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Cas jolted halfway upright in bed. The blankets falling around his waist, he clutched at them like his life depended on it. His chest heaved and his eyes watered. He'd had dreams when he was human before, nightmares even. But this new breed of nightmare created of spending months in the Empty was… difficult to separate from reality. His hands shaking slightly, he slid off the edge of the bed. He needed to prove to himself that he was no longer trapped in those terrible black expanses, and being alone in his dark bedroom did not help with that.
He was wearing an old t-shirt of Dean's and his soft flannel pajama pants, which were a little too long on him, so they shuffed quietly against the cold bunker floor as he made his way down the hallway. He had been planning on going outside. It always seemed to help when he could see the stars and feel the fresh air on his face. Light from the library caught his attention before he made it to the war room. Quietly stepping around the corner, he spotted Dean on the couch. A cheesy looking zombie movie was playing on the TV, and Dean snored as the pale light danced across his face. Cas thought for a moment about how Dean didn't like it when he stared, and then disregarded it. He didn't think he could make himself look away even if he tried.
Dean was wearing gray sweatpants and a dark blue led zeppelin t-shirt. He had one knee bent against the back of the couch and a soft gray blanket tangled around his legs. His cheek was smushed against one of his hands where he'd clearly been trying to prop himself up. His eyelashes spread across his freckled cheeks and his hair was a mess, mouth open, dead to the world. Cas' chest physically ached with how beautiful he was to him in that moment. He was just so happy to be able to see his best friend's face again. His real face. Not the facsimile created by the Empty to torment him.
The two brothers had just gotten back from a weeklong hunt that morning. Cas had stayed behind, much to his disdain. They'd insisted that he take longer to recover from returning from the dead before accompanying them on hunts like he wanted to. It had only been three weeks, now a month. Dean had seemed hesitant to even go on the case at all. He'd lingered in the kitchen before they left, green eyes darting to Cas and then away every few minutes. And then he'd called Cas to check on him immediately upon arriving at their motel. His voice echoed in Cas' mind now.
"We'll be back as soon as we can. Don't you go disappearing on me, okay?"
He had said it in a way that was supposed to sound like a joke, Cas knew, but it really had not sounded like a joke at all. The memory of how Dean had hugged Cas after ripping him from the Empty struck him. He'd held on like he was afraid to let go, and only really had because Sam had pushed forward to embrace Cas himself. They had not talked about Castiel's confession, but Dean acted differently now than he ever had before. He hovered around him, always checking on him multiple times throughout the day. He took him on simple errands like grocery runs. He insistently continued Cas' "pop culture education" of cheesy cowboy movies and sci-fi odysseys. He made him various different foods to try and took him to every fancy coffee shop Cas showed even the slightest interest in. He acted like he was afraid to even let the former angel out of his sight.
So when they'd gotten home that morning, Dean had immediately come to find him. He'd enveloped him in a tight hug, his clothes and skin still smelling like the cold winter air. It had lasted only seconds, but when he pulled away his cheeks were flushed pink and he quickly busied himself with rummaging through the fridge and avoiding Cas' gaze. Dean had always seemed untouchable to Castiel. These last few weeks, that barrier had been slowly but steadily melting away. And now, with Dean asleep on that couch and illuminated by the TV light, Castiel felt the last shred of restraint in him evaporate.
He stepped forward and knelt down beside the couch before his brain could muster up any second thoughts. He ran a hand hesitantly up Dean's arm to his shoulder where his handprint had once been seared. Dean frowned slightly and closed his mouth, but didn't open his eyes. Cas took it as an invitation and continued, his hand moving up Dean's neck and cheek. He traced his thumb gently across the hunter's bottom lip.
Dean jumped slightly, but then calmed. He sucked in breath through his nose, his unfocused gaze landing on Cas' face from half-lidded eyes.
"Cas," he mumbled. "What're you doin'?"
Cas didn't really know what he was doing. He was being weird, wasn't he? Dean had always been concerned about personal space. Shit, what had he been thinking? His heart twisted in his chest as he realized he likely could not have what he wanted, and he felt his expression crumble. He started to pull his hand away and get up. But he was held where he was as Dean grabbed his wrist, strangely fast for someone who had just been deeply asleep.
"Where you goin'?" Dean asked, his voice rumbling in his chest. "You okay?"
"Um," Cas said quietly. "I'm sorry, I-"
He squeezed his eyes shut.
"Sorry, I was just going outside," he tried again.
"Outside?" Dean echoed.
More alertness seemed to enter his eyes as he looked up at the clock on the shelf beside them.
"Cas, it's 1am. And it's December. Why are you going outside?" he said, propping himself up on a forearm and not letting go of Cas' wrist.
"I, uh-" Cas tried, eventually settling on the truth. "I had another dream. Going outside helps me be sure I'm really awake. The Empty was never good at intricate sensory details."
Dean's eyes flicked across his face, examining him.
"Can I go with you?" he asked.
Cas stared at him for a moment.
