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They say, once you lose yourself, you begin to lose reasoning. Unable to think, you allow your mind to wander into the dark reaches of your mind, and it stays. It doesn’t have motivation to pull anything out. Nothing to move, just a shell of its former glory.
Like a beetle out of its shell, burning in the sun, a rotting corpse for all to see. Eventually ants will come and devour it whole.
And no matter how much you try to push or pull, nothing ever seems like it matters anymore.
After all, after the mind has lost it’s only function, what's the point of the rest of the body? What’s the motive? What goals could you possible reach for if you don’t even know where to start?
What’s the point of a safe, if you’ve lost its key? What’s the point in trying your best when all you’re going to get is a failing grade in the end?
What’s the point of going on when his sister was finally within reach, only for her to babble about something about fate and ‘home was wherever they were together?’
Raw pain, wrenched up from his heart, laid bare only for a dagger to stab clean through it. Aether watches expressionally as he cuts down the thirteenth round of hilichurls. Paimon glooms a bit behind him, floating sluggish as Aether mows through them effortlessly.
His sword, although dull, gets the job done. There’s no blood here, only dust and sparks as if they weren’t even alive.
“Paimon’s sick of smelling dust, Aether…” She moans pitfully, shaking her head and pinching her nose. She turns away from Aether with a scrunched up nose, “You reek of sweat! Maybe it’s time for a break? Daylight’s burning!”
Paimon side-glances him with the corner of her eye, crystal blue meets his gold ones. Her hands are wringing around, a habit she had developed when she was nervous.
Paimon flashes him a smile, throwing a thumbs up as she flutters closer, “We can hit some commissions on the way if you want?”
Aether looks back at her, still twisting his trusty blade into the tendon of its arm. It stopped moving along ago and most of it had faded into dust. Yet there was a curling satisfaction when he twists it and feels the thin meat snap.
“We don’t have to worry about meeting commissions on time anymore. We can keep going.” His voice is plain, blank and monotonous. He tilts his head slightly to the dead, glancing back at the dust, wishing it would bleed gold just like him.
Paimon huffs tiredly, crossing her arms and pouting rather cutely, “I mean like eating! Sleeping? We haven’t gone to Mondstadt lately! Maybe we can grab a bite to eat at the cat’s tail? Jean always loved the pastries there! Maybe we can get her some?”
“Mm, you can go if you want.” Aether sigh breathlessly, finally raising his sword and shaking the dust off of it, “There’s a couple more camps dow-”
“No!” Paimon protests loudly. He jumps at her sudden tone and looks down as she grabs his arm and tugging it slightly, “Paimon wants to come with you! But maybe you should eat too! You love fried fish hm? I’m starving!”
She’s pulling on his arm, hugging Aether despite being off by his killing streak, “Let’s go! Let’s go!”
Forced happiness, it’s written all in Paimon’s body language. She’s shaking and trying to not physically recoil from the piles of dust. Despite that, her eyes are filled with a sense of dread - desperate somehow…?
Ah, that’s right.
Paimon doesn’t like eating alone, Aether shakes his head as he makes his sword dissipate.
(He ignores the little voice in his head, saying that Paimon was trying to cheer his up by offering to eat somewhere far away from here, where he saw Lumine leave him.)
“Okay.” Aether agrees softly, looking down at his powdery clothes, “I’ll get a room too and we can have a bit of a cooldown. I bet you’re hungry. You always are.”
(He ignored the angry twists of his stomach, how long has he been wandering?)
Paimon beams with pride, sparkles appear and it’s far too contagious that Aether cracks a smile too. “Yay! Paimon will pay! Aether, what do you want? Maybe Crystal Shrimp? Almond Tofu? Oh there’s so many choices! Paimon’s mouth is watering just thinking about it!”
Aether’s eyes soften and he reaches out, patting the top of the pixie’s head. Relishing on how soft it was. His fingers catch on her long white locks, soft and gentle.
(How soft Lumine looked at him after her cold scowl towards Dain.)
-
Aether sits in the bubble bath, feeling the piping hot water cook him alive. He lowers his head, blowing bubbles in the water. Despite the warm bath Paimon insisted on running for him, he felt…
Cold.
Shaking his head, he sighs. He adjusts himself in the bath, taking his time to scrub the bubbles in his hair. Being cold in a hot steamy bath just sounds so stupid. Maybe he’s losing his mind finally.
Maybe it’s what he deserved.
(At this rate, he’s going to go mad if he keeps thinking of his sister. Who abandoned him after so long of looking for her.)
