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It started in the orphanage, as many parts of Matt’s life did.
There had been a boy - newly acclimated with everything after his mother died, the boy’s father was out of the picture. He was one of the kindest people that Matt had ever met, all warmth and sun in the dreary environment that surrounded them. He was the same age too, both of the boys were thirteen at the time, and that was when Matt developed his first crush.
Crush is such a strange word, that was how he always saw it. The other children would talk about them, gossiping about who they liked and whatnot, but Matt wasn’t one to typically partake in such conversations. The boys were always talking about some girl they saw or a lady that had visited. Matt never found interest in girls, or women, really there wasn’t anyone in his life that made him have a crush.
That was until he met Luke.
When Matt realized what was happening he realized why they call it a crush. Suddenly the world was falling down on top of him and it felt like everything was ending. This was wrong, that was what he had heard from the others. They would make jokes about two men being together, and throw around words that made Matt sick to his stomach. He couldn’t just ignore the feelings he had for Luke though - that boy was everything good in the world. Matt tried to push it down, to crush those feelings until they couldn’t disrupt him anymore.
Luke kissed him on a November night.
He left the next day.
Somebody had seen, Matt didn’t really care who it was, all that mattered was that there had been someone who had seen and who was now spreading rumors about how Matthew Murdock was a freak - even more than he already was. The boy didn’t speak about it; he kept his words short and his mouth locked. It wasn’t enough that he was blind, or that his father had been kill, no, he had to be - he had to be…
Matt wasn’t going to be that.
He kept that promise throughout his life, no matter how many men came around he wasn’t going to think about any of them. Matt pushed himself through high school, dating this girl for a couple of months. It wasn’t bad per se, she had been nice, but there was an overwhelming sense of ‘this is wrong’. But what was worse: going against God and falling into temptation, or lying to himself for years upon years.
Matt knew which one, which was why every night he would get on his knees, pressing his palms together like the nuns had taught him, and prayed for forgiveness for breaking the ninth commandment.
Stick had told him to push away anything and anyone - he wasn’t meant to have any connections. Matt never told him about the other devil lying inside of him, but he could sense that Stick knew though the man never said anything about it. So, Matt didn’t speak either.
It was easier to pretend that he could fall in love with women, that he loved the way they felt and spoke to him. Matt rarely said much back, letting other people take the reins so that everything would be over faster. He knew he came off as cold and somewhat pretentious for how little he spoke about such matters, but that was better than letting the devil take ahold of him. It was better than being a complete freak.
Then there was Foggy Nelson, his college roommate who had been the most precious figure in Matt’s life and also the one that brought the most pain. He was something that Matt wanted desperately, but couldn’t have - the apple on the tree of life. Foggy didn’t care that he was blind, or that he stayed up too late studying, or that sometimes he would forget to turn the lights on because he didn’t need them. Foggy wasn’t the kind of person to treat him like glass. He was like Luke in that way - which was the worst comparison that Matt’s mind could have come up with.
Throughout college Matt was with a lot of women, an astronomically high amount. Foggy didn’t comment on it that much, though he would poke fun here and there about Matt’s escapades. That was good, that meant the mask that Matt had put up was working.
Every single time he would come home from a night out, Matt would curl up on his bed and pray. Foggy never saw this - it would be painfully ironic if he did. Matt asked for forgiveness time and time again, but no matter how many times he said the prayer of penance there was still a burden heavier than the world on his shoulders.
Starting the firm with Foggy was an… Idea. Matt knew that he would just be spending even more time with the other, but he couldn’t help himself. He wanted more than ever, and even if he couldn’t say what was in his mind, he could still live knowing that Foggy was right there.
Daredevil was the inevitable, as was Foggy finding out. The circumstances could have been better, but really when had anything in Matt’s life gone as planned. “Talk to me Matt!”
Foggy was pissed, beyond so. Matt had never seen him like this, usually he was quite collected, a bit easy going, but this rage was something else. “I- I can’t.”
“And why is that?” There was disappointment in his voice, his heart was beating quicker than normal.