"If you want to," he finally whispered. "You don't have to. I've done it many times."
Dean's eyebrows dropped slightly, like this information bothered him.
"I want to," he said firmly, finally loosening his grip on Cas.
"Okay," Cas said, standing the rest of the way up.
Dean sat up and swung his feet onto the floor.
"You weren't going to go out like that were you?" Dean asked as he took in what Cas was wearing. "It's freezing out there, buddy."
Cas opened his mouth to say no, he wasn't, of course not, but he knew that was a lie and nothing ended up coming out. He didn't want to tell Dean that the cold hurting his skin was also a factor that helped ground him to reality. He didn't think Dean would appreciate that, for some reason.
Cas' non-response was answer enough to Dean, who frowned and pulled the blanket off the couch. He wrapped it around Cas' shoulders, pulling it tight around his chin so Cas would hold onto it to keep it there.
"Let me get another one. Go get some shoes," Dean said.
Cas nodded and made his way up the metal staircase to where their shoes were lined up along the entry wall. He smiled slightly at the sight of the brothers' boots there beside his black shoes. Dean came up the stairs a minute later with a black and red checkered fleece blanket in his hand. He shoved his feet into his boots and Cas decided on his moccasins that Sam had gotten for him instead of the dress shoes. Dean opened the door, but let Cas go out first so he could follow him.
The night air was piercing and Cas unconsciously tugged the blanket higher up around his throat. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, which likely aided to the cold, and hundreds of bright stars dotted the dark expanse. Cas kept his eyes turned upward as he led Dean out into the driveway where he usually sat when he did this. He could hear Dean's boots crunching on the icy ground behind him and his own breath condensed into steam in front of him. Sinking down onto the pavement once he'd reached a random point that felt good enough, he saw Dean hesitate in his periphery. But soon he was sitting beside Cas on the cold ground, their knees bumping.
Dean threw his blanket around himself and looked up at the stars. Cas could see his blonde eyelashes illuminated by the half-moon light, the clouds of his breath swirling across his freckled cheeks. Cas jumped when he turned and looked at him, catching him red-handed in his staring. But he didn't complain like he might have long ago. He just smiled gently and looked back.
"I wish you told me you were having trouble sleeping," Dean said quietly, turning his face back to the sky. "I could've- I don't know. I could've tried to help. I have nightmares too."
The stars, as beautiful as they were, suddenly seemed less enticing to Castiel. He had better things to look at.
"I didn't want to bother you," Cas replied. "You've done enough for me."
Dean turned sharply to look at him, looking somewhat angered by this. Castiel's heart did a little flip in his chest.
"No. I have in no way done enough. I won't ever have done enough, Cas," he said, his voice stern.
Cas just blinked in response, unsure where the ferocity in his friend was coming from.
"Just-" Dean sighed. "You don't ever bother me. Ever. Okay?"
"Okay," Cas whispered, casting his eyes down to his lap.
They sat in silence for a minute or two, their breath billowing around them and fading into the darkness.
"You feeling better now?" Dean asked, his voice back to its original softness.
Castiel nodded once. He tried to suppress a shiver as the frozen air started to itch under his skin, but apparently nothing was escaping Dean's notice tonight. His friend scooted closer. He lifted his arm and wrapped it around Cas' shoulders, pulling him against his side and under his blanket with him. Cas shuddered involuntarily at the contact. Dean's warmth seeping into him lulled him into a kind of trance after a minute or so, and he found himself leaning even closer, if that was possible. His cheek brushed up against Dean's shoulder. Dean didn't say anything, just tugged on Cas' arm again to encourage him to stay there.
Cas didn't need to be told twice. He curled as tightly as he could against Dean's side. They sat there for an indeterminate amount of time, looking at the sky. Dean rested his cheek against the top of Cas' head. Cas hardly noticed how heavy his eyelids were getting until he started tilting forward involuntarily. Dean tightened his grip on his shoulder.
"Hey angel, why don't we go back inside?" Dean whispered.
"Okay," Cas mumbled.
"Good, because I think my ass is starting to freeze to the ground," Dean said.
Cas laughed quietly and Dean smiled at him. He helped him up but kept his arm around Cas' shoulders, wrapping them both in the checkered blanket as they walked back toward the bunker together. By the time they got back downstairs, Dean's movie had ended. They both hesitated in the library archway.
"Um, I could put another one on," Dean suggested, kicking at the carpet edge nervously.
"Don't you want to go to bed?" Cas asked.
Dean just shrugged.
"Not really," he said.
Cas could see it in his face, how exhausted he was from that hunt. He knew Dean was lying. But he also recognized that he wanted Cas to stay with him instead of splitting off to their separate bedrooms. So he was not going to call him out on that.
"Okay," Cas said. "I'd like that."
Dean smiled and Cas followed him back over to the couch.
"What do you want to watch?" Dean asked him.
"I'm fine with anything," Cas said.