How long has he been asleep? Dormant? For her to have this sudden drive towards Destiny, enough for her to leave him? The Lumine he knew wouldn’t hesitate to leave so that they could find their way home again. They were always together. From birth to travel, they were never too far behind.
Home.
(Back when home was physical and loving, before it became a metaphorical meaning and they only had one another. Home. A place to belong, a sense to belong.)
A tear unwillingly drops in the water. His bottom lip quivers and he tugs his legs closer. Silent tears drip into the water, they’re not loud enough for Paimon to hear but his heart feels like it’s tearing apart.
It’s a raw wretched feeling. It feels like his insides were being pulled out, like his nightmares. Cold hands reaching out, ripping him and Lumine out to pieces, leaving nothing but rotting flesh.
He just wanted home again. He didn’t want to keep traveling, he just wanted to be happy. He just wanted his sister. He just…
He didn’t like feeling like an outsider, doing commissions to make ends meet - to find his home. To find a place where he belonged. He wanted to be held, told that it was going to be okay.
He didn’t like the idea of Lumine traveling through a whole world alone - just to find him. He didn’t like the idea to do the same, just to understand where her mind was. When something like this could be resolved so easily.
He just wanted home.
-
Paimon doesn’t question his red puffy eyes when he exits the bath, fresh steam rolling off her skin. She doesn't do anything crass or playful, nor does she force that happy facade. Instead, Paimon reaches out, and grabs his sleeve. It’s a small invitation - yet she never forces it. Aether looks down at her and sees her eyes, low in understanding.
The pixie smiles up at him, a small sad one of understanding.
Ah, maybe he wasn’t as quiet as he thought he was as he fell to his knees and reached over. He tucks Paimon in the crook of his shoulder, her small hands meet each other behind his neck.
She’s warm, like home. A place to belong. Paimon might be annoying sometimes but if anything, you can’t say that she doesn’t try to make things worse. Instead, she offers a hand and Aether gladly accepts it.
It’s a two way street but it still feels like it’s under deserving still. Despite Paimon’s urge to help, what does the small pixie get in return? Aether’s support that he’ll always be there for her? He can’t, he has to find his sister and keep traveling.
For the idea of home.
At this moment, despite feeling comforted by her, Aether realizes something.
Paimon deserves so much more than me.
Paimon doesn’t deserve this, doesn’t need this in her life. Doesn’t need Aether to shove his burdens down her throat. She deserves the best, to be happy and content. Endless meals and assurance that someone would be there for her - just like she’s there for them.
Aether can’t be there forever.
Paimon doesn’t need to worry about these things.
Smiling carefree once more, Aether raises his glass and clinks it softly against Paimon’s. The pixie hums approvingly before digging in with a blinding smile. However it’s hard to fake a smile when your heart isn’t in it.
Thankfully, his companion seemed satisfied with his expression and proceeded to continue gouging the poor chicken that sister Rosaria made for them.
-
“You sure?” Paimon huffs, her tone shows that she’s unhappy. She crosses her hands and puffs out her cheeks, her frown evident on her face. She was always such an open book. Aether reaches out, caressing the pixie’s cheek before nodding solemnly, giving a soft smile in return.
It makes Paimon frown even more.
“Paimon doesn’t think we need to separate, it seems pointless since we’ve always been together!” She protests, stomping her foot in the air, she throws her hands up, “What if you get hurt and Paimon can’t comfort you? What if Paimon goes lost and you can’t lead the way with your amazing direction skills?”
“I’ve asked Mona to watch over you, since it’ll be best if I…” Aether looks away, over Paimon’s shoulder, to the gates of Mondstadt. The birds look at him curiously, tilting their head - as if they can feel his gaze, “I should do this alone.”
“Why?” Paimon cries, throwing herself at Aether’s neck and holding tight, “We’ve always been together, you can’t just do this alone! Paimon’s worried about you!” Her eyelashes tickle his neck.
“You shouldn’t be. Eventually, I’ll leave.” Aether utters quietly, stroking her white fluffy hair, “You know that right? It’s best to sever ties now. Before it hurts more.”
“You’re pushing Paimon away… I can’t get through to you, I know… But I still want to be there for you! I know you’re still ups-”
“Can we not talk about that?” Aether bites, taking a step back and hunching in on himself, “I don’t need a reminder, it’s just something I have to do. Paimon, you won’t understand!” He hisses as Paimon floats dejectedly. She’s holding her arm, looking down and biting her lip.
“Paimon just wants to help… Paimon wants to understand.” She whispers quietly in return, “I-”
“I don’t need you, Paimon.”
