Archive of Our Own

It had been a month since they lived through the Kraang invasion, and Donnie still wasn’t himself. None of them were fully healed yet, Leo’s physical therapy still going strong, although he was almost back to his normal hyperactive self. Mikey’s hands still shook occasionally, he’d flex them when he held a pencil or a knife for too long. Raph’s eye still twitches and would turn angry and irritated from time to time. But they all seemed to be getting back on their feet for the most part. And Donnie…

Well Donnie just felt fucking broken .

Every night when he went to bed, he could feel the monstrous machinery pushing into the soft flesh of his shell, shaking him to his core. He tried to shake the feeling over and over, only for it to wash over him once he relaxed again. When he could finally fall asleep, it was useless anyhow, as he’d wake up feeling like the tentacles were torn out of him yet again. Despite the wounds having healed over for the most part, the wounds still felt fresh, like his nerves were torn from their places. He was always tired, always in pain.

But it was okay, he didn’t sleep often anyways. And he could hide his discomfort- it was something he did often. He could distract himself in his work, make his hands busy. He couldn’t feel the Kraang while he was focusing on the feeling of keys clacking and wires sparking.

His favorite sweater laid over his back, providing just the tiniest bit of comfort as he made his way to the kitchen. He yawned dismissively as he poured himself another cup of coffee. He hadn’t slept for two days now, running on coffee and a handful of 5 hour energy drinks he had gotten his hands on. His body craved rest, his fingers and palms shaking as a result of the caffeine he pumped into his stomach. But he just couldn't. He didn't want his shell to ache again. He didn't want to be reminded of that ship- what those things had done to him and his family all through his inevitable nightmares.

So the bags under his eyes grew heavier and his hands shook more and more as he pushed more coffee into his mouth.

“Hey, Don-?” He jumped a bit at the sound of the other’s voice, turning just slow enough to make sure the hot coffee didn't spill onto his hand. As he made eye contact with Raph, he watched the other’s face droop a bit more, clearly worried. Donnie wasn’t sure what he looked like- he hadn’t looked in a mirror in… how long now…?-  but he assumed he wasn’t good simply by the expression on Raph’s face. “You doin’ alright…?”

The snapper sounded hesitant, scared to rock the boat. Donnie ignored him though, shrugging. “Yeah. I’m fine.”

He was being short with him. He could hear it in his own voice, and he could feel his eyebrows furrowing with anger. Why was Raph questioning him? Couldn’t he get a cup of coffee in peace?  But he ignored the signs of his discomfort as he took another sip of his warm coffee. “Are you sure? Cause I’ve been hearing your music for days now…”

Donnie looked up at the other, squinting,”So?”

“So that means you haven’t slept ,” Raph hummed, matter-of-factly. “We all know you can’t sleep unless it’s quiet. And we all know your music is far from that.”

Donnie rolled his eyes, annoyed as Raoh picked apart the details of his life. Everything in his mind yelled at him to stop with the dramatics, that he was being childish , but it just didn’t matter what his dumb-dumb brain said to him at that moment. He was being put on the spot and he was beyond upset about it. “Whatever. Thank you for worrying about me, dear brother,” he said, trying to brush him off,” but it doesn’t concern you. Like I said, I’m fine.”

“Oh, come on, Donnie,” A voice said from the entryway to the kitchen. Donnie looked, seeing the red-striped turtle, but he could tell by the voice alone that it was Leo. Of course he could. “We can all tell you’re tired. And we’re all worried about each other. Don’t get snappy on us.”

Donnie shot his twin a glare, taking a few steps toward the exit as he sipped his coffee again,”Shut up. This was a private conversation.”

Just before he could leave though, Leo blocked him, smirking a bit as he shot one of his infamous barbs,”I don’t think the kitchen is a very private setting, Dee.”

Donnie practically growled,” Move , Leo.”

“Not unless you’re gonna go take a nappy-nap ,” Leo teased in a baby voice.

Donnie could vaguely hear Raph saying something, telling them not to fight, but he didn’t care. He turned and walked back towards the kitchen island, placing his coffee down as he spoke. “Whatever, Leo. If you’re gonna be an asshole, go bother Mikey or something.”

The silence was what really told Donnie that he had hit some kind of a nerve. He didn’t need to turn around and see it. He could already see it in his mind, he had seen it before. He could stare at the memory of a younger looking Leo, eyes widened and breath caught in his throat as he tried to think of what to say back.

The guilty thoughts rushed through his mind, well deserved as a result of his poor behavior. All he did was hurt the people he loved when he got upset. He drove them further and further away and then questioned why he felt so lonely and full of sorrow. He wanted to cry out, to apologize, but he was too prideful now. Too stubborn to really fix whatever damage he had done.

