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English
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Published:
2022-10-27
Completed:
2022-11-02
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3,488
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3/3
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As British as Apple Pie

Summary:

No one owes it to anyone to brit pick their work. This was written tongue in cheek and to describe the slightly jarring feeling of reading something that then has unexpectedly out of context language. It's not my intention to offend and therefore please feel free to avoid.

Pov: you're British reading a Heartstopper fanfic written by non Brits. I love you, but sometimes I get very confused.

Crack fic. Just nonsense whilst I wait for the muse to hit for Nick and Charlie Forever, and If I were you...

Notes:

I am literally the only person who will find this funny, this is just a joke.

Featuring
1. Incongruous accents
2. Pants madness
3. Geographical misunderstandings
4. Fundamental misunderstanding of British education system
5. TAPS, AUTUMN, BRICK HOUSES OH MY.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

Charlie Spring recently transferred from the sleepy village of Birmingham, England and is attending school for the first time in the town of Kent. It was Saturday, and he and his sister Tori were going to the movies, she had just completed drivers ed and got her drivers licence at 16 and was going to take them in to the strip mall and movie theatre this morning .

Like most mornings he woke up in his extremely British bedroom, grateful his mom had turned on the a/c against the humid fall air.

He clutched his robe around him and ran to wash up.

"Charlie why are you doing the dishes at this time of the morning?" His mom asked in her clipped British tones.

After he used the bathroom he rinsed his toothbrush under the faucet and dashed back into his room.

He opened the bathroom door to find his sister Tori right behind the door.

'Bladdy ell!' He cried. 'Wot you doing there?'

'Dude, we're gonna be late'. He spun the door closed, slipped on his pants and after a second thought, a vest, and went to find his sneakers.

His dad looked at him. "Charlie I appreciate you're a young man and i don't know much about fashion but i expect you'll need more than an undershirt and pair of Y-fronts to go out in."

Charlie rolled his eyes, 'okay poppa-bear!' 

He filled the kettle and put it on the gas stove, waiting for it to boil. The house quickly filled with acrid smoke as the plastic charred and melted. 

'Are you okay Charlie?' His dad asked,  worried, putting the charred remains of the electric kettle in the trash can. 

Charlie shrugged,  he'd get root beer with Tori instead. They were soon running out the house, slamming the screen door. 

They had just dropped their dad's pick up at the parking lot, passing target, whole foods and a baskin robbins when they ran across Nick Nelson, Charlie's nemesis.

The typical British hunk, complete with his varsity jacket, he was surrounded by a group of cheerleaders.
"Like, Why are they in uniform on a Saturday, bro?" Tori drawled in her thick Birmingham accent.

"Dunno sis!" Charlie replied, scowling at Nick. Urgh, why was this jock so hot! He would never look at a junior like me, thought Charlie.

Still, as they walked into the R rated movie, he realised Nick was following them in.
The movie sucked but afterwards Nick tried to talk to him.

"Yo! I've seen you around high school, you just transferred this semester yeah? you seem like a cool guy, I'm 16 so i just got my licence, need a ride?"

"Oh, nah ta matey! I'm going to the grocery store with my sister, our mom gave us a list:
Zucchini, grits, egg plant, 1% milk, Turkey sausages, and fruit loops. Mom is making biscuits and gravy'

Nick looked at him like he was going to puke. " That sounds disgusting, like what do you do, just pour the bisto onto digestives? Or is it more like water biscuits because literally if you say custard creams I'm gonna hurl.'

"Crikey! You're some lad! what's your mom making?"

" Oh she usually does something with chips on a Saturday" Nick said confused.

"That doesn't sound very filling'

Nick blinked at him.

''Okay well I guess I'll see you for roll call. Maybe we can hang out at recess?"

"Toodle pip!" Charlie scampered away Britishly.

 

"Cor blimey Tori! I don't wanna get stuck with that chump! Let's go!

'Oh my god like WHATEVER' said Tori. "Lets go to Walmart quickly so we can get back to our traditional British timber framed house!"

Next time!