The wind is loud, howling at her to stop it. Aether should stop, she wanted to part on good terms, what is she doing? The traveler clenches her fists, tight and rigid at her side as she swings her head to see Paimon’s teary face.
His heart stings painfully.
“You don’t need me.” Aether says with a tone of finality, “I’ll eventually leave this place and… I won’t see you anymore.”
“…”
“I do need you… You…” She seems at a loss for words. Good.
He’s not sure if he can voice it the correct way anyways.
“Goodbye Paimon, I’ll visit soon.” And with that, Aether turns his heel and begins to walk away. His steps sound loud behind him and Paimon’s annoyingly cheerful voice is missing. A part of him is missing, his voice. His companion.
It’s okay. Aether rationalizes, Paimon deserves better anyways. Better than me, who would rather hurt someone to get my point across.
-
(His heart hurts just as badly. As he climbs the roofs and collects commissions to hear Paimon’s sobs through the wall, in Mona’s house. Through the window, she can see Mona comforting her, hugging Paimon and tucking her close. Her cries haunt him. He decides to depart quickly, despite the incomplete commission.)
“Sparkling cider.” Aether mutters quietly at Charles who tries to make eye contact with him. He tucks his head down in response, refusing to look up like a stubborn child, “Please and thank you.”
He digs in his pocket, pulling out more than needed and places it on the counter. Charles says something else but he’s already tuned him out, listening quietly at the bolstering laughter, loud enough to drown his thoughts for a brief moment.
Kaeya is teasing Diluc over at the side, but he can feel his eyes on him. It itches his back and reminds him that he deserves the judgment. It hurts but it makes it easier to detach.
He doesn’t need friends.
(“If you ever need me, call me. Let’s not make this a transaction relationship.”)
Aether jumps slightly when the cider is placed down, the cool glass touches his skin and makes him shiver. He mutters a thank you and sits up, placing the straw in his mouth and taking a small tentative sip.
“Traveler.” Diluc greets quietly, closing the bar gate behind him and swapping aprons with Charles. Ah, was it his shift tonight? “I can’t help but notice your exhausted state. How are you?”
Aether hums nonverbally, leaning down and resting his head on the counter. He can feel his burning gaze and can feel another presence beside him. A cool hand reaches to touch his forehead. He tucks himself inside his arms this time, turning away like a child.
His voice won’t work.
( Or maybe it’s because you left her behind.)
“He isn’t running a fever. My oh my, it seems as if our honorary knight has driven himself mad with endless commissions, perhaps?” Kaeya’s low voice quips chidingly, “I’ve never seen you quite tired, have you, Master Diluc?”
“You’re insufferable.” The elder hisses, “Of course he’s tired when he has to pick up the Knights of Favonious’s slacking fools. Why don’t you go train them better so we don’t have another repeat of this?”
“It’s as if you’re trying to get me to work at night when everyone’s sleeping, Master Diluc. Why can’t I just enjoy a nice Death After Noon without you nagging me like an old hag?”
Aether can basically feel his smirk from a distance, Kaeya always had a habit of teasing when he was scolding. Aether jumps slightly when an icy hand makes an appearance at the small part of his back. His thumbs rub in circles, trying to soothe the blond when he tenses up at the contact, “See? You’re even riling up poor little Aether.”
Aether would like to protest, he puffs out a bit of air. He feels a disapproving hum from Diluc and a joyful chuckle from the blue haired knight. They bicker back and forth before falling into a casual conversation about the slacking knights. Diluc suggests physical violence against them to discipline them but Kaeya brushes it off.
He claims if physical violence worked, then the Fatui would have gotten their way long ago.
Briefly, Aether’s brought back to Childe in the golden house and his shit eating grin, the way he taunts. Aether itches for a fight, for a sense of pain to make the thoughts stop. Maybe he should ask him for a rematch. Maybe it’ll be what he deserves.
“Say, where’s your little companion? I’ve never seen her far from you.” An easygoing question makes the room feel tense, Aether feels himself stiffening up.
Kaeya hurriedly adds more to keep the conversation flowing with a joke, “I bet she’s over there, harassing poor Sara for ten Sweet Madames. She’s always had such a bottomless pit, she eats well though.”
The silence is too much.
It hurts. Seeing Paimon’s red face and teary eyes. Aether doesn’t deserve to feel hurt by this, he hurt Paimon on purpose. Aether feels sick. He shuffles uncomfortably, until the hand drops from his back. Another hand, too warm, shifts to his shoulder, trying to urge him up.
“Is she alright, Aether?” Diluc asks urgently, he feels him hovering and it’s too much. It’s too overwhelming, his throat closes up more, “Aether?”