Donetello was expecting some sort of angry retort, something that showed the hurt in Leo’s voice. Something that would shake him to his core, tear him to shreds and let his other brothers see him more vulnerable than they had before. Leo was good at reading the others, seeing them each exactly for what they were, but he’d ever let it slip. Not unless he was upset.

But Leo didn’t say anything of the sort. He could hear as his feet tapped against the floor, coming closer as he began to speak. “Look, Donnie, I’m not trying to be mean. I’m just worried. We all are.”

“You don’t have to be worried. I’m fine, nothing even happened.”

“Come on, you know that’s bull-”

Donnie didn’t hear the rest of what Leo had to say, all he felt was his hand over his sweater- touching his shell. All of a sudden he was back there, quick as blinking his eyes. He was back in the Kraang ship and the slick tentacles were digging into his flesh, sliding against his bones. He whipped around, hand hitting his cup of coffee and knocking it to the floor as he turned, the dark liquid splashing and making his socks wet. He hissed, fire in his eyes as he spoke,”Do not touch me!”

Leo seemed to jump out of his skin, almost looking scared- concerned? His eyes darted to someone else in the room. Was Raph still here? Why did Leo look like that?

“Okay- I’m sorry, just relax.”

Donnie’s hands came up, his fist swinging up and down several times, feeling the air against his fingers before he eventually smashed it into the island with a growl,”Don’t tell me to relax! I don’t need to relax! You all just need to leave me be!”

“Donnie-”

“Dee-”

He let out a groan as his fingers made their way under his hood, running harshly over the sides of his face. He could barely breathe, air coming out of his nose in huffs. Maybe he did need to calm down- but who was Leo to tell him to do so? Whatever. He didn’t care anymore- he didn’t care what his brothers saw. He was just so fucking enraged, so tired, so lost. He could still feel Leo’s hand on his back, despite it being nowhere close anymore. He could feel the Kraang’s machinery slipping from his fingertips into his spine.

He huffed angrily, trying to ground himself as he felt the rush of things around him. There were people in front of him, but he couldn’t care less who they were. His nails dug deeper into his temples, he could already feel the icy-hot scratches on his face, he could already tell there would be marks there later on, but it didn’t matter.

“Dee,” Donnie only whined in response. Who was talking? He couldn’t see- the lights were too bright, he couldn’t hear they were buzzing so loud. He couldn’t hear while his sock was wet- not while his shell ached. “Donnie, I’m gonna touch you.”

“No!” He choked out, stepping back, a hand coming down for just a second to brace himself against the counter.

“Don-” His hand came back up, this time coming in contact with something hard in front of him,”It’s gonna be okay, I gotta touch you though. You’re hurting yourself- You’re not in control anymore.”

He’s not in control anymore?

Has he ever been?

With that, strong arms wrapped around him. They were hugging him hard, they weren’t feather-gentle like Leo’s hand had been. He screeched, loud and unintelligible, trying to fight the force around him. He sank to the floor, the strong arms guiding him. He was in someone’s lap now, and through the fog of his breakdown, he could finally realize that it was Raphael who was holding him. The red dressed turtle had begun rocking them back and forth now, humming. There was no melody to the sounds he made, just loud enough to make his chest vibrate against Donnie’s face. 

They stayed like that for a while until Donnie finally began to relax. His shouts had gotten quieter, eventually coming to a complete halt. The fog started to clear, replaced by an entirely different, more uncomfortable feeling. His skull was full of cotton, his muscles hurt. Raph was still humming, the vibrations mixed with the repetitive movement helping soothe him. His hand came up, barely able to move pinned beneath the other’s strong arms. He could feel something slick beneath his fingers- why was Raph’s plastron wet? What had happened? Was it the coffee he had spilled?

His tongue darted out to lick his lips and he was given another piece to the puzzle. Despite the dryness of his mouth, he could still taste the salt on his lips. He blinked, lashes sticking together. Oh- he was crying. He had been crying . For how long now?

Suddenly, sobs wracked his body, more tears sliding down his already wet cheeks, making even more of a mess of Raph’s chest. He let out a pained cry, the aftermath of it all destroying him. Raph responded calmly, rubbing his side as he rocked with a bit more momentum. Donnie could just barely make out how Raph avoided his soft shell, scared to trigger him again.

He hushed him carefully, waiting for the sobs to die down. Donnie shook in his arms, his saliva felt thick in his mouth, choking him as he swallowed. He felt like a mess- he could already feel the aftermath of it all wearing him down. His fingers reached up, arms wrapping around Raph’s neck as the other shifted him into place. He breathed carefully, gripping onto the other’s shell as he felt himself relax a bit more.

“There ya’ go, buddy. Just calm down. We’ve got you.”