And that was true. He would be fine with anything as long as he was with Dean. Dean plopped back down on the couch and Cas sat down beside him, feeling like he needed to leave an inch or two between their bodies but not really wanting to. Dean flicked through the titles on the screen until he eventually settled on something called The Nightmare Before Christmas. It was stop-motion animation and not the type of movie Dean typically watched. Cas glanced over at him questioningly.
"Christmas is in a few weeks," Dean shrugged. "And this is like, spooky Christmas."
Cas nodded and settled in with his blanket to watch. At first he was intrigued by the strange creatures, but it was 2am, and he was warm beside Dean, and his tiredness started to win out over his interest. His eyes began to slip closed and he caught his chin falling down toward his chest. After this happened a second time, he felt Dean shift beside him. The hunter pulled the corner of Cas' blanket back and snaked his arm around behind him. He pulled him against him with a huff. Cas went willingly. He nestled against Dean's side, immediately closing his eyes with a sigh. Dean wrapped his other arm across him and started slowly moving his hand up and down Cas' arm. That did it. He was a goner. Sleep washed over him like a warm, black wave.
He woke up later to find they had shifted to laying down. He had his head on Dean's chest and Dean was snoring quietly, his breath tickling against his forehead. The TV was dark. Dean must have shut it off. At first the darkness of the library bothered him, but the comfort of Dean beneath him and his arms around him grounded him more than a cold night ever could. He reached up slowly and touched Dean's face, wanting to feel it even if he couldn't see it. Dean stirred and then kissed his forehead sleepily.
"You okay?" he slurred, half-awake.
"Mhm," Cas hummed in response.
Dean kissed his forehead again, his hand running halfway down Cas' back before falling still. At some point, Cas drifted off again. He woke up to the sound of Sam walking into the room. He heard a soft "oh" and then Sam's retreating footsteps. He didn't know what time it was and he certainly did not feel like getting up. Dean's arms lay heavy across his back, his breaths deep beneath Cas' cheek. Cas closed his eyes tightly and tried to memorize every single part of this moment. They hadn't talked about how Dean felt about what Cas had said to him before the Empty. And initially, Cas had thought that was because his feelings were not reciprocated and Dean was just trying to spare him the rejection. But now, he was thinking twice. Dean had never been good at expressing emotions. Maybe he just hadn't known how.
After a little while, the smell of coffee and some other delicious something started drifting in from the kitchen. Dean shifted and took a deep breath, stretching his legs out with a groan but not letting go of Cas. Cas looked up at him through his lashes.
"Morning sunshine," Dean smiled, a blush rising on his cheeks.
"Good morning," Cas whispered.
Dean brushed Cas' hair back from his forehead. Cas inched up so that they were more at eye level, his back against the back of the couch, and Dean turned slightly onto his side to face him. They were so close the tips of their noses almost brushed.
"Thank you," Cas said quietly.
"For what?" Dean asked, arching an eyebrow.
"For… being with me," Cas replied. "It was much better than going out there alone."
Dean searched his face for a moment.
"Please don't do that alone again, Cas," he said. "Just come get me. I want to help."
Cas couldn't find words to respond, so he just closed his eyes and bumped their foreheads together.
"I love you," he whispered, his heart thundering in his chest as he said the words that had cost his life the last time.
He heard Dean inhale sharply and then he was being kissed with so much emotion he thought he would cry. Dean traced his fingertips lightly across Cas' cheek. He nosed closer, tilted his chin, and kissed him again.
"I- I love you too," Dean breathed, his words catching in his throat. "Please. Just stay with me this time. Okay?"
And all at once it struck Castiel how badly he'd hurt Dean by saying those words and then vanishing in front of him.
"Dean," he said, blue eyes meeting watery green. "I'm so sorry."
"S'okay man," Dean said. "Just stay."
"I promise," Cas replied.
Their next kiss was interrupted by someone clearing their throat behind Dean. Dean twisted around and Cas peered over his shoulder to see Sam standing in the doorway wearing a "kiss the cook" apron.
"Hate to interrupt," Sam said, though he had a smile on his face that seemed to suggest that he did not hate it. "But I made coffee and waffles if you want some."
"Hey, that's my apron!" Dean complained, instead of at all acknowledging that his brother had just caught him kissing Castiel.
"Doesn't look like you need it," Sam sneered, winking at Cas, who blushed furiously in return and hid his face in Dean's shoulder.
"Hey, don't embarrass the angel," Dean said, curling an arm around Cas' shoulders.
"I'm not an angel, Dean," Cas mumbled into his shirt.
"Yah you are," Dean replied, not leaving any room for argument in his tone.
"C'mon, let's go eat this bitch's waffles," he said, sitting up and pulling Cas with him.
"Jerk," Sam shot back, even though he was smiling.
"Coffee does sound very nice," Cas agreed.
Dean's smiling eyes met his and Cas reached out on impulse, slotting their fingers together. Sam smiled warmly at them as they followed him hand-in-hand to the kitchen, where there were indeed piles of steaming waffles and a fresh pot of coffee. Things were certainly looking up.