“Give him some space, Diluc.” He drops his title and the hand is gone. He eases up, leaning away, his body turned as if ready to run at any moment. Everything feels like it’s too much. His mind runs a million scenarios and none of them are the correct outcome.
It was a mistake coming here.
He should have left right away. He shouldn’t have stayed for the night, he should have left completely.
(This is what you wanted.)
He hiccups, his eyes wide as he stares at the dark wood in shock, feeling his eyes burn and his face turn hot. Aether shudders as a cool hand touches him softly, holding his arm in a firm but not tight grip. To stop him if he bolted.
Kaeya prys him from his position, careful not to look at Aether’s face as he tucks his head at the crook of his neck.
“I think. We should get some fresh air, hm?” He hums, picking Aether up effortlessly despite his unmoving heavy body. He’s frigid, his limbs won’t move and he’s clinging onto him as if he’s weak. His arm tucks itself around Aether waist, cradling him carefully as if he was porcelain.
Aether hiccups again, tucking himself closer when he catches Diluc’s concerned eyes looking at him, drenched in sympathy and pity. Kaeya rubs his back in small mesmerizing circles, keeping him steady as he walks out.
Tears drip down quietly down his face and they thankfully drip down away from his clothes. If he notices, he doesn’t mention it. Instead, they head towards the headquarters of the Knights, ignoring the bitter winds that bite at his skin.
He sees Venti walking a safe distance away, his eyes dancing with worry when he feels Aether’s salty tears in the wind. He slinks away when they make eye contact.
“... let me go please.” Aether croaks, holding tighter. Kaeya doesn’t respond, if anything, his grip gets tighter if he wants to bolt. If he had enough energy, he would have wrenched himself away and departed. But Kaeya’s large frame just made him melt with exhaustion. It felt nice to be held by someone and he didn’t want it to stop.
He feels so weak - so emotionally exhausted. His heart hurts and his eyes sting. Paimon hurts just as bad - he doesn’t deserve to feel hurt when Paimon has more of a right than he had.
The doors open and his boots click against the tile floor, he can see his exit close with a sense of finality. Sealing him to comfort…
( That you don’t deserve.)
He freezes, tensing when he realizes that he’s about to head into Kaeya’s room. For what? A well-deserved nap? Comfort?
Aether shifts, unlatching his hands from his neck and gripping onto his shoulder, “Let…! Let me go, Kaeya!” Aether snarls, squirming as the knight presses his hand firmly on his shoulder blade, not allowing him to get leverage to get down.
The blue haired knight doesn’t respond, but Aether can feel his grip tightening, ready to hold on for dear life if Aether actually had enough strength to wiggle away right now.
Kaeya glides his step up the stairs, stepping lightly and avoiding every creak as if it was second nature.
Aether hisses like a feral cat, clawing at him to get him to release his unrelenting grip.
Kaeya stops in front of a door, his door, his hand wandering to his pockets. He fishes a key out as he stops in front of the door. Unfortunately for Kaeya, he lets go of his waist to unlock the door, giving Aether enough space to knee him in the gut.
He chokes as Aether maneuvers and shakes off his grip on his back. However, Kaeya recovers too fast and snatches up his wrist, pulling him roughly back and into the confines of his room. He loses his footing and falls flat on his ass, glaring up at Kaeya with rueful eyes as the knight crosses his arms, standing at Aether’s only escape.
His room is quite large, although it was tucked away in the back with no windows, the only way out was where he was standing.
“Kaeya.” His voice hurts, it hurts when he tries to force it out, but he has to, he has to leave.
“Aether.” He hums cheerfully in retaliation, smiling at him, “Your voice is going to go out if you keep straining it like that.”
He ignores him, “Let me leave.” He says quietly, his voice dying down again. Frustrated, he grips his throat as if willing it to speak more. But it won't. His voice disappears and he’s sitting on the floor, looking down at it in anger.
“Sure. After you sleep and have a good nap. Then we can have a long talk about this… Overworking yourself.” He can feel Kaeya approaching him, bending down on one knee and carefully prying his hands away from his grip on his throat, “And this tendency to hurt yourself when you’re mad at something beyond your control.”
Aether glares at him, wrenching his hands away, “I don…” His voice dies again, stuck in his throat. He shuffles away from him, shaking his head and standing up, attempting to go for the door. Kaeya shifts his feet, gripping his arm and hazardly tosses him back carelessly. His legs hit the side of the bed and he crumples again like a tissue.
He feels exhausted but he musters all the frustration, looking at Kaeya in the eye, “Yo-”
“Stop straining your voice, I can hear it getting stuck.” Kaeya says almost too happily, slyly leaning towards him when he attempts to stand again. Aether tilts away, enough for him to lose his balance and fall onto the bed.