Matt struggled to find the words, he always did. Put him in a court setting and he knew exactly what to say, he could come up with eloquent speeches to sway the jury in his favor, but these conversations where he needed to bare his heart, to whisper the words that those kids did, that Stick did, that a majority of the people in Matt’s life had? No, Matt couldn’t say a word. “I’m sorry.”
Foggy huffed, “Sorry isn’t going to fix all this shit.”
“Foggy, I-,” Matt stumbled his words, hoping that whatever came out would be coherent. “I want to tell you, but I can’t right now.”
There were footsteps that were getting quieter as they continued, “Well then, guess we’ll have to wait till you can.” The day slammed shut and Matt had never felt more alone.
What to say?
Words were easy, composed of letters and syllables, the sounds of teeth and tongue and lips - but finding the right ones could make a man mad. There were the literal and figurative ways of phrasing things, both correct but which one to use depending on the situation.
Matt wanted to, no needed to tell Foggy everything, to come clean once and for all. That was terrifying. The man had never bared his soul like this before, and he doubted he would have done it to anyone but Foggy. And wasn’t that the thing that changed everything? It was Foggy, it was always him. He made things easier. He was the one that came out as bisexual in a drunken stupor as the two stumbled through the Columbia campus after finals. At least Matt knew the other wouldn’t hate him completely for this.
He went to Foggy’s apartment - he hadn’t been there in weeks.
Matt knocked on the door, the sound echoing more than he would have liked. “Coming!” Foggy’s voice, was always so sure and steady. He swallowed, trying to take deep breaths to calm his racing heart. The doorknob clicked to unlock - there was a heavy silence as the figure Matt knew was Foggy - his smell was sweet, like honey - stood in silence in front of the doorway.
“Um, I’m, I’m here to talk. If you’d let me.”
“You’re not going to lie to me right? Say you were in some crappy cosplay and got into a bar fight or something like that?”
Matt chuckled as he shook his head, the sound seemed dead even to him, “No, I’m going to tell the truth this time.”
Foggy led him into the apartment, helping him to a seat even though he knew that Matt didn’t really need it. It was welcoming though, a sign that even if things had changed between them they were always going to look out for each other - even when one was pissed at the other. Foggy sat on the seat across from him, the wooden chair scuffed against the floor. “So.”
Matt ducked his head, “Yes.”
“Where do you want to start?”
He started at the beginning, the easiest place to start. Matt talked about his dad and the man’s death, the orphanage, Stick and his training, he even spoke about Luke and the cruel things that the other kids would say - that Matt Murdock was a sinner, he was a freakish, vile creature born of indecency. “I believe them.”
“Matt-”
“No, I have to say this; I have to let it all out before my voice stops again.” Matt touched on the relationships he had, and how they all felt wrong. Then he had to speak about college and the major circus that had been. He told the story of the first time he had taken up the Daredevil persona, how he needed it and how he deserved every punch that came at him. Every time he would feel the blood drip on his skin it was like forgiveness, a punishment for all the wrongs he had committed.
“And Foggy, I-” There were tears forming in his eyes. Matt had kept his glasses on, he didn’t want anyone to see what was behind them, “You know when you came out to me?”
“Yeah?”
“That was terrifying,” He scoffed, “Which probably makes me sound very narcissistic, but its true. After all these years of being told that my… attraction was something to look down on, to scorn, and then here you were proud of it, accepting.” Matt wrung his hands together, “And even after all of that I still can’t feel that way about myself.”
Foggy stood up from his seat, walking around the table to Matt’s side. “I won’t lie, it was hard to get to where I am now, but you know what Matty?” Matt gulped, he secretly loved when Foggy would call him that. He felt his glasses be taken off his face, and heard the subtle sounds of them being placed on the table, “It’s possible. Even when it seems like it's anything but. Being able to say the words ‘I’m bisexual’ doesn’t make me feel sick anymore, now I think, ‘wow, I’m proud of who I am, of how far I’ve come.’”
“How do you say it?”
Foggy smiled, he held Matt’s face in his hands. “Just let it out Matty.”
Foggy’s hands were soft on his face, not exactly gentle, but caring - they felt right there. Matt’s heart was beating so loud he thought Foggy would be able to hear it. He took a deep breath - he wouldn’t let his voice die in his throat again, this was going to be the time he said it. “I’m gay.”