Aged upped AU with everyone drinking alcoholic beverages and foods no British person ever has heard of and making the most of their time off over thanksgiving

Chapter 2: As American as Yorkshire pudding

Summary:

POV
You're not British and trying to read an aggressively Bri-ish heartstopper fic.

Notes:

Listen I don't know. My OH confidently told me this isn't as funny. I was aiming for balance or something.

Next update will be the glossary i mentioned in the comments.

Chapter Text

Tara,  Darcy, Elle and Tao were bimbling round to the local Greene King,  whilst chewing the fat about their careers, skipping along the cracked pavement.
They were making the most of the sunlight because this Indian summer, the days stretching because of BST.
Sarah Nelson drove alongside them and parked up just before the zebra crossing. Nick, Charlie and Tori started to pile out back of the old banger.

 "Alright ducks?" Called Sarah to the group of mates, coming to a stop.  "Wow, its el scorchio today!"

Tori stepped out onto the curb.
"It's going to bucket it down later"

"Why are you driving that? What happened to your motor?" Asked Darcy.

"Oh, it's on the blink. Had to take it to the garage. Some numpty borrowed it (she elbowed Nick) and it's been driving dodgily ever since. It'd stop/start more times than the Chuckle Brothers. I thought, well, bugger this for a game of soldiers, I'm not fart arsing about. So when I took it in, i said well I've nothing to drive now and bobs your uncle, they lent me this as a courtesy car. It's a bit naff but better than a punch in the face."

 

"Fair" said Darcy, sympathetically.

 

"Cheers for the lift mum!" Nick gave his mother a hug. "No worries! Right,  I'm doing toad in the hole with mash and peas - and a spotted dick for tea tomorrow if you're still coming over?

"Wouldn't miss it!" Called Charlie.

Sarah nodded.  "If you're not getting a taxi,  phone my mobile and I'll pick you up by the multistorey off the high street, I'll never find a space if i try to parallel park."

Nick grinned. "Alright, cheers, thanks mum!"

"See you chaps!" She chuckled merrily.

Nick shouted as she started to reverse: "Watch out on the high street,  there's road works on the one way system so if you try to go down Coronation Street, it's a dead end, so if you go down the Kings Road, they've put in new sleeping policemen and a yellow vulture so keep an peeled so you don't get flashed."

"Don't panic Mr Mainwaring! I'll stay under 30 miles an hour all the way home!"

As she sped off, They took a gander across the pub garden and spotted an unwelcome sight.  "Oi oi savaloy!" shouted Harry Greene across the pub, already three sheets to the wind despite being only quarter to 6. He came rushing towards them like a articulated lorry. He was wearing mint white trainers, a pair of trackie bums, and an Adidas jumper.

"Lend us some dosh, I'm skint mate and I'm well thirsty in all this sunshine." He winked at Charlie.

Tori gave a thin smile.  "Don't worry, You'll get wet enough later"

They all looked at her,  then carried on.  "Yeah right Harry,  like you'll ever needs to worry about the dole. "

"Just a few quid?" He laughed it off.  "I'm just having you on. Right lads, I'm off for a slash,"

Inside, more Truham and Higgs old boys and girls had congregated. Otis sidled up to Sai and immediately started whingeing.

"Rah! Harry's sposed ta give me a ride but he's already bare wavey, I ain't finna get in a prang cau he's driving the ends pissed. And getting the bus is long tings. Abeg you give me a lift home later. And it's well hot '

Sai slapped his arm soothingly. "Calm bredren, I'll pattern it. Alright my galdem!" Sai raised a glass at Tara, Darcy and Elle who returned the toast. "I'm not loving this heat" he said to Otis.

"Mans a liability." Otis continued.

Sai realised Otis was still getting worked up about the minted knobhead, looking daggers over at Harry. "Pshaw, allow it,  jus air him."

Otis still looked vexed so Christian intervened.
"Alrigh fam? Wanna go two's on a zoot?" He said, waving a pouch of papers and baccy.

Otis considered.  "Nah but I'll come with you for a blem, my mum gets well aggy if she thinks I'm blazed."