Before he can get back up, Kaeya’s already throwing a heavy blanket on him and hoping in. He kicks off his shoes before he tucks him in, hugging him in a deadlock. His weight overcomes his strength even though he knows, Aether fucking knows he can take him on in a fight.
He laughs when he squirms in his hold, angry puffs of air before slumping down in exhaustion. His laughing dies down when Aether feels himself shaking, trembling in his arms. He shakes his head, crying out wordlessly before attempting to wiggle down, trying to slip out.
Kaeya notices and tangles his legs with his. He hooks them and holds them securely but not enough to hurt.
(He wishes that it would, it’ll be better than feeling like this.)
He has to leave before it gets too comfortable and he falls asleep. He feels tears well up again, his lower lip shaking. He needs to leave, he has to…
Kaeya adjusts him again, carefully moving Aether to face him again and tucking him into a hug. He’s shushing him, whispering comfort in his ears. He shivers from the contact, feeling more tears slide down. It’s overwhelming.
“Oh poor Aether, it’s okay.” Kaeya mumbles, “I don’t know who made you this upset but I promise you. You’ll be okay, I’m right here.”
Somehow that statement makes it worse as he hiccups violently, shaking his head side to side, trying to pull them apart but Kaeya remains unmoving. Being an anchor and carefully holding him, his firm grip, on how loved he is. It’s frustrating and painful - but he doesn’t know how to stop it other than give in.
To his unrelenting affection. To his comfort and icy hands.
“I don’t deserve it.” He admits below his sobs, shaking and covering his face. He hums in disapproval but doesn’t deny or confirm it. Instead, he keeps humming. The vibrations and the hand rubbing his back eases Aether down, calming he as he eventually succumbs to sleep.
-
(“Home is wherever we are together.”
Aether remembers his exact words when he talked to Lumine about home. They had forgotten what was so memorable about it. As time faded, their memories had too. Until there was nothing but the sense of needing to belong.
Home to others, was often a warm meal. A roof over your head. The friends you meet along the way and the family you kept close.
Home to them, was a sense of comfort within reach of one another. As long as you have me, I will have you. Home was a constant that they never forgot, as time was home, they were home.
Sometimes, Aether remembers her sword in his dreams. Dug into the dirt, built like a grave. He remembers cubes swallowing her up, his look of desperation and fear laced in her eyes. He remembers the feeling of dread of not dying. But not living either.
He remembers being so cold, shivering in his dreams when there was no source of light. Just dreary rain and her sword at Lumine’s grave.
At that moment, he wondered what home was. Home was… feeling safe and secure. So when he wakes up from these countless nightmares, he’ll tell her that he’s glad to be home.
When he wakes up, there’s nothing but grass. The celestial grounds they stood on have long since rotten - and his home was nowhere to be found.
Aether thought he knew what home was, that’s what he wanted to understand. If home was not where they stood in the moment, with one another. Then why wouldn’t she stay?
Why wouldn’t she explain?
Why did she leave him again?
Then it hits him. Home was where they were together. Home was the sense of knowing where life took you and knowing that someone had your back. Had you in mind the entire time.
“I have traveled around this world before.” She had said, with a sense of dread.
Aether wonders if she had thought he was long dead.)
-
Aether wakes up to the sound of a door shutting. Groggily, he sits up and rubs his swollen eyes, winching at how tender it was. He looks up to see an empty room, neat and tidy. It smelled strangely of ginger ale and mints.
The door opens again, two red eyes spot him and little Klee’s face lights up like a charm. She dashes towards Aether with a big smile, slamming into him without remorse and nearly sending him back down onto the plush pillows.
“Mr honorary knight! Mr honorary knight! You’re awake!” The elvish girl chants with a wide grin, hugging his waist tightly, “Kaeya told me to give you a biiiiig hug when you woke up! He said that he’ll be right back and I had to make sure you didn’t leave the room!” She says with one breath, as if she didn’t just tell Aether that she was holding him hostage.
“He said that you had a looong night and that he was getting your favorite and that he was going to give me ten bucks if I did a good job!” Klee sways back and forth, leaning back. She holds up Dodoco and shoves him in Aether’s hands.
Bribing a child. Why is Aether not surprised? And why is he not surprised at the fact that an eight year old is keeping him hostage?
Sighing in defeat, he mindfully rubs Klee’s shoulder, swishing Dodoco’s tail back and forth. He can’t exactly escape here, right now without giving an explanation, now can he?
How troublesome.