bad news is... Carlos has once again left Desert Bluffs Too, maybe for good. He is back in Night Vale, with his husband and his son and his community, where he belongs.
He saved them all. He’s a hero.
Carlos is back in Night Vale, and I am... alone again.
Well. I'm not alone. I have Charles, and Donovan. I have the station's interns. I have all of you.
But Carlos was my first friend. The first since Strex at least. I can't remember anyone in my life before that...
For so long, everyone in my life was just a co-worker. Carlos was maybe the first person to ever treat me normally. Nobody in Desert Bluffs really knew me, and everyone in Night Vale hated me. But Carlos? He was the one who took the time to really see me.
I know that I'm not exactly normal. I know that most people find me... unsettling, although I'm not sure why – I'm a very positive, friendly person! But Carlos saw past whatever it is that puts other people off, and he chose to stay.
He was here for a long time, you know? Such a long time that I began to wonder whether he really intended to return to Night Vale. When he finally left, I wasn't prepared to be alone again. It made me... sad.
And now he's gone again. And I am sad, again.
But Carlos wouldn't have been happy here. I realise that now.
Carlos is back in Night Vale with his family, where he belongs. And I am happy, for him. Even if I miss him.
I only hope that maybe, someday, he'll come back to visit. Hopefully soon. Time moves very quickly here, and I don't want to wait too long.
*watery* Maybe he'll bring his family too! Carlos still hasn't met Charles. We could have dinner together, our two families. That'd be nice.
Stay tuned next for a bond that transcends the petty boundaries of distance and time.
And from me here in my studio, to all you listeners out there, and our friends in other realities:
Good night, Desert Bluffs. Good night.