Christian shuddered.  "Yeah I don't wanna greet your mum if she's gone off on one. Not in this weather. "

Charlie and Nick looked over at Harry and sidled up to Sai.

"Alright bud? Harry's well battered," Sai rolled his eyes and gestured to Otis and Sai outside,  "Don't mention the war!"

"Seriously though,  what's he had?"

Sai thought about it.

"Er, two snake bite and blacks,  a cheeky vimto, a jug of pimms, 4 shots of Apple sours and I'm pretty sure he had a can of white lightening on the way"

Charlie looked like he was going to vom. "That's rank"
Nick looked at him. 'Okay, less chin wagging, we need to bagsy a pew toot suite,"
The bar was rammed, so they were pretty much cheek by jowel at this point. They managed to find two stools to bring over to where the girls were sitting.
Darcy came back to the table looking a bit sheepish.  She gestured to Tara. "Budge up, I'm hiding from high vis man"

A cheesed off looking doorman rounded the corner and dogged her up, but Darcy kept schtum and just smiled. 

"There was no bog roll in the ladies so i had to nip in the gents, Phil Mitchell over there got the hump. Its too sunny for this shit" She whispered. 

Tara sighed affectionately.  "I love you,  but you are such a twat." She fanned herself " and I'm too pregnant for this weather"

Tori raised an eyebrow. "Forecast is for rain"

Sahar bustled in. 'Sorry I'm late the motorway was chocker I swear everyone goes bonkers in this heat, it's so hot! Honestly but it's lovely to have a bit of sunshine."

Tori looked up. 'Thunderstorm later'.


"How's your pregnancy going? " Asked Sahar.

Tara tapped her pregnant tummy. "So I'll be taking the full year's mat leave,  obviously working for the local authority I get more than smp, but that only lasts until the 9th month.  So I'll probably officially come back a bit before but won't be in work because of all my rolled over annual leave and bank hols entitlement. 

"Don't forget to claim your child benefit," Sahar added sagely. "Don't worry," said Tara,  "I'm rinsing all my benefits! I've got loads of dental stuff I am getting done on my MatEx cert."

"What do you have planned for the birth?" Sahar enquired. 
"I'm going to the midwife led unit. And before you ask, I'm hoping to avoid an epidural but planning on caning the gas and air.  Darcy's excited about that bit too."

Darcy grinned.  'What the midwife doesn't see..."

"Well it was lovely to see you ladies, but i must dash- I'm my sister's chief bridesmaid I've got to get some bits and bobs for the hen do,  she's been chewing my ear off about it this last fortnight at least and she seems to be in such a tissy, I'm worried she'll throw a right wobbly if everything it isn't just so."

Elle smiled concerned.  "Don't over do it in this heat.'
Tori gave a flat smile.  ''Make sure you've got a brolly."

"Oh bugger. It's pissing it down now."

Tori grinned.

Chapter 3: Britishisms

Summary:

In the solemn concern I may have confused people, who have bookmarked this for educational purposes, I have rewritten the British glossary I started with better formatting and I may add to it as I read works.
I am not the oracle or last authority on Britishisms. British people may very well tell you I'm talking rubbish.
I'm not here to tell anyone how to write their fics, that's your business. If Charlie and Nick want to stroll along the sidewalk and jump in to Nick's Chevy and drive off into the sunset, knock yourselves out.

Chapter Text

This is based on Nick and Charlie being from and predominantly residing in the south of England, regional dialect words may be in place for North of England (which if in Leeds, they might pick up or friends say)

Items with a * are used and understood in UK as common Americanisms

US English on left,  UK English on right. 

In the house

Faucet- tap
Drapes - curtains 

Food

Door Dash = Deliveroo / Just Eat /Uber Eats

Cars/Driving

Foot on the gas (pedal)= foot on the accelerator. 

Gas = petrol/diesel

Gas station = petrol station

Parking lot= car park

Parking garage /parking structure= multistorey car park / multistorey

Parking spot = parking space

"You're in my spot" would be "you're in my space"

Drivers licence - driving licence
Licence plate - registration plate/number plate
Hood - bonnet
Trunk - boot

Clothes:
*Sweater= jumper, pullover, cardigan/cardi,
Vest = waistcoat
Sweater vest = tank top, sleeveless jumper

In the uk, a vest usually refers to a plain, sleeveless  undergarment for the chest for modesty or warmth. Predominantly worn by children and old ladies,  or under a white shirt. 

Sneakers = trainers
*Sweatpants = joggers, jogging bottoms, trackies, tracksuit bottoms.
Pants = trousers
Underpants/underwear = pants,  underpants,  knickers (Usually for girls/ women), boxers/boxer shorts/boxer briefs (Usually for boys/ men) nb. Shorts is not used to mean boxer shorts, this would be boxers. 
Button down= shirt
Shirt = ugh....it's complicated

The word shirt in UK English would usually describe a fairly thin, cotton / polyester garment with collar, cuffs and buttons. For women,  the term blouse may be used. (And this item may not have buttons). Anything of that kind of shape may be called a shirt. 

Whereas in the US I believe any kind of top half garment that goes under a jacket or sweater is a shirt,  in the UK the catch all term is a 'top'. Girls on a night out will frequently wear 'jeans and a nice top' 

To confuse matters,  All kinds of jumpers, sweaters, cardis and hoodies can also be called tops.

 E.g. I left my Superdry top at Charlie's- which one? My hoodie.  

To give you an example. In the TV series, Nick is wearing a white foliage design shirt over a white t-shirt at Harry's party. Charlie is wearing a maroon coloured shirt to Harry's party.  These would possibly be referred to as their 'going out' shirts since they are for attending parties/ and as they get older, bars/ clubs, this would differentiate from their school shirts,  or other casual shirts like the ones Charlie frequently wears.  

There may be exceptions,  collarless or grandad shirt. 

*Plaid = check/checked, tartan. E.g. checked shirt, tartan shawl. 

Pocket square = hankie/handkerchief


Please, Please,  be careful if using the word pants.  It's incredibly jarring thinking 'wow that escalated quickly' then realising they only meant their jeans/ trousers/ joggers. 

Exception is ski pant/pants (which will be understood) or a conversation involving anyone in the fashion industry where ALL BETS ARE OFF. 

Entertainment

Fair ground / carnival ground = fun fair

Tilt a whirl = waltzer 

Bumper cars= dodgems 

Bounce house= bouncy castle (even if its not castle shaped). 

Movie theatre = cinema

NB Carnival in UK usually refers to a parade with floats, the most famous being Notting Hill Carnival. 

Sometimes a carnival queen and court are chosen, which I think is kind of equivalent to being elected Strawberry Queen or whatever at a state fair (I'm wildly extrapolating from American tv)

Trivia night = pub quiz

Weddings

British weddings ceremonies usually happen in the morning or afternoon (it would be very uncommon to go to a wedding at say 6pm) and must take place at a registered religious premises or approved venue.  They cannot be legally registered at a private home address or in an outdoor space that is not attached to a licenced venue. There will usually be three parts, the ceremony (the legal part), a meal with toasts and speeches,   and then round about 7.30pm the ''evening do / evening reception" begins and additional guests are often invited. 

British weddings are usually catered for food  but drinks at the evening reception will often be a cash bar. This isn't considered tacky, however do it yourself style receptions will often have a free bar,  and couples often put 'money behind the bar' to sweeten everyone up. 

The speeches: (traditionally, father of the bride,  groom and best man, but any combination for modern weddings) 

You have three basic options for wedding: 

Register office (equivalent to court house or city hall wedding), with whatever kind of celebration you want after. 

Church wedding with a big wedding breakfast (this is never actually at breakfast time, usually a 3 course sit down meal) and an evening reception which is usually a disco or love band (Think Four Weddings and a Funeral) 

A 'venue' style wedding where you get married, have a meal and have a party at the same place (usually a hotel or conference centre)

Or some combination of the above. 

Wedding clothes

Men do not generally wear a tux for weddings (a tux is known as a dinner jacket or DJ although 'tux' is increasingly common- this is usually worn for end of school / university balls - now increasingly called proms) the traditional Morning suit- traditional tail coat, striped trousers and waistcoat- think John and Sherlock at Mary and John's wedding in 'Sherlock'.