He nodded absentmindedly. He had wanted so badly to stay awake before, but now in the aftermath of his own emotional explosion, safe in his brother’s arms, he finally felt compelled to rest. He briefly tried to fight the sleep as it tugged his eyelids down, but as they dropped he sighed, finally drifting off.

+ + + + +

As Raph felt his little brother finally go limp in his strong arms, his rocking slowed to a stop. He let out his own sigh- one of relief as he stood, scooping the other into his arms carefully, making sure not to wake him.

“Is he alright?” Mikey asked from beside him. He had come into the kitchen hearing the commotion from the living room, and now he and Leo were looking at him expectantly. He smiled shortly, despite the worry that still infected his eyes.

“Yeah, he oughta be. We’ll be sure of it.” I’ll be sure of it , he had thought. He pulled back from the other to look down at his sleeping figure. His mouth hung open a bit, eyebrows furrowed and smeared. The makeup ran down a bit towards his eyelids and there were dark scratch marks on the sides of his face. At least he hadn’t broken skin. Raph looked up again, securing Donnie in his arms again,”One of you clean up the coffee please. I’m going to put him in bed.”

Leo nodded, moving for a cloth and getting to work, Raph turning on his heel to head towards his own room. He had considered bringing Donnie to his bedroom, but he didn’t want to leave him alone, and there was no way Raph could fit on Donnie’s bed. So he carried him into his own space, placing him on the bed amongst the stuffed animals and blankets- which took up most of the room on the mattress even with Raph sleeping next to them. He carefully removed the other’s socks, noticing the splotched coffee on them as he tossed the wet fabric into the laundry basket, pulling the comforter over his brother. He turned and sat down in the beanbag beside his bed, pulling out his phone to quietly entertain himself as he rested his head on the mattress behind him, keeping close watch on his little brother.

+++++

When Donnie finally peeled his eyes open, he groaned, feeling the ache in his muscles and shell. Honestly, at first it felt like just another morning. The soreness in his figure and the dryness in his mouth. It was only when he felt the blanket overtop of him that he realized he wasn’t in his own room. His blanket and Raph’s felt completely different, of course. So when he opened his eyes to stare into all the beaded ones of Raph’s collection of stuffies, he wasn’t nearly as surprised as he should’ve been.

But then all the memories rushed back to him. The events that had happened before he fell asleep. Suddenly the guilt sunk deep into his stomach as he sat up with a start, hand reaching up to cover his mouth. He was met with Raph’s hand, the other turning from his place beside the bed,”Hey, hey, relax, buddy, you’re alright.”

Donnie frowned, looking down, not willing to meet the other’s eyes,”I’m sorry- I’m sorry I-”

Raph shook his head, climbing into the bed with Donnie,”Can I touch you?” Donnie nodded, practically falling into the other’s arms as he hugged him. He hugged back, desperately trying to ward away another wave of tears. He could feel the strong hands run over his back, pressing against his soft shell as they ran up and down the length of it. “You don’t have to be sorry, Don.”

He shook his head against the other’s plastron,”But I was so cruel- I haven’t…” His eyes squeezed shut and he whimpered, voice cracking,”I haven’t done anything like that in forever. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Hey, look at me,” Raph pulled away, his eyes stern as he squeezed the other’s shoulders,” Nothing is wrong with you. Don’t say things like that. You were sleep deprived and emotional and hurting and you are more than welcome to be all those things. None of us are upset with you, Donnie. You have to know that.”

He pulled on the sleeves of his sweater, looking away again, deep shame hitting him. Of course he knew that deep down, he just… He didn’t know. He couldn’t figure out how to fix all of this. He usually knew everything, but when it came to recovering from all of the insanity they had been through, he found himself wandering in a sea of darkness. The only light in the puddles of shadows was a hologram of what he should be- what he should have already been. But you can’t touch a hologram.

“I get it, y’know?” He looked up again, eyes meeting Raph’s. They were glassy now, his smile had a sadder energy behind it as he spoke. “I was… part of them too. I wake up and I feel it all around me. I feel it in my arm when I’m training. I feel it in my eyes when I watch TV. I think you know what I’m talking about- but I have a feeling you don’t know that it’ll go away.”

Donnie could feel the wetness in his own eyes as he whispered,”When? When will it go away, Raph?”

The snapper shrugged, a tear dripping down his cheek,”I don’t know. It goes away a little bit each day. The hard part is learning to ignore it, to be stronger than it. The easy part, though,” He grabbed the other’s hand, squeezing it tight as he let out a soft chuckle,'' is knowing your kick-ass brothers are here for you. You can’t push us away, you can try all you want, but we’re all still gonna be here.”

Donnie let out a sob, moving in to hug his brother again, tears dripping down his cheeks. The tears weren’t as unwelcomed this time. He reluctantly let them flow as he felt the ever-growing familiarity of Raphael’s arms around him. “Thank you.”

“No problem, Dee.”