However the rules on wedding attire are as flexible as you like. 

University 

Dorm - halls/hall of residence
Roommate- housemate/flatmate (room sharing not impossible but very rare. Most halls are flat style, although catered halls may be literally corridors with bedrooms. 

Most halls are self-catering aside from some catered halls which have a dining hall/refectory/canteen

Students usually live in halls their first year,  and then in shared houses ("student house") the second and third year. These are often next door to ordinary residential houses with families (I have one next door!). 

Students do 3 year degrees (BA or BSc) unless they are having an applied year (a year working in the field) or are specifically doing a masters degree. [Or are in Scotland whuch has a completely different education system!] A master's may also be done in one year (or two years if applied  ie with a work placement) after completing a bachelor's degree. 

University marks are in percentages, not letters etc. At the end you are awarded a pass with honours- either a first,  a upper second / 2:1 (two-one)  or a lower second / 2:2 (two-two) or a third. 
E.g. he has a first in maths from Oxford
E.g she got a 2:2 in English lit. 
E.g. he scraped through with third class honours. 

 

We don't have a Greek system.

 

Freshman = A first year uni student may be called a Fresher or First Year. Subsequent years are second years, and then third year or finalist (the latter particularly if at Oxford or Cambridge)

 

The first week of university before lectures start is called "Fresher's Week" and campus will be filled with First Years. There is a "Fresher's Fair" where all the clubs and societies (sports = club, society = arts, hobbies, social groups eg. Anime and Manga Soc, Rugby Club) where you will meet existing members, often the committee and sign up. 

 

Finals - exams taken usually in the last term of your final year. The big stressy exams. 

 

School  (nb.British term first)

(Relates primarily to England and may vary in Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland, exams are different in Scotland).
Registration = roll call
Form/form group (also called tutor group) = a preselected group of pupils usually in the same year (deliberately altered in canon by the 'vertical forms' which are cross year). Students in the same form/tutor group will frequently have lessons together except for classes which are in sets, or are options. 
Pupils/Students in a form will have registration together usually twice a day (morning and after lunch) although this may vary by school. 
Form teacher/form tutor/tutor. Undertakes registration,  is first point of call for pastoral issues.  
Break / break time = recess 
playtime (little kids only) = see break
Lunch = either packed lunch, typically a sandwich,  crisps, a bottle of drink,  a piece of fruit, a chocolate bar although some schools are very strict on what can be included.  Or school dinners which are hot meals. These vary wildly between schools.  Students usually have time after eating to play/chat/kick a ball about or go to a school club. 
Set/sets - class streamed by academic ability therefore with students across the year group.  E.g. she's in my maths set.  He's in bottom/top set for science.  
School sport isn't such a big deal in the UK or at university so people don't particularly idolize those on the sports teams.  
Half term/ the half term holiday = a week (2 at certain schools) in February and October where school is closed.  
Easter - 2 weeks where school is closed
Christmas - 2 weeks where school is closed
Summer holidays - 6 weeks where school is closed
Pupil - children / young people at school are usually called pupil however in recent years the term students has gained popularity/more wide spread year even at school.  

Students - frequently this will refer to people attending university, e.g a group of students,  and as a descriptor.   A student pub is perhaps equivalent to a college bar (ie. somewhere frequented mostly by students)

Sixth form /6th form - aka year 12 and year 13. Some schools have a sixth form on site to complete a levels or rarely, baccalaureates or vocational exams (btech/nvq etc). Alternatively 16-18 year olds who have completed year 11 may attend college. 

College / Further Education College. A place where students study for A levels, baccalaureates or vocational courses. 

There is no driver's ed in the UK. Driving lessons are booked individually anytime after your 17th birthday,  provided you have a provisional licence.  

Notes:

Don't get your knickers in a twist, I'm just joshing.

Edit: seriously this is not intended to criticise or offend and my apologises if you feel personally attacked. It's entirely up to you what you write and I am not the arbiter